Top Design: Lofty Ideals And Silver Spoons

When I was a wee lad just 15 years old, I told my mother that I wanted to “redecorate” my half of the horrible basement room I shared with my older brother. The people who had lived in our house before us had been extremely patriotic and had wallpapered the room in an eye-searingly hideous stars’n'bars pattern. The carpeting was blue-green shag. It was lit by giant 8-foot fluorescent bars. I’m sure my request sent my mother running for the liquor cabinet (where she would find a bunch of watered-down alcohol, because I sometimes ran there, too, and I didn’t want her to know about it) but she did allow me the freedom to change what I wanted. So I tore down the ugly wallpaper and painted the walls a deep eggplant purple. I also bought paper-lanterns from Pier-1 Imports and hung colored bulbs inside of them, while also fashioning my own Oriental linen scrolls by copying characters from a Chinese take-out menu (my bedroom wall said “Shrimp With Lobster Sauce” and “Five-Taste Vegetarian Delight” and “Visa/Mastercard Accepted”). The room became so much… uglier than when I first started fucking with it, but lucky for me we moved within a year and my fledgling design attempt became somebody else’s problem.

…a fresh set of Designing Women with big dreams (and lotsa issues)…

So, while I can appreciate interior design, I am by no means an expert in it, so anything you might see me write about Season 2 of Bravo’s reality-show competition Top Design is coming completely at the whim of my individual brain cells, who often work together to trip the rest of me up by saying really stupid things. I try to keep them quiet with alcohol. This might account for my taste, which tends to run straight past “good”, springboard off of “questionable” and dive right on into “tacky”. I never met a lava lamp that I didn’t absolutely love, and that’s really all you need to know, isn’t it? Good thing there are just scads of other hapless people out there with tacky taste who fancy themselves designers that I can sit back at my computer and make fun of! Are you ready to go visit Todd Oldham’s wet dreams? Ugh, me either, let’s watch this TV show instead…This season, Todd Oldham gets to play the Tim Gunn / Tom Colicchio / René Fris “mentoring” role while continuing to channel a sicklier version of Howdy Doody…

…”Do these SansaBelts make me look fat?”…

…and the season is actually hosted by India Hicks, whom I had never heard of before, but gosh she sure has a hoity-toity accent! However, once I found out that she is the daughter of famed British designer David Hicks and The Lady Pamela Carmen Louise Mountbatten Hicks (great-great-great-grandchild of Queen Victoria and in the line of succession to the British Throne) it makes a lot more sense that India should sound like a walking elocution lesson…

…”Oi! ‘Ere now, you mangy lot! Oi’ve ‘ad it upta me tits wif you bloggas, ay? Roight buncha blaydin’ poof-babble, innit?”…

India (and her velvety dulcet tones) inform us that over the next several weeks, 13 of America’s most talented designers (who apparently have no real day jobs or they wouldn’t have time to do a damned reality show) will face off in 10 challenges that will “test them to their limits”. I assume this means “carry some heavy shit around”… cuz you know us homosexuals just loooove to move heavy things (honey, we can lift weights till the veins pop out of our skin, but ask us to move a couch and you will receive a hair-toss and a disgusted look in return).

Helping India to judge is returning Prissy Queen, Jonathan Adler, whose devotion to 70′s ties and v-neck sweaters defies all logic and reason…

…Jon-Jon’s design company motto is: “If your heirs won’t fight over it, we won’t make it!”… and no, I’m not kidding…

Also returning is the Ever-Uptight Margaret Russell, Editor-In-Chief of Elle Decor Magazine…

…It’s too bad Margaret couldn’t take a stroll over to the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon and get a new hairstyle…

I didn’t care so much for her last season after her bitchy comment about “You just can’t design a room around a cat!”, because I bet there are celebrities that do and I know Margaret would never tell them that.. and because that is so fucking hypocritical considering that Jonathan Adler designs entire city blocks around his fucking dog. However, Margaret actually is a pretty good gal, she does an awful lot of charity work and cool stuff like that, so I’m coming around. I just wish she wasn’t wound so tight. I bet she even poops tasteful little tchotchkes…

…and it just wouldn’t be Top Design without the fabulously wonky Kelly Wearstler and her flash-fried hooker hair…

…It’s too bad Kelly couldn’t take a stroll over to the Shear Genius Nexxus Salon and get some conditioner…

She’s a baaaaaad bitch when it comes to interior design, though, as she has had a major hand in tons of hotels, offices and homes all over the world and her work is published in zillions of expensive glossy design magazines heavy enough to provide sufficient ballast for aircraft carriers.

Our Lucky Thirteen are competing for $100,000, a spread in Elle Decor magazine, and the right to say they have the Top Design!…

First up, we meet Nathan Thomas, who says he’s had an eye for design ever since he came out of his mama’s “ya-ya”. Aw, ick! Someone should tell him the appropriate term is “hoo-hoo” or “woo-woo” or “kit-kat” and that you should never ever refer to your mother as even having one…

…hmmm, is he giving us “Blue Steel”?…or “Magnum”?…

Nathan says “I’m gonna give you absolute chic.” He looks like he’s wearing a giant black foreskin on his head. He also looks like someone gave him a big shiner on his left eye. Mark my words, you’ll be wondering this every time you see him. Anyhow, next up to be introduced is Ondine Karady, who has been a set decorator for the past 15 years (uh oh, shades of Miss Carissa from Season 1!) and she’s very quick to tell us that she decorated for “Sex And The City”…

…that explains her “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” pose…

My guess is that we’re going to hear about SATC every time Miss Ondine opens her mouth? Sure enough, her first statement after her name is about how the show was “so fashion forward that it was very design forward as well?” SexOndineCity also phrases every sentence with an interrogative lift at the end, so everything she says sounds like a question? That is annoying already?

