Trailer Trash: Couples, Stepfathers, and Really Pissed Off Citizens

***Don’t know what upcoming flicks are gonna be good and which ones will suck ass? We don’t either. But we have a great time trying to guess. Please welcome home Mike Betette with another round of Trailer Trashin’.

Opening October 9th:

Couples Retreat

First of all, I think I’m getting old because I don’t think this movie looks terrible. The 20-year old me would see a film about couples having problems and scream “NEXT” at the TV. But, I don’t hate this

now. Maybe it’s because it stars the guys from Swingers or maybe it’s because I’m married. Now, before you start judging me, please don’t think that I like “married people humor” or as it’s commonly referred to, “shitty sitcoms”. I want Jim Belushi to go away just as badly as you. But sometimes, this trailer makes it feel like Couples Retreat might just have a little more depth and fun.

Jason Batemen’s in it, that’s a good sign. I like Vince Vaughn being Vince Vaughn, bitching about things like he had to get it all out before he forgets it. But then the trailer will switch it up and have a scene where a yoga guy shoves his crotch in a dude’s face. That is when 31-year old me says, “NEXT!” I’m just not sure which style of comedy this movie is going to be so I-HOLD ON!! WAIT! Was that Peter Serafinowicz?! YES!!! It was! There, the guy in the blue shirt, at the restaurant!! Yes, that’s him!

WHAT?! You guys don’t know who Peter Serafinowicz is?? He’s hilarious! He’s British and weird and if you haven’t seen his show “Look Around You”, you have to check it out. It was on Adult Swim for a while I’ll warn you, it’s weird. But if you like “The Mighty Boosh” or “Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place” you’ll love it. YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF EITHER OF THOSE?! COME ON!!!!! Okay, stop!

Listen, the best alternative comedy going on right now is coming out of England. And this goes way deeper than Russell Brand. I’m telling you guys, it’s awesome! They get away with so much more on TV there! Okay, so “Garth Marenghi’s Dark Place” is like if a really cocky Stephen King wrote, acted in, direct and produce his own tv show in the 80′s that was a sci-fi horror hospital drama. IT’S SO GOOD YOU GUYS!!! You’ll have to look it up on youtube or torrents though, because the DVDs are only available for European DVD players. IT SUCKS! But you can find this stuff if you search. It’s SO worth it! If you used to love Aqua Teen or anything on Adult Swim you’re gonna go nuts for it. OH! And there’s MATT BERRY! Just watch Garth Marenghi, please! Matt Berry has the best voice in the history of Sound. Unless you like sciencey humor, then start with Look Around You. I can’t BELIEVE you people haven’t heard of any of this. And Snuff Box! A great, weird sketch show. Matt Berry is in that, too.

Yeah, you’ll like it all. Start with Garth probably.…and…….where was

I?…..Oh yeah, the Couple’s Retreat trailer. It’s fine I guess.

Ps. Follow @serafinowicz on Twitter!

Opens October 16th:

Stepfather

Alright, The Stepfather trailer. I hate it already. I have not watched the trailer yet, but it’s a horror film, called The Stepfather. Seems pretty simple. And that stupid red tie poster? Incredibly lame. I will now watch the trailer, in full, and come out with a number 1-10 of how much this trailer compared to my assumptions. 1 being that the trailer was nothing like I assumed (this

would be if it turned out to be an animated Disney film) or 10, a “Saw” rip-off with screaming and confusion and scared people’s backs to walls/doors, which is exactly what I think it will be like.

Here we go…

Okay, done. Weird. The trailer is 2:24 in length. For the first 1:02 I thought I was WAY off. Like a 3. Just seemed like a family drama coming of age story about trying to get along with the new dad while still being a teen. Real Mandy Moore material. Then at 1:03 it turns Dexter-ish. I’ve never

actually seen Dexter, but it seems like Dexter would be, except this dad was angrier. So, maybe if Dexter got caught and went nuts? And his son was a wanna be detective. But still, I thought I was pretty off. Seems more psychological thriller. Somewhere around a 6 on my assumption scale. No screams, no gore. Yet. I was starting to get very depressed. Had I lost my touch to judge the hell out of everything before I even see it? If so, what did I have left? Nothing. I would be empty; a shell of a person who had no reason to eat or sleep or put on a different set of clothes after I showered. My life was crumbling away from me….

