Tough Love Miami Recap: The Lightbulb Goes On!

We’re back with apparently the second to last episode of Tough Love Miami. For some reason I expected this to be the last week of the series but I was disappointed to learn that’s not the case.

I couldn’t imagine what we could spend a whole episode on if we weren’t going to the ring ceremony after Christine got her much anticipated can of whoop ass. Turns out I was completely forgetting about final dates.

But first, let’s get to the resolution of last week’s cliffhanger. Here we are again with Christine back in the hot seat.

Right where she should be.

I was ready for the fur to fly – let her have it, Steve! Rip this lying bitch a new orifice or two!

Josh picks up where he left off and we start to get the dirty details of the infidelity. Christine had checked out and was acting distant. Josh had her followed and confirmed she was cheating on him.

Oh, you’re embarrassed? How about a little remorse!

She’s not ashamed of what she’s done at all. In fact, just after Josh finishes the big reveal of her bullshit behavior, we get this whole new side of Christine.

Save this for your Jerry Springer appearance, honey.

She’s pissed and claims it is all Josh’s fault that she cheated. He literally pushed her into the arms of another man. It all started out with a few innocent hugs, but they felt so good and one thing just lead to another.

Didn’t anyone teach you about good touch and bad hugs?

But I’m supposed to be Mrs. Iowa! (P.S. Holy hair line chasm!)

Even in a moment of what should be total humiliation, she still maintains enough composure to protect her makeup. I’m not buying her fabricated tears.

More glycerine, please!

This girl is full of crap and a complete fake. She doesn’t care that she cheated on her husband – she did what she wanted and she’ll do it again. For just one single moment, there is a glimpse of the real Christine behind the facade.

Scary monster.

Whatever, I’m over her. And Steve isn’t giving her the reaming I so desperately want to see. I guess it is hard to crush a girl who has no capacity to feel, so instead, Steve lets her off by telling her she has to end a relationship before starting a new one next time. I’m getting irritated at the lack of accountability these girls are getting away with. But then again, maybe Steve has realized Christine is a sociopath -

and he’s afraid of her too.

Christine and Steve hug it out and she returns to her seat. Steve tells the girls that with the lessons they have learned, this will be the start of their new life if they so choose. Then he tells them that they are going on a two day trip to the Bahamas with their dates.

The girls are delighted.

But Steve has assignments for all the girls. They don’t really make much sense – Leilani is supposed to see if she can forge a stronger bond with George – isn’t that the desire of every date a person goes on? Jane is supposed to resolve her feelings for Alan – no duh! Chasity has to tell Al what her needs are. Blah blah blah.

I know we’re in for an insanely boring episode when we get an entire montage of the girls packing. Packing? Really?

Riveting, ain’t it?

So the girls and their dates head off to a strongly product placement cruise with Michelle doing the honors of selling the ship. She’s pretty darn good at it too – I think she could have a career with that. Anyway, it looks pretty fun and the ship is big enough that the girls can have private alone time while being filmed on their dates. I feel bad for the other passengers on the ship who suddenly found the poop deck blocked off for filming, though.

So Chas and Al are together and she wants to tell him that she’s sick and tired of him always “oh yeah”ing her. She doesn’t need him to agree with everything she says but she’s terrified she will hurt his feelings. Well you better do something girlfriend, ’cause right now your body language is all about giving him the cold shoulder.

Observe the body language of a girl who is into her guy.

Christine is supposed to be telling Frank what her needs are but it is downgrading into another diatribe of how everything was Josh’s fault in her failed relationship.

Anytime you see Frank lose his smile, stop talking, Christine.

Luckily, Frank re-directs by asking her what specifically are her needs. She says she needs to be treated like a woman and then goes on to say be treated like a wife. Whoa, Brigette wanna-be; let’s not scare the boy.

A WIFE???!!!

What she means is she wants lots of intimate physical contact. That, Frank can do. Especially with his tongue. But lawd-a-mercy, this time he gives Christine a sweet and cute kiss.

Thank you, Jebus!

We’re back to Chas and Al at dinner and she’s finally mustered up the courage to have a talk with him. Barely. She tells him she’s worried because he always agrees with her.

That’s right, I do!

