Tough Love Miami Recap: There’s no such thing as a secret.

Hi again, Gasmii! Welcome back to Tough Love, Miami. To play catch up, I’m pumping out these recaps as fast as I can, so let’s get started right away on what happened in week two at the Barbie Mansion of desperate dolls.

This week, Steve is focusing on information technology. His message: be careful what you put on the web; anyone can see it. And he’s not kidding – this episode rocked!

This may feel like a recap of America’s Next Top Model with all the pics I’m dying to show you, but I can’t do this episode justice without them.

Our episode starts up where last week left off – just after group. The girls are all silent and in tears, hopefully reflecting on everything they’ve learned. Brigette breaks the silence by cracking a joke about needing a Kleenex factory in the house. This seems to snap the spell and the girls all head to their rooms.
Upstairs, Avonte is having a hard time with the message Steve is sending her. Jane says she agrees with Steve’s assessment that Avonte is nothing more than a mistress. No one likes Jane at this point and Avonte, who was probably more willing than anyone before to give her a chance, now writes her off too. Chasity almost hits the mark on identifying Jane’s problem when she says she doesn’t think Jane is as tough as she seems.

The next day, Steve tells them this week is all about love in the digital age. He gives each of the girls a text-only phone to allow them an opportunity to get to know their dates for the next day. Brigette looks a little nervous about the texting idea.

The girls will be going out with men Steve has picked for them. Each girl receives a card with her man’s information and picture. Brigette looks relieved when she finds out she’ll be going on a second date with Anthony – her pick from the elevator exercise. Most of the girls are pleased with the men on their cards, except, of course, our shallow fickle friend Leilani. She’s upset that her guy is a banker. Whatever – there is no pleasing this bitch. I think I found who my scathing commentary will be directed at for this show.

As always, there’s a twist to this little task. The girls think they are texting the men they will be going out on dates with, but Steve knows that would be a disaster waiting to happen, so he’s gonna play the role of their flirty boyfriends. The girls are nervous and don’t quite know what to say to break the digital ice. Michelle resorts to her fitness training career and gives Claudia a pep talk, “we’re all in this together- let’s kick ass!”

Brigette struggles with her message. ‘Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I shouldn’t write that. Wait, no, I will. I’m gonna do it. I just sent it!’

Michelle sends a smiley face in her text and Claudia reports they were all acting like 13-year-olds. Christine gets the creativity award for her double entendre when talking about going fishing, “I’ll need you to bait my hook.” Steve takes this the non-literal way. But I find it amusing that he decides to respond back and suddenly gets as giggly and unsure of himself as the girls, worrying that his response it too smooth and he’s gonna get caught.

Christine debates how to respond to Steve’s loaded text as she sips her wine, which brings us to Rule #32. Who knew there were dating rules? Why didn’t I know about this when I floundered about in the dating world for the last 20 years? Just in case Steve is making this shit up, I’m gonna attempt to compile the complete set of rules (because if there’s a book, I’m too cheap to buy it.) Anyway, Rule #32 apparently is Don’t Drink and Text. Good advice! Later, we’ll get to see a good example of why this rule is so important.

Steve hilariously asks Chasity if she can dance. Brigette uses LMAO in her response to Steve’s question about the scariest thing she’s done with a man. While I applaud her answer of Haunted House for its clear message that she is a respectable woman who won’t be getting dirty in a text, I’m a little confused about why she thinks that answer is so funny. I could see maybe a LOL, but a LMAO!!!! seems a little overboard. Steve thinks so too.

And then there’s Avonte (te he he). She first gets a really nice text about how her man is hoping to change the world. She’s suspicious but Jane points out that it sounds like he’s a good guy. Interestingly, Jane and Avonte are hanging out together in the bedroom, making me wonder about the time line and editing because Avonte said a little earlier that she was pretty much writing Jane off. Anyway, Avonte shoots her man back a text asking him if he works out. Then another question occurs to her and she sends him another text asking him if he likes going out (’cause she doesn’t like a man who likes to go out too much). Text upon text pings Steve, who decides the best treatment would be to ignore her. This hilariously escalates Avonte – she keeps sending texts as Jane tries to reason with her not to go all psycho. Finally she gives up after sending something like 7 unanswered texts by stating, “I don’t think I’m liking this Donald.”

I’ve never been the other woman, so I don’t really know how it works, but wouldn’t Avonte have had to put up with unanswered texts for 9 years with a married man? There had to be times when he was with his wife and couldn’t write her back (and I’m guessing she’d be texting him a lot out of insecurity). This is the first hint of PSYCHO HOT MESS that I’m seeing from my favorite girl.

