Top Design: Mean Gays & Disco-Crystal Addiction

I went to Los Angeles this past weekend, which is why you got such a quick recap out of me on last week’s show (for once) and I met up with Flipit, his friend Tricia, ChickBomb, and MonaMonzano for drinks on Friday night at the semi-famed Abbey, smack-dab in the middle of Boys Town (West Hollywood). Chile, it has been literally ten years since I was last there, the place is still like a big gay zoo (and I felt like the dancing bear… every time I went to go visit the Ladies’ Room I kept getting whopped in the belly by people as I passed through the crowd… it’s my own fault, really, they’re just not used to seeing people with big fat bellies that deep into WeHo). Anyhow, we had such a great time, having a few drinks and yakking all night long about Project Runway and stuff… and at one point Flipit (who was facing me) made this funny eye-brow/head-nod gesture indicating someone was behind me… I turned around to look and OMG, OMG, OMG, I swear to you, here comes Silver Spoon Andrea Fucking Schroder!!!

…”I’d kick your fat ass, J-Mo… if I could muster up the energy.”…

I felt the strength run out of my legs as she walked by and I thanked Jesus, Cher, Janet and Madonna that she has no clue who I am, because if she did, she would likely have beat me in the head with my own beer bottle over all the shit I’ve talked about her. Hey, it happened to Project Runway Season 4 finalist Rami Kashou in that very same bar just a few short months ago, and I may be fat, but I’d like to keep my chubby-cheeked face as free of scar-tissue as possible. It’s not like Andrea doesn’t deserve some of the trash-talk I send her way, and in tonight’s episode of Top Design, you will see exactly why. Oh, and Eddie takes being a giant shitdickface (with extra cockcheese) to a level never before imagined (and I have a good imagination)! Get ready to be disgusted after the jump!We start off this episode hearing Eddie announce that he’s going to wear undies today! *shudder* You mean that nasty little fuck has been running around commando all this time? In those shorts?!?! I’m thinking he must have a peanut and two peas for genitalia, cuz otherwise he’d totally be chafing (believe me, I’m not trying to brag, but I gotta have something to keep my junk in check or I chafe big time… not to mention reining in the occasional random erection that still pops up here and there… Yes, ladies, those still happen to men in post-puberty).

Travelling from zero to bitchc*nt in 10 seconds or less, Eddie BitteRoss is interviewing and fake-congratulates Preston for winning the last challenge… and then says “Whatever, it’s like, not a big deal. I have to say, from the beginning, we kinda never let him play in our reindeer games. Preston has a whole lot of talk, and like, not a lot to back it up!”

…jealous much, Edster??…

Funny, it seems to me like Eddie’s the one running around yapping all the time about how “awes” and “prit” and “gorge” and “delouche” he is, and invoking the Name of the Holy Martha every six seconds. In fact, PrettyBoy Preston really could get away with some personal bragging, because he is a physically beautiful man, but I think so far he’s managed to keep focused on, you know, the design work. How sad that Eddie seems to feel the need to play “reindeer gaymes” just to exclude someone (he’s even found a way to bitch about how Preston loaded their dishwasher at that dump of a loft they live in.) What a tool.

Hey, there’s a knock on their door! The Anonymous Flower Man has left a bouquet for our poor sad Silver Spoon Andrea… from her husband the famous Ricky Schroder! (We hear Eddie PhonyRoss in the background gasping “Andrea, how cuuuuute!” in a high-pitched squeal.) He’s also sent her a love poem, and she starts to get all weepy-eyed… awwwww…

…is she overjoyed? Or does she have cramps?…

Heyyyy, she’s letting Black Eye Nathan read her husband’s love poem?!? I bet the Rickster appreciates that. Good thing he didn’t make it a lovesexy poem or he might be feeling pretty embarrassed right about now…

…”Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a woody with your name on it, too!”…

Acting as if she hasn’t bludgeoned the audience with this for the last 4 episodes, Andrea once again whines about how she misses her family and how hard it is to not be with them every second of their lives.

I’m sorry, but that shit is creepy. My mom also had four kids by the time she was 36, and I have no doubt she loved us, but she would have also sold one of us into the child-labor market in a flash if someone had offered her six weeks away from undies with racing stripes, puked-up lunches and snotty teenage attitudes. The woman is a modern-day saint and she did it all without even a D-lister’s income.

