Top Design: Finale – Sex In The Black-Eyed PrettyBoy City

Hello everybody! I am soooo super-apologizing for the lateness of this recap, I was in Las Vegas this weekend with my sister and my “little” brother as we celebrated his 30th birthday (and by “celebrated” I mean “got intoxicated” and “ate insanely expensive meals” and “played our favorite people-watching game ‘Real Prostitute Or Just Super-Slutty Dresser?’”). I came home feeling like I had been reincarnated as a taxicab floor-mat, so I’ve been trying to recover a little and get back into the world of semi-tasteful design as opposed to some of the glitz-o-rama sparkle I was subjected to this weekend…

…not that Las Vegas isn’t right up my alley as far as “taste” goes…

So here we gather, for one last time this season, to watch our three remaining taste-mavens duke (errr, slapfight & bitch) it out to see who has the Top Design. Oh yeah, and we’re still stuck with Eddie VampiRoss in this last episode, so does everybody have their Egotistical Assclown Immunity Booster Shots? Trust, you’re gonna need it after the jump…What a strange and bitchy journey it has been these past ten weeks, no? We’ve watched our poor hapless designers as they were forced to furnish and design a loft with no money, turn a depressing concrete tomb into merely a sad dorm room, screw up a Project Runway window display, gay up some straight-boys’ bachelor pads, compete in a “design tricrapthlon”, pretend to be all “green and eco-friendly”, envision the horrifying rooms of the future, play with glittery testicles and disco pears, and finally it’s come down to this: transforming a pedestrian condo into a place where Kelly Worstler could walk in dressed like this and not look out of place…

…Yo-De-Lay-Hee-Hoooo!…

Somewhere, Heidi the Swiss Miss is weeping at the sight of her hairstyle being co-opted by Ol’ Chicken-Legs here (and she can’t even dry her eyes, either, because her box of Kleenex is mysteriously empty, too!).

One thing I will never get tired of seeing is the elimination of the Giant Wad of Constipation that is Eddie PoopeRoss. Now we’re down to our Final Three, Prettyboy Preston, SexOndineCity and Black Eye Nathan, and one of them will be skipping home with a cool tenth of a mill, a spread in “Elle DECKor magazine” (as India Hicks calls it) and the “right to say they have the Top Design!” Can you actually get laid off of that bit of bragging, I wonder?…

…With hotness like this? Perhaps not…

As day breaks in the dumpy Union Lofts, Nathan is getting ready for the last challenge…

…by practicing his bulimia skills…

Seems like the scare of almost being sent home has re-energized Natey-boy into some new-found confidence in his design skills. This probably means he’s going to do something super-wacky and avant-garde in the rest of his house, like jazzing things up with giant purple dildoes or dirty origami.

Seeing Nathan’s pasty-white corpse-like body made me feel a little vomit-y, but luckily we were handed an instant shot of Visual Dramamineâ„¢ with Prettyboy Preston’s tanned and toned torso…

…Looking for Mr. Morningwood, perhaps?…

Pres is going on (again) about how he’s had to work so hard because it was so rough growing up losing people to addictions, and I don’t mean to sound unfeeling or like I don’t care, but I feel like we get it already, Preston… you’re more than just a pretty face with the body of a young god… you feel things deeply. You’re a deeply feeling person who has been through some hard times in your life. Quit beating us over the head with it and take off your… Holy CHRIST, did you see Preston’s childhood glamour shot???…

…I take it back…

Wow, and I thought I had some supergay photos of me as a child! (There is one that my mother keeps as a piece of perpetual blackmail, I’m standing in the kitchen in a glamour pose, one hand on my hip, the other behind my head, my long luxurious blonde hair cascading down my shoulders… shit like that will seriously fuck you up, so I guess I gotta give Prettyboy a Depression Passâ„¢)

Their plan for the day is to go shopping at a zillion different stores and blow the remaining $60K they’ve got in the budget for the rest of the house. You can almost feel the excitement in the air as they embark on this joyful errand…

…crackling with verve and electricity…

SexOndineCity is super-proud of the fact that she’s in the final three and is cheerfully deluding herself that it’s because of all of her hard work and awesome designing skills that she’s made it to this point, conveniently forgetting the fact that she really got eliminated two weeks ago, and that she’s broken more glass and furniture, had more in-store tantrums and dropped more black varnish in the direction of Eddie’s futuristic Cloning Center than all the other designers combined… the fact is, she’s like the Suzette Charles to Vanessa Williams’ Miss America reign, in by the skin of her teeth due to a stroke of bad timing. Google or Wikipedia the name if it doesn’t ring a bell. I’ll wait.

