Trashback: Blade

Let’s face facts Gasmi, America has a problem, and that problem is vampires. I hate to say it, but vampires aren’t all that scary lately. The ones in the movies lately just seem to glitter, and there abs aren’t anywhere near as good as the werewolves’s abs are. Oh and that doesn’t even take into account the surprising number of vampires on TV seeming to not be bothered Anna Paquin’s attempt at a Southern accent in the slightest. Look I don’t know about you, but our 2011 vampires just aren’t getting the job done in the thrills and chills department for this particular little waffleboy.

What the? Do any one of these jokers look like they have their lunch money past third period?

Luckily, thanks to the magic of DVD we don’t have to just settle for the current cinematic vampire. We can go back a few years to when things were different. When all vampires wanted to do was conquer the world, in really bad club clothes. A time when love interest doctors just wanted to find a cure for vampirism, in less time then it takes to make cup of noodles, and finally a time when a vampire hunting half-breed vampire just wanted to cut the heads off of every vampire who wandered into the scene with him. And work though his long simmering mommy issues. Yep my trashy friends, we are sitting down with the 1998 release, Blade.

Our movie starts with a little blurb telling us the year is 1967. We see a woman being hauled into an emergency room with a rag pressed up to her throat like she’s been seriously bleeding. We also see that she is even more seriously pregnant. We don’t know exactly what is going on, because all the sound is kind of turned down and in the background, but we do find out her vital signs are failing, and she is also in labor.

Mystery lady then pops out a bouncing baby boy. Man that was fast. I don’t think the nurse even made it all the way through saying “push.” This lady is quite possibly the most awesome pregnant lady of all time.

Sadly, our mystery lady isn’t anywhere near as good at stopping bleeding as she is at squeezing out kids, and she dies almost as soon as her baby clears the birth canal.

Are you wondering what that scene was all about? Tough noogies, because we just go to the next scene, and it tells us the date is now. Just keep in mind that “now” in this movie is 1998, and not 2011. Do this if for no other reason then the outfits in this movie won’t seem like what you’d see on a Project Runway contestant using goofy clothes in place of an actual personality.

Wait, I just remembered, that no contestants on the last five seasons of Project Runway has had an actual personality. Anyway, we are going to see a lot of poor fashion choices, but keep in mind they were the style at the time.

We watch some hot chick taking a guy to what she says is a surprise. Hey, it’s Tracy Lords. You may remember Tracy Lords from such projects as Cry Baby, or Roseanne. Then again if you remember Tracy Lords from any of those porn films she made as a minor, you could be well on your way to being a registered sex offender, so keep it to yourself Mr. Raincoat.

The guy with Tracy Lords is hard to explain. Nowadays, we’d just call him a douche, and move along. The only problem is this movie takes place in 1998, and douches didn’t really show up on our cultural radar until Brittney started dating K-Fed. Then again this joker is wearing a Kangol hat backwards and refering to his penis as “his heat seeker.” I think we’ll call him Proto-Douche.

So Tracy Lords takes Proto-Douche to this rave this is being held in a meat packing plant. Proto-Douche isn’t having the best time in the world, because Tracy Lords ditched him right at the door, and his fellow ravers are throwing more hip checks at Proto-Douche then you’d see in the third period of a hockey game.

It goes from bad to worse for Proto-Douche, because first he notices that something is dripping out of the ceiling on him, and then he realizes it’s blood, and then blood starts shooting out of all of the fire extinguishers, and I think we can all agree there is no way that Shinola meets the fire code. Finally, things truly hit rock bottom for Proto-Douche when everyone else in the club, which seems like about 100 people, turn into vampires.

Now, I hate to break up the action, but what the director is telling us is that Tracy Lords brought one guy for a hundred vamps to use as a sippy cup. That’s the human equivilent of being in charge of snacks and showing up with one can of Pringle’s potato chips.

Not cool Tracy Lords. Now a days some people would call this a party foul, but because this movie takes place in 1998, the frat bro isn’t going to exist for at least five more years. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to realize that 1998 was apparently a halcyon period in the history of our fine country.

So the vampires start punching and kicking Proto-Douche, sticking their tongues out at the camera, and totally forgetting that it was Tracy Lords who failed at reenacting the Miracle of the Loves and the Fishes when it happens.