Silver Spoon goes slouching upstairs to show her flowers and her poem to SexOndineCity, who totally disagrees with me and thinks Andrea is just “the sweetest, nicest person in the world” and goes on to say “She’s just got everything going for her… her husband is Ricky Schroder… he was an actor… she seems like she has a really really really happy home life.” Awww, look, there’s our weekly zoom of The Glamour Shot!…

…I’m sure getting banged against the wall of a log cabin qualifies as a “Tranquil Moment”…

I am so shocked that Ondine didn’t wind up taking a flower vase to the head for a.) calling him “Ricky” and b.) using the past tense to describe his career (I listened to it 37 times, and loud… she said “was”!). Nope, instead Ondine insists that she is thrilled to have met her! She looks bitter while she says it, though…

…”Wish I had a guy who could rhyme…” *sigh* …

The five remaining designers walk into the Top Design Studio to see two tables filled with almost all of Jonathan Adler’s collection of lighting, pottery, throw pillows and rugs. First comes India Hicks, followed closely by Jon-Jon himself, who greets them with “Surprise! Pop Desiiiiign!”…

…I think Jonathan Monkeyshines is the only one who feels like this about Pop Design…

Everyone else looks pessed. This time it’s going to be a test of their composition and styling abilities, which forces Eddie BugFuckeRoss to remind us all “This is something that I’m super confident at. I’m the senior style editor for Martha Stewart Living but I’m not just a stylist… it’s about flower-arranging, decorating, gardening… I know how to do that all!” As well as be a giant hairy dickbag, too. I mean, it’s not as if this is the eighth episode of this show or anything, I think there might have been 2 or 3 people who missed the 3 or 4 seconds this season when Eddie wasn’t trumpeting his Martha Stewart creds to the heavens.

Anyhow, they’re all going to start with the same beige sofa, bookshelf, side table and coffee table, and they’ll have 30 minutes to use all of Jonathan’s fabulous accessories to style a mini-living room. India says the winner gets immunity plus a “special prize”… I’m hoping it’s a free shot at Eddie’s knees with a hammer.

They are set free to pillage Jonathan’s stock, and right away Silver Spoon Andrea is whining that accessorizing isn’t her number-one strength. “I’m already feeling the pressure of being an underdog in a Pop Design like this!” Well, I, for one, know she’d be a champion at the Complaint Olympics…

…Aaaaaugh! Not manual labor!!…

Competing with Andrea for the Gold Medal in the Pointless Bitching Relayâ„¢ is Eddie SuperioRoss, who says he feels like he’s doing a Jonathan Adler window… “If I wanted to work at Jonathan Adler’s store… I’d fill out an application!” Keep talking shit like that, Eds, maybe Martha will have mercy on the rest of us and grant that wish.

Time is up, and let’s see how they did! Here is Silver Spoon Andrea’s jazzy-poppin’ effort…

…”Motel 6 Lobby, circa 1974″…

Andrea says that fug-rug is the first thing she saw and tried to build her room around it. India wants to know if turning the bookcase over on it’s side was her original idea, or if she saw someone else doing it. Andrea insists that she was gonna do that anyhow because she just knew she wasn’t going to be any good at accessorizing the bookshelf… jeez, self-pity much? Instead of getting all mushy and reassuring her, Jonathan just says “Thank you.” and they move along to SexOndineCity’s latest attempt…

…”Cosby Sweater Madness”…

Ondine helpfully points out that she went for a black and white and blue all over color-scheme and says her space is “kind of like Op-Art.” Yes, I’d agree, except I’d add a “P” and a “T” to that, because it looks rigid and an exercise in poor taste (just like Pop-Tarts!). However, Jonathan Adler thinks the color-scheme makes sense and just lurves to death the “little pops of orange” she’s got up in there…

…”Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah! Uh-that means ‘I lurve you!’”…

So, how did Eddie IHateAdleRoss do?…

…”Jonartha Stewdler’”…

Right away Eddie moves to alienate Jonathan by taking a backhand swipe at the challenge limitations… “As a designer I find it hard to do, like, ‘one-stop shopping’, like, I like that eclectic feel…” but then he 180′s for some Major Ass-Kissage, “But I love this rug, I mean, it’s soooo awesome, it has, like, a fringe, I mean, I wanna cover an ottoman in this!”

Jonathan ignores all this and says “This was probably a pretty easy challenge for you ‘cuz you’re a stylist.” Oooh, Eddie doesn’t like that and starts sputtering, which totally pesses Jonathan off! “What’s wrong with being called a stylist?” Eddie’s saying that he’s a chef and a decorator and lots of different things. This cuts zero ice with Jon-Jon, “But here’s my thing, it’s like, if you call me a ‘potter’, if you call me a ‘decorator’… (LOL, India Hicks jumps in here with “If I call you ‘short’.”)…if you call me ‘short’… I think that if you’re confident in your talent you should not worry what anybody else calls you!”

