Tough Love Miami Recap – Finally, the finale!

Hi again everyone!

So here we are at the finale of Tough Love Miami. I’d like to call it the last episode, but there is a reunion show next week, so we get one more opportunity to bitch about, dissect and snark these lucky girls.

“I didn’t sign up for this!” (yay for flashbacks)

Our episode picks up with the girls returning home from their weekend cruise with their dates. It seems like that will be the same day as they make their decision, since they sit by the pool side and chat for a minute, but then they are getting ready for the big group finale.

And what a group it is – the show spared no expense and set up an outdoor stage on the waterfront to conduct the all important process of graduating our girls. I feel bad for the lighting guy. Or maybe Leilani is right:

it’s an alien invasion!

Anyway, word on the street is that the next season of Tough Love will be in New Orleans. May I suggest instead of messing with the waterfront for the finale, they should embrace the legends of voodoo and vampires that are so intricately weaved within the NewO’leans culture.

Ain’t nothing but a few ghosts gonna mess with your production here.

And having freaked out girls would make for awesome drama – something this season finale lacked.

So let’s get to this season. Oh wait, first before we get to the girls’ decisions, I want to mention how proud I am of Chasity.

“OMG, this is the final group. And then it’s like, I’m realizing
we’re not gonna have another group again!”

Good for you Chasity! But don’t quit your night job.

All right, now we’re ready to talk about the finale. Steve tells us the girls have completed boot camp and tonight they will all be on the hot seat to tell him what they have learned. Michelle gets called first. Oh wait, again! Check this out – Jane actually tweeted me to tell me I’m wrong about this, but I don’t think the pictures lie.

A picture says a thousand silent treatments.

Okay, let’s start with my newest bestee, Michelle. She tells Steve she realizes how toxic her choices in men were and that she was always exhausted by them. It all stemmed from being ignored by Mom. So Mom’s out there, I want you to learn a thing or two.

This is what your daughter will do if you ignore her
and don’t give her the approval she desperately needs.

This is what your daughter will look like if:
(A) you give her the attention she needs as a child or
(B) wait for her to get therapy in her 30′s.
You choose.

So Michelle loved her weekend with Sam and even though they’ve technically only been on two dates she didn’t feel like the weekend with Sam was awkward. Sam rolls up in a black limo and Michelle has to decide what to do about her promise ring.

Michelle likey, likey!

She gives Sam an adorable little wave as he walks up and he is looking particularly delicious. It’s pretty obvious Michelle is falling for Sam fast and hard. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn into a Brigette situation.

My new fave tells Sam she wants to give him her ring and then the stupid show cuts to break just as Sam says “unfortunately….”. Rip the needle off the record – does this boy have some bad news for our sweetest girl?

Worried looks all around.

We come back after the break and Sam was just simply saying “unfortunately our time together has been limited.” Lame! Suck it, producers! Who the hell wants to get yanked around like that? I would have stayed to watch (mostly because I have to) – you don’t need to manipulate me with fake drama.

With this ring, I thee pledge.

I promise not to be freaked out by the fact that
you just gave me a ring on our second date.

Is this going to be a happy ending?

Girly giggles of hope all around.

Steve tells Michelle, he wanted her to be ready for love not to actually fall in love.

Sorry, Steve. It might just be a teensy weensy tiny bit too late.

Whatever, who can hold a grudge against this loving beauty? But has she successfully passed boot camp? Let’s look at her report card.

Congratulations, Michelle!

Next in the hot seat is Chasity. She tells Steve that what she has learned is that she used to define herself as a go-go dancer at the Pleasure Pit. EW!!! What a horrible, skanky name for a work place. But at least now I can check it out. The Pleasure Pit is a casino at Planet Hollywood, where the go-go dancers are virtually ignored.

This is the gig you fought so hard to keep, Chasity?

Whatever, I’ve about given up on this girl so I won’t waste my breath with matronly lectures. Anyway, now she knows she is more than just a dancer.

After all, Steve, I have a degree!

She promises that she is going to stay on the wagon and off the pole, but I have to wonder; how is she gonna pay her bills? And is her dream still to become a playboy playmate? Is that any better than go-go dancing?

At least with go-go dancing she gets to wear clothes.

So now it’s time for Chas to talk to Al about her promise ring. I think Chas has given up on Al as much as I’ve given up on her. And I’m pretty sure we would both say the same thing:

“See, I still think you are sweet and cute and wonderful
and I still kind of love you. But I’m over your nonsense.”

Needless to say, Al does not get a ring from Chasity. She tells him the ring is a symbol of change and since she wants to keep changing, she has to keep it. Ever a yes man, Al agrees with her. They decide they will continue to see each other but it’s kind of like those basketball half-time proposals where the girl has to say yes in front of the crowd but then gently turns him down later.

This ain’t going nowhere.

I do applaud Chasity for deciding not to give Al her ring. She definitely wasn’t into him enough to do so and offering him her promise ring would have lead him on. Besides, Chasity is too selfish to properly love another individual at this juncture.

Try again in a few years, honey.