But then I got to good old reliable 1:58. Better late than never! I have been vindicated! With :26 seconds remaining (37% of the trailer) I reached a very respectable 9.2 on my assumption meter. The only reason it wasn’t a 10 is because the killer was not shrouded in a mask or darkness. But thanks for coming through for me The Stepfather trailer. You proved that I should pretty much stick to my well honed judgy instincts. I only wonder if you’ll have to wait two-thirds of the way through this horror movie to get to the horror. I say “you” because I’m just going to assume it sucked and not see it.

PS. I apologize for all the math in this short piece. It will NOT happen again.

Law Abiding Citizen

The trailer for, Jamie Foxx Gerard Butler Justice at Any Cost Law Abiding Citizen, or so it’s called on the poster,…

…, takes you on the beautiful, and very telling journey, of a Hollywood producer. Let me tell it to you:

A long time ago, after a meeting, two producers named Michael and Neil got two hot stars to agree to do a movie together. Their names were Jaime Foxx and Gerard Butler and it was the happiest day these producers had ever had. It was the start of something beautiful. This movie was guaranteed to make its money back, said Michael. Neil agreed. But that wasn’t good enough. Because you see, the only other movie these producers had made was a film called “The Rebound” which did only OK at the box office, and only because it starred Catherine Zeta-Jones. Boy oh boy, did these producers have a lot to prove if they wanted to impress their evil bosses at Overture Films. Which they did!

So, they found a script. A riveting script! A real drama to be sure. It had a courtroom and everything. One guy would play the lawyer and the other the bad-guy. They would yell and get upset and make big sweeping statements about the moral ambiguities of our legal system. Who was right? Who was wrong? Was justice served?! No one was sure…and we liked it that way! But then one day, one producer said to the other, “Hey Neil, I’m afraid people aren’t gonna go crazy for this Grisham shit anymore. We need to go bigger.” “I agree Michael, but…how?”

Weeks went by. Literally dozens of cell phones calls and txt’d ideas went back and forth, but nothing. Maybe it was hopeless, they thought. Then, one day, while sitting poolside together, they saw something. It was a commercial. A commercial for the DVD of Transformers II, with special features! They both jumped up so fast they almost spilled their mojitos and cocaine! They both looked to each other and without even having to think they yelled in unison “Michael Bay bigger!” Quickly, they got to work telling writers what to do!

Soon their movie was more action that drama! It had explosions and guns, people running and loud music stings. It was perfect! This movies seemed like it was on the road to a box office opening weekend with “#1″ written all over it. Yes, these producers were really going to make their evil bosses proud!

More weeks went by and the rewrites were coming in slowly but surely. But the evil Overture bosses kept popping their heads in the office saying, “This shit better be good!” and “We got hosed with Butler in that “The Proposal” crap so be careful!” and “If this office catches Heigl-Butler disease, you’re as good as dead in this business.” The producers were getting nervous. They were under a lot of pressure and their mojito-cocaine addiction wasn’t helping. “What do we do,” said Michael. “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW,” screamed Neil with coke and mint leaves covering his face!!!

They started fighting. Best friends at their worst. It was a sad, sad day. But then Michael had an idea! “Screw it, let’s just make it horror.” And so they did. They forced their writers back to work, telling them to add a bunch of random torture scenes for no reason. You see, horror films, like “Halloween” and “Saw(s)”, statistically do make the most money of any genre of films. Mainly because they are so cheap to produce, low budget means big profits. Which also means that the same logic would probably not work for a big courtroom drama starring two major Hollywood celebrity actors. But it was to late to think about that, the rewrites were back! The movie was now filled with gory torture scenes with needles, kidnapped people with hoods over their heads and people strapped to makeshift surgery tables in huge secret rooms filled with strange and unusual devices. It was a gory horror movie now all right and they had done it! Michael and Neil high-fived each other, they were a success! And just to be sure to secure the right demographic they took all the women out of the trailer and added the line ‘I’m just gettin’ warmed up’ juxtaposed with a giant fireball surrounding the main character right at the end. They sat back and watched their work. “Do you get it, Michael?” “I sure do Neil…I sure do” and they sipped and snorted all night long talking about their next big film, “The Beautiful and the Damned” coming out in 2010 starring Keira Knightley…. The End?