This is good advice. Too bad Eddie’s not listening, because he’s still cracking up that India Hicks called Jonathan Adler “short” and wants to add his own joke to the pile… “Would you like to be called an elf?” he laughingly says… here’s Jonathan’s reaction…

…India Hicks’ height-joke: PASS … Eddie Ross’ height-joke: FAIL…

Jon-Jon tries to make his point again, “It’s fine! I’d be like ‘I’m an elf but I can make a pot and decorate!” India tries to defuse the tiff by saying that Eddie’s living-room is “very successful”. Yes, please, let’s go elsewhere… like Black Eye Nathan’s space…

…”Swingin’ Sexties”…

Natey-Boy is horny. He says he imagined “an artist’s space that was very psychedelic and sexual…” Jon-Jon says he gets a “Halston-meets-Austin-Powers” kind of vibe. I’m getting a “Nathan-needs-a-quick-hand-job” kind of vibe… Run away, Jon-Jon, run away… right over to the safe harbor of PrettyBoy Preston’s Place…

…”Fake Model Home Living Room”…

Preston’s saying he’s all about balancing the pillows. India wants to know if this is a “personal space” or if it’s a “showroom”… Preston answers that it could be either. There’s a beat of dead silence, and then India says “Thank you.”

Okay, who’s gonna get loved, and who’s gonna have a chance to whine some more? If you guessed “Silver Spoon Andrea” for the second part of that question, you’d be right! They said her space wasn’t pulled together, and Jon-Jon called her overturned bookcase “haphazard”. But Jooooonnnneeeee, she’s a loving wiiiife and mothurrrrrr-uh! She’s missing the Rickster!! PrettyBoy Preston is also getting hated on, India thinks it looked like a “shop front”. See what you get for using Jonathan Adler accessories, Pres? Wait a minute, that’s all they had to work with!

For some reason they loved Eddie’s space. India gushes, “It doesn’t look like a Jonathan Adler showroom… It looks like… dare I say it?… Eddie Ross!” Is she serious? Jonathan also gives props to Black Eye for his “chic and subversive streaks” and likes how he balanced the two… whoa! I just noticed one of the pots/vases Nathan used is made entirely of boobs…

…that explains the “sexual” vibe… sorta…

SexOndineCity gets compliments on her creating a great “mood” and Jonathan calls it “cazzzzzjhe” (this is more of that wonky DesignerSpeak… short for “casual” I guess… Wond!!). And the winner of this week’s Pop Design is….

SHITASSFUCKSTAINS! It’s Eddie DumpsteRoss!! Dammitall!!! He’s now got immunity so we for sure have to see him next week! Not only that, but he’s gonna get a “special prize”, too! Please, oh, please let it be a gift card to Jonathan Adler’s store!

Of course, Eddie handles this win with grace and humility as he interviews “I don’t want to sit here and sound like an asshole, but… I don’t need immunity! I’m not gonna say I know everything there is to know… but… come on!”

…Move over Mother Teresa, you’ve got competition…

I really can’t even write much more to express how much I hate this pissy little fuckwad… but I’ll try. He simply embodies (to me, anyhow) every single hateful stereotype of the typical bitchy well-to-do queen. I don’t begrudge people their successes, and yes, working that closely with Martha Stewart is quite a success, but it doesn’t make him a better human being than the rest of us who aren’t at the same level of fabulosity (in his eyes) and who don’t necessarily have the cash outlay to zshoozsh around in the elite upper stratosphere of the Design World… Oh well, no matter how much hatred I’m feeling right now, it looks like someone else is feeling much more…

…that’s okay, Pres… my BF wants you to know he will comfort you…

Now they are off to take a field trip! Turns out they are headed over to L.A. Mart, which is apparently a very high-end design store not open to the public, but strictly to interior designers. Ooh la la! However, Silver Spoon Andrea says that she realizes The Rickster is just across the street filming a movie (I didn’t know PAX network even filmed anything in the wicked L.A. basin!) and she just misses him soooo much and it’s twisting the knife deeper into her heart that she can’t run over and have a nooner with him in his trailer. Zzzzzzzz.

We see India Hicks standing in front of five gorgeously beautiful chandeliers from the Swarovski Crystal Collection… and they really are breathtaking. My drag-queen friends who do dressmaking complain all the time about how long it takes them to get their orders for Swarovski crystals filled, because everybody wants them, and these chandeliers are just incredible. Their challenge is going to be to design a room around a chandelier (apparently, cats are a no-no, but chandeliers are a go-go)….

…I would kill for a disco-pear in my living room!…

It turns out that Eddie’s “special prize” is going to be that he gets to pick the order in which they will all choose their chandeliers. Evil! He, of course, starts laughing like a lunatic and saying “Ohhhh guys!” like he’s just so sorry that he’s in this position, but you know deep down he’s loving it… well, not even deep down, prolly right under the surface.