Anyhow, she says she got her start in design by cake-decorating and designing her own clothes, and I’m guessing the she and Madonna must have been BFFs at some point because one of her “original” outfits is clearly based upon the “Lucky Star” look…

…Madonna versus…

…Ondonna?…

Wow, Ondine was a pretty girl back then! Is that what working for Sarah Jessica Parker & Co, does to you? Sheesh, I don’t wanna pick (much) but I think it’s time for some moisturizer and possibly some Hormone Replacement Therapy, girl!

They start off their allotted 8 hours of shopping at Astek Wallcoverings to pick out (duh) their wallpaper, then rush off to La Brea Avenue in Los Angeles to visit all the fabulous furniture shoppes, such as Landon Cole, Novecento, and even the infamous Craig Olsen (site of Eddie SnobbyRoss’ and the Broken Snot-Green Vase Incidentâ„¢) eventually hitting a place called “Nadeau” (whose tagline is “furniture with a soul” which makes me think that my furniture must have done some very bad things in it’s previous life for it to wind up in the Purgatory that is my house…)

Well, speaking of tortured souls, Black Eye Nathan’s big find at Nadeau is a giant blocky chest that he says reminds him of “a sssssarcophagusssssssss” (if I put in all the s’s he actually used, the framing on this recap would be soooo fucked up). Nathan thinks this is a perfect item because the concept of his house is “hip, young, good-looking…”

…and death-obsessed?…

Whatever. Only Nathan understands Nathan, I guess. This is probably one of those “surprises” that Jonathan Adler was talking about, right? Next stop is R&D Imports, where Nathan spots a big dark wooden couch-frame (?) that he lisps “Ooooh, I love thissss, it’ssss sssso Presssston!”…

…hundred bucks says Nathan’s secret fantasy is to be banged by Preston while bent over it…

Sure enough, there’s a tag with a “P” on it! I don’t know if Nathan’s trying to say it’s an ugly piece of furniture and that Pres is a shitty designer for choosing it, but I really don’t think he’s got much room to talk considering he just bought a big Box’O'Pharoah to furnish his place with. I’m also not sure if Nathan’s got a piece of kale caught between his teeth and that it’s vibration is causing him to abuse his sibilants all of a sudden, but it’s really distracting.

Preston is blissfully unaware of the cattinessss that is Black Eye’s new trick (that he likely picked up from the vanquished evil sprite that was Eddie TinkeRossBell) and maintains that he’s going to stick with his whole “sleek and modern with a traditional twist” concept.

SexOndineCity’s concept, on the other hand, is going to be “Danish modern chic” and she somehow believes she will achieve this by mixing modern pieces with Indonesian furniture. But of course! Why not throw in a hammock or two while you’re at it?

After their exhausting day of shopping, it’s morning again and they’ve headed back over to Los Condos Genericos where they are confronted by a militaristic-looking India Hicks…

..♪.sheee is a ♪ paaart of ♪ De-siiign-er Na-tion!.♪..

India’s here to let them in on the good news that overnight their houses have been painted and wallpapered, and that they’ll have the use of two carpenters and a seamstress (relief is evident on SexOndineCity’s face, cuz you know she can’t sew for shit)… but even with all that help, she thinks they could use a bit more support… and out of the nearest condo come walking…

…the three latest loozahs…

Yes, the last three eliminated designers (Silver Spoon Andrea, Nasal Natalie and Eddie GonorRhoss) have been brought back to be forced to help somebody else win that buttload of cash. While Ondine and Nathan are visibly excited and shrieking with delight, Preston’s doing his best to maintain a smile…

…awwww, sheeeeeeyiiiiit!…

Miz Hicks says thes three are here to help them with “anything and everything… so you put them to work!” Eddie immediately contradicts her by asserting “We’re not your assistants. We’re here for moral support.”

