Trailer Trash: Real Housewives of New Jersey

Trailer Trash TV

By Flipit | Monday, May 16, 2011 | 12:01 am | 10 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Recaps, Trailer Trash TV

My friends outside of TVgasm, known to each other as “the normal friends”, don’t understand my fascination with the Housewives. How can a grown ass man be so obsessed with such trash? I don’t know. Why do I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day when I know they are slowly killing me? Why do I have thirty frozen Milky Ways in my freezer at all times even though my pasty ass looks like a pot luck bowl of cottage cheese? Why do I cross streets when the “Don’t Walk” signal is solid? Well, I have an answer for that one. I want to get hit by a rich person so I can sue and stop job hunting. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who’s never sued anyone and I want my piece of the pie. Mmmm. Pie.

Point is, there is something the Housewives shows do to my brain chemistry that I can’t explain. The laughs, the tears, the horrifying disgust with human nature and bad weaves. All rolled into one super cheap, sparkly package. Since I’m not a doctor and can’t explain brain wave patterns with words, I recorded myself watching the three minute Real Housewives of New Jersey preview so my pals can understand that I don’t pelt them with talk of the wives because I am trying to annoy them. It’s a real illness, and I hope this post will bring some understanding and compassion to a really traumatizing and important disease. Thank you for your time.

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Theresa says she’s never heard me sing! And that’s bullshit!

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Maybe she blocked it out. I know I would try.

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Who is this woman? And why is she dancing?

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AAAAAAHHHH! NO MAKE IT STOP! Homer Simpson, please put your shirt on.

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I will never be able to block that out. NEVER.

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The fat hairy dude is trying to fist bump her, so it must be Jersey good.

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That girl’s a prostitution hooah!

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OH GOD SHE’S ALIIIIIIIVE! I HATE THERESA!

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Would college have really been such a bad idea?

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All new classy men!

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Is this Mexico? Sorry Mexico! We didn’t know they were out of the country. Please feel free to behead.

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They know that Mexico could see this as an act of war, right?


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Caroline really needs to stop shaving her face. I don’t even recognize her.

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Real blood. Fake Guccis.

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There’s already blood in the streets. I’m better than this.

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Caroline got a new look!

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Hey! That’s the tranny I chased down the street with a fly swatter after she peed on my rose bush!

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That was a fun night. And my roses grew at a super rapid pace. Come back, tranny!

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Theresa’s peeing. I don’t even know what’s happening right now, but I can’t press stop.

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Why is that cow riding a bull? When is mating season?

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It’s like Theresa without a pan face. At least they don’t have a lot of beach shots in the Jersey edition.

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Oh God. There’re two of them?

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Theresa threw away my cookies! I mean, there are children starving in Africa.

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Too bad you can’t eat terrible singing.

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Dr. Snora: Let’s talk about family!

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Broken homes! Daddy issues! A ten thousand calorie a day diet!

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More daddy issues! Plus, someone might possibly maybe kinda have cancer!

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Theresa just gave the sign of the cross.

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Juicy: I don’t wanna hear no peace!

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Baptism time! And more family blah.

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Caroline feels things.

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Men with muscular midget arms feel things too!

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Men still feeling things very, very deeply.

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Men. Still feeling.

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Men have stopped feeling! And now it’s surgery free Theresa making crazy eyes.

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Three minutes have passed. I feel like I’m waking up from a coma. Where have I been? What just happened? I have no idea, but I’m glad it will be happening every week for the next couple of months.

Real Housewives of New Jersey starts tonight, Monday May 16, on Bravo. Come back tomorrow morning for the first recap of the season! xo

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

10 Comments

  1. 1
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 12:40 am

    Brilliant!! I do hope you’re recapping, Flipit, this season is going to provide plenty of fodder. I love your reactions, I think my facial expressions also run the gamut during each episode…nothing a little Botox won’t fix. But hey, I’m not an 8-year old pageant kid with an overzealous mom, so let my countenance do what it will.

    Who is that guy with the short arms? Eeek! I’m left thinking of American Idol and Scotty’s T-rex arms. (Thank you, IceQueen!) This “gorilla juicehead” can’t even be called a gorilla because his knuckles barely brush his waist, let alone drag the ground. But let me see him from behind..I bet he still has a baboon butt.

    With that said, I’m super excited for the premiere! I only wish Danielle was allowed a cameo or two, just to say, “I told you so!”, when we see Teresa act a fool at her nephew’s christening. Teresa sure was indignant when Danielle brought up the familial discord during the last reunion. Throwing pillows, throwing Andy. But I guess it’s like they say, the truth hurts. I mean, look at Tre, indebted to fertility specialists (and gods) and four babies in (or out), she still hasn’t given Juicy Joe a son. And here comes her arch nemesis, popping out a perfect amalgamation of XY chromosomes. Enough to make a bitch howl at the moon in a cheap tube dress!

  2. 2
    Stewinberri
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 5:06 am

    It’s official, Dr. Flipit, board certified in neurology, specialist in neurochemical imbalances brought on by obsessive reality tv viewing, has determined through an extensive 3 minutes of research, the Real Housewives franchise is as addictive as crack.

    Like crack, the housewives are literally and figuratively cheap to produce and easy to find. Their users encompass a wide demographic, and are usually hooked after the first encounter or a marathon experience. Consumption of either can lead to secrecy, shame, embarassment and eventually isolation from those who do not partake. Non-users can never understand how you got involved with this mess in the first place. Didn’t you know, reality tv is bad for you?

    Whew, I feel better about my inability to drop these delusional dysfunctional hookahs! I HAVE AN ADDICTION!

    And until this shit officially “jumps the shark” or His Royal Assholiness himself, Andy Cohen, officially declares “Scary Island didn’t happen” I’m staying hooked. Harumph!

    BTW, Flipit you are a genius. If those ninnyboobs can pass themselves off as singers, fashion designers, models, actresses and (gag) future moguls, you can certainly claim an honorary “cough” medical degree. Ha!

    Luv luv luved the screenshots of your facial expressions. Without your “research” I would never have realized the emotional rollercoaster these wummin take us on each episode provide the highs and lows I keep coming back for. Addictive much!

    Hope you continue to recap. Look forward to the Jersey premiere. Ah what to drink while watching, because I like to enjoy my vices simultaneously.

    Happy, frustrated, disgusted, awestruck, dumbfounded, schadenfreudous etc., viewing to all.

  3. 3
    LAC
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 5:45 am

    Flipit, my darling, are we related? Because those expressions you had on your face were mine when I watched that trailer. You are a genius and NIH should get you a grant for research! Well, I have my” WTF” face on, my “who does that” gestures ready, and MUH wine chilling for tonight.

    And remember folks, we are all from different backgrounds, but we can all hate the TERESA!!!

  4. 4
    ohralphie
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 5:56 am

    I don’t know what makes me more deliriously happy — that this trainwreck of humanity is back on the air or that I get to read your recaps of it! Regardless, it’s a win/win for me.

    During past seasons of NJ I often found myself wondering just what it must be like to be related to Theresa — and now we know. It sucks! Who’d a thought it? Besides Danielle and every other person on Earth that is.

  5. 5
    Stewinberri
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 6:01 am

    My Celtics are out of the playoffs and the Williams sisters have both withdrawn from the French Open. I won’t be able to cheer any of them on but I’m will willing to channel all that extra into indulging my unabashed hatred for all things THEREEEESAH!

  6. 6
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 6:05 am

    Last year was so uncomfortable to watch that I wasn’t sure I would be back this season. But without Danielle and with the new ones, I’ll be there will bells on!!! What? A woman can’t wear bells to watch tv if she wants to? Oh whatever… I hate Theresa!

  7. 7
    Heather
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 7:08 am

    I miss Dina and her crazy cat and gem stone collecting.

  8. 8
    kdfinjpn
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Mmmmmm – Milky Way Bars!!

  9. 9
    Miss Molly
    Posted May 16, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I prefer you in polo shirts.

  10. 10
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted May 17, 2011 at 2:26 am

    LOL!!!! Loved it! And the iPhone shots had me rolling!!! Loved it!

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