Tough Love Miami Recap: Exes – Exxxeesssss!!!!!!!!

Well hello there, Gasmii!

We’re back for the 9th episode of Tough Love Miami, and boy was this a good one. It ends with a bomb and I can’t WAIT until the last episode when we see how Christine deals with her crystal castle crumbling around her ears.

There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

So let’s jump right in to tonight’s episode.

Steve’s calling this episode Attack of the Exes. He says the girls can’t move forward until they confront their pasts. There seems to be a lot of this past bull crap going on the last few weeks with the writing letters to mommy, telling dates about being lied to and now this – actual face to face time with the exes. In my worst nightmare, I wouldn’t want to see my exes again – the past is the past and is much better left buried!

The girls are all milling about their happy home when the doorbell rings. Who could it be? It’s Bobby, Brigette’s ex boyfriend from 5 years ago. That might be the last time she didn’t send a man running after date #1. There’s no drama here because these two have remained friends. Brigette realizes this is her silver lining in not being able to keep a man.

Yay, I’m going to have a good day!

The girls have realized what Bobby’s arrival means. They are freaking!

Exes! Exxxeeessss!!!! (God, I love Michelle.)

At first Michelle is freaking, but then she realizes she won’t have to worry. She’s only got two exes and one would never come and the other is far too flaky.

I’m good, bitches. Sucks to be all of you.

But Steve has clearly promised flaky George (Michelle’s ex) free booze and a weekend of debauchery in Miami Beach, because here he is!

Ew, Michelle. Really?

Christine is nearly hyperventilating in dread of her ex-husband’s arrival. What the hell is she so worried about? If they ended because he didn’t give her enough passion, as she claims, I don’t think she should be so scared. Unless she has something to hide…. She mentions that she really hopes it’s some random ex-boyfriend who will come. Then she can push him into the canal so Frank won’t see him.

That was a pretty casually suggested murder, Christine.

Doorbell rings again.

Who can it be knocking at our door?

Why, it’s Thomas, Chasity’s ex from college. She seems happy to see him in her shy, demure way.

Um… that’s not Al, Chasity.

Next up is the arrival of Jane’s not-quite-ex, Alan.

He’s got duck feet!

Avonte is delighted to be at the door to meet Alan. She pretends to be interested in him, but it’s clear she is taking glee in anticipating the showdown between Jane and Alan. What is with this girl all of the sudden?

Oh, so you’re Alan? This is gonna be good!

I’ve just about had it with my favorite girl in the house. She’s judgefying everyone and everything. Doesn’t seem very Hebrew Israelite/Christian/God loving to me.

Who you calling a hypocrite, Luscious?

Jane barely greets Alan. It is very obvious there is a lot of history here.

You can almost smell the tension.

Ding Dong!

Oh God, who is it now?

In a sick and twisted move, Steve decides Leilani doesn’t need to see any of her exes. She needs to meet George’s ex Saura instead.

Avonte helps smooth the awkward moments.

What is up with Avonte? She’s become a meddlesome nosy bitch since Claudia left. Girlfriend doesn’t have anything better to do, since her ex is a famous, married man. It wouldn’t be very appropriate for him to show up, but it sure would have been awesome. Anyway, Avonte, please just sit your ass down and stay out of the drama between the girls and the exes.

Much to Christine’s dismay, next to arrive is her ex-husband Josh. She admits she plastered on a smile and went into pageant mode to greet him.

I’ll just pretend he’s the former Ms. America congratulating me on my victory.

The girls are gathered around to meet Josh. Leilani is the first person to wonder where Delaney (Christine and Josh’s daughter) is. Josh informs the girls that Delaney is with her grandmother.

Oh, right. I probably should have thought to ask that.

Christine seems completely self-focused and oblivious. The awkwardness between her and Josh is so weird. It’s like they are complete strangers. What the hell happened between these two?

Jane has taken Al to her usual spot where she has a go at her men.

Observe in this flashback with Arthur.

And now with duckfeet.

At first I didn’t like Alan. As Jane raged at him for unspecified hurts, he sat there all cocky and controlled, as if he enjoyed pushing her buttons and watching her dance. He seemed smug and puffy.

I can’t vocalize my pain, so I’ll escalate instead.

I realized after watching the episode all the way through, that actually Alan seems to be internalizing her rage (thus the puffiness). He doesn’t react because it will only escalate things further. Poor Jane. She is not eloquent enough to describe what she’s feeling and not smart enough to capture all the thoughts running around her pretty little head so that she can organize them and communicate them succinctly. That’s why she acts like she’s 5 years old as soon as she gets frustrated. Maybe she should try to communicate through another medium, such as drawing or singing.