Yes, it wouldn’t be Top Design without an Asshole Momentâ„¢ from the Edster, who is pretty damned bitter… “I just got kicked off the show and I’d really like to slit my wrists right now…”

…yeah, yeah, yeah, quit being a big tease, Eddie!…

That’s funny, I thought he couldn’t give two yanks on a limp dick for Top Design, and he certainly didn’t have to agree to return, and I’m sure La’Martha is waiting with baited breath for him to return to her empire and launch his own brand and all, so why the scrunchy bitter blowjobface, Eddie? Apparently the Bravo producers must have held a gun to his head, because he says he wishes he was on a beach right now. Riiiiiiight.

If I could take a moment, I personally think these were bad choices on the producers’ part. Haven’t we had enough of Eddie being a smarmy snotface and hopping about nipping ankles like a bad-tempered Pomeranian? Wasn’t Andrea’s very soul being murdered by the crushing separation from her precious family (and her poetic hubby, the Rickster)? Isn’t Natalie considered by the judges to be too tasteless and stupid to be of any help to anyone?

If I had had my choice, I would have said they should have brought back more wildcards, such as Whatisit (infinitely more interesting in his Xanaxy weirdness and certainly deserving of more face-time), and Big Daddy Ker-Bear (whose elimination I still feel was totally unfair) and how about giving that poor first-booted designer DeSergent another shot to place objects at weird angles?…

…remember the Britney Panty-Check Mirrorâ„¢?…

Nope, instead we get the walking, talking block of wood that is Silver Spoon Andrea, the wacky, tacky World History Expert that is Nasal Natalie… and the nasty fucking rude piece of shit that keeps popping up like a really persistent anal wart that is Eddie DoucheBaggeRoss. I’ll bet you anything the only one who gets any significant camera time out of the three of them is Eddie.

Back to the show, India is holding up three paint chips in red, yellow and blue, and this will determine which Finalist gets which of the “non-assistants only there for moral support”. Nathan chooses first and goes with blue, which gives him Nasal Natalie, who squeals and jumps up and down and nearly knocks Eddie flying with her bewbs. You can tell Nate really wanted Eddie.

Preston chooses red, which we knew from last week’s promo saddles him with Eddie, who fakely cheers “Yaaaayyyyy! How did I know?”…

…I dunno, Eddie… I guess the same way Andrea knows you’re being a big ol’ fake queen now…

Prettyboy Preston is none-too-thrilled, either, and he takes just a split-second too long before he plasters his own fake grin on his face, allowing me the opportunity to catch his real feelings in a screencap…

…awwwww, fuuuuuuuuuuuck!…

In interview, Preston insists he is happy about getting Eddie because he was there until almost the very end and because “he deserves to be here.” Preston forgot to add “as a kicked-off contestant”. Luckily, I didn’t. Of course, right after giving a fake A-frame hug to Pres, Eddie immediately gloms on to Black Eye Nathan and they jump up and down like two little girls who just got permission for a combination slumber-party/gossip-fest. This gives Eddie the opportunity to spout last week’s promo-gem: “If Preston asked me to get him a cup of coffee, I would tell him to go fuck himself.” Hmmmm, maybe that’s Eddie’s real problem, he’s dying for a blowjob. Somebody needs to release some tension, that’s for sure.

Of course, this means that Silver Spoon Andrea has been reunited with SexOndineCity, who is just thrilled beyond belief to have the woman who gave up her own place in the competition being stuck assisting her. Yay for sisterhood! Andrea herself is pretty honest about how she feels as she says “It’s good to be back, but it’s kind of frustrating because this would have totally been a challenge that I think I could have done good at, so, I’m definitely kinda kicking myself for breaking…”

…Ondine-honey, be real careful walking down the stairs in front of Andrea…

And especially beware her throwing any hair-jewels on the floor while you’re dancing… I’m just saying…

Preston is showing Eddie around his empty house, and Eddie clocks right away that Preston still wants to do “like, hotels…” and says that his style is completely different. No one cares about your style anymore, Eddie, you’re not really on this show, remember? “It’s like comparing apples and oranges…” he insists. Yes, it’s exactly like comparing firm, lush, crisp, tasty apples, and bitter, sour, moldy, rejected oranges. Eddie continues his contradictory blatherings, “Just because we’re two different designers, I mean, we can still respect each others’ tastes and style but I’m here to help him, I’m not here to make him win.” Spoken like a true sour mimosa.