He claims so far he’s agreed with everything she says but he does have his own opinions. Well he’s sort of saying that. He’s using “was” instead of were and “axe” instead of ask, and I’m beginning to think Al isn’t as well spoken as I originally thought. Point is, he agrees with Chas that he agrees with everything she says and somehow this makes her feel better.

Don’t axe me no more tough stuff.

Suddenly we hear porno music playing and we cut to Brigette and Anthony.

Brigette looks fetching like this!

Anthony at first was going to throw cold champagne on Brigette but decides against it at the last minute. Seems like a mean idea to have even had, but he gets rewarded for his restraint.

Note to Frank: A bath tub on the 8th date is a perfectly acceptable time to use tongue.

Frank and Christine are back in the room and spraining their tongues once again.

Go easy on her, Frank

Or she’ll end up like this.

Frank shuts the door on the camera’s face and says it’s time for some privacy. Bow-chica-bow-wow!

So now it is the next day and the ship has arrived in the Bahamas.

Michelle and Sam are off to do some snorkeling and kayaking. It looks like a lot of fun.

Michelle tells Sam she’s bummed that she’s only just met him and boot camp is almost over. He leans in gives her the sweetest first kiss.

See Frank? That’s how you do it!

Anyway, it seems Michelle is going gaga for Sam.

One thing is for sure: these two are definitely forming a connection.

Sam looks delicious!

Avonte and Eric are getting massages. I’m already digging Eric and at one point he tells Avonte it’s time for her to be happy. Go Team Eric!

Avonte asks Eric what his deal breakers are and shares some of hers. Steve practically bursts with pride.

She learned something!

Chasity and Al have been given the awesome activity of swimming with a sea lion. Unfortunately this is wasted on Chas who seems to be terrified of water.

But Al seems to be having fun and Chasity is happy to see a lighter side of him.

The sea lion is more encouraging than Chasity.

Jane and Alan are in a cooking class.

Jane says it reminds her of the fun times she and Alan have shared before. All the laughter and the bickering. To prove her point, as they are supposed to be enjoying the fruits of their labor, she asks Alan if he remembers what he did on their 1st Anniversary.

Apparently it wasn’t enough.

She’s reminding Alan of all the times he’s come up short and proven himself inadequate. He tries to defuse her by admitting he’s not good with anniversaries. But she finds this unacceptable. Bitch, please. It’s a two way street. What exactly did you do for your anniversaries, hm? I’m ready to slap her when she almost redeems herself. She admits that there were times when he obviously was trying and she spent the entire time bitching and she feels bad for that. She never actually apologizes, like he does, but I think that’s as good as it gets with this spoiled, self-centered little girl.

Everything you do should be with my happiness in mind.

Brigette and Anthony are going para-sailing. This also looks like an awesome date. On the ferry ride back to the boat, they begin to make small talk and she realizes she doesn’t know that much about Anthony. Apparently he used to play baseball. He likes shopping. In fact he likes it so much he helps his female friends go lingerie shopping.

Brigette thinks that’s weird. (P.S. Holy hairline chasm part 2!)

We also learn that Anthony has a fashion design degree. Really? And you’re straight? Brigette asks him how she’s doing on fashion and he callously mentions she could use a new bikini. As you can imagine, that does not go over well. Brigette is suddenly realizing she might not even like this guy.

Christine and Frank seem to have an eating date. In fact that is pretty much all they seem to do together. Well, we know she’s good at it and she probably likes to be sure she shines on a date.

Here’s to Fairytale land!

Christine opens up the dialogue by telling Frank that even though Josh totally ruined her perfect marriage, she still believes in the concept and wouldn’t want to be in a long term live in relationship or anything. I’m with Frank on this one when he suddenly looks like he wants to vomit.

Uuurp!!!!

I’ve noticed that Frank likes to respond with “absolutely” whenever the moment is awkward. It’s not a promise of any kind but sort of an acknowledgement of Christine’s psycho statements that she may interpret as agreement but really aren’t. This could backfire on him with a psycho like her.

And now we’re back on the boat. I guess the Cruise Director has locked up the boys because the girls all gather for alone time at the bar to party it up.

The itinerary reads: Girls get Bahama Mamas

So now the girls are chilaxin with their drinks and talking about their dates so far. Chas says she’s happy Al agrees with her that he agrees with her. Michelle admits she’s really digging Sam. Then Jane asks Brigette what she’s thinking. We get crickets.

