Top Design: Jeff Lewis Gets The Primo Burn Of The Season

My BFF and I attended our high school’s 20-year reunion this past weekend (Go Cardinals!… or… whatever the hell our mascot was) and although I worked out obsessively and ate nothing but Tic-Tacs and Diet Dr. Pepper for the entire week before the event, I somehow did not magically lose the extra 60 pounds I’m carrying, become CEO of a Major Corporation or invent Post-It Notesâ„¢ or Wite-Outâ„¢. So I had to go as myself… fat, gay, with a dead-end job and a side hobby of dancing backup for drag queens and writing cutting recaps of Bravo reality shows… and I discovered that, in the grand scheme of things, all of that was really okay, because I’m not Eddie Ross…

…I’ve been waiting for this screencap all season…

In tonight’s next-to-last episode of this fabulous second season of Top Design we come to find out that our boy Eddie falls into the classic category of He Who Can Dish It Out, But Cannot Take It, Nathan does drag (urp!), Ondine can’t sew, Preston is still pretty, and Jeff Lewis is back to favor us with his priceless facial expressions. If this recap is at all late, it is because of him begging for screencaps, so please do not kvetch at me, K? Time to get some real satisfaction out of this show after the jump!I have to say that I was actually surprised last week at the emerging Clique Of Inferiority Complex (Black Eye Nathan and Eddie InsecuRoss) against our Prettyboy Preston… I’m super disappointed in Nathan for buying into that, because up until this point he was edging into likeable territory, and now I’m just thinking that he’s a great big booger. With a perpetual shiner.

Of course, this made Preston’s two-in-a-row win even sweeter, especially when you consider that Eddie CornholeRoss tried to screw him over in the whole Swarovski Crystal Chandelier Selection Process. Didn’t work out so well for Eddie in the end, did it? I’m finding it more and more telling that he seems to lean so heavily on his Marthaness that he appears to not have a true style of his own, other than aping hers.

We begin this episode with Eddie shirtless, but for once it appears he’s pulled his pants up because there’s no ass-crackage…

…I’m not religulous, but I thank You anyhow Sweet Jesus…

SexOndineCity is ruminating on the fact that she actually lost the last challenge, but that Silver Spoon Andrea selflessly martyred herself so that Ondine could actually get a second chance (okay, really, like her seventeenth chance, because she’s sucked shit through a tube in a lot of these challenges). Ondine says she feels like she should “win this thing for Andrea”. She’s conveniently forgetting that Andrea hemmed and hawed for several hours over having stupidly painted herself into that unenviable corner when she hesitantly suggested she “might” want to go home. Don’t kid yourself Ondine, it’s quite clear Andrea really wanted to stay, but even she couldn’t bring herself to be that big of a bitch.

Speaking of big bitches, here comes Bald Bitch Black Eye Nathan, and he’s got a cake because it’s Eddie BigBitchRoss’ Birthday! Eddie is thrilled, “So Nathan comes walking into the Loft and there I see a birthday cake… on fire!”

…it’s not really “on fire” Eddie… they’re called “candles”…

Although, you know, if anything was actually going to catch on fire…

…would you pee on him to put him out?…

I might. Especially if I ate asparagus the night before. Anyhow, it looks like somebody (I suspect his BFF Nathan) bought him a new “rugby vest”. Funny, I thought a “rugby vest” was worn by players of the actual sport, not some prissy-ass tweed thing, but if Eddie thinks it makes him look butch, who am I to disabuse him of this delusion? Eddie’s saying how Nathan and Ondine and him get along super-super-well… he says this is because they’re “New York”… and then there’s Preston, who’s just different because he’s “L.A.” I had no idea that Top Design had turned into an all-out East Coast vs. West Coast battle…

…doesn’t anybody remember what happened the last time we got into this kind of turf war?…

Eddie confirms my suspicions as he tells us Preston “is not part of the posse.” Um, okay, which group would you rather spend time with, eh Gasmii? The smarmy snotfaced dickbag know-it-all, the horny bald uggo and the hard-faced gal who’s never heard of either conditioner or combs?…. or the guy who looks like it might actually be fun to have sex with?

…Awwww, keep ya head up, girl!…

Preston admits, “I’m not really close to anyone in this competition. I definitely need time alone and appreciate time alone, and I’ve had none… zero. That’s probably one of the most frustrating things for me personally.” Tell me! I’m not sure how omnipresent the camera crews are on this show, but I’d be willing to bet that he’s not even been able to have a quiet solitary bout of self-lovin’… that would frustrate the hell out of me, too, that’s for sure!…

…can you blame him? I bet Natey and Eddie are always peering around corners at him, too!…

I know my BF would be, as well, but I don’t blame him for that. I’d have been hanging out near Big Daddy’s room. I miss you, Ker-Bear! Anyhow, as they’re leaving Eddie makes the incredibly astute observation “God, it’s only four of us, you guys!” For some reason, it still takes two Range Rovers to get them to today’s destination, which is a row of pseudo-brownstonish townhomes called “Buenaterra” which loosely translates to “Good Earth”. I hope there are no sinkholes or fault-lines lurking about.

