Top Design: You Break It, You Denigrate It

In the world of Design, there is a fine line between looking chic… and looking like you take it up the ass. Well, actually, no, there really isn’t any difference between the two, and that’s why a lot of straight-male bachelor pads are probably “decorated” with generous quantities of dirt, body hair, stiff kleenex and porn…

…Captain Masturbation’s Bat-Cave…

…and on tonight’s episode of Top Design we learn that Jon-Jon thinks he knows what boys like, Eddie’s still proud to work for a convicted felon and Jeff Lewis is offended by the word “a-hole” (if he’s not the one using it)… let’s join the swatch-fest after the jump!But first, let’s take a moment to remember our dearly departed Big Daddy Ker-Bear. *snif* I am still really pissed off that he got the axe last week, especially after some of the ugly diarrhea that was flung about in some of those “window displays” (and I still can’t believe that “Rainbow Butterflies And Glowing Vulva-Vision” was the “winning design”)…

…don’t forget, there were also mirrors in there, too!…

And you know what? I’m not the only homo who is upset about Big Daddy’s departure… looks like Whatisit is still upset too as he drones, “I-feel-aw-ful-a-bout-Ker-ry’s-e-lim-in-a-tion-be-cause-he-kind-of-sac-ri-ficed-him-self-for-me-and-con-sid-er-ing-some-of-the-oth-ers-who-were-on-the-chop-ping-block-for-e-lim-in-a-tion-I-would-have-said-Sha-zi-a-pro-ba-bly-should-have-gone-home-more-so-than-Ker-ry…” And here I thought I was the Queen Of The Run-On Sentence, but I think judging from this last week’s comments the majority of the Gasmii agree with him. And you know, checking the chaos that is the NYSE, I see that WST is â–²$3.25…

Lo and behold… here comes our favorite Pakistani Princess laboring her way up the stairs now! Downtown Shazia Brown and her Fabulously Unique Set Of Inspirations interviews that she’s in the “hot seat” for this next challenge because she was in the Bottom Two (again) and says she needs to really prove to the judges that she belongs in this competition. Honey, I think you need to prove that you’re more than a whiny walking organ-donor, first…

…”No, really, I can design, I just need another 9 or 10 chances to proooove it!”…

Well, you know what they say about karma… it is a chameleon in red, gold and greeeeeeen… red, gold and greeeee-ee-ee-eeeen. And it has a long, bitter memory. Much like yours-truly. Watch your step, ShazBot…

As the Designers leave the Union Lofts, a chorus of “I miss Kerry.” is heard from Eddie BaueRoss, Prettyboy Preston and Silver Spoon Andrea! Awww, how sweet! I miss Kerry, too! I say Kerry for Fan Favorite!

India Hicks comes in wearing a giant banana-yellow blouse… and speaking of shapeless frocks, kudos go to Gasmii commenters lostinqueenanne and LNNC92 who clocked that Silver Spoon Andrea and her D-List husband were at the Emmys last weekend, and apparently she did actually buy and wear Daniel Franco’s Snotwad Bedsheet! Take that Jeffrey Sebelia! I guess nobody was willing to give you that badly-needed bus-fare for that Replicant Rip-Off of yours. Wah. JSB is â–¼$2.31.

Miz Hicks tells the designers that this week, they will be designing for clients that “desperately” need their help. Uh-oh! Grab your swatches, girls, it’s a Design Emergency! ((**Mission: Impossible Theme**)) These clients are just stumped when it comes to design and decoration… because they are bachelors… and the challenge is to “create a bachelor pad”! The designers collectively orgasm.

Downtown Shazia Brown says “Bachelors are disgusting individuals. They’re gross. My fiance’s still kind of one, I mean, he lives on his own and his house is gross, it’s so gross!” I’m sure he appreciates you telling that to a national TV audience, Shazzie…

…soon to be Shazingle…

Good luck on eHarmony. Black Eye Nathan is more hopeful. “Something with a single man! I’m thrilled about that. Maybe he’s hot and I could flirt with him…”

…A tip? Don’t use this look…

LOL, I’m liking Black Eye more and more. In other news, NTH is â–²$0.86. And it’s time to meet our clueless schlubs bachelors! First up is a cute young black man whose parents are unfortunate victims of Star Wars Mania…

…help me, Obi-Web Producer… you’re my only hope!…

Poor kid. I bet grade, middle and high school was like living on the Death Star. I’ll stop now. Next up is a smirky white-boy named James…

…ah, I see he’s training for the FAA (Future A-holes Of America)…

He’s looking mightily amused at all the blazing faggotry (and fag-haggotry) in front of him. I say fuck him up, girls. Last up, we have Eddie…

…clearly the P*ssy Magnet of the three…

How surprising that he’s an investment banker. Asians are not particularly known for their stellar math skills, you know. Way to bust the stereotype, Edster.

And oh shit, India is busting out the goddamned “paint chips” again, because this is going to be yet another team challenge! What the fuck, Bravo?!? How in the name of Cher are these people ever supposed to showcase their individual talents as designers if you keep forcing them into these stupid group competitions? So far the only solo thing they’ve done was that stupid box-frame “Pop Design” thingy from the first episode (which, by the way, we haven’t seen since). Ugh, BRV is â–¼$6.27.

