Tough Love N.O. Recap: Snoop dogs.

Greetings Gamii,

I’m so happy Tough Love is back! I was kind of dreading the idea of two assignments in the same season, but this show is the balm that soothes the Celebrity Apprentice beast I must endure every Sunday. If only Tough Love were two hours long and the Trumpster ratcheted his show down to 40 minutes, it would be a perfect world.

So this week, Steve wants to teach the girls the difference between perception and reality. I think Steve needs a lesson in this himself.

Perception: Steve just whipped off his Mardi Gras beads but forgot to wipe off the parade glam.
Reality: The show needs a new make-up artist; preferably one that is not a drag queen.

The task today will be to have the girls create on-line dating profiles to see what kind of message they are sending out to men. I’m arrested by what I see next:

Look at how stunningly adorbs Stephanie is!!!!

If only the lips would recede, she would be a knock out. I did a quick Google search and while some sites claim that silicone lip injections last forever, let’s hope that Stephanie’s lips fade down in time. Regardless, she is a darling and I’m really glad she listened to Steve’s advice and toned down the look. She admits the apparel is comfortable but that it will take some getting used to.

When Steve asks who has tried on-line dating, pretty much everyone raises their hand, including Tiffany. I’m not sure Craigslist counts as on-line dating, but I could be wrong. Despina tells us she’s never even thought about trying it.

She already gets laid 8 days a week.

And now an apology to Danielle:

Dear Danielle, Forgive me for hating last epi.
This time you were no trouble at all.
Sincerely, a very judgmental Luscious

I was surprised this episode that Danielle seemed to spend quite a bit of time with Donna, whom she made fun of last week. Although this kind of capriciousness is irritating in women, I appreciate that she did not make fun of Donna behind her back.

On the other hand, from this first horsey grin,
Donna got on my last nerve the entire hour.

This is a cool exercise – the girls are getting to know each other better and having a good time filling out the questionnaire and we’re learning more about them too. Tiffany wants to say that a man’s looks aren’t important unless they are having children together.

Holy crap, how many kids are you planning on having?

Stephanie writes that her worst trait is that she is too sensitive. She says she could put down some traits that would send men running scared. I don’t care. Right now I’m just loving getting an eye full of her new look.

OMG – delish!

The questionnaire wants to know who they consider a hero:

Thppt! Who needs a hero?

I need a hero!

Grandma’s hero is Barbra Streisand. That should get her a few beards.
P.S. Babs spent 27 years as a single lady between marriages.

We start to see some of the complications that have created the gold digger Elizabeth is today. She wistfully wishes she could say her mother was her hero, but that is not her reality.

It’s starting to look like she was programmed to dig for gold.

Both Despina and Shalana have never had a real relationship. Although they don’t show it, I guess Melissa would be in this category too. I am surprised that Shalana has never had a boyfriend, since she’s got a little boy.

Prince Charming need not be fertile.

Donna absolutely insists that her man has good hygiene. If he bites his nails, it will turn her off when he grabs her boobs. Because apparently they are such amazing 40 year old bags that only manicured perfect digits may caress them.

No sweaty, smelly balls!

Seriously, Donna sounds like she invents reasons to rule out men.

Why didn’t you tell me you want a gay politician husband?

So it baffles me that Danielle and Donna seem like they are now BFF’s. Donna is taking pics of Danielle for their on-line profiles and the frumpy Grandma is trying to offer suggestions of how Danielle can make herself appealing.

But nobody looks good at this angle.

Now that the girls have finished creating their profiles, Steve has plucked three men to help teach the girls how men truly respond to the perceptions they unknowingly project. This isn’t really fair to the girls, since Steve admits these men are not from the real world.

Meet the home-grown men created in Steve’s very own Love Lab

Poor Elizabeth looks terrified to find out what these men think of her. Who knew a girl with such high expectations of how she should be treated could have such a low level of self confidence?

Digging for gold to fill up a hole seems counterproductive.

