Top Design: The Future Is A Sparkly Strip Club

Back when I was a young boy, and still had hope for the future, I dreamed of a world in which everyone flitted about in personal hovercrafts and jet-packs (mysteriously avoiding zillions of mid-air collisions), computers would talk to us in British accents (they’d all sound like Joan Collins in her giant shoulder-padded Dynasty days), food would be teeny little pills (your asparagus pill would taste like chocolate cake), and everything would be very shiny, sparkly, glittery and holographic…

…like the inside of a Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club…

Well, on tonight’s episode of Top Design we get to see six other visions of the future, as well as more of Silver Spoon Andrea’s mounting depression, SexOndineCity’s bitter angry side, and Eddie SplatteRoss will say the word “bewbs” again. Oh, and he’s still a total dickface (or shitdick… I can’t decide between the two)… it’s time to boldly design a brave new world (made entirely of circles!) after the jump!Black-Eye Nathan has been saddened by the departure of our Atmospheric Hero Whatisit (the background music that opens the episode is, of course, some wailing operatic vocal loop over a drum’n'bass backbeat… might even be a sample of Whatisit himself, who knows?) and I’m taking this as confirmation… they totally boinked. Or at least shared a few furtive late-night handjobs under the covers that I bet Whatisit kept giggling throughout…

Speaking of sad, Silver Spoon Andrea still is. She’s mooning about on her bed, and we get treated to yet another view of the Famous Glamour Shot…

…never in life did I think I would become so familiar with the back of Ricky Schroder’s head…

Apparently, before she left home in Topanga Canyon to travel the long lonely (25) miles to Los Angeles, Andrea made her kids write her letters that she could open up and read while she’s so far away from them…

…“Deer Mommey: Daddiy sez he duzn’t miss yoo at alll. Pee Ess: Pleez keep tayken ur meds & stopp beeun sutch a bigg blubbo-face!”…

She makes a call home to talk to the Rickster, and I was hoping we’d get to hear it on speaker, but no such luck, it looks like she has to leave a voicemail (!!!)

Moving on to much nicer (and happier) things, Preston is running around shirtless again…

…Designers On Crack…

You know how last time I was saying that I was starting to get the impression that my BF is being spoiled by seeing Preston’s luscious pecs every other episode? Well, tonight when we sat down to dinner he had a big ol’ steak and home fries… and I was handed a giant bowl of salad and a trial membership to Bally’s… *sigh*

Anyhow, after leaving the “dump” that is the Union Lofts (which, by the way, I found online that they are renting 500-square-foot studios there for around $1200.00 a month, while the much grander 1800-square-foot two-bedroom units go for around $7000.00 a month… such a deal!) they are greeted in the Top Design Studio by Margaret Russell and India Hicks, who tells them today’s challenge is going to be the “toughest yet”. They’re gonna play “Let’s Pretend” and astral-project themselves into the future to the year 2108, where they will be asked to design “The Room Of The Future”! Joy abounds…

…is she excited?… or suicidal?…

Finally they are using the blank white three-walled “rooms” that were part of just about every single challenge in Season One of this show. They’ll be given paint, fabric, wallpaper, and the use of a carpenter… and some of the carpenters are pretty humpy-lookin’ (I loves me a big chunky fella) and so I pause the show, throw my salad bowl at my BF, burn the Bally’s membership and whip up a big mess of Mac’N'Cheese. They get a budget of $7000.00 and 2½ days to finish.

Hey, it’s time for Eddie Kübler-Ross’ first dickish interview of the episode! He says his concept is going to be for the lobby of “The Golden Clone”… a “cloning agency”. He says, “I mean, no offense everybody, but, just because two people are good-looking??…sometimes they have really busted kids!”…

…no offense, Eddie… but in that case, your parents must be extremely good looking…

He goes on to say that he’s having his carpenter make a “really sleek fireplace” with extra-high bench seating, “‘Cuz I’m thinking in the cloning, people are gonna be much taller… we’re not gonna have midgets!” I’d be careful about advocating for genetic manipulation, Eddie, you’re not exactly statuesque yourself… shitdick. I hope that family from Little People, Big World sees this show and the dad finds Eddie and totally kicks his ass. I’ll hold him down.