And hey, after two lily-white ladies, it’s time for a bit of racial diversity, and out comes Shazia Kirmani! She immediately says the thing that most sets her apart from the other designers is that she’s “brown”! Ummmmkay, Race Card in play?… check!…

…Downtown Shazia Brown…wubba-wubba!…

She owns her own design company called “Egospace Interiors”… I can see why she calls it that, because she says that her being an interior designer is very unusual for a Pakistani because “we’re usually doctors, lawyers or engineers!” I’m not sure if she’s trying to say that Pakistanis are usually not very creative people, or if she’s calling herself a loser because she couldn’t make it in med school, law school, or ITT Tech. She does believe that she has an edge over all the others because she has “a whole set of inspirations that maybe not everyone can pull from.” She says this with only the slightest hint of her own giant Egospace… alright girl, you betta be able to back yo trash talking self up!

Ohhhhhhh my, there’s a chubby daddy this time around! He’s pretty cute, too, and his name is Kerry Howard (be still my heart, he says he is also known as “Big Daddy”… mmmmm, MM, I just bet he is!)…

…my ***** belongs to Big Daddy!…

…and damn if he doesn’t have a sexy Southern accent, too! This is gonna be tough, ‘cuz I get weak for a strong Southern gentleman… He drawls “One of mah arliest maymories of interior desahn was when ah was 14 years old and mah parents let me borrow a thayowsand dollurs to remodel mah baydrewm!” What?!? Your folks gave you an entire grand to blow on your bedroom?? Man, I didn’t even get a ride to Pier One from mine! Damn, he has nice folks! And unlike the crap job that *I* did, Kerry’s folks loved what he did so much that they asked him to remodel the entire house! Wow, that sounds… like a huge lie! I mean, if I hadn’t watered down the booze in the liquor cabinet so much, maybe I could have gotten my mother drunk enough to let me remodel our entire house, but I don’t think she would have willingly agreed while sober.

Moving on, we meet Andrea Schroder, who also makes sure that she lets us know right away that her husband is Ricky Schroder. OH, sorry, I mean, *ahem* (in a deep basso voice) Rick Schroder. “He’s an actor and he’s had success from childhood through adulthood with his career” she insists. Did I say before that India Hicks had a hoity-toity accent? I apologize, for I mis-used the word. India sounds very proper, while Silver Spoon Andrea sounds hoity-toity (defined as: “pompous, self-important and snobbish”)…

…”Did I mention my husband, Rick Schroder, winner of the Golden Globe Award at age 10?”…

I’m getting a super-bitchy vibe from Andrea as she continues with her A-list delusions (based on her D-list husband’s career that peaked in 1980) and it’s going to be interesting to see where she takes us… but I’ve already had enough for the rest of the episode, so let’s leave Silver Spoon Andrea and her perpetually pinched face behind and meet cute little Eddie Ross, who is the senior style editor of Martha Stewart Living Magazine!…

…can you believe two celebrities competing?…

Wow, Bravo, the star-power this season is blinding me! Eddie BaueRoss looks like he expects a standing ovation for his disclosure of his awesome job title. He’s got some major ambition though, as he tells us he wants to having his own magazine, and his own products and be able to “do it all”! Cool! Like insider trading? Being a Jailhouse Susie? Wearing sweater vests? Eddie mostly cocks his head gayly back and forth a lot.

Here is the Requisite Young Girl, Natalie Williams, who has an extra-nasal-voice and insists (of course) that she’s not gonna be intimidated by anybody else in the group just cuz she’s only 24, by God, she’s gonna be there until the very end!

…you know what else doesn’t intimidate Nasal Natalie? Houndstooth! Or buffets!…

Well, as I’ve said before, her and 11 of her competitors are dead-wrong about that… and I’ve lost all interest in her as a tall handsome god of a man has just walked in. It’s time to meet Preston Lee… except Big Daddy Kerry beat me to it, as he’s already trying to chat Preston up (and seems to be uncomfortably shifting his undies to hide a probably giant and embarrassing boner)…

…do you blame him?…

God, I really want to hate on him because he’s so damn beautiful, and if he’s really smart and sweet and has a 15 inch penis then I’ll know for sure that there is no God. Right away he name-drops having worked with Janice Dickinson and Kelsey Grammer… and says rather loftily that most of his clients are in “the entertainment industry”… okay, yay for L.A. Smarmâ„¢!, maybe he does have a flaw or two after all…

Dear Cher In Gay Heaven, what do I see mincing towards me, but a tiny little Gaysian named Wisit Prapong! He is a fashion designer who has just “changed over” into interior design. As he introduces himself to Shazia, and she realizes she is no longer the sole “brown” of the group, she feels a little less special…

…time to visit Wisit Town!…

Wisit has this funny habit of speaking reeeeallly slowly in a monotone, like he’s just coming off a Xanax… “I’ve-al-ways-been-kind-of-a-mul-ti-fa-cet-ed-kind-of-per-son-o-rig-in-al-ly-I-want-ed-to-be-come-an-o-per-a-sing-er.” and suddenly he busts out in this bizarrely tuneless falsetto soprano aria while making stroke-victim-faces…

…time to leave Wisit Town!…

It’s just creepy and weird. I dub thee Whatisit. Speaking of creepy and weird, Todd Oldma’am has just come traipsing around the corner, and Eddie BaueRoss is about to cream all over his 2(x)ist’s when spies India Hicks accompanying him… “I love herrrrrr!” he oozes. How original. Just like his sweater vests and popped Izod collars.

India stiffly welcomes them (it’s not her fault, it’s just her accent) and lets the designers know that their first challenge is going to involve fully furnishing and decorating an entire apartment… in just two days!! Holy shit! I guess they’ve stepped out of that crappy “fake rooms in a warehouse” thing from last season, at least for this first challenge! The Lucky 13 are divided into four teams, with each team working for a specific client who may prove to be, in India’s words “difficult and particularly opinionated!” Heyyyy, nobody told me they were designing an apartment for me!

Here’s where we meet Teresa Keegan, who is an super-duper-ultra-mega-skinny interior designer in Las Vegas…

…Teresa gets away with calling Mary-Kate Olsen a fat bitch…

She says “There is soooo much money in Vegas, it’s just very bling-bling zing-zing…” Okay, can we retire the term “bling” from the national lexicon now? Cuz Twiggy Teresa is about as white as they come… but she can keep on saying “zing-zing”.

