Trailer Trash: Fall Preview Part Two

We’re back with the second part of our Fall Previews and Predictions! To check out Part One, click here. And now, without further adieu, let’s get to trashing some trailers.

A Gifted Man (CBS) Sept 23

To watch the trailer, click here.

IceQueen: That generically cute actor from some movie or other picks up where Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs left off: talking to dead people.

VirginiaApple: It’s like the Ghost Whisperer got tired of showing her cleavage and had a sex change, which led to a better job and being taken seriously since she’s now a man. Also, this is what they should have called Hung.

TheCzar: It’s what “House” would be if House saw dead people.

BlueCanary: Getting stalked by a ghost is such a white collar problem.

J-Mo: This show would be much cooler if it could star Whoopi Goldberg in a reprise of her role as Oda Mae Brown and then we could hear her say sassy things like “Molly… you in danger, girl!”

Flipit: I’m only interested in one Medium. Don’t front. Come back, Patricia Arquette!! I MISS YOOOOOU!

Cherie: My idea of a gifted man can not be shown on CBS.

Saint Claire: I didn’t watch the trailer, but I’m just glad they renamed The Hard Times of RJ Berger. This title is much classier.

Bluzgirl: I see dead ratings.

Chance of Success: %60

***

Pan Am (ABC) Sept 25

To watch the trailer, click here.

Saint Claire: I imagine the pitch went something like this: “It’s Mad Men, but on a broadcast network instead of cable and we can’t do anything cool. Go!”

IceQueen: What America needs now more than ever — a show harkening back to the good old day when men were virile and women were good for two things: serving drinks and boning.

J-Mo: Remember when it was considered glamorous to get leered/felt up/puked on by drunk businessmen in first class, or get bugged for blowjobs by horny pilots?  Me, neither.  Oh, and Christina Ricci still has freakishly huge eyes.  I’ll probably watch just to see what a real girdle looked like.

BlueCanary: What this generation needs are some role models, and who better to demonstrate a woman’s most important purpose than short-skirted women serving drinks off carts with little wheels? Eh, that whole feminist movement was boring, anyway.

Flipit: Ah, I miss the days when women got jobs as stewardesses to land a husband instead of just getting knocked up by some loser in a bar, like today. I’m trying to envision this show in modern times, and all I see are really haggy pissed of Southwest stewardesses limiting my peanut intake. They’re so not finding men. And what other point is there to living?

VirginiaApple: Women back then had it so easy.  There are entirely too many options nowadays.  I’ll watch it since I’ve been going through Mad Men withdrawals, but it will probably be even less satisfying than a Nicotine patch is for smokers.  Also, I STILL miss American Dreams.

Cherie: Greyhound. Now that’s a show.

Chance of Success: 20%

***

The Playboy Club (NBC) Sept 25

To watch the preview, click here.

VirginiaApple: You guys, what if Mad Men had all of the style but none of the substance?  What if it was set in Chicago instead of New York, and had Playboy bunnies instead of secretaries?  What if Jon Hamm had the same chiseled good looks, but was made of wood inside?  All of these burning questions answered and MURDER!  (Okay, technically that was manslaughter, but MURDER is so much more exciting!)

Saint Claire: There, there NBC. People will think you’re edgy some day.

Flipit: Sexism is officially back this fall! Finally! I’ve missed you, sexism! Hopefully you become popular again! It’s 2011, though, so the sexism has a message: Black boobs can fight racism. Martin Luther King should have thought of that and saved himself a lot of trouble.

IceQueen: Close your eyes. Now visualize a fart. OK, I want you to open your eyes. This show is that fart.

TheCzar: I am stoked about this show – not because of the premise, but because I LOOOOVE men who leave their wives and children for LeAnn Rimes.

BlueCanary: It’s got murder, it’s got intrigue, it’s got boobies galore; it’s even got chocolate centerfolds! What’s not to like? Besides Cole from Sunset Beach, of course. That’s right, Eddie. We remember.

J-Mo: Way too many titties, and not enough hair on them for my taste.  Plus this could really use some Christina Ricci and her freakishly huge eyes.

Cherie: Not on my worst self hatred day.

Chance of Success: 5%

***

Hart of Dixie (CW) Sept 26

To watch the trailer, click here.

IceQueen: “Dr. Zoe Hart.” No. Just… no.

Flipit: I know! I started laughing the second I heard “I’m Doctor Zoe Hart.” LOL! I’m so sure. I will watch just to see the scene where this bony bitch tries grits cooked in bacon fat for the first time. Ah, I’ve missed Fear Factor.

BlueCanary: This lost me somewhere around the point when the wide-eyed fetus in the graduation cap started yodeling about her aspirations to the creepy papaw. Should be good for some stereotypes, along with the endless supply of northerners and southerners trying to out-asshole each other.

J-Mo: Rachel Bilson is amazing, and here’s why:  “What do you mean I didn’t get the (haltingly reading off phonetic cue card) car-dee-oh-thor-ass-ick fel-low-ship?”  Good thing she’s headed for the Illiterate Slow-Movin’ South where she’ll no doubt learn the Real Meaning Of Practicing Medicine.  Or we could all just watch a much more believable (and likable) Michael J. Fox in “Doc Hollywood” and be done with it.

VirginiaApple: Remember that episode of The OC when Summer aced the SAT’s?  Well, apparently that wasn’t enough of a stretch, so now she’s a doctor.  Plus, Jason Street moved from Texas to Alabama and now all of a sudden he has a Southern accent!  And there’s some bitter girl named Lemon, because they’re subtle like that.  This show is like if every single WB/CW show had an orgy.  That being said, I’ve never met a Josh Schwartz show I didn’t like for at least a season or two, so I’ll be watching.

Cherie: It has a narrator so it’s toast. Besides we don’t need a hick Grey’s Anatomy.

Saint Claire: You know those shows that stick around a couple seasons but don’t seem to have any actual fans? Voila.

Chance of Success: 30%

***

Terra Nova (FOX) Sept 26

To watch the trailer, click here.

J-Mo: Adult Geeks will be in ecstasy over this “Stargate” meets “Jurassic Park” vibe, but I get the feeling you’ll have to read 7274839293 websites before every episode to have any real clue what’s going on.

SaintClaire: So…they went back in time to live in the Cretaceous Period or whatever and they didn’t think there would be dinosaurs running around everywhere? I’m so glad I’ll be dead by 2135.

VirginiaApple: Good God, y’all.  The future is gonna be MISERABLE.  Good thing we’ll all be dead by then!  What can I say?  I’m an optimist.  But more importantly:  DINOSAURS!  The Jurassic-Park-loving kid in me is totally going to watch this.  Anyone else still like to shake their spoonfuls of Jello and pretend the velociraptors are about to attack?

Flipit: In the future, we fuck up the world so bad that we have to go back in a time machine and fuck it up all over again. Root for the extinction of the human race in two different time periods!

IceQueen: I’ve already seen this, but it was called “Avatar” at the time.

BlueCanary: Apparently the network’s idea of “paradise” involves rampaging dinosaurs, a perfect balance of racial diversity, and no fatties.

Chance of Success: 72%

***

Suburgatory (ABC) Sept 28

To watch the trailer, click here.

Flipit: A girl is moved to LA suburbs after getting caught with condoms. Where I come from, you’re only punished if you are caught with a baby inside you. And you are punished by never having to work or finish school and by getting to live off your parents forever. I forget what I was talking about, but I’m super resentful that I couldn’t get knocked up as a teen. Damn penis. Foiled again!

BlueCanary: Totally realistic premise, seriously. Everyone knows that suburban teenagers would never get caught practicing safe sex when they can just bareback it on the sly.

VirginiaApple: Because teenagers in the suburbs never have sex.  This is clearly one out-of-touch father who has never seen Teen Mom.

TheCzar: Yeah, I get it. I wouldn’t want to live in the suburbs either.

J-Mo: I can’t look at Jeremy Sisto and NOT hear “Rollin’ With Tha Homies” in my head.  Plus, I get it already, urban centers like Manhattan are way cooler than stupid plasticky well-to-do suburban areas like Scottsdale, but Jesus, show, rich-kid-nose-job jokes?  That’s so 1995.  Just like “Clueless”.  Which is probably way funnier.

Cherie: If I can’t pronounce it I ain’t watching it.

Chance of Success: 80%

***

How to Be a Gentleman (CBS) Sept 29

To watch the trailer, click here.

BlueCanary: Moral of the show: well-mannered men are always effeminate pussies who dress like a JC Penney boy’s department mannequin. Real men are always Kevin Dillon.

TheCzar: I’m only watching because my future husband, Dave Foley, is on this show. But not the the Dave Foley of “Thank God You’re Here” – the Dave Foley of “Kids in the Hall.”

Saint Claire: I’m pretty sure I saw Dave Foley blink T-O-R-T-U-R-E in Morse code during that.

J-Mo: How To Take It Up The Butt From Your Wife And/Or Boss.

VirginiaApple: Immediately after watching this trailer, I can’t remember anything about it.  This seems much more suited to the CBS crowd, although they probably know how to ACTUALLY be gentlemen without being pussies.

Flipit: Now the guy who played a terrible actor in Entourage gets to go back to being an actual terrible actor! Congrats, buddy!

IceQueen: I’m just not going to watch anything with Chloe from “24.” It’s a pact I made with a friend years ago…

Chance of Success: 10%

***

Homeland (Showtime) Oct 2

To watch the trailer, click here.

TheCzar: It’s good to see Claire Danes not playing retarded for once.

J-Mo: Considering I just watched 84 hours of 9/11 memorial coverage, I think I’ll take a pass on this one.

VirginiaApple: Is Claire Danes supposed to be a badass?  Because I still see her and think about her making out with Leo back in the 90′s.  This one should be fun for conspiracy theorists and patriots alike, but not for the same reasons.

Cherie: If it has an actual plot I can’t watch it. My head hurts.

Saint Claire: I love how Hollywood makes al Qaeda out to be way scarier than they really are. I bet when they saw the trailer for this show al Qaeda all went, “Son of a BITCH why didn’t we think of that?!”

IceQueen: I think this is gonna be good! But it looks like a movie… how can it go past one season? I look forward to seeing Clare Danes lose her shit.

BlueCanary: It’s a Showtime series with Mandy Patinkin, so I’m on board. Bonus if Claire Danes can convince Jared Leto to do a Jordan Catalano walk-on and sing the song about his car.

Flipit: Man, Showtime loves terrorism. First, Sleeper Cell. Then, Fat Actress. Now, Homeland. I don’t think anyone’s gonna like the white serviceman being portrayed as a terrorist. You know what would really be nuts? If a terrorist on TV was actually a Middle Eastern extremist that hated America. That said, if Delta Burke was the white terrorist, I’d watch.

Chance of Success: 86%

***

American Horror Story (FX) Wednesday, Oct 5

To watch the trailer, click here.

Saint Claire: Would you rather watch the Glee guys make a horror show or Steven King make a musical? Neither? Me too. (I also would not want to watch the Glee guys make a musical).

J-Mo: Not sure what to make of this trailer, it’s all very gothic and cryptic and serious and way-over-my-head.  This would have been a better TV show title for “Jon & Kate Plus 8″.  Or “Jersey Shore”.

VirginiaApple: I saw Poltergeist at too young an age and haven’t enjoyed a horror movie since then because it scarred me for life.  However, I owe it to Tami Taylor to attempt to watch this.  I hope she appreciates it, because lately Ryan Murphy has made me want to bash my head against the wall.

Bluzgirl: Aren’t there enough Real Housewives shows?

Flipit: Ryan Murphy show alert! Enjoy the groundbreaking, slightly brilliant first season cuz everything that follows will suck ass.

IceQueen: This looks like Clue.

BlueCanary: Sadly enough, it seems ghosts these days enjoy a far more privileged standard of living than the average American.

Cherie: I am an American Horror Story. Where’s my show?

Chance of Success: 90%

***

Enlightened (HBO) Oct 10

To watch the trailer, click here.

Saint Claire: Instead of that trailer HBO could have just released a title card that says: “We at HBO have no obligation to tell you what our shows about. Ever. We don’t owe you SHIT!” (I’ll take off my joke hat her for a second to say, I’ve read the pilot script and it’s really good, so, fingers crossed)

IceQueen: America’s most underrated actress didn’t know she was pregnant. Here’s hoping a toilet-baby is Laura Dern’s big break.

BlueCanary: Clearly Laura Dern is either still upset over the whole Billy Bob Thornton desertion scandal, or she’s on the losing end of a battle with a particularly stubborn poop.

J-Mo: Pooping is painful and makes everyone cry.  Amen, sister.

Flipit: Laura Dern sobbing in a stall. Must me Oscar Nominations Day! God bless her.

VirginiaApple: I had no idea what this show is about before I watched that.  Based on this teaser, apparently her enlightenment is coming from the Porcelain God despite the fact that she’s doing it backwards.

Cherie: No thank you I like being stupid.

Chance of Success: 79%

***

Last Man Standing (ABC) Oct 11

To watch the trailer, click here.

BlueCanary: Tim Allen, you really don’t need to give us another reason to choose you as this year’s human sacrifice to ensure a bountiful harvest. But hey, if you insist.

Flipit: Wasn’t Tim Allen taken out back and shot like a sick horse after The Santa Clause?

IceQueen: The long anticipated return of Tim Allen. Is it hard being a man? I mean like a real man? Not the kind who tans or watches “Glee” or takes care of their kids. Television is telling me that life is so haaaard for straight white men. It must suck to make most of the money and have most of the power. Waaah.

J-Mo: The Garnier Fructis Ad that played right before the preview was funnier and more insightful than Tim Allen’s entire body of work.  Sorry, but this show is just more of his not-so-subtle brand of homophobia.  You want me to watch this shit, ABC?  Get a gun and hold it to my head.  Otherwise, fuck off.

VirginiaApple: All women are such pains in the ass.  How dare we interrupt men with pesky emotions when they’re trying to grunt and scratch themselves?  This show is more outdated than Home Improvement reruns, so I’ll just stick with those.c

Cherie: Why is Tim Allen only in shows where he has to constantly reassure everyone how manly he is?

Saint Claire: Did Tim Allen run out of blow money or something?

Bluzgirl: Because there were so many unanswered questions from the original “Home Improvement”????

Chance of Success: 95%

***

Man Up! (ABC) Oct 18

To watch the trailer, click here.

BlueCanary: A gritty reality series chronicling the lives of three wishy-washy, pussy-whipped troglodytes who have to stealth rape their own hands in order to get laid. And a reminder that muscular black man > portly yeti.

J-Mo: In fact, ABC, along with the gun you need to hold to my head to watch this, you better get a restraint chair and some of those eye-lid brackets from Clockwork Orange, too.

VirginiaApple: I keep confusing this show with Work It! and thinking it’s all terrible and offensive, then realizing it’s this show and not as offensive or terrible.  This one will probably get lost in the shuffle despite being much more timely/realistic than Last Man Standing.

Cherie: Sounds good to me. Maybe I should watch the trailer.

Flipit: Buffoons with Peter Pan complex. It’s like spending a half hour on OKCupid every week. FML.

IceQueen: Could it be??? A sitcom that’s actually funny? Fingers crossed.

Saint Claire: Despite my ‘gasm handle, I myself am a man. And I had myself chemically castrated after watching that so as not to be associated with those men in any way.

Chance of Success: 83%

***

Grimm (NBC) Oct 21

To watch the trailer, click here.

TheCzar: Um… I don’t get it.

IceQueen: Every actor on this show should win an Emmy for saying things like “you are one of the last Grimms” and “the bobcat wasn’t wearing boots” with a straight face. Grimm’s fairy tales were published nearly 200 years ago. There’s a reason why they’ve never been made into a TV series before, and it’s not because this show’s creators are smarter than everyone else. It’s because those are awful stories about child molesters, cannibals and racial purity.

BlueCanary: Is it wrong of me to want to watch this, if only to witness the revelation of Hummel figurines as the agents of pure evil I’ve always known them to be?

Flipit: A dude who suddenly starts seeing homely people everywhere. It’s like when I go home to visit. There needs to be a horror series titled El Paso.

J-Mo: I was thinking, “Gee, not only did the Brothers Grimm write all those horrifying fairy tales, they were actually bad-ass wolf-killers, too”… and that was BEFORE I saw that this was from the producers of Buffy… geez, why not just do Buffy II?  And how are they going to make a modern horror out of “Rapunzel” unless it has to do with split ends or a bad dye job?

VirginiaApple: Little children should be forced to watch this so they grow up world-weary and wise.  Most of them need a good kick in the ass so they learn how to behave. Who sent that little girl to wander around in the woods in a bright red hoodie?  Might as well paint a target on said hoodie and hang a “Kidnap Me” sign around her neck. (Sidenote: the star of this show is a former Road Ruler!)

Saint Claire: Every generation needs its own myths and fairy tales. And failing that, you can just take a previous generation’s myths and fairy tales and add iPods to them.

Chance of Success: 54%

***

Once Upon a Time (ABC) Oct 23

To watch the trailer, click here.

BlueCanary: This is what happened when the creators of Lost watched the Grimm preview and said “Fuck it, let’s make THAT show!”

Flipit: From the writers of Lost! I can’t wait to dedicate five or six years of my life to this show only to be left confused and pissed off!Why are the networks obsessed with fairy tales this year? I blame The A-List.

VirginiaApple: Once upon a time, an alphabetical network made a creative, whimsical show.  They called it Pushing Daisies, and it brought much happiness to the small part of the land who watched it.  And it died quickly ever after.  Luckily, no lessons were learned, and perhaps all of the whimsy of the land was not lost.

IceQueen: Everyone in this appears to be on some sort of hallucinatory drug. Including Ginnifer Goodwin’s hair and makeup artists.

J-Mo: Modern horror takes on Fairy Tales?  What’s next, the Brothers Grimm? Still, the evil queen looks fabulously fun.

Cherie: Tv was good. Then crap like this started coming on.

Chance of Success: 33%

***

Allen Gregory (FOX) Oct 30

To watch the trailer, click here.

VirginiaApple: Wait, so Jonah Hill went and got all skinny so he could switch to voice work?  That is ass-backwards.

Cherie: Another freakin cartoon? I think Fox hates real people.

Saint Claire: I’m not clear about this…is it hilarious when the pedophilia is woman molesting a boy? Or is it the one when a man is molesting a girl? I always mix up the funny one with the horrifying one.

Flipit: About a kid too smart for everyone else. Their only sponsor so far is Plan B.

IceQueen: This might be funny if there were actual child actors swilling pinot, driving cars, and hitting on principals. Because children doing grownup things is kind of funny. Grownups voicing animated children just isn’t.

TheCzar: That’s right, Jonah Hill. Make all the movies and television shows you can now before you lose your beauty.

BlueCanary: “Fine, fine, draw your inspiration from the animated ventriloquist dummy in that godforsaken Twilight Zone episode if you must. Truthfully, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass how you draw me, as long as I’m not modeled off the fat fuck doing my voice.” –sentient spirit of Allen Gregory, pre-storyboard

J-Mo: Yay, FINALLY a cartoon about a snotty precocious child who speaks like a snotty entitled adult!  Toss in a little disturbing reverse pedophilia and I think it’s a can’t miss… for cancellation.

Chance of Success: 24%

***

Hell on Wheels (AMC) Nov 6

To watch the trailer, click here.

J-Mo: I’m not sure if this is about trains or demons, but I kept expecting the Kung Fu Guy to show up in his golden pee-jays (with the Talk-To-The-Hand Logo on the back) and kick everybody’s ass.

VirginiaApple: Every time I see this title I think it’s about some sort of car reality show, so this trailer seemed out of the blue.  Now all I can think about is There Will Be Blood.  I’ll watch long enough to see if it feels like history class or if they drink each other’s milkshakes.  We’ll see if America is ready for the truth about our railroad system.

IceQueen: Train enthusiasts, rejoice! Your time has come. No longer will you be confined to watching “Great Scenic Railway Journeys” on PBS!

TheCzar: AMC, you’ve been so good to me over the past few years. Please don’t fail me now.

BlueCanary: AMC is building quite the reputation for its series lineup, so let’s hope they can pull off what looks like another home run without being too racist toward the Red Man.

Saint Claire: You know, I was really, really, really excited about a show set during Civil War Reconstruction because it’s literally the PERFECT era for a good drama show…like, this could be better than Deadwood…and then they went ahead and named it as if it were a network Sons of Anarchy knockoff. Not a good sign.

Bluzgirl: An AMC original series that sucks?  Doesn’t happen and neither will this one, but it is no replacement for “Deadwood”.  Unless they curse a lot.

Flipit: A time before showers. FF.

Chance of Success: 83%

***

I Hate My Teenage Daughter (FOX) Nov 23

To watch the trailer, click here.

Bluzgirl: I hate her too.

Flipit: Then put her ass up for adoption so someone else can at least foster her and get welfare checks every month for her stupid ass. Don’t let a human life go to waste.

IceQueen: Yikes. What a horrible title. No wonder your daughter is such a bitch.

BlueCanary: This is presented as a sitcom, but should actually be a reality show titled My Daughter is a Nasty, Spoiled Twat, and It’s All My Fault. Starring the Season 1 Toddlers & Tiaras cast.

J-Mo: Change it to “I Beat My Teenage Daughter” and I’m in.  Otherwise this just seems to be more glorification of supercool uber-smart teens who always get the better of their simpering dumbass tragically unhip parents, and since I’m closer in age to the latter, I don’t like that very much.

VirginiaApple: EVERYONE hates your teenage daughter, because she sucks.  Now quit whining and make her get a job to pay for her excessive texting and shopping.  Discipline is your friend, your daughter is not.

Saint Claire: When Jamie Pressly said, “You know how we should punish our daughters…” I was hoping they would go all Andrea Yates and drown them. But no, they just danced in front of the kid’s friends. I like my version better.

Chance of Success: 87%

And that’s it!! If you want to find out more about the recappers in this article, click their name! Thanks for reading! VirginiaApple, Saint Claire of Assisi, BlueCanary, IceQueen, J-Mo, TheCzar, Bluzgirl, Cherie, and Flipit.