Cut to Wesley Snipes standing off to the side and looking hella badass with his shades and long black trench coat. I don’t know if vampires have working sphincters, but everyone in the room gets a look on their faces like theirs just became air tight, and start calling Wesley Snipe “The Day Walker.”

The director lets the tension build for a while, and then Wesley Snipes cracks the whoopass can wide open. He shoots vampires, stabs vampires, and chop sockys them like this was a Tae Bo workout gone horribly amok.

Oh and the way, for you keeping score at home, it’s frigging awesome. We even get some wonderful action movie goofiness, when while Wesley Snipes is shotgunning a mess of mooks, one of the mooks runs to a wall, grabs a pair of meat hooks and then runs back to Wesley Snipes spinning them around. The mook promptly gets shotgunned too, but it does look cool while he is spinning those hooks around.

Man the vamps are getting their butts kicked, and CGI disintegrating left and right. At this point even a Wesley Snipes fan such as myself is starting to wonder if the vamps are just going to take this beat down without an even semi-effective fight.

Enter Donal Logue stage left. You may remember Donal Logue as the portly rebel solider in The Patriot, or the hefty playboy in The Tao of Steve. In this movie Donal goes way out on a limb and plays a big boned vampire. I always like this guy in whatever he’s in, if for no other reason then his whole career seems to be spitting in the face of gym memberships.

The only difference in this movie is that Donal is not only a vampire,but he’s a complete tool. How do we know this. Well in this scene he’s wearing a straw cowboy hat, and a mesh tee-shirt. Hurt him Wesley Snipes, hurt him bad!

Pay attention, because you are going to be seeing this next fight sequence a lot in this movie. Donal Logue shows up with a bunch of vampire goons, and he talks a mess of poop about messing Wesley Snipes up, and then when all his mooks gets killed stands there with a look like Grandma just farted at the Thanksgiving table. This is followed by Donal Logue being subjected to some pretty serious pain. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me this never gets old.

In this case, Wesley Snipes ends up using spikes to nail Donal Logue to the wall, and then sets him on fire, because if they kill Donal Logue in the first five minutes of the movie, it doesn’t make any sense to have him showing up on the set for the next three weeks. This is also right when the fuzz shows up, and Wesley Snipes exits stage left.

The cops have brought a couple of firemen with them, because when you get a report of shots fired at a meat packing plant you can just assume you’ll find somebody who is on fire and spiked to the wall. Well that’s what the script says, so we go with it.

We cut over to a hospital, and when they open up Donal Logue’s body bag down in the morgue he’s still smoking. The guys in the morgue decide to wait for Donal Logue to cool off, and the director has to figure out what we are going to do for the next shot.

In another part of the hospital we see this very attractive lady doctor being all researchy, translation, using a microscope. It turns out that the lady doctor is N’Bushe Wright, who you may remember from such other movies as Zebrahead, or The Dead Presidents. Ms. Wright is also pretty, which is why we’ll be referring to her as Hot Doc for the rest of the post.

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not crazy about Hot Doc as a nickname, because it’s a little too Nancy Grace for my comfort zone. On the other hand, I really don’t think anyone wants to see just how many different ways I can misspell N’bushe by the end of the post, so Hot Doc it is.

One of the doctors from the morgue comes up and asks Hot Doc to look at what’s left of Donal Logue down in the morgue. Hot Doc isn’t to anxious to do this because she and the morgue doc used to be an item, and she thinks he’s going to use this time to beg to get back together. Hmm, somebody’s self image is feeling extra positive today.

Morgue Doc assures Hot Doc that he just wants her to check out Donal Logue’s blood, because she’s a doctor of hematology (it says so right on her name badge). For the good of the plot, Hot Doc reluctantly agrees to go check it out and we exit stage left.

As soon as they get down to the morgue, Morgue Doc starts asking Hot Doc why they broke up. I’d go with his apparent lack of a functioning short term memory, but we don’t get an answer to this question, because the crispy lump of Donal Logue pops up off the table and proceeds to give Morgue Doc the mother of all hickeys.

Hot Doc freaks out for a moment, which is understandable, because a large three quarters burnt presto log seems to thinks her ex is a giant Pez dispenser. Hot Doc hauls butt out to hallway, because breaking up means you can always leave when your ex-boyfriend gets attacked by a creature of the night. Too bad for her though because Donel Logue has a husky boy sized thirst and puts the bite on her too.

