Trashback: C.R.A.P.

Hey there my trashy friends, you know Hollywood really is a dream factory. It’s a multi-billion dollar a year industry where people finagle or beg their ways into film schools and writing programs, do unspeakable things with their mouths, and are even willing to be the nephews and nieces of some of the most vile human beings walking the face of the planet just for the chance to work in the industry. And why do they do this? For the chance to gin out the same tired shit over an over again.

Hey, our dream for Hollywood may be for them to finally make a movie with giant CGI robots that doesn’t blow like a Tijuana donkey show, but for the people who work there the dream is to keep their jobs, get their kids into decent private schools, and to pay other people to do unspeakable things with their mouths, and this is understandable, because who doesn’t want that out of life?

Still, the great thing about Hollywood is that even when they are shit ginning like Santa’s little elves on crank, sometimes some highly entertaining crap ends up being spit out for us, the viewing public. Take today’s movie, a little brown gem that felt the best way to take a crappy 70′s cop show to the silver screen was to get Colin Farrell to sell out in his very first cheesy action movie, have Michelle Rodriguez do what she does best, spot low flying planes in a sports bra, and then have them battle against a tiny rouge cop and a bad guy who talks like Inspector Clouseau. That’s right Gasmii, we’re going back to 2003, and the crapstavaganza that is S.W.A.T. Anyway, enough with the intro-ing, lets get to the good stuff.

Our movie starts with a bank robbery, yea for senseless violence during the opening credits. Some bad guys with ski masks and big ass machine guns are holding a bunch of people hostage, and are just babbling. Seriously, if any of these guys said ougga booga booga, it would sound like Hamlet’s soliloquy compared to what is coming out of their mouths right now.

When speech majors go bad

Not to worry, because the LAPD is on the case. Their crack SWAT team has moved in and surrounded the bad buys, and this is where we meet our movie’s hero, Jim Street, Colin Farrell, and his partner.

Actually since The Hurt Locker came out I have to point out that Colin Farrell’s partner is Jeremy Renner who was nominated for an Oscar, which means I should refer to him in this post as Colin Farrell’s Academy Award Nominated Teeny Partner, but I can feel my wrist start to throb just thinking about typing that for the rest of the post, so I’m just going to refer to him as Jeremy Renner.

As you might have guessed by that last sentence, Jeremy Renner looks tiny in this movie, which kind of works out, because so does Colin Farrell. Look, I’m not saying that these guys are short, I’m just saying that for some reason in this movie the cinematographer decided to shoot them so they would look like the world’s palest Oompa Loompas. Whatever the reason, these two guys look like if one stood on the other’s shoulders, they might be able to look Tom Cruise right in the belly button.

Not that that matters right now, because those bank robbers are still holding people hostage, remember? All the SWAT guys are in position, but nobody is moving in, because they’ve been ordered to hold position.

Wait, did I say nobody? Because Jeremy Renner hops down through an air vent, and Colin Farrell follows him, because members of the Lollypop Guild back each other up.

The bank robbers eventually notice that they have a tiny cop infestation, and we are treated to a well deserved shootout. All the bad guys get shot, and we are looking at the world’s first four minute movie.

Only we aren’t, because this movie takes place in LA, one of the hostages decides to sue the city. Something about being unhappy with getting shot by Jeremy Renner, whinny pussy. At least that’s Jeremy Renner’s attitude when he and Colin Farrel get called in by their bosses.

Too bad for him, their bosses don’t share that attitude. In fact this one department bigwig wants to kick them both off of SWAT. Colin Farrell and Jermy Renner’s boss poops a brick when he hears this, because these two guys kick ass as Santa’s elves at the department Christmas party every year, and asks if they can’t just be sent to the gun cage, whatever that is.

Well whatever it is, Jeremy Renner doesn’t want any part of going to the gun cage. In fact Jeremy Renner demands that somebody bring him a step-stool so he can kick all their asses. Not surprisingly a step-stool isn’t provided, and Jeremy Renner ends up storming out of the office.

“And I’m telling you, that pound for pound, jockeys are the best athletes in the world!”

The scene then proceeds to get really awkward, because we find out that police bigwig is a full blown douchenozzle when he tells Colin Farrell he can stay on SWAT if he puts all the blame on what happened on Jeremy Renner. What makes this scene awkward, is that it all really was Jeremy Renner’s fault, but Colin Farrell doesn’t snitch. Lollypop Guild for life, yo.

We cut from that scene to Collin Farrell getting changed into his civies in the locker room after a busy day of incinerating his career, and guess who shows up? What? Academy Award nominated actor Jeremy Renner? Lucky guess.

