Hi again, Gasmii! I’m killing myself here, but we are finally caught up on this, the third episode of Tough Love Miami. Yay!!! From here on out, I will welcome the more relaxed pace of a weekly recap on this therapeutic show. Maybe I’ll even invent some drinking games, like “Take a sip every time Leilani contradicts herself.” Hmmm… maybe not – that would get me sh*tfaced and I’m sure Steve has a rule about drinking and recapping. If not, Flipit prolly does.
Anyway, let’s get to tonight’s episode. This one is supposed to be about beauty from a male perspective. The show kind of morphs into an inner/outer beauty confidence thing, but that’s okay because we’re gonna learn a lot about our girls.
Fake smiles fall off with fake hair.
The show begins with a horrible 6 AM room raid. This doesn’t seem all that cruel to me as, with the exception of Chasity, this can’t be more than an hour or two off from their regular wake up call. Still, they all look disheveled and grumpy as they are kicked out of their warm cocoons and forced to go downstairs.
FTW (if I can't text 'it, I'll just think 'it.)
Steve brings his mother, JoAnne to help him investigate what the girls have lying around in their bedrooms.
Oh, crap! Did I hide the sex toys?
Although they discover some hilarious and embarrassing things, not one of the girls thinks there is anything wrong with the evidence bags.
Chasity proudly owns up to these
JoAnne finds stripper shoes in with undies. Chasity exclaims she just bought them the day before and she sort of looks like she’s expecting to be complimented on her fashion sense. When JoAnne asks if she’s going to wear them to a strip club, Chas says ‘maybe.’ This gets her a lecture from JoAnne on the type of guy you get at a strip club. Chas does seem to take the message better from a mom figure than from Steve.
Brigette has He’s Just Not That Into You on her bedside table, which I think is absolutely hysterical. She’s either an overachiever doing her boot camp with a side of self-help or clueless about why she’s here. Steve’s process is to fix a girl so she can land a good guy. I haven’t read the book (although I probably should have), but I’m assuming the message is, ‘forget it, he might be a good guy, but he’s not for you.’ I don’t think Brigette is cut out for dueling intellectual pursuits. Besides, as Steve points out, if a guy comes to your house, he’s gonna look around and self help books are a real turn off.
Remember "Emergency"?... Claudia does.
Claudia is packing the most unbelievable case of make-up I’ve ever seen. Her defense is that she works in TV, so she has to carry a lot of it. Ummmm….. are tellanovella’s so low budge that they can’t afford make-up artists? Boring fact: I work in the industry as an accountant – I once even worked on two tellanovella’s (a part of my life I’d like to black out), and we had plenty of employees (and product) in the make-up department. Claudia is outright lying – she uses all that stuff for her own private life. Brigette tells us she thinks Claudia is beautiful and all but that she wears too much make-up. I’m pretty sure Brig should not be passing any judgment in the make-up department. We’ll see why later.
WTF? I thought this only happened with chemo.
And now to the gross part that is still freaking me out. I am too much of a tomboy to know about this shit. What the hell is with the locks of hair lying around???? I thought hair extensions were something you weave into a head and they are there until you take them out. Apparently they can be ambulatory. I’m still shuddering as I see Christine calmly explain that she left one in the night before and took it out while in bed. Apparently she keeps extras, like any pageant girl would. I didn’t even know her hair was fake – I guess I’m the clueless one here.
Steve tells the girls that since they are all here with no make-up, he’s going to send them out for make-overs. He wants each of them to see what a guy would like them to look like. Somehow all the girls seem to miss this message and are simply ecstatic to get makeovers.
Don't get too excited, Chas - you don't change.
After a brief yipee, Christine thinks about it and becomes nervous. She tells Steve she doesn’t want a makeover. He tries to explain that the fake tan and the fake hair are a bit much and will turn a guy off. She claims that she is a pageant girl and this is how pageant girls dress. She loves the way she looks. She then goes on to tell us that she doesn’t want to change her look because she wants a guy to love her for who she is and how she looks: which I’m just learning is fake. So… she wants a guy to love her for her fake hair and fake tan? Maybe her look is why no one wanted to follow her into the elevator in the first episode. Perhaps these men could be potential suitors:
Here's a few pageant power couple suggestions, Christine.
Maybe all our girls should be named Ms. Delusional.