This is right when Westley Snipe shows up, and cuts off Donal Logue’s hand. Donel Logue might be burnt to a cinder, and now missing a hand, but the guy can take a hint, and he books out of the scene.

This is when the NYPD show up and start shooting at Wesley Snipes. Because sometimes in order to protect a hospital you need to partake in some completely irresponsible gun play. Well you do in action movies, and that’s what we’re watching.

Wesley Snipes picks up Hot Doc and gets out of the scene by jumping through a window to the roof of a building clear across the street. Then Wesley Snipes just zips into a handy stairway, and he and Hot Doc are out of the scene too.

Wesley Snipes takes Hot Doc back to the warehouse he calls a swinging bachelor pad, and we see that he has a roommate. Hmm, it’s a crusty old guy with long grey hair listening to classic rock and doing some sort of manual labor that involves lots and lots of sparks. Is it Sam Elliott? Cause I love me some Sam Elliot.

Oh crap, it’s Kris Kristofferson. Not that there is anything the matter with Kris Kristofferson, he’s just not Sam Elliott. It’s kind of like when you want a chocolate chip cookie, and someone gives you a raisin cookie. It’s still a good cookie, but it’s not chocolate chip.

Old Raisin Cookie, I mean Kris Kristofferson, wants to know why Wesley Snipes has Hot Doc with him. Wesley Snipes explains that Hot Doc got bit by a vampire, and Kris Kristofferson says Wesley Snipes should have killed her. Wow Kris, somebody is taking their membership in the He Man Woman Haters Club way too seriously. Kris Kristofferson gives Hot Doc a shot of garlic, and says if she turns into a vampire Wesley Snipes is going to have to kill her. [Insert your own cheap HMO joke here]

We cut from that over to the vampires to see what they are up to, and meet our bad guy for the movie, Deacon Frost. Deacon Frost is played by Stephen Dorff who has been in everything from Different Strokes to the movie Public Enemies.

Stephen Dorff is getting called on the carpet by a bunch of older pure blood vampires for what happened, what with Blade offing all of those vampire extras a couple of scenes ago. And you know what? Stephen Dorff ain’t care. How do we know this? (A) Stephen Dorff is smoking, and thirdly, he’s wearing leather pants, and has product in his hair. If I could invent a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time beat this movie’s costumer with a stick until my arm got tired.

Not paying attention in high school science classes is finally coming back to bite me on the butt. Well, aside from all the D’s I got while I was taking them too.

Regardless of Stephen Dorff’s sense of style, he doesn’t care what humans think, and points out that they are food. Nobody points out that last night’s problem wasn’t people as much as it was Wesley Snipes going through the local vampire population like a Popiel Veg-O-Matic going through a case of cabbage. (It makes mounds and Mounds of coleslaw!) Yeah I’m making a joke about a kitchen gadget from the 1970′s, but then again I’m not wearing leather pants so it all balances out.

The old pure blood vampires tell Stephen Dorff he’d better cut it out, or, well he’d better just cut it out. Stephen Dorff gets all menacy with the head vampire, which would have a better chance of working if Stephen Dorff wasn’t 5’8″.

We cut back to Blade and company, and Hot Doc hasn’t turned into a vampire, so Wesley Snipes and Kris Kristofferson are kicking her butt to the curb. They do give her some vampire mace (garlic and silver nitrate juice), and tell her that if she doesn’t flee the country by sunset, the vampires will get her. This can’t be said often enough, Worst. Outcare. Program. Ever.

Hot Doc heads back to her apartment and starts packing up all her tank tops, and tight jeans, so she can start a new life as a cod fisherman in Nova Scotia , when a friendly local neighborhood policeman shows up. In her apartment. Without Hot Doc letting him. Also it turns out that he isn’t as friendly as I first thought because he’s there to kill Hot Doc.

That is until Wesley Snipes shows up. He clonks the bad cop over the head, and explains to Hot Doc that the cop is a familiar. A familiar is a human who does whatever demeaning jobs vampires think up for him hoping that one day the familiar will get turned into a vampire. In the real world we call familiars interns.

