Tough Love Miami: Crazy on This Ship of Hypocritical Fools

Hello Gasmii. Tough Love Miami is back!

Did you miss me? Sorry it’s been two weeks since the last recap, but let’s blame the Wards. They created some kind of special in which they fight all the time… I think. I didn’t actually watch it – I’m just basing that on the previews.

Ah, shit. I just watched the clips of their special and kinda wish I had bothered.

Oh well, I’m sure it will become a series – I’ll watch it then and tell you how comically droll they all are.

In the meantime, let’s get down to business with our own little troupe of ridiculousness.

These are some crazy ass bitches.

This episode starts off with Steve telling the girls he is going to take them away – to a place where life is just a game.

Damn, I hate riddles.

What’s he got up his sleeve now?

But I already know how to play a man.

Chutes and Ladders! I can’t wait.

Actually Michelle hit it spot on:

Welcome to the Land O’ Lies Game Show!

Brigette thinks this means she’s a celebrity.

So this is a game show where the girls have to walk a plank and answer Steve’s question regarding whether a lie is a little white fib or a horrendous red doozie. JoAnne is here waving red and white flags – apparently she is the supreme judge on categorizing lies.

By the way, has anyone ever noticed the similarity between Donna Pescow and JoAnne?

Night Fever, night fever… we know how to do it!

No? Too obscure? Well, since she thinks lying about age is a white flag, I’m pretty sure JoAnne will at least get it.

The girls start tromping on their giant game board.

That’s right, Avonte. Bow to the game master.

We discover that Brigette doesn’t think it’s a big deal if she’s dating (I should point out she’s standing on the sex square) more than one guy at a time and that she doesn’t have to mention it to said guys. Red flags fly, the girls look outraged, the audience boos.

Who are we kidding here?

A: Brigette scares one off before the second comes along.
B: Brigette is too ready to marry anything that moves to get all psycho about more than one at a time.
C: Brigette can’t handle too much stimulation. She’s never double dipped on dating.

Oh stop acting tough, Brig. You are full of shit.

Christine admits it is a red flag to lie and tell a man he’s provided her first orgasm ever, but it didn’t stop her from doing it. Brigette condemns this, because clearly, it is okay to lie to a man about who you are sleeping with, but any girl with integrity would never tell a man it was her first orgasm when it wasn’t.

**WARNING: This is the first of many incongruous statements. You might want to proactively take some aspirin now.**

Leilani once told a guy she wasn’t ready for a relationship to avoid having to see his tiny pecker a second time. She thought this was okay to do, since it would hurt less than saying

Your dick is ick.

I tend to agree with her (the saving feelings part), and so does Jane, because apparently small penis is at the top of her deal breakers. It becomes clear in a few minutes why this is so important to our Cuban Fiercy.

Avonte pretends to be poor and cute so her date will feel proud and manly about providing for her. She honestly thinks it is okay to expect the man to pay for everything. Rumbles of discontent begin to brew in my belly and I’m pretty sure it isn’t the salami sandwich I just ate.

You gonna take a stab at me, Luscious? Bring it!

Jane can’t answer Steve’s question about the worse lie she’s told to her ex. She’s just standing on her candy land square – is she trying to make something up?

What should I tell them?

No, when she’s not omitting the truth or making shit up, I think our Jane is a pretty honest girl. She’s just prolonging the inevitable here – that is, the moment in which everyone will hate her. I think Michelle tells the story best.

You see, apparently, Jane has been receiving a regular booty call from her ex right up until the day she caught the limo that took her to the Barbie Mansion of Delusional Dolls. Her defense is that she gets lonely at night and is very sexual.

Yield for crossing horny girls.

The reaction from the others seems a little severe to me. From the cut we saw, I didn’t get the feeling this guy was still Jane’s boyfriend, but for the rest of the show, everyone acts like Jane has been hiding a relationship. I’m on the fence about this issue. If what Jane claims is true, then this is meaningless sex and she’s using the man. While this is not admirable, it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be open to meeting a good guy, which I’m sure if she did, would mean tossing used-up boy to the curb. However, I seem to be alone on this one. Not only do the girls all think Jane has been playing the whole house, but last night in bed, I actually discussed this with my husband and he agreed. So clearly I am wrong, but I still can’t help but think this shouldn’t be that big a deal. Someone please explain what is so bad about this to me. Please.