Christine and Josh have settled down to talk. I just have to quote the conversation, because it’s so crazy, I’m too stupefied to snark it.

Christine: The girls say I live in fairytale land. Do I?
Josh: Yeah.

Christine: It’s real, though isn’t it?
Josh: No.

Since Josh doesn’t accept her proposed toast over nothing, she switches tactics.

Christine: Delaney is living in Princess land too.
Josh: Well, she’s three.
Christine: I’m thirty. It sums each other out. So we can both live in Princess land. Please.

She then has the audacity to pretend they’ve toasted to her fairytale land and says “Ding!” as if their glasses had clinked.

This chick is mental!

Josh: You ever think you might come out of that land?
Christine: (laughs) No. But everything in my land happens, does it not?
Josh: That’s because I’ve given it to you.
Christine: That’s not true. Bull Crap. Oh my God.

Oh My God is right! What the hell? I suddenly see what happened here. She imagined a fairytale perfect story of the house, husband, Mrs. Iowa crown and child. When that wasn’t fulfilling, she started to want other things. I’m thinking Josh tried to give her everything he could and it was never enough. If this is a fairytale, I think Christine is a wicked step-sister.

Did she even ask one question about the daughter she hasn’t seen in more than two months? There’s only room for one person in this chick’s castle. I sat in stunned silence staring at her continued pageant smiles after this conversation.

Christine needs more professional help than Brigette!

Now that the party is in full swing and everyone has settled in with their past loves, Steve decides to add a little fuel to the fire. Dates start to arrive! First to ring the doorbell is George for Leilani and his ex-wife, Saura.

It’s official. George is gay.

Avonte doesn’t have an ex or a date, since Trevis has given her the heave-ho. Maybe she should spend this time reflecting on exactly why that is. But for television’s sake, Steve is sending her over a new date. His name is Eric and he is yummy! He’s very direct and believes in telling it like it is. Perfect for Avonte. She’s actually tongue-tied with this guy. It’s kind of cute.

Avonte tells Eric she is surprisingly surprised by him.

Steve has also sent a new date for Michelle. Except that poor Michelle already has her hands full with crazy George, who for some reason, I want to call Freddy. He’s the type of bad boy obnoxious wanna-be Italian mobster that always has to be the center of attention.

So I says to them, I says. Look midget #1, you gonna talk or what?

But Michelle is a good sport and game to whatever evil Steve throws at her, so she’ll try to manage the unmanageable FreddyGeorge as well as a new date.

Efing Steve!

The good news is, Sam is hot. Michelle graciously introduces him to FreddyG and then gets them all drinks. She is doing a nice job of trying to be sure they both feel comfortable. Freddy G, however, is visibly upset that the limelight is no longer on him.

Sorry FreddyG. Sam is bigger, stronger, younger and hotter.

FreddyG spends the rest of the evening talking smack about Sam to everyone but Sam. Proving that he is an obnoxious coward, like one of those little yappie dogs who barks at the big dogs but refuses to look at them.

Yap! yap yap yappity yap.

It takes Leilani’s superpowers to subdue FreddyG and bring him in line.

Sit your ass down, Freddy G!

Way to go Leilani! I can’t believe that this whiny brat is now one of my favorites. I must have terrible first impression judging skills. I have also realized that Michelle didn’t date bad boys. She dated assholes.

Doorbell rings again and there is Anthony.

Brigette isn’t at all worried about this situation.

Bobby won’t cause any trouble and she wants to see Anthony’s social skills. Interestingly, she decides to give them each a little info about the other and then send them on their way to talk without her. She tells Anthony this is because she remembers him saying he wanted to talk to someone she has dated before. What is up with that?

Usually a dating resume does not include references available upon request.

Anyway, to break the ice, Brigette informs the boys that they both have being 40 in common. And with that she sends them on their way. I can just imagine how important that info is to two men:
Bobby: Dude. You’re 40?
Anthony: Yeah.
Bobby: No way, me too!
Anthony: Well, all right! (High five each other)

Doorbell rings and damn if Christine doesn’t do a sprinting marathon to get to the door in the hopes that it is Frank.

Tell me it’s okay to live in fairytale land!

As she sees Frank, she squeals in dismay “you cut you’re hair!” He does look a little thinner on top, but he’s still a good looking guy, so she immediately quashes her alarm, deciding that although he is not exactly as she envisioned, he will still work nicely as a the savior prince.