This is more painful than my divorce.
Anyway, Christine is spazzing at the news she will get a hair cut and nearly throws a stomping temper tantrum when Steve tells her she won’t be allowed to use the extensions. This is made worse when she finds out seconds later that Jane WILL be getting extensions for a softer look.
At the salon, the girls are settling in and enjoying the pamper treatment – except Christine.
The jealous beauty queen
She cannot let go of the fake hair thing. She actually whispers to Brigette that she’s never been jealous before in her life but right now she’s jealous of Jane, ’cause she knows how beautiful Jane is gonna feel after she gets her extensions. Christine actually gets catty enough to pull a “whatever!” when Jane is talking to Steve about how excited she is.
It is such a cruel, cruel, world, Christine.
Okay, that’s (nearly) the last photo I’ll put up of Christine’s hairgate. I just couldn’t believe this ridiculous superficial and stubborn side of her that came out tonight. I hope she’s embarrassed.
Christine is right; life is much better with fake hair.
Jane is a little bit scared about how she’s gonna take care of her new hair, but she’s excited to have the makeover. She completely cracks me up when she looks straight at the camera and says “hair extensions… how the f@#k am I gonna maintain that?” (I wish I could link the video, but I don’t know how.) Steve notices Jane seems like a totally different person. I think she’s relieved to have discovered her tough guy image isn’t necessary.
Before her makeover, Brigette doesn’t seem happy.
Great - untold hours looking like this.
Turns out, she is insanely insecure and hates to be seen without makeup.
She's either on trial or she forgot her mascara...
Holy crap is this girl cripplingly insecure. I had no idea how bad it was for her; she is a mess. She completely breaks down and admits to JoAnne that she hates to be seen in her natural state. What’s she gonna do when she wakes up next to a man for the first time? Or is she one of those crazy chicks who sets the alarm for 5 am to put on fresh makeup?
All this fragility changes, though, when Brigette meets her hair dresser, Jimmy. He’s a good looking man that she is instantly attracted to and she does her best to flirt with him.
Will you marry me, Jimmy?
It gets to the point where she seems to be throwing herself at Jimmy; Anthony long forgotten. My guess is Jimmy would rather date Anthony than Brigette, but she doesn’t seem to clue in.
Leilani shocked me this week. First off, when Steve tells her she’s gonna get an up-do, she admits she uses her hair as a blanket to hide her shortcomings. I almost fell off my chair – Leilani actually knows she has no chin, big teeth and small boobs! With her previous ‘he better be as awesome as me’ statements, I thought she had a magic mirror. So here’s a little reward for admitting her humanity.
If these were as big as my teeth, I would be perfect.
The make-overs are all finished and how do our girls feel?
Brigette is delighted with her look, but more importantly with her new love, Jimmy. I am disappointed that neither Avonte or Chasity look any different. I thought maybe they would do a better weave on Chas’ hairline, but it still looks strange. Michelle finally stops looking like a waxy mannequin and is now pretty with healthy looking skin.
Claudia looks amazing with her downplayed make-up. She really is a beautiful woman and it is nice to see her not covering it up with such a dramatic look.
Jane tells Steve she feels like a Victoria Secrets model. With this look and smile, I could totally see it (except for her masculine walk).
Christine looks Dy-No-Mite, but she hates it. I don’t think she even looked in the mirror: she’s absolutely convinced that she looks ugly because she has shorter hair. I think she looks much prettier with her new look, but with the way she’s acting, I just fell out of love with her. Steve is a little shocked at how vehemently she complains about the new look. And then… Leilani once again bowls me over when she rightly points out that when the pageant queen loses her hair, she loses the pageant personality too. So here’s another Scooby Snack for Leilani:
This is actually a great color on you, Leilani.
Now that the girls are all beautified, Steve tells them they are missing one thing and he rolls out a rack of bikini’s. Are they told they have to act shocked every time he makes a reveal? It’s not like they hate wearing bikinis, so why do they all look stunned when he tells them to pick one out? Christine, of course, just closes her eyes in despair. For her, the day is getting worse and worse; there are dates waiting for them at a pool party.
