By Flipit|Sunday, April 15, 2007 | 9:18 am | 16 Comments
When I temped for a large publishing house in New York, I assisted the front desk receptionist, a gal named Debbie. Debbie was like a walking Encyclopedia, she could type over 100 words a minute, and knew every inch of the company, but unfortunately she was busted ugly. Grooming skills weren’t her forte, which shouldn’t matter in this day and age, but as we all know, looks count. Debbie couldn’t understand why she was always being passed up for promotions, so over lunch one day, I suggested she get a makeover. After she stopped crying, I explained to her that a little conditioner and and bit of eyebrow wax could change her whole life. She listened, and showed up the next day looking like a new, hot woman. People who refused to look her in the eye the afternoon before were suddenly forwarding her joke emails, inviting her to happy hour, and calling the front desk just to say hi. Well, come Monday morning, an old woman named Myra was sitting at Debbie’s desk. I asked my boss what happened to my friend, and he rolled his eyes. “That floozy? She’s outta here.”
This week, Top Design taught us that white people are lazy complainers, fags trump hags, and if you want to be taken seriously, don’t be fun. Be functional. Gay Dad says that he is ready to rumble. You can throw whatever you want his way, and he’ll lick it. Vaginas? No problem! It’s 100,000 smackers up for grab! Carisa always knew that she had talent and an aesthetic sensibility, but she didn’t know just how great she was until she made it to the finals! Honey, you were up against the Wiggum Kid, Eight Ball, and Butch. Don’t pat yourself too hard.
The Sock Puppet comes into the workroom wearing too many patterns to distinguish. Way to keep ‘em off balance, Puppet! I find it a bit unfair that Puppets are allowed to wear plaid and stripes together but no one else is. I guess there’s gotta be some upside to walking around with Bravo’s fist up your ass. The final project will be to design a 1,700 square foot loft in the “hottest neighborhood” in downtown LA. LOL. The realtors are doing their best to transform downtown, but as of now, this is the “hottest neighborhood”.
Glue a couple of rusty syringes and used condoms to the ground and you win! The two finalists will have two whole months to work on this project and when they return, five days to get it done. Thankfully, the producers have decided to give the contestants one last chance to not suck it hard before this show is cancelled by giving them lots of time and money. That will give Carisa a chance to scour the world for plastic furniture and Gay Dad an extra moment to study old lady’s living rooms across America for inspiration. The mystery clients are…themselves!!! Uh-oh. I sense a lot of pink and closets for Gay Dad and a spectacular food court kitchen for Carisa. For materials, they get $12,500 (will it be enough for a Pizza Hut Express?) plus and extra $150,000 to blow at the PDC. Holy crap. If these spaces suck, I am hunting these two down and setting them on fire myself.
The lofts are huge and in desperate need of a complete overhaul. The floors are busted, the bathrooms are ugly, and the kitchens are formica and plastic. The first thing they do is measure. Carisa suggests they do it together and Gay Dad says not a chance. This bitch is in it to win it. While they are packing up their stuff to go home for a couple months, Carisa says that she needs to prove to Margaret that she is capable of luxury. She writes “The Mayor of Exusesville” on her dry erase board, but doesn’t explain why. I am hoping that she isn’t going to channel Butch for this one. Putting that beast in your brain isn’t healthy for anyone.
Gay dad says losing to Carisa isn’t an option, and is hoping her inexperience will shine in this challenge. “If I lose to a student, I’m gonna rob a bank and go to Mexico to drink for the rest of my life.” That he didn’t threaten to kill himself over this challenge shows that he is legitimately worried about Carisa, and I love it. Robbing a bank and fleeing to Mexico sounds like a much more valid goal than winning a chintzy Bravo reality competition to me, anyway. Do it, Gay Dad! Find a nice busboy to bang ya and be done with it. End of recap.
Unfortunately, we skip straight to two months later. No Gay Dad with his confused wife and daughter! No Carisa smokin’ up in her dorm loft with her HoHo peddling enabler roomie. I feel gipped! Carisa tells us that she went home to visit with her family in Miami and thought of nothing but the loft for two months. That explains the army hat and mom from Hairspray moo-moo. Deep thought is not an excuse for looking like Divine at war, Carisa! As you know, I am rooting for Carisa to win this thing only because Gay Dad is so goddamn sure of himself, but when she tells the Puppet that she’s going with black and white and nothing for the walls and walls of windows, I suck my teeth and pour a toonie. Come on, Divine! You took two months in Miami, the most colorful city in the US and came up with black and white? OY.