Anyhow, Team RED consists of Twiggy Teresa, SexOndineCity, Whatisit & Penis With Ears Nathan, while Team GREEN consists of Downtown Shazia Brown, Silver Spoon Andrea & Serge… that’s Serge Van Lian (and that’s pronounced “Sehhhrrrjjhhhe”) a “freelance designer” (meaning “unemployed”)…

…”Don’t make it sound like a detergent…”…

Serge feels that “unschooled interior designers have the advantage of being intuitive, so they don’t have all these ideas that ‘this is how a room has to look’… I break the rules!” Translation: “I couldn’t afford to go to FIDM or Parsons.” Hey girl, it’s cool, I could barely afford to go to community college, but you’re right about “unschooled designers”, they generally have no idea how a room should look at all. Unschooled Serge is insisting to his teammates that he’s artistic and “totally the creative guy!” as he high-fives them. Serge is already irritating.

Moving right along, Team BLUE consists of Big Daddy Kerry, PrettyBoy Preston, and Robert Reid… who looks almost exactly like a tiny hateful queen who used to work in my department. He wore those same harsh square-framed glasses, had little beady eyes, lived for The Rules and wanted no one else to enjoy life because he was so miserable…

…the grin alone says “I live to make you feel bad about yourself.”…

Rabid Robert says that his signature of everything that he does is his “attention to detail” which translates to “nitpicky as fuck”. Just you watch, this guy is going to be a bitch for sure. And not a fun bitch like Charlie Price…

Lastly, Team ORANGE consists of Eddie BaueRoss, Nasal Natalie and Jennifer Newsom, who is an architect, and is transgendered! Oh, wait! No, she just has a reeeeeally deep voice. And she’s about nine feet tall…

…Tranny Jenny in da houuuuuuse!…

Tranny Jenny is intrigued to find out who the client is. I’m intrigued to find out if she’s at all related to Barry White. They all take off in the product-placed Range Rovers they’ve been given and arrive at a place called 2121 Sales Gallery where their blank lofts are located. They are two storied, with a giant spiral staircase leading up to a huge bedroom, and nobody I know would ever be able to afford them, even if they’re in the worst possible neighborhood in Los Angeles.

Team ORANGE is up first, and walks into their loft to find that their client is…. Jonathan Adler! This makes Eddie BaueRoss even more soaking wet in the crotch as he just loooooooves Jonathan Adler because he’s so well known for his amazing colors and his pottery and he’s just so “talented, talented, TALENTED!” OMG, Eddie, could you kiss his ass some more? Jonny-Boy says he wants a “foundation of chic with bold gestures and surprises.” And, of course, it has to be dog-friendly. The most important piece of furniture to him is the sofa, and he tells them to take inspiration from the toilet water, which he calls “Caribbean Blue”. I call that particular shade Ty-D-Bol Toxic Tealâ„¢ myself…

…you can’t just design a loft around a toilet!…

Team RED finds out that their client is… Kelly Worstler! Penis With Ears (and his foreskin cap) says she designs “hotels and incredibly shocking eclectic poems”. Huh? I listened to it 37 times and I swear he said “poems” so I guess Kelly is a poet, too! You go Renaissance Girl! She wants a combination dining-room table/office, and says she collects china and art, but she wants no TVs! Mental note: Kelly’s Oscar parties will suck.

Team BLUE is shocked to find Margaret Russell (dressed to kill in head-to-toe Prada, natch) as their client. Big Daddy Kerry is thrilled by this, and in interview it appears that within his first ten minutes in Los Angeles he has rushed right out and gotten himself a both a sunburn and a fauxhawk! AAAAAUUUGH! Bedhead attacks again!

…No, Big Daddy, NOOOOOOO!…

Margaret (of course) hates the color beige, but she loves hot pink and cobalt blue (ooh girly plus boyly… gotcha Meg!) and she likes TV and books in her bedroom (ooh shallow plus deeplow… okey-dokey Margie!) plus “a good light to read by”. Miz Russell shore is a study in contradictions!

Team GREEN has the incredibly proper India Hicks as their client, and Silver Spoon Andrea is so shocked, she just wasn’t expecting that! I’m guessing she was thinking it was going to be somebody more important… like her husband Rick Schroder, for instance! No matter, as India wants a “Caribbean Plantation”-feel to it, and “not modern”. Hey Downtown Shazia Brown, is your awesomely different set of experiences giving you an advantage here? Ah, didn’t think so! India also wants sea-grass and wooden floors. Why not ask for a fucking swimming pool while you’re at it, girlfriend? Maybe have them build on a third floor while they’re at it? Better still, Silver Spoon Andrea feels like she and India are kindred spirits, because she likes all the same things that India likes! But of course, slimy little social climbers like Andrea always mimic the styles of the rich and famous. India could say she likes burlap sacks and yak-shit smeared on the walls and Silver Spoon Andrea would immediately tell her how amazing it is that she just did her family room in that same style this past week! Ugh, this bitch is making my vision blur in self-defense!

Before she leaves, India directs them to a note that she’s written them and takes off. They open the letter and discover that each team’s budget is only $2000.00! Major panic erupts! Holy fuck! I furnished my first apartment for $87.50 plus tax! Of course, most of my furniture was inflatable and you couldn’t smoke near it, but still, it can be done, you just have to have an eye for recycling… or back-alley dumpster diving.

Penis With Ears haughtily says that where he comes from as a designer, $2000.00 could be a table-lamp…

…Circumcised Penis With Ears (and a Black Eye)…

Well, I guess you might just have to forego the solid-platinum table lamps this time around Mr. Pee-Pee Head! Duh!

All of the designers are skittering about yapping about color-pops and textures and how are they gonna do this all for no money. Over on Team BLUE, Prettyboy Preston is noticing right away that Rabid Robert is very strict and conservative while he and Big Daddy Kerry are a little bit more free-thinking. Translation: Team BLUE is headed into a “no-fun-zone”! Watch out fellas!

