Hi again everyone! Welcome to episode 4 of Tough Love Miami.
This week, Steve has decided to teach the girls how to successfully communicate their interest in a man by using the age old technique of flirting. According to Steve, flirting must surely have been around longer than the spoken word, since using eyes and touch could always give a man clear signals.
I’m a little dubious about this theory. Did women really go around giving a come-hither look to their troglodyte men, hoping for a club on the head? Maybe if Steve had been alive back then we women wouldn’t still be struggling with the art of flirting today. I wonder what his cave-man class would have looked like….
Rule # - oh shit we don't have numbers. Whatever. Rule # UGOG: Never crouch in front of a man unless you mean it.
Our episode begins with all the girls advising Brigette to slow down. Avonte apologizes to Brig for calling her out on “Pulling A Brigette” (I’m guessing Avonte came up with the term), but then uses the opportunity to further convince Brig what a bad idea it is to fall in love too fast. Brigette seems to be listening and she looks pretty cute in her own distressed Bambi way.
Who's this guy Anthony they keep talking about?
So the next day… or is it the next week?… How does the time frame work and what are these girls doing when they aren’t learning about tough love? Since we’ve seen the girls milling about their pool in bikinis with drinks and we know Chasity has been shopping, I’m gonna sign up for this show (husband be damned) if it is as luxurious as it seems!
Anyway, the next something has Steve arriving to tell the girls that they need to know how to not only flirt with words but how to SHOW their interest to a man.
He sends them to a beach in Ft. Lauderdale, where our girls discover a line of muscley hunks waiting for them (to be more accurate, they were mostly muscley hunks….)
The twist to this challenge is that the men supposedly don’t speak English. Instead, they comprise a melting pot of hot guys with foreign tongues. Yum. The girls are going to have to communicate using just body language to teach their dates how to salsa, make a mojito and roll a cigar. I’m not sure why it is assumed that A: our girls know how to do these things (with the obvious exception that Claudia can surely salsa) and B: these guys who live in Miami wouldn’t already know how to do these things. Any girls out there know how to roll a cigar?
Steve tells us men are visual, not verbal. So giving the girls this exercise will help them figure out ways to make a man understand them better. Chasity best illustrates this when she points to herself and tells her date “Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey. Do you like Mariah Carey? How about Michael Jackson? He-he” Her date looks convincingly confused, as if she’s just told him her very long and nonsensical name. Steve busts in with Rule #57: Rephrase – don’t repeat.
Claudia is trying to ask her man what kind of pet he has. I think she should have given up after both meow-meow cat and woof-woof dog failed, but she hangs on, desperate to make herself understood.
No, Claudia - he doesn't have a bok-bok chicken.
Michelle looks cute. She’s having fun. She’s dressed in ripped jeans. I think we’ve just met fifteen year old Mochi, Michelle’s adorable third personality.
I like Mochi, she knows how to have good clean fun - unlike skanky Micha.
It’s hard to know what Brigette is trying to communicate to her date. It involves a lot of hmmmming – maybe they discovered they are both telepathic.
Hm Hm Hm!
Chasity has a great looking date who speaks Creole. It seems to me with the mix of French and English in the language, there would be at least a few words they could communicate with, but as far as Chasity’s concerned, he could be speaking Japanese.
He's not a pole, Chasity!
Avonte is practicing her one-two flirting technique:
Are you a Russian spy...
or just married?
Back at the ranch, Steve discusses the girls success on their dates. Then he goes to the tape and (shock of all shocks) is speaking English with the men and asking for their opinion of the girls’ communication skills.
Ok, Chas and Brig I can understand, but Avonte? Really, you didn't see this one coming?
The guys appreciated the women’s attempts and Steve reminds the girls that these were not dates – this was only an exercise – I think this disappoints Mochi.
Grown ups don't slouch, Mochi.
Hilariously, Avonte says she had a great time and surmises maybe she needs a man that doesn’t speak English. Good call, girl! Steve tells the girls that he put them in this situation to give them a chance to communicate without saying the wrong thing. Good call, Steve!
Steve tells us that the girls need to learn proper signals to communicate interest. Obviously, physical contact can generate a positive message. Apparently, men also like to hear their own name. Darn it, why the hell didn’t I know about this when I was in the dating arena? Such a simple thing to do. *sigh* Anyway, Steve also says that facial expressions are 50% of communication.