Steve calls Leilani to the hot seat next. He tells us that when he first met Leilani, she was about as deep as a kiddie pool. Ha ha.

Look, Leilani. A kindred spirit!

Leilani tells us that because of boot camp she has learned how to communicate her wants and needs and how to sell her other assets beyond her fabulous looks. She admits she needed the kick in the butt that Steve gave her. Then it’s time to talk to George and I’m surprised at how nervous she is.

Steve does the robot to put her at ease

So Leilani gives George her ring and promises to make the time and put forth the effort to come visit him in Miami. George apparently thinks he is meant to also give a speech so he blah blah’s on, but I notice he never said he would come visit her in L.A. Anyway, ultimately he accepts the ring and for the first time, I see George is touching Leilani like a straight man.

Hallelujah!

But there’s still something not quite right about this guy.

Maybe he’s a self-consciously aware bad kisser.

After George saunters off into the sunset, Leilani laughing admits to Steve that she didn’t think he’d be able to deliver such a fabulous guy. She’s apologizing and insulting Steve at the same time, but that’s the Leilani we’ve all come to know and love.

Congrats, Leilani!

Steve takes a moment to introduce a special guest and I am delighted to know it’s going to be my beloved Claudia. Claudia!!!!!

She looks amazing! Look at that glow!

I find that with Claudia I use a lot of exclamation points. I must really, really like her. Anyway, Steve has invited her to come sit with the girls and watch the rest of the finale. I think it’s sweet that the girls can all be together on their last special night.

Be well, Claudia!

Jane is next up and Steve says never before has he had a girl who didn’t really want help who needed it so much. When Steve asks Jane what boot camp meant to her, she eloquently answers “everything.”

Pretty you are. Articulate you are not.

Jane has written a letter and asks Steve if she can read it. I’m excited because I’ve been thinking Jane needs to organize and gather her thoughts and maybe now we’ll get a coherent response to something. She admits she lied to the girls but short of apologizing, she simply says the girls are all beautiful “inner and out”.

Jane gets polite mini-claps for her attempt at communication.

So now it’s time to face the music and talk to Alan. I just love to let Jane sink her own ship with her own words:

“Alan – you coming here. Just. I was in shock.
And it made me realize even more how much you
want to work on us. Alan, I have given the promise ring
to myself. But I promise you to work on us. And everything
that we have to both work on each other.”

For christ’s sake, this girl can never admit anything is her fault. Alan looks visibly disappointed when she tells him she isn’t giving him her ring. I don’t even think it occurred to her that keeping the ring for herself would hurt his feelings. This girl is so self centered – she truly does believe the only thing that matters is everyone else doing their best to make her happy. Alan has also prepared a speech and it is very sweet. He tells Jane that he loves her and she is the only woman for him. This makes her beam – not because Alan loves her, but because she’s being told she’s somebody’s one and only.

Poor Alan – Jane is going to suck the life out of you for a very long time.

They are going to stay together and work on their relationship. Sounds like it’s going to be a one-sided affair. Good luck with that, Alan!

Jane, jane, jane.

Moving on, Brigette is next to take the hot seat. I’ve got high hopes for this girl – it seems like she has been clueing in and understands her dysfunction now. She confirms that at boot camp she has definitely gained confidence and has overcome her desperation. Steve asks her if she will be able to trust her gut with her decision tonight. From the looks of things, I’d say the answer is no.

What’s going on up there, Bambi?

Anthony arrives and brings roses. He cleans up nicely and seeing him in a suit is a nice change from those horrible Miami pinks, purples and corals he loves to bust out with all his fashion sense.

This should be Brigettes Fairy Tale Ending

But Brigette doesn’t look like it is her fairy tale ending. She’s hemming and hawing and explaining what the ring symbolizes – I think she’s buying time and still trying to decide if she’s going to give the ring to him.

What do I do?

In the end she decides to give Anthony the ring. I have mixed feelings about this. While they have definitely spent a lot of time together, she recently started having doubts about being with Anthony. And the fact that she couldn’t decide whether or not to give the ring to him should have been enough of a clue that she’s not ready to give him the ring. This was THE VERY FIRST man she laid eyes on at boot camp. While she has finally understood the dangers of moving too fast with a relationship, she’s still progressing on a stagecoach that left it’s horses at the last stop. I’m not the only one that seems worried about her.

Steve thinks she needs another month at boot camp.

Congrats, Brig!

Steve then calls on Avonte. He wonders if she’s ready to give a ring to a man who doesn’t already have one. Ha ha! Avonte tells us she learned that she was guarded and she never realized how closed off she was. She thought it just meant she was tough. I can relate to that. So can Jane. Then she says that what turned the corner for her was the incident with Donald. Whose Donald you ask? Remember he of the baby dreds who Avonte couldn’t stand?

She told him it looked like he would rob her!

Anyway, apparently she was blown away by her behavior with Donald. She saw a side of her she didn’t recognize and didn’t want to be. But she also realized all that harshness was covering up some serious pain. She wishes she could thank Donald and much to our surprise she gets her wish!

OMG Donald is here!

