It’s a holiday! YAY Presidents! I guess. Instead of going out and celebrating the douchebags who steal our hard earned money every damn day of our lives, I settled in with the trailer for Beverly Hills Fabulous, reality TV’s newest attempt at a live cartoon about black and gay people. Beverly Hills: home to the country’s finest cars, clothes, and…black hair?
For fifteen years, Elgin Charles has run a top salon in Beverly Hills, or as he likes to say it, Bevly Heeuhls. Unless Bevly Heeuhls is an actual place that’s not the regular Beverly Hills and I didn’t know it. When I was a kid I went to Paris, Texas and felt super fancy until someone told me there was a real Paris. I felt so dumb that I thought Texas was so great to be in when there was a coke head famewhore I could have been in instead.
The real Paris.
Elgin has tried to do the whole “integrated salons” thing, but whenever he gets white ladies in his shop the black ladies scare them off. LOL! I think he might be considering himself in that black lady class, cuz if I ever walked into Supercuts and saw this face I’d run like hell. And I NEVER run.
We get to see Elgin at a bunch of different angles in a wind machine, and it’s hilarious, frightening, and bad for wind.
Oh wind what have you done? You’re gonna need to kill another witch to get back on my good side.
Elgin’s friend Shaunie O’Neal, Shaq’s wife and the producer of Basketball Wives, tells Elgin he needs to open a salon in Miami. The city has become reality trash heaven and he’s totes missing out. Well Elgin’s up for it! He’s got the most bangin’ stylists around! They’re talented…
You gonna be a diva when I’m done with you! Snap circle resnap.
And the most fabulous!
Please stop shaking your underarms at me and just shave my fucking head please. You’re scaring the children.
Lolita is my fave so far. Big girls “can look sexy, be sexy, and do sexy things!” They can also eat like garbage disposals but she doesn’t add that. I guess it’s not sexy? Be sexy, girl! Just not on my TV, please. Hey! Susan Powter and the Malfoy kid had a baby. And he’s really gay. Just in case you couldn’t tell, he’s talking about bedazzling vajayjays right now.
Do gay guys on TV ever talk about politics or books? Or is vajayjay the only thing allowed? I blame Frasier for this disturbing trend. Hey gay people on reality shows, my Meemaw is watching and she has a vote. I’d like to see gay marriage passed at some point during my lifetime. Butch it up a bit kthnx.
The stylists are all sitting around making wacky jokes one day (“I’m a big girl I don’t need a threesome. I am the threesome!” Sexy, get it?) when they read some nasty tweets coming their way from a competing salon in Miami. BevHills ain’t shit! OH YEAH? TAKE THIS!
Our bad. Beverly Hills is shit. YOU WIN.
So to Miami it is. The stylists are talented, but they’ve also got lives and goals. For example, Sean also wants to be a singer! He makes Kim Zolciak sound like Pavarotti.
They also date! Big Girl goes out to get sexy, but her date asks her if she’s ever considered the lap band procedure. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
If I had the lap band I wouldn’t be able to devour you whole and poop you out like yesterday’s Big Mac, DICK. Now get over here.
Enough to get you to tune in yet? Then maybe this will help. Elgin used to be married to Jackee!! HOLLER!!
It’s not all lap bands and bedazzled vajays, though. There’s also head rolling, yelling, snapping, and tasering trannies. I’m not kidding. I will never admit this to anyone in my real life, but I will watch every minute of this show. And with the last line of the trailer being “She look like she got her boobs done at the 99 cent store”, how could I not?
Beverly Hills Fabulous premieres March 14 on VH1. You can check out the preview here.