Top Design: How Much Is That Fugly In The Window?

Remember back in the late 90′s when ABC held their “Viva Las Vegas” night, and there was a massive crossover with all their hit shows of the time, between “Coach” and “Ellen” and “Grace Under Fire” and “The Drew Carey Show”? Over the course of two hours you got to see separate episodes of all four of these shows, but characters from their fellow network compadres kept popping up or wandering through for no apparent reason? Remember how exciting and chatworthy it was? Huh? ‘Member?

…chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…

Well, they’ve resisted the temptation for quite some time, but it appears the walls separating Bravo’s sister-shows are growing thin, and it should come as no surprise that tonight’s episode of Top Design features several losers former contestants from Magical Elves’ favored child Project Runway who are apparently still hungry for another five minutes of reality tv fame… I’m waiting for the inevitable crossovers with Top Chef where we can watch the designers have to create a room around a cheftestant’s competing variations of steak and ‘taters, while the Project Runway people have to make a Victorian-period dress out of pasta dyed to match the color scheme of the room design, and the stylestants from Shear Genius have to give everyone new haircuts that tell the story of Antony and Cleopatra if they lived in the year 2008 and were both transgendered prostitutes living in Pocatello, Idaho… but for now let’s just see how life is treating Jeffrey Sebelia after the jump, shall we?After reliving the sad sayonara to Tranny Jenny, and the delicious dismissal of Rabid Sphinctermouth Fuckstain Pusbag Needledick Twatbreath Robert we are down to ten designers ready to duke it out to see which one of them can brag the hardest about being married to Ricky Schroder/Martha Stewart…

In the Union Lofts, Downtown Shazia Brown and Nasal Natalie are marvelling about how quiet it is now because “so many people are gone!”… well, just three, and only one girl, Tranny Jenny, and something tells me she wasn’t the loud one of the group. The day that Natalie goes home, now that’s the day things will get quiet…

…chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp…

And I’m not sure how this keeps happening, but once again, Prettyboy Preston just happens to be in the vicinity of the cameras as he’s taking his shirt off! What are the odds?… and also coincidental is the fact that he’s in close proximity to Big Daddy Kerry again… do you get the feeling (like I do) that he’s being a great big cocktease to our lovable Ker-Bear?

…you can only poke a bear with a stick so many times before it hauls off and eats you…

You know who also is running around in a towel like some scary pasty-skinned creepella at the bath-house? Black-Eye Nathan, who says that with Jenny and Robert being gone it puts him that much closer to winning. Not if you don’t put some clothes on! I’m sure Prettyboy has an extra tube or six of bronzer, maybe you should see if he won’t sell you some and try to look a little more warm-blooded, ‘kay Casper?

Anyhow, Black-Eye Nathan still thinks that winning this show is like a “catapult” and that it would make him a “starlet of design”. Sure, it will… has anybody seen Gay Dad since last season? Anyone?

… “Where Are They Now?” Top Design Season 1 Edition…

Whatisit is treating us to an inside look at his gauzy interior world, “I-grad-u-a-ted-from-Par-sons-for-fa-shion-but-I-did-not-real-ly-en-joy-my-time-in-the-fa-shion-in-dus-try… In-ter-i-or-de-sign-is-a-lit-tle-bit-clo-ser-to-my-heart-and-if-I-were-to-win-I-would-cre-ate-a-busi-ness-that-would-you-know-fur-ther-my-de-sign-ca-reer…” Really! You’d spend the prize money on furthering your design career? I would have thought you’d blow the hundred grand on candy and records. Okay, maybe that’s just me….

And oh wow, they’re showing Eddie BaueRoss selecting yet another original clothing ensemble consisting of vintage 80′s Izod Preppy-Wear, but there’s a woman speaking in a bad imitation of an English accent and saying “Your first challenge is two dollars and a box of macaroni and cheese… make something beautiful!” What in gay hell? OH, dear Lord, that was Eddie flexing his comedy muscles and imitating India Hicks! This is why I hate him so much, because he hates on one of the very few things in life that I have come to love unconditionally…

…even though you sometimes give me gas, I wuv you Cheesiest! *mwah*…

Eddie is recounting his successful record so far of being topsies twice and having won the last challenge (whoop-de-doo, you can paint a child’s rendition of a “Tree Of Life” on a cinderblock wall, get over yourself La’Martha LaTrell) and is whining that he wants this next challenge to be an individual challenge so he can have a chance to do something all on his own. Like masturbating over his own spreads in MS Living and videotaping himself.