Team Red is Eddie BaueRoss, SexOndineCity and Nasal Nat. They are giggling and squealing and jumping up and down in a circle. Team Blue is Silver Spoon Andrea, Twiggy Teresa and Whatisit, and they are chock full’o'Paxil Positivity. Team Green is not as thrilled…

…ugh, I don’t blame them…

Yes, Prettyboy Preston, Downtown Shazia Brown and Black Eye Nathan are on Team Green. Black Eye is just super-enthused as he says, “I was like, great, here we go again… Bad Luck Mary is on my team!” At first I was confused and thought he meant Prettyboy, but then he clarifies, “Shazia!” Well, at least he’s sexually attracted to their client, Boring Eddie.

Obi-Web Designer has landed with Team Blue, and James The A-Hole strides over to Team Red and immediately moves as far away from Eddie BaueRoss as possible…

…yup, cuz you don’t wanna risk catching the gay…

Nasal Nat is acting like she’s never been banged in a bachelor pad before as she can’t imagine what James’ apartment looks like. She imagines a neon Miller High-Life sign. I imagine Natalie has had the imprint of one of those signs across her generous ass a time or two.

Well, fuck me in half! They get $10,000.00 budget for this challenge! And two and a half days to complete it! And they’ll be provided painters, wallpaper hangers, carpenters and seamstresses! Another collective orgasm ripples through the crowd, and Eddie BaueRoss is even more excited than the rest as he says “Sweet! Cuz my hands could use a break… my hands look like a Polish Potato Farmer… during, like, the Famine!”…

…if that’s true then I wonder what his penis looks like…

Good to see there’s another history buff in the group besides Nasal Natalie! I had never heard of the Great Polish Potato Famine before! Silly me, I thought that was in Ireland. Maybe they were really mad about that whole Chinese Hiroshima thing, too. My guess is they’re more pissed off about all the Polish jokes… EDR is â–¼$0.36.

Anyhow, Silver Spoon Andrea is also quite jazzed about the news of all these tradespeople at their disposal, as she bitchily interviews “We can focus on the things we really love which is buying furniture and accessories…” I get the feeling Silver Spoon doesn’t like to get her hands dirty, either. That’s a little too much like manual labor, and that’s something only the “little people” (like Polish Potato Farmers) should do…

…let them eat cake…

Well, apparently all three of these swingin’ bachelors live in the same apartment building in West Los Angeles! What are the odds? In James’ apartment, Eddie BaueRoss notices (with some disdain) that he has a sectional sofa, bare white walls, and a giant flat-screen TV (“for his Nintendo, mind you!” exclaims Eddie). In Team Red consultation, James The A-Hole says it’s so barren in there because as a law student, he really doesn’t “have much time to, uh… decorate.” True, he’s too busy learning how to clog the justice system with frivolous litigation and make more money than the GNP of Zaire while doing it!

Anyhow, Eddie is doing his free-word-association thing again, and I hear him toss out “Wall sconces?” as an idea, and I know right away they’re totally going to Queer-Eye James’ place! Even more laughable is to hear Eddie telling James “You want it to be more sophisticated for girlssss… you want them to come over and be, like, wow, and all of a sudden they drop their pants for you! I know alllll about that!”…

…one of these people is extremely uncomfortable right now…

As James tries to meld himself into his kitchen countertop to escape from all the gay swooshing about in his apartment, Eddie is extremely proud of the oxymoronic concept he has coined called “Panty-Dropping Chic”. With emphasis on the “moronic”.

Meanwhile Team Green is meeting with Obi-Web Designer to find out more about what he likes. He says as a producer of web series, he likes to be able to have clients over and show them their videos and stuff. Hmmm, I’m wondering if his “web series” have titles like “Crunchy Taco, Hidden Strapon” and “The Drunken Masturbator” and “Curse Of The Golden Shower”? Then Obi reveals quite a bit more about himself when he mentions how much he loves “feng shui” and “the energy flowing in the space” and he talks with his hands a lot. I’m just sayin’…

…”…and we could put shelves over here for my Liza CD collection…”…

…Oh yeah, and he clipped out some pictures of some things that he liked. From Elle Decor. Mm-hmm. *snap* GAY is â–²$13.75.

Now Team Green is following Boring Eddie into his apartment where they find the severed remains of several corpses. Just kidding, it’s only one corpse! All right, he doesn’t have dead bodies littering his apartment, but he does have evidance of a slightly disturbing foot fetish… he has dozens of pairs of goofy, brightly colored shoes and sneakers on shelves… in his dining room. (I bet he keeps the stiletto boot and pump collection in the bedroom).

Ah ah ah, but even though the collection of shoes is brightly and tackily colored, Eddie insists that he is really conservative and does not like bright colors. Except for red. Blood red. Other than that, he likes bone-white only.