Meanwhile, Silver Spoon Andrea finds even more time to whine about how haaaard this is, it’s so unfair that they just found out what the challenge was, and already she has to meet with the carpenter to tell him what her ideas are gonna be right awayyyyy… I’m starting to wish Andrea would just excuse herself from the competition and go home. This way she would only harangue and annoy 5 other people, instead of 5 million. Her design concept is going to be “Pod Housing”, which sounds perfect, because I think Andrea has become a Pod Person…

…Donald clocks her, too…

She says it’s going to be “like a motor home that flies.” And gets really bad gas mileage, too, I bet. Andrea has decided that if this is to be her last challenge on Top Design, she’s gonna go balls-to-the-wall and design a pink room! This means she is definitely not going home this week.

SexOndineCity says she is thinking about the future as being marred by all the global warming, and is also talking about having a fireplace in her room (except it’s going to be “a cooling fireplace” which sounds so oxymoronic I can barely type it) plus she’s gonna have some fans built into the wall. Gee, sounds like a dream hangout for Carrie Bradshaw & Co. when they’re in their 130′s… no one will notice the hot flashes!

Our girl Nasal Natalie says the future to her always brings images of The Jetsons flying around in their little circular cars (I can hear that little “deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle” sound they made in my head right now) so she’s going to do a room that would be on hydraulics and you could choose what floor you wanted to live on…? I’m confused by her wacky design idea, and from the looks of it, so is her carpenter… I can only guess at what his thought-bubble is while listening to her ramble…

…”This bitch is crazy… but she’s got nice tits.”…

Hey Carpenter Man… those aren’t “tits”… they’re “bewbs”, all right?

Prettyboy Preston’s planning on doing a “Space Hotel” concept, and plans to kind of split up his room between a living and dining room area and for the 87 kabillionth time he says he wants it to look “finished” and “clean” and “tailored”, just like every single other project he’s done. I kinda wish he’d cut loose a little and maybe let his party-boy side come out to play, cuz this whole “super-anal-retentive” thing he’s got going on is kind of an erection-killer (at least for me, anyhow, can’t speak for the BF).

Speaking of erection-killers, Black Eye Nathan is planning on doing his room in all-black with “cubed artifacts” and looking forward to what “the future of design” is gonna be… a “simple flashy hangout”. His carpenter says when they’re done they can sit back and have a beer… Oooh! Did Black Eye just get asked out on a date? The fact that he and his daddy-carpenter are sitting with their knees intertwined and almost touching makes for an interesting tableau indeed…

…little does he know he’s playing with Black Eye fiyah!…

While the carpenters all head off to the butch hardware store, the designers head over to an even more masculine market… Jo-Ann’s Fabrics. They’ve got 45 minutes to blow $250.00 on artsy-craftsy shit to adorn the future with, and right away Black Eye Nathan finds himself in the styrofoam aisle handling large balls…

…these are a necessity in the “Bachelor Pad Of The Future”…

He’s going to make phallic “topiaries” out of these. Then he and Daddy Carpenter can have a nice quiet evening getting blitzed on beer and go to town without ever leaving the couch. Yee-haw for Natey, you work it, girl!

Speaking of big fake balls, I’m thinking Eddie doesn’t have a pair of low-hangers, cuz he’s wearing yet another pair of those weird super-short-shorts that look like a miniskirt thanks to his spindly chicken legs. He says “I’m kind of familiar with Jo-Ann fabric… it’s, like, gold Keds and a stirrup pant with a sweatshirt that says ‘Grandma Loves Her Grandchildren’…”

…not if they go out in public looking like a dirty old man, she doesn’t!…

…”Eddie, you mind your Nana, now!”…

And he wonders why everyone thinks he has a “grandma vibe” to him! Asshat. Anyhow, they move on to the Modernica store, where they have another 45 minutes and $4000.00 to buy futuristic furniture that all pretty much looks like hard-ass boxy right angles (if Eddie is any indication, we’re all going to be a bunch of blockheads in the future, so this kind of back-wracking stuff will be perfect).