After the obligatory shots of zooming traffic in L.A. (like a cheapo version of Madonna’s “Ray Of Light” video, minus Madge) the designers all wind up in… a parking lot next to a strip mall! They are greeted by India and her giant 70′s sunglasses, and look how cute Big Daddy looks in a ball cap…

…he also looks like a big melting lime popsicle… *slurp* …

India is saying something about testing their abilities in “broader strokes” and I’m beginning to think that maybe this challenge has something to do with masturbation after all, but then I snap myself out of my Big Daddy daydreams and try to pay attention to what Miz Royal Family is saying… “We are stahnding in front ahv what will be an exCLEWsive booteeque in downtown Lowss AHNjayLEEs” Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t make fun of her uppah crost accent, but I get such a kick out of hearing Brits refer to L.A. as “Lowss AHNjayLEEs”! And yes, it’s gonna be another team challenge, so sorry Mr. Eddie, no solo glory for you until late tonight when you lock yourself in the Union Lofts bathroom. This time they’ll be designing a window display!

Time to play “Pick A Paint Chip From India’s Hands” and of course Silver Spoon Andrea is super disappointed that she wound up with Prettyboy Preston because he’s been a bottom-boy twice, and she had gotten to work with the fabulous Christ-like Eddie BaueRoss, so she’s used to someone a little closer to her level of saintliness and blahby-blahby-blah…

…It’s just so hard to be human when you’re this perfect, right Andy?…

So the combinations wound up like this:
Team Bitter – Silver Spoon Andrea and Prettyboy Preston
Team Bruises – Downtown Shazia Brown and Black-Eye Nathan
Team Estrogen – SexOndineCity and Nasal Natalie
Team Chub’N'Chaser – Big Daddy Kerry and Whatisit
Team Short’N'Skinny – Eddie BaueRoss and Twiggy Teresa

Ah ah ah, but we’re not done yet, because Indy says that each of the teams is going to have a client to work with as well! Just what they need, a third direction to be yanked in! And out stroll tonight’s crossover crew… former failures contestants from Project Runway! Yay for loozerz famewhores unemployed clothing designers!

Eddie immediately cums all over the inside of his Calvins when he spots the evillicious Santino (who is a fabulous designer by virtue of the fact that if you put any busted-up piece-of-shit tacky-ass dress next to his face, it will automatically look expensive and lovely… the dress, not Santino) and Eddie wants to work with him sooooo baaad that he’s nearly split the front of his Jordachesâ„¢ with his bubbling turgidity.

So who’s desperate and waiting by the phone for any stray calls from Magical Elves or the Weinsteins? Well, we have Sweet P (Season 4 Tatted-Up Biker Chick) and Daniel Franco (Seasons 1 & 2 two-time loozah) and Andrae Gonzalo (Season 2 Andro’gina) and Jeffrey Sebelia (“Winner” of Season 3 and another Tatted-Up Biker Chick) and Santino Rice (Season 2 Close But No Cigar And Hated Losing To Teeny Tiny Asian Woman And Quite Possibly Still Bitter As Hell About It)!

…Why is it that the “winner” is the one wearing the ugliest clothes?…

Indy introduces the designers to the designers (guffaw) and explains that the Runwayers have each designed a dress that the Top Designers will have to build their window display around. This should be stunning, because I thought you couldn’t design a room around a giant piece of fug, but things seem more relaxed this season.

And first to be matched is Santino with Team Short’N'Skinny which makes Eddie even more excited!

…strong enough for a man, but you could use it too, Edwina…

…and he just thinks that he’s been united with his bestest sister evah! “I was, like, fuck yes! Santino’s so bitchy, has attitude, talks back… I mean, he’s a little bit of me!” Oh please, don’t embarrass yourself, amateur!

Team Chub’N'Chaser is no doubt thrilled to be the recipient of the gift that is Jeffrey Sebelia, who certainly feels they should be thrilled as he brags “Who got the only winner of the bunch, that’s what I wanna know!” *chirp* *chirp* *chirp* *chirp* Yeah, except I would think a real winner would be too busy working to be bothered with a lame window-display challenge on the future site of a Koo-Koo-Roo, a Starbucks and a Family Dollar store. Big Daddy seems to be a tad ambivalent himself as he interviews “Ah r’maymbur watchin’ Jayfrey ‘n he was kahnna lahk the rebel on the show, and ah thouwght, ‘Well, y’know, he-… ahhh….”

…if y’caint say anythaing nahce, jest smahl real big-lahk!…

…and after a few moments of hemming and hawing and struggling for his Southern Gentility, Kerry finishes “Wayill, yew know what? Yew take whatcha git.” It’s okay Big Daddy, we’re all totally gagging here, too.

Well it looks like Team Estrogen just landed an extra set of ovaries, because Sweet P is giggling and girl-twirling her way over to the lovin’ arms of Nasal Nat and SexOndineCity… Yay for girl power! I guess. And Team Bruises got Andrae Gonzalo, leaving Team Bitter with Daniel Franco, who insists he’s glad and says “I was hoping to get Team Gorgeous!…”

…well, he’s half right anyhow…

La India gives them 30 minutes to pitch their ideas to the Runwayers and then the Runwayers are going to further drive a wedge into any possible team cooperation by choosing one designer to be the leader and the other to be the “fetch-me-a-soy-latté-bitch”… Let’s go!