Meanwhile, Black Eye Nathan is showing Nasal Natalie around his place, and as they walk by the hideous silvery leaf-patterned wallpaper that Nathan has wisely chosen for his main staircase he calls it “Golden Girls Disco!” and giggles…

…at a whore house in Tijuana, maybe…

Now it’s Nathan’s turn to tell his sob story of how his folks got divorced after 22 years and how traumatic it was because they had to find a new place to live, so they moved to a townhouse in Vista Village and that’s where, at age 10, Natey-boy began designing interiors for his newly-divorced mother…

…I guess the trauma of D-I-V-O-R-C-E would explain the hair…

Over in SexOndineCity’s place, she’s meeting with her carpenters Ian and Larry, and she’s asking them to build several things. She’s worked with Larry before and says he’s “a little slow” so she hopes he can move fast enough to get her 48 individual and highly-complex carpentry tasks completed. This would be called “foreshadowing”…

Oh look! The giant Indian chset (a.k.a. the “ssssarcophagussss”) that Black Eye Nathan ordered has arrived, and it takes several sweating latino men to haul it upstairs (Natey-boy, of course, doesn’t offer to help, he just stands back biting his knuckles and looking worried) where he immediately discovers that it’s waaaaay too large for the dining room that he’s placed it in. “I wish I could have dropped a match in it!” he says. Yes, Nathan, burning down the entire house will solve the problem of your too-large funeral casket. Drama queen.

Now our three designers are taking off to have one hour at their “dream store” to spend $5,000.00 for more stuff. Prettyboy says he’s comfortable leaving Eddie behind to work because he’s capable of being in charge of a lot of people. After half-heartedly directing one lone person on where a mattress and box-spring are supposed to go (duh, the bedroom) it looks like what Eddie LoafeRoss really wants to do is go hang out with Nasal Natalie and Black Eye Nathan…

…so this is how Eddie “helps” Preston “not win”!…

Nasal Nat picks up on this right away and says “Eddie doesn’t seem to be doing as much as I am, but that’s because Preston really hasn’t given him that much to do!” Really? I’m guessing that’s the story Eddie fed her, anyhow, and you know Nat ain’t the brightest knife in the Chinese-Hiroshima socket…

…members of the Screwing Other People Over Is Fun! club…

In other news, Eddie’s an even bigger shitdick than I ever fucking imagined. With only two days to design and furnish an entire house, he can’t find anything to work on? Well, what do you know?… Preston has had some thoughts about things he wants Eddie to do and calls him with several instructions. The whole time Pres is talking to him, Eddie’s mugging for the camera and snickering to Natalie, and eventually, pulling yet another smelly dickish move from his already overloaded big-ass bag of them, as Eddie and Natalie leave he just dumps the phone on the stairs with Preston still talking to him…

…oh, but he’s really helping Preston out…

Time for the Two Minute Todd Oldma’am Trick! He greets Eddie DawdleRoss with his usual brightness, and gets a completely unenthusiastic “Hi Todd, how are you.” in response. Todd pretends to be happy to see the little leprechaun again, “You’ve come back to help, that’s so great!” Eddie fetches a huge sigh and says “Ohhh…” as he continues listlessly painting the wall. Then Todd goes next door and spends a few seconds discussing “the language of shelves” with Black Eye Nathan.

Wow. Did you know shelves had their own language? Me, either. I wonder if they do a lot of bitching amongst themselves about accumulating dust and heavy shit being piled on top of them. It’s certainly a more interesting thought than pretty much anything else Todd has to say. All SexOndineCity gets out of him is an admonition to maybe think about putting some color into her boring all-black living room, and Todd is outie at one minute forty secondstonight! That’d be like me going into work, putting in about 15 minutes of my eight-hour day and then leaving.