Luckily for Prettyboy Preston’s concept, a lot of it looks like uncomfortable hotel lobby furniture, so he’s over the moon. Eddie BlatheRoss is unimpressed with Preston’s room recipe because it’s not super creative in his eyes. “I mean, I haven’t seen any other look since the show started besides his, like, hotel look.”…

…and I haven’t seen any other look since the show started besides Eddie’s, like, SnotFaced look…

Now they’re back at the studio and beginning work on their respective rooms (they’ve got 4 hours left today) and everybody is painting, painting, painting… well, most everybody. Eddie SplatteRoss has decided he’s going to just hurl bright red paint at his walls, doing his best to make it look like a giant used tampon exploded all over the place. Very futuristic…

…Plug it up! Plug it up! Plug it up!…

They’re all gonna laugh at you! For realsies… my frumpy aunt let my bitchy cousins do this exact same thing with hot pink and teal paint in their bathroom. In 1986. So it’s not exactly an original idea. Like much of Eddie’s work lately. He says it looks like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho just chopped up about five girls. Hey, Patrick? Could you do us a favor and make Eddie the sixth, please?

Over in SexOndineCity’s room, she admits her future looks a bit dreary as she’s painting her room grey. Not Nasal Nat! She’s got her hands on an exuberant orange and seems to be having the best time of her life mixing it up…

…shake your shimmy, girl!…

On the other end of the spectrum is Black Eye Nathan, who is painting his walls dead black (he doesn’t think the future has to be all about a “flashy Jetsons look”) but when he strolls by Prettyboy Preston’s room and sees that Pres is also doing black walls, he gets pissed. I guess he must have forgotten to “call” black before they got started? Eddie chimes in that “Preston is always, like, a ‘one-upper’!… Like, I’ve been to Fiji… he’s like ‘I’ve been to Fiji five times!’” Oh no, not the dreaded Fiji-comparison! I know how annoying that can be. Whatever. Get over it, gyrls. To quote Lily Tomlin in 9 To 5, “There’s more than one peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich in the world!”…

The next day they’re off to Ikea to have another hour’s worth of shopping, and SexOndineCity reveals that as a set decorator on SATC they went to Ikea all the time, and one hour is just not enough to get everything she needs… and as she’s frantically scribbling and stuffing things into her cart, a piece of paper lazily seesaws down to the floor as Ondine speeds off to her next Ikea destination… it turns out it was one of her lists with the aisle numbers of stuff she needed to buy on it. Ondine. Completely. Loses. Her. Shit.

…somebody needs a hug!…

She is angrily digging through her cart, slamming flowers into it, dumping stuff on the floor searching for the list (hey Camera Guy… would it kill you to just tell her where she dropped it?) and she is going off on the poor Ikea employee, barking out a description of the couch she wanted (he tries to suggest one, but it’s the wrong one and she storms off). Nathan is giggling up a storm. Okay, EyeBags, let’s see how cool you are when something like this happens to you. In the car on the way back she mutters “My future is very sparse…”

Back to the studio, where they only have six hours left to work for the day. So far Natalie’s disco-room is my favorite (I’m a sucker for sparkly glittery stuff) and she asks Eddie “Hey, do I look like a strip club?” After a pregnant pause he replies, “It’s kind of fun… can you get up there and show us your bewbs?” Nat happily obliges…

…Nomi Malone ain’t got nothing on Nat…

“God, I wish I had my wallet and some money, cuz I’d definitely give you all of it!” coos Eddie. Me, too. If only so she could buy some shorts that fit. Eddie’s musing about what parts of his fellow designers he’d clone. “I would definitely do Natalie’s bewbs… with Andrea’s body… Preston’s lips… Ondine’s eyes…”

…which right about now look like two chained Dobermans…

He continues “…Nathan’s height… and I think actually everybody’s sense of humor has to be a part of that brain… because I think we’re all pretty funny!” Wait, so with all the bounteous body beautiful that is Prettyboy Preston you’d only use his lips? Eddie is a bewb.