And it appears that Santino has designed a black trench-coat dress that’s pretty much ripped off from V-For-Vendetta…

…I can’t understand why he didn’t win…

Santino says his dress is really “sick”, and Eddie parrots that it’s “so sick” and then Ne-Yo writes a hit song about it and then I get “super sick”. Eddie is nervous that Santino is gonna think that his “preppy side” is gonna come out on the design they make for the dress-display, because the dress is just so original, it’s so edgy, it’s so black…

…those gothic pilgrim drag queens are frightening…

Hey, did Team Short’N'Skinny have another member? I’m tryina think… oh yeah, there’s Twiggy Teresa just standing there taking notes and not saying a word as Santino and Eddie BaueRoss gush hot sweaty sticky fabulous egolove all over each other… and Eddie interviews that he can see himself just taking charge of this whole project. I can see myself holding Eddie’s head under water.

And Team Estrogen is just squealing themselves silly over Sweet P’s amazing dress! And they’re serious!

…wow, a grapelberry push-up pop!…

Sweet P keeps the girly-girl stereotyping going when she says that her dress is all about being a “cocoon to a butterfly”. Again with the originality. Well, what else do cocoons turn into…?

…these aliens were so amazing they brought us Hume Cronyn in a swimsuit!…

*sigh* That would make a lot more interesting dress. Still, SexOndineCity plays her Sex And The City Set Designer Experience Cardâ„¢ for the first time since the first episode when she first mentioned it and says that since Carrie and the gals did so much shopping on that show, they had to do an awful lot of window displays… and she smiles knowingly at the camera. Well, all right for finally having some confidence Miss Ondine!

Of course, not wanting to be left out, Nasal Nat is heftily jumping all over the place and tossing out all kinds of crazy ideas (like the dress “bursting out” of the cocoon, which is super-original, too) because she really really wants to be chosen as the team leader on this one. Girl, I dunno if I’d be so quick to jump on that particular sword, because the more I look at that dress, the more it reminds me of something I’ve seen before…

…Natalie Hammer & Nina Hammer-Ortiz from “The Rich Cry Too”…

Sweet P says she’s all for the “girl power” and she thinks they’re gonna win. I think there are gonna be butterflies and hearts and flowers exploding all over the place.

And hey, here’s Team Bitter, and Andrea is just cooing over Daniel’s dress, saying “This is totally me!”…

…a bitchy shapeless snot-green bedsheet is so Andrea…

…and she says she’d buy it in 30 seconds. and she’s wondering how she’s “going to make this dress even better than it already is!” Notice she’s not making that a “we”, but an “I”. Watch your gorgeous ass, Prettyboy. Meanwhile Daniel is proving exactly why he is a giant douche who got booted on the first show of the first season and the fourth show of the second… he is reading a poime he’s written about the dress, and the designers are supposed to take their inspiration from this… and I quote:

“It is night
She is floating
She is hovering
So she is surrounded by a forest of
Hanging black branches
Below is raked gold sand
Glittering and undisturbed”

…”Roses are red, violets are blue, this dress is busted, and your team is, too”…

Prettyboy Preston and Silver Spoon Andrea both are thinking how great it is that Daniel is making this “so easy” for them by being so specific with the visuals he wants in his crappy poem. I’m thinking they’re both out of their minds because they’ve just been hamstrung by this hack! How are they supposed to put any kind of creativity into the design if he’s telling them exactly how he wants it to look? He doesn’t need designers, he needs day-laborers to carry out his fabulously stupid vision. It is no mystery to me any more why our boy Daniel was available to do this project (and why he was eliminated so early both times). Dannyboy thinks he’s making it “easy” for them to do “their best work”. Hack.

Enough of that doofus, here’s another doofus, Andrae Gonzalo, who has designed a drab gray potato sack with room for gigantic helium-filled boobs and a great big chunky ass in it…

…”The Little Gray Mushroom Who Got Left All Alone In The Window And Wanted To Die But Was Too Sad”…

Black-Eye Nathan agrees with me as he interviews “I’m a little unnerved by Andrae’s dress because I felt that it was very ‘Debbie Downer’… I thought the color was sad…” Honey, the color ain’t the only depression going on here, cuz Andrae’s putting way too much meaning into this piece of shit… he’s talking about the upcoming election, and politics and the murky bizarre uncertain times we live in, but yet this hunk of grey flannel is very “dramatic and dynamic” somehow. Perhaps if it caught fire? Nathan’s not getting it, either, but Shazzie is certainly trying to roll with Andrae’s bizarre-ass concept, talking about waves and vortexes and Andrae’s waving his arms all around like one of those airblown nylon-tube-thingies you see at used-car-dealerships. This one is gonna be a bitch for sure.