Ah, but India Hicks is lurking in front of them, and she’s wearing the highest-waisted pants I’ve seen since my Grandpa decided belts were for upper bellies…

…”How do you like my chastity belt? Does it take your mind off of my bony bronzed solar plexus?”…

This is the site of the challenge that will determine the Final Three. This is different from last year’s Final Two Face-Off between Gay Dad and that Carisa-chick (neither of whom have made guest appearances this season, Praise Jesus Some More!). They will be asked to design one room in the townhomes over the course of two days… and this is just a prelude to the FINAL challenge, which is going to be designing the entire three-bedroom house from top to bottom!

SexOndineCity says she designs entire houses all the time, and that it can take up to a year to do a whole house. In what universe??!? If someone told me they couldn’t finish redesigning my modest three-bedroom home in under 12 months I’d say they’d better develop a methamphetamine habit and get a move on! I think you’re going to have to adjust your normal snail’s pace for this one, Ondi…

They’ll have two days and the budget for the room is $20,000.00… and only three of them will convince the judging panel to let them finish the entire house (with a remaining budget of $65,000.00!). They get 90 minutes to plan… Eddie InferioRoss says the thing he misses most about his apartment is “the master bedroom… and the luxury of sleeping in a big bed with beautiful linen in a very easy, breezy, nothing crazy going on, muted colors, but very elegant… it’s all very summery, you know, out in the Hamptons, New York ((and… wait for it, here comes the dickish part!)) … ssssssuuuper-rich!”…

…Instead of viewing this as Eddie’s “I’m-So-Rich-I’ve-Just-Orgasmed-Face” I would like you all to indulge me in viewing it as Eddie’s “Oh-My-God-J-Mo-Just-Kicked-Me-A-Good-One-In-The-Balls-Face”, K?…

Okay, I will break down here and be honest, Eddie and I do have one thing in common, I do love me some fine bed linens, Egyptian cotton is one of my favorite things to fall asleep on, and I don’t mind shelling out for good quality high-thread-count stuff… (and before anybody gets cute and points out the obvious, the fact is that Eddie and I are both really into penises other than our own, so I guess it’s really two things we have in common, and trust me, the similarities end there)…

HOWEVER it just makes me want to take a staple gun to Eddie’s scrotum when he’s being all snootysnobbish about design and basically seems to espouse the viewpoint that if it cost a lot of money, then it’s automatically tasteful design… have you seen the interiors of some of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta McMansions? Taste is relative and subjective, to be sure, but lots of cash often brings lots of tack-o-rama shit.

Anyhow, because he’s so enamored of his own bedroom at home (which they do not show any photograhic evidence of) he’s decided he’s going to design the master bedroom of his townhome. Woop-de-doo.

Prettyboy Preston, on the other hand, has decided to tackle the “family room” right off of the kitchen in his place…. his plan is that if he can’t find a dining room set he likes, he will use living room furniture instead. Thinking ahead there, Pres! Please get hot and sweaty and disrobe a little while you work. At least your shirt. My BF would appreciate it. Thanks. Love, J-Mo

He’s talking about doing his usual “contemporary meets traditional” stuff, and holy shit, they showed the inside of Preston’s house! Here is my favorite room…

…I think that’s my mom’s old couch from the sixties!…

It turns out that Preston’s dad was a carpenter who just passed away last year… but instead of whipping up a batch of fake reality show tears and blowing kisses to the sky (like some douchesuedebags on some other Bravo shows undoubtedly would have done) Pres simply says that his dad taught him about construction and design and actually gave him a head start on his career with those skills. Well done, Preston!

Much less heartwarming (and infinitely more obsessive-compulsive) is Black Eye Nathan reminiscing about how as a 10-year-old he would practice his “vacuum lines” on his mom’s townhouse carpeting and creatively fan out her Cosmopolitan magazines on the coffee table. He believes this means interior design came naturally to him. I believe this means Nathan was a sad and creepy little 10-year-old boy.

Natey-boy thinks the master-bedroom is a great “showpiece” in a house. Really? Because I never let anybody into my master bedroom (unless they’re there for a damned good reason, like sex, or installing cable, or hopefully both). I’m guessing Nathan doesn’t have a pile of cat-hair covered underwear adorning the corner of his boudoir (don’t ask me why the kitties like to sleep on top of Undie Hill, they’re weird). Oddly enough, they show photos of Nathan’s New York home, but none of his bedroom (maybe he has an Undie Hill after all, although I would suspect it’s more like Porn Mountain)… here’s what his living room looks like, though…

…that picture looks like Mr. Peanut got flash-fried and lost an eye…

I’m more disturbed by the silver-plated handgun pointing at the ceiling on the far right. Is that a cigarette lighter? Well, he did say he was a “smoke-a-lete”. Instead of doing his usual cracked-out methy-acidy inspired weirdness, Nathan says he wants to design the master bedroom in his townhouse to be fresh and elegant and “do something that the judges haven’t seen from me!” Like demonstrating refined taste, perhaps? How sweet that the Gruesome Twosome are going to design edzackly the same room… they really are besties!