Way to face the music, sister! Move over, Michelle – I loves my Avonte again. She tells Donald that he was the turning point in her process. She says some other crap, but what she fails to say is I’m sorry. Say you’re sorry, bitch! She wanted to hate all men, but she realized when there was nothing else wrong with Donald she had to rag on his hair. That’s when she knew she had a serious problem.

Donald listens politely!

Frankly, I think she should have said she was sorry for her behavior, but I guess that is implied. In any event, I don’t think Donald minded all that much. He got a bit out of the day.

Oh Yeah.

Just one more thing before we move on from Donald. The dreds aren’t really cutting it after all. I mean, the dreds themselves are kind of cute but the hairline’s just not working. And it  looks like play-doh hair.

I guess Avonte was actually right. Sorry, dude.

Donald and Avonte part ways and now it’s Eric’s turn. Avonte is really nervous about facing Eric. It’s too bad she won’t look at his amazing self.

She tells Eric she’s glad she met him and she wants to remain open. I’ll spare you the editing that made it sound like that meant she was breaking up with him (f-you tv people) because she wasn’t. She tells him that she is going to try to continue to keep her guard down and she gives Eric the ring. Yay! She gives him the ring! I’m so proud of Avonte for believing in a pauper with personality, rather than a rich dude with a ten year contract. However, I’m also a little worried. She’s really just met Eric. Like Michelle with Sam, this could be too much too soon. We’re just going to have to keep our fingers crossed and wait to find out what happens.

Eric then tells Avonte that he understands the significance of the ring she has just given him. What he needs is a strong woman in his life and he believes there’s a chance she could be that strong woman.

Never mind, Michelle. I hate her again.

Congratulations, Avonte.

Last but not least, Christine gets called to the hot seat. Christine tells Steve the typical vague and meaningless answers that she feels like a new girl and is happy.

And I believe U.S. Americans need maps to educate South Africa. And Iraq. For the children.

She tells Steve that she no longer feels insecure about her body and I have to say, in the previous episode, I noticed and thought her bathing suit was rocking.

Looking good, Christine!

She confirms that Frank makes her feel beautiful. That is good. And she must make him feel beautiful too, because the first thing she says when he shows up is that he looks amazing. Looks are so important to her, it doesn’t occur to her that her visceral reaction to the superficial should be made with her inner voice. She tells Frank that he makes her laugh and they have a great connection. There is an evil glee in her eye as  she delivers the next piece of information.

Guess what, darling. You’re not getting my ring.

I can tell this stuns Frank, but he answers with his usual pat “absolutely” as she hurries on to say the reason is that she can foresee the two of them exchanging a different set of rings in the future.

Marriage? Greeeaaatttt.

You don’t know him that well, Christine! In fact, your relationship is based entirely on tongue stunts and laughter, so this seems like the ultimate Brigette statement. Do you even know how he feels about kids?

Christine then dedicates her ring to her daughter because her daughter “is counting on her every move” and she wants to promise to introduce only an amazing man into her daughter’s life.

Okay, bitch:

A) Delaney has an amazing man in her life. His name is Josh.
B) Frank responds with “absolutely”, which could mean he agrees and wishes you the best of luck.
C) This ring is supposed to be about your process towards love. Don’t mix that up with your daughter. It’s too messy.
D) She’s counting on your every move, except for the two months you were away and when you didn’t bother to find out where she was while Josh was at your place being ignored by you?

Right. Let’s hope Delaney catches on to your behavior early on in life and doesn’t spend too many years living with disappointment.

Christine does have one thing for Frank, though. Apparently, like a good mid-Westerner, she’s been scrap-booking their dates. She wants to be able to add more pages for more dates. Frank says “absolutely.” Then he tells her that he can promise her lots of future laughs and passionate kisses. Oh, ick! Stop reminding me of the hideous way you attack her with your tongue, you soul sucking horrific beast!

Seems like Frank can’t get out of there quick enough.

 

Oops! Frank forgot his scrapbook.

Well, it’s understandable, given today’s current rates for an ounce of gold versus the price of a used scrap book. Steve hugs it out with Christine and tells her the only fake glycerine tears he wants to see from her from now on are dew drops of joy.

Here’s the report card I would send home with Christine:

Congratulations, Christine!

And this is what I would keep on file.

Please don’t tell Christine!

So that’s it! All the girls have completed boot camp and the season is pretty much over. What’s that, Steve? One more person wants to speak? Oh, right, your mom needs to make an appearance. Luckily she seems rather Xanaxed out and makes an incredibly brief statement.

“I am so proud of all of you. And I want you all to
make a promise to not only yourselves but to me and Steve…”

She never quite finishes what it is she wants them to promise. This, I think, makes the perfect metaphor for the season; most episodes weren’t really what they promised to be about. Many tasks were done more for sensationalism and forced drama than to meet the promise of teaching these girls how to love like a normal human. The promise rings were kind of a let down with lame promises. *sigh* Oh well, at least most of the girls passed, and Chasity is so young, she still has hope and promise.

So next week we’ll find out how the girls and their promise ring dates are doing after the show. Let’s hope this episode proves more interesting!

But I’m not making any promises.

See you then!

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