My least favorite contestant on Project Runway, Jeffrey “Dickface” Sebelia has been unleashed upon Team Chub’N'Chaser. Of course, his original idea was to rip off “Blade Runner” for his design…

…toot-toot… heyyyy… beep-beep… “Hey mister!”…

Wow, black skinny jeans and a low-cut jacket top with a 40′s wig stuck on top. This stuff is total crap. And this could not be a worse team for the movie referenced. Big Daddy says that when Jeffrey said “Blade Runner” he thought he meant “Blades Of Glory”…

…*sigh*…Big Daddy’s so cute, even when he’s being a total ditz…

Eh, sometimes I confuse Will Ferrell for an android, too. Big Daddy continues “Ah was lahk, Deah Loword, make me a burrd so ah kin fly fah fah away ‘cuz ah had no CLEW what he was talkin’ ’bout!” Can you blame him? What designer wants to hear “post-apocalyptic Los Angeles” as their inspiration? As bad off as Daddy Ker-Bear thinks he is, at least he’s on the same planet as Jeffrey… ‘cuz Whatisit is in some other solar system as he blabbles “I-was-i-mag-in-ing-like-a-ver-y-ro-co-co-room-that-I-would-paint-like-with-the-walls-graf-fi-tied-in-an-ti-es-tab-lish-ment-kind-of…” Jeffrey says he was confused by Whatisit, and felt his only suggestion was “a graffiti wall and ro-co-co.”

…even his personal so-called “fashion sense” is still a rip-off!…

I still don’t understand why this douche thinks he has any room to speak down to anyone after he stoled the costuming job for the Bratz dolls movie away from poor Paula Abdul! Referring to Whatisit, he opines “I don’t know from whence he came… but that ain’t high-end!” Yeah, well neither is wearing your stupid sunglasses indoors, you tatted ‘tard. Finally realizing that his awesomely over-copied “Blade Runner” reference is not explaining his vision, he goes for proposing a “kaleidoscope” effect, at which point Big Daddy makes a connection through artist David Hockney and staggered mirrors, and Jeffrey is so impressed that he makes Big Daddy the Team Chub’N'Chaser leader (but privately laughs that he thinks Whatisit’s gonna bring Big Daddy down).

Andrae picks Black-Eyed Nathan to be Team Bruises leader (Downtown Shazia Brown once again skates into the background). Santino pickes Eddie BaueRoss (of course) as lead of Team Short’N'Skinny with Twiggy Teresa relegated to Assistant Nobody. Daniel picks Prettyboy Preston to lead Team Bitter, and Silver Spoon Andrea insists that she’s fine with this choice, it’s okay by her for Preston to “have the title… and take the fall, I guess!” Nice team spirit there, A-List… but I think your face betrays your real feelings…

…(They smile in your face)… All the time they want to take your place…The back stabbers (back stabbers)…

Ten bucks says she tries to find a way to fit the picture of her and RICK SCHRODER into the window somewhere (even though Daniel’s lame-o-rama poem didn’t mention pictures of has-been 80′s child-stars, I bet she’ll find a way). Meanwhile, Sweet P goes with SexOndineCity as the Team Estrogen leader because she’s older… and less likely to spout offensively ignorant dribble regarding the Second Sino-Japanese War (Nasal Nat, shame on you, if nothing else, at least check out “Hiroshima” on wikipedia, ‘kay?) Natalie says “Being so young alotta people have doubts about my experience… but I’m just gonna work my ass off!” Mmmm, you better work harder, girl, cuz I think your ass is gaining on you…

So they’ve got 30 more minutes to make plans and $400 for fabrics and wall coverings. On Team Chub’N'Chaser Big Daddy Ker-Bear is nervous about being the leader, because he is still having trouble connecting to Whatisit…

…”Wisit, honey? Kin yew stop flippin’ off that camera over thayur and look at may for a minute? Swaitie? Shugah-Pah?”…

Whatisit is still pushing for his “ro-co-co” theme, but finally the light goes on in his wispy head that this is not the direction Big Daddy (or Prickface Sebelia) wants to go in. Yay for reconnecting with the current time-space continuum! Sorta. Ker-Bear says Whatisit still isn’t on track and still wants to do “Bloomingdale’s foo-foo”, but Whatisit finally makes a valid point that they’re supposed to show something special about their design point of view and “there’s-no-thing-spe-cial-a-bout-a-mir-rored-wall.” Touché. Well, time to go shop for some shite…

They’ve got another $500 to split between the hardware (straight) store and the craft (gay) store. Prettyboy is buying tree branches (as per Daniel’s stupid poime), SexOndineCity is buying every neon-colored fabric butterfly the craft store has on it’s shelves (dear… Gawd!). Whatisit was sent to the craft store to get mirrors and spray paint, except they sell all that stuff at the hardware store, so he mostly just wanders around looking at all the pretty pretty colors and buying glitter, baubles and beads…. as he minces around like an untethered mylar balloon, poor Big Daddy is literally running around the hardware store trying to buy every mirror he can get his chubby little hands on, and thinks he may have lost 5 or 10 pounds just a-runnin’ his butt off…