First up for review is Danielle.  Her first photo is the lounging butt in your face shot that Donna took. All the men can think about, as Steve so elegantly puts it, is “entry points.”

I don’t think having the words passionate, fun loving and
loud under this photo are helping her cause.

Danielle is shocked that they write her off as
porn material just on this one picture.

Personally I find this a stunning revelation. Danielle has another picture in the same chair where her legs are reversed and all the men agree that if that were her main profile pic they would have seen her as someone to consider. But once they looked at that come hither booty shot, they didn’t even bother to read her profile – they immediately pigeonholed her as a slut. Damn! No wonder my husband can’t find the new gallon of milk in the fridge sitting behind the old gallon. Men don’t know how to scratch the surface! I better check out all my single girlfriends’ profiles and warn them of these potential landmines.

Shalana is next and the men are digging her profile. They love her photo and have no problem with the fact that she has a son. What does turn them off is the fact that she’s never been in a relationship, especially since she is a mother. Poor girl shakes her head: I wonder what the story is there.

Whatever it is, these men are fools to diss a possessed woman.

Elizabeth is getting rave reviews until Steve points out that in the family section, she referred to her family as controlling, unfair and judgmental. The men all agree that would have them dismissing her and moving on to the next girl.  I’m a little confused – who knew Elizabeth had such huge family issues and why would that be a problem for the men? Man am I clueless about that other, weirdo half of the human race.

Elizabeth is gutted by their words.

The men think that Despina is beautiful, but with her far away picture and using words like loner, they say she has intimacy issues. Then Steve points out that her idea of a good date always ends in sex. The men say that’s all they will be thinking about at dinner and it’s kind of uncool. Despina finds it hypocritical that they pretend to not be into the sex because she knows secretly they really are. She proposes they are just mad that she already knows how they think and she operates at their level. Some of what she’s saying makes sense to me. This child is not good for me to listen to.

The men start to fidget after they read Despina’s profile. A lot.

Tiffany hasn’t answered very many of the questions on the dating profile and the men say they want something to work with and that she should be selling herself. I say, what’s the point if they write you off with the first accidentally hussy photo posted? Sadly, Tiffany seems to be in agreement with me, since she mutters “shut up” to the comments the boys are making about her lack of information. I would prefer to never be in agreement with Tiffany.

Steve points out that Tiffany only did the bare minimum and she didn’t bother to mention her kids in her profile, which he considers vital information. Tiffany doesn’t see what the problem is.

She says she wrote enough to get across who she really is.

Really?

Maybe if she just added “in diapers” to describe her family
she would have appeared a little more honest.

Look Madawi, this one says her relationship goal is to be happy. How unique!

When the men first look at Stephanie, they have the same reaction we all did: completely plastic and fake. But then they look at more pictures and realize she is a pretty girl and they all love the photo of her in her current dressed down outfit the best. In the end, they decide she could be a good date if she keeps some things a mystery.

Steve thanks the men and says their responses were exactly what he expected them to be. He returns to the girls to see how they felt about the feedback they received. Melissa complains that they seemed to want more information than you would normally put in a dating profile. Steve argues that men actually want more information.

But why should she waste her time if men are
going to judge by pictures alone anyway?

Steve says creating a dating profile on a web site is the same thing as putting a for sale sign outside your house.

Enough already, Steve. I may buy on Craigslist, but I don’t sell!

Tiffany is a battle axe – I’m not sure why she’s on the show. She argues with Steve about everything. In this case, she adamantly refuses to mention her kids in an on-line profile because she says that information should come later. Why you would argue with a man about what men prefer to find out right away I will never know. Since she’s not in the beginning photo of the cast members, I’m guessing Steve tires of her shenanigans rather quickly, so let’s just move on.

Steve next takes Elizabeth into a private meeting to find out what is up with her family.  She tells him that she can’t seem to please her mother. I can’t believe what I’m hearing the poor girl say next; she did her last relationship “right”, as in the way she was taught to do it. She had a rich guy who gave her an insanely expensive ring, which she points out was only a Christmas present, not even an engagement ring, and her mother criticized the ring, instead of rejoicing in her daughter’s triumph.

