Trailer Trash: Cirque du This Boondock Bronco Devil House

***Just because it’s the beginning of Fall doesn’t mean that it’s time for the crappiest movie releases of the year! Wait. Yes it does. To celebrate the oncoming glut of trash, please welcome back Mike Betette with another installment of Trailer Trash!

by Mike Betette

October 23rd

“Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant”

In this trailer, our young, hero Darren Shan begins with, “What if I don’t want everything to be all planned out and lined up for me…You know, like what if I don’t want to be in another mindless vampire book adaptation based on the success of “Vampire Diaries”, “Twilight” and “True Blood”?”

Okay, he didn’t say the second part. But I assume that’s what he meant by the first part. “But Mike”, you’re saying, “I, the gentle reader am a kind-hearted soul and know that the executives who work for studios are people too. They have families to feed and they just want to guarantee their jobs during this tumultuous time! They’re good people” Well, I might not go that far, reader, but I actually do agree. And good for you for not joining up with my bandwagon hatred. My original cynicism was a test and you passed! In this day and age of remakes and re-do’s and the herd mentality of movie making, we need to judge every project individually. We can’t always assume something’s bad because it’s similar. Sometimes the first movie to come out in the line of a genre was not the first film created.

For instance, when Disney found out that 20th Century Fox was making “Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World” (release date November 14th, 2003), they rushed production to steal their sea-faring audience with “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” (release date 9 July, 2003) Guess which movie won? The first pirate one, with an opening weekend of $46,630,690 vs. the “other” pirate movie at $25,105,990. Although to be fair Johnny Depp and the Disney ride and Russell Crowe being a complete dick probably had a lot to do with the outcome.

FYI, here is a quick timeline of the most recent popular vampire stuff, all originally books by the way, from oldest to newest: 1. The Vampire Diaries by L. J. Smith, which the CW series is based on (1991); 2. Cirque du Freak: A Living Nightmare, The Saga of Darren Shan by Darren Shan, which this review is loosely based on (2000); 3. Charlaine Harris’ book Dead until Dark, on which “True Blood” was originally based (2001); 4. And most recently, Stephenie Meyer’s book Twilight, which, duh, “Twilight” was based upon (2005). But no matter what came out when or based upon what, we have to assume that every filmmaker, actor, writer and even executive truly is trying to create the best piece of art they can; because if you don’t believe in that you have lost too much faith to be able to appreciate greatness when it does come along. So, please don’t just say that “Cirque du Freak” is just another really crappy teen vampire film. Say that this particular teen vampire film, “Cirque du Freak”, looks really crappy. Which it absolutely does.

October 28th

“This is It”

The entire time I was watching the “This Is It” trailer, which is described on imdb as “A compilation of interviews, rehearsals and backstage footage of Michael Jackson as he prepared for his series of sold-out shows in London,” I was waiting for the “but…” Maybe I’m too jaded or used to watching too many comedic re-mixes on youtube. The trailer starts with people saying, “His dreams inspired the world. But there was still one dream he wanted to share with everyone…”

And punch line! Boom! Neverland Ranch joke. Or bubbles the chimp! Right? Oh no, this trailer is serious. Very serious. Apparently all he wanted to share was an amazing and beautiful concert in London. Not little boys pee-pees. Don’t I feel like a jerk? The trailer continues and again I’m waiting for the “but…” According to imdb, this is a documentary. So, we’re watching people swoon, Michael dances to Smooth Criminal, musicians say how they owe everything to Michael. Then we hear an announcer voice over of “Hold for applause and fade-out”. Which we do, and when we fade back in the music is sentimental and Michael sits alone on stage. “Here it comes,” I think. The VH1 Behind the Music moment. We hear a clip “Michael has a depth to him that people don’t really know.” Oh yeah, get ready for the hurt. This is about to get real…. Or real more of the same, apparently.

More people kissing Michael’s ass, him having a great time singing in a high-powered smoke machine and we go right into Man in the Mirror. Apparently, what we’re supposed to learn from this “documentary” which is really a behind the scenes of a music video is, as Michael says “It’s all for love. L-O-V-E.” Okay, I guess. But where’s the “but…” There’s so much more to this story!! I want the dirt.

Or do I? I don’t miss Michael enough to just watch a compilation of butt kissing for 112 minutes. I’d rather listen to an album of his, if I had one, which I don’t. But…(here it is, finally) I don’t know if I want to watch people talking how screwed up he was for 112 minutes either. About how his kids are going to have a rough life. About how he was never really able to adjust. Maybe I don’t always need to dig deep and see the tears behind the mask. That’s not what a great performer wants you to see, I sure as hell don’t want you to know about how I scrutinized these jokes while eating ramen noodles and thinking about my divorced parents.

This movie might be one big Michael Jackson L-O-V-E-fest, B-U-T I guess I’d rather hear him sing Billy Jean and dance around in a bedazzled coat than watch him sit on the edge of the stage bitching about his crippling addiction to anesthesia because it numbs his mind so he doesn’t have think about how his dad beat the crap out if him. Because that concert would S-U-C-K.