Ironically, just after this clip, my streaming video went to an ad for funsexycool, an ap that allows you to flirt w/singles in your area for free. Great timing, considering we just saw the smartest girl in the house freak out on a texting machine.

Back to our show, the girls are meeting with Steve and he asks them about their conversations. Brigette volunteers her LMAO response to her date and Steve reels her in, asking what that meant. She explains it is “Laugh My Ass Off” and Michelle chimes in she wouldn’t know that. When Steve asks what else Brigette sent, she endearingly admits to smiley faces. Steve bluntly tells the girls men hate that shit. Use words and grammer when texting a male. So Brigette goes through a list of banned acronyms she had no idea she wasn’t allowed to use. I am impressed with her little spelling bee.

Then Steve tells the girls he is going to give his opinion of their conversations. He says this should be no trouble, since it was him the girls were texting all along. While most of the girls react with the surprise and embarrassment you would expect, Avonte does not miss a beat and tells Steve he should’ve gotten back to her quicker than he did. I love this girl! Steve tells them he had to protect them from the loaded weapons they were slinging and teach them some texting ethics. I think he means etiquette, but whatev.

He starts with Christine by calling her a perv. She defends herself saying she really did simply mean she doesn’t like to put a worm on a hook. Steve still scolds her for drinking and texting.

According to Steve, Avonte waits for no man. He warns that too many texts sent in succession will cause conversational confusion. No matter how much a guy likes a girl, if she sends 3 unanswered texts, he’s gonna start worrying he has a basketcase on his hands. Avonte realizes Steve is once again right.

Steve wraps up the lesson by telling the girls men only like texting for logistics, so keep them down to a bare minimum.

After the break, time has magically warped to the night of their dates. The girls meet their men at different booths in the same sports bar. Jane says she is happy with her guy Brandon – he’s hotter than she thought.

Avonte is not attracted to her date Donald at all because he has “tiny baby dreads”, as she calls them. I have to agree he would look a lot better with a different hair style, but he’s still good looking and a horrible ‘do is no reason to be mean. But Avonte can’t let it go. Practically her first words to him were if he’s planning on changing his hair anytime soon. Then she says the dreads are freaking her out and she feels like they are literally coming at her like Medusa. Worse she says it looks like he’s going to rob her. Donald is well spoken, tolerating her bullcrap and has a cute smile. You are missing out with your prejudice, sister! Steve thinks Donald should just get up and walk out. I think it would be a great lesson for my girl. Oh, by the way, this is violation of rule #28: Don’t be rude – it just makes you look ugly.

Brigette seems very comfortable with Anthony and they are making nice small talk about their families.

Leilani informs her date that he looks much better than his picture. She sincerely thinks this is a compliment and nods her head in agreement when, at a loss for words, her date says “thank you, that’s very sweet.” She admits to us that she didn’t bother to wash her hair or prep for the date because she was sure he was going to be hideous. Now she’s regretting her rash decision and playing with her hair self-consciously because she thinks it is too dirty and unattractive.

Chasity’s got smoking hot Al at her table and they are hitting it off. There’s a lot of chemistry and he’s promising to show her a thing or two about basketball.

As the girls are settling in with their dates, Steve appears on the multiple large screen tv’s scattered throughout the bar. After what happens next, I sincerely hope no one else was in this bar besides the girls and their dates. Steve tells the girls that guys will check you out on-line shortly after meeting you. He’s gonna save these men the trouble of making the effort by revealing right now the best of the worst content to be found about our girls. A plucking guitar music starts up that has an eery similarity to the music from Deliverance.

Avonte and Jane look scared; they should be!

Brigette clues in; “Oh my God, they raided our Facebook pages!” Yes they did, sister, yes they did:

Brigette is absolutely mortified. Her date, however, suddenly sees her in a new light.

In addition to this fine photo, Brigette also has a pleasure ring vibrator picture on her FB page, which makes Steve remark the message she is sending out is: Buy this girl a drink and you are guaranteed a good time. Anthony can see how upset Brigette is, so he sweetly grabs her hand and reassures her that it’s okay.

And then:

You don’t even like your date, Avonte, so what should it matter if this shows up?

Avonte is getting mad. Steve says she’s telling people that all she has is sex on the brain. Everyone is tittering at her pictures.