She tells us she wasn’t worried about how the boys would interact. She explains that Frank will just crack a lot of jokes. That’s ’cause Frank lives in Comic Land (but is considering a move to the Fairytale ‘burbs). Josh will likely just “look us all dead in the eye”. Well, that’s because Josh lives in the real world – but I can see how that would make you uncomfortable in your house of cards, Christine.

I think despite her psychosis, Josh still loves her.

After the quick introduction, Christine runs off with Frank, leaving Josh to mingle with others.

Just drink it all, my friend. It’s going to be a rough night.

Christine thinks she’s in a spot where no one can see her, so she and Frank resume their disgusting Star Wars battle with light saber tongues.

I nearly puked trying to capture this.

Josh just spotted them and feels the same way.

Poor Josh. It’s bad enough that he married what he probably thought was the perfect girl, only to find out she’s a sociopath.

And after you slay the dragon, you’ll shower me with diamonds. Yay!!!!

But then he shows up here and has to watch the mother of his child make-out with the man she believes is her new prince charming. Since Christine is ignoring Josh, he has to mingle with others.

I should have married a real girl, like this one.

It gets to be so bad, that in the end, Josh quietly slips out of the house, without saying goodbye to anyone.

I know it hurts right now, but you are one lucky mo-fo to be rid of her.

Alan and Jane are still hashing things out. He agrees with Jane’s point that she wanted to go to couples counseling together all the time and he apologizes for not being willing to go that route before. Now that’s a big man.

BTW, 26 years later, Miami fashion is pretty much the same.

Chas is completely into re-connecting with Thomas. In fact, she’s so into it that she isn’t even thinking about the fact that Al is coming.

Don’t disturb this groove.

When Al does arrive, she’s not waiting for him and shouts “WHAT?!” as the girls are calling her name.

My bad!

It is very awkward. Al can totally read Chas’ body signals. Which basically say, yes you are indeed interrupting something here.

Chasity, go stand next to Al. You know, the one that is YOUR DATE!

Poor Al. For one brief second, Chas realizes she needs to switch focus and asks Al if he wants a drink. But then she follows it up with this.

What about you, hot stuff? ‘Cause I gotta get this other guy a drink anyway.

It’s a long night for everyone.

This is how Chas says good-bye to her ex-boyfriend Thomas:

Thomas and Chasity sittin’ in a tree…

This is how she ends her night with Al:

She can’t even look at him. RUDE!

Finally, the insane day is over and the girls are debriefing in the kitchen. Christine must have gone in the hot tub or the pool or something because she’s sopping wet and sucking on a sharp object. Michelle tells Christine that Josh just walked out after being ignored and having to watch her and Frank make out.

Josh saw us kiss?

Aw, he left without saying good-bye?

That makes me a vixen.

That’s hot!

Say a little prayer for you.

 

GROUP TIME

 

Before group, we hear Michelle’s theory on who will be in the hot seat. She’s torn between Christine and her obnoxious antics and Jane with her battle gear at the ready.

But first we find out who did the best this week. Steve calls Brigette.

Lame!

I’m not saying Brigette didn’t do well. She handled an easy situation very nicely. But Bobby is non-threatening and Anthony is not a drama maker. What about Michelle, who handled both FreddyG and Sam nicely? She even told us at one point that she had to be careful how she interacted with FreddyG because if she had gotten mad, he would have ratcheted up the mafia act and things would have gotten much worse. Besides, I don’t think it is a good idea to keep telling Brigette she is doing the best. She’ll misunderstand and think this means she doesn’t need professional help anymore. Believe me, blondie – you really, really do.

Kudos go out to Anthony and Brigette for slowing things down, though. They decided on their date that they are officially dating and can refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess Brigette passed Anthony’s interview with an ex session.

Chasity goes next and Steve says he is shocked by her reaction to her ex. She knows she shouldn’t still have feelings for Thomas, but seeing him brought everything back. Steve asks her if she wishes they could try again and she says yes.

God grant me the serenity to accept the idiots I cannot change…

So we go to the feedback with Thomas and he informs us that he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore.

Darn, that only leaves Al. How mean was I to him?

Then Chasity comes out with some bullcrap about she hasn’t been telling Al what she needs, blah, blah, blah. Let’s face it, honeybun. You did irreparable damage with Al tonight. I don’t think he’s gonna care what you need anymore.

Steve ignores Leilani and Avonte this week.