Oh look, here comes Todd Oldma’am to give non-advice, collect his paycheck (that is likely 37 times my annual salary) and not spend any of it on getting his jacked-up grille fixed. The only thing that he said that I found slightly funny that he said was when he called Eddie’s wall-motif “crime-scenish”…

…the real “crime-scene” is those picket fences in his mouth…

Once again, at a minute-forty, he’s outie. With three hours to go in the day, Silver Spoon Andrea seems to be having great difficulty putting together a weird amoeba-like lamp she bought from Ikea… she seems stumped by the concept that it didn’t come fully assembled for her. She sends a sliver of icy fear into my heart when she gives up and says, “I think I’m getting the hot glue gun…”

Suddenly, India Hicks appears! Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuunh! Yup, it’s time for another Pop Design! Six quivering sphincters clamp down hard on a veritable flood of possible anal-leakage, and I think a couple of them burst into tears as they slouch into the Top Design Studio, which has been eerily lit in ultraviolet…

…oooh, maybe it’s the Top Design Debate!…

Nope, it’s “Pop Design Pop Quiz”! Lovely. Like “The Weakest Link” only more boring. Jonathan Adler is there to ask them questions that will test their design knowledge. Wow, this is gonna be a test for me, too! (I know, I know… I shouldn’t even really be recapping this show since I don’t have my Doctorate in Interior Design, but I don’t have the sixty G’s for a semester at FIDM… or the sixty years it would take me to finish). We’ll see how I do compared to our beaten-down contestants, ‘kay?

This is a sudden-death game, so as soon as a designer gets a question wrong, they are out. Winner gets immunity. They’re going to be shown two images, and they have to decide which one is the original, and which one is Memorex… here’s the first one…

…which came first, the shower loofah, or the toilet-bowl brush?…

I totally guessed A, because I was at a bar the other night and they had those light fixtures all over the place! Everybody else guesses B. They are right, I’m wrong. I thought A was prettier, though. Jon-Jon says that B is the “Henningson Artichoke Lamp”… no, it’s the plastic thing I use to clean butt-spew off the side of my porcelain thrones at home. Oh well, moving on…

…which is worse, the butt-flattener, or the vertebrae compactor?…

This time I stuck with A. Snot green seems like more of an artsy-fartsy way to go rather than the PergoChair. Preston, Ondine, Nathan and Nat agree with me. Eddie and Andrea go with B. This time I’m right! HA! In your big smelly assface, Eddie! Jon-Jon informs us this is the “Jacobsen Series Seven” chair. Wow, it took them seven tries to come up with that hard-ass uncomfortable back-breaker! Way to go Jacobsen! Eddie and Andrea are both out. You can totally tell that Eddie is embarrassed to be one of the first out, he’s giggling like he doesn’t care, but yeah, he’s pessed…

…”fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!”…

Of course, he takes a sour-grapes “I-didn’t-wanna-win-anyway” attitude and pish-poshes, “Whatever… I wanna be judged on what I do and not just ‘get to the next level cuz I have immunity’!” Trust me Eddie, we’re judging you. And so far, you’re coming up seriously wanting in a lot of ways. Back to the quiz…