…I bet he stocks fava beans and a nice chianti…

Shazia smartly suggests that they just cover the racks of shoes. Eddie looks like she just suggested he amputate the head of his penis. Prettyboy and Black-Eye try to mitigate Shazia’s stupid suggestion by saying that when people walk in, they are going to smell shoes, and that that’s not such a fresh aroma to keep adjacent to your dining room area where you eat.

Consultation time is up, and as James A-hole is taking his leave of Team Red, SexOndineCity promises him that the floor is going to be littered with panties… and Nasal Natalie impishly blurts “We’ll leave Eddie’s, too!” and the designers all laugh raucously. James flees the apartment. Score for the Nasal One! NAT is â–²$2.34!

Now they have 30 minutes to choose their paint, wall covering, and fabrics. Silver Spoon is impressed that Obi-Web Designer has actually got good taste. Duh. Whatisit says they’re going to go with something more urban and “Kanye Wessss…” He continues that “He-act-u-a-lly-said-he-liked-a-lot-of-A-sian-in-spi-red-fur-ni-ture-which-of-course-is-right-up-my-alley!” and grins hugely…

…he’s hoping for something to go up his alley all right…

However, Twiggy Teresa is frustrated that Silver Spoon Andrea and Whatisit are just taking charge, and she’s once again relegated to Third Bridesmaid From The Left. Maybe if Teresa weren’t about as titillating as a textbook she’d get noticed morzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Also beginning her plethora of complaints for this episode is DownFrown Shazia Brown. Prettyboy and Black Eye are picking out colors, and when Preston pulls out one of the swatches Shazzie whines “How come when I offered that earlier you guys said it was too…?” and she trails off. Then, she answers her own question with “Cuz you’re bitches, that’s why! You’re fucking bitches!” She’s smiling as she says this, but clearly she really means it, and Prettyboy admonishes her, “Hey, there’s no reason to get like that so quick, we just started this challenge!” Oh Pres, it’s never too early for Shazia to start bitching about nothing…

…struggling for her brown voice to be heard…

Chaos erupts as they are fighting over placement of the flat-screen, Shazzie calls Preston’s idea “aweso– I mean, awful!” and Preston interviews that he can take constructive criticism, but not people yelling over everyone just for the sake of yelling. Hilariously, in the background I hear Black Eye Nathan imitating Margaret Russell with “You can’t design a room around a TV!” LOL Black Eye! NTH is â–²$1.63! He says he is playing “Switzerland” to these two pit-bulls. Best place to be, girl…

And the first store they’re going to visit is Living Spaces, with $3000 to blow in 30 minutes. You know, that’s another thing that I really hate about this show sometimes. In real life, I’m sure a designer has all fucking day to choose the perfect ottoman, but these people are forced to scramble through the store like it’s Supermarket Sweep… how about giving them, you know, a full hour? Besides, it was way more fun to watch Big Daddy run…

Speaking of which, Eddie BaueRoss proudly repeats their Team Red concept of “Panty-Dropping Chic” (ugh!) and says they already found their perfect ottoman, as well as this really super-gay-looking Asian cabinet and a table to hold the 70-inch flat-screen TV. Eddie seems puzzled that someone would need such a large TV, but he says “I guess the bigger the screen… the bigger the bewbs!”…

…this boob is big enough on a three inch screen, thankyouverymuch…

Team Blue (with concept “Masculine *snort* Zen”) seems to be working quite well together as Silver Spoon Andrea and Whatisit pretty much decide everything, leaving Twiggy Teresa as the official clock-watcher/time-announcer.

Team Green (with concept “Tailored And Conservative Axe Murderer”) on the other hand, is oil-and-watering their way through everything as usual. Downtown Shazia Brown says she told Prettyboy and Black Eye that they should stick together and tag stuff, but of course they didn’t listen to her, so they went running off and they wound up tagging all the same stuff…. “But if I tagged it… and Preston tagged it… then it was Preston’s find!” she complains. Christmas on a cracker, Shazia! What fucking difference does it make who tagged what? Let him take credit for all the tacky shit, then! God, is she annoying! SHZ is â–¼$13.83.

Black Eye Nathan says it was like babysitting. He understands that being a designer is all about collaborating, but “It just became, like, Needy Von McNeederson!” Team Green is trying to check out, and all ShazBot wants to do is stand around and make a scene….

…I think Needy Von McNeederShaz needs a nap…

She’s standing there attacking them with “Then you guys up and left me and it took me like 10 minutes to find you!” Black Eye Nathan fires back with “Well, put your runnin’ shoes on, honey… this is a Com. Pe. Ti. Tion!” LOL, Nathan, you are so making me fall in love with your pasty ass and eye-bags this episode! NTH is â–²$0.96!

Now they get another generous 30 minutes and $1000 to blow at Cost Plus World Market and The Container Store (brand placement abounds!) Then they have two hours to work and give their various tradespeople their various assignments. And again, while Team Red and Team Blue are just sailing along at top speed, Team Green is meeting with their carpenter and fighting over some drapery panels they want to put up over the windows. Preston just wants to do a simple dowel-rod construction, but ShazBot insists that it won’t hold up and thinks they should do something called “cornice boards”. My first thought is “Wouldn’t the carpenter know if using dowel rods was too flimsy?”, but I guess he’s too busy enjoying having a ringside seat to Bitchfest ’08 (Part 37) to bother commenting.