What I can’t help but focus on is the bullshit reactions of our girls. Chasity is outraged that Jane lied to them. I’m sorry, what? The girl who admitted she would willingly lie to her man, because it would get her what she wanted and no one would know the difference anyway, is mad about being lied to?  Oh, shut up beeyatch.

OMG – Chasity might be a black widow!

And just minutes after this, Chasity has to ask Steve to please clarify what a white lie is, since she tells so many lies, she can’t distinguish the difference. Steve explains a harmless white lie would be saying dinner was good when it wasn’t – something that doesn’t hurt to say and spares people’s feelings.

Hmmm… maybe I could have used a white lie to describe my go-go outfit to Almom.

Avonte is chomping at the bit and does a victory twitch when JoAnne tells Jane she doesn’t sound like a nice girl. Avonte has it out for Jane? I got a slew of pics of these two girls talking in private and sitting around on beds together, so what is up with that? Has everyone gone crazy this week?

This episode has the unfortunate timing of airing 4 weeks after the last time I hated these girls, so perhaps there is more to my irritation than just their behavior. Nevertheless, Avonte is pissing me off. And her shirt looks horrendous. At first glance, all I could think of was bat boobs. Child, your boobs are waaayyyyy too big. If those are natural, oh you poor afflicted angel.

There are some funky angles popping out here.

Also, since I foresee an Avonte rip, let me just state right now that for some reason throughout this episode, Avonte looks like she was participating in Movember – you know where you grow a mustache in support of prostate cancer awareness for November.

It’s like in Grimm when the hideous beast can no longer maintain human form.

So nobody wins the Land O’ Lies game. Turns out it wasn’t really a game at all, just a platform to escalate the humiliation of the potential lies the girls would reveal. Suck it, Steve!

On the way home, we get a glimpse of the girls in their super van. Avonte tells us she couldn’t focus on Steve’s lesson because she couldn’t wait to confront Jane as soon as possible.

I shall henceforth cast aspersions on you, Jane.

OMG STFU, Avonte! Who the fuck do you think you are pointing out what you consider Jane’s bad behavior when you are no innocent nymph. Stop it with your, “You know I’m gonna call you out. No bullshit. Blah Blah Blah.” You just keep the focus on others so you don’t have to look at your own fucked up pretend life.

This is what you look like when you are trying to act all righteous and holy. And I’m not crunching them because I want you to get a good look at your attitude.

Pretty, isn’t it? And here’s what you make other do.

Nice work, Avonte.

To be fair, this isn’t all Avonte’s fault. Jane, you gotta stop acting like a five year old brat having a screaming tantrum everytime you feel like you’ve lost control of the situation. Seriously, grow up and manage yourself, sister.

Maybe if the solo career doesn’t work out…

Also, I’d like to point out that Brigette says she’s just worried that Jane is leading Arthur on and is going to break his heart. Fair enough, Brig, but who the fuck are you to talk?

No, our little doe eyed blonde has never lead a single man on in her life.

It was hard to understand what Jane was shrieking about on the bus, but I did hear that she’s tired of trying to prove herself. Which, by the way, is her own internal issue. The problem, darling, is that you care too much what everyone thinks. Fuck them. If you want to be a nasty user girl, be one and don’t apologize. If you want to be sweet and subtle Jane, then be that. But stop worrying about what these other bitches think of you, cause that is something you seriously can never control!

The next day, Steve gathers the ladies in the lounge to discuss the biggest lie they have ever been told by their ex.

Look at this house. Is this old school Miami, where the designers were paid with piles of coke?