…which is uglier, the airport, or the DMV?…

I voted my straight ticket of A, again. Nathan and Ondine go my way, while Preston and Natalie go with B (for Busted). And busted they are, because A is the correct answer! ((**happy dance**)) Jon-Jon explains that this chair is from 1958, and it’s the “Swag-Leg Armchair by George Nelson”, which can be used for a dining room or desk chair (whereas the other one is strictly for failing your Written Driver’s Exam in… or filling out Unemployment Forms… better get used to it, America). Preston and Nat are out, too…

The last question begins as follows: Jonathan shows them four lamps that were purchased in the L.A. area in the last few days, and invites Nathan and Ondine to take a closer look at them…

…welllll, it looks like they all give off…light?…

Ondine really knows her lamps, cuz she clocks A as being from Ikea, and B as being an original Jonathan Adler (ahhhh, no wonder it’s shaped like a butt-plug!), C is some kind of “vintage” lamp (a.k.a. it’s “old”) and D is, as Ondi puts it distastefully “definitely from some major consumer store…” which prolly means El Targhetto or Wall-O-Mart in OndiSpeak. The question is, which of the four is the most expensive?

Okay, I know for sure that it’s not D, because I could afford it. I don’t think it’s A, because Ikea, while out of my price-range, is still not super-opulent. Ondine decides that Jonathan Adler would actually put one of his pieces on this show and try to tout it as being “most expensive”, so she chooses B. I don’t think Jonathan is that much of an egotist, and Nathan says he believes that C is an antique (probably “French 40′s or French 50′s”) so he goes with C. I’m also guessing C, because it seems like perfect sense to say that some junky old lamp would get more valuable as it ages (whereas people apparently do not).

…and Nathan and I are right again! Yay for 50-50 chances! Jonathan Adler reveals that his lamp retails for $395.00 (“And it’s well worth it!”, he insists). Holy fuck! Why not just light dollar bills on fire instead? Even worse, like I suspected, the bug-eyed lamp retails for $1200.00! For that kind of money the lamp had better have sex with me. At least twice.

…this just ain’t her day…

SexOndineCity just can’t believe that Nathan won immunity again! Believe it, toots, Miss Black Eye ain’t no joke (except to me, of course). Five pairs of eyes are now shooting daggers at the back of Natey’s bald head as they make their way back to try and finish off their future flights of fantasy…

Heyyyy, remember how Silver Spoon Andrea was having so much trouble assembling her origami-lamp, and she decided to ignore those pesky “directions” and just hot-glue-gun the fucker? Guess what happened??…

…this just ain’t her day, either…

I guess Gravity trumps Glue every time. It looked all fucked up anyhow, so perhaps Earth’s gravitational pull did her a favor. She’s trying to rationalize, as she says “I liked the cabbage chandelier just because it was white and it was high-gloss and it was, just, modern… but every time the wind would blow one of the pieces would fall off…” I did not realize Andrea was in the windy part of the studio…. perhaps its because of what’s whistling between her ears…

Gravity is also not being friends with SexOndineCity, who manages to explosively spill an entire jar of varnish right in front of Eddie’s room! Poor Ondine says she feels like her room is turning into “a complete clusterfuck”… but time has run out for the day, it’s back to the Union Lofts…

Elimination Day dawns, and Nasal Natalie says her hands are so sore she can’t even open the milk bottle! But that’s nothing, because Silver Spoon Andrea is sitting at the dining room table and whining to the other designers that she just knows she’s gonna go home tonight… this is Airtight Assurance #2 that she’s totally safe. She’s puling and whining, all that “Ohhh, wah wah wah, I’m gonna say how much I suck so that you will all reassure me of how fabulous I am!” kind of bullshit. It would be hysterical if one of them just flat-out said “Yup, you prolly are going home tonight… you better pack now!”

