Trailer Trash: The Book of Eli

***We have been trashing our favorite TV shows for years now, and as you know, we can go on for ten pages. So movie recaps might be a bit much for the site but movie trailer recaps tell us all we need to know anyway. Please welcome Mike Betette with Trailer Trash!!

The Book of Eli 1.15.10

I just watched the trailer for The Road, I mean The Book of Eli. Why is it that in post apocalyptic films everything is so secretive? The characters are secretive, although I get that because they have to keep their post-apocalyptic supply of water and burning tires away from renegade gangs. But he major plot points also seem to be a secret. Why can’t we the audience know anything? Why did the world go extinct? Why did some people live? And what book is he protecting? Just tell me! Anything!

Also, he sure does fight a lot for a guy protecting what might be a Bible. He must be an Old Testament protector. But, I have so many questions about what is happening in this movie I don’t even care about it anymore. The only things I know about this movie are the actors names. And that’s just because of imdb. Just give me ANY answer, Book of Eli. Give me one piece if information. Like, why are cats so angry and hissy in this desolate future? You say you’re putting a crew together to go after him. Who’s “him”. Or who’s “the crew.” Or who’s even speaking?? Anything. Any answer would be great. Mila Kunis says she wants to be taught. Taught what? And why is your hang out spot an old west saloon? I don’t know.

I have no answers….

……I just, feel so alone….it’s so empty here in this trailer……..There’s nothing left…….

…..This trailer is just a wasteland of leftover jump cuts and dramatic music blowing across the desert…………It’s like all the answers just got up and walked away……..for no reason………it’s nothingness……I’ve been here since this trailer started, one minute and forty two second ago…… I’m the only man left in this trailer. The only one left in this barren world of questions……….Or am I?…….. There’s not even questions anymore……..It’s a fact I’ve finally come to terms with. I’ve also been drinking my own urine. A lot…….. And all I’ve got is this one Answer. I must protect it at all costs…….Keep it away from those damn renegade trailer gangs and their homemade whip chains. I’m just hoping I’m right about the question…….because it will save the world. It’s our only hope……Mmmm, this urine is delicious…..Wait! What’s this?! A woman?…. In this desolate review?…..I must try t get close to her……. Even though I must never tell her my Answer. She will surely steal it from me. You could be one of “them.”…….

………But shared rations may come in handy so I can live long enough to use my Answer. And when we get two thirds of the way towards the end of our journey, I will tell her my Answer. She will be scared….because she knows the question. This was meant to be. Then together we will fight off our enemies trying to kill us for what we know about the trailer, murder us for the names we have found on imdb. For our wonderful urine……..

……..Me and the woman must survive just long enough to make love. Then, because I am vulnerable I will be killed in a reference to Adam and Eve. But as I die she tells me……she’s pregnant. And she asks me her question. And I lean in close and whisper my Answer in her ear…..then die, just like everyone else here inside this godforsaken trailer……

……..for The Book of Eli.

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