The day has ended, and guess where our six hardworking designers are headed? To the pool! So we get to see Eddie in a… ((*urp*)) …swimsuit…

…surprisingly, he’s not as bad as I thought, but I find Nat’s bewbs infinitely more interesting…

Yes, after a long hard day of painting and directing other people where to lift and move heavy furniture, our exhausted and sleep-deprived bevy of bytches are going to relax with a nice cooling swim. Black Eye Nathan says that the thought of jumping into a cold pool is wonderful, and is happy he’s getting a chance to show off his body. Because cold water really brings out the most impressive aspects of men’s bodies…

…in celebration of shrinkage…

Natey-Boy says it’s a little weird knowing this will be one of the last times everyone will be hanging out together “but I know I’ve made lifelong friends!” I’m sure he’s referring to his bestest-butt-buddy Eddie. On the other hand, his not-bestest-butt-buddy Preston is still whining about never having any “alone time” to “zone out” and “meditate” within his “own thoughts”. I wonder if what he really means is he’s irritated by the lack of private time for romancing the bone…

…well, a chubby is a terrible thing to waste…

It’s a new day! They’ve got only 8 hours today to pull these “houses” together, and Black Eye Nathan is making a “chandelier” out of chicken-wire and paper plates. And here all this time I was laboring under the misconception that that was actually called a “compost heap”. I’m not sure exactly what kind of evil hold Chinet has over Nathan, but it’s a disturbing one nonetheless…

…this would be convenient on Sloppy Joe Nightâ„¢ (plus it’s a conversation piece!)…

Of course, none of SexOndineCity’s 48 complex carpentry tasks have actually been completed by the Wonder Twins Ian and Larry, and she’s getting a head-start on FreakOut MeltDown No. 9,376… I don’t understand it, either, all she asked them to do for her was make a bed-frame, headboard, shelving, window-seats, night-stands, a roll-top desk, a tree-house and add a fourth storey to the house (plus a pagoda for the back yard)! Ondine is in full-on harangue mode now, and is badgering them relentlessly, prompting this rebuke…

…you tell ‘er, boy!…

Ondine says if they don’t finish absolutely all of her demanded items she’s going to sit down and cry. I sympathize with ya, girl, that’s the same way I feel every time the McRib goes away.

As the final day dawns, Black Eye Nathan is ruminating on what winning would mean for him. He says he imagines himself having “a strong name” in the design world (and if by “strong” he means “malodorous” then he’s too late, cuz Eddie’s already beat him to that punch). Jeez, it looks like Eddie’s been allowed back into the dumpy Union Lofts and he’s sitting across the table from Nathan…

…yeah, I’d pretty much be vomiting in my mouth, too…

SexOndineCity, on the other hand, says if she won, she’d open a store in Brooklyn. I was hoping she’d say she was going to get a dermapeel and some Nexxus Salon Haircare Products.

Prettyboy Preston says that winning the $100,000.00 would be great, but being proud of yourself and what you did is worth more than that. I’m guessing Preston has never been reduced to eating store-brand mac’n'cheese (you know, the kind where the “cheese” stays in grit form and tastes like melamine?) because being proud is great and all, but fat boys need food and a hundred G’s buys a buttload of stuff at the local bulk store.

There are only 2 hours left to work, and Ondine says that nothing she expected to be done is actually finished! I think that’s a big honkin’ hunka hyperbole, because clearly her intricately mirrored headboard is completed, and I swear I saw a pagoda in the background… but the kid’s bed she asked for isn’t done, and neither is a precious valance, so Ondine grabbed a paint roller and is furiously working out her aggression by painting that damned valance as hard as she can!