Meanwhile, on Team GREEN, Silver Spoon Andrea is barking out orders to her teammates Downtown Shazia Brown and DeSergent as she calls out patterns and colors and pages in their swatchbooky thingies… Shazia claims that they’re “letting” Andrea lead them because DeSergent is so eclectic and Shazia’s so modern, and Andrea has done this old school type of design a zillion times before. I’d say she’s just running roughshod over both of you and you’re biting the pillow, but that’s just what it looks like on TV. DeSergent defends this position by saying that if anything about the project winds up sucking, then they’re all equally responsible. Because teammates on reality TV shows never stab each other in the back, right? Mm-hmm.

The teams all split up and half of them go to the thrift store, and the other half to “The Junkyard”, where all kinds of cheap fug can be found, polished up, and foisted off on Jon-Jon, Maggie, Kelly & India. It’s hysterical to see the designers getting super excited over cheap plastic chandeleirs from the 80′s, or pottery fragments, or random wrought-iron gates… they’re acting like they’ve discovered some kind of important archeological dig! Team BLUE’s Prettyboy Preston is at the thrift store and says he’s found a pink sofa and love-seat combo, so Rabid Robert magnanimously says that he and Big Daddy Kerry will take a “leap of faith” that he’s getting what they need. Prettyboy reminds them that they need to look for lamps, cuz Maggie likes to read. And time is up! Gotta grab your shit and go go go!

The next morning we are at the designers’ apartments, and holy shit, Prettyboy Preston has his shirt off!…

…Top Preston Porn…

…nice six-pack, Prettyboy! My boyfriend is interested in this show now! Don’t get sent home early! The two of us are hoping for a sweet monkey-lovin’ date between you and Big Daddy Kerry. Hey, Penis With Ears also has his shirt off, but it’s not as impressive since he’s a little bellyfied and a tad pasty. And will you please get some concealer for that shiner? Thanks.

India Hicks has surprised them at their apartments… because she says they’re not going to go to work on the lofts just yet, and instead they are all gathered out on the patio of their apartments, where Jonathan Adler stands next to a table containing a bunch of shadow-boxes. India says that instead of having a “pop quiz”, they will be having “Pop Design”. Like a Short-Cut Challenge or a Quick-Fire Challenge. Lame name, though. It should have been something like “Instant Interiors” or “Design On The Double” or “Throw Random Shit In A Picture Frame”… cuz that’s exactly what they’re going to have to do… They have 30 minutes to create and install a wall-hanging with items from inside their apartments that will be judged by the Fearsome Foursome, they’ll be judged as individuals and the outcome will weigh on their final loft judgments… plus the winner of “Pop Design” gets immunity! Yay for immunity! Except, you know, I’m beginning to think that a more fun prize would be to give that person a Throw Someone Else Under The Cliché-Bus card, and if you wind up sucking and get booted, you would be able to pull that out and choose someone else to go home in your place… wouldn’t that start up some serious shit? Are you listening, Bravo? Oh well, ready?… set!… STAMPEDE!!

In the mad rush to get the best shadow-boxes, the designers nearly trample each other and knock the table over! Who knew designers could be so unruly and violent? Silver Spoon Andrea says in her best superior-yet-bored-silly-voice that she doesn’t know what she’s going to do at all!

…”…and I don’t care, either, because I know I’m better than the rest of these non-Team-Schroder people!”…

Ugh, I hate you so much already Silver Spoon Andrea… and bring your fucking upturned nose back level again, the best things about your hubby’s 80′s TV show were Erin Gray, Jason Bateman and Alfonso Ribeiro. Moving on, Eddie BaueRoss says that they’re allowed to use things they brought with them, and since he’s “a travelling butler’s pantry” he has a bunch of sterling silver candy dishes and seashell soap trays… HUH? Maybe a toothbrush and some Febreeze for your sweater vest collection would have been smarter, but maybe he doesn’t have sweat glands or something.

Prettyboy Preston goes for my heart-strings (which doesn’t work, cuz they’re all already broken) as he says he’s only 26 and he’s lost a lot of family members to various addictions, so his depressing little soul-window exemplifies that…

…it’s like “Intervention” in a box…

I guess his family apparently has issues with cheap cigarettes, Compulsive Canasta tournaments and the seductive somnolence of Tylenol PM (which is actually a “gateway drug” that can lead to taking straight up Nuprin and Benadryl!… well, the more you know…). Sorry, but I think if he really wanted to be authentic about the whole “addictions” theme he would have parted with a bump or two of his own Tina or X supply. It just comes off as playing for sympathy, and J-Mo don’t care for that. Girl, you’re here to design rooms, not get free therapy.

And speaking of drugs, Whatisit is taking his usual Xanax-laden approach to the task as he’s calmly drawing fashion designs on paper to mount inside his wall boxes. It’s quite clear he has some talent for sketching, that’s for sure. Which brings us to Downtown Shazia Brown, who appears to have no talent for shadow boxes. She’s stuffed a bunch of apples… and toilet paper… inside her boxes. Apparently her super-unique “set of inspirations” that she’s always crowing about doesn’t include any knowledge of the most basic physics concept called “gravity”, because when she tries to mount her “Apples’N'Charmin”-art on the wall, they alllll come tumbling down on her…

…”Sir Isaac who???”…

…and it happens more than once. *sigh* And OMG! Penis With Ears broke one of his shadow boxes when it fell off the wall and he says he wanted to just kill himself! That’s an insult to suicidally depressed people everywhere, drama queen! Get over yourself and go get a dustpan and whisk broom…

And time is up! Downtown Shazia Brown never even got her diarrhea dumpage up on the wall! Girl, you’re looking like you’re gonna keep that whole “Eliminate The Minorities First” curse going!…

…and this shit ain’t helping nothin’!…

Girlfriend gets busted for time having run out. Next up is Silver Spoon Andrea, and she airily says “The whole theme of my life right now is peace…” Look, a bunch of rocks, and she even included a peace symbol made out of sandpaper!…

…abrasive… just like Andrea…

…except… Jonathan Adler instantly clocks that Silver Spoon Andrea did not, in fact, make an actual peace symbol, but instead recreated a cheap Mercedes-Benz logo. Andrea just smiles a blissfully ignorant smile. Bitch.