Prettyboy is getting frustrated as he says he is trying to come up with quick and easy solutions to their needs so as not to overload the carpenter with a zillion projects they need done, but Her Shazzalazzadingdonginess keeps turning them around into much more complicated time-consuming projects. She’s proud of the fact that eventually she “won the argument” and they’re doing to do things her way. I wouldn’t characterize it as “won the argument” so much as they “got tired of the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound of your voice” and caved in order to salvage their eardrums. TMG is â–¼$16.27.

The next morning they are all off to La Brea Avenue to spend an hour and $2000 to get their finishing touches. The Teams are all at a store called Craig Olsen, and in their frantic running around, a vase gets broken! They cut to SexOndineCity stupidly trying to jam the severed neck back down onto the cracked base…

…”Maybe no one will notice!”…

Yeah, um, clay only retains that malleable property before it becomes pottery, Ondine-honey. Duh. Eddie interviews that it “was honestly a really ugly green vase!” Ugly or no, what’s the rule at the china shoppe? You break it, you bought it. Eddie asks the proprietor how much the vase was and is absolutely incensed to learn of the $100.00 price tag! “This is like five dollars at the gift show!” he bleats right in front of the store owner, “This is probably twenty-five dollars tops!”…

…I think we’re all noticing the snobbish asshole in this shot…

The shop owner is sticking to his price of $100, and Eddie BaueRude is continuing to argue with him based on his impeccable knowledge of Ugly Green Vase Pricing, and he’s really pissed the queen off, and now the guy is saying he doesn’t want to sell anything to Eddie (other than the broken vase) because he doesn’t like Eddie’s attitude. That makes, well, several million of us now…

Well, now, finally we see the true extent of Eddie’s egotistical snobbery coming out as he gets ready to play his Trump Card… he’s literally seething back at the proprietor, insisting “I am a professional… I mean… (wait for it, here it comes) I’m the senior style editor for Martha Stewart Living Magazine, and we’re doing this for fun, so… I am a professional and I work for the best…OK?!”…

…between this outburst and the whole “Panty Dropping Chic” thing, I’d say someone is going to get a very angry call from their ex-con boss very soon…

Seriously and for realsies… what a dickface. I would bet you a zillion dollars he just lives for the chance to throw that out at people (mostly hapless minimum-wage counter clerks) and feel superior to everybody. Let’s keep in mind, Eddie, that your employer’s brand isn’t as shiny and glossy as it used to be, considering that whole “convicted-felon-served-prison-time” thing. Martha may have paid her debt and all, but she’s never going to completely erase those facts, so a little humility might be a better way to go…

And the store proprietor agrees with me, suggesting that Eddie partake of some humble pie. I would have suggested Eddie go fuck himself, but this is good, too. They’re bickering back and forth, and Eddie is just looking more and more assholish until finally SexOndineCity steps in and tries to defuse the sitch with the store owner, shunting Eddie and his purse out the front door.

Shazia interviews “That man was like, bright red and ready to punch Eddie in the face and drag him out of his store kicking and screaming… it was wonderful!” Small lol for you Shazia… SHZ is â–²$0.03. EDR is â–¼$43.91.

Back at the apartments, the painters and wallpaperers are there and working, and Todd Oldma’am has come around! He likes Team Green’s color palette, and that’s about it. Moving over to Team Red, I’m getting nauseous watching Eddie jump up and down and hump Todd’s leg like the ass-kissing lap-dog he is. Eddie, you’re just a total poo-poo face and I hope Martha beats your ass for further embarrassing her when you get home. Todd moves on and settles a piano controversy for Team Blue, and then he’s done. I wonder how much he gets paid as their “design mentor” for his 2 minutes of work each episode? Prolly 782 times more than I get for my 3,000+ minutes of work each week. Bitch.

It’s the end of the night and they’re leaving to go spend their last bit of cash in the Top Design Showroom… and as they go racing into the showroom like Barcelona Bulls (Eddie BaueRoss in the lead, of course) they pull up short at the following sight…

…Stop in the name of Jonathan!…

By Jove, is he wearing a Polo shirt?!? I didn’t know he could do that! And guess what? It’s another “Pop Design”!! Groans from the designers, because they’ve been spoiled by the lack of having to even do these silly little challenges. As they’re led into the Top Design Studio, they see that there are a buttload of flowers, vases and blocks of that funny green watermelony stuff that florists use to stick stuff into (I dunno what it’s called, but that’s my technical description of it). Eddie, of course, makes this face…

…okay, maybe there is such a thing as “too gay”…

…as he sing-songs “I love flowersssss!” Of course he does, because he’s the senior style editor for blahblah AssMunch Magazine, we get it already! Anyhow, the challenge is to do… a flower arrangement. Huh? That’s it? First shadow-boxes and now a stupid flower-arrangement? They should have said they had to do a flower arrangement that illustrates an emotion, or a style of music, or the True Face of Godâ„¢… that would be a challenge!