…Unh! Take that, you damned dirty valance!…

Meanwhile, Prettyboy Preston seems to have his world under control. Perhaps Eddie’s foot-and-ass-dragging wasn’t able to screw him up much after all…

…”What do you mean this ‘looks phallic’?!?”…

Black Eye Nathan has decided to make some art, so he’s pouring paint down a canvas, and says “I’m not trying to be a cocky asshole, but it’s super cool!”…

…wow, that is pretty cool…

…I’m sure Mr. Chubbles thought it was fun, too…

Well, what do you know? Ondine’s Dynamic Duo of Slow-Ass Carpenters actually finished building all her stuff. Manufactured drama, anyone? She breathes a huge sigh of relief. Her hair is wishing for the same…

And with that, it looks like everything is finished! “Well, it’s done!” Eddie crows to Preston, “Congratulations!” Preston tells Eddie he thinks it looks good. Eddie, of course, is quick with the backhanded compliment as he says, “It looks great! I mean… it has your… name all over it!”…

…TRANSLATION: “It’s not as good as if it had, say, my name all over it!”…

As they share an insincere hug and Eddie grabs his purse to leave he calls out over his shoulder “We’ll definitely chit’n'chat sometime soon!” Of course, in his private interview Eddie says that he thinks Preston is “a nice guy” but that he likes Nathan’s and Ondine’s houses better because they’re “more creative”. He’s right, actually, cuz Preston’s place doesn’t have chicken wire or Special-Ed Paintings.

Nasal Nat hugs Black Eye Nathan g’bye, and Silver Spoon Andrea is doing the same with SexOndineCity. Andrea says she thinks if Ondine wins then it will feel like a victory for her, too. “I think she should definitely take me out for dinner and maybe to a great store in New York and buy me a new outfit!” So much for Team Estrogen’s selfless teamwork and camaraderie…

Here comes the judging panel of India Hicks, Jonathan Adler, Kelly Worstler and Margaret Russell, stopping by Casa De Ovaries first…

…looks like Mr. Chubbles had time to do a painting for Ondine’s place, too…

Ondine says her house is “retro-glam” and her living room has Danish Fifties furniture mixed with ethnic pieces, plus the monkey-paintings. Up the stairs is her family room…

…this looks like the set of a Duran Duran video from 1984…

I do kinda like her “three dimensional wall-sculpture” which is another way of saying “recycling used CDs”. Plus, I swear to you, I have seen that exact same wallpaper in the rooms at the Sands Regency Hotel and Casino in Reno, Nevada. Moving on over to the dining room…

…it’s very “Where The Wild Things Are”…

Ondine is particularly proud of the 1960′s-inspired brass chandelier. I actually like that, too, but if it were my dining room I’d probably add my own touch to it…

…now it’s very “Where The Gay Things Are”…

Making their way into Ondine’s master bedroom we are in for a treat…

…crappy curtains…

I thought she had access to a seamstress! Still, her carpenter did actually make her a really cool headboard to the bed that has all these mirrors set at strange angles, which looks pretty cool…

…but it’d be no good for watching yourself have sex… unless you have a Picasso fetish…

Jonathan Adler’s comment on this room? “Mee-OW!” Honey, wait until you see her “Little Girl’s Room”…

…he’ll change that to just plain “OW!”…

It looks like a gay McDonald’s Playland! I didn’t think that pink and red and yellow got along so well as colors, and really, they don’t (except at the circus). India asks if the carpenters built the entire daybed, and Ondine relates that they did both that and the master bed, and starts playing The Blame Game by saying she bit off more than her carpenters could chew. I’m guessing the carpenters would have some advice on what Ondine could bite…

Lastly we have Ondine’s Study-Slash-Magic-Eye-Salt’N'Pepa-Guest-Room, which we saw last week and she really didn’t change much here…

…except for adding that uggo black drape…

All in all, it’s not bad. I like some of the things she did, but I kinda think some of her juxtapositioning of styles is rather jarring. Then again, there’s a lot about Ondine that is rather jarring.

The judges mosey on over to Prettyboy Preston’s Place, starting with the living room…

…recognize the coffee table sans gold-lamé antlers?…

Yes, Preston changed around quite a lot of things. They move on to his “lounge” area off of the kitchen…

…where even more stuffed zebras were slaughtered…

To break up the monochromatic theme, Pres threw some orange slices into his phallic decanter to give a splash of color. Jonathan Adler pipes up “Those orange slices leave me wanting more.” Eeeeeee! Not a good sign. It’s time for the revamped dining room…

…it’s certainly a little more fat-friendly than when it was the “family room” last week!…

