This week on Tough Love, Steve wants to see if the girls understand sexy.
How this will help them land the man of their dreams is a little unclear – isn’t this the area that gets most of us into trouble – either we don’t know how to be or we go overboard.
Personally, instead of testing them on their idea of sexy, I think Steve should have just done them a favor and just given them a play book to follow.
In this episode, I confirmed three things:
- Some of our girls got it, some of ‘em don’t.
- We’re watching grown up sorority tv.
- Steve is the devil and invents mean tasks that serve no real purpose
I will extort your fears and consume your tears!!!
Our little sorority show begins inside the house, which truly is a Barbie Mansion.
Kappa Kappa Clueless
Steve gathers the girls and tells them this week will be the traditional photo fashion shoot episode. The intent is to see how they bring sexy to the table and to make sure it agrees with what men want.
I am so going to rock this.
If I don’t win, there is something very wrong with the world.
Actually, Leilani, it’s not a contest.
Wait – am I going to have to show skin?
Damn it, I can’t do sexy.
The girls are told to go change into their most alluring outfits.
Upstairs, like any good sisters, our Kappa Kappa Clueless mates are helping each other out with make-up, loaning each other clothes, and of course, bitching.
Brigette: “This is SO not sexy.” (tosses it aside)
Chasity: “Hang on now, let me see that….”
Christine is at a loss for what to wear. She’s considering the tablecloth on her lap.
But I’ll be run out of Chicago if I wear this.
Chicago stripper menu… is there another Chicago I don’t know about?
C’mon, Chrsitine; I’ve worn things plenty smaller than this!
Leilani has decided she isn’t going to tell anyone what she’s gonna wear. It’s a surprise. She doesn’t want these stupid bitches to cash in on her brilliance.
Spoiler alert: This is Leilani’s stroke of genius.
But before that:
Rip the needle off the record – Claudia is gonna wear a tank top too????
Let the whiny bitch-fest begin!
OK, you know you are being ridiculous when:
even sweet Brigette has had enough of your bullshit.
Claudia decides that taking flak for once again wearing fishnet is better than having to listen to Leilani cry and moan over the tank top. She’s a very brave girl.
Spoiler Alert #2: Not Claudia’s best decision.
Hilariously, Chasity is at a loss because everything she owns is sexy – so which piece should she wear? Also, apparently all of Brigette’s clothes lost their sexiness when she got her hair chopped.
AT THE PHOTO SHOOT:
Evil Steve reveals the girls will not only be photographed, they will have to walk down a runway in front of leering men to do it. Leilani whines that she thought this was supposed to be a photo shoot, not a runway gig! Now she has to reconsider everything and ties her tank top up to reveal her midsection. She’s a thinker on her feet, that one.
So, our girls hit the runway. Afterwards, Steve has a panel of experts judge the girls on sexiness.
Out of all the men watching our girls…
Is Leilani doing the head pat, belly rub thing?
these are the ones Steve picks as “experts”
which is fine if this creep is your idea of a dream.
So here’s what the experts have to say about our sisters:
“She’s the boss. Sexy but soft.”
In this, they are spot on. But then they creepily go on to describe her as a fist full of hundreds. What exactly does that mean? And why does this guy give me the heebie-jeebies?
He called Avonte a “cigar.” I don’t know what that means
but I’m completely grossed out by him.
“She’s a JC Penney catalog girl. She’s not comfortable – she should show more.”
Poor Brigette thought this dress was sexy- especially the back.
“Apparently, this is only girl hot, not guy hot.”
I like the teaser of her mic antennae sticking out the back like a little mouse tail.
“Girl next door and very sexy.”
Steve tells us Michelle combined sports and sex, two things guys love most, and knocked this one out of the park. I agree she was fun and flirty – plenty of adorable Mochi today….
with just a hint of her dirty Micha tatts…
“She knows she is sexy.”
According to our men, having that kind of confidence makes our little Wonder Woman a very pretty girl.
Go on, boys. Tell me how awesome I was.
“She can’t just show up with a pretty face.
She seemed lazy and arrogant and didn’t even try.”
Ouch! Did not expect that. Whatever. Fuck them.
I would never date them anyway.
“Wrong outfit. She should cover the insides of her thighs.”
Alright fine, maybe you’re right but you know what, fuck you creepy men! Here’s the thing:
- Christine would never choose to dress like this if evil Steve didn’t make her.