Oh well, ho-hum, one flower arrangement coming up. It turns out the prize for winning this “Pop Design” is immunity from elimination! Downtown Shazia Brown (who really does know she sucks shitballs as an interior designer) says that she wants to win immunity reeeeally baaaaaad!

They’re given 20 minutes and when Margaret Russell gives them the go-ahead, they all dash like a bunch of hungry third-graders going to lunch. I was hoping for someone to take an accidental dive-bump into the table containing all the vases, it would have been priceless to see Jon-Jon’s face at all that broken glass and crockery!

Everyone’s trampling all over one another and grabbing armfuls of flowers, far more than any of them can actually use. Nasal Nat says doing flower arrangement is pretty easy, and that she chose to do what represents her personality best…

…she picked stupid flowers?…

Oh wow, speaking of Renaissance people (like Eddie) it turns out Downtown Shazia Brown used to be a florist, too! And she’s been looking at a lot of flower arrangements because she’s getting married soon (assuming her fiancé cuts way back on his grossness).

Of course, Eddie says his arrangement was perfect. So is your state of assholishness, Eds.

Prettyboy Preston made a huge mistake as he says in the final seconds he grabbed a bunch of fake silk flower petals and strewed them on the table all around his arrangement. How he couldn’t tell from the feel of them that they were fake is beyond me, but time is up and he can’t sweep them off the table now.

First up is Whatisit’s simple design…

Margaret immediately calls him out on all the flowers that he took that he didn’t use and Jon-Jon wants to know if he did that to block anyone else? Grinning guilelessly Whatisit looks around at the other designers and says “I-I-don’t-know-I’m-sor-ry-if-I-did!” Jonathan and Maggie don’t exactly look convinced.

Next up is Nasal Nat…

All Jonathan says is “It’s definitely grand!” Perhaps “grand” = “whorish” in Jonathan Adlexicon?

Moving on to SexOndineCity…

Margie says that she wouldn’t have thought to combine these particular flowers in the same arrangement… but that it works!

And here is Eddie BaueRosshole…

He says he loved the “chinoiserie-footed” vase (I didn’t know what this meant, but apparently “Chinoiserie” is a fifty-cent French word for “Chinese-esque”) and that he chose “ly-locks and delphinium” and that keeping it in a monotone just “makes it look more expensive!” (note: not “prettier” or “more tasteful” but “more expensive”) Jonathan asks “Would you say that this is an accurate reflection of you?”, and Eddie fakely overgushes “Ab-so-lutely! That’s me!” Personally, I feel like Jon-Jon just got a subtle dig in on Eddie and it went over his head… but not over mine. JAD is â–²$6.57. Eddie is still a dickface.

Strolling over to visit Silver Spoon Andrea…

In her normal, lifeless, I’m-so-bored-with-everything voice, Andrea interviews “I was just thrilled with the pop design, but then Margaret just kind of stared at them with these piercing eyes! I was just like, ‘What, Margaret, what’s wrong with them?’ Like, they’re gorgeous, they’re white Casablanca Lillies with Orchids, I mean, what could not be pretty about this??!?”

…’Nuff said…

And here we have Twiggy Teresa’s arrangement…

Margaret asks her where she would put this arrangement. Teresa is struck mute, and then finally answers “Ummmmmm… I have no idea!” That’s all Margaret needed to know (I’d say that’s a great big ten-FAIL good buddy) and Maggie and Jon keep on truckin’…

Which brings us to Shazia’s Wine Glasses’O'Flowers…

Jonathan calls them “Sweet… but in a good way!” Shazia is ecstatic and stops complaining for a moment, and the black hole void created by the absence of her bitching collapses in on itself taking her with it, and poof! We are saved! Okay, not really…

Here is Prettyboy Preston’s mess…

Margie says “It’s tall!” and smiles too widely before asking him what room he was thinking of putting this concoction in. Preston answers the entry-table… and then Margaret cornholes him by asking him why, with all the fresh flowers in the room, did he use the fake petals? Prettyboy says “I didn’t realize they were fake until I spread them out… I thought they were real.” Margaret jabs him again as she asserts “As soon as I walked in this room and I looked at them I knew they were fake.” P-boy just says “Oh.” MGR is â–²$2.83.

As they leave Preston bleeding, let’s go see what Black Eye Nathan did…

Both Jon-Jon and Maggie love it for it’s simplicity and elegance, and Jon says they like this side of Nathan much more than his “broken mirror” side… it’s a nice surprise to them (and I think they’re probably sleeping a little better knowing that ol’ Nate’s not just into breaking shit up and gluing it on a wall!)

Now it’s time for the results! In the bottom, we have Nasal Natalie (Margaret says the scale is “overwhelming” and the colors are “a little bit garish”)… well, duh, that’s kind of what Nat is all about, Maggie! Also in the bottom is Prettyboy Preston (Jonathan says “It fails on… kind of on every level.” Ouch!) Margaret says she doesn’t want to “bust” him too much on it, but the fake petals are just “really bad”. Dammit, Prettyboy, would you just please please please stop sucking so much?!?