SexOndineCity, on the other hand, is going to tackle one of the tiny guest bedrooms, and just to prove that this show isn’t entirely run by gays, the camera crew gives us a hefty cleavage shot…

…I guess Ondine’s gotta double-bag the twins when she’s working…

Our last remaining Strong Empowered Female Designer (Who’s Doing It All For Silver Spoon Andrea) says she thinks it’s a real art to design in small spaces. Yeah, it’s probably cheaper, too, which is actually kind of a smart move on her part (provided she doesn’t go knuts with the knick-knacks and bric-a-brac and curios). They give us some shots of Ondine’s house, and we get to see her bedroom…

…all it needs is a Swarovski “Light Testicle”…

Actually, I kind of like Ondine’s personal taste (although the bedside lamps are a tad too “ribbed-for-her-pleasure” to fit within my own aesthetic comfort-zone). Ondi says that in NYC second bedrooms are often “glorified closets” so she’s familiar with having to multitask the space to be an office, storage and a place for guests to sleep. I’m wondering if her crampy New-York-East-Coast sensibilities are going to translate to the foreign country of Los-Angeles-West-Coast-Housing. We (and Andrea Schroder) can only hope.

Back over in ICouldGiveLessOfAShitAboutTopDesignLand Eddie CavalieRoss is still pissed off about the judging panel wanting a “wow factor” in the last challenge and insists he doesn’t care what the judges want… “For this challenge I’m in it for me… I’m in it to do what I can do!”…

…which is, apparently, to put this face as close to Martha Stewart’s anus as possible…

They’re off to a place called “Plantation” where they’ve got two whole hours to blow their allotted 20K, and Nathan says that the tension is rather subdued, manifesting itself in “smiles and daggers” as the four of them have to tag the things they’re wanting to buy or someone else will purchase the item out from under them…

…umm, I don’t think anybody is going to fight you for this lovely pewter skull, Nathan!…

However, our boy Eddie CallHerMissRoss is getting seriously irritated by the apparent sea of tags with a discreet “P” on them and decides to get all bitchy about it…

…You better hope he didn’t also tag a decorative baseball bat, birthday boy!…

It’s unclear to me whether or not Preston actually tagged something that Eddie really wanted or if he’s just mad with a sickly hateful lust for Preston’s pecs, but Eddie’s clearly upset, “Preston has his stickers on everything! It’s sooo infuriating!” Yeah, so is unrestrained self-aggrandizement and excessive conceit, Eddie, but as usual, you fail to grasp the parallel…

Also failing to grasp what a shitdickface Eddie is being is SexOndineCity, who just thinks it’s so amazing to watch Eddie selecting his “very, very specific aesthetic” and thinks his attention to detail is “spot-on”. I’d agree with her, but I still have both my vision and my memory, and I haven’t forgotten the Vomitous Leafy Funeral Glitter-Box Parlor from last week already.

Oh well, time’s up at the Plantation, and apparently they are being taken to a second location to do some shopping, a place called “Jaxon” (which is a place that I will never, ever, ever, ever shop in because at one point Eddie gave a classic sneer and said “I love this store!”… besides, “Jaxoff” sounds much more like more my kind of place). Eddie may love it, but apparently SexOndineCity isn’t having such an easy time there because she’s so damned disorganized. She’s swearing and the sales staff look like they’re afraid of her matted greasy unwashed hair and her Punky Brewster Primary Color wardrobe…

…if Ondine would just get her hands on some Prell, people would stop making these faces at her!…

In the end it comes down to yet another instance of her having to hurriedly read through one of her damned illegible “lists” to a frightened saleslady at the last minute, and now she’s just hoping she got everything she needed. I’ve never seen anyone else in this competition who gets more flustered and freaked out shopping than Ondine does… I bet she’d have been a real train wreck over on “Supermaket Sweep”, huh?

Their last stop is at the Top Design Showroom, and I overheard Eddie speaking in a Miss Swan Asian Lady Accentâ„¢ as he says “I t’ink I got everyt’ing right hee-uh!” I used to speak like Miss Swan a lot, too, right up until the night I accidentally did it in a Chinese restaurant just as our Real Asian Lady waitress came to take our food order. I think my hot’n'sour soup wound up with a little Shug Avery pee in it, and I never made that mistake ever again.

It’s nighttime and back at the dumpy Union Lofts, the remaining contestants are celebrating Eddie’s birthday (as Eddie says) “by having hard liquor… Whoooo!”…

…I’d pretty much stay drunk all the time if I had to live with this asshole…

As if he hasn’t made this point several times already, Eddie’s needlessly expositing how he gets along with everybody there except for Preston. “It’s just, you know, we’re not gonna be best friends!” and he giggles dickishly. I guess this is because Preston doesn’t wanna do tequila shots and Jäger bombers with them… but it turns out there’s a reason for that, as Preston interviews his recently departed father died of alcoholism.