The girls all have to do a cat walk along the pool to meet their dates. Jane looks amazing in her red bikini and her new hair. She can’t really rock the high heels, though, and walks as if she’s stomping through mud. But she likes her date and does a fantastic job smoothly informing him that she doesn’t drink and has been sober for 210 days (which was what she said in last week’s episode too – did they film the season in one day?!). Her date congratulates her, she orders a Sprite and the conversation moves on – no big thing. Way to go, Jane!
For Avonte’s date, Steve picked a more assertive man, to meet with her “he’s gotta be able to take it” attitude. Since Steve also wisely picked a man with no hair, she can’t complain about that, so Avonte has to find something else to be dissatisfied about. She and her date begin a somewhat aggressive debate about relationships and she’s pulling a Jane! First she tells the guy she’s still not sure if she wants marriage, which goes against what she claimed in episode 1. Also, at one point, she intimates that she might not even need a man, maybe just a sperm donor. Why the defensive mode, Avonte?
Christine is doing her best to keep her chin up; the show must go on after all. She is engaging with her date and when she’s not focused on herself, she looks lovely.
I never noticed those baby blues before, Christine.
For her efforts, a very dorky looking Steve rewards Christine by telling her she can have her extensions back and revert to her old look. Christine is jubilant and finally acting grateful. I am bummed – I wish she had been more open minded and would give the new look a few days first. She is completely missing Steve’s point that guys would prefer her like this. Maybe she isn’t as desperate as she claimed in her audition video. However, considering she married her high school sweetheart, she’s never been on the dating market and really has no idea what men like. She should be listening to Steve!
Brigette was already laying the alcohol on heavy before Steve calls all the girls to the pool and tells them they have to jump in. Since most of them felt glamorous and beautiful, he wants them to now project their inner beauty to their dates by ruining their exterior. The girls are all good sports about going in the water, but Brigette immediately climbs out (convinced she’s morphed into a hideous monster) and starts downing the drinks again. She is on her third date with Anthony and they are making out hot and heavy, much to everyone’s dismay.
Rule # 68:No hard-core make-outs in public.
Avonte tells us there is a new term in the house, “Pulling a Brigette.” That’s when you go from 0-90 mph in the love department with the first guy you see. Considering how into her hair dresser she was just a few hours ago, it is odd to see this:
You won't abandon me like Jimmy did, will you? It's really hard to be left.
Brigette is becoming an embarrassing mess. But she’s not the only one acting out. Michelle has tried to put on a new persona and is vamping it up in the pool with her date.
Is being a slutty tramp on your vision board?
They are getting cozy with pelvis to pelvis contact. At one point she has her legs wrapped around him in what would be an adult entertainment film if their bathing suits were missing.
FYI single ladies: this is never okay on a first date!
Steve doesn’t mention any rules, so I guess you can’t have hard core make-out sessions in public, but you can simulate hard core.
Leilani is surprisingly on a second date with George, the wanker banker guy she underestimated. Steve explains he wants Leilani to have a chance to prove there is more to her than the superficial stuff.
Okay, so obviously I like honest rich guys, witty hot guys, oh and funny tall guys.
She struggles to come up with something that isn’t about looks & money and delivers the stellar get-to-know-you line “so what animals do you like?” George cracks me up by saying “Dinosaurs.” Leilani blinks and smiles as she considers whether or not they still exist and if she’ll have to keep one in the house.
By the way, a reader has pointed out that George may possibly have been in Miami Social on Bravo. This isn’t surprising for several reasons. A) he’s hot and should be cast multiple times. B) he’s quick in front of the camera. Anthony says almost nothing – proving this is probably his virgin tv appearance. C) OF COURSE these guys are wanna-be actors. You have to get the dates somewhere, so you’re gonna go to a casting agent – which only has actors on file. Everyone on this show is trying to promote themselves. Case in point:
The song is okay but hilariously superficial. I think Leilani wrote the lyrics.
Finally, the last girl we even catch a glimpse of is Chasity. Her very good looking date is a fine arts dealer. He’s a bit blown away when Chasity innocently asks him what exactly is fine art. I love that her inability to distinguish between stripper shoes and clubbing shoes extends to art too. I wonder if she thinks her work is art…
Steve can I have another girl?
Chasity also impresses her date, I’m sure, by donning a life jacket to jump into the three feet of water required at the pool test.