And the ones that they liked were… Black Eye Nathan’s for being so chic and restrained and still pretty. They also liked Eddie BaueRhoid’s, too, although Margaret said his arrangement, while flawless, left her feeling like she wanted to be wowed a little bit more… oh snap! And Black Eye Nathan wins the Pop Design and the immunity! Yay for Nathan! NTH is â–²$15.23!

Guess who’s not happy for Nathan? Yup, it’s ShazBot, who says it “just sucks” that he won the immunity, because she knows if they “suck as a team” then he’s going to get rid of her. Shazia is stupid. Nathan winning immunity doesn’t automatically send you home, dumbass, your being a tasteless and terrible designer is what causes the judges (and Magical Elves Producers) to do that!

Oh well, it’s the next day and they have only 5 hours left to finish their makeovers. On Team Red, SexOndineCity is in the process of découpaging the walls with pages from a book of different zoological species (“découpage” is a fifty-cent French word for “pasting shit to the wall”…Eddie’s not the only one who can play that game!)…

…this might be good if James The A-Hole was about ten years old…

…and I have no clue why they are doing this, it just looks juvenile and silly, and I think they’re skating for the cliff with this crap. I’ll admit that I have limited knowledge of what turns heterosexual girls on, but I doubt that pictures of a bunch of creepy-crawlies make ‘em wanna drop trou. It’s just a feeling.

Team Green, of course, is working like a well-oiled bramble patch… Downtown Shazia Brown wants Prettyboy Preston to hand her something that’s on the other side of the table from her, and he just walks away. “Preston, you’re such a dick sometimes!” I can’t imagine why he’d be like that, working with Miss Princess Sunshine And Light all day… and gee, it turns out that her fabulous “cornice-board” idea is *gasp* taking waaaay longer than she had anticipated to complete, and instead of finishing them in fabric as they had originally discussed, they’re just going to slap a coat of paint on them instead. Sounds yummy. And time is up!

Here comes India Hicks and Co… but where is Kelly Worstler and her Incredible Dress-Up Closet today?!? I was expecting her to be decked out as a geisha or a bruja or maybe a 30′s gangster’s moll… instead, we are treated to a “guest judge”…

…the only queen in the world bitchier than Eddie…

Yes, it’s more bleed-through crossover from other Bravo shows, the ever-fascinating (well, at least to himself) Jeff Lewis from “Flipping Out”! I’m surprised he can walk into a room where all of the carpet fibers have not been raked in the south-southeasterly direction. Let me just say that I am not a big fan of his, and I also don’t believe that he truly has OCD… my take on it is that he is simply a very well-to-do persnickety queen who likes everything to be exactly the way his anal-retentive ass wants it, and happens to have the cash to be able to persuade people to make this happen for him. However, he is a really judgmental person, and he certainly does fantastic things with his own makeovers, so I’d say he’s a perfect temp replacement for Kelly… and when India introduces Jeff as also being a bachelor, they cut to Eddie…

…someone’s in love… or at least a really icky obsessive infatuation…

So here’s how Team Red’s “Panty-Dropping Chic” turned out…

…I thought Boring Eddie was getting the blood-red walls…

…I know of a bath-house with that same lamp shade…

…did they even do anything in the kitchen?…

…however, the headboard is a nice touch (hope it’s nailed down!)…

…and the faux-fireplace is interesting…

Jeff Lewis loves the bath-house lampshade (of course he does!) but Jonathan right away points out how age-inappropriate the whole pasted pictures of snakes’n'lizards on the wall thing is. Eddie feels the need to keep on pointing out the whole “panty-dropping” theme over and over again, and coming out of his big gay mouth it just sounds sooooo fakely ridonk.

Moving on to Team Blue’s “Masculine Zen”…

…I actually think this kitchen is pretty tasty…

…however, I think I overheard that table-plant whispering “Feed me, Seymour!”…

…I love the argyle, it’s such a “Kanye West dates Blake Lewis” touch…

…the cube chairs are also interesting, but don’t look like they’d be particularly comfortable for *ahem* playtime…

…now that’s some “panty-dropping chic”, only less crude… more like “panty-melting”…

Whatisit explains the room: “Our-ba-che-lor-pad-is-ver-y-mas-cu-line-it’s-not-froo-froo-or-an-y-thing-that-would-em-bar-ass-a-man-a-mong-his-friends-or-in-front-of-a-wom-an-*gig-gle*-it’s-ver-y-na-ture-in-spi-red-and-a-lit-tle-bit-calm-and-peace-ful…” I’m getting to the point where I love to listen to Whatisit talk about anything, his weird cadence and reedy tone just becomes more pleasing to the ear as time goes on (or I’m really starting to lose my shit).

Anyhow, it turns out that the awesome bookshelves flanking the TV were made by their carpenter, and as far as some of the other touches around the room, Whatisit says “I-was-chan-nel-ling-my-in-ner-mas-cu-lin-i-ty-*gig-gle*!” Upon viewing the bedroom, Jonathan Adler appears to be getting an erection, he loves the bed so much, and Jeff Lewis says the money was well-spent in all the right places! Wow, looks like a home-run for Team Blue!