…Go, Daddy, GO!…

NOW, they get to go to the “Top Design Showroom”, which is something brand new, and they have another $600 to spend here on stuff. Man, with all the cash they’re being handed, they really better come up with some better shit than just some busted-up mirrors… Team Bruises seems to be having an in-depth discussion about some wicker items that Black-Eye Nathan wants to buy, but Downtown Shazia Brown says that she doesn’t think Andrae is “a wicker guy”, but Nathan goes ahead anyhow because he doesn’t want to play it safe. Yes, I know toying with wicker can be quite a risky thing, and is not for the faint of heart…

Suddenly in 15 minutes it got totally dark and the designers have only got 3 hours to work on their Windows Vistas! Team Short’N'Skinny has Eddie BaueRoss’ motor running on the “liquefy” setting, because he’s just shooting commands out of his mouth like bullets and his reedy little voice keeps getting higher and higher, and he sounds more like a woman than ever (although a woman with a severe addiction to stimulant medications). Twiggy Teresa is just struggling to keep herself sane as she realizes she’s been paired with a creepy little marionette…

It looks like Prettyboy Preston learned his lesson from the first challenge when he wound up accidentally painting the floors, and this time he’s actually putting a handy-dandy drop cloth beneath the trees he’s spray-painting! Yay for cognitive skillz! Those blackened trees are gonna look like Death On A Stick, but at least you’ve thought something through!

Downtown Shazia Brown and Black Eye Nathan are painting and suddenly Shazia looks up at the side-surface they’re working on and says “Do you think that wall is straight?” Snorting, Nathan replies “Honey, there ain’t nothin’ straight on this show!” Yup, not even the big fat recapper… *snap* *snap* *snap*

Meanwhile, Team Chub’N'Chaser has painted the main part of their wall a screaming yellow (and I mean it screams “YELLOW!!!!!”) and they’re putting up a patterned foil wallpaper that looks more “backwoods whorehouse” than “Blade Runner”, and although their client Jeffrey “Dahmer” Sebelia had specific ideas of what he wanted, Big Daddy is trying to help bring Whatisit’s ideas into the fold as well, so he’s compromising with this silly wallpaper.

…I take it back, this isn’t looking like a whorehouse, it’s looking more like the set of Paul and Jan Crouch’s TBN shows…

And speaking of holy people, here comes Todd Oldma’am to consult, and for once it’s not in the last five minutes of the challenge when it’s too late to do anything with his suggestions other than cry. He’s visiting Team Bruises and wonders if they have checked the gray of Andrae’s sad dress against the gray that they’ve painted their back wall in. Gee, that would have been smart, although I don’t blame them at all if it’s a backhanded attempt to try and hide that fugly dress. Todd does give them some good advice on how to break their mirrors (glue paper to the back of it before you whack it apart, which is actually quite a practical tip!… me, I just woulda been tossing them off the roof of the building, kinda casually aiming for Silver Spoon Andrea or Eddie BaueRoss in a completely offhanded way).

Oh no, Big Daddy Ker-Bear is going to start attempting to attach their mirrors to their back wall to create the “kaleidoscope effect” and he only has Whatisit as his wispy helper! This can’t be good. After slathering the back of a large 4-foot square with mastic adhesive, Kerry has to go outside for a moment to cut some shims and leaves Whatisit in charge of holding the mirror in place… and of course, within a few minutes, poor Whatisit is losing his grip on it and can’t seem to keep it held in place…

…it’s like using a delicate flower to hammer nails…

…and now their mirror has slid down the wall about three inches, leaving a big ucky trail of mastic on their nice yellow wall. “I’m-not-good-at-hol-ding-stuff.” says Whatisit as they just take the mirror down. As patient and forgiving as he is, Big Daddy’s gettin’ mighty heated. “Ah’uz abayowt t’drop-kick’im t’JAYsus ah thought raght thayir on the spot, but ah smahled lahk a true Southerner…”

…meaning “the embodiment of passive-aggressive”…

Ah, I don’t blame him, it’s gotta be frustrating as hell to work with someone as ethereal as Whatisit, who is so easily distracted by dust motes floating on a sunbeam, or the sunbeam itself, or just light in general.

Meanwhile, the parking lot of La Super Strip Mall has all kinds of painting, spraying and other work going on. Eddie BaueRoss is breaking a bunch of mirrors into a bucket and laughing about how he has, like, five hundred years of bad luck coming. We can only hope so…

And just for fun, how about a gratuitous ass-cap of Prettyboy Preston?…

…and for any of you into Silver Spoon Andrea, her ass is lumbering around in the background somewhere, too…

It’s the next day, and everybody is scrambling back to work, because they’ve only got 4 hours to finish their windowscapes off. Big Daddy Kerry is hanging smaller mirror squares at different levels to try once and for all to get the damned kaleidoscope feeling they were going for. Whatisit is nowhere in sight, but that’s probably because he’s having an in-depth conversation with a dandelion he found growing in the parking lot. Daddy seems to be doing pretty well on his own.

