Trailer Trash: The Bounty Hunter

I don’t know about the movie, but the trailer shows Jennifer Anniston getting shoved into a trunk so it can’t be all bad.

The Bounty Hunter

3/19/10

Hey , Bounty Hunter trailer, fuck you! I was having a pretty good night until you came along. Watching some fun trailers. Watching some average trailers. Making some jokes about them. And then you came along. You make me sick. Nothing should be this bad. You are so bad I’m not even disappointed or able to laugh it off. I’m angry!! DAMN ANGRY!!! You suck!

It’s bullshit moment after bullshit moment with you isn’t it? You’re think you’re all cute being a romantic comedy with a touch of action. Well, you’re neither! Your chemistry is as forced as your premise and action is as milquetoast as your acting.

Who know who should NOT be a “funny/romantic lead?” You know who is as far away from Hugh Grant as you can get? You know who instead of coming off charming, comes across as dismissive and asshole-ish and who’s American accent sounds like he just got home from having a root canal? That’s right, Gerard Butler, you! Fuck you! And that Dumb and Dumber haircut has got to go! Who told you that was a good idea? They’re a liar. ….It was your idea wasn’t it Gerard Butler? I thought so. Just bad decision after bad decision, huh? You made one half ass romantic comedy with Katherine Heigl and you got cocky. Sad. Sick and sad.

And Jennifer Aniston, you should know better. You really should. What, did you get jealous about how much Steve Martin sold out by doing the Pink Panther movies and you wanted to top him? I can’t believe you! And I thought Along Came Polly looked bad. Real Bad. Compared to pile of ferret shit it’s Oscar worthy!

An ex-boyfriend who turns out to be your bounty hunter?! What, was Jerry Seinfeld’s fake “The guy who owes you money has to becomes your butler” idea too deep for you? Also, reality check! Nobody believes that Jennifer Aniston did something so bad that a BOUNTY HUNTER needs to come after her. Nobody! That idea was bad enough but you aren’t the kind to stop when something’s bad are you Bounty Hunter trailer? No, you have a bunch of generic gangsters chase after her, too! And great, now, of course, Butler the bounty hunter has to save his ex-girlfriend who he hates, and they start to fall in love. I wish I could flush you away, trailer.

Who in the hell said to themselves, “You know what we should do? Let’s take Midnight Run with Charles Grodin and Robert Deniro and make it a romantic comedy!” Because whoever it was I wanna see them so I can give them a good hour of shaking my head in shame in front of them. Because that’s what they deserve!

This movie is so bad Gerard Butler can’t even finish his lines! Literally. In the trailer he says “I’m dead serio-…” and never finishes. We don’t cut away, the camera just sits there awkwardly wondering what the hell is going on. Honestly, this is the worst trailer I’ve ever seen. How does a BLOOPER get left in the trailer?!?!

Jeff Garlin, get the fuck out of this movie! GET! We don’t need your “You two made a horrible couple” lines of exposition. Go be fat somewhere else.

And the run of what they consider “jokes” in this movie is not funny. It’s sad. AIDS sad. I bet Precious is funnier than this movie. Dodge balls while running through a driving range? Why would people still be hitting balls if there was a guy out there?! And it’s a fuckin’ golf ball. Who gives a shit? And the dick/gun joke in bed? Do me a favor and shoot me in the dick with that gun, huh? Thanks, much better. At least it can’t get any worse than this, can it? Of course it can, we’re watching the trailer for The Bounty Hunter, the worst movie of all time! Of course you need a tazer joke in there! Yeah Gerard Butler, do that physical comedy you’re so famous for! Next up, that old lady just called Jennifer Aniston ugly! WHY? Because she must be fucking blind!!!! She’s one of the most beautiful people on the planet . Officially, from People magazine! Not to mention she’s wearing a sexy dress and lots of make-up. At least mess up your hair if it’s supposed to make sense when people call you ugly. Don’t leave yet folks or you’ll miss the hilarious punch-in-the-balls!! Which coincidentally is what I’m doing during the entirety of this trailer. To myself.

What what did I expect from the director of such hits as “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Hitch,” and “Fool’s Gold.” Andy Tennant, you have ruined my day, sir. And I expect an apology. Hey, if your eyes and ears start bleeding and you get the shits and heave your guys out until you have to be rushed to the hospital for dehydration, look at the calendar. It’s probably March 19th, 2010 at 10:00 AM, the first public showing of this film. I know I usually wish everyone in the industry good luck no matter what the film because we all know someone who worked hard somehow to do something thought was good. But in this case, fuck them. All of them. Hard. This shit rots.