Last in line is Team Green’s “Tailored And Conservative Serial Killer”…

…you have to love having giant burial urns in your living room…

…they’re not as scary from further away…

…and I’m sure Eddie will appreciate the severed Buddha head on his coffee-table…

…and did they have to take Eddie’s “I’m a square” attitude so literally?…

…brain-matter and blood is not gonna come off those textured walls very easily, either…

First thing Jonathan wants to know is “Whooooo did the drapes?” Downtown Shazia Brown has no choice but to own up to the fug. Prettyboy tries to explain that they were going to try and wrap the cheap-looking “cornice boards” in matching fabric but… “Is the bedroom more finished?” inquires Margaret… ouch. Black Eye interviews that it’s evident on the judges faces that they’re well aware the space is unfinished. However, they seem to really like the bedroom, but overall Margaret’s icy face tells all the story you need to know…

…this look still frightens me, and it’s from six months ago and well over 400 miles away…

After the judges leave, it’s time to do the big reveal to the clients themselves, and since we’re already with Team Green, let’s see what Boring Eddie has to say about his new digs. Surprise! He loves it! He immediately jumps on and messes up the meticulously made-up bed…

…”Ahhh, I’m gonna have so much fun making torture-porn here!” *sigh* …

However, he is not happy with the blue striping they put on the living room walls. “I wanted simplicity.” he says. Plus, if the blood gets to be too ingrained and you just have to repaint the wall it’s a hassle to have to get five colors of paint, y’know? His dead, dead eyes are not at all pleased…

…”And now I’m going to have to… eliminate Team Green. Mwuhahahahahaha!” …

Jeez, Eddie, you just got close to $15,000.00 in free upgrades to your crappy smelly apartment, if you don’t like that goddamn wall, then be a big boy and go buy a can of paint yourself. Loser. (I’m just kidding, Eddie, please don’t behead me!)

As Obi-Web Producer enters his new “screening room” (a.k.a. “the living room”) he seems sorta happy, but isn’t exactly jumping out of his skin…

…don’t crack a full smile now, Obi…

Ah, maybe he’s tired out from fighting the Dark Side of The Force all day long. At the end, he does say that he really likes all the imaginative touches they put into the apartment and gives them all a warm genuine hug… especially Whatisit (slipping him the digits?)…

James The A-Hole is back, and where has he been living the last three days, a park bench?…

…I guess he’s too busy lawyering to worry about washing his hair…

Eddie BaueRetard begins to explain all of the design touches in the most cloying, condescending tone possible… he points out the “cool reflecting mirrors” (like there’s any other kind) and “art… on the walls!” Hilariously, James interviews that he wasn’t really caring much for the shoji screens with their pasted on pictures of insects’n'shit and says that “Those might be off the balcony tomorrow!” LOL, James, you’re an A-Hole but I like your sense of justice. I would have just taken a Zippo to them. In the middle of Eddie’s house. EDR is â–¼$162.47.

Time for the results in the Red Room! Tonight’s Top Design goes to… Team Green with Silver Spoon Andrea, Twiggy Teresa and Whatisit!!! Jonathan says that Obi-Web Designer was completely happy with what they did, and that they all thought the “bedscape” was “trés, trés chic!” Jeff Lewis chimes in saying he loved the flow of it, and that it was a warm, rich environment (and if it’s anything Jeff knows, it’s rich environments). Congratulations are in order and Team Green gets to crack a beer!

Moving on to Team Red, Jon-Jon says that while they had some great ideas for their apartment, the client (James The A-Hole) did not like it! This news hits Eddie super hard…

…”But I explained all about the reflecting mirrors and the art!”…

SexOndineCity tries to blame James by saying he didn’t give them a lot of information. Jonathan says that as designers, they sometimes have to be “shrinks” as well. “Did you guys look at him? He was, like, a 23-year-old dude.” Well, duh, they were too busy congratulating themselves on the whole “panty-dropping” theme to pay any attention to the fact that James was just looking for a bigger TV/stereo system and someone to clean the place up.

Jeff Lewis jumps in with his opinion that men don’t communicate well because they don’t know what they want (he says he just figured out what he wants about six months ago… I’d say that would be “a third season of ‘Flipping Out’”) and that James is just a guy who is “23 and looking to score.” and while the bedroom is sexy, it doesn’t matter, because they’re never going to get past the living room! Eddie’s looking more and more upset with every word coming out of Jeff’s mouth. I’m doing The Cabbage Patch and the Running Man all at the same time.

Margaret gets the best dig of the night as she says “If I walked into a guy’s apartment and saw those screens, I would not think he was a straight bachelor!” LOLZ for Maggie. She and I are on the same wavelength here, I’d have thought the owner of the apartment looked something more like this…

…Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk…

Jeffrey wants to know whose idea the stupid cut-and-pasty wallpaper was, and SexOndineCity reluctantly raises her hand. Jeff continues “So just remind me, now this is called ‘Top Design’, right?… not ‘Over-The-Top-Design’!” Ha ha, Jeff. Scripted much? And like you have room to talk after all the mentally ill blowups you have on your stupid show? JFL is â–¼$26.93.