So what does this say to a man... "Me so crazy?"
Steve tries to impersonate Brigette to show her how silly she sometimes looks. The only thing I notice is that his lips are as pink as his shirt.
Epic fail, Steve. Lay off the botox.
Avonte is worried about what lies ahead. She’s smart enough to know her non-verbal communication is as aggressive and unfriendly as the things coming out of her mouth.
Even my boobs push men away.
After their meeting with Steve, there is a light moment when Leilani claims she doesn’t know how to flirt, but Avonte disagrees and illustrates how Leilani does a deer in the headlights hair twirl to flirt with everyone she sees.
This is how you flirt, Leilani
Leilani can't argue with such convincing evidence
Actually, Jane does the best impersonation of Leilani.
I'm gonna need to see your bank account, please.
The next day, Steve informs the girls that he will be the mastermind behind their dates. They have to wear this
Sure looks like a mouse fetus to me.
in their ear! Steve will be commanding the girls to flirt in ways they never would normally. He wants them to learn the boundries of positive signals for men. The hope is the girls will step outside of their comfort zone and learn what kind of flirting can help them make a nice date into a wowzer.
Dear God, please let this not be the week where Steve introduces me to Kendoll Kennedy, my future senator husband.
Steve promises he won’t push them too far, but they are going to have to trust him and do everything he instructs through their little earpiece. Avonte is rightfully suspicious of Steve.
Without all that monstrous cleavage hanging out, even with suspicion on her face, you can see how pretty she is.
After their debriefing, the girls all get up to go out on their dates.
Not sure what is going on here...
Brigette’s date is first and Steve isn’t sure if she needs flirting lessons or a cold shower. She is meeting Anthony once again and Steve whispers in her ear that she has to unbutton Anthony’s shirt.
I don't think Anthony needs this kind of encouragement.
She does a good job of hiding the evil voice in her head from Anthony and comes up with the excuse that his chest is sexy to get his shirt open. Well done, Brig! Unfortunately, Anthony isn’t really in need of signals telling him that Brigette wants him. He asks if Brigette is planning on going out on dates with other people and she tells him she doesn’t want to, but she’s kind of waiting for Anthony to sweep her off her feet. To which he replies, “what’s your ring size?” WTF???!!!
From alluring to scared shitless in 4.5 seconds.
Yeah Steve, it's all fun and games until someone gets psycho.
Brigette recovers from the shock and lightens the tension by laughing it off as a joke. Anthony is pretending to laugh, but I think this stalker means it. Brigette then challenges Anthony to do it.
Oooh girlfriend, you are so going to get reamed at group tonight!
Avonte is with Josh. Despite her suspicion, she does a great job obeying Steve’s commands. She invites Josh to move closer and touches him. This guy is blown away by the sexiness oozing out of her
That's right, angel. You just keep looking at my boobs while I chew you up and spit you out.
Poor Josh can’t even form a complete sentence in his attempt to tell her she’s blowing him away. I’m proud of my girl, she’s making eye contact, squirming around coyly, laughing and smiling. I think she is really enjoying herself.
Yay, Avonte is not a battle-ax on this date!
Christine is with Jason. She decides she knows best how to flirt in a classy (i.e. matronly) way and she’s going to ignore Steve.
God, he's like a little botox bug in my ear!
Her decision means, rather than enticing Jason by whispering in his ear, she ignores Steve’s command and talks about how they are both from the midwest…
Iowa and Ohio - both mostly vowels! We are so alike!
and how she saw a shop here in Miami Beach named Christine, so naturally she had to go in, because, you know, that is her name…
And then I found a pair of shoes. It was great!
Steve is beside himself. He can’t get her to cooperate at all.
C'mon, bitch! What, is there a bronzer build-up in your ears?
As her date ends, Christine tells Jason she had a WUN-DER-FULL time.
I f&$#ing could have watched the Reds/Mets game.
Chasity follows instructions well. First she obeys Steve and asks to take a sip of her date’s drink. Then she comes up with her own funny quip when she finds out her date is a hunter and asks him how big his gun is. Steve clues in:
Chasity, flip your hair if you don't know the name of your date.
There it is!
Poor Jane. She arrived to her date starving. As she gorges on her burger, we learn Rule #87: Don’t talk with your mouth full. Why is that rule so low on the list?
