Spring is here! Let’s check out some upcoming releases.
April is gonna be one sexy month.
17 again April 9th
Hey, a movie with Matthew Perry! I think I like Matt Perry. Glad to see he’s back. And he’s with Thomas Lennon (AKA Leutenant Dangle). And Matthew Perry’s all dumped on and sarcastic, that’s when he’s at his funniest. I’m legitimately excited for this movie. Just as a cherry on top they throw a Murray brother in (Brian Doyle-Murray) as the wise old janitor, saying: “I bet you wish you had it to do all over again.” Nice. Hey, Zac Efron’s in this movie too? Wait a second! Matthew Perry turns into Zac Efron?! Nooo!! I’ve been had! They tricked me! No, I don’t wanna like this anymore! I don’t wanna watch, somebody make it stop! This is no underrated Matthew Perry comedy like The Whole 9 Yards or Fools Rush In. This is a Zac Efron tween comedy vehicle! Like High School Musical or High School Musical 2.
I wonder if George Burns fans were this hurt when he turned into Charlie Schlatter, if anyone had ever heard of Charlie Schlatter. And now I’m wondering if people were upset when Vice Versa turned out not to be a Judge Reinhold vehicle, but actually a Fred Savage vehicle. Wow, I begged my stepmom to take me to see Vice Versa because it had the kid from Princess Bride in it. I am truly through the looking glass.
Fine, I get it. I like the adults in movies now. I’m older. I don’t mind. Now I can appreciate Thomas Lennon playing Zac Efron’s dad throughout the movie. Although, to be honest I was very nervous about Joel Murray showing up as an apartment complex super and turning Lennon him into some dude from iCarly or worse, one of the Jonas Brothers. Luckily, that did not happen.
Now here’s my big question for the trailer. Why does 17-year old Matthew Perry have to dress like such a douchebag at first? The awesome thing about gaining the power to go back and do it all again is that we can learn from our mistakes! He knows more about women, can act totally confident, and doesn’t have to wear a freaking trucker hat cocked to the side. You’re only in the body of a 17 year old!! You still have the brain of a normal, thoughtful, discerning 37 year old! Stop sayin’ “‘sup!”
Ohhh..that’s the joke. That he’s old so he doesn’t get what’s hip. He was just trying to act like a hip 17 year old. I get it. Okay, funny joke. I should have waited for the punch-line. I really need to start watching the whole trailer before I write these things.
Moving on, this movie ends up not being about going back to high school and getting a second chance to do it all over again. Apparently, it’s about spying on your children and fake befriending them so you can give them fatherly advice from the inside. Matthew Perry (I refuse to call him Zac Efron) helping his son is a nice thing, I guess kids could always use a little help. But helping out his daughter gets a bit creepy. There’s a scene in the triailer where 17 year old Perry sits with his teenage daughter alone on the bleachers out back of the high school, putting his arm around her, telling her it’s all going to be all right. Perry, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job as someone who has been granted a wish to inhabite your high school body with your adult mind, but I am pretty sure you’re giving her some mixed signals, and if you don’t realize that when a guy touches a girl after school by the football field she’s gonna think you’re into her, then no amount of high school janitor magic is going to save your parenting skills. Get away from your daughter you pervert!!!
CRANK 2 April 17th
You know how Crank was like Speed but instead of a bus is was his adrenalline he had to keep up or he’d die? Well, Crank 2 is like Speed 2. But instead of a Cruise Liner it’s his heartrate. So, now I would like to do my written impression of the Crank 2 trailer.
HELLelicopter, flail, hospital, premise, PUNCHSMASH, Noooooo!!! What? iPhone, premise, FASTCAR, glasssmash, SHOCKINTENSE, HOLY CRAP!! Smog over desolate landscape, girlfriend touch, GUNFIRESTRIPCLUBSHOOTBADGUYS, mansion bikini, plot, PUNCHRUNFEETCONCRETE, old lady sex joke. [Repeat with Music Video]. Facetatooskateboard-WINDOWSMASH! Associates plot, landonacar windowjump. AHHHHHH!!!! Title gravelly voice-over. BOOMEXPLOSION! Set-up-quip. JUMPSCREAMPUNCH credits.
STATE OF PLAY April 17th
This film seems to be a regular political thriller. Russell Crowe is a journalist trying to find out the truth, with a few tricks up his sleeves. Ben Affleck is a politician who the murdered girl worked for, maybe he’s involved, maybe he’s not? Helen Mirran is the newspaper editor asking, “I want to know everything that we can about her. Who she knew, who she blew, the color of her knickers.” WHOAA!! Wait a minute?! Did Helen Mirran just say “who she “blew” in this trailer?! I just played it again, yup! WOW!! What demographic are you trying to snare with that?
And the rest of the trailer goes on as an absolute dicotamy, half of it trying to be an intense thought provoking political thriller and the other half trying to be an action movie that drags me to the edge of my seat. Get on the same page marketing people! Or make two different trailers. That’s why one “I Love You, Man” seems to be about this gross-out bromance and one is about a guy refalling in love with his fiance.
Back to State of Play. Crowe uses investigative journalism to delve deep inside conspiracies to expose the truth, but guess what? He’s got 8 HOURS TO DO IT IN! Why?? Can’t we wait to send this to press until we have have the whole story? Take your time and get it right, now THAT’S good journalism. Okay, so we have a time limit. Time to start chasing people down streets, sneaking a look at evidence and Russell Crowe asking, who might have wanted her dead? WHAT?! I’m no long time professional investigative journalist, but that kinda seems like the first question you ask. I’ve seen procedurals. First things first, if the dead person had enemies, you go talk to them. Get it together Russell Crowe!
Next up, Helen Mirran finally stops rambling about bj’s and does some good internet research. She scrolls and finds a company! A BAD company! Where money’s involved! A clue perhaps? Ben Affleck says, she(the dead girl) had access to everything they(the bad company) were doing and I believed they killed her for it. Hmm…seems like a bit more than a clue. Seems like that’s the answer. It was just someone at a major corporation getting someone out of the way to make money. That’s pretty much it. So, I stopped watching the trailer.
Then, while eating dinner I started wondering…what if I’m wrong? As I changed into pajamas I asked myself…what if that’s what Ben Affleck wants me to think? As I lay in bed, I thought…I bet this conspiracy goes deeper than I ever imagined! I bet Helen Mirran is involved, why else would she be so crude?! I bet it’s time for someone to break some rules! I jumped out of bed and watched the last 48 seconds of the trailer. In it, Russell Crowe decides not to break the law and instead do “damn fine reporting”. He finds out that this company destroys people who get in their way and tells Ben Affleck, “she was risking her life for you!” Ben responds, “If you walk away, they win.” So it was some faceless corporate douche killed her for money. Just like I thought. Damn it! I totally could be asleep by now!