Moving over to Team Green, Jonathan says their room was “not pretty and there were no surprises.” Give it a few months, Jon-Jon, our boy Boring Banker Eddie hasn’t had time to meet any new prostitutes or hide their discarded body parts yet! They all want to know why it turned out like this, and Prettyboy offers up that they just ran out of time. Jon-Jon points out how many resources they had and forces Preston to point the finger to Shazia and her “cornice boards”.

India, of course, wants to know who the team leader was. Not this shit again! For the first time in tonight’s episode, Black Eye Nathan does a dickish thing as he says “I don’t think it was me.” Dammit Nathan! You had immunity! Why not step up and claim team leadership when it can’t possibly hurt you? NTH is â–¼$16.46. Of course, Downtown Shazia Bitch chimes in with “I know it wasn’t me!” Oh sure, Miss “I’ve-Got-To-Step-Up-And-Take-Control-And-Make-My-Shitty-Design-Voice-Heard”, now you’re so willing to step back from being a leader when your stupid idea is the one that went the most wrong. Bitch. SHZ is â–¼$23,957.46 and bottoming out.

…It’s hard to be the meat in an asshole sandwich…

With a smile, Preston says “I don’t mind stepping up to the plate if that’s what’s necessary.” PRS is â–²$38.94! Way to rise above it. You’ll probly be handed your ass on a silver platter, but at least you did the right thing. Margie wants to know where Shazzie’s voice was during all of this, and ShazBot immediately goes for the whiny “unless I pitched a fit, they didn’t remember that I was therrrrrr-ruh!” In a calm voice, Nathan says “I kinda feel like that’s not the case at all.” Shazia still contends that they just forgot all about her unless she forced herself into the mix.

India wants to know how Preston feels, and he says the main thing to take note of in Shazia’s little speech is “pitch a fit” as in “throw a tantrum” and points out that at one point she called him “an A-hole.” Jeff Lewis gets a very offended look on his face. Shazzie goes into a long-winded story about how Preston thought she couldn’t do anything, and when he told her to stop bothering the carpenter and do something “less labor-intensive” she thought it was “the most disgusting thing” he could have said to her. Jeff Lewis wants to know flat-out “Shaz… did you call him an A-hole?” She goes for the lame “I… probably did.” and he counters “So isn’t that the most disgusting thing to say to somebody?”…

…and if anybody knows disgusting A-holes, it’s Jeff Lewis…

The panel is going to take a few minutes to gossip amongst themselves about all the drama they’ve just seen (and laugh at these childish adults and their antics). Out of Team Red they are seriously considering sending SexOndineCity home for her horrible découpage (“I hate it that much!” says Jeff Lewis). And as far as Team Green went, they all think Prettyboy and Black Eye have much better design sensibilities than Shazia does, and that her crappy window-valances were for shit… “And then she calls people A-holes!” pipes up Jeff. I heart you for that one, Crazy’Mo Lewis…

Meanwhile, Shazia just can’t let it go in the holding room as she’s haranguing everyone with, “Preston had to make me look like the biggest fucking bitch to ever walk the face of this planet and I didn’t appreciate that cuz I’m not gonna have my clients watch me on TV acting like…” Preston cuts her off with “I didn’t repeat anything that didn’t come out of your mouth.” Shazzie whines “Well, that’s fine, but you didn’t even have to mention it!” Preston coldly replies “If you don’t like it, that’s your fault. I’m not going to take responsibility for it.” Oh snap…

Pssst. Shazia honey. They’re still taping you. SHZ is â–¼$1,976,312.84

With Team Red and Team Green back in the Red Room, Jonathan says that while Team Red misread their client, they did have some good ideas. I guess they’re safe. And since Black Eye Nathan has immunity, he’s safe, too. So it’s down to Prettyboy and Downtown Shazia Brown…. and it’s Shazia getting the boot!!

(((happy dance)))

Yes, it’s about time! With her final speech, Shaz attempts to dispel stereotypes as she says “In the Pakistani community you’re expected to be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer or, better yet, to marry a doctor, a lawyer or an engineer!” I’m wondering which one her fiancé is. She continues, “So, to be able to be on this television show and show a whole different career field, that’s just the most amazing part of this experience!” I would have said the most amazing thing was her lasting until Episode 4…

As she’s leaving she gives a totally insincere A-frame hug to Preston and says…

…”Bye Preston… sorry I called you an asshole.”…

I’m dabbing at my eyes. Incredibly, her final thoughts are “Hopefully, for, like, the younger generation I’ve opened up a whole realm of possibilities for careers other than doctor, lawyer or engineer!” Yes, you’ve certainly shown an entire generation something all right…

And we’re out! What did you think of this episode? Can you believe the balls on this girl? Would you hire her to redecorate a vital part of your house? Isn’t Eddie becoming more of a dickwad day by day?

Before I go, I just wanna say one final thing about masculine vs. gayness…

That one’s for you, YentaPatrol… don’t let ‘em beat you down.

love, J-Mo