For some reason, it suddenly has become important for the girls to be able to talk about past hurts with their dates in a way that eliminates the pain. I’m pretty sure there is supposed to be a rule against talking about bad shit in former relationships, but I got lazy and stopped recording them all, so I can only suspect that Steve has joined our hypocrite ship with this task. Whatever, dude.

Most of the girls have a “he cheated on me” story, but a few are somewhat interesting. Poor Michelle, who is becoming one of my faves (her expressions add a whole new dimension to these recaps), was once proposed to by a married man.

Brigette was told on several occasions that the man wasn’t ready for a relationship. Either this means her dick is too small or he was running like hell to get away from her crazy ass. Then she would see them weeks later on My Space (who the hell is on My Space?) kissing their new girlfriends.

Christine tells some bullshit story about how the biggest lie for her was that her husband said he loved her but he didn’t love her physically. It didn’t really make a lot of sense and sounded like a pageant or politician answer where you talk a lot but actually say nothing.

And oooohhhhhh I love to dance the little side step….

Most curious of all is Jane. The biggest lie she has been told was when she loaned exploited ex money for one thing and he used it for another. So let me get this straight… you are “loaning” money to your ex and you are sleeping with him.

That’s not a booty call, Jane.

And then there is Avonte. Every time this girl opens her mouth on this episode I want to stuff a sock in it. She says the biggest lie she’s ever gotten was that she had a relationship based on a spiritual foundation, when actually the man was married and she was really just the other woman. Okay, let’s talk about this previous relationship Avonte had. Steve mentions he was famous and charismatic and she joined a special religion to be with him. This sounds like some interesting shit, so I had my super sleuth husband look it up.

Allegedly, Avonte was with this guy.

He’s from Boyz II Men (whoever they are) and this man is a genius! He is the ultimate in hypocritical bullshit.

First of all, a little about Mr. Stockman. Supposedly he belongs to a religion called the Hebrew Israelites. That’s code for Black Jew, but this term is said to be offensive to them because the idea of a Jew implies white people. So apparently, in this religion, a man is allowed to have more than one wife. Thus, Avonte was married spiritually but not legally. I did a little research on this community and according to myjewishlearning.com, the Hebrew Israelites of Israel (who are all transplants from Chicago) ended polygamy in 1990. Apparently Avonte never got the memo.

I don’t listen to sappy boy bands that drive giggly girls crazy, but I checked out some of the Boyz II Men lyrics. What a fucking brilliant man. All the songs are about how the girl in the song is the singer’s one and only and how special he’s going to make her feel. But they also have little sly non-commital lyrics like, “Tonight is just for you” or “If there were only 3 more of me, then I could keep all these beautiful women”. This boy is the ultimate player and Avonte bought it hook line and sinker for 8 years! Maybe she’s not as smart as I thought.

Or maybe he’s the Unibomber and had mind  control over our girl.

Either way, his stunning mix of religion and rock and roll makes him an absolute Einstein. Thank Yaweh she’s out of that crazy shit.

Steve tells the girls they are going to have to share these lies with their dates tonight. Uh, why? What the hell is the point of all this? Steve says it is to prove their baggage doesn’t weight them down. I’m still not getting it, but I’ll be happy to watch.

I think I’m pissed off because I heart Arthur and he’s probably not going to be with us much longer if Jane has to admit anything about her ex. Arthur’s not dumb – he’ll make the connection.

Arthur, my love!

So the evening starts out with Avonte and Trevis. I don’t seem to be only the one pissed off at her. Trevis seems angry and aggressive from the get-go on this date. What’s up with that? It reminds me of his first date with Avonte when he was all chaotic and frenetic. Maybe he sniffed the designer blow table at the house.

Whatchu talkin’ about, Luscious?

Avonte brings up the “spiritual marriage” crap and then goes on to admit that she’s dated men while going on vacation with other men. Her defense is that she never slept with more than one man at a time, but Trevis isn’t buying it and is busting her balls big time.

Bitch, please. Liar is as liar does.

Chasity is happy to see Al again. They start talking about relationships and Al says he has been honest in his past relationships. Chasity “thinks” she’s been honest in hers. I can’t even go here. This girl is so full of shit she doesn’t realize there isn’t a genuine word coming out of her mouth, ever!