Wesley Snipes starts quesioning Bad Cop, which mainly consists of him beating the everloving crap out of the guy. We hit a little snag in the interrogation, when Hot Doc won’t let Wesley Snipes get the bad cop to talk by blowing his brains out. Man, some people ace their MCAT’s and they think they know everything. Wesley Snipes is kind of pissed when Hot Doc interrupts him, but gets down right grouchy when Bad Cop runs out of the scene.

It turns out Wesley Snipes is only a little grouchy because he is going to wait for the bad cop to come back and get his car. Hot Doc doesn’t think anyone would be dumb enough to come back after getting beaten and having a gun held to his head.

Enter Bad Cop stage right. Okay, part of the reason why he is coming back is because he has some blood in the trunk of his cop car that he needs to deliver to the vampires, but also because dumb might not be pretty, but it moves plots like Mayflower moves dinette sets.

Wesley Snipes and Hot Doc follow Bad Cop to some vampire/Yakuza club, and after giving Bad Cop a few more additional blows to the head, they find the entrance to a secret vampire archive.

The vampire archive is full of a bunch of computer servers, because those dang old vampires own everything. Oh and there is also this humoungous fatty, fatty, mcbatty vampire wedged into a corner that Wesley Snipes and Hot Doc torture to get their next clue.

They also find a door to a secret room where the vampires keep their bible, which supposedly none of them can read, because it’s a dead language. This is also where Donal Louge shows up with a bunch of vampire goons, and takes Wesley Snipes and Hot Doc prisoner without much of a struggle, which seems a little strange.

Donal Logue proceeds to go into his smack talking routine, showing Blade that his hand is growing back. Daniel Logue also proceeds to hammer a couple of spikes into Blade’s shoulders which just about has Blade giggling like a second grade boy telling his first poop joke.

You see it turns out Blade is wearing a microphone so Kris Kristofferson has heard everything that has been happening, and then, KABOOM! One of the wall blows up, and Kris Kristofferson shows up. We get the patented Donal-Logue It- Wasn’t-Me-It-Was-The-Dog-Look, and then Kris Kristofferson mows down a mess of mooks with a machine gun.

Wesley Snipes gets loose, and then he and Hot Doc exit through Kris Kristofferson’s hole. [Note to self, that last sentence is completely inappropriate, change it before submitting to Flipit] The vampire take off after them, which is a good thing, because Kris Kristofferson tosses a big bag of explosives into the room before he exits stage left.

Kris Kristofferson’s hole eventually opens up into the subway tunnels, which would explain why trains are zipping by roughly every five seconds. Wesley Snipes and Hot Doc just clear Kris Kristofferson’s hole right when the big bag of boom boom goes all hooie kablooie.

Kris Kristofferson gets blown down into the gap between the train tracks and the ledge that Wesley Snipes and Hot Doc are standing on, and a few more vampire extras get sent to vampire heaven.

In a gap between the trains Wesley Snipes grabs Hot Doc and jumps to the ledge on the other side of the tunnel. Donal Logue hasn’t been smacked around in the last ten minutes, so he’s follows Westley Snipes over and they proceed to make with the fisticuffs.

Wesley Snipes drops his badass samurai sword, so he can’t chop off any of Donal Logue’s appendages this time.  Aw, don’t make that face. What Wesley Snipes does do is grab Donal Logue’s head and use one of those speeding subway trains to  grind off about half of Donal Logue’s face. Yeah, I thought that would cheer you up.

Hot Doc makes herself useful by getting Wesley Snipes his samurai sword, and this is right about when Donal Logue decides he really doesn’t need to get reduced to component parts in the second act and he exits, stage right.

Too bad for Wesley Snipe, because a whole other batch of vampires coming running towards him and Hot Doc. Wesley Snipes grabs Hot Doc with one hand, and grabs on to the end of one of those whizzing subway trains, and they zipped right out of the scene.

We cut back to Wesley Snipe’s pad for some much needed exposition and back story. It turns out that Hot Doc is freaked out by Wesley Snipes pulling all that superhuman stuff back around Kris Kristofferson’s hole. (Okay, that’s the last Kris Kristofferson’s hole joke of the post. Really. Promise. Quit making that face.) Granted Hot Doc getting worked up over this now might seem strange seeing as how Wesley Snipes threw her from one building to another when they first met, but then again we’re rocketing owards the third act, and nobody has spoon fed us this info yet, so we just get on with it.