Anyway Jeremy Renner just stops by to tell Colin Farrell that they need to quit the police force, because they could get jobs in any sport’s bar in America letting drunk guys throw them. Naturally Colin Farrell doesn’t think this is a good idea, because, well it’s dumb. Jeremy Renner then accuses Colin Farrell of selling him out, which is extra ironic because Colin Farrell didn’t. The situation escalates, angry words are spoken, and finally Jeremy Renner announces their tiny friendship is over and storms out of the room.

By the way, just a tip, but if you watch this movie on DVD you get to see the deleted scene where Jeremy Renner has to stand by the elevator for 20 minutes waiting for somebody to come by and press the button for him. It’s not to be missed for the true fan.

Well now that’s over, good things have to start happening for Colin Farrell, right? Eh no, not really. First he whacks the hell out of heavy bag, and then he runs on the beach until he pukes. Why? Well my first guess would be that there were pigs in a blanket on the craft services table after three, but we never find out for sure.

What we do find out is that when Colin Farrell gets back to his apartment, his girlfriend is in the process of moving out. Naturally Colin Farrell wants to know what would bring this on, I mean besides it being on page 7 of the shooting script.

Colin Farrell’s brand spanking new ex-girlfriend tells him she can’t stand being around him since he got kicked off the SWAT team. Oh man, is it the puking? Because really, all Colin needs are some Tums and a little Scope, and that problem is completely solveded. Sadly ex-girlfriend isn’t willing to let antacids do their magic to save yet another relationship and she exits stage right.

Remember back in 2003 when tattoos like this were fashionable, and not a mistake that would haunt a woman for the rest of her life or until she got laser surgery? Good times, my friends, good times.

Okay, so Colin Farrel, lost his job, his partner, and his girlfriend. The little guy needs help, and lucky the one person who can turn the world on with his smile is here to help.

What? Mary Tyler Moore? Okay, one of two people who can turn the world on with their smile is here to help, Samuel L. Jackson.

“…who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile…”

Yes, Samuel L Jackson plays Sergeant Hondo Harrelson in this movie. You know, my first thought was who the hell names their kid Hondo, until I gave the matter some thought, and realized that everyone should name their kid Hondo. Well, Hondo, Lefty, Butch, or Ace, and that goes for boys and girls. Sorry, but I’ve had all the Noahs, Logans, Olivias and Madisons I can stand. To begin with I think a solid generation of Hondos, Leftys, Butchs, and Aces would be the most kick ass generation ever, but also wouldn’t you rather read that Hondo Silverstien won the National Spelling bee, then yet another in a long line of Tylers? Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right movies, you’re the bestest.

Anyway, Samuel L Jackson shows up because the chief of police wants SWAT to get it’s swagger back, and thinks Samuel L. Jackson is just the man to do it. I think the chief is a smart guy, because if Samuel L Jackson can handle snakes on a plane, this should be a piece of cake.

The first thing Samuel L. Jackson has to do is assemble his crack team, and he gets right to work. First he gets this one guy who is sporting one of the world’s last great pornstaches, and this other guy with a big nose.

Sorry, mere words are failing me here

That’s a heck of a roof you’ve got over your upper lip buddy

His first choice of actual stars you’ve heard of is Michelle Rodrguez. Michelle gets the nod because her character is a kick ass police officer, and she is the only thing standing between this movie and a complete sausage fest. Samuel L. Jackson also picks LL Cool J, because, well LL Cool J is just so likable, how could you not pick him for your SWAT team? Samuel L. Jackson then rounds out his team with some guy who only eats vegetarian hot dogs. Just kidding, he takes Colin Farrell, which I’m sure makes the producers happy, after they spent all that money to get him in the movie.

By the way, Michelle Rodriguez has at least one scene in every movie that she is in where she wears only a sports bra or a super skimpy tank top. Most awesome streak in movies today.

And a little gratuitous eye candy for our non Michelle Rodriguez in sports bras fans

So now that Samuel L. Jackson has assembled his crack team we get to one of my favorite parts of any action movie, the training montage. Thanks to the magic of Hollywood, any activity that would normally take weeks or even months to master can be learned in about three minutes, and they usually play a catchy tune in the background too. I’m telling you, if my academic career had featured training montages, I would have been on dean’s list every semester.

And it works like a charm here too, so we aren’t surprised that within a matter of minutes our heroes are ready to put the hurt on the bad guys out there, and not a moment too soon. Yeah, it seems while Colin and Samuel L. Jackson were montaging their little hearts out, a scuzzy French, sorry, Corsican crime kingpin played by Oliver Martinez has hit town.

Oliver Martinez is only planning on being in town long enough to kill his uncle played by the fat guy from Borat, but he gets pulled over by the LAPD for a busted taillight, and taken to jail. This is a nice touch, because in real life the LAPD are some savage and ruthless sons of guns when it comes to enforcing the motor vehicle code.

This ez zee knife I use to cut zee cheese. What ez sew funny?