India Hicks is amazed by Whatisit’s drawing “in only 30 minutes!” Whatisit smiles, and giggles sidelong at them… it does look nice…

…Whatisit’s is called “Out On The Town… With Drag Queens”…

…but come on, stop acting like he recreated the Mona Fuckin’ Lisa! Eddie BaueRoss’s is called “Nesting” and looks like a bunch of silver tea service items. Zzzzz. I woke up when it came to Nasal Natalie’s display called “New Years Eve”…

…something tells me she has one of those “Scrapbook Girl” stickers on the back window of her car…

Kelly Worstler is giving it a clearly disapproving scowl as Natalie explains that it represents “New Year’s Eve” (in case Kelly missed the December page from her pocket-calendar she stuck in there) and then she smiles real fakey at her and says “Great!” I heart you Kelly… it looks cheap and stupid and scrapbooky.

Rabid Robert’s display is called “Basic Needs”, and it’s… a bunch of forks, a pair of pliers and a hole-puncher. Really innovative, Robert…

…should have been called either “Screamingly Anal Retentive” or “All The Stuff I Have Up My Butt”…

Big Daddy Kerry did something called “Paper And Grass”, and it’s kind of interesting…

…looks more like “Twist Ties And Packing Material”…

Twiggy Teresa’s is called “Nature In A Box”. How clever. She also has random debris that got caught up in her pop design. Sloppy-ass-crack! Tranny Jenny called hers “Strong Women” and India loves it (even though she says she’s not getting the “strong women” out of it)…

…the dolls are making me uncomfortable…

SexOndineCity called hers “Monkey Marriage” because she got married in the last six months and their theme was monkeys. I wonder if they picked and ate bugs off each other and threw their own poo. She included two tchotchke-monkeys in it that look evil, but Jonathan thinks they’re cute. And here’s DeSergent, with his awesome rebel ways, he called his “Breaking The Rules”, and it’s seriously just “Random Shit In A Box”…

…well, 45º angles only require one nail, so it’s eco-friendly…

Whatever, dude, you just grabbed peanut butter, beer, a rubber ducky and handcuffs and glued them in boxes. I would have handcuffed the ducky to the outside of the box, smeared the whole thing with peanut butter and doused it in beer foam, letting it run down the wall. That woulda been “Breaking The Rules”!

What is Penis With Ears up to? Well, he decided to call his “Cliché Number 837″ or “Cleanliness Next To Godliness”…

…and the broken glass is still on the floor down below… creative?… or lazy?…

PWE Nathan (and his shiner) explain that it has “a toothbrush, broken glass, and Jesus… and an apple!” Seriously? Over half these people are about as creative as babies drooling on themselves and pooping. I do like the giant razor blade he included, though… Margaret Russell and Jon-Jon aren’t buying it, though, and this scares poor Nathan as he says “Oh gross, this is my first impression to these people, and I’m thinking I’m like this posh designer from Manhattan, and they’re looking at me as like a junkie… from… L.A.!” *sneer* Okay Foreskin-Head, you just crossed over into ToolTown with that little comment. You on da WESS COAS’ now, so you best watch your mouth! Besides, a junkie would have been able to put the razor-blade and the glass to much better use…

Time for judging! Kelly Worstler says her least favorite was Nasal Natalie’s “New Years Eve” as she felt it was “very high school… actually, more middle school!” Totally! Jon-Jon says his least favorite was DeSergent’s “Breaking The Rules” and he says “You can’t break the rules without establishing that you know the rules!” Ooh, good one Jon-Jon! I woulda just said it was ugly. Margaret Russell was disappointed in Twiggy Teresa’s “Nature In A Box” because of all the random debris that wound up in the boxes. Finally, India Hicks calls out Downtown Shazia Brown on her “Green Apples & A Cup That I Couldn’t Get Up On The Wall” crap for being totally unfinished… and barely even started!

But on the good side, Margaret says she loved Eddie BaueRoss’s “Nesting” (she is easily distracted by the shine of sterling silver apparently). Kelly says she really liked Big Daddy Kerry’s “Paper & Grass” because it reminded her of good quality marijuana rolled into a big joint. Okay, no, she just says she liked how he used his materials in a “really cool abstract way”. Kerry grins and I love his smile. Jon-Jon says his favorite was SexOndineCity’s “Monkey Marriage” because he is kind of charmed by kitsch and marriage… and India Hicks chose as her favorite, Whatisit’s “Out On The Town” as she felt it took “nerves of steel” to spend 30 minutes “drawring” (I’m not gonna make fun of India’s pronunciation much, but this word really came out sounding silly).

So, all four of them get immunity! This does not please Silver Spoon Andrea as she points out both of her teammates were on the bottom of the Pop Design challenge, and she herself didn’t win immunity, either. Well, maybe if you knew what a peace symbol actually looked like, you’d have wound up on top Miss Holly Wood! Suck it up, your team is hideous and you’re probably gonna lose the challenge.

And they’re back to working frantically! Trouble immediately erupts on Team GREEN as Silver Spoon Andrea notices DeSergent got the wrong color wallpaper! Heavens, no! She is such a total bitch about it and calls it a huge setback, and says “That. Really. Sucks. We wrote down the wrong color!” And by “we” she means her loser teammates because she wasn’t playing secretary, she was dictating. I know where I’d like to put those 8 rolls of wallpaper…

…not used to dealing with flawed mortals…

And yeah, it does suck, but quitcher bitchin’ and move on! Switching over to Team BLUE, Rabid Robert immediately starts making his anal-retentive list of all the things they need to do, which including having to build lamps because they weren’t able to buy any. I’m not sure why, other people found them, you would have thought this would have been a priority, but I’m guessing Robert conveniently forgot that he promised to tackle that part of things…

…well, you can cross “Annoy J-Mo” off the list for starters…

Prettyboy Preston says he’s gonna start painting canvas for some artwork he’s planning on making, and he’s already frustrated with Rabid Robert’s Rigid Rules and the way he’s wanting everything to run like an architectural or engineering firm instead of three designers getting together and having fun. Well, okay, but it is a challenge, so maybe you should concentrate on that instead of playing “White Party” while you’re painting, huh Prettyboy?