- She’s insanely taller than the rest of the girls (you’ll see this later) and is most likely borrowing one of their dresses, since all she owns is matronly wear.
- I might be a little sensitive because I have thunder thighs too. You think she doesn’t know this is her problem area? You really want to point it out to her and make her more insecure than she already is? F-you!!!!
Okay maybe that rant had nothing to do with Christine. Sorry.
But you know what, I think our delusional queen rocked it in the face department. She doesn’t normally look this delicious. She’s got a Priscilla Presley-esque thing going on here.
And yes, the men also said she has a pretty face and pretty hair, so maybe I should just back off on this one.
“Not natural. A mess. Trying too hard. Took it too far.”
The picture looks innocent enough, so what happened? Unfortunately, Jane had a brilliant plan of her own: walk down in a tampon string fringe top and whip it off for the photo shoot.
Easier said than done.
After an insanely awkward amount of time,
Michelle came to Jane’s rescue.
She needs to take the top off? Really?
And after all that struggle, this is what we get.
I think it is important to note here that previously, Jane was ragging on Brigette’s insecurity and failure in the nurses dress by saying, “I could wear a trash bag and make it work. You figure it out.”
It’s also important to note Jane’s top in confessional looks like a 1980′s Florida retiree smashed into a disco uniform.
Um, the only person who could MAYBE make this shirt work was Elizabeth Taylor. And she’s dead now, so burn the shirt. Or save it for a Carmen Miranda Halloween costume.
“Is she working for money? Looks desperate. Way too stripper.
Not a good outfit for her body.”
All of which is harsh but nothing compares to this insult:
“She’d be good on the back of my chopper for one night, but that’s it.”
Methinks we’ve just found a new champion to wear the delusional crown. Does he really think he could EVER land a single one of our hot girls? I can’t believe it but I’m going with Leilani on this one. Fuck these guys, they are the grossest and dorkiest experts Steve has ever picked.
In other news, Avonte expresses surprise that she got better feedback than Leilani did. She always thought men found skinny girls more sexy.
Even with your eyes closed, you’re still the sexiest woman in the house.
Brigette defends herself when Steve tells her the dress looked like a nurses uniform and was in no way sexy:
- It’s not my dress. (So she’s gonna blame it on whoever she borrowed it from???)
- I didn’t know what to wear.
- I didn’t feel sexy going out there.
- I definitely have lower self confidence than maybe everybody here (she means maybe not as bad as Chrsitine)
And finally, her coup de grace:
“It’s this, Steve. The hair. All my self-confidence was contained in the
two inches you heartlessly cut off during the make-overs.”
Now all the girls think Brigette is nuts.
Seriously, Brigette blames her hair trim for lost confidence. Apparently she’s forgotten how desperate and insecure she was in episodes 1 – 3. Christine, pass the Ms. Delusional crown to Brigette, please.
After the meeting, Claudia is understandably upset with the vicious criticism she received. (Amazingly, Christine seemed to take hers well). Anyway, Claudia is hiding in the bathroom, where Avonte goes to try to console her.
Happy now, Steve???
Watching this pissed me off. Claudia walked into this show a super sexy, confident woman. Now she’s huddled on a sink, doubting her own lusciousness. Evil Steve, was this your intention? You have to make her think she’s shit before she can find a way to keep a man? Fuck you Steve.
THE NEXT DAY
Steve tells our girls they will be going on dates in South Beach. They need to know that sexiness means good body language – how you pose, how you look and what you project. He wants them to be confident, fun and approachable while keeping a bit of mystery. Then he gives them the date assignments:
- Jane gets date #2 with Arthur.
- Chasity gets her second date with Al, thanks to her career sacrifice.
- Leilani and George are on date number 4 – I think George has a long-term contract with the show.
- The rest are being assigned new dates, which means Avonte did not ask for the guy she would overlook back.
By the way, I think Brigette’s outfit for her date is sexier than the nurses dress she wore to the photo shoot.
Should have stuck with your own unsexy clothes, Brig.
The girls are ready to meet their dates.
I never noticed how tall Christine is!
Brigette nearly hyperventilates when she sees how hot Frankie (her date) is:
OMG-HISH! (he is so hot)
The chit-chat is almost going great. Frankie is an easy conversationalist and Brigette is doing her best to grill him on such important issues as does he want to get married, does he want kids, what is his star sign and how tall is he.