This is too bad because while he’s in jail, the cops eventually figure out the whole crime kingpinning thing that Oliver Martinez was trying to keep on the down low. The good news for Oliver Matinez is that he is able to make an escape attempt off of this bus with the help of Herc from The Wire.

Unfortunately for Oliver Martinez, our heroes have gotten the job of escorting him to super super tough federal prison out in the desert, so they show up just as he is about to get away. This leads to Herc and some stunt man getting killed, and Oliver Martinez getting captured again.

Wow, bad guy caught, the movie must be over right? Not on your life because Oliver Martinez is about to do something awesome on the crap movie front.

As they are walking him into jail, Oliver Martinez passes by a bunch of TV news crews, and announces that he will pay anyone who can get him out of jail, one hundred million dollars. Well, actually because Oliver Martinez’s French accent is so thick it makes Pepe LePew sound like Ralph Kramden, it comes out as “ONE HUNRED MEE-YON DOLLAHS!” And just to make sure everyone gets that, he screams it again, sounded as crazed as he would if you told him he couldn’t have a cheese course with his dinner at Applebee’s.

Silly English kingigets!

Now because this is LA, every street gang in town just happens to be watching the news waiting for Larry King to come on. Fun fact, Larry King’s demographic with the criminal element is huge; I think it’s because of the suspenders.

I’m just waiting for my stories to come on

Anyway, the LAPD is putting their heads together to come up with a kick ass plan to get Oliver Martinez to that prison out in the desert. Well some of the LAPD is working on the plan, that douchenozzle captain from earlier in the movie just wants them to make sure there are plenty of reporters to take his picture when he drops off Oliver Martinez. Okay Douchenozzle, thanks for the input. Man, but what can you expect from a guy who’s got the same butt cut as Simon Cowell on American Idol?

Eventually, the guys in the LAPD decide to just fly Oliver Martinez out in a helicopter. Wow, that sounds simple. Yea for simplicity at its finest. That should work without a hitch.

Only it doesn’t. Care to guess what happens? What? Somebody shoots down the helicopter before it can land with a big ass rifle? And that somebody just happens to be a tiny angry man who quiet the force six months ago, and lost the Oscar to Jeff Bridges? Wow, that’s a pretty good guess. Now quit peeking at the shooting script, you’ll spoil it for everyone else.

I don’t know about you, but I loves me a good exploding helicopter scene

So now the LAPD can’t fly Oliver Martinez out of the city, and they need a plan B. Samuel L. Jackson thinks they just need to give the matter some calm rational thought, and figure out who just shot down their whirlybird. Captain Douchenozzle doesn’t want anything to do with this, and I have to admit I’m with Douchenozzle on this one. This is because calm rational thought in a movie theater will eventually make you wonder why a large coke, medium popcorn, and a box of milk duds costs only slightly less then my first car, and that doesn’t make for a kick ass action movie. It only leads to a middle aged man swearing profusely at the 16-year-old girl behind the candy counter until he is asked to leave. (By the way, if anyone out there would care to tell me how that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie turned out, I’m all ears) Trust me, thinking and movies don’t mix.

The plan the LAPD eventually goes with, involves a whole mess of police cars and SUVs driving through the middle of LA. Well, it’s worth a shot, whats the worst that could happen? Well in this case that would be the police convoy getting the poop shot out of it by all those street gangs who spend their free time watching the news. This results in smoke grenades going off, cop cars getting blown up, and a poop ton of automatic gunfire, or what this waffleboy likes to refer to as a successful movie scene.

Random goofy screen grab of the movie

Too bad for our well informed street gangs, that they don’t get their ONE HUNRED MEE-YON DOLLAHS! because it turns out that the convoy was a decoy. They do end up getting shot to poop by the cops, and the survivors get carted off to jail for a very long time. This is why I don’t watch the news. Well that, and cartoons are usually on. By the way, my vote counts just as much as yours, so neener, neener, neener.

So where in the world is Waldo, sorry, Oliver Martinez? Well Samuel L. Jackson has come up with the can’t miss plan of sneaking Oliver Martinez out through some tunnels, and loading him into a car and driving him out of the city without anyone else knowing about it. Wow, simplicity at its finest strikes again. It sounds foolproof.

Well, maybe but it’s not guy with big nose proof. Yeah, the guy with the big honker sells them out to Jeremy Renner for a share of that sweet, sweet ONE HUNRED MEE-YON DOLLAHS! Too bad for the Big Beaker Jeremy Renner immediately shoots Pornstache Guy, and this gives him a major case of the guilts. The bad guys exit stage right, and Colin Farrell gets on the radio and tells everyone what happened.

After the good guys make sure that Pornstache isn’t going to die, they head after the bad guys, which means following them down into the subway, and then into the sewer system. Too bad for them that by this point of the movie Jeremy Renner has gotten completely in touch with his inner bad guy and rigs a claymore mine to blow the good guys all to hooie kablooie.