Wow, that’s a pretty intimate disclosure for someone as carefully cautious as Pres seems to be…. and here I was thinking he just didn’t want to get drunk with them because Eddie and Nathan are being a pair of giant hairy shitballs to him (with Ondine as their Third Assketeer) which I think is an equally valid reason for opting out. Besides, I’m thinking perhaps he’s a little smarter for going to bed early on the eve of the Semi-Final Challenge, you know? Better rested heads make better design decisions…

Back over with the Party People, Eddie DrinksLikeMissRoss is telling Black Eye Nathan to go put on his wig and his hotpants (!!!) and before you can say “scary drag” Nathan appears on my TV screen wearing a black curly wig, green leotard and a pair of black tights…

…I have to wonder why on earth he would have packed that wig…

Black Eye Nathan explains, “So, after we had a few margaritas, all of a sudden I was the host of Top Design… iiiin Japan!” and they cut to him stumbling around and slurrily speaking in pidgin English as Eddie and Ondine cackle at the top of their lungs. Niiiiiice. I learned a loooong time ago never to be drunk when there are video cameras around, because stuff you might think is hysterical when you’re plastered is usually just stupid and annoying when you’re sober…

…Exhibit A…

SexOndineCity, on the other hand, is just so glad she’s found herself some gays and gives them both a glowing review: “Nathan is hysterical! Cracks me up all the time. Eddie is super-high-energy. He’s someone who is sort of larger than life and I really can embrace that. I’m sure maybe some people can’t, but, uh… I think he’s kinda fabulous.” I’m guessing Ondine was still drunk when she filmed that interview.

And speaking of large smelly buttholes, Eddie’s going on some more about how Preston never made an effort to be buddies with them, “I just feel like he got on the wrong bus!” Gee, would that be the “BoozeCruiser To Assinineia”? Oh look, here are Black Eye Nathan and Eddie SoonToBeHungOveRoss together in the confessional and speaking in Drunkenese making fun of Preston!

Eddie slurs, “I would say that Preston is like… ((to Nathan)) you have to blow your muscles up and I”ll do his lips…”

…funny how they’re still under the impression that this makes Preston look bad…

After asserting that it’s Prettyboy Preston who has the most swelled head in the house, Eddie notes that in order for Nathan’s scrawny chest to become more fully Prestonized, “I need to shave you! He shaaaaaaaves! ((to the camera)) He spends all. Morning. Long.” Weirdly enough, a striking moment of clarity ensues as Eddie suddenly realizes “Now we’re gonna sound like petty fags…” and they stumble off camera to go pass out in each other’s arms (I hope one of them pukes on the other during the night)…

It’s the next day, and here’s a welcome sight…

…Thank You, Jesus!…

…followed by an equally unwelcome sight…

…I take it back, Jesus!…

Black Eye Nathan (whose under-eye-bags have doubled in size since the previous night) says that he really wants to prove to the judges that he’s more than just a “jagged edge, fluorescent colors, giant horses, paper plates on the wall designer.” He forgot to add “two-faced bitter uggo” to that menu.

They have six hours to work before judging, and overnight their rooms have been magically painted and/or wallpapered, and dear gawd what in the blue fuck did Ondine choose for her room?!?? It looks like one of those infuriating “Magic Eye” 3D pictures that were so popular in the 90′s (which, BTW, I have never once been able to see)…

…hundred bucks says she sees Andrea and the back of Rick Schroder’s head…

Ondine likes it, though, and better still, the saleslady at Jaxon was apparently able to wade through Ondine’s garbled notes, and everything she ordered actually got delivered! She’s confident that she won’t have any further problems. I’m confident that this means something’s about to go terribly wrong for her…

Almost immediately I’m proven right, as the desk that she chose for her office space won’t fit through the door! The movers try several different angles and nothing works. I’d say get an axe and some Elmer’s. Ondine considers having them dismantle the desk and bring it in in pieces, but there are no screws, the thing is already glued together… it’ll be tough to convince the judges that she’s made an office without a desk, and Ondine immediately concedes defeat and says “Okay, if nothing fits in here then… I can just stop working now.”

However, after going downstairs to look pissed and worry some more, she heads back upstairs… and somehow the desk has magically been transported inside the room! I think the movers might have been fucking with you, Ondine…

Look! Here comes her gay BFFs, Black Eye Nathan and Eddie LiaRoss to ooh and ahh and gasp and say how gorgeous and fabulous her office is looking. Their mouths may be saying they love it, but their eyes tell a truer story…

…do they really think it’s “prit” and “gorge”?…

As they leave, Eddie says “Do what you gotta do, but we wanted to just come and give you a tranny ding-dong!” Barf-O-Rama.

Hey, here’s Todd Oldma’am to give his weekly rah-rah minutes! Preston is trying to figure out if he wants to use a pair of gold-lamé antlers as objets d’art on his coffee table, and Todd thinks they’re fantastic, “They’d be one of the first things I noticed when I entered the room!” Me too, ‘cuz I’d be wondering where you can find disco deer.

Over in SexOndineCity’s teensy office, Todd actually offers some helpful criticism, “Let’s talk about this sort-of sad window thing going on, did you have a solution for that, those blinds?” Ondine is leery of trying to do a half-assed window treatment because she’s not a seamstress, but Todd is worried the judges might find the generic blinds too jarring and plain. Ondine says she’s gonna tale Todd’s advice and try…

Eddie and Todd kind of banter back and forth about whether or not he’s found that elusive “wow factor” in his room. “The judges in the past have thought you’ve sometimes been a little too subtle,” says Todd, “Do you think you’ve hit a nice zenith with this design?” Of course, Eddie hems and haws and pretty much says he doesn’t really care what the judges think, he’s not going to do something that “isn’t him”. When, oh when is this shitty attitude of his going to finally catch up to him?!?…

…”because when you work for the best, you don’t have time to worry about ‘wow factors’ or lame judges!”…

That’s fine, go ahead and do your MiniMartha thing, Eddie. I get the feeling Todd cares as much for you as you do for him.