I followed her suggestions, so how come she doesn’t love me?

So it sounds like the only reason she is a gold digger is because she wants to please her mother. Poor insecure thing! It’s nice to hear that she recognizes that having a ton of money without love is no way to live a life. She just hasn’t had any guidance about how to make choices from the heart. I’m feeling the need to give this poor girl a bear hug; she’s gonna need courage to defy her family’s expectations and understand her own self worth.

I love what comes next! Steve meets with his mother and her assistant to map out who to match the girls with.

Tough Love CSI

I enjoy watching the inner workings behind the match-ups, although I’m disappointed to see that some of the men, including the good John that Stephanie seems to doing really well with, have head shots. It appears they must be actors,

since I’m pretty sure John didn’t show up at the Love Lab naked.

They map out who is going on new dates and who are getting repeat dates from the Love Boat connection of last week. Steve is so annoyed with Tiffany he barely cares who they set her up with. I’m pretty sure she gets ousted from the house and I can’t wait to see the showdown that occurs. I hope there is one! Donna is getting a new guy (I wonder if she ever even brought anyone back to the house from the party cruise), but most of them are being set up on second dates.

This casual lunch date that Steve has set up is filled with boobie-traps to teach our girls some hard lessons. To begin with, the men are hosting the girls in a fake apartment, which is riddled with post-female shrapnel such as an abandoned purse, a stilleto cowering under the couch, a forgotten Valentine card on display, pictures of other women and lipstick stains on the wine glasses. Steve is hoping the girls won’t jump to conclusions but will ask the men in a light hearted way about the stuff lying around.

Melissa is up first and I’m wondering about the time line, since she says “You look nice tonight” to her date Chris (that’s the name of Mr. rates her an 11). Also, it looks like all the dates are in the same apartment, so the ruse that they are on a lunch date must not have really worked, since the would have to stagger the times. It’s hard to imagine the girls weren’t on to the set up, but let’s suspend disbelief so we can enjoy the boot campery.

I am a little worried that Melissa might have a drinking problem:

Upon arriving at the apartment, she nearly jumps into the fridge
in desperate hopes that there is white wine in there.

And let’s not forget this desperate gulp and run from last week.

She’s still young but I hope she can recognize that she’s using alcohol as a crutch to get her through awkward situations and that she won’t let it become a habit.

Chris asks Melissa to get the wine glasses and right away she sees the lipstick marks on one of the glasses in the cabinet.She decides not to say something because she’s trying very hard not to create awkward moments, but she says if Chris were her boyfriend she’d be pissed. She also surmises that she could get oral herpes from the glass. See, now that right there Melissa is awkward. Why you gotta say oral? Now we’re all thinking about the other kind of herpes. AWKWARD!

Since he already doesn’t speak to her hooha and now he’s potentially
exposing her to viral plagues, Melissa decides to write Chris off.

Now I’m kind of torn here. Steve has a great point that Melissa is jumping to conclusions and making decisions without giving Chris the chance to clarify the red flags, but then again, Melissa also says she’s trying very hard not to create awkward moments and Steve has already pointed out to her that she challenges men. So in some ways, I respect her decision to just let everything roll off her back and try to enjoy the afternoon.

Anyway, the real set-up to snag the girls is that their date has to go downstairs to pick up the food. This would seem strange to me, as the girls were allowed to come up on their own, so why wouldn’t the delivery guy? In any event, the purpose is to see if the girls start snooping while the man is out.

Enter Shalana:

Can she resist temptation?

FAIL!

What about Tiffany?

Can Pocahontas ignore the open computer
or the phone sitting in front of her?

What do you think?

For those of you new to the show, I should point out that the women with her jaw dropped to the floor is JoAnn Ward, Steve’s mom. She and Steve are watching the girls via hidden cameras.

Stephanie admits that during her date with good John, she looked around the apartment a bit.

“I didn’t want to snoop, but you know, you kind of do…”

I’m happy to see her in another demure outfit. I wonder if she had to borrow these clothes.

