Trashback: Crap…IN SPACE!

Hey there Gasmii, I don’t know about you but I only ask for a few things from my movies. I ask that things blow up and/or people get kicked in the head. What can I say, I’m a simple man. Now when you give me a movie like the one we have today, where there are plenty of kick ass CGI explosions, many, many attractive people get kicked in the head, and there are giant CGI space spiders? Well that kind of crap will put a smile on my face that will be there for days. I tell you what, let me tell you about today’s movie, the 1997 release, Starship Troopers and see if we can put a smile on your face too.

Our movie starts with, what the hell? The news? Okay, it’s fake movie news, but still, if I pretend to be well informed it might leak over into real life, and if it does then Sarah Palin will never be elected president.

Still fake news has its purposes, and in this case that means feeding us enough exposition to get into the movie. We find out some space aliens are throwing asteroids at us from the other side of the galaxy. Not that mankind is putting up with this bullstuff, because we are sending a whole bunch of kick ass space solders to make with a little intra-species smackdown.

Oh yeah, that’s right ET, how do you like us now? Think you can parachute into out backyards and get Drew Barrymore hooked on the dope and there aren’t going to be repercussions? Oh come on, Drew was clean and sober until she met that candy gobbling mofo, do the math. Besides they are throwing asteroids at us now too, remember?

Yeah the only problem with the scenario I’ve been spinning is that the aliens in this movie aren’t little three feet tall butterballs. They’re ten feet tall giant spiders, and the first one we see rips a reporter into itty bitty pieces. By the way this ripping people into little pieces is their standard M.O. and it never gets old.

We’ll be seeing this a lot in this movie, yay!

Anyway, there are about twenty or thirty extras, and about a zillion CGI space spiders, so it turns out the humans are the ones getting their butts kicked, or in this case, getting ripped into itty bitty pieces. Yeah, the crap has hit the fan and we are now introducing another species to something mankind has spent its whole time on Earth perfecting, the blind panic.

Everyone is running around like chicken with their heads cut off, well except for the people getting there heads ripped off; they just kind of flop on the ground. Finally we see this one guy who has been doing a better then average job of actually killing space spiders get speared though the leg, and just when it looks like he’s a goner, we cut out of the scene.

We get a title card that says One Year Before, which as we all know means spending 20 minutes to explain the first five minutes of the movie.

We then find ourselves at a typical high school in Buenos Aires, although for some reason in the future we discover that the population of Argentina is pretty much 100% American. We also discover that the educational process must be super demanding in the future, because at the high school we go to everyone looks like they are pushing 30.

The important thing in this part of the movie is we get to meet all of our main characters for the movie. First we meet Johnny, played by Casper Van Dien. He’s the main character of the movie, a young happy go lucky meathead who wants nothing more out of life then to repeatedly bone Denise Richards.

Keep your stub to yourself buddy

Hey, speak of the devil, because Denise Richards just happens to be in this movie, she plays Carmen, a young girl who wants to be a pilot in the navy and to dump Casper Van Dien for the first asshat with poofy bangs that comes along.

We also meet Johnny’s best bud, Carl, played by Doogie Patrick Harris. The Doogie wants to join the army to develop his psychic powers, which might sound ridiculous, but seeing as this movie tells us Denise Richardson is a math wiz, there is really no reason why Dougie can’t expect to be able to shoot laser beams out of his eyeballs.

Oh and we also meet Michael Ironside, who plays Johnny’s civics teacher, and who tells us that in the future only solders get to vote because voting is the ultimate act of political violence. Well that would explain those WWII sound effects he makes in the voting booth. Sadly, it doesn’t explain why I make them when I’m in there.

Anyway, after a busy class day, we cut to the big football game that night. Johnny is kind of a dumbski, but he kicks butt at future football, which means he’s hella good at back flips.

Johnny’s team is doing pretty good, but Denise Richards meets an asshat on the other team, who not only has poofy bangs, but is going off to the academy where they train space pilots. Suddenly she’s all like Johnny who? and Casper Van Dien attention starts to wander from the game.

Luckily the girl who is the quarterback of Johnny’s team smacks him in the head and tells him to do another back flip. Johnny does this and ends up scoring a touchdown to win the game.

After the game Johnny goes home to get ready for the prom. It turns out there is a little tension around the house because Johnny wants to join the army as part of his plan to have sex with Denise Richards, and Johnny’s folks aren’t too happy about this, because they want Johnny to go to Harvard. Did I mention Johnny got a 35 on his math final? Well forget I did, it makes the plot completely unbelievable. Luckily Johnny’s folks bribe him with a trip to some planet that sounds like a pretty cool resort, and it looks like Casper Van Dien is going to Harvard after all.

We cut over to the prom, and Johnny’s quarterback, a girl named Diz. Diz is smart, tough, and actually hotter then Denise Richardson. Oh and Diz’s one goal in life is to do the funky monkey with Johnny