Of course, too good for us, because thanks to the script, Colin Farrell sees the mine at the last second, and keeps the always likable LL Cool J from the becoming the all blown to holy hell LL Cool J. Jeremy Renner is disappointed when he doesn’t get his planned on explosion, and as an action movie fan, I kind of am too.

Not that we have any time to mull this over, because the bad guys exit the sewers and proceed with the rest of their getaway plan. Eventually, after the most improbable use of high explosives in a movie that came out in 2003, the good guys make their way out of the sewers, and can get on with catching the bad guys.

Only it seems like the good guys won’t be catching anyone. It turns out while the good guys were down in the sewers, Captain Douchenozzle got wind that Jeremy Renner and the guy with the big honker are about two thirds of Team Bad Guys, and thinks our heroes might be in on the scheme too. Not that it matters, because Captain Douchenozzle has sent the entire police department over to watch this airfield on the other side of town that he is convinced Jeremy Renner is going to use to smuggle Oliver Martinez out of the country. Captain Douchenozzle tells Team Good Guys to stay put, and he will ruin their lives just as soon as the movie is over.

Naturally our heroes ignore Captain Douchenozzle, which pretty much saves the third act of the movie, so yay! They commandeer a stretch limo from a bunch of high school kids on their way to a formal dance, and get back to the business of stopping Jeremy Renner.

Prom in an abandoned warehouse? Worst. Theme. Ever.

Well they would be stopping Jeremy Renner, if they had any idea where he was, or what he had planned to get Oliver Martinez out of the country. That is until Michelle Rodriguez spots a Lear jet getting ready to land on a bridge in the middle of LA.

Yes, Jeremy Renner’s plan involves landing a tiny plane on a little bridge, and then flying off to somewhere far, far away where they can spend all of that sweet, sweet ONE HUNRED MEE-YON DOLLAHS! Improbable? Sure, but it makes for a kickass movie scene, and besides, what could go wrong?

Little jet + little bridge = awesome

Well in this case, Samuel L. Jackson could drive a stretch limo full of movie stars on to the bridge, shooting the poop out of everything while driving through huge kick ass fireballs, and eventually keeping the Lear jet from taking off by taking out its landing gear. Yeah, in hindsight it seems pretty simple, but to be fair to Jeremy Renner, who plans for something like that?

Although limos driving through giant fireballs are pretty sweet too

When the plane crashes, the remaining goons get in a gunfight with the good guys, and Michelle Rodriguez gets shot. Don’t worry, she was wearing a bulletproof vest, so she’s okay.

The always likable LL Cool Jay runs down Oliver Martinez and arrests him for the 43rd time in this movie. God, Oliver Martinez sucks at getting away from the cops. Man, I watch him and wonder how the French ever beat the Germans in the big one. What? They did? In six weeks? Wow, that explains a lot.

Samuel L. Jackson pokes his head in the Lear jet just long enough to watch the guy with the big honker shoot himself, and this movie is pretty much over.

Well, except for the part where Jeremy Renner rappels off the bridge into a railway yard, and Colin Farrell follows him, and we get to watch the world’s tiniest hobo fight. It’s pretty good, but it’s your standard end of the action movie good guy on bad guy climatic fisticuffs. Jeremy Renner starts out kicking Colin Farrell’s butt pretty thoroughly, but by the end of the fight, Jeremy Renner is the guy getting his clock cleaned, and because the fight takes place in a rail yard, he gets run over by a choo-choo and ends up dead.

WE cut to the next scene, where Captain Douchenozzle shows up, and doesn’t say he’s sorry for being a monumental douchenozzle, but does give our heroes the chance to cart Oliver Martinez off to the prison out in the middle of the desert for realsies this time. They take Captain Douchenozzle up on this offer, and in the last scene of the movie they drop Oliver Martinez off at the prison and tell him he’s about to be anally raped, a lot. The End.

Why is me dropping zee soap sew funny?

There you have it Gasmii, 117 minutes of righteous crap goodness, and as always with plenty of lessons for us to take away with us when the final credits come up. For starters, not only is Michelle Rodriguez tough as nails in movies, she also looks great in a sports bra, and excels at spotting small airplanes; a very underestimated actress in my opinion. Oh, and thanks to this movie we learn that it is perfectly feasible to try to land a small jet on a bridge in the middle of a major metropolitan area as long as Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t show up in a stretch limo shooting the poop out of everything. And finally, thanks to Jeremy Renner, we learn that short people can do everything that tall people can, and by everything, we mean organize diabolical evil plans to get noted international asshats like Oliver Martinez out of the country for ONE HUNRED MEE-YON DOLLAHS!. At least that’s what I took away from this movie.

Thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.