And on Team Bitter, Prettyboy Preston is trying to get Silver Spoon Andrea to help him as they utilize piano wire to try and suspend their 75 pound mannequin (since Daniel so helpfully specified that she was “floating”… do y’all still think he made this shit easy for ya?)
and while Andrea is dicking around with the base, Preston is urgently saying “You need to put the bar in her butt…” Andrea says “But I think we need to-” “You need to put the bar in her butt!” overrides Preston. “Okay, yeah.” says Andrea absentmindedly. She’s still not moving fast enough with the mannequin-sodomization as Preston barks, “This is heavy… honey, I need you to get the bar in her butt and forget about the work behind ya!”…

…*sigh*…I guess all those hard-won muscles on that gym-toned bod are just for show after all…

Of course, Silver Spoon Andrea has to chime in from BitchAssLand as she says “I like Preston, but Preston’s got a totally take-charge dominant personality-type, and part of being a good designer is being able to get along with a lot of different personality types!” This coming from the woman who bitched when she didn’t get paired up with Precious Eddie. Ladies and gentlemen… welcome to the domain of Silver Spoon Andrea… a place also known as Hypocritica… where she is Queen of Chutzpah and Empress of Self-Delusion!

Back over at Team Bruises, Black-Eye Nathan thinks everything’s going pretty well… until Andrae shows up. Remember the discussion they had about the wicker? Well, Andrae is about to share something personal… “We lived with so much wicker in my house as a child… I have a bit of an aversion to it, so, ummmmm…. no, I can’t do the wicker, I’m so sorry, no wicker!” I guess I can see how disturbing all that wickery stuff could be…

…perhaps he also has an aversion to wire as well?…

Way to go Asshole Andrae, there’s only 2 hours left and you’ve just made a great big bunch of the work that they’ve done completely useless. Oh yeah, and your dress design is a piece of shit, too. Fuckwad.

Team Estrogen seems to be hanging on just fine, Nasal Nat says they’re gonna be done on time for sure, and Sweet P loves what they’ve done so far (which looks like painting and that’s about it).

Lovely. Here comes Jeffrey SeBeelzebub, and he calls Big Daddy and Whatisit outside to look upon their uggo project and immediately says there’s “entirely too much of that wallpaper”. He does have a point, but he’s still a dickface. Ker-Bear feels awful for letting Whatisit convince him to use the foily shiny shit that now adorns over half the back wall of their space, and Jeffrey says it has no connection to the sleek, futuristic, “less is more” aesthetic he was going for. Big fuckin’ whoop, your tranny-hoe outfit looks just as trashy amongst the ro-co-co foilpaper as it does amongst the plain mirrors.

Meanwhile, Dumbshit Daniel is saying that Team Bitter’s window is just so much better than everyone else’s, and that they’re going to win the challenge. Prettyboy does not look convinced, and I think it’s because he figured out that Daniel is an ass-clown, but to appease the ass-clown’s ego, they have him sign the window display so “everyone knows who made the dress!” Yes, the gorgeous phlegm-phrock is toooo pretty!

Ah ha, here comes Santino to check in with Team Short’N'Skinny, and the bright fuschia they painted their back wall is a little too gay even for Santino, so they’re gonna have to darken it up with shoe-polish. More work. Thanks Lady S. Santino asks Eddie BaueRoss if he’s gonna have enough time, and Eddie bleats that he’s working as hard as he can. When Satanio asks Eddie if Teresa is being a good worker, Eddie gets all pissy looking and says “No!” because he says she’s super-slow so he may as well do it himself. Just like his sex life.

…An. Noy. Ing….

Ah, how soon Eddie BaueRoss has forgotten the team that worked so poorly together last week and were both eliminated! It would serve him right to get sent home that way, the little asshole.

Oh crud, Team Chub’N'Chaser is in the fucking weeds for sure. Big Daddy is staring in disbelief at their giant Lemon Drop Whore House of a room and doesn’t know how to fix it. And then Whatisit has the brilliant idea for them to paint two of the window segments on each side dead-black to make it a much smaller space, and Big Daddy jumps on top of this idea like it’s a big ol’ plate of chicken’n'dumplings.

With only 30 minutes left to go everybody’s running around like crazy meth-addicts looking for that shard of ‘Tina they lost in the carpeting…. and time is up!

Here comes India Hicks, and tagging along is the ever-sassy pottery-genius Jonathan Adler, cougarriffic Margaret Russell… and tonight Kelly Worstler has dressed up as a French Prostitute (complete with extra fake crimpy weave and a raspberry sequined berét!)…

…Prince would be so proud of you, Kelly….

First up to be judged is Team Bruises, with Black-Eye Daniel and Downtown Shazia Brown (fug dress by Andrae Gonzalo)…

…They called it “Political Turmoil”… I called it “Buncha Broken Glass”…

Right away Jonathan Adler gets a very puzzled look on his face and wants to know what the damn concept was, and Nathan launches into “gray moments in time” and “not knowing where we are politically” and how it all moves into that ugly sad-sack dress… clearly Jonathan’s not buying any of it…

…Jonathan’s Bullshit-O-Meter is clanging loud and clear…

Kelly says that it needs a set of Cliff’s Notes to go with it, and questions the ethnic touches with some of the jewelry on the mannequin and some of the lamps they chose. Downtown Shazia Brown jumps right into the lake of cowshit as she explains they actually chose these touches “partially because in current events you’re always hearing about Pakistan and what’s happening in the Eastern countries, and how this dress that represents change can fuse the East and the West together!” Huh? Shazzie’s talking out her ample ass again.