But wait, when I’m making stuff up, I want it to be the truth. That’s okay, right?

Christine and Frank are together again. Yay, she didn’t drive him away with her horrific life story two eps ago (we never saw them at the mom date thing, so it was worrisome). She’s asks Frank why he has never been engaged and his answer is so dull I can’t remember it. Then she starts to go down the pageant life history track and I fear we are about to see another crash and burn for Christine. However, even she can’t repeat that bull crap about no physical love she spewed earlier and have it last long, so luckily her tirade is short lived. The message she sends to Frank is that she needs passion. We are all going to regret this later.

By the way,

Frank’s feet are HUGE (I don’t think Leilani would kick this boy out of bed).

Lielani and George are together again. She wisely brings up the subject by asking him what the worst lie he ever received was. Who the hell knows what he said – I can’t get over how banging Leilani’s body is.

This kind of hotness cannot be bought. It’s pure genetics.
You should procreate with it, George.

Jane greets Arthur and barely lets him sit down before she hits him with the important stuff. She tells him about how the worse lie she’s gotten is the ex used her loaned money to bail a cousin out of jail. Arthur is rightfully confused at this out of the blue (and not at all interesting) admission, so he asks her if she was told she had to tell him this. Her answer, “No, this is everything that I’m telling you.” Whatever that means. Is this a white lie or a red flag?

Arthur realizes there is more to the story.

So everyone heads back to the house and Steve has extended the dates for Frank and Arthur. They are still with their girls in the backyard. Frank and Christine are hanging out and he steals a kiss on the cheek, which is really cute. So Christine approaches him and tells him he doesn’t have to steal kisses. I applaud Christine for her bold and direct move. But then this happens:

Ew – don’t drown the girl. Gross. Oh fuck, now she’s doing it too. You guys are just gross. Cut it out.

Seriously, this is how a pageant girl who is afraid she’ll be run out of Chicago for wearing a pair of undies kisses? I’m a little suspicious that Frank is a face rape kisser and she’s just meeting him at his level. Which might be what you have to do under the circumstances with a camera on you and being a pageant girl and all. You can’t exactly pull back and express disgust (which I would have!) I mean, there is a time and place for tongue and it is not during what should be the first soft lingering kiss.

Arthur knows there is more to the story. He asks Jane if the only reason she stopped sleeping with her ex was because she had to come on the show. She answers yes.

I think this is pretty much the moment when Jane blew it with Arthur.

Stupid Jane. I love this boy. I’m getting on my cow right now to kick your ass.

The next day, Leilani also gets an add-on date with George. He shows up on a boat in the canal to take her on a cruise. Steve wants to see if there is any chemistry between them that might surface with more alone time. Leilani also fills us in that it has been 8 dates and George hasn’t even tried to kiss her yet. Really? Hm… it never occurred to me before (I don’t think), but maybe George is gay.

He does sometimes look stiff and uncomfortable around Leilani.

So while Leilani hopes George will make a move while on the boat, it is obvious our little entrepreneur is going to have to take things into her own hands.

 

HOW TO SEDUCE YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND IN 7 EASY(ish) STEPS:

Step 1: Alcohol.

Step 2: Lighten the mood.

Step 3: Move closer.

Step 4: Stroke tender area of body.

If your man isn’t gay, this should be enough to get a kiss. If you have a resistant partner, proceed to step 5.

Step 5: Pin him in place.

Step 6: Whisper platitudes in ear (such as saying thank you for a date he didn’t arrange)
so he will know you are grateful enough to be taken advantage of.

And if even this move, so obvious to most men, doesn’t work, because, for instance he has hugged you close to his body instead.

This is a defensive move in most martial arts.

Step 7: Just remove free will from the equation and kiss him yourself!

I would say Leilani had to work too hard for this success, but she seems happy with it.

You’re not going anywhere because you’re not done kissing me yet.

 

GROUP TIME!