Steph does a great job of introducing the subject of the suspicious items. She asks John if he just moved in and then casually and lightly asks if he lives there with his sister or his mom or something. There is no hint of accusation in her voice and John easily rolls into a lie about how they helped him move in. He points out who the women are in all the pictures and it seems like he explains away all the red flags.

But I hate that the men are in on the set-up, which means
they are being disingenuous and lying to our girls.

John’s really good at the bull shit he comes up with about everything in the apartment. This saddens me, as I can tell he’s probably a great actor, but not necessarily in this for the girl. Boo.

Steph accepts everything he has to say and she tells us he isn’t like any of the other men she’s ever dated. I think because he treats her with respect (except for the lying thing). She says she can’t wait to jump his bones.

Donna isn’t happy about her upcoming date. She explains to us that she knows she is very judgmental and she’d rather have a chance to get to know a man before she goes over to their place and smells their towels.

Why the hell is Frumpalicious smelling the towels???

Apparently there is a direct correlation between how clean a man keeps his towels and how badly his testicles smell. I suspect Donna doesn’t really want to be with a man at all. Maybe in vitro would be the best choice for this loopy girl.

Oh my God, I think this girl is psycho! After she meets her date for the day, she tells us in confessional (with a straight face that has a bit of psychosis in the eyes) that when she looked at Butler, that wasn’t a face

she wanted to be “like this with.”

She tells us she would never make out with a man who looks like Butler. What the hell – is she thirteen? I can’t believe this bitch is forty years old and understands that her clock is ticking but she’s still ruling men out based on her initial reaction to their appearance. Men can grow on you, honey – when you get to know the person underneath that exterior. But Donna is obsessing about the fact that her vagina is quivering in dismay that the man has diet coke in his fridge. She is just looking for ANY excuse to stay single. Just to prove it, she tells us there is no way this man could be her husband because he has a teflon pan that is scratched like crazy.

There’s some cray cray in this apartment, but it ain’t the cookware!

When Butler excuses himself to pick up the lunch, it is all Donna can do to keep herself from crying. She says the woman inside of her who is waiting to meet that dreamboat guy is really sad right now. As she is explaining this in confessional, she gets choked up again and says she needs the next guy she is set up with to be fucking hot.

Just who the fuck do you think you are???

Ticking clock, shmicking shmock. This bitch should be called Ms. Delusional because she thinks she has a hell of a lot more to offer than she really does.

Just saying.

Steve does not appreciate that Donna seems to have confused boot camp with a dating service. He tells us there is no way in hell he would set her up with a true potential match in her current state of mind.

If I hear one more excuse for not liking a man…

OMG – Donna is turning out to be such a bitch! She can’t remember Butler’s name. She doesn’t even seem ashamed that she’s forgotten his name. She’s more rude than Danielle was last episode.

Butler isn’t so bad. He’s not the hottest man on earth
but he isn’t disfigured. And he looks like he should smell good.

Elizabeth is meeting with Stefan for the second time. I think her guy is the most delicious one of the bunch yet. She doesn’t actually dig through anything while he is picking up the food, but she does look around and spots all the signs of another woman. She seems to be the one paying the most attention in class and she refuses to let herself jump to the conclusions she is programmed for. Sadly having passed that hurdle, she gets caught up in the second snag.

He fails to offer a toast and worse, he doesn’t cut up her food.

WHAT???? Elizabeth comes up with the following list of deal breakers:
-Doesn’t pull the chair out for her
-Doesn’t toast with the wine
-Doesn’t offer brief rundown/education on wine

“I’m used to an older man serving me. Sometimes even cutting up
my food and feeding me. I just bend over and open up my mouth.”

Sounds like someone didn’t get a lot of cherishing as a child and is still looking for it. Yikes.

But I’m proud of Elizabeth. Despite these behavioral turn-offs, she decides to keep an open mind and enjoy Stefan’s company. He’s so freaking cute – it is kind of like a shy, juvenile crush when he points out they are both wearing white watches. She gushes over how funny that is. That’s right, honey. It’s twelve year old kismet.