Back over at Team GREEN With Envy, Silver Spoon Andrea is having to wash their filthy cream-and-dirt-colored couch. She takes off all the cushion covers and starts to wash them in the kitchen sink of the loft, leaves the water running and tells Downtown Shazia Brown that she needs to turn the water off in 10 minutes. Shazia gives her an absent-minded “Okay” and goes upstairs to work on cleaning some piece of kitsch off in the bathtub. Silver Spoon Andrea is outside sanding down a coffee table. DeSergent is putting in wood flooring. The sink continues to fill… and fill… and then overflows…

…ohhhhh sheeeeeeeyiiiiiiiiiiit!…

…all over their other fabrics and wallpaper! Downtown Shazia Brown finally remembers and goes running down the stairs with a zillion “OhMiGod!”s and realizes that this is a serious problem, and enlists DeSergent to help her try and spread all their soaked fabric out to dry off, and she says she feels “really crappy about it.” Girl, you may think you feel crappy now, but just wait until AndreaZilla finds out what you did! Silver Spoon freaks out (of course, and I don’t blame her there) and interviews “I’m starting to feel like the project’s gonna be a train wreck!” DingDingDingDingDingDingDingDingDing! We have a winner! She continues “I promised myself that when I came on the show I was not gonna lose my temper… talk about right out of the gate, the first challenge, wanting to wring someone’s neck!” Sounds to me like someone has anger management issues. I may hate her already, but she’s gonna make for some good TV! (J-Mo makes devil-horns on his head)

Checking in with Team ORANGE, they are running out of time and have sooooo much to do! Duh. Tranny Jenny is supposed to be re-covering their sofa, but she’s never done it before, and seems to be just randomly shooting staples into their cover upholstry. Eddie BaueRoss hisses that she needs to “sssssspeed it up a little!” Okay, but maybe if she knew what she was doing she could screw it up faster? The girl is just tryin’ to be careful!

Team BLUE Balls is having more trouble as Rabid Robert apparently has never used a sewing machine and needs to sew pillows and window coverings. He must have never taken Home Ec, because even *I* know how to do that much. He sits down with the Singer manual and starts directly at Page 1, “Welcome To The Wonderful World Of Singer Sewing Machines!” Girl, maybe you could skip all that shit and go right to where it starts telling you how to operate the damn thing. Prettyboy Preston wonders if Rabid Robert is going to get the lamps done that he promised to do… I have a well-defined sense of foreboding…

Well, you can cross “super-smart” off the list of available Prettyboy Preston attributes, because he went ahead and started painting his canvas-art with a base of white paint… and (blaming inferior canvas quality) the white paint seeped all over their concrete floor! Jesus, Preston! It’s called a “drop cloth” and I was always taught (by fear of spanking) that if you were going to paint ANYTHING you had to put one of those down first, for this very reason. Now they have to spend a bunch of time cleaning all this shit up off the floor!

…yeah, well, you’re starting to lose some of your charm there, too, Presto-Roo…

Of course, this makes Rabid Robert complain privately that Prettyboy Preston’s mistake is “throwing them off their time-table” and that they’re gonna have to make it up. True, but I’m curious just how down-to-the-minute he planned their day. It doesn’t matter now, because it’s time to go home, and they all leave, knowing there’s only 4 hours the next day to finish everything off.

The next morning SexOndineCity notices Silver Spoon Andrea has prominently displayed an 8X10 black’n'white glossy of her and the Rickster together. Leaning in closer she says…

…exactly how Andrea plotted this scene…

Now, you and I both know that the sole reason for Andrea even bringing and placing this picture was so that someone could recognize Rick and she could magnanimously compromise her super-secret “star-fucker” status and confirm that, yes, her husband is “that” Rick Schroder, thereby impressing everyone with how sweet and kind and down-to-earth she is for living such an awesome Hollywood lifestyle. Silver Spoon Andrea interviews “Ondine looks over and she’s like ‘Your husband looks so much like Ricky Schroder!’ and I was just like *sarcastic* ‘ha ha ha, that’s so funny!’, and I can’t believe that she could pick him out from the back of his head!”…

…that looks completely natural, not posed at all…

Andrea continues “I wasn’t, like, trying to have, like, this secret that my husband was Rick Schroder… part of the reason that I’m on the show is to identify myself as a separate person and give my name some credibility standing on it’s own!” Oh, bitch, puh-LEEZE! She practically had “Mrs. Rick Schroder” tattooed on her forehead when she came striding in, and it’s about the only thing she ever talks about! If she was really aiming for anonymity, she wouldn’t have ever mentioned it at all, and would have gone by her fucking maiden name of Bernard instead of Schroder. And she would have left the soft-core glossies at home, too. Ugh, she is being such a tampon (i.e. she sucks up everything… attention, energy, blood) let’s move on to some real people, shall we?

Like Team BLUE Balls, for instance. Prettyboy Preston has finished one of his art canvasses with a big sloppy blue diamond, and Rabid Robert jumps in with his opinion about how the second one should be a little more precise. This rankles Prettyboy’s “inner artist” (and his “outer child”) as he says he’s going to be the artist that produces these pieces, and pretty much Rabid Robert can go fuck himself. Big Daddy Kerry is watching it all and says the two of them are giving each other the look “lahk tew chickens in the bawrnyawrd abayowt t’go at it!” Yes, I’m picking up on the sexual tension here, too, and I imagine Big Daddy would love to see Rabid Robert and Prettyboy Preston attacking each other naked and having sweaty violent backscratching sex in a pile of paint and canvas…

…looks like a slightly out-of-breath Big Daddy could second that emotion…

I don’t blame him. I think he’s not the only one imagining this, and maybe it would release some aggravation and tension and they could all work together. Alas, they don’t (cuz there are cameras around) and Rabid Robert goes to work trying to “build” the lamps he promised. It seems like he’s pretty much all thumbs when it comes to also using tools instead of just being a tool, and I don’t think he took Shop in middle-school, either, cuz even a big ‘mo like me knows how to use a cordless drill better than him.