Leilani is so fucking clueless that she’s actually interested to see what they have on her. I think she’s hoping that there will be a good picture where she looks sexy, since she failed to dress up for her date.

They show one of her topless modeling pics which of course looks very nice. And then they start showing stuff that I guess was too graphic for us to see because all we get is the shocked looks of some of the other girls. Michelle tells us she would never,ever do the stuff Leilani is doing in those pics. I wonder what it could be.

Leilani pretends to be embarrassed, but she is clearly pleased at how good she looks in all of her mystery content. I’m not giving the bitch the satisfaction of showing her ANTM-esque photo here. F#$% you, Leilani. Steve says she appears as just another sex object, which I’m sure is fine by her.

Chasity naturally has pics of her as a go-go dancer in Vegas. And then they roll out this one:

Too drunk to stand! Her date Al  just sort of looks at her questioningly and she says she’s slowed down a little. A little? Is this when your hairline went astray? (Thanks reader Carol for pointing that one out.)

Chasity has to admit to Al that she is a go-go dancer. Since he doesn’t ask the usual follow up question of “does that make you a stripper?”, she thinks he’s okay with the information. She really likes this guy and gets her hopes up that he won’t mind.

Steve tells Christine she needs a status update on FB. It looks like she hasn’t been on it since her divorce. There’s an entire folder of pictures titled “Our New House”, as well as photos of her and her husband. That pretty much rips the needle off the record on her hilarity.

She looks abashed as Steve says the message she is sending out is that she is either married or hasn’t moved on.

And then there’s Jane…… Jane, Jane, Jane. Ever trying to distance herself from others, her first FB post is of her bloody tooth.

She truly is hoping a superhero will come along with x-ray vision and see through the walls she’s put up to assure her that she is lovable without being perfect. Then we see a FB status post of her pointing out how crazy she is.

She actually thinks this is funny -

Until:

Out comes the mugshot from Jane’s recent DUI arrest. Shocked faces all around and Jane is absolutely horrified. I do have to say though that as far as mug shots go, she looks pretty good in this one.

By the way, it’s hard to tell here but the “I’m crazy” FB post and the DUI mugshot are in the same dress. If they occurred on the same night, this is another shining example of the dangers of rule #32.

As you can imagine, Jane is mortified and starts to cry. Her date apologizes and she tells him this is extremely personal and not something she wanted to get out. But it’s public information. Steve says she should just own up to it and move on. She apologizes to Brandon and says she’s glad he’s taking it so cool. She wants to run away. Jane has no idea how to act now that something real has been exposed about her. She storms out and tries to get away from the cameras, but they keep following her, making her more upset.

Avonte says seeing Jane’s mugshot was not a shock because she “can’t not see this girl in jail for something.”

Back at the house, the girls are gathered around Jane who is incredibly upset. Finally her walls are crumbling too fast for her to patch them up. Avonte says Jane is finally being real but is still fighting it for some reason. She can’t relate to Jane when Janes hides behind the bull shit. Avonte tries to crack her shell.

Jane admits she really wants the girls to like her and she doesn’t want anyone to know how sensitive and messed up she is. She tries very hard to control the image she projects in the hopes that people will see her as better than she really believes she is. She is finally learning no one likes you when you try to be perfect. Avonte tells her that finally she is being real and now Avonte can connect with her.

The other girls gather around Jane and she realizes she has to be honest to be friends with them. Claudia assures her they all have issues – she’s not alone. In fact, I’d say her problems are no better or worse than anyone else’s in the house – she has just made them into insurmountable obstacles in her own head. She’s going to be fine and maybe now we’ll get to see the real Jane. What this proves is that there really is a silver lining in every dark cloud. In fact, as a testament to her actually not being crazy, she has been sober for 210 days. You go, Jane!

The doorbell rings and Anthony appears at the house! Steve has sent him back to the mansion for a little more get to know you time with Brigette. The girls seem a little jealous that Brigette is getting more time with her man. Chasity keeps watching the door, hoping Al is also going to come in and hang with her. Sweet thing, you really still believe he’s okay with your go-go dancing ways?

Brigette is doing a good job of making nice small talk with Anthony and they discover a common love for small dogs. And then the kissing starts.

After Anthony leaves, Brigette says she’s going to take it slow with Anthony and the girls all hi-five.