Next he calls on Michelle and we’re all surprised to find out she’s in the hot seat. MICHELLE????

What did I do, Steve?

Turns out, Michelle did nothing wrong. Thank you! Girlfriend rocked it today. Maybe you should have called her into the hot seat and then told her she did the best. I bet that would be a first! Anyway, the problem is that FreddyG told a story to Steve which illustrated how little we all know our girl.

C’mon Michelle, you gotta love me. I’m not even there and I’m causing trouble

So the story FreddyG tells is that Michelle apparently gets off on having her guy jump out of the car to beat the crap out of someone who gives him a dirty look. WHAT???

Yeah, okay that’s sometimes true.

Steve is a clever one. He realizes there is another personality in there we haven’t seen yet. He baits Michelle until

we meet Mickey.

Mickey is Michelle’s Bad Girls Club personality. I think this is #5, but there are so many I’m losing count. I’m not the only one surprised at this new side of Michelle.

I don’t know how Michelle gets back to her seat. I think Steve just rats her out and then says something about how Sam is not her type but a good man and she should give it a try. She agrees the guy is a class act and she’s sitting back down. But that can’t be all to the show.

Besides the obvious that there are two commercial breaks left, there are people who performed far worse than Michelle who need to be called out. And sure enough, Steve next calls Jane into the hot seat. Jane??? C’mon, I’m expecting Christine to get a serious reaming here. Well, maybe there will be an unprecedented three hot seats tonight. So let’s just focus on the dealio with Jane.

You still like Alan, don’t you?

Yes. I’m sorry. Please don’t kick me off the show. I need the exposure.

Now, I’m with the girls on this one. I’m guessing Jane and Alan were still together but she left in a furious huff to do the show for both the exposure for her career and to punish Alan. My suspicions are confirmed by this reconciliatory tactic.

Please don’t date anyone else.

Alright, Jane. Bitch that was just shitty! You still love this guy and he loves you. What you must have put him through while you were gallivanting around Miami with your new makeover and your fun dates and free room and board.

Seriously, I wanted to kick Avonte’s ass for her attitude about this whole thing, but now I get it.

Alan, you are a fool!

So there it is, Jane and Alan are officially back together. Jane thanks Steve for letting her stay on the show, even though she doesn’t (and didn’t ever) really qualify to be here. She can’t verbalize well enough to put it in those words, but I’m pretty sure that’s what she means.

And then…. it’s time for yet another hot seat! Damn right another hot seat! I’m not the only one waiting to see Christine get it. Somebody should put hot coals on that seat before she sits in it. No, she would probably like that.

I’m seriously disturbed by the Christine we have seen this week. I had to look it up to be sure, but I have since verified that Christine truly fits the profile of a Sociopath. I’m actually afraid now. So how would you describe a sociopath?

1. Glib and superficial

2. Manipulative and cunning

3. Grandiose sense of self

4. Need for stimulation

5. Lack of remorse, shame or guilt

6. Incapacity for love (“oh, so that’s where my baby is”)

7. Callous, lack of empathy

Starting to see what I mean? Here are some other traits in the profile of a sociopath: shallow emotions, impulsive nature, lack of realistic life plan and irresponsibility. There’s one more on the list, but it’s about infidelity and that’s not our Christine, right?

SO let’s get to the hot seat. Steve asks Christine if she was trying to make Josh jealous. Christine tells Steve she didn’t think anyone could see them kissing. Steve goes to the tape and it clearly shows Josh can see Frank & Christine vacuuming face. So in an effort to convince Steve she wasn’t trying to make Josh jealous, she swears on the life of her daughter! Are you f*&#ing kidding me????

I swear on the life of that little brat that made me fat- I wasn’t trying to make Josh jealous.

Okay, now I’m in earnest. Dear God, please let Delaney be living with Josh!

Steve asks Christine yet again what happened to their marriage. Christine sticks to her guns with her stupid story of how Josh kepty lying and saying he would work on the passion and he never did.

Even Chasity, who believes in aliens now, has a hard time believing this.

So, Steve goes to the tape.

“Josh, what was the final straw in breaking up your marriage?”

Protect me, Josh. Don’t say it. Don’t say it!

Josh: “I would have to say it was the infidelity.”

OMG she cheated.

SHE CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!! The girls were right – she has been hiding something. So much is becoming clear now! Unfortunately the episode ends here and we’re all going to have to wait until next week to see Christine get it. I can’t wait to see her try to squirm her way out of this one! Girlfriend is full of shit and she is going down!

See ya next week.

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!