Now she’s moping on the stairs, saying in a quavering voice, “I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, I just don’t need my weaknesses to be, like, ripped on!” Eddie RebelRoss helpfully points out “They’re judges, big fucking whoop!”…

…Listen to Eddie FunkyFingeRoss, Andrea… it’s not like the judges could actually send you home or anything…

Jeez, what a nutbag wackjob… oh, boo hoo, so someone points out that you might suck at something… big deal! Try having an entire roomful of people telling you that you suck at just about everything and then come talk to me about how depressed you are! I didn’t pack on all these extra pounds so I could have zero wrinkles in my jeans and not be able to tie my shoes without holding my breath! I did it because I have to deal with a world that tells me every other minute of every other day that I’m a second-class citizen who is responsible for ruining America, and those Rice-Krispy treats are like a warm hug in a cold room. Okay, more like thirty or forty warm hugs, but you get the point, Andrea… S.T.F.U.!

Whoopsie, sorry ’bout that. I think I need a hug. I’ll be right back.

With 90 minutes left before judging, Eddie Self-CenteRoss is pleased as punch with himself (as usual) as he crows “My cloning center Looks. A. May. Zing! I would love to clone myself… I’d get the job done so fast because there would be 20 of me running around the room knowing exactly what I’m thinking… I mean, I can’t get enough of me!”…

…Jesus has graded you…

Wow, still dealing with that Mean Mr. Gravity, Ondine managed to drop one of her easy chairs and snap a leg off of it! Butterfingers! Even better still, it kind of appears that yesterday’s attempt to sabotage Eddie’s room did not succeed to the degree she wanted it to, because Ondine just dropped another full can of black varnish on the floor in front of Eddie’s room, and this time her aim was good enough that was able to actually splash it into Eddie’s room and get it all over the side of his pristine white couch and cabinets!!!

…well, this would have put me in a better mood, that’s for sure…

Ah, but it looks like most of it is coming off… plus I doubt the judges would mark against him for it. Ondine is mortified and apologizes profusely to Eddie.

Time for judging, and here is Kelly Worstler’s ricockulous outfit of the day…

…hundred bucks says the word “HEFTY” is on the back of that Cinch-Sak she’s wearing…

Looks like Kelly’s taking fashion tips from Ugly Betty, cuz she’s wearing socks with her heels, too. If it’s a big no-no to wear socks with sandals, I can’t imagine how this is supposed to be okay. I love Kelly.

First to describe her room of the future is Nasal Natalie…

…”Hydraulic Living Space”…a.k.a. “Elevator To Hell”…

I love how she tried to hide it behind that big black bookcase. She says you could turn a lever and decide which area you wanted to live in. It certainly is, well, orange. She has also picked the oddest area rug…

..♪.”he came into her apartment.♪.. he left the bloodstains..♪. on the carpet.♪.. Natty, are you ok?..♪. Are you ok, Natty?”.♪..

She’s been hit by *bang* *bang* she’s been struck by *crash* a smooth criminal, all right. And that criminal is her dismal taste level. India cracks me up when she asks Nat “Do you hydraulically let us down?” Yes, I would say she already did.

Next up is SexOndineCity, and here’s her dreary vision of the future…

…”Global Warming Sanctuary”…a.k.a. “Cell Block Tango”…

Ondine says her room comes from “a dark place” because in her future there is no actual daylight. Cheery! Somehow, even though there is no daylight, the Earth is still getting hotter, so her room is super climate-controlled with a bunch of fans, and her “cooling fireplace”. Kelly asks her why she chose the color gray, and Ondine responds that she thought it was elegant. “The future has to be attractive…” is how Jon-Jon responds to this. Not in OndineWorld it doesn’t!

