Trailer Trash: Watchmen

All right Watchmen fans. First off, relax!! I know absolutely nothing about Watchmen. Nothing. The only reason I even know it was based on a graphic novel is from the trailer. I even have to keep looking up to see if it’s Watchmen or Watchman; and I still always write “The” in front of it by accident. Therefore, I can absolutely guarantee that this review will only contain TRAILER SPOILERS. If anything is revealed about the movie itself it is a fluke and a coincidence and you may not bitch about it in the comments area. I knew not being a comic book nerd is high school would someday help me out. Finally!

Now, here we go…Trailer 1 (released July 17th 2008) starts with…”In 2009…Everything we know will change”. Yeah, it changed so much I have NO idea what the fuck is going on at all. I can’t figure ANYTHING out from this trailer. Some guy gets electrified and turned into sand, Batman’s there. Wait, no he’s not. Is he like supposed to look like Batman ’cause I thought it was Batman. All right, we’ve got superheroes of some kind, and there’s TV with a politician on it so whatever’s happening is affecting the entire country. Maybe they are fighting an army of all these blue alien men? What the F is going on here!?

All I know is everyone is ANGRY, rioting and killing and screaming all over the place. Except those serene blue guys. They seem to be just killing. And why does the main guy have the lamest superhero costume of all of them. He’s just wearing gauze and a hat. Come on, get some latex! Right? Who the hell is not saving whom when they ask them to, now? I am so lost, I have no idea what this movie is about. This trailer must really be just for the fans. Or at least for people who know the Graphic novel. Damn it! I guess not being a comic book nerd HAS screwed me over again! When will I learn? I really need that time machine. Orrrr…

I’ll just watch Trailer 2(released November 27th, 2008). This trailer was obviously made for us muggles.

Now here we go….Ohhhhh! I get it. It’s like a detective story about somebody killing superheroes. And the superheroes are archetypes of characters based on famous comic book heroes. I think. Neat! And it’s payback time. Cool! And the blue guy is maybe just one guy and splitting up is, like, his power. He is disenchanted, but will do it for love. I am totally on the same page now, probably. You get me Trailer 2. I’ll think twice before bitching about gravely voice-overs again, because back in Trailer 1, without you, man was I lost. But now I’m with you. And I’m excited!

Come on Superheroes you gotta save the people when they ask even though you’re not appreciated enough or something! We’ll find this guy murdering your kind if you can only band together; and the public will learn to appreciate you more, you just have to learn how to trust! Right? Wow, this movie looks great, possibly!

I do have one criticism of Trailer 2, however. In it, the girl superhero with the straight black hair and yellow and black latex suit is totally in love with the blue guy in one scene, then later she is totally about to make out with the Wolverine super-hero in another scene. I can’t tell if she’s a slut in the movie (and therefore will die for sure) or if she’s that blue guy’s sister. Well, once again, not being a comic book nerd is coming back to bite me in the ass! I was such an idiot to waste my high school years making love to beautiful young women. I suck.