The perfect height for marriage. Let’s do it!
It suddenly occurs to her that she’s having more fun talking to Frankie than she usually has “dragging answers” out of Anthony. Uh-oh.
Christine is meeting Frank. He comes up asking if she’s Janet but then quickly admonishes that he’s just kidding. Clearly he is a nervous, well intentioned dork.
I’ve got a million cheesy lines and we’re gonna be here all night.
Christine tells Frank she lives in Chicago, Illinois. Because there are so many Chicago’s, the state has to be mentioned. Actually, I just looked it up and there is a Chicago in Mexico and another in Guatemala, so yeah, I guess she had to clarify.
Michelle is hanging with Jonathan. He’s a nice guy and cute. She says she’s attracted to him. It seems like we have Michelle with us tonight, but a little Micha slips out when she starts talking about pole dancing:
“I’ve got one in my apartment. You should see it.
It’s awesome for flipping upside down.“
Chasity is with the long pined for, worthy of abandoning a career for Al. Based on the way they hug, I suspect the girls are told they have to allow the men profile time with the camera.
The hug seems awkward and fake. Is there really chemistry between them?
Avonte is meeting Trevis. He comes in playfully, which immediately has her lowering her guard. He seems fun and is a good flirt but he has a disruptive, frenetic energy that keeps me on edge.
“You’re cute. How’m I gonna eat you up?”
Jane is with Arthur. They are making nonsensical conversation. Arthur said he missed her eyes. He’s nervous. Jane isn’t much better.
Arthur: “So this is us.”
Jane: “Really? Oooohhhh.”
As our girls are getting comfortable with their dates and settling in, dancers prance onto the stage and a show begins.
(Supposedly) Brazillian (really bad) Samba dancers.
‘Cause we’re in a place called Tequila Chicas and that’s so Brazillian.
Mercifully, for us at least, the show is short lived and evil Steve takes the stage.
Guess what torture I have in store for you tonight, ladies. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.
This man is getting on my last nerve. I might just have to take him out.
You guessed it, the girls have to get into Samba costumes and shake it on stage in front of their dates. Then they must be shackled to their revealing costumes for the rest of the evening. How this is supposed to teach them about sexiness is unclear. I think it has something to do with just projecting confidence. But if you wanted them to be ready for that, maybe you should have given them some warning and allowed them to psych themselves up. In any event, as you can imagine, Brigette is gonna need a drink.
Brigette: “Ah, liquid courage.”
Frankie: “If I say I’m going to the bathroom and never come back,
is that also considered liquid courage?”
The girls do pretty well in performing in their samba outfits. Nary a dramatic moment to report. So let’s get catty and technical, shall we? Why for instance does almost every single girl feel the need to stare at her ass as she shakes it?
Don’t worry ladies. I’m pretty sure it’s not going to fall off.
Kudos to the dates who were (mostly) supportive, even though they looked ridiculous doing it:
Arthur, Frank and Al cheer on their girls.
Trevis just wants to know what all these moves are going to mean for him.
Christine is handling this assignment fabulously. I think she’s been desensitized and can now walk around in public exposing her body. Either she’s gaining confidence or
she stopped giving a fuck – which is almost the same thing.
Besides, she’s not the only one with problem areas:
No one cares about their body issues anymore. I hope you’ve got more drama in your back pocket, Steve!
Christine also gets the award for excellent interaction with her audience. Check out how she acknowledges the flowers that Frank, her awesome dorky date, lays at her dancing feet:
Frank is being a VERY good boy.
I love that her outfit incorporates a tiara.
Chas is cute and Al seems to be enjoying the show. She’s just kind of swinging around the stage, definitely not dancing go-go, which is to be commended, since I would think she’d want to get a few last gyrations in before retirement. She’s still adorable Chas – our nearly innocent almost adult entertainer.
This is Chas on Tough Love Miami.
Spoiler Alert: This is Chasity after.
Damn it, she got the ridiculous boob job!
After the dancing is over, the girls return to their dates to try to make small talk in even smaller outfits. Michelle has transformed into Mochi, which is bad news because she and Jonathan are talking about past relationships.
And then he broke my heart and I was really, really sad.
Brigette has been drinking all night.