Meanwhile, Team ORANGE Julius is smartly building a dog bed for Jon-Jon’s lovechild Liberacé. Jesus, what a gay dog name! Why not just call it “Anal Probe” and be done with it? And finally here comes Todd Oldman to offer criticism and help… two hours before they have to be done. Yeah, it’s not like they could have used help yesterday on how to quick-dry fabric or clean up spilled paint, it’s best to show up when it’s too late to change anything. *giggle* That’s awesome.

We haven’t seen much of Team RED Rover, but they’ve been working pretty well as a team, and Todd gives them some good advice on how to hang some of their window treatments. He helps Team ORANGE Julius by blowing smoke up their asses about their color choices and the dog bed they’ve made. I notice that Todd has some jacked-up teefs!…

…honey, ain’t you got enough money to get them fangs fixed by now?…

Todd has gone over to talk with Team BLUE Balls and is asking if they’re going to be ready. Prettyboy Preston answers him, but I forget what he’s saying because it looks like Big Daddy Kerry is… well… it’s either cold in there, or he’s just got really big ones, or he’s kind of turned on by being near and working so closely with Prettyboy….

…because his high-beams are on bright, and he’s a-grinnin’…

Trés cute, no? Lastly, Todd visits Team GREEN With Envy and is helping Silver Spoon Andrea work out making an extra body pillow for the bed out of some fug fabric she has left over. She says the whole downstairs is kind of a mess, so she’s pretty much concentrating on the upstairs bedroom. Way to help support your team, there, A-List!

And with 30 minutes left, Rabid Robert admits that he didn’t get the lamps done. Ah well, who needs light inside their loft anyhow, right? As time is called, it looks like DeSergent has placed a mirror by the entry way to their loft… and it’s in a really odd position… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure for some people having a tilted up mirror on the floor by their front door would be a great idea…

…it coulda been really helpful to Britney Spears several months back…

…but something tells me India Hicks is not the kind of girl to go commando. Silver Spoon Andrea questions it, and Downtown Shazia Brown tells her that that’s how DeSergent placed it. Andrea rolls her eyes and sneers “Weird!” Ha! Too late to do anything about it, though, cuz it’s time for judgment!

Starting off with Team ORANGE Julius (whose client was Jon-Jon and the name of their concept was “Chic & Dreamy”) here’s what it looked like…

I’m thinking more “Cheap & Creamy” but that’s just me. Jon-Jon loves the dog bed (with a giant “L” on it) and a big heavy ceramic kitschy lamp in the upstairs bedroom! Looks like a success!

Which brings us to Team BLUE Balls (whose client was Margaret Russell and the name of their concept was “Crisp & Glamorous”) and here’s how the hate came spewing out…

Wow, this stuff is soooooo “Crap & Gluttonous” to me. Margaret seems to like the random iron gates they propped up against the wall. I’d never be able to eat dinner without glancing behind me to see if they were ready to topple over (in earthquake-prone Los Angeles). Kelly Worstler points out that it’s a good thing Maggie has a candelabra, because there are no lamps! Not even in her bedroom (where she likes to read). She better learn Braille if she’s gonna live here, then. The judges all leave and Big Daddy Kerry heaves a sad sigh and gives a gay eye-roll.

Next in line is Team GREEN With Envy (whose client was India Hicks and the name of their concept was “Caribbean Classic”) and here’s the scoop on all the fug…

YES! It’s “Complete Crackhouse”, as India barely gets in the door before noticing the Panty-Check Mirror and says that it worries her. Also, I have no clue what the fuck happened to their sofa, but it is a steaming hot mess!…

…and Miss India says it “frightens” her. Silver Spoon Andrea immediately blames Downtown Shazia Brown for not having put the padding back in the cushions after she cleaned the slip-covers in the sink. Shazia retorts that Andrea told her not to put all of the padding back into them. Andrea says Shazia didn’t put any of the padding in. The judges look bored and move on to the bedroom. When asked if she was “in charge” of the bedroom area, Silver Spoon haughtily says she was in charge of everything, she kept their ship moving. Yeah, right towards some fuckin’ rocks. Shazia interviews that it pissed her off that Andrea made it seem like she did “everything” and the rest of them did jack squat… Yeah, Shazia! She didn’t do everything… you surely helped out by letting all of your fabrics and wallpaper get soaking wet.

Bringing up the rear is Team RED Rover (whose client was Kelly Worstler and the name of their concept was “Form Over Function”) and we’ve barely seen anything that they did…

Damn, no wonder there was no camera time for these people, because they pretty much nailed it! Theirs definitely looks the most finished and most livable out of all four lofts! They put up cool wallpaper, hung interesting geometric art and the bedroom looks like you could flop right down and take a nap while farting between the sheets. That’s how comfortable it appears. Kelly doesn’t say much, but she’s missing her furrowed brow, so I would take that as a good sign. The viewings are over, let’s get to the bitchfights!

Oooh, it looks like instead of those uncomfortable stools the judges get to recline on some fab couches. India acknowledges that this challenge was extremely difficult, but they needed to test their vision, creativity and confidence as designers. Jonathan Adler addresses his Team ORANGE Julius of Tranny Jenny, Eddie BaueRoss and Nasal Natalie… he thought it was really nice, with beautiful colors, and a very dreamy “beachy” feel… although he says there was a “little bit of ‘Golden Girls’, which is something to beware of…” (the designers laugh) but overall it had a nice spirit. Yay for not sucking! And doggie beds!