Before group, Brigette tells the girls that Anthony is going to get a ticket after the show either to go visit her in NY or have her return to Miami. Then she goes on to say the true love of her life could be Anthony. She doesn’t think she’s too fast, why he could even move to New York! Here comes Leilani being all sensible again and tells us Brigette is going way too fast and needs to slow down. To try to illustrate this to Brigette, she jokes that George is buying her a ring tomorrow. Brigette only laughs, not understanding the real message.
Leilani realizes Michelle and Brigette are crazy.
Steve starts out by complimenting Jane on her look, attitude and performance. She acknowledges a lot of her new persona has to do with just letting down her guard and being willing to take whatever is thrown at her. Her date, Zach describes her as warm, cool and a giving person. Miles apart from the impression she gave off on episode 1. Maybe there is hope for Jane.
Christine remains argumentative and defensive, even though she has returned to her old look.
This is not an improvement, Christine.
She doesn’t hear Steve as he explains her confidence can’t be tied to her hair. He surmises she won’t make much progress by still relying on her icky hair to make her feel beautiful.
Avonte defends her behavior by saying her date was cocky and she felt like she was on trial. Steve is nearly exasperated with her – he can’t win. He tried to find her a date that wasn’t a pushover and now she has a problem with that. Feedback from her date tells her that she is testing men until she pushes them away. Avonte says she doesn’t have time to waste, which Steve agrees with, but he wisely points out her strategy isn’t working. When he asks her if she thinks all men are cheaters, she says they are and if Steve disagrees then he is just another cheating liar. Whoa! Talk about issues. Steve recommends she try lowering her guard and trusting that there are good men out there. Avonte once again says, “you’re right,” making me suspect maybe that is her pat answer anytime she wants to end the conversation.
Michelle may have a multiple personality disorder. As Steve remarks, for the first two weeks she came to group dressed as a librarian. Today:
Micha, Michelle's alter ego makes an appearance.
Michelle says she likes her edgy look. Interesting that this side of her came out after flirting with a bad boy. Steve asks if she thought there was chemistry with her date – obviously she says yes. Then Steve shows her the feedback from her date: he doesn’t usually move that fast on a first date, but if she’s willing to put it out there…
Michelle fights to suppress Micha
Her date also hems and haws when asked if he wants to see her again. Michelle is embarrased, realizing she set herself up to be used by moving too fast. Michelle pulled a Brigette! She admits she’s always been attracted to the wrong men and Steve suggests she doesn’t know herself well enough yet to know what she wants. He doesn’t either and it will be hard to find the right guy for her.
Brigette gets called into the hot seat. Steve asks her if she knows about the term “pulling a Brigette”. She doesn’t, so Avonte explains it.
Find a person with a penis. Then marry him.
Steve tells Brigette Avonte is right. She isn’t getting with the program. Brigette tells Steve it’s because she wants so badly to be married…that she’ll do it with anybody. When Steve asks if she would have gone out on a date with her hairdresser if he had asked her, she knows she should say no but she can’t. So he shows the other girls Brigette’s behavior with Jimmy the hairdresser, followed by her snuggle fest with Anthony a few hours later. No only were they macking out, there was talk of going wine tasting in NY with Brig’s mom and a wistful remark about not wanting to go home that night.
Doing the Brigette
Her behavior seems disingenuous to Anthony, who Steve says is eating out of the palm of her hand. Brigette doesn’t seem to care – all she can think about is having a ring on her finger and having babies – regardless of who it is with. Since she doesn’t respond to Steve’s rational points of she barely knows Anthony and its too much too soon, he finally has to threaten to separate them unless she slows down. Do you think she’ll be able to do it?
Steve ends our episode saying he is concerned that the girls don’t really know what it is they can bring to a relationship and what it is they actually want. They are going to have to believe in themselves (as well as in men, Avonte) if they want to do the work it will take to figure out the answer to their burning question; “WHY AM I SINGLE???”
Here’s to hoping they figure it out next week.
Below are the make over comparisons compiled by yours truly with my magic freeze framing skill.
Also, since once again Claudia has been passed over, I will leave you all with a parting (albeit downplayed like her makeup) boob ruffle shot.
Avonte Before & After
Brigette before & after
Chasity before & after
Christine, grumpy queen before & after
Claudia before & after
Jane before & after
Leilani before & after
Michelle before & after
Boobalicious. The ruffles are small, but they are still there!