Although that teensy table would never be big enough to hold dinner for just me and the BF, much less a family of four! It’s time to visit my BF’s fantasy room… Preston’s master bedroom…

…where I’m sure he envisions Preston propped up against those pillows…

Wow, that’s a pretty ingenius idea to have the sex-towels draped over the top of the bed, that is so much more convenient to just reach up and grab one instead of rooting around next to Undie Hill for a cat-hair covered one… Jonathan wants to know where the “splash of color” is in this room. I guess he must have failed to notice the veritable riot of hues exploding off the wallpaper…

…more like a “tsunami of color”…

The next room is the Guest Room (Preston calls it a “Suite” which is overselling it a tad) and actually it’s quite interesting…

…in a “waiting room” kind of way…

Actually, the work they did with the crown and wall moldings is pretty polished and sleek. Last up is Pres’s office…

…love the nearly-nude swimmer guy in the artwork…

This room is kind of out there for what we’ve come to expect from Prettyboy Preston, but India Hicks seems to like it as she calls it “Groovy!” Pres is proud of all the color and looks like he expects a doggy treat from Jonathan Adler for it.

Time to visit Black Eye Nathan’s funhouse, which he’s calling “bohemian bourgeois cottage”. Here’s his “entry-gallery-foyer-space”…

…adorned with an Erector Set…

He actually identifies the gear-wheel thingy as a “kinetic sculpture”. At the top of the stairs (passing through the “Golden Girls Disco”) there is a console table that he’s painted with his trademark stripes…

…I had no idea that deer horns were so popular in interior design!…

Of course, his dining room has that wacky “Chinet chicken-wire chandelier” plus the Mr. Chubbles artwork…

…at least Kelly’s napkin-frock doesn’t clash in this room…

India tells Nathan he should copyright the paper-plates-as-lampshades idea. I can’t tell if she’s serious or not. Moving over to the family room, we get to see how Grandma’s Casket overpowers everything…

…but it’d prolly work real good as a buffet table…

Even more wacky is the art work, which appears to have dead birds, blood and freeform poetry all over it…

…well, at least “fries” rhymes with “flies”…

India wonders if Nathan really feels the ssssarcophagussss is alright in the room because it is so “cumbersome”. Not to mention creepy. Revisiting his master bedroom…

…it still makes me sleepeeeee…

Nathan points out that he didn’t change the bed, and Jonathan jumps on this with “Well, you should have!” Nathan just blames “time management” for him not getting that accomplished. He doesn’t mention all the time he spent key-keying with Eddie and Nat. They continue to his “Little Boy’s Room”…

…for one sad little boy…

I think Nathan is channelling his inner child here, although he calls it “playful”, I could totally see him in here as a kid and practicing his “vacuum lines” on the carpeting. And moping a lot. The final room is his office, and the “language of the shelves” is quite clear here…

…”He stole Preston’s same wallpaper!”…

The “desk” looks more like a “makeup table” to me. However, the other wall is even weirder, with a bunch of pictures of random men…

…Nathan’s Wall-O-Love-Conquestsâ„¢?…

Natey-Boy admits it’s bizarre, but insists that it “speaks of him” and how he thinks about things. A.K.A., he’s horny.

And with that, they’ve seen everything and everyone heads back over to the Red Room to deliberate. The critiques are as follows:

Black Eye Nathan: Jonathan says they were expecting more “lows” from him after his horrible bedroom, and that they really took a chance in putting him through to the finals. I’m sure Eddie would agree. Jon-Jon wants to know what Nathan’s least favorite part of the house was, and Nate immediately mentions the ssssarcophagussss. India thinks it’s surprising he kept it even when he sensed it wasn’t right. Nathan says after it took 7 guys to move it into position he couldn’t bear to ask them to chuck it. Margaret is incredulous, “It wasn’t worth $100,000.00 to move that chest?” I guess not. Jonathan goes on to say he really loves the “Wall of Ex-Boyfriends” in the office…

…whereas I love his giant gold-plated neck chain!…

For some weird reason, they just love all his wacky art choices and his “cloud” design made of paper plates. This is making me feel frightened.

