Trailer Trash: Twilight Eclipse

Twilight

Ahhh, Twilight. You’re so predictable with that damn overhead flying shot of the green tree-lined hills by the ocean. I hope whoever shot that is getting residuals for it, because they should be rich as hell. They never have film an exterior again.

Okay, is it just me or is this vampire make-up becoming a lot less “sparkly” and a lot more “clownish pancake base.” They’re one stick of red lipstick away from being an army of Jokers. I think I even saw it dripping off when they were getting out of the water. And by the way, not to sound like Andy Rooney here, but vampires can jump crazy distances right? Like, they can pretty much fly? Then why would they be walking through water? It seems idiotic. I really hope they get a Vampire George Washington to lead their army because they are morons on their own. Also because it’s going to be hard to be Werewolf General Patton. I hear he’s a real hard-ass.

So, we’ve got an army of vampires verse and army of werewolves with a girl in love caught in the middle, you know, “The Motion Picture Phenomenon The World is Waiting For.” Also, apparently the vampire army trains by roughing up homeless people in the slums? Classy, vampires. Vampire Washington has got to be disappointed in you.

So, we stir up some blood lust and the main wolf kid says he’s excited to kill SOME vampires. Hinting at the fact he’s bummed that he can’t kill them all. But do you know who he’s saying it to? Yup, a vampire. Dude, come on, show some class. He’s a nice guy and he’s sitting right there! That wolf kid probably goes on to say, “No, no. You’re one of the good ones! Some of my best friends are vampires, I just don’t want them dating my girl.” Oh boy, he is digging himself a hole, now!

The trailer continues and we’ve got more fighting and jumping and classic wolf vs. vamp slow-mo. Not to mention a chase through a forest that I’m pretty sure George Lucas could win a lawsuit over if it was ever shown alongside a certain Speeder chase in a court of law. We’ve also got guys pushing ladies out of trees, which is always sad to see, then more giant CGI wolves attacking men in white grease paint. Sexy.

Honestly, this trailer is fairly hollow. I’ve heard the same about the books, that almost nothing ever happens, it’s just a lot of whining, but a movie is your chance to take out those boring chapters and make it a minute-by-minute visual, visceral thrill ride experience. Sounds pretty good right? Well, maybe they did. Unfortunately for Stephanie Meyer (the writer of the books in case you’re a hermit who stumbled onto this internet thing and TVgasm.com just appeared and you clicked on Trailer Trash because it reminded you of home) when you take out all of her boring dialogue and whiney characters you probably do just get a massive fight sequence of vampires vs. werewolves and other vampires in a picturesque wooded area of Washington state. And really, what else can you ask for in a film? Besides a better film? And Werewolf Patton.