Moving right along to Eddie MultiplicityRoss’ room…

…”The Golden IMClone”…a.k.a. “Bloody Insider Trading”…

Eddie thinks his room looks together and expensive (yes, that gold lamé fabric was $2.99 a yard at Jo-Ann, I heard him when he bought it) and he even had them build in an elevator. It looks like a gay emergency room. India notices the black splashes on the back of his white couch, and the one nice thing I can say about Eddie this episode is that he says it was just a plain old accident. Kelly Worstler wants to know if the gold dryer-vent coils above his fireplace are “sperm”…? LOL, Kelly! Nope, they’re supposed to be “DNA”… you know, except without the double helix that is intrinsic to the genetic building blocks of all life on Earth. Actually, now that I think about it, Eddie’s room is really the lobby to “The Golden Birth Defect”…

Now they come to Black Eye Nathan’s room…

…”Bachelor Pad Of The Future”…a.k.a. “Nate’s Passion Pit”…

He says his back wall has been covered in “galactic bubbles” (which look remarkably like paper plates with the edges painted black) and he used a wall-mounted “cat scratcher” as his coffee table, which Jon-Jon finds to be brilliant. I don’t know, it’s all a bit “Blade Runner” for my taste, but he’s got immunity, so who really cares?

Here is Sad Silver Spoon Andrea’s idea of the future…

…”Futuristic Pod Living”…a.k.a. “Pepto-Pod Palace”…

This looks about as futuristic as a tiki hut in the South Pacific. During World War II. She’s pointing to one of the “windows” that she cut into the wall, and says that it’s a “voice thing” that you would speak into and ask for tomato-basil ravioli, and boom! Out it comes! I guess Andrea’s never heard of a “replicator” before, but yeah, they came up with that idea on Star Trek: TNG back in 1988. And theirs didn’t look like a planter box…

…La Ventana De La Comida!…

Kelly wants to know who’s actually making the food when you speak into the “voice thing” and Andrea says “Um, another pod somewhere…?” Yup, it’s 2108 and poor arthritic Zoila Chavez is still stuck living in the graffiti-covered Section 8 HUDpod and having to clean and cook ravioli for lazy-ass Andrea Schroder and her brats.

Last up is Prettyboy Preston’s concept…

…”Modern Hotel In Space”…a.k.a. “Salt’N'Pepa Studio”…

Actually, I really like his room, his “light wall” is pretty cool looking and the entire wall of the kitchen area is covered in different pieces of crown molding to a pretty awesome textured effect. Margaret wants to know if there was anything he didn’t finish because of time constraints, and Preston says no, actually he removed an end table that was “competing” with the coffee table, so he’s proud of the fact that he didn’t use a $900 piece of furniture that he bought. I’d be prouder if he went ahead and gave them the 900 bucks back instead.

Reassembling in the Red Room, our panel of Judgy-Wudgies have questions for everyone.

Prettyboy Preston: They loved his crown-molding wall. My boyfriend, on the other hand, loves his sculpted ass cheeks. Kelly thinks he would have been more successful if he had concentrated on just having one room instead of making it into two, but I think she’s just pissed because there was no “room service” window in there for her to order ravioli from…

Black Eye Nathan: Kelly says “I could clearly see Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi sipping tea in there!” WTF?!? Star Wars fans across the nation are hurling their inflatable light-sabres at their televisions, and I’m picturing Mark Hamill and Alec Guinness sitting with their feet curled under them and enjoying a nice pot of Constant Comment and scones. Anywho, Kelly’s only complaint is that he had too many accessories. I was going to say there were just too damned many circles. Margaret goes for the buzzkill when she says she “didn’t see the future” in it. India jumps in at this point and says “Nathan… I have to agree with Kelly! I thought your room stood up to the challenge!” We are treated to this priceless image…

…celebrate the moments of your life…

SexOndineCity: Margaret says Ondine has a lot of ideas, but big problems bringing the ideas to fruition. They are puzzled as to why she chose to make her “cooling fireplace” the focal point, when Kelly says if she had put sixteen fans (!!!!) on the back wall (instead of the measly four) then that would have made a more amazing focal point. It woulda been real loud, too. Margaret says for her, the placement of the fans just reminded her of the ass-end of a city bus… ROFL!!!