Bottoms up for bare bottoms!
She’s now telling Frankie how awful she looks with her hair cut. He outright asks her if she’s insecure and she rates herself a 6 on a scale of 1 to psycho. Frankie suggests it might be a little higher.
“You see, I want kids and I’m not getting any younger.
You could be Mr. Right, but what if you aren’t? I’m wasting
valuable time with you and I should be out searching.
Wait, you said you wanted kids, but not now. So how long would I have to wait?”
Things get really bad when she discovers a pull in her Samba costume which results in this:
Woohoo. I am a hot party animal. Want to make babies with me?
Chasity intervenes, busting up the date. With that our girls head home. Frankie looks a little incredulous about this date.
What the hell just happened? Am I on Punk’d?
Back on sorority row, Brigette is annoyed that everyone is talking about what a hideous sloppy drunk she is. She denies being drunk but her look is deteriorating
Step 1: eavesdrop in nice outfit and get irritated.
Step 2: Change clothes and stomp through house
Step 3: Turn into screaming banshee.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and
furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy me!
Her rage for some reason is directed at Christine.
Whatever, Brigette. I may be insecure but at least
I conduct myself with decorum.
One thing’s for sure.
Brigette is a mean drunk.
The sisters all gather in the living room for group.
You can tell it’s the living room because of the hideous giant snowflakes.
The house is so big…
sometimes a sign is required.
Both Brigette and Jane are thinking they are gonna get in the hot seat. This week, Christine finally gets the nod she’s been craving for and is told she did the best.
That’s right, Leilani, now it is a contest and guess who killed it in the sexy episode. Christine!
Take that and shove it up your tea and crumpet tail pipe.
Christine tells Steve she knows she needs to be confident in who she is and get over the body issues. She’s doing very well in that department. Her feedback from Frank was that it was clear she was uncomfortable with the dance but that she made the best of it. He thinks she’s a beautiful girl and he wants to see her again.
Michelle is a little concerned because while she was attracted to Jonathan, she has no idea how he felt.
That’s because he met Michelle, Micha and Mochi on one date!
On the tape, Jonathan says he has misgivings because it’s been so long since she was in a relationship. He would rate his willingness to see her again at a 5.
“I don’t want to be anyone’s five.”
(Nor should you be!)
Steve tells her she has to put a positive spin on things. Haven’t dated in a long time? So what – just say it’s not from lack of trying. She has to stop clamming up the minute she realizes she likes a guy and just be herself.
Jane still doesn’t trust Arthur because he’s saying all the right things. Steve asks her if she wants to see what Arthur had to say about the date. This is her response:
This may look like “I don’t care” but this is really
“I care so freaking much that I have to pretend I don’t
because if what he says is bad news, it will kill me.”
Arthur still says all the same things and she looks like she wants to vomit – she wants to believe his words but he reminds her of her ex boyfriend and she doesn’t want to get hurt again.
I told you the tough act was because this chick is terrified of vulnerability!
Brigette gets called into the hot seat and boy is Steve pissed!
Brigette thinks it’s kind of funny because Steve just doesn’t understand how much trauma a bad hair trim can cause a girl’s love life.
Oh, really, Brigette, you want to laugh at Steve? NOT A GOOD IDEA. Let’s just see what Frankie had to say about you. I think your face shows it best.
Look who’s crying now.
Feedback ends with Frankie saying he in no way ever wants to see her crazy insecure ass again. Brigette finally opens up that she is freaked out about 4 failed relationships in a row and she doesn’t know what she is doing wrong. Apparently, she had some sort of a breakdown where she didn’t go to work for two months. Really? Because you didn’t have a boyfriend? Damn, girlfriend you need some serious perspective on the important things in life.
So apparently a guy (any guy) is everything in Brigette’s world. How sad. Steve tells her she’s hit rock bottom and this is as far as she goes. Then he tells her to never, ever, act like that again in front a man – for the rest of her life. She promises not to and bounces back to her seat, seemingly recovered.
I’ll comfort you Brig, but only because I’m afraid of how crazy you really are.
With that, Steve tells the girls they have what it takes to make the right man head over heels in love with them for the rest of their lives. They just have to do the work. Then he warns them that the clock is ticking – we are already halfway through boot camp.
I sure as hell hope the next 5 weeks are more exciting than the last two have been.
See you next week!