Guess who did the best this week:

Marissa Tomei!

Steve tells Leilanie that she delivered the lie discussion in a light hearted and baggage free way. C’mon, we’re still talking about that lie theme bullshit? We all know the reason Leilani is getting props right now is because she proved today she is the driving force behind her own happiness. Give a girl credit where credit is due. Also, props to Leilani for pulling her hair back, something that used to cause her insecurity.

Steve has to ask Christine what her big lie was again because he didn’t get it either. She blah blahs on about whatever, but we go to Frank in feedback and even he is dubious about the real reason for her breakup. Leilani is suspicious this is all bullshit too.

Model note: Leilani, don’t make this face. And put your hair back down.

Steve wonders out loud what Christine’s ex-husband would say about her theory on her biggest lie and why the marriage ended.

Wait, what? No one ever questions a pageant answer.
Where’s my polite applause? Fuck is it ex’s week next week?

Avonte raises her hand and points out that she’s calling bullshit on Christine. She says there are two sides to Christine and the girl is hiding something. I am absolutely delighted when instead of responding, Steve calls bullshit on Avonte!

You’ve got it all wrong. I’m the one who points this stuff out, not the one who takes it.

Steve tells her she overwhelmed her poor date and when we go to tape, Trevis admits after what he learned today, he’s not sure he wants to continue a connection with Avonte anymore. This is a bit of a blow to Avonte’s ego

Wait, I thought I was hot enough that I could say whatever I want.

Steve does soften things by offering a better way to explain the past with psycho Israelite R&B dude and Avonte thanks Steve and blows smoke up his ass. What does she mean by this statement, anyway?

“I think I need everybody to remember everything you just said,
because damn, Steve, you’re good. And I think that was great.”

This could mean several things:

1. If Avonte is genuine, it means she might not remember the explanation and wants the other girls to help her remember it.
2. Or it could mean she thinks the message Steve had was more important for the other girls to hear, which would piss me off because it means she is deflecting from herself once again.
3. Or it could mean she has been secretly undermining Steve and telling the girls his advice is useless and she needs them to get the message that in this case, he’s absolutely right.

Whatever it means, I don’t like it. And today I don’t like her.

F* you for being so pretty, Avonte!

Naturally, as you might expect, Jane is called to the hot seat on this episode. The point Steve wants to make is that Jane wasn’t genuine or honest with him. There were plenty of opportunities when she could have admitted to him that she perhaps wasn’t exactly ready to be matched with anyone. Jane says she didn’t say anything because she doesn’t care about her ex and was just using him.

But before we get to what happens next, I need to mention one thing. I think Jane might be modelling one of Leilani’s dresses tonight.

Unfortunately, it’s meant for a plus size model.

Steve shows her Arthur’s response.

He’s so cute- I adore him.

Arthur says he’s concerned about what might actually be happening with Jane’s ex. Okay, so neither Arthur or Jane are exactly eloquent. But we get the idea and Jane suddenly can’t handle it. She’s let down Steve, she’s let down the girls and she’s letting down Arthur. This is not a girl who likes to let people down or lose control. So she reverts to her five year old self again.

Oh cut it out, Jane!

Steve is being far more patient and understanding than I would have been. Jane has been a bad, bad girl, but Steve says the only thing she did wrong was not tell him the truth. He needs her to be more open and honest and lets her off the hook by saying they are starting a clean slate. With two weeks of boot camp left? Whatever! But his easing of her burden seems to calm her down.

See that, it works every time.

The show ends with Steve telling them he needs their honesty and there’s some equating of truth and promise rings, blah blah blah, discovering love comes from within (okay that’s true), blah blah blah. I was too busy staring at the girls resentfully.

Christine – Get real.
Jane – Grow up.
Avonte – Shut up.
Chasity – Own up.
Leilani – You’re good.
Michelle – You’re good.
Brigette – Get help.

Alright, there’s my pep talk to the girls. I’m gonna curl up with a hot water bottle and some pamprin and eat ice cream for a few days.

See you next week when the exes arrive!

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