Eddie FuckeRoss: Jon-Jon says that Eddie really surprised them this week (but the way he says it sounds like a back-handed compliment… and anything back-handed where Eddie is concerned is okey-fine with me!) but feels Eddie’s color scheme is where he fell down. Kelly says that she liked the way he applied some of the futuristic artwork, but overall it made her think of “Granny Gone Wild”. Eddie just laughs and says “Is that a video?”…

…why, yes, Eddie… yes it is a video…

Nasal Natalie: Margaret thought her ideas were fun (like sticking a random lever on the wall) but they didn’t come across as “a finished product”, and Kelly thought the big black bookcase in the front with the random accessories looked like it wasn’t planned out. Damn, she should have gone for the strip-club idea instead!

Silver Spoon Andrea: Jonathan liked her idea of a “modular space” but says it pretty much “felt like a room of today.” Kelly says she wanted to see more futuristic, and what she got was just furniture in a pretty pink room. Andrea then goes into the Saga Of The Cabbage Lamp That Wouldn’t Stay Glue-Gunned Together. She’s alleging that she needed to be a rocket scientist to put it together. I’m alleging she just needed to put Tab A into Slot B and it prolly would have worked, but without the Evil Vegetable Lamp what else could she blame her crappy room on? Zzzzzzzzzz.

The designers are dismissed and it’s time for private rippage.

…”No, seriously, my feet are cold…”…

They think Natalie is just not at the same level as the other designers because of her inexperience, and Maggie calls her efforts “sad”.

Jon-Jon says he loves Andrea’s idea of the living modules, but India surprises me when she blurts “You didn’t think it was rather a lazy solution that inside you can keep to your classic twee sensibilities and then you can say that outside it’s all futuristic?” Jonathan looks like he’d like to stab India in the neck right about now, but I think she’s got a good point. Margaret says she didn’t understand the whole food-through-the-window-thing, but she thinks Andrea is trying. No she’s not, but she sure has them fooled.

Jonathan goes on to say that Preston’s always looks finished and clean, and then brings up how Eddie never takes any of their criticism to heart, and always has a sass-back ready (well, duh, you guys are just fucking judges, big whoop!). Get him, Jonny-boy!

They say Ondine’s rooms always create “a mood”. Yes, a suicidal one. She should never be allowed to use sharp objects in her design spaces. Or electricity. And lastly, Kelly loves Nathan’s Chinet Art Wall, but Margaret didn’t like it so much. He’s not gonna invite you over for a beer, Maggie… he’s saving himself for Daddy Carpenter!

And the winner of today’s challenge… is Prettyboy Preston! Good choice! Next time rip your shirt off as part of your victory dance. My boyfriend made me write that. It turns out the boys rocked this challenge, as Eddie and Nathan both are also safe, and the queens all leave the Red Room.

Tonight’s losing contestant… is Nasal Natalie! Ohhh, she’s getting a little bit weepy. Why is this tearing my heart out to see her like this?…

…she still looks a tad wacky, but trust me, she’s tearing up…

As she walks back into the room with the other designers and they see her crying, everyone rushes in for a group hug. No, I’m not crying, I just got some dust in my eye for a second! Stop staring at me. *snif* Okay, I’m gonna miss Wacky Nat and her being pessed about stuff, and her goofy outfits and her raccoon-eye makeup. I didn’t realize how much I liked her until she was sent home. At least she’s having a positive attitude, hopeful that this will be a springboard to an even better design career, and she’s grateful for all that she learned. I think I’m going to always remember her like this…

…who else could have so much fun with paint?…

And there you have it! Next week someone is apparently asking to be sent home. Gee, who could that ever be?!? Oh, and Eddie will still be a shitdick, too. Ho hum.

What did you think of this episode? Should Andrea have been sent home instead? Or does she need some more airtime to whine about how hard everything is for her? Are you starting to pick out your winners? Do you hope Martha realizes what a little monster she has on her hands and offloads his ass? Me too!

Okay, that’s it, I’m off to bed, and then to Los Angeles tomorrow to hang out with another of the Gasmii… love to everybody!

love, J-Mo