India asks him who will select first. “Well… I think… that would have to be me!” he dickfacedly giggles. He chooses the long amber-colored one, which is called the “Golden Teak Glitterbox” and it retails for $41,500.00. Fuck me ’til I cry. Now India asks him for the order of the remaining designers. “Ummmm… Andrea, Preston… no, no, no, Andrea, Nathan, Ondine, Preston!” Talk about a shitdick move! You can’t tell me that Eddie didn’t immediately know that he was going to put Preston last, he just wanted to fuck with him (since there ain’t a ho’s chance in heaven that he could ever do the real thing)…

…someone is getting their petty misplaced revenge for all those times they got chosen last for kickball teams…

PrettyBoy Preston actually handles it pretty well, other than his wounded “I knew this would happen” smile. I never thought I would feel bad for a pretty WeHo queen, but he’s really getting ridiculously nasty treatment this episode! Eddie further clarifies and justifies his dickish move, “Honestly, Preston and I will not be friends after I leave this show, so… a gay’s gotta do what a gay’s gotta do.” What is that, exactly? Be a raving snobby sphinctermouth buttwad shitdickface assmunch? I’m guessing Preston’s gonna be okay with not talking to Eddie either after this show is over with.

Anyhow, Silver Spoon Andrea chooses the emerald column, which is called the “Light Peridot Glitterbox” (actual retail price of $49.500.00!). Black Eye Nathan goes for the clear crystalline asymmetrical one, which is called the “Ice Branch” (bargain priced at $11,500.00!). Ondine goes for the weird “fishnet” looking one, and India corrects her that this is the “Light Sock” (an absolute steal at $4,900.00!) and I must say I love the classy name. I wonder if you can get a matching “Light Jock” as well. PrettyBoy Preston has been left with the disco pear, which is actually called the “Sparkle Shady” (at least it ain’t the cheapest one, it’s $6,500.00).

Poor Preston’s face just falls as he finds out he got stuck with this bulbous-looking glitter-hemorrhoid. “Are you happy?” asks India, knowing full well he ain’t. He admits, “It’ll be one of the most difficult ones to work with, I think…” I disagree, I think Ondine’s “Light Laundry Basket” is waaaaay worse. Well, they’ve got 2 hours to paint when they get back to the studio, 2 hours to shop at L.A. Mart, 7 hours to complete the rooms the following day, and their budget for this challenge is $22,000.00!

Everyone starts their painting, and Eddie PukeRoss chose a “sassy green and some kind of, like, mocha color” because he wants to do a “young, hip & cool dining room”. He’s painting away and yapping out loud, “Oooh, I love my pea-soup color… it’s very Exorcist!”…

…where is Max Von Sydow to get rid of this little demonic shitball when we need him?…

Meanwhile, Black Eye Nathan has spotted some weird shadows on his wall that are coming through the Ice Branch, so he’s taping off strange geometrical areas to paint. He’s envisioning his room as belonging to a bratty little rich bitch…

…who is also apparently blind…

SexOndineCity is going to do an “eclectic bedroom” with things from all around the world adorning it. She’s going with her normal depressed blue-grey color. Speaking of depressed, Silver Spoon Andrea has chosen a deep dogshit brown, which she envisions as being “Hollywood Glam”. I guess that could fit, if you think “Glam = Anal Explosions”.

Checking in with our PrettyBoy Preston, he says he’s thinking about doing a masculine designed cocktail lounge in a boutique-style hotel. What is it with him and hotels? He’s painted black on the outer ends of his walls, and left a large white space in the middle, which allowed him to actually finish painting early.

With only 20 minutes left, Black Eye Nathan is frantically trying to finish his psychedelic acid-trip wall, he’s feeling the time-crunch and wonders if maybe he didn’t take on too much. Since Preston has finished early, he offers to help Nate finish. Awwww, how sweet of him! However, Natey-Boy tells him no, not to worry. Huh? Nathan explains, “Preston loves to come by my room and give me comments and offers to help me. I was like, ‘No way!’ I’m a bit of a perfectionist, and I wanna do it right!” Um, fair enough, I guess…

However, when Eddie comes by and offers to help, Nathan immediately agrees and puts him to work painting in the last couple of his stupid shapey-thingies. Black Eye says it’s because Eddie is fast and “easy to trust”. WTF? This is the really irritating thing about Nathan, every single time I get to the point where I’m liking him, he turns around and pulls a Mean Gays move like this…

…I guess Anastasia and Drizella feel better ’bout being ugly stepsisters when they can exclude CinderFella…

This kind of bullshit isn’t lost on Preston, who says “I’m very aware of the people I’m surrounded by, so I pay attention to how they act, and until I get comfortable around people I don’t really let a lot of my personality out, so I think maybe that’s why they don’t like me.” Oh Pres, it’s nothing so complicated as that… you’ve got the face and the bod that put those two uggos to shame, so they’re hating on you because it makes them feel better about having pasty eye-bags and teensy genitals. Nothing more. Well, at least Silver Spoon Andrea was nice enough to let him help her finish up spreading poo all over her walls.