Do you remember that lady who gave birth and then dropped dead at the beginning of the movie? That was Blade’s mom, and she was attacked by a vampire right before she started going into labor. Thanks to Wesley Snipe’s mom getting bit, he got a big old dose of vampire DNA that mixed with his. This means Wesley Snipes is strong like vampires, and can heal all of his wounds super fast like a vampire. The only thing different about Wesley Snipes compared to regular vampire is that Wesley Snipes doesn’t burst into flames when he is exposed to sunlight. Pretty cool.

Wesley Snipes does have one flaw. He really wants to drink blood like regular vampires do, but luckily for the good of the plot he is taking a serum that suppresses his thirst. Of course, this is where we find out the Wesley Snipes is building up a resistance to the serum.

As for how Wesley Snipes ended up hunting vampires, well Kris Kristofferson is a long time vampire hunter who found Wesley Snipes when he was 13. Kris Kristofferson got Wesley Snipes to stop feeding on homeless people and to start decapitating vampires, and do really need any more back story then that to make an action movie? Oh, and just to show you Wesley Snipes is extra alright, he’s dedicated his whole vampire decapitating career to his dead mother.  Okay that might not make him alright, but he’s not telling me about it as he’s about to get kicked off Top Chef, so he’s all right in my book.

We cut over to the vampires, and they are doing their bit to keep the plot moving too. Stephen Dorff and his buddies kidnap the head vampire and leave him outside to burst into flames when the sun comes up. They do this because the special effects for this guy bursting into flames are kind of cool, and it is part of Stephen Dorff’s master plan.

They have a plan?

Yes, it turns out Stephen Dorff has a master plan, I mean who ever heard of action movie villain who was just going to wing it for 90 minutes? Stephen Dorff may not be able to ride on the roller coaster by himself, but he can think up a master plan, and his is a dilly.

Stephen Dorff ran that vampire bible that no one could read through his PC, and decoded the whole thing. If he just kills the head vampire, takes the other old pure blood vampires prisoner, and gets a hold of all of Wesley Snipes blood, he’ll be able to turn into a vampire god.  Well everyone should have a goal, and seeing as Stephen Dorff’s goal doesn’t involve him showing up on my doorstep selling magazine subscriptions, I wish him the best of luck.

We cut back to Wesley Snipes who is heading downtown to pick up some stuff for Hot Doc’s cure, and he just happens to run into Stephen Dorff, in the middle of the day. What the?

It turns out if Stephen Dorff wears a poop load of sunscreen he can spend a little time out in the sun, and Stevie has decided to use his time having a powwow with Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes would like to kill Stephen Dorff, but Stevie is holding this cute little girl as a shield, so we get talkie instead of shootie.

Stephen Dorff has an amazing one time deal for Wesley Snipes. If Wesley Snipes will call a truce, Stephen Dorff is totally willing to be his bestie, have sleep overs, give each other facials, and use all of his blood for his evil plan. Oh crap, that last part was supposed to be a surprise, my bad.

Wesley Snipes takes a pass, and Stephen Dorff starts to tell him what a chowderhead he is, when Wesley Snipes points out that Stephen Dorff’s sunscreen is on its last legs, and Stephen Dorff has to exit stage left.

Wesley Snipes would love to kill Stephen Dorff, but Stephen Dorff chucks that little kid he was using as a hostage into the street, where I shit thee not, the kid is about to be hit by a bus. Wesley Snipes lets Stephen Dorff get away, and saves the kid.

Over at Wesley Snipes place Hot Doc has come up with a cure for vampirism. That’s really good news for her, because about five minutes ago it looked like she hadn’t gotten over being bitten at the beginning of the movie and was going to  vamp out on us. Luckily, thanks to the advanced science of mumbo jumbo she was able to gin up a serum. She worries that it might not cure Wesley Snipes because he was born a vampire, but at least Kris Kristofferson will stop telling her that she needs to shoot herself in the head. (In this movie that seems to be Kris Kristofferson’s cure for everything. He must be a terror during the cold and flu season)

Nobody gets time to bask in this good news, because Stephen Dorff shows up with his crew of vampire nogoodnicks to kidnap Hot Doc, and to kick the crap put of Kris Kristofferson. It looks like somebody else isn’t a huge fan of rasin cookies either.