Now I’ve seen just about every expression possible on Brigette’s face. She’s got a priceless pucker that can show all of it’s emotions, second only to Michelle. And this is a smile I’ve never seen before. That’s because it’s fake. She is doing some serious thinking in that hollow cavern on the top of her shoulders and she’s not liking the conclusions.

THE LAST SUPPER

So this is the last opportunity the girls will have to interact with their dates before the season finale and the final showdown when they decide if they will give away their promise rings or not. Leilani and George are hanging together. He still hasn’t loosened up.

Side-lip kisses where your body is about to take off does not indicate a straight man.
Dude, she’s hot. You should be all over that.

A+ goes to Leilani for talking to George about what she wants. She spits it out that she wants to visit him in Miami and she wants them to have an exclusive relationship. Her admission catches George by surprise.

Does that just mean no other girls or absolutely no one else?

George glosses over the moment by asking what she wants to do while in Miami. Leilani lets the moment go, but Steve jumps in to tell us this is not okay.

Never let the exclusive talk go unacknowledged.

There can be absolutely no misunderstanding when it comes to exclusivity and Leilani’s silent agreement to table the matter has her grade dropping from an A to a C.

Sam and Michelle are having a nice quiet dinner. She asks him what he’s looking for in a relationship. He says a woman who is passionate about something – you know, like health or fitness or something.

Sounds like a scripted answer meant exclusively for Michelle.

That has me a little suspicious. Michelle asks the all important “what about trust and honesty?” He seems to hesitate before answering that obviously those are important. Michelle is digging this boy, as you can see.

I don’t think her smile can get any bigger.

Jane and Al are at another eating establishment.

The poor passengers hungry for dinner who can’t get a table!

Alan makes the mistake of telling Jane she looks breathtaking. This displeases her because it’s the first time he’s ever said it and she’s always thinking of him when she picks out her clothes and her hair blah blah blah. I myself give a deflated whoosh, as if I’ve been hit in the gut, and suddenly I want to eat five pounds of fries. I can only imagine how she just made Alan feel, who is most definitely TRYING. Come on, Jane! Let go of those stupid past hurts and focus on the moment. You are killing this thing with your petty needs.

Is this bitch really worth the effort?

It’s never going to be enough for Jane. Run Alan, run!

Avonte and Eric are also having a lovely romantic dinner.

She asks if he’s looking for a relationship and he says yes. This seems to catch Avonte off guard, as if she was expecting him to be a player. So she tells him Steve definitely saved the best for last. Way to go Avonte. Eric is clearly pleased by the compliment and I’m proud of how well she’s letting down her guard. Well, almost.

He sounds too good to be true.

So she digs a little further and asks about his career. Turns out he’s new to the music scene but worked as a trainer for professional athletes before that. Sounds perfectly legitimate and awesome. But not to Avonte. She keeps using the words stable and solid in her desired man’s career, but what she means is filthy rich. I’m pretty sure if you are dating professional athlete’s they don’t have a solid and stable career plan. Just ask Joe Theismann.

Or this guy.

What a bummer that she might let her stupid requirement get in the way of a relationship with a pretty awesome guy. I guess it won’t stop her from sampling his lusciousness, though, because they retire to their state room and she comes out to their deck in nothing but this.

You go, girl!

They have a brief sensual moment outside in which Avonte tells Eric she really never expected to meet such a great guy at boot camp. He then says, “sweetheart, it’s time to go inside.” I’ve never hated Avonte more in my life, but only because I want to switch places with her.

So jealous of what’s about to happen!

Brigette is having dinner with Anthony. It’s clear she is uncomfortable.

Still with the fake smile.

She asks Anthony if he would ever consider moving to New York and he says no. I think she already realized this and I applaud her for finally recognizing that she does not know much about him.

While she’s visibly struggling to come to terms with the fact that they are on a roller coaster without a seat belt, Anthony seems oblivious. He proposes they start a “really cool” exclusive relationship. She tells him she has enjoyed getting to know him and wants to learn more about him. I can see she’s torn because she has always wanted to get to this point in a relationship, but now that it’s here, she realizes it’s rather empty.

My God, Steve was right!

And so, our episode comes to an end. Next week the girls will have to take what they’ve learned on their extended dream dates and decide if they will give their promise rings to their dates or keep them for themselves.

I sure hope it is more interesting than what happened this week. See you then!

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