Jane’s date is named Arthur. And they have a lot in common. She’s a singer, he’s a songwriter. They both have Viking appetites. Arthur actually calls Jane an ideal woman!
Except for (uurp!) the way you eat.
We don’t actually see Steve teach Jane any flirting techniques. Jane is suspicious that her date is too good to be true.
OMG - I totally sprayed him with masticated beef and he still said he liked me! WTF?
Steve is going to teach Michelle how to go over the top in flirting while still staying true to who she is. The question is, who is she tonight?
The face says Mochi but the dress says Micha. Could this be personality #4?
Michelle’s date is covered in piercings. This leads Steve to have her ask if she can see a pierced nipple. She’s a good sport and finds a way to ask (this seems too outrageous to be real flirting to me). Bless Michelle’s heart, she puts her trust in Steve and repeats his exact question, “would you ever consider getting a Prince Albert?” Her date smoothly answers – it’s obvious he has considered it and ruled it out. And what is it, you ask?
Steve made me ask about that???
That was a mean move on Steve’s part – that doesn’t seem like flirting at all. And I think we must have Michelle with us tonight because she then insists she would never, ever, ever ask a question like that on her own.
Michelle might never ask it, but Micha would find out for herself.
Leilani and George are on their third date. George has brought her a gift! But based on the way he makes sure he gets his close up with the camera:
Crap! Is her arm blocking my profile?
I’m not buying his sincerety. The necklace he gives Lelaini is probably an attempt at promoting his real girlfriend’s jewelry line.
Leilani loves it, though.
Steve tries to get Leilani to make some physical contact with George, but she doesn’t want to put her arm around her date. She’s the absolute worst actress in the bunch and cannot hide the fact that Steve is whispering in her ear.
Steeeeeeve. I don't WANT to touch him!
After the dates end, we discover Leilani huddled under her blankets in sloppy tears. She thinks George is never going to want to see her again, for some reason.
George must hate me now because he saw how giraffy I am when he put on the necklace.
The girls try to rally around her, but really, no one can figure out what the problem is. Leilani says now if George hates her it is Steve’s fault because he made her act in a way she normally wouldn’t. From the footage we saw, this doesn’t really add up: she refused to do anything Steve asked of her, so at best George noticed her acting antsy and quirky. What man would break up with a woman over that on the third date? She actually has the audacity to suspect Steve put George up to giving her the necklace, in which case, she doesn’t want it.
If George really gave this to me, then I love it and it's special. Otherwise, any one of you bitches can have this cheap piece of shit.
What is she getting on about and why is she so suspicious? This really does seem like an invented excuse to have a pity party. Still, the girls rally around her and offer support and encouragement as best they can. Brigette seems to do the best job of understanding and calming Leilani down, proving once and for all that this pity party made absolutely no sense.
I really hope the camera is catching my adorable wounded animal look.
These girls seem like they are really and truly friends. While it is refreshing to see a show where a group of women aren’t undermining each other and fighting not to be eliminated, it sure as hell makes it harder to make fun of them.
Could somebody please throw ice cream, bitch slap, pull hair or at the very least kick sand in someone's face??? Please???
As the girls are preparing for group, we find out that Christine is pretty sure her date went great. She expects to be singled out as doing the best today because she took great direction (??).
You'll wear your Ms. Delusional crown, Christine, and you'll like it!
Chasity tells us she knows she did well, because flirting is part of her job, so naturally she’s the best flirt in the house. Awesome achievement, Chas. And then I see her straightner:
Even Chasity's hair products are go-go.
First one called for doing the best this week is Avonte! I’m so proud my girl’s hoochi-coochi got top honors. Somebody else is apparently jealous for the second time in her life.
I was gonna save this dress for my senator husband's funeral, but what's the f&*#ing point?
And now a cheesy grin from our winner!
In the feedback, Josh tells us that Avonte is a smoking hot woman, friendly and open. He would love to see her again. Steve asks Avonte if she wants to see Josh again. I’m a little confused by her answer. She says Josh is someone she would never think to go out with, so she’s glad Steve set her up with someone she would normally overlook. So is that a yes? I’m still not sure. But the girls all love watching Avonte’s flirting in action.
They are truly supportive of each other! Damn it.