It’s the next day and they’ve all headed back over to L.A. Mart, which is an entire building, so apparently it’s a pretty massive set of choices for them to blow the remaining $20,000.00 of their budget money on. Nathan has found a giant ugly wooden horse ($2,750.00!) and says he wishes he were this rich bratty girl. (Well, he’s got the “bratty girl” part down…)

Silver Spoon Andrea is blowing $11,985.00 on a cream-colored sofa for her Hollywood Vintage Glam room, which makes sense, cuz cream does go well with poo-brown. Poor Eddie SchnauseRoss is trotting all over the store and whining “Ugh, why is it so hard to find a good dining room table!” Gosh, I can totally feel his pain, I’m sure this building full of exclusive merchandise only open by private appointment is going to be filled with the rankest crap ever. It’s too bad he couldn’t find some of Mar-

…I dunno about you, Gasmii, but I’ve come to hate this brand…

Eddie sees The Holy Martha (design maven and ex-con) and squeals “Ohhhh, home away from home!” and immediately runs in and orgasms everywhere. Ew. Of course, he must make sure to tell the sales staff of his direct descendancy from La Martha herself. They look rather nonplussed. He’s just having a full-on Martha Martha Martha attack now and brags, “When I’m flying on her plane to go up to her house in Maine to produce stories? Like, holy shit! Who gets to say ‘I’ve flown in Martha Stewart’s plane.’?”

Well, Martha for one. Also, nice carbon footprint there, asshole. I thought Martha was more environmentally conscious than that. I can see why she might feel the need for a private jet, but it’s not like Eddie’s a true celebrity. Put him on Southwest or JetBlue next time, Mar! Anyhow, the interesting thing about all the Martha-ey stuff that he’s picking is that it looks like he tossed out that whole “young, hip & cool dining room” thing, and it’s back to Grandmother’s House we go!

Back at the room spaces, Eddie admits that since he found the Martha Stewart furniture he’s now going to do something much more traditional, and he’s going to “style the hell out of it!” Ugh, honey, hell for me is yet another dusty, creaky, old-fashioned Eddie Ross room. He’s boasting about his fab plans to Nathan and Andrea, “I don’t know where I come up with it… I think it’s just a gift from God!”…

…please, please, please let that be some of that lead-based paint from China…

Here’s Todd Oldma’am back for his 2-minutes of consultation, and the only funny thing he says is when Andrea asks him what he thinks of her area rug and he says “I don’t hate it.”, and suggests that she move her couch over a good chunk of it. Eddie, on the other hand, seems to feel like I do, that Todd’s advice is a waste of time. “I don’t need somebody to be, like, ‘Oh, it looks good.’… I mean, it’s my job to know when something looks good.” Wow, not only is he better than Jonathan Adler, but he’s better than Todd Oldham, too! Yay for overweaning egos! And Todd is out at a minute-twelve tonight.

PrettyBoy Preston says that now that his room is coming together, he’s a lot more excited about his disco-pear than he was when he first got stuck with it. Eddie he deigned to grace Pres with his fabulous presence and says unconvincingly, “It looks really good.” and then gives this smirky little look straight to the camera…

…”See, America? J-Mo isn’t kidding! I really am a giant ass-wad!”…

Right in front of Preston, too. Man, am I hoping for him to crash and burn on this challenge! Time is up, and along with Jon-Jon and Margaret Russell, today’s guest judge (damn, no Kelly Worstler in costume!) is none other than Jonathan Adler’s husband (I had no fucking clue!) Simon Doonan, the creative director of Barney’s in New York. You’ve mostly likely seen him giving hysterical sound bites on VH1′s “I Love The 70′s, 80′s, 90′s, etc.” I love him, and think he is a fabulous choice to stand in for Her Worstleriness today…

…give ‘em hell, girlfriend!…

First up today is Silver Spoon Andrea and her concept entitled “Hollywod Glamour”…

…Ugh, green + brown = Montezuma’s Revenge…

…and from this angle it looks like “70′s Porno Pad”…

I don’t have a clue why she chose to put that pretty emerald green chandelier against a brown and a non-matching green wall! Still, the “Light Peridot Glitterbox” is softly pulsating and it almost makes up for all her wrong-ass choices. Simon immediately wants to know what time-period Andrea is shooting for. She says “It’s more 50′s, 60′s, 70′s, I would say…” Nice try in attempting to cover the entire century, there, Andrea, but Simon says her coffee table “screams 80′s”. India asks Margaret if she feels like she’s sitting in a Hollywood starlet’s home. Margaret takes waaay too long to answer, but eventually says “It does feel very glam.”