October 30th

“The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day”

Most people I know hate or love the original “Boondock Saints” (“Boondick Saints” #oneletteroffmovies). And most people are at least intrigued by or hate Troy Duffy, the creator. For this review I have decided to take this trailer at face value and not have an opinion either way, which is easy for me because I really don’t.

OK, it seems like a normal action film. Guns and religion seemingly juxtaposed. Bad asses being bad asses and calling it out with the line “Let’s Do Some Gratuitous Violence,” which is absolutely horrific writing out of context, but is somehow forgivable within the trailer. You have Billy Connelly doing some awesome hair acting, as usual, this time as a gun toting Santa. Clifton Collin Jr. is doing an impression of Begbie from “Trainspotting”, but again, it seems to work as a part of the whole. It’s all pretty straightforward. Double guns, trench coats, probably a double cross I there somewhere.

“Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day” is a solid Win for an action movie. But, for those of you who are playing Action Fantasy League Trailers and need more info than just the Win or Loss numbers, here are the Fantasy League Statistics for “The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day”, the Red Band Trailer:

Guns cocked: 6

Guns shot: 14

Total number of guns shown: 102

Leather gloved hands holding 2 pennies: 1

2 pennies put on guys’ forehead: 1

Bad-ass dudes in sunglasses and trench coats walking slow motion down the center aisle of a church: 1

“Cool” one-liners: 6

Freeze frames into screen text: 6

People killed or seriously wounded: 6

Shots of killers acting nonchalant – 7

Peter Fonda’s – 1

Good luck! Of course you’ll have to do better than that to beat anyone that’s got “Zombieland”. Also, a little advice, always keep Michael Bay and Samuel L. Jackson on your roster.

October 30

“Gentlemen Broncos”

The text in the beginning of this trailer promises this movie will be “another unique view on the world.” Damn straight. This movie seems to be the definition of quirky. And you know what this world needs more of? Fun quirky movies. Because you know what this world has too much of? Bland action and romantic comedy fluff. I’d much rather see Mike White dressed in cult robes with an albino snake around his neck than watch Gerard Butler grimace at Jaime Foxx, or Gerard Butler smirk at Katherine Heigl. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, just like I know many others won’t feel this way at all. But the trailer of Gentleman Bronco’s shows promise for those of us wanting more.

This movie pushes the limits, in the trailer alone your brain is jerked around about every ten seconds. At first it seems like the movie is about home-schooled kids, then those home-schooled kids go to writers’ camp. But then they meet a self-absorbed science fiction writer (played by the amazing Jemaine Clement, from “The Flight of the Conchords”). Next, cut to a kid in the class who writes some sort of space/desert fantasy about men on flying reindeer who shoot missiles (the reindeer, not the men). Next, the trailer settles on a plot about the science fiction writer stealing the kids’ story and we’re off and running, and it sure was a fun time getting to here. It continues on with more of the same, and by that I mean complete and utter bizarre entertainment, with transsexuals, bad acting albinos and a blow dart in Jennifer Coolidge’s boob.

So, thank you Jarad Hess (creator of “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Nacho Libre”) for offsetting the status quo. With your help, someday Gerard Butler will pass up the script to be an action hero who comes out of a video game and “doesn’t live to play… plays to live!” and be someone with weird hair and a crazy accent who’s an accordion playing Ostrich farmer. …By the way Mr. Hess! I think I have a script for you!

Oct 30

“The House of the Devil”

Somebody needs to remind this trailer that the set-up to horror movies is about misdirection. Lull you into a false sense of calm, then BANG-guy in a mask with a KNIFE!!! The set-up for The House of the Devil, however, is the complete opposite. This girl is broke and her friend says, intensely…”you know what you should do…” like it’s gonna be some creepy cult ritual. And we cut to a “Baby$itter needed” sign with scary music playing. Oh no she didn’t!! Oh yes, she most certainly did call about a babysitting gig. But you know what’s scarier than babysitting (according to this trailer)?! A news report about a lunar eclipse! Hell to the no!! Hell to the absolutely yes that anchorman talked about it.

This horror movie trailer is boring me to tears! Then she goes to some old people’s house, they look freaky and shifty eyed for no reason and we find out they have no kids…and she is going to be paid to watch TV with them!!!! Then someone pulls the string on a solitary swinging light bulb, turning it off. And the trailer puts up a review, “The rare scary film that does not pander to its audience….Establishes mood with the precision and care of an early Polanski.”

First off, what kind of huge balls does it take to use Polanski as a selling point for your film right now? Like giant.

Now, maybe it was subconscious because Polanski directed Rosemary’s Baby, but at that moment in the trailer a candle flickers, a quick shot of some disfigured thing pops up and this trailer just got scary as SHIT! The old woman turns into this creepy face and it is scary as SHIT! Seriously. A blood red moon with a man saying “talk to me lord” over and over. That is S.A.S. (Scary as SHIT!)!! There’s some creepy doll or maybe human that’s all grossed out. I’m tellin’ you. SASMAO!! (Scared As SHIT My Ass Off!!) That girl is stuck and MSISAS!!! (My Shit Is Scared As SHIT)!! NJJZOVF,YJRTSU and MMSS!! (Nice Job Jason Zinoman Of Vanity Fair, You Just Ratcheted This SHIT Up and Made My SHIT Scared!!!