SexOndineCity: Margaret says she should be very proud, as this is the most “pulled-together” her work has ever looked, and she wasn’t afraid of color (like Silver Spoon Andrea would have been). Kelly, on the other hand, says she used too many accessories and should have edited herself more. Ondine goes right for her Planned Excuseâ„¢, which is to blame her poor stupid slow carpenters. Margaret doesn’t let her get away with it, though, “Do you think some of your requests of both your seamstress and your carpenter were a little ambitious?”…

…I think asking her to clean up a little and not drape herself in a giant caterpillar is more ambitious…

Even stranger still, they all loved that hyperactive “Little Girl’s Room” with it’s frenetic color palate and circus-like atmosphere. Show me a little girl living in that acid-trip for more than six months, and I’ll show you a little girl with a great big Ritalin prescription.

Prettyboy Preston: Margaret thinks he did a “lovely” job (faint praise alert!) and that each room, while different, belonged with the others. She particularly loved the molding work he did in his guest bedroom (I agree here). Raincloud Kelly, however, feels his dining room looked too matchy-matchy, like all the furniture was bought as a set (which makes no sense, because she’s the same one who wanted to know why Ondine had two mismatched chairs in her dining room… WTF?).

…Preston is probably kicking himself for not having manufactured a dinette set entirely out of plastic utensils and chewing gum…

Jon-Jon loved his master bedroom, though, and the draped sex-towels. Me too!

With that, they are dismissed so the judges can further deliberate and nit-pick. SexOndineCity gets plusses for the hot-pink sofas and her newfound cohesiveness, but minuses for asking waaaaay too much of her construction staff. Black Eye Nathan is given props for his being so strong and provocative and individualistic and creative, but gets a great big diss from Margaret for being “a bit random” and for his “Golden Girls Disco” wallpaper. India sticks up for Nathan by saying he had a lot of fun, that it was time for some fun… Jonathan makes an obscure 80′s reference here when he echoes that sentiment with “Just like Samantha Fox says…” It sails over India’s head and falls dead on the floor…

…Suh-Suh-Suh-Suh-Samantha FOX!…

I’m guessing India doesn’t run with the 80′s Pop Queen Crowd at home and has no clue who Samantha Fox is (not to mention she probably never saw any of Sam’s boobilicious Page Three photos in The Sun). If you’re a straight man, and you’re still reading these recaps, google her pictures, you won’t be disappointed…

Where was I before boobs derailed me? OH, yes, last they’re discussing “Perfect Preston” as India Hicks calls him. Seems to me she’s got a bit of a gayboy crush going on! Anyhow, he’s praised for being so polished and well-thought-out and sleek and modern. However, while Margaret is heaping all this praise upon him, Kelly Worstler is making a great big giant theatrical yawn, which ruffles Margaret’s feathers a little! “Just because it’s polished design doesn’t mean it has to be boring design!” Erm, except I think that was Kelly’s whole point. They think he needs more personality injected in his work. My BF thinks he’d like to inject Preston with something…

Well, they’ve picked a winner… and the phone poll has picked theirs…

…Duh…

And the winner of $100,000.00, a spread in Elle DECKor, and the title of Top Design is….

…Weepy Black Eye Nathan!…

SexOndineCity immediately attempts to strangle him, but she’s so tired out from blaming her carpenters for screwing her up that she just doesn’t have enough energy, so she goes for a limp hug instead. I think Natey must have popped a trank before the judging, because he barely seems to muster any enthusiasm for his newly fattened bank account, magazine spread and mackadocious title… “I’m shocked… but thrilled…” Zzzzzzz….

Oh well, there you have it! Nathan wins it all. What did you think of this episode, and this season? Was it more interesting than Season One? Do you think they picked the right winner? Here’s what the online poll at BravoTV.com currently says…

…Double Duh!…

Well, I’m personally glad that Eddie got denied even competing in the final, and I hope that it’s a long time before I hear or see him again. That does it for me, dear Gasmii. As of right now I am going to take a break from writing and get some sleep. Oh, and in a few hours I will be boarding a plane to San Antonio, Texas to go see another drag queen pageant. I have truly enjoyed all the feedback and commentary, you guys are the best and I love each and every one of you for sticking by my insanely detailed recaps. Huggles!

love, J-Mo