Margaret The Shit-Starter asks Andrae if this is the vision he had… and he says truthfully it is not, but in his favor he points out that the whole reason why you collaborate is to get a different point of view. Oh, and to make sure they respect your wicker-phobias.

Next up is Team Estrogen, with SexOndineCity and Nasal Natalie (Grapelberry Push-Up Pop Dress by Sweet P)…

…They called it “Butterfly Emerging”… I call it “Shining Vagina”…

Honestly I thought this looked like a Scrapbooker’s dream with all the cutesy butterflies everywhere, and the way they tacked back a corner of the dress to the wall it looks like it got caught there unintentionally. Jonathan, however, thinks that was a brilliant idea (and it was Nasal Nat’s brilliant idea, no less). I’m also not sure why they illuminated her vaginal area the way they did, but Sweet P just loves it and thinks they all did great girly-girl-powery-power things together, and the girls all jump up and down in a circle and squeal at one another. Barf-O-Rama!

Ohhh, it’s time for Team Chub’N'Chaser, with Big Daddy Kerry and Whatisit, (stunningly original black-on-black clothing by Jeffrey Sebaceous Glands) and you can tell right away that Big Daddy is feeling pretty down about this, his voice sounds listless and tired and he looks embarrassed…

…They called it “Blade Runner”… I call it “Copyright Infringement”…

Right away Hooker Kelly wants to know why they blacked out the two side windows… Big Daddy tries to play it off like it was part of the original “kaleidoscope” plan, but I don’t think Kelly’s really convinced. She inquires after the glass beads and baubles and bowls, and wants to know what their reference point is. Whatisit quite honestly says they have no reference point, they’re just there to add “sparkle” and “visual interest”. India asks Jeffrey The Asshat if this is his vision, and like the dickface he is, he automatically says no, it’s not… Big Daddy’s face is quite plain…

…”Yew scrawny little ayasshowull.”…

And can you blame him? Jeffrey insisted upon using a movie reference that neither of them knew (hell, the only reason why I know what “Blade Runner” is is because I used to have kind of a crush on Harrison Ford before he hit his 70′s and started fucking loosely-bound bundles of twigs named “Calista”) and he’s just an all around wizened saggy ball-sac with a dirty 70′s-porn mustache and nasty neck-tats. And Charles Manson hair.

Awaiting the adulation they are certain they will receive is Team Short’N'Skinny, with Eddie BaueRoss and Twiggy Teresa (V for Vendetta Dress by Satantino)…

…They called it “Venice At Night”… I call it “Scary Bitch On The Ho Stroll”…

They, too, used broken mirrors and a pinch of Bat’s Blood, plus some Eye of Newt and Testicle of Chupacabra… I’m not even gonna bother with what Eddie said about it, because he was just blathering to hear himself talk, because he thinks everything he says is awesome, suffice it to say his head was jiggling back and forth like a bobble-head doll’s. Margie wants to know if Santino likes the display, and he says that he does. I don’t know whether this fact makes any difference here or not… cuz I don’t know that he really loves the window so much as he likes being bitch-sisters with Eddie…

Bringing up the rear is Team Bitter, with Prettyboy Preston and Silver Spoon Andrea (Bedsheet by Daniel Franco)…

…They called it the amazingly original “Paris At Night”… I call it “I Hate This Phlegm Rag So Much I Hung Myself”…

Kelly Worstler thinks the dress itself is “insane”. She loves it. Kelly is wearing ankle socks as part of her ensemble tonight, and I just can’t take her seriously at all…

…I think Jonathan stuffs his crotch!…

They don’t have too much more to say about it, so it’s time to head back to the Red Room for amputations and tourniquets!

Tonight the top two teams were Team Bitter (Prettyboy Preston and Silver Spoon Andrea) with their Phloating Phlegm Phrock (Jonathan calls their colors “Fuhllllawless!”) and Team Estrogen (SexOndineCity and Nasal Natalie) with their Love Is Like A Butterfly As Soft And Gentle As A Sigh dress. Jonathan says their window was “incredible, creative, confident, surprising and beautiful”.

The best thing about this scene is that before Jonathan announced Team Estrogen, they had a shot of Eddie BaueRoss and his little smirky face, and you just knew he was thinking was gonna win, and that kinda faded when he realized he didn’t…

…”I’m gonna win!” quickly morphs into “I didn’t win?!?”…

And beaming broadly, La India congratulates… Team Estrogen (SexOndineCity and Nasal Natalie) for their win! It’s not “girl power” any more, now it’s full-blown “woman power”! Zig-a-zig-ahhh! Silver Spoon Andrea looks like she swallowed a bug, but she did clap a little (a very little) for them, and Teams Bitter and Estrogen are dismissed so they can all go and have a beer or six…

Next up Jonathan calls out Team Short’N'Skinny (Eddie BaueRoss and Twiggy Teresa) and points out that while their colors were fantastic and they had a happy evil client, their overall room looked sloppy and the black dress didn’t show up so well against the black background (duhhhh, who knew?) but they’re safe and are excused.