Group Time! The girls get all dolled up as Steve tells them that information technology can hurt love lives. He praises Brigette as having done the best this week in handling the privacy reveal so well. To be fair, I think she only handled it well because Anthony came to her rescue. It is true though that this situation probably brought her and Anthony closer. Brigette says she is feeling a stronger connection with Anthony and in his inteview he says the same thing! It is looking good for Brigette and Anthony but Steve warns them not to move too fast. I foresee this lasting about two more dates before Brigette pulls out her wedding planner and asks him to name the day.

Chasity tells Steve that she felt a lot of chemistry with Al and she would be very happy to date him. Steve asks her if she really thinks it’s possible for her to remain a go-go dancer and have a guy want to date her. She is delusional enough to think it could happen. So Steve rolls the tape on his interview with Al. Of course Al liked her and felt the chemistry too, but when he found out she was a go-go dancer, he lost interest.

Chasity is visibly bummed. Steve then tells her if she is serious about finding a man, she needs to quit dancing right now, this very night. Chasity isn’t ready to make that decision yet – she still thinks she can find the perfect man who won’t mind her career. Steve warns her that from now on, every man he sets her up with will know what she does for a living.

Steve then turns to Jane and invites her to get it all off her chest. I’m sure we were all expecting her to rage at Steve in the psycho manner she has promised when someone does her wrong, but she seems too exhausted and defeated to do much more than protest that none of them deserved the exposure he conjured up for them. She tells Steve she didn’t sign up for this (um, yes you did). Steve tells her he doesn’t feel bad because it is public information and all he did was provide her with a safe place to learn how to deal with a situation that could happen again at any time. Jane seems to understand that Steve is right. Besides, she has female friends for the first time in her life. This makes her break down again as Michelle sweetly states, “Yes you do!”

Steve asks Leilani about her date and she says it was odd. Steve was setting her up with a man who had everything she wanted – WHAT??? THis is the same guy she was pissed about being set up with because she didn’t think he was hot enough. Whatever, little hypocritical bitch. Anyway, she’s excited that he totally disagrees with Steve about her. Geez, we missed that part. If her date had actually argued that she wasn’t arrogant, vain and superficial, I’m pretty sure the editors would not have cut it out. Leilani says they had a brilliant time and she’s gloating – she actually thinks this proves Steve wrong. This is the girl who needs to be named Ms. Delusional! So Steve goes to the video for the feedback on Leilani and her date says she was vague about what she wanted beyond looks in a man and if that is a focus in the relationship it would be a deal breaker for him. This of course pisses Leilani off and she starts to argue with Steve. SHE JUST DOESN”T GET IT. She literally cannot see the forest for the trees when it comes to her inability to be interested in more than the superficial. Steve nearly loses it over her cluelessness. By the way, no pics for you, Leilani cause I know you want them. F* you.

Then Steve says there is someone who did even worse than Leilani and he calls Avonte up to the hot seat. He starts drilling her, asking her if she likes being rude and embarrassing people, etc. She claims she couldn’t help it, she’s the kind of girl who voices her opinion. What she needs is a man that can either handle it or put her in check.

I’m sorry, what?

So if Donald had just said, “Shut up bitch and eat your asparagus” she would have settled down and accepted his baby dreads? That makes no freaking sense. Worse, I can see that Leilani is agreeing with Avonte’s defense which only goes to show how wrong it is.

Since Avonte doesn’t think there was anything wrong with her behavior, Steve decides to show the other girls what she did. Chasity gets visibly pissed when Avonte suggests to Donald that he looks like someone who would rob her. Brigette and Michelle, probably the sweetest girls in the group besides Chasity, both looked shocked at Avonte’s insults. While they are watching it, you can see that both Avonte and Leilani think it is funny. I’m getting seriously bummed that I have overestimated this girl. Shit, Avonte, don’t let me down.

Avonte tells Steve she needs a man that can take it and that’s what she wants Steve to hook her up with. Steve tells her she has to earn the meetings he gives her and right now she knows how to respect people but she’s refusing to do it. This sobers her up and she finally understands what the problem is. One thing about this girl (whom I may now distance myself from), she knows how to admit when someone else is right.

Despite his best attempts to grill her, Avonte is a tough girl and can take it. So when he realizes she got the point and there will be no emmy award winning dramatic crying, he lets her return to her seat. He tells the girls that they may have come to Miami imagining they were just going to have a good time but he’s going to push them to the brink. He’s going to shake their core and make them stronger. If the girls do the work, they will have a better life.

And so another episode of Tough Love Miami comes to an end. I noticed that Claudia was barely featured in this episode, so here’s a shot of this week’s ruffle boobs for your viewing pleasure.

See you on episode 3!