Next they come to SexOndineCity and her “World Traveler’s Bedroom”…

…good thing she has a “Light Sock” to tie it all together…

…but to me it looks more like a pretty crystal piñata…

It’s hard to believe that she bought all that stuff at the exclusive L.A. Mart when it looks like it all came straight out of Cost Plus World Market. Jon-Jon wants to know if this styling is reflective of Ondine herself, and she agrees because she’s travelled a lot. Margaret wants to know if the “Light Testicle” was her first choice of chandelier, and Ondine says no, but she insists she loves it because it is so unusual, “It’s like, a little gem!” That’s why they’re called “family jewels”, hon. There’s a lot of silence as the judges stare at the zillions of things she’s got in there that are clearly overpowering the presence of The Sac’O'Crystals. Not a good sign.

Time to see how PrettyBoy Preston did making “The Real Sparkle Shady” work for him in his “Cocktail Lounge”…

…I wonder what flavor gumdrop that thing would be…

…it seems to get lost against the wallpaper from this angle…

I actually quite like his room, it seems cleaner and much more sleek than any of the others. Simon kind of read my mind, though, when he says he wonders why Pres didn’t use the wallpaper to occupy the opposite spaces from where it is now (thus making Ol’ Disco Pear stand out more). Instead of getting pissy and defensive like some others would (*cough*Eddie*cough*) PrettyBoy calmly explains that he doesn’t think wallpapering just the corner of a room makes much sense. Simon gives him a good-natured “Good point, darling!” Preston goes on to say he wanted to use the wallpapered sections to frame his furniture, which seems to have been successful.

Ugh, I guess we’re forced to look at Eddie HighPoweRoss’ “Traditional Dining Room”…

…Eddie’s only rates a single picture, because there really is no better angle to look at this mess from…

Eddie himself says the “concept” is just a modern light-fixture dumped into a traditional (a.k.a. “old fashioned”) space. He pictures it as a “young, fun, wealthy couple’s dining room” and he insists that the room isn’t crazy-busy so you don’t know where to look, the chandelier is the focal point. Really? There’s a chandelier in there? All I see are demon-puke and leaves surrounding my grandmother’s dinner table.

India quickly points out to the judges that Eddie has immunity. “Oh… I forgot.” Eddie says with a huge helping of false modesty. “You didn’t forget!” says Simon. “Yes, I don’t even think about that!” replies Eddie with a shit-eating smirk. Simon does not look convinced, and shoots a meaningful glance at his husband Jon-Jon…

…”I see what you meant about the little bastard, darling!”…

Jonathan, who is probably still pissed off about the “elf” comment from the day before jumps into the fray, saying “Why? Do you think you would just automatically get through?” Eddie starts sputtering “Well, yeah… I don’t…. you know.” Dead silence, and another meaningful glance from Simon to the others. India breaks the awkward pause by noting that she’s never seen a sofa drawn up to a dining table like that, and she finds that strange. I’ve seen it before. Some of my friends whose apartments are so small they won’t allow for a couch and dining room chairs are forced to do that.

“As a freakishly undersized person, I’m dying to get behind there and see if it actually works!” exclaims Simon. Eddie barely hears this, because he is totally pessed now! “India was so surprised to see a sofa at a dining room table! It’s like, where the hell has she been??!?” Too busy being related to The Royal Family, I suspect.

India’s not done, though! “Eddie, for a moment pretend that you didn’t have immunity. This room, is it a winning room for you?” He replies “I’m very happy with it.” Jon-Jon wants to know “And this is you.” Eddie comes back with “It is me, but it’s about the chandelier!” Oh yeah, and for the very first time the judges actually remember that there’s a $40,000.00 chandelier hanging above the table. “Any regrets, Eddie?” asks Simon with a knowing smirk (LOVE him!) and Eddie falters for a moment, but then says nope.

