Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
My friends outside of TVgasm, known to each other as “the normal friends”, don’t understand my fascination with the Housewives. How can a grown ass man be so obsessed with such trash? I don’t know. Why do I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day when I know they are slowly killing me? Why do I have thirty frozen Milky Ways in my freezer at all times even though my pasty ass looks like a pot luck bowl of cottage cheese? Why do I cross streets when the “Don’t Walk” signal is solid? Well, I have an answer for that one. I want to get hit by a rich person so I can sue and stop job hunting. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who’s never sued anyone and I want my piece of the pie. Mmmm. Pie.
Point is, there is something the Housewives shows do to my brain chemistry that I can’t explain. The laughs, the tears, the horrifying disgust with human nature and bad weaves. All rolled into one super cheap, sparkly package. Since I’m not a doctor and can’t explain brain wave patterns with words, I recorded myself watching the three minute Real Housewives of New Jersey preview so my pals can understand that I don’t pelt them with talk of the wives because I am trying to annoy them. It’s a real illness, and I hope this post will bring some understanding and compassion to a really traumatizing and important disease. Thank you for your time.
Theresa says she’s never heard me sing! And that’s bullshit!
Maybe she blocked it out. I know I would try.
Who is this woman? And why is she dancing?
AAAAAAHHHH! NO MAKE IT STOP! Homer Simpson, please put your shirt on.
I will never be able to block that out. NEVER.
The fat hairy dude is trying to fist bump her, so it must be Jersey good.
That girl’s a prostitution hooah!
OH GOD SHE’S ALIIIIIIIVE! I HATE THERESA!
Would college have really been such a bad idea?
All new classy men!
Is this Mexico? Sorry Mexico! We didn’t know they were out of the country. Please feel free to behead.
They know that Mexico could see this as an act of war, right?
Caroline really needs to stop shaving her face. I don’t even recognize her.
Real blood. Fake Guccis.
There’s already blood in the streets. I’m better than this.
Caroline got a new look!
Hey! That’s the tranny I chased down the street with a fly swatter after she peed on my rose bush!
That was a fun night. And my roses grew at a super rapid pace. Come back, tranny!
Theresa’s peeing. I don’t even know what’s happening right now, but I can’t press stop.
Why is that cow riding a bull? When is mating season?
It’s like Theresa without a pan face. At least they don’t have a lot of beach shots in the Jersey edition.
Oh God. There’re two of them?
Theresa threw away my cookies! I mean, there are children starving in Africa.
Too bad you can’t eat terrible singing.
Dr. Snora: Let’s talk about family!
Broken homes! Daddy issues! A ten thousand calorie a day diet!
More daddy issues! Plus, someone might possibly maybe kinda have cancer!
Theresa just gave the sign of the cross.
Juicy: I don’t wanna hear no peace!
Baptism time! And more family blah.
Caroline feels things.
Men with muscular midget arms feel things too!
Men still feeling things very, very deeply.
Men. Still feeling.
Men have stopped feeling! And now it’s surgery free Theresa making crazy eyes.
Three minutes have passed. I feel like I’m waking up from a coma. Where have I been? What just happened? I have no idea, but I’m glad it will be happening every week for the next couple of months.
Real Housewives of New Jersey starts tonight, Monday May 16, on Bravo. Come back tomorrow morning for the first recap of the season! xo