Gay Dad’s floor plans look way more detailed than Carisa’s. The Puppet questions the little girl’s room, and he insists that even though his daughter requested a princess room, he is going to give her less Cinderella and more Marie Antoinette. Way to bring up beheading with a kid you faked til you maked, Gay Dad. He says his only worry is whether or not his carpenters will be able to produce what he has designed in the time allotted. He’s already setting himself up to blame everyone else if he fails, which is so goddamn typical. I hope he gets Missing Hand Not Hot Carpenter and Dykstra. A hole.
It’s difficult to tell who’s ahead on the first day of shopping. Carisa is tagging everything that catches her eye in the PDC, which means she won’t have enough money to buy it all but it is definitely all her style. She puts a sticker on the exact same dining room chairs Andrea used in her Pimp’s dining room, which isn’t a good sign, but otherwise she chose stuff that fits well within her aesthetic. Gay Dad finds the gaudiest crap he can, and perouses the biggest butt plug vase yet. He spends all his time sniping about Carisa’s inability to shop and sitting on his new friend instead of concentrating. Down with Gay Dad! After the first day they have dinner together and Carisa says that she couldn’t be happier that it’s the two of them at the finale. He says “Me neither, cuz I’m gonna kick your ass.” Instead of rolling her eyes and looking around wildly for a Snickers bar, she replies “Eleven out of twelve people couldn’t kick my ass, so good luck with that.” Ok, so she can’t count. Or shop. Or dress. But she eats her dinner beautifully and I am still on her side, so shut it.
Day 2 arrives and the floors are laid and the walls are painted. Carisa’s floor is the bomb. Gay Dad just painted the busted ass concrete squares he was given, and looks less than excited at the result. Not Hot Carpenter comes in with a newly grown hand and his usual killer work ethic intact. He says that all he needs are materials and a basic layout and he will get working while Gay Dad finishes faggin out at the PDC. Carisa has decided to embrace Taylor Hicks with a newfound positive attitude, and he seemingly arrives with the same plan as he smiles and looks her in the eye instead of staring at the floor and muttering the c word under his breath like usual. She has changed all her plans overnight (good Lord, woman, it’s the finale!) and he goes with her.
While the Designers try to pare down their PDC purchases to stay within budget, Taylor Hicks comes up with a brilliant, musical plan to get the materials from the trucks into the loft. He was off key the entire number, but the choreography was brilliant, and his head twitching was right on rhythm.
Gay Dad gets back to his loft and is psyched to see that Not Hot is working his balls off and getting walls up. Carisa is not so lucky. Her loft is on the sixth floor, three higher that GD’s, and Taylor’s workers are complaining that they weren’t told they would have to shlep such heavy crap up six flights. Fat lazy bastard, you could use the exercise. How this guy ever got work in physical labor is beyond me. A show that relies on construction should know not to hire fat lazy Americans if they want anything to get done.
And…spoke too soon. Taylor Hicks didn’t realize that Carisa’s floor was just painted and not fully stained, which means that the paint was pulled up by all the tape. I call BS. She paid $8,000 bucks to have her floors painted?!? I demand a refund! Taylor promises her that it will all be ok in the end, and if not he will sing her a song. Her eyes bug out of her head and she runs out of the loft. That Hicks boy sure knows how to clear a room!
The Designers have both stayed up all night for the last night and are stressed. The Puppet comes in to tell them the the Lending Tree has decided to award the winning carpenters $10,000, and Carisa says that she is more motivated to win this thing for Taylor than she is for herself. “I’m just built that way.” I’m so sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself. Just please win. I hate you the least. At the end of the fifth day, both Carisa and Gay Dad have finished, and it’s up to the Judges.
Trudie Styler is the Guest Judge for the final challenge, and the Puppet describes her as an environmental activist and killer designer, but I describe her as Guest Judge Vampire Meemaw from a couple of challenges ago with a makeover from the What Not to Wear team. Just goes to show you, you can dye your hair and wear better makeup, but if you’re ugly you’re ugly. Just love yourself and stay off my TV, please.
Carisa is up first. Her loft is pretty bangin. She uses a lot of her plastic-y crap throughout, but the floors are killer and her use of squares throughout brings a sense of cohesiveness to the space. Her Andrea rip off chairs and spare ping pong/dining room table (seriously) might kill her in the end, but then again her “bed pit” might make up for the blunders. Jonathan and Trudy both jump in the pit and enjoy the view of LaLa, which is a good sign, but picturing Trudy Styler in bed will probably give me nightmares for the next year or ten. She has vastly improved her kitchen space, and Trudy seems impressed that Carisa has spent $18,000 dollars of her budget on stocking the fridge. A girl’s gotta have priorities!
Her bathroom is the most impressive part for me. She did a beautiful job there, and even had enough fabric left from the curtains to fashion herself a hideous boobie sling. Woah, Carisa, who knew you were so….talented? If you don’t have the best figure in the world (I don’t! I don’t!) her mirror is the perfect excuse for always showing up places looking like your mama beat you before sending you out the house.