Last up today is Black Eye Nathan and his imaginary rich-bitch’s “Bratty Bedroom”…

…heyyyy, he and Preston have the same Sundial Security Mirror!…

…is there even a chandelier in this room?…

At least Nathan admits he ripped off was inspired by Keith Haring on his GeoMetriWall. Imagine that bizarre wooden horse next to your bed late at night. *shudder* “You are bananas!” says Jon-Jon. “Yes, but it’s fun!” insists India. Simon wants to know, “Was it acid, or crystal meth that you took before you did this room?” Natey-boy giggles quietly and says “It was more acid.” I wouldn’t put it past him, you don’t get eye-bags like his at 30 without putting in the party-mileage.

India wants to know if the chandelier really is the focal point of the room (besides the faux-fur on the bed and the wooden horse, there’s a candy orange and green chess set directly underneath the Ice Branch) and Nathan believes that it “speaks poetically” and that it’s “a piece of floating sculpture”. Nathan can bullshit with the best of them, but seriously, that chandelier is so beautiful…

…*sigh*…if I just had an extra $11,500.00 laying around…

Nathan blathers on and on about his room and about the bratty princess who lives there. “I’m kind of jealous of her!” he giggles. Simon goes in for the sarcastic zing, “A bratty princess who loves chess! She’s a city of contrasts, this bratty princess!” Nathan just smiles and nods, not fully getting the joke. His acid hasn’t worn off yet.

Judging time! Starting off with Margaret, she asks Eddie to describe his chandelier for them. “Well, you know, it was a…. long… rectangular… chandelier… that sparkled like a disco ball.” he sneers. Margaret is not amused, “You’re speaking about the chandelier in a rather disparaging manner.” Oh ho, nobody talks shit about Swarovski around Margaret Russell! Jonathan jumps on the dogpile and says “That chandelier is twinkling, glamorous and expensive… and in your room it just looked like a casket. It was really bad.”

I have to admit I was scaring the shit out of my kitties as I jumped up and down and screamed “YES! YES! YESSSSS!” while this was going on. Someone else was also enjoying the dressing-down…

…*sigh*…someone’s feeling vindicated…

Eddie just keeps on smirking, “Well, you know, everybody has their right to your own opinion, and I know a lot of people that would really like that room.” and by “a lot” I’m sure he means just one… You could just see he was dying to invoke the Holy Name of Martha on their asses. Now Margaret has had enough, “Actually it looked like a cheesy light-fixture from the corner lighting store, and I’m appalled that you were able to do that to a Swarovski light-fixture! I really felt you just phoned it in this week!”

…”You can’t talk to me like that! I’m total besties with Martha Stewart!”…

Jonathan delivers the coup-de-grace, “You’re very lucky you have immunity this week.” ‘Nuff said!

Moving on the Black Eye Nathan, they thought his room had a great mood, it was completely bizarre, and he saved it from being a disaster by creating such a great “feeling”. I have no clue why they liked that jumble of nightmarish elements, but there you go.

Not so successful was SexOndineCity (again!) Jonathan thought the furniture she chose was frumpier than he expected, and catch Margaret’s face when Jon-Jon says some of her choices “looked very Bombay Company”…

…”Oooooh, gurrrl, no he DI-ent!”…

Maggie calls her out on using the dark grasscloth wall-covering for the 63rd time in a row. Ondine says she wanted the light to stand out more. Margaret avers, “Light fixtures don’t have to go against a dark wall to stand out.” Ondine looks like she’d have the better part of Margaret’s face under her fingernails if they weren’t being filmed. Simon says “Here is a very shrill ball of light, and everything kind of looks almost tea-stained and slightly melancholy around it.” LOL, at first I thought he said “pee-stained”. I think that works just as well, too…

It’s PrettyBoy Preston’s turn! They call his room a little quirky, but in a good way. They loved his orange chairs and the wallpaper pattern. Simon goes so far as to tell Pres “Your room was glamorous and fabulous and luxurious… and I didn’t want to leave it!” Jonathan heaps even more praise on him, and now Eddie’s face is the priceless artifact…

…”But… but… but I’m the one who works for Martha Stewwwarrrrt-uh!”…

Last up is Silver Spoon Andrea. Margaret tells her they appreciated her using bolder colors this time around, and that her “Hollywood Glam” look was a good goal, but it fell apart in the details, especially the horrifying plastic shell with the fake orchids in it on her coffee table, which managed to outdo the pulsations of the Light Peridot Glitterbox and become the focal point of her room. Ouch!

Andrea starts getting quavery-voiced, saying that she really tried super haaard, and she feels like she’s “maxed out” her ideas, and feels intimidated by the other contestants, and wah wah wah. Margaret’s no-bullshit response is classic: “You need to just snap out of it… get over yourself!” HA! Amen, Margaret, I’ve been saying that same damn thing for eight weeks now!

…FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION…

Oh, but she’s not done, and she’s not about to get over herself just yet, as Andrea starts the full-on waterworks and basically says that because she had kids so early, she had to set aside her own dream of becoming a designer, and now she’s trying to live two dreams… Hear that, kids? It’s your fault that Mommy didn’t get to become the fab designer she always knew she could be…. “And, I guess, I’d actually probably like to go home.”

Shocked looks on the judges faces. Irritated look on mine. She’s been complaining like this for 3 or 4 weeks now. I’m betting that Natalie, Wisit, Teresa and Shazia would have preferred she give up her spot to one of them if she didn’t want to be there, instead of them having to get sent home. The judges dismiss them to discuss…

Jonathan says of Andrea’s half-hearted request, “When she said ‘I think I want to go home.’ at that moment I’m like, ‘Bye!’” Simon chimes in “I agree, there’s something not quite right about that.” Jon-Jon further elucidates “It’s disrespectful to the other people who have worked really hard-” India cuts him off with “Yes, except it was just raw emotion, it was just coming out, I don’t think any of it was pre-concieved ((**except you haven’t seen the weeks of interviews like we have, India**)) every week she’s in the bottom, and it must be demoralizing! It doesn’t feel to her like she’s managed to get here, it just feels that she is just scraping her way to the middle!”

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard so much out of India at once (that was non-scripted, anyhow). Of course, Margaret Russell comes right back with “Ondine has been scraping her way to the middle as well, and I think she really wants to stay here and really wants to work hard. It’s a sacrifice for everyone to be here, and it’s important to their careers!” Jon-Jon finishes off with “And she’s got to learn that.”

After discussing everyone’s rooms again (Andrea: hate, Eddie: hate, Ondine: hate, Nathan: love, Preston: love) they bring everyone back in. Tonight’s winner of the Top Design is… PrettyBoy Preston!!!

…”Suck it, bitches!”…

Yay for Preston… even after Nathan just got done interviewing that he thought HE was going to win this challenge, it’s all the more sweeter that those two evil bitches lost out, and Preston made it all work with the chandelier that nobody wanted! Yes! Since Nathan was highly-rated, and Eddie had immunity (to his own suckage) they are dismissed.

Eddie can’t resist a parting shot as he says “I’m just over the judges and all of their little comments. I take things from them with a grain of salt. I mean, my room was beautiful!”

…yeah, here’s what they really thought of your room…

It’s down to Silver Spoon Andrea and SexOndineCity now. Jonathan reiterates that the challenge was to showcase the beautiful Swarovski chandelier, and based on that criteria… Andrea had the more successful room! I think strictly because she had the better lamp. Anyhow, normally this would mean that Ondine would be going home. However, since Andrea went ahead and tossed that whole “I want to go home.” thing out there, they are going to force her to decide if she’s going to remain true to that and leave (thereby sparing Ondine)… or if she’s going recant and send Ondine home (thereby becoming the Biggest Bitch In The Southwest).

No tears now, just panic as Andrea says “I wanna do both! I really miss my family, but in the scheme of things it’s a really short amount of time…it’s so hard, this process, you know? I feel I could do great in the next challenge if I could have like a moment with my family, but if that’s not an option, um… I don’t know!” Throughout all of this waffling speech poor Ondine is beseeching Andrea with her eyes to do the right thing and allow her to continue. “I don’t know what to say!!… Oh gosh…” And we cut to commercial…

When we return, India attempts to force the issue. “Do you really want to go home?” she asks. Andrea hesitates some more and actually asks “What do you think, Ondine?” Yeah, like Ondine is really gonna say “Oh, it’s okay, go ahead and send me home!”…

…”Quit fucking with me, bitch, and make up your goddamned mind!”…

“I guess I’ll have to say that…. I want to go home.” she finally finishes. Yes! FINALLY! Get thee behind me, Andrea! She’s excited to go see the Rickster (of course, who wouldn’t be?) and her children who have now denied her her dream for the second time (watch for Passive-Aggressive behavior coming to a home near you, kids!). She says she’s totally okay with the decision and thinks she has proven herself as a designer. Proven herself as cracking under pressure is how I’d look at it, but that’s just me.

Okay, so the possibility exists that that may not have been her that Flipit and I saw last Friday night at the Abbey, but the woman looked just like her, even down to the dead, dead expression on her face, and even though I’m sure she’s a dedicated mother and a regimented wife, she might still need to get away for a night on the town with her gays. It could happen.

There we go! What did you think of this episode? Is Eddie un-fucking-real, or what? Do you agree with him and Nathan ganging up and bullying on Preston? Do you think it’s straight (gay) up jealousy? Do you hope (like I do) that Preston tases one of them before the show ends? Let me know!

Be back next week with an all new show!

love, J-Mo