We go to the next scene where Wesley Snipes wanders back to his fortress of solitude to find out that Stephen Dorff has elevated things to the Nirvana level of action movies, Personal. Luckily for exposition purposes, Kris Kirstofferson is still alive, and between him and an actual VHS video tape from Stephen Dorff they are able to get Wesley Snipes up to speed on the movies latest plot developments.

We just need to take care of one thing before we can move on to the obligatory getting ready to kick butt montage, kill off Kris Kristofferson. You see not only did Stephen Dorff and company kick the poop out of Kris Kristofferson, they gave him a vampire bite, so Old Not Sam Elliot is about to go over to Team Vampire.

This leads to two guys who been acting so tough during this movie trying to emote, and it comes off looking like what the world would be like if constipation was a communicable disease. Kris Kristofferson puts us all out of our misery when we gets Wesley Snipes to lend him his big honking gun so he can have a DIY Old Yeller scene.

Not that security has gotten Kris Kristofferson off the lot we can finally get back to work on getting this movie into the third act.  Wesley Snipes makes a poop ton of silver bullets, loads up some needle doohickeys with this compound Hot Doc made that makes vampires blood explode (don’t ask), and then in a bit which I’m sure was loaded with symbolism for the director, cuts the roots off of this plant he had in a little zen shrine in the corner of his room. I just saw I guy doing whatever it took to get out of re-potting a houseplant.

So Wesley Snipes heads over to Stephen Dorff’s to make with the whoopass. Hey, did you like The Matrix? Well so did this movie’s producers, because they pretty much rip off the scene where Keanu and Carrie Moss break into that office building almost frame for frame.

Well, except Wesley Snipes rides a Harley into the building, because Harley’s are bad ass, and after going through the human guards on the first floor, Wesley Snipes chop sockys the hell out of a small army of vampire extras.

Wesley Snipes even blows up a couple of vampires with Hot Doc’s exploding vampire juice. Wesley Snipes gives the vamps a shot, and they swell up the people did in Outland when they got caught out in space without a space suit.

Wesley Snipes goes through all of Stephen Dorff’s goons like poop through a goose until he gets to Stephen Dorff’s computer room, where he looks at some auto-cad picture, while this big box slides open behind him. When Wesley Snipes turns around he finds he’s facing his mother! And, she’s a vampire!! DuhDuhDuunn!!!

Wesley Snipes gets this look on his face like somebody just asked him to do a quadratic equation, okay, like somebody asked me to do a quadratic equation, and this is when Stephen Dorff shows up and Tasers the beejus out of Wesley Snipes.

Wesley Snipes found out his mom didn’t die all those years ago. Well, she did, but she came back as a vampire. A vampire who is super friendly with Stephen Dorff. Oh, and if that wasn’t bad enough, Stephen Dorff  bit his mom way back when, which kind of makes him Wesley Snipes vampire dad.  As Wesley Snipes digests this Old 86′er of bummer he gets carted off, because he’s the centerpiece of Stephen Dorff’s evil master plan, and we are deep in the third act now people.

With Wesley Snipes on ice, Stephen Dorff has to figure what to do with Hot Doc. He offers her the chance to become a vampire and share rides on the tiny Dorff pony for the rest of eternity. Hot Doc not only takes a pass, but tells Stephen Dorff that if he bites her she’ll just cure herself, because vampirism is just a sort of STD.

Oh, she did not go there. Stephen Dorff gets super pissed, because it’s just a cold sore, and throws Hot Doc into a pit with a zombie vampire.

Things get worse because the zombie vampire is that morgue doc who couldn’t get over the fact that he and Hot Doc broke up before the movie started. In fact as he’s pawing at her, he’s still asking if she misses him.

God guy, let it go already. Get a profile on Z.Harmony and save what little dignity you can.

Anyhow, it turns out that morgue doc is just as shitty as zombing as he was at being a quality boyfriend, because Hot Doc gets out of the pit and goes looking for Wesley Snipes.

It’s a good thing Hot Doc is looking for Wesley Snipes, because his day is on a definite downward trend. First his vampire mom tells him that she’s loved being a vampire all these years, and then Stephen Dorff starts draining all of Wesley Snipes blood for Stevie’s evil master plan.