The editors have been very careful to not show us what the hell Wearstler is wearing, and I am extremely upset when they reveal it’s one of Amy Poheler’s ice skating costumes from “Blades of Glory”. You’re a design icon who rips off…Poheler? Stick a fork in her, this twig’s done.
Gay Dad’s loft is not much of a shocker. It’s what a poor gay guy thinks he would buy if he were a rich gay guy. Snotty ass furniture everywhere, a chandelier in the bathroom. Margaret is all smiles in his loft and she didn’t crack a single one in Carisa’s, which makes me groan. Of course she’s gonna vote for him. I have liked her up until this point, but she obviously chose this homo to win before she showed up today. Someone has to call him out on having no originality whatsoever. The best thing in his entire space is the wall of black and white family pictures. His kid looks like an alien and we never see the wife. Even when he poses with her while she’s pregnant, the shot is all his face and a huge belly. Nice vessel, GD. GROSS. When all is said and done, he doesn’t know whether or not the Judges liked his work, but if they didn’t, “they need to get some glasses.” Witty, fagito burrito.
Back in the White Room, Trudy starts by calling out Carisa on the base of her ping pong table. “You couldn’t see it!” Carisa says from far away you could see that it was a beautiful table. Trudy smiles, or cries. It’s hard to tell with that one. Jonathan and is tie loved the bedroom and the bed pit. He said they could imagine some freaky scenes on that bed. Margaret chides him, “Jonathan!”, but admits to masturbating there when no one was looking. It was a surprise, which they liked, as well as her “groovy kitchen” and black wood floors. Margaret said that it was an interesting space, but there wasn’t a lot of life there. OUCH. What would Carisa do differently? She says nothing. She is happy and proud. Good answer.
All the Judges ooh and awww Gay Dad’s wall of pictures, saying his daughter is adorable. No one even mentions that her hairline begins in the middle of her scalp. Aw, Judges. You’re sweet. Trudy wasn’t into his glass dining room table with a kid in the house, especially one missing half a head of hair (woops I take it back), but she loved his bathroom. She wishes he could have brought some of that sexiness into the master bedroom. So does his wife. He looks confused at this criticism. Obviously he has never equated sexiness with the master bedroom. His face kills me. He says that he likes things to be sterile, and that’s why he bought stainless steal butt plug vases for his loft. Trudy accepts that, and the Judges excuse the Designers to have some private time.
The Judges liked Carisa’s loft for the most part. The kitchen was open and inviting and even though Margaret was prepared to hate the bed pit, it was fun and dramatic. The only thing they called her out on was the floor. Wearstler felt the money could have been better spent somewhere else. Look who’s talking, Nancy Kerrigan.
Jonathan calls Gay Dad “one chic dude”, which is hilarious because he said “dude” and he used it in reference to the biggest bottom he’s ever met. Gay Dad has made Jonathan look butch, and that was a huge gift. Trudy says that he’s obviously not an architect and misused the space, but he’s a great decorator. Margaret liked that he went crazy in the bathroom, but she didn’t see that in the rest of the loft. You can’t just leave boy porn all over the house, Margaret, there’s a child afoot! Trudy shows us her nostrils and I vow to never visit her doctor.
Jonathan’s tie decides that Gay Dad is about order and serenity while Carisa is about exuberance and life. I don’t know which is better, but since 3 out of 4 judges are in black and Wearstler’s wearing a style that died with Tonya Harding’s career, I’m guessing life loses. When they bring the two left standing back in, the ginormous tie tells Carisa that her work is bold and graphic and her bed was fierce. Gay Dad’s daughter’s room was killer and his chic style was enough to…
The Tivo cuts off. AAAARRRGGGHHH!!! I HATE YOU BRAVO!!! HATE!!! I click on BravoTV.com and find out that Gay Dad won. WHAT?!? Was there an explanation that makes sense of this? His loft was hacky bullshit! He hasn’t done anything original in ten episodes! HATE. Since I didn’t get their reactions, I click on their exit interviews. Carisa takes the news like a big girl with shelves and shelves of boobies. She is glad Gay Dad won, because he has 10 years on her and he would have been devastated to lose, while she felt like a winner just getting this far after not having an iota of design experience. Gay Dad is not so humble. “I am the Top Designer! Was there really ever any question, people?” Ugh. He goes on to say that he totally deserved to win and can’t wait to make some real money so he can buy his scalpy daughter a bigger house with a princess room away from that baby oven who insists on crawling into his sterile bed every night. Somewhere in Mexico, a busboy is crying.
This has been my first show to recap from beginning to end for you guys, and it has been a blast. Thanks so much for all your kind and hilarious comments! Gonna miss you! Til’ the next craptacular series! LOVE!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit