Trailer Trash: Real World New Orleans

“It’s supposed to be like this raunchy parade where they throw penises and it’s like you can’t take your children to it.”

When the first line is this and not “I’m introverted because I was possibly molested as a child”, you know that it’s gonna be a fun season. Real World has tried to go back to it’s roots in the past few years by giving us “meaningful” seasons with “real” people. If you consider this ass “real”.

It’s partly our faults. Every time there’s a raunchy drunk slutty season, the comments tend to be “all they do is drink. Remember when this show wasn’t just about reality whores f ing for the camera?” The producers hear us and they try to make us happy. So they give us schmaltz. And then we collectively tune out and stop commenting at all. Dear Producers, We complain because because WE LIKE TO COMPLAIN! Complaining is the backbone of America! Look at our Presidents. We vote jackasses into office just SO we can complain. Forget fixing the pot holes in the streets or making the post office run properly! We need a doofus to bitch about! Now bring on the slutty alchies!

The upcoming season takes place in a city where the streets are paved with gold vomit and the first shot of the trailer is a queen talking about throwing dicks while he sits next to a girl who’s labia is barely covered by her tiny skirt. YAAAAAAAYYYY!!! Welcome back, RW!

My favorite thing about the start of a new Real World season is learning the cast’s names. Jemmye? That name was totally chosen by moving letter magnets around on a refrigerator. Real World names are the only names that can truly compete with black culture’s gems. There’s a woman running for City Council or something in LA named Aqua Netta. I would pay good money to see her debate “You had me at throwing dicks” Jemmye. The next thing we see are a couple of douchebags daring each other to eat nasty things until they barf.

I have my fingers crossed for at least one drunken gay night so his top can call himself Knight Rider.

Wow, Ellen, I know you’re down to one show for the summer but that’s no reason to stop getting haircuts.

What other show can you get an exchange like this?:

“Have you ever killed somebody?”

“Like…?”

Naked Ellen alert!

There’s a girl on this show named Sahar. It makes me sad, cuz it makes me think of the run down Sahara hotel in Vegas. That place used to be full of promise, and now the last A goes out on their sign and no one even bothers to fix it.

In the book of baby names, my name means “broken dreams and wasted potential.”

RW is known for giving us some nice toned flesh. This year, their standards are a little low. I blame Katrina.

You’ll have to forgive me but the gyms still have water damage.

We have our Real World standbys: the Southern twit flirting with the pudgy dorky white guy of the house, hot tubs, confusing friend sex. And a dark mysterious troubled lesbian.

“Question of the year: ‘What’s wrong with Ryan?’”

A. His hair keeps screaming in the middle of the night to stop torturing it

B. He keeps getting fan mail from Rosie O’Donnell

C. Someone peed on his journal

Answer: I don’t have it yet. But I will soon.

Ryan’s got the “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAAAAAAND MEEEEE!” whine of the season. Poor kid. I wish I could pat him on the head, condition his hair, and tell him “honey. Let me teach you a super important lesson about life. NO ONE CARES. Now go outside and make some friends. ” Montage of people getting fun wasted, bored wasted, exhausted wasted, and finally sobby wasted. Man. They’re all gonna sob at some point this year. Someone even gets arrested!

The final thirty seconds of this trailer are filled with so much slurring I can’t even tell what’s being said. When it’s all over, I have a feeling I’m gonna be just like the girl in this pic:

New season premieres Wednesday June 30th @ 10/9c and will be recapped here by VirginiaApple. See you then!