You see, if Stephen Dorff can drain all the blood from a vampire who can walk around in the day, like Wesley Snipes, and then have some of that blood land on a bunch of pure blood vampires, they will all turn into CGI skeleton vampire bats that will fly around and around until they all shoot into Stephen Dorff, and when a drop of Wesley Snipes blood hits Stephen Dorff right in the melon, he’ll be turned into a vampire god.

Wow, when you see it all written down like that, it looks, what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yeah, dumb. Luckily film is a visual medium so Stephen Dorff getting turned into a little vampire god looks way cooler then it looks on your monitor.

While Stephen Dorff is getting turned into a vampire god, Hot Doc finally finds Wesley Snipes, but seeing as the Snipester’s blood tank is on E, he’s pretty out of it. Hot Doc has a work around though, and lets him use some of her blood.

Wesley Snipes does a serious little glug, glug, glug sequence, and when he’s done, I always feel like yelling “cue the Popeye theme!”

It’s a good thing Wesley Snipes has his mojo back, because his mom shows up and she’ gets extra stabby with that knife she’s carrying. Wesley Snipes chop sockys with his mom for awhile and when he pins her to a wall she plays the mom card and asks Wesley Snipes if he can kill his own mother? The answer to that question is a hell yeah, because Wesley Snipes stakes her, and sends her off to CGI heaven. After watching this, all I can say is whatever happens at your next Thanksgiving, you’re not going to top this.

Now that Wesley Snipes is free and clear of Mother’s Day cards for the rest of his life he goes looking for Stephen Dorff and that climatic battle we’ve all been itching for.

Oh wait, Donal Logue is still around, and he wants to have his climatic battle with Wesley Snipes first. Sigh, fine. Although Donal Logue has grown his hand and face back, so maybe this is the time he takes out Wesley Snipes. Nope, Wesley Snipes cuts his head off with some wire doohickey that shoots out of his costume. Sorry, Donal Logue, well at least you did your best, and as an added bonus for everyone else who worked on the picture, they were all able to finally get a donut off of the craft services table for the rest of the shoot. You see? Everyone’s a winner. Well except Donal Logue, but he did wear a cowboy hat and a mesh t-shirt at the beginning of the picture. Don’t do the time if you can’t do the time, or in this case get your head cut off.

Okay, it’s time for the big boys to play, or in this case Wesley Snipes and Stephen Dorff. There’s plenty of quality sword fighting, and even a little wire-fu to tickle our fancy. Wesley Snipes does well in this part of the fight, very well. He ends up cutting off Stephen Dorff’s hand, which we’ve seen before, and then he takes it to another level, and cuts Stephen Dorff in two.

Well you’d think that chopping someone into two separate pieces would end just about any fight, but in this case you would be wrong. You see, now that Stephen Dorff is a vampire god, one of the bennies is that he is apparently made of CGI vampire blood that among other things keeps him from being cut in half and can grow back chopped off hands to boot.

Stephen Dorff decides it’s time for him to kick a little ass for a change, and he does that thing were he moves so fast that the camera can’t see him, and hits Wesley Snipes several times in the noggin.

Wesley Snipes looks like a goner, which I guess is why Stephen Dorff decides that it’s gloating time. Too bad for little Stevie, because Wesley Snipes gets his hands on those vials of serum that blows up vampire blood, and uses Stephen Dorff like a dart board for about 10 of them.

Stephen Dorff swells up, swells up some more, and when he’s a big bloated CGI mess finally explodes like you only can explode in an R rated movie.

Now that the movie is all out of bad guys, Hot Doc tells Wesley Snipes that she can probably cure his vampirism, but it would mean losing all of his super powers. Wesley Snipes takes a pass on this, because he should be able to make at least two more sequels, and finally take on his most dangerous enemy, the IRS. The End.

God, what a movie, and not only does it have great action sequences, but  Blade is full of valuable life lessons, like don’t go to raves with Tracy Lords, especially at meat packing plants where they are carting human bodies around. It’s great to live in a country where even tiny vampires like Stephen Dorff can be frightening, and finally, if you’re pre-med just to make your parents happy, feel free to change your major, because you’re just going to find out they are unholy creatures of the night. At least that’s what I took away from this movie.

You should give it a look.