Steve turns to Christine. She tells him she thought she did well and that they had amazing conversation on their date. She was very attracted to him and believes they had a lot in common. Unfortunately, Jason says she was pleasant, but her looks and actions match up; i.e. vapid pageant girl. He says there was no chemistry and he’s not interested in a second date. Although Christine is delusional, it kills me to literally watch her lose hope.
Bronzed vanilla heartbreak.
Steve tells her what she needs to do is be the same girl on dates as she is in the house. Too true!
You're so much cuter when you look and act natural!
Brigette reports to Steve that Anthony said things to freak her out and make her nervous. Steve lambasts her with “I TOLD you this would happen!”
OMG, SGKM! (Steve's gonna kill me)
Anthony is serious about Brigette. She says she likes Anthony and Steve points out he’s glad she at least likes Anthony. Then he shows the tape and the ring size comment.
Ew, Me, Mochi AND Micha think that's creepy!
Steve tells Brigette that this is it. He’s splitting them up.
Nooooo! Albert could be my one and only. I mean Anthony.
Steve wants to see how Brigette feels about Anthony after her next date. After all, Anthony will still be around if she actually misses him.
Chasity tells Steve she’s pretty sure she did well, since flirting is all in a days work. Plus, she wasn’t attracted to her date at all, so she had to act the whole night.
Flirting increases my tips by 38.9%. I did the math. Twice.
Steve points out that the only date Chasity has been attracted to so far is Al, the one guy she still pines for (who didn’t want to be with her when he found out she was a go-go dancer). Steve asks if she wants to see Al again and of course she does. But Al doesn’t want her to dance, so Chasity says she might just lie to Al and tell him she’s not dancing – how would anyone know the difference?
Damn, girl. You don't actually admit that stuff out loud!
When Steve calls her on it, she says she would need to think about it. But there’s no time to think, because Al is here!
Give up the pole, girl. You've got a future career as 'First Girl Killed' in those bad B movie horror films
Seeing Al changes everything. She asks why he’s not okay with the go-go thing and he answers honestly that he wouldn’t want to take a girl like that home to meet his family.
Al is yumalicious.
Chasity needs a moment to deliberate.
200 grand a year or hot guy?
Al waits on tenterhooks.
If this chick says no I'm so going to fire my agent.
And then Chasity says she’ll do it. She’ll quit go-go dancing – right here, right now. To prove she means it, she offers the ancient deal locking secret ritual of the pinky swear.
And with the lift of her pinky, she's suddenly unemployed.
YAY! Everyone is ecstatic! Chas is gonna get another date with Al!
You idiots believed that? Please! I'll be at the Playboy mansion in less than two months!
Chas gets to give Al a hug. Then she hugs Steve too.
Chasity: Thank you, Steve, thank you! Al: Damn, is that a flapper dress on my ho?
Truly happy girl
Leilani is already crying in anticipation of being called in the hot seat. Tonight she’s wearing a firey red glitter dress, which is so apropos.
Look how the girls all support each other!
Steve lights into her; every time something doesn’t go her way she gets pouty and whiny and blames Steve. He tells her he’s always going to have her back.
Um, it's just that, um...well, I don't really have a reason exactly, except you made me seem less than perfect in front of George.
She asks about the necklace and Steve tells her he did not put George up to giving it to her. Maybe that was what this whole boo-hoo fest was about; she really wanted that necklace to be from George because that could be interpreted as a significant and serious gesture. But she’s too proud to let herself look like a fool, so she prepared for the worst and sobbed her way into the hot seat.
We go to the feedback and George says he could tell something was up, but he thought it was sweet. Leilani had nothing to worry about all along. Steve then gives her his best cheesy line yet:
I know you're from England, but you're not a princess!
He lets her go with the warning not to feel sorry for herself anymore.
Woe is me. I got yelled at for woe is meing.
The final pep talk involves lighthouse and fog metaphors and the summation that they all deserve to be loved. They just need to follow Steve.
It’s time for my Claudia pics. First of all, to the producers of VH1:
If Claudia can't make a scene, don't insult our intelligence and replace her with a drag queen. We can tell the difference.
Sadly, in this episode, Claudia was absolutely devoid of ruffles. I checked and re-checked. The best I can do is this outfit:
Smoking red dress paired with Uggs
And finally, here’s a new idea.
I give you an interesting moment from the show and you guys write your ideas for what the caption should be. Ready? Go!
See you all next week.