The other team that they liked was Kelly Worstler’s Team RED Rover of Twiggy Teresa, Penis With Ears Nathan, SexOndineCity and Whatisit! Kelly says they totally listened to her programming and her needs, and Maggie chimes in that they made so many brilliant decorating decisions. India Hicks takes a chance to quote her father David Hicks, who said “Good taste in design is by no means dependent upon money… but it sure helps!” Okay, so he didn’t say that last part, and India congratulates Team RED on having the TOP DESIGN! The Fab Four all jump up and down and scream like girls. The other teams fake-clap for them and look pissed.
India dismisses them along with Team ORANGE Julius and the lucky suckas all skitter out of there on Cloud Design, and celebrate by having alcohol…

…Yay for alcohol!…

Now for the assfucking. Margaret Russell addresses her Team BLUE Balls of Rabid Robert, Prettyboy Preston and Big Daddy Kerry, saying in quite a chilly tone that she was a bit disappointed that she gave some specific color directions that they seemed to ignore, as she points out she said she liked hot pink, and not Dusty Desert Roseâ„¢. Big Daddy very carefully and diplomatically says that the team supported Prettyboy Preston’s choice of couch because they were trying to get something “in the value of pink”. Kelly says she was pleased by the decor in the kitchen and the artwork, but that the bedroom put her “in shock”. Jon-Jon says the bottom line is the space just “didn’t work”.

India zeroes in on Preston and asks him if he felt there was a weak member of the team. I hate it when they pull shit like this, but Preston (to his credit) keeps it on a positive level and insists that everyone worked really hard and that he doesn’t believe they did have a weak team member. Big Daddy eagerly concurs. Then India asks Rabid Robert where he thinks it went wrong… and he goes straight for being a total dickface as he primly says “If we had a weak link it was Preston!” I’d say Prettyboy’s reaction is warranted…

…”Fuck you, Bitter Bobby!”…

Amazingly, Rabid Robert goes on to say “I think his time-management skills were very poor.” and tattles all about the paint-through-the-cheap-canvas-and-onto-the-floor incident and how that set them back. Big Daddy Kerry looks really uncomfortable standing in between the two of them, and oh, is it ever on now! Margaret says she was surprised at the lack of lighting and the unfinished look of everything. Jonathan Adler hands Prettyboy Preston his prime opportunity for rebuttal as he asks “Who do you think was most responsible for that?”, and he doesn’t disappoint as he calmly says “Robert had mentioned that he was gonna buy pieces to put together lamps… we started to put together the lamps, we ran out of time, the lamps were not prepared in time.” To give him credit, you can tell that Preston is uncomfortable saying this, but that ass-munch Robert really left him no choice…

…yeah, it doesn’t feel so good, does it?.. dickhead…

Moving over to India’s Team GREEN With Envy of Silver Spoon Andrea, Downtown Shazia Brown and DeSergent, Ms. Hicks declares that she put forth a quite clear and precise plan, and they didn’t fulfill it. Maggie says the bedroom was the best thing about it, and Jonathan wants to know who was responsible for the jacked-up sofa. Andrea says she chose the sofa, and Shazia says she is responsible for how it looked… once again…

…looks like an orgy was held there…

…and we hear the Confusing Saga of The Uggo Sofa again, and it makes as much sense as it did last time (how did you not notice how fucked up that looks, Shazia?). India asks DeSergent where he was during all of this, and he says he was stuck doing the hardwood flooring. Silver Spoon Andrea jumps in and acknowledges that he worked “his guts out” on the floor, but at the end it took too long and he didn’t look for solutions to make it go faster. DeSergent says “I disagree with that!” Andrea goes on to say she was the sewer, the sander, the measurer, the butcher, the baker, and the one and only Mrs. Rick Schroder… Jonathan wants to know if she was the official team leader, and DeSergent shouts out “UNofficial!” but Shazia says that Andrea knew the style so she let her lead and was happy to assist. When asked who was the weak team member, Shazia and Andrea both say it was Serge…

…”Does anybody remember an overflowing sink full of water??!?”…

Looks like he’s the only one, as his vote goes for Downtown Shazia Brown, but he never stoops to bring that little incident up. So, he worked his butt off, and Shazia fucked up the couch beyond belief, not to mention almost ruining all their textiles, but the two of them are ganging up on him. Sucks to be you, man.

While the Fearsome Foursome discuss how Shazia’s Sofa Saga bored Jonathan into oblivion, Rabid Robert attempts to go for a face-save by announcing to the roomful of designers that “One thing about this competition, is that whatever happens with anybody, you can’t take it personally!” This little nugget of dogshit earns him Death Glaresâ„¢ from Twiggy Teresa, SexOndineCity and Prettyboy Preston (and me here at home, don’t forget). What a fucking piece of work he is! I can’t wait until he gets nailed later on and takes it all personally, I hope someone throws that line back at his pinched ass! Back in the Star Chamber, they’ve narrowed their Choices Of Suck down to Rabid Robert, Prettyboy Preston, Downtown Shazia Brown and DeSergent.

Since Big Daddy Kerry has immunity, he’s dismissed. India also dismisses Silver Spoon Angela, and the smug face she makes upon hearing this dumps gasoline on the fire of my hatred of her…

…”Of course I’m staying! I love you, Rick!”…barf…

And the one leaving is DeSergent, as India tells him they can’t live with his design, and that he’s going home. What? No Jonathan Adler saying “Seeya later, decorater!”??!?!? AWESOME! Thank Gawd, cuz that was the lamest exit line in Bravo History (with the exception of “Date My Ex”s Jo, who says “I’d rather be friends.” and scrunches up her ugly face in that way that she thinks is so adorable). Serge thanks them all and says the experience was “surreal”. I bet, and I guarantee you he’s going to go home and burn his VHS copy of “The Champ” right away!

So that’s it for this super-sized episode! What did you think of the show? Can you believe some of these assholes this time around? I’m hoping that somebody hauls off and smacks Silver Spoon Andrea in the face at some point, she soooooo deserves a good bitchslap! And I’m sure there are more patented brands of bitchery to be seen from Rabid Robert in the weeks to come…

love, J-Mo