On the bottom of the pile is Team Chub’N'Chaser (Big Daddy Kerry and Whatisit) whose room Jonathan calls “a mess.” and wants to know how they think they worked together as a team. Big Daddy says Whatisit is a wonderful designer, but that he connected better with Asshole Jeffrey over their love of David Hockney, and his mistake was straying from that and trying to make sure Whatisit’s style was also included. India goes on to ask if Jeffrey was a demanding client, and Whatisit pipes up that he thinks he was, and that his demandingness was detrimental to their own vision. Not to mention that he looks like he smells bad.

Also up for rectal probing is Team Bruises (Black-Eye Nathan and Downtown Shazia Brown) whose room Jonathan also calls “a mess.” and says that they created a “narrative that made no sense”. Yeah, except that was Andrae’s stupid idea, not theirs. Margaret congratulates them on pleasing their client, but says it’s still “a bad window”. Ouch. Thanks Margaret, why don’t you loosen your ass up a little and let out a few more tschotschkes, ‘kay? You’ll feel better, I promise.

In his own defense, Nathan bringsup the fact the really pretty much hated the dress, which provokes an amusing face from Jonathan…

…Oooh, no she did NOT…

Miz Hicks asks Shazzie if this fug design sends someone home, who should it be out of her and Nathan? Shazia says she can’t decide that, and India asks if she’s okay if they both wind up going home because of it. I’m sure it’s killing her inside, but Shazia says if that’s how it has to be, then that’s how it has to be. All right Shazia, you might have just bit into the death-donut, but at least you didn’t go for a murder-suicide thing…

However, when India asks Nathan the same question, he turns to Shazia and says “I don’t want to throw you under the bus…” (which means he’s about to) “but I’d love to keep going…” Can we throw “throw you under the bus” under the bus yet? Either that, or really get a fuckin’ bus and start driving it through these elimination rooms so people actually get a chance to throw somebody under a bus.

Back over on the Other Side Of Sadness, Jonathan asks Big Daddy Kerry who carries the responsibility for their failed room… after a meaningful look at Whatisit, Ker-Bear steps up and does the right thing by saying “I do. I accept full responsibility.” When Jon-Jon asks Whatisit if Kerry should be sent home, he hesitates “Um… um…. um…. nnnnoo. He-did-his-best.” And they are dismissed while the Fab Four bitch some more.

Jonathan points out how Shazia once again stays in the background and doesn’t say much or risk much of anything. DUH! That’s why she’s still here and hanging out, judges! As far as Big Daddy Kerry and Whatisit goes, the judges admit that they got stuck with the wrong client and that they know they could do better work! I get the feeling there’s not a lot of love on this panel for Jeffrey Sebelia, either…

The bottom four are marched back in, and after a bunch of misdirection and 30 seconds of suspense… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT BIG DADDY!! YOU FUCKERS!!!…

… *snif* …what’m I gonna do without m’Ker-Bear?… *sob* …

Damn, this sucks! I think that just bites big time that they haven’t even ever had a chance to do an individual challenge yet, they’ve been saddled with other people since the very beginning, and that’s just not fair. Boo on you, Bravo! Well, as the sad guitar music plays, you can see that Shazia, Nathan and especially Whatisit feel awful that they’re losing Big Daddy, too… Whatitis looks particularly miserable…

…shoulda been you, little girl…

Big Daddy says the hardest thing about this is that he didn’t get the chance to show what he could really do, and that he is such a better designer than that… and then he quietly breaks down a little…

…awww, don’t cry Big Daddy, you’re breakin’ my heart…

And did I spy a small tear in the corner of Jonathan Adler’s eye? I think I did. Ker-Bear goes on to say that he did the right thing, took responsibility and is going back home to Atlanta with his head held high. He says “I hope it’s not the last you’ll see of Big Daddy… there’s something for me, something bigger, something better, cuz bigger is always better when it comes to Big Daddy… so we gotta make sure we take him to the top, no matter what it is… and whatever it is, it’ll be a lot of fun!”

…that’s right, Kerry, go out smilin’! *heart*…

And that’s the end! What did you think of this episode? Should Big Daddy have been the one to get the axe, or should Shazia have been called out for her hiding behind everyone all the time, or Whatisit for his constant stream of wacky weirdness? Next week it appears that Eddie BaueRoss gets into a snit-fit with some store employee who is not impressed by his credentials, which makes Eddie act like a HUGE asshole. It’s gonna be fun! (but not as much fun now that there won’t be any Big Daddy around to listen to… *sigh* Sometimes I wish that in reality TV the nice guys didn’t always finish last, y’know?..

love, J-Mo