Having had enough of Eddie’s ignunt attitude, Todd checks in with Black Eye Nathan, who says he’s going for something “not as crazy as I’ve been.” Poor Todd’s face crumples, “Ohhh, why? I love when you go crazy!” but Nathan is convinced that something less weird would be a welcome change for the judges. Todd also says he’s concerned about Nathan’s blank windows, “Throw us a curve ball with your clever constructions!” And what do you know? Todd put in a whole two minutes forty seconds tonight!

With only 90 minutes left to work, Prettyboy Preston is hanging plates on his family room wall, Nathan’s second-guessing whether doing something so normal-looking is gonna bite him in his pasty ass, and Ondine is struggling with some heavy black ugly-ass drapes she’s cobbled together, and she winds up abandoning her attempt. That window is just going to have to remain sad.

Here comes this week’s judging panel…

…I guess Kelly Worstler was too busy trying on costumes to judge this week…

In place of the fabulous Kelly, we have the return of the equally fabulous Jeff Lewis, whom India calls “Americah’s mowst famous house-flippah, and stah of ‘Flipping Out’…” Jeff actually rolls his eyes and looks a little embarrassed by her intro. Let’s see what Eddie’s dream bedroom looks like…

…like a scene straight out of Cocoon…

I keep expecting Wilford Brimley to pop up and start talking about boners. Eddie calls this “Easy Breezy” (and I’ll finish what undoubtedly is going through all of your collective heads as well… “Beautiful Cover Girl”) and says it would be in “a second home in East Hampton”. Eddie’s stolen Preston’s line and says he wanted to mix modern and traditional elements. It’s a good thing there’s a bed in there, because it’s making me sleepy.

There are reed mats covering the nightstands. India wants to know if there are drawers under there, and when Margaret gracefully lifts the mat to look at the space underneath Jeff Lewis takes his first shot of the night as he says “You know, you could work at ‘Price Is Right’, Margaret, you’re great at this!” Maggie favors him with an icy smile and says “It’s a goal of mine.” I’m giggling madly, because it is dead obvious that these two are going to be a lot of fun tonight…

Jonathan Adler wants to talk about why Eddie’s bedscaping is so unerringly white and monochromatic. Duh, Jonathan, who fucking designed it? Eddie defends his choices thusly, “I thought just keeping it all clean and white and kind of hotel-esque is better than tchotchke-ing it up with-…”

“With Jonathan Adler pillows.” finishes Jeff Lewis. Ooooooh, good one, Jeffy! Jon-Jon makes a rolly-eye face…

…Jon-Jon and Jeffy must have girl-talked about last week’s episode…

Eddie tries to go for a major ass-kiss as he says they didn’t have the option of going to Jon-Jon’s store this week and giggles madly. I’m calling bullshit. Don’t tell me the Top Design Showroom is devoid of Jonathan Adler merchandise. At any rate, I agree with the judges, that shit just looks milquetoast and boring.

Going from one dull bedroom to the next, they are visiting Black Eye Nathan’s “Elegant & Refined” snoozefest…

…Where is a giant wooden horse and big styrofoam balls when you really need ‘em?…

It’s hard to see all the weird Nathan-esquities around the room because they’re muted by that relentless cornflower-blue-and-white color scheme, but he’s got his pewter skull in there, some random driftwood, and instead of fresh-cut flowers in a jar, he put giant nails…

…having literal nine-inch nails this handy would not be a good idea for when the BF and I are fighting…

Nathan girlishly giggles and says there is “sort of a sexual influence” in the space. India immediately comments, “Well, it would be worrying if there wasn’t, Nathan!” I agree. As long as Nathan’s working out his sexual influences in his designs, that hopefully means he’s not working them out with other people.

On the other hand, Jon-Jon is not picking up on that, “Where is the sexual influence?” he asks. “Everywhere!” insists India. Jeff Lewis points at the bouquet of nails and says “Look how phallic that is! I mean, you’ve been staring at it the entire time we’ve been in the room and you’re pretending like you don’t notice it!” LOL #2 goes to Jeffy-poo!

Next they make their way over to Prettyboy Preston’s lounge off of the kitchen that he’s actually calling “Contemporary Meets Traditional”…

…more like “Preston Meets Hotel Lobby (Again)”…

I’m just kidding, actually I like what he did a lot, although you can totally tell that Preston has no fat friends, because that furniture is so crammed in there that once one of us big boys sat down on the couch we’d never be able to leave again without displacing everyone else in the room. This leads to having to ask people to get you constant food and drink refills (and possible clandestine peeing in the potted plants).

Margaret wants to know why he glued plates to the wall instead of using artwork, and Pres explains, “Because we’re by the kitchen! I thought that it was kind of cool to have that asymmetry, so I think that the simplicity of it is easy and soothing on the eye. That’s me, I guess…” India the Pistol grins and jumps in with “You ahh easy and soothing on the eye, Preston, nevah doubt it!”