I’m crushing too.

The dates are over and the girls have all gathered at their creole townhouse to debrief. Donna seems to be holding court and is talking about how she didn’t even want to imagine holding Butler’s hand, much less think about his penis size. How can she be the oldest girl in the house?

You know you’re being ridiculous when
Tiffany refers to you as high maintenance.

She’s pretty much monopolizing the conversation about how awful her date was (which it wasn’t). Stephanie is annoyed and whispers to Elizabeth that she’d prefer to go somewhere else and talk. They decide to sneak away, but it does not go unnoticed.

Donna asks what just happened as part of her audience defects and Danielle for some reason gets all up in arms about the whole thing.

“Hold on. Hold, hold, hold the fucking phone now.
Now, you did and went too far.”

For God’s sakes, Danielle, stop thrusting your ass at the camera.

Apparently, Elizabeth was right, there was an expectation that Donna could hold court. But the shit she was spewing was mean and unpleasant and I applaud Stephanie and Elizabeth for wanting to be removed from the negativity. Looks like the house is starting to form cliques, but they are not the unions I would have expected.

It’s time for the hot seat and the girls are dressing up and putting on their new necklaces for the first time.

She tries, but I don’t think Danielle is very good at the ghetto thing.

Mom will never understand how important this cheap gold necklace is.

I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.

When the women gather, Steve informs them that this week’s lessons were about perceptions and that they actually had two challenges this week. While they knew about the dates, what they didn’t know was that the apartments were fake.

Shalana would prefer to keep the wool over her eyes.

Steve says the whole thing was set up to see who would jump to conclusions.

I did bad.

Stephanie did the best this week!

Steve compliments her because she addressed the red flags without making them a big deal. In the feedback, good John says that the date went really well and that she’s really down to earth. It’s great to hear him say this stuff, but since I’m pretty sure he’s an actor I have to wonder if this is all scripted. I really don’t want it to be. Stephanie and John agree there will be another date for them.

Shalana gets reamed for invasion of privacy.

Elizabeth tells Steve that she was hearing her mother in her head about how a man should bring her roses and pull out her chair, etc., but she stayed strong and relaxed enough to have a good time. Stefan seems to really like Elizabeth, which delights everyone.

She almost can’t believe a guy likes her without all the pretense.

Can the Love Lab clone and package this please?

Melissa tells Steve she saw all the red flags but she didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Except she did. She acknowledges she should have asked. When Chris comes on the confessional, he says he likes Melissa even more and that now he would rate her a twelve.

Damn it! Why won’t my vagina tingle for this man?

Steve tells Melissa since she isn’t sure how she feels about the guy he will make the decision for her about whether they have another date or not. I hope they do, because he seems really awesome.

Donna gets called to the hot seat. Steve starts in on her right away and I am taken back by how rough he is treating her. This is good – this is exactly what this bitch needs.

Donna Strike 1 (get her, Steve!)

Steve rips into our frumpy Grandma (already recycling her dresses) about her sense of entitlement. She doesn’t seem to really understand what Steve is talking about. He asks her what she has that is so great that a man would put up with all that bullshit. She tries to explain that she wasn’t into the guy, but Steve is pissed and wants to know what exactly she was crying about. Steve tells her that her standards are so unreasonable that no man will ever be good enough. Donna agrees – apparently her brother tells her the same exact thing, but she doesn’t know how to change it. Steve tells her she has to have an internal battle and fight the stupid reasons she comes up with to rule men out. The lesson is that a woman should make it easy for a man to be with her.

I wonder what happened to make Donna turn out this way. It seems to me like deep down she doesn’t want a man at all. Is it fear or repulsion?

Steve tells all the women that he hopes they are working to change and will not remain the awful skanks he saw when they first entered the house. He mentions the necklaces – I wonder what that looming threat will be about what gets engraved on the back. I’m dying to know.

Speaking of dying to know…

Did Despina have a perfect date?

See you all next week!

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