Jeff Lewis pipes up at this point, “For those of us with no social life, where would I put the TV?” Preston reminds him that this is the family-room-slash-lounge, so the TV would go in the downstairs living room. Jeff responds, “I see. Well, you’ve designed this for you, so… you obviously have… a life…”

…something tells me Jeffy would like to be a part of it, too…

After the awkward moment of Jeff’s declaration of life-deficiency, they leave and make their way to SexOndineCity’s “Modern & Graphic” office-slash-guest-room…

…Salt an’ Pepa’s here and it’s in effect!…

Ondine once again trots out her it’s-so-much-harder-to-design-a-small-space-than-a-big-one line, and says how that busy-ass wallpaper makes the room look bigger. Right away Jonathan Adler nails her on her naked window with “Did you think about doing drapery treatment?” and to her credit Ondine admits she tried, it sucked, and she abandoned it. Next Jon-Jon wants to know if she considered a throw pillow or two to break up the black’n'white, and Ondine counters that it made it “too busy” (as if the wallpaper doesn’t already accomplish that by itself). I still can’t believe that she won’t wash or even brush her hair in preparation for meeting with the judges…

…I guess looking a hot mess somehow gives others confidence in her design skills?…

And with that, the judges retreat, the contestants wash up and they reconvene in the Red Room. Here’s how it all broke down…

Black Eye Nathan: Margaret loves the fact that he “took on the bathroom” (huh? All he did was hang a mirror and put a giant Triffid-like orchid in there, and he gets points for having “done” the bathroom?!?!) but unfortunately she liked that better than what he did in the bedroom itself! Jonathan thinks the clunky four-poster bed did not have “a dialogue” with the rest of the room, which makes me giggle because this is what always comes into my head when he says shit like that…

…nothing worse than a stuck-up Serta…

And here’s where Nathan goes all weaselly on us as he makes his excuses, “I mean, I hate to use the word ‘stuck’, but I had this bed that I just kind of had to work around…” What?!? Correct me if I’m wrong (and when it comes to this show I often am) but didn’t he pick all the furniture out himself? He’s acting like someone forced that mute piece of shit on him, which I guess is a clever attempt to make it the bed’s fault and not Nathan’s… Umm, nice try, but…

He’s almost begging now, “I wanted you to see that I’m capable of doing a pretty room…” Margie cuts him off with “To me, pretty rooms aren’t memorable!” and that shuts Nathan up pretty good. Nice one, Margaret!

Prettyboy Preston: he gets immediate love from Jonathan for the polished space, Margaret loved his use of textures and says she thinks he created a really swank and sophisticated room. Eddie (in his stupid bow tie and popped suit-coat collar) looks like he could just chew on one of Nathan’s nine inch nails when he hears that…

…because that’s the kind of compliment that he believes he deserves…

Jeff Lewis goes even further as he declares “You have good taste… ya just do!” His only complaint is that he felt there were one too many pieces of furniture in the room (particularly the orange bench) but Preston maintains he needed it there for the splash of color. Margaret goes on to echo that Prettyboy has “exquisite taste” and ohhh, boy, I bet the insides of Eddie’s cheeks have been flayed to ribbons hearing all this praise for this L.A.-bred-non-reindeer-gayming-no-effort-putting-wrong-bus-getting-flat-out-nemesis of his!

Jonathan concludes that Pres just needs to add a little bit more personality to his design to make it a little more memorable. I’d vote for the shirtless variety meself…

SexOndineCity: Jonathan says he felt happy walking into her room, but says the black’n'white wallpaper juxtaposed with the white wall made it feel “naked”. I don’t see anything wrong with that… you know, except where Eddie and Nathan are concerned. He also says that one teensy throw-pillow on her sofa would have been really nice.

Jeffy disagrees and thinks that checkerboard chicks are hot right now, Ondine is keeping up with the times! Margaret thinks she made a series of great decisions and edited herself perfectly this week…

…Ondine is thrilled?…I guess?…

I dunno why she’s grimacing, they’re actually liking her work this week (for a change)!. Never mind that, it’s time for the moment I’ve been waiting for all season long with…

Eddie EldeRoss: Choosing his words ever so carefully, Jonathan says “Not… the… youngest or most personal room I’ve ever encountered.” Eddie says “I wanted the whole house to feel that easy, breezy ((God, am I sick of hearing that phrase from this twerpy little shitdick’s yapper)) cool, very comfortable-…”

Not choosing his words carefully at all, Jeff Lewis interrupts him with, “I can appreciate your individual sense of style ((slight tinge of sarcasm there)) but I’m having trouble relating to your style. I think it’s very specific.” And now, my dearest Gasmii, Jeff Lewis becomes my hero as he goes ahead and gets the primo burn of this entire season when he continues, “I think it skews an older demographic… and by older I mean walkers, bedpans and oxygen tanks…”

…”…and let’s not forget urine-soaked adult diapers!”…

“…and that’s what I’m having trouble getting over!” he finishes. Jeff, honey, I love you. The reactions from all around are literally priceless…

…Margaret looks like she’s trying to keep from LOLing…

…while Nathan didn’t even bother trying (nice BFF there, huh, Eddie?)…

…and Eddie himself struggles in utter disbelief…

Margaret tries to salvage Eddie’s ginormous ego a bit as she says he did a really strong, traditional, classically styled room (she graciously leaves off “for a Florida nursing home”) but she says they need to see his personality. “You have a big personality, and I would like to see surprises… do you have surprises in the rest of the house?”

You can see Eddie’s wheels have just been completely blown as he struggles to answer her, saying uncertainly “Umm, yeah, I think I do, I mean, with more shopping-…” Maggie cuts him short, “But decorating isn’t just shopping!” and Eddie just mumbles “Mm-hmm.”

Jonathan Adler takes his turn at this gang-bang as he says he thinks it’s great that Eddie stands up for what he believes in but that he doesn’t put enough thought into his design, “You just head into your safe zone, which I think is what we saw today!” Eddie’s just smiling his tight little smile and nodding, but I’m sure inside his head he is yowling inarticulately at this unappreciation of his geriatric stylings.

India dismisses the designers and in the Top Design studio Eddie heads right for the beer fridge whining “I dunno, I’m just so tired!”…

…it doesn’t feel so good hearing people say you suck now, does it, Eds?…

Back in the Red Room, after the judging panel gives general bunches of candy, hearts and flowers to Prettyboy Preston’s and SexOndineCity’s rooms, India takes a deep breath and says “Well, let’s talk about Eddie… Jeff I think you definitely need to start us off!”

Taking a deep breath, Jeff lets loose, “Okay, look what he’s wearing, first of all! When he walks in, I can tell, like… you can match the clothing to the room! Did you notice that?” India smiles, sadly shakes her head, closes her eyes and quietly says “Yep.”

…Jeff is horrified by the thought that Eddie is probably wearing granny-panties…

Margaret looks annoyed that Jeff pointed this out. Jonathan jumps in and says “I felt like Eddie just has sort of like a big vat of Traditional with a fire hose and just sort of sprays a room with it… it ends up feeling impersonal!” Not to mention damp, Jon-Jon! Margaret attempts to play Asshole Advocate and jumps to Eddie’s defense, “The truth is, he is adept, he knows what he’s doing, he’s capable of more! He hits all the points that we think of when we’re thinking about a well-designed room…” Jeff looks like he strongly disagrees…

…or he’s still smelling urine-soaked adult diapers…

Jeff Lewis continues, “I just don’t get his style, and I don’t think he has good taste. I just don’t!” Margaret retorts, “It’s not your taste, that doesn’t mean it’s bad taste!” Jeff replies, “I’m not saying it’s my taste, I’m just saying I’m judging his taste… I like everybody else’s taste!” Margaret volleys back, “But his style and taste is really very different from the other three designers!” Jeff responds, “And I like the other three designers!”…

…oooh, I’m sensing a slapfight about to break out!…

Taking a different tack, Maggie says “I would like to see him do something that’s sexy!” India questions this, “But can he do ‘sexy’?” I just barfed a little, and Jeff Lewis explodes, “No, he can’t! LOOK AT HIM!”

…This is Jeff Lewis attempting to reconcile the words “Eddie” and “sexy” in the same sentence…

Margaret boils over, “He’s creating well-done rooms, they’re good rooms, they’re rooms that make sense, they’re rooms that are pragmatic, they’re rooms that really address the points of the challenge!” Now Jeff is flat-out gaping at Maggie like she just sprouted a giant penis from the end of her nose…

…which would give new meaning to the term “dickface”…

She finishes her harangue with “It’s about good design… Eddie is a talented designer!” Jeff just shakes his head glumly and mutters, “Sorry…”

And speaking of Ol’ Dickface, over in the holding area the little leprechaun is holding forth, “I don’t think they know jack! Oh my God, come on!… In one ear, out the other!”…

…at least the voices in his head are still telling him he’s awesome…

And then in a petulant display of childish fury, Eddie ImmatuRoss licks his finger and tells the judges to “Go… sit’n'spin!” and giggles madly while flipping them the bird (behind their backs, in another room). I’m sure they’ll all appreciate seeing that later on, Eds…

…Ooh, obscene finger-gestures from such a pristine girl!…

You know, for someone who has insisted on telling everyone this entire season that he doesn’t care what the judges think, that he doesn’t care what the other contestants think, and that, in fact, he doesn’t care about Top Design in the slightest, Eddie sure seems to be upset by all this criticism. I find his utter transparency to be highly amusing and his complete lack of self-awareness is both comical and a little sad.

Funnier still, none of the other three designers are really responding to his impotent raging (God, Preston must have one helluva poker face!) and even Black Eye Nathan isn’t saying anything, he’s barely managed to give Eddie a look of fake sympathy and sick disgust mixed together…

…looks like someone’s come to the realization they may have mistakenly aligned with the wrong queerboy…

Speaking of Black Eye, back over in the RedRum Room, India suggests they talk about Nathan before purses start flying everywhichway. Margaret says she thought his room was awful because he’s such a talented designer! Jon-Jon agrees that Nathan fell down in a lot of ways, but believes if they let him design the whole house there will be tons and tons of delicious suprises… “but, it could be a disaster!” I say proceed at your own risk, O Top Design Judges, but be prepared to find broken glass, blood and possibly severed limbs as some of those “surprises”…. and with that, they’ve reached a decision and we go to commercial…

Tonights viewer poll was all about Eddie and whether or not he’s worthy of his Economic-Bailout-Sized Ego, but when the results screen came on, after spinning through the numbers and me praying for Choice B to have at least an 85% or higher, we were left with this…

…that was a dirty fucking trick, Bravo!…

Yup, they didn’t bother to post the results! That fucking blank screen just faded away, and I guess we’ll have to wait for the damned finale to find out! I literally screamed and threw a fun-sized Snickers at the TV. Then I picked it up off the floor and ate it (five second rule!).

Now that everyone is assembled back in the Red Room, it’s time for ecstacy and heartbreak. This week there is no actual “winner” of the challenge, the designers are just awarded spots in the finale. And the first two to be given those spots are… SexOndineCity and Prettyboy Preston! Yay for Sex and Pretty! After this announcement, India lets Ondine and Pres leave. It did not escape me that Preston went over and gave a hug to Black Eye (who stole a kiss while Prettyboy was so close to him) and pretty much just walked by Eddie without a word. HA!

Wow, so the Gruesome Twosome Of BFFs is about to be broken up! I can hardly believe it as Jonathan recaps their talents and faults, saying Eddie is really consistent but too often designs with the Maintenance Meds Mob in mind, and Nathan takes a lot of wild risks, but crashes and burns just as often as he scores. He finishes with “We have made a decision…”

At this point I turned to my boyfriend and said “Nathan’s the one going home. Eddie’s a dick, but he’s just too much reality television platinum for them to let him go now…” and sure enough, after the usual tensely pregnant pause, India looks over at him and says “Nathan…”

Dammitall! Eddie’s getting that smug-ass smirk on his pinched little anus-face again as his ego inflates to ever more grandiose dimensions and he starts thinking of something nasty to say about his soon-to-be-departed frenemy..,

And then India continues with “Congratulations! You are going on through to the finale…” OMG, total fake-out! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How ya like ‘em now, Eddie DepartuRoss?!?! My BF and I were holding hands and jumping up and down in a circle while shrieking with joy and delight… Good one, Bravo! It almost makes up for pulling that shit with the Poll Results…

Of course, Eddie fake-smiles even wider as he walks over to congratulate Nathan, while blackly murderous thoughts towards everyone connected with this show are no doubt racing through his feverish mind. Also, his final interview wouldn’t be complete without him pretending he’s soooo relieved that he’s finally going to get to go back to MarthaWorld, and that he doesn’t regret anything that he’s done or said to anyone on the show…

…I’m just ecstatic that this is the last time I have to screencap his nasty mug this season…

He continues his sour-grapes whinemaking as he says “Top Design didn’t change anything about the way I design at all! I think it really made me think about how lucky I am and the quality of work that I’m able to produce… I have great style, I have great taste, and I’m really multi-talented!” Yes, and he also wasn’t good enough to win a reality TV show, brought shame and further tarnish to the Martha Stewart Brandâ„¢ and managed to annoy and irritate millions of people he doesn’t even know! Way to accomplish stuff, Eddie!

Prime example, his last words are: “Yeah, Eddie Ross is bigger than Top Design… Top Design is not the last you’re going to see of me…” True, I imagine his mug shot for shooting Martha after she fires him will be his swan song…

Once again, I was dead wrong (as well as Eddie himself!) and Bravo pulled another fakeout! Next week, during the finale of Season Two of Top Design, we see a door opening and the Final Three begin to freak out as they see who has walked through it… I immediately guessed that this was where they rub salt in the wounds of the Dearly Eliminated Designers and force them to come back and help someone else win a hundred grand… and I was right, but even I could not have imagined this…

…like Michael Myers, cockroaches and The Clap, he just keeps coming back!…

And even more evil? It looks like he’s being forced to help Prettyboy Preston, as we’re treated to this teaser-line, “If Preston asks me to get him a cup of coffee, I’m gonna tell him to go fuck himself!” Oooooh, no they DI-ent! You go, Bravo! I am gay-snapping all over this shit!

Wow, what did you think about this episode? Was this not one of the best ones of the history of this show? Did Jeff Lewis annihilate Eddie or what? Wouldn’t you kill to know what Martha thinks about all of this? And the biggest question in my mind is, will Eddie be successful in sabotaging Preston’s chances to win the top prize?

I hope everybody had a Happy Halloween, and that you all got a really good piece of candy somewhere somehow. I must also let you know that next week’s final recap is going to be a few days late because I will be driving to Las Vegas to help my “little” brother celebrate his 30th birthday (hopefully we will be drunk and puking in the gutter and not on our own shoes) and I will not be back to start working on it until Sunday, but I can’t wait, I’m really hoping for Prettyboy Preston to win!

love, J-Mo

P.S. Just a side-note… here is a picture of our group getting ready to perform for Halloween (my good friend and female impersonator Devina, plus us Fly Boyz… we did a creepy take on Rihanna’s “Disturbia”…) I guess even when I’m dead and rotting I still won’t get any thinner… *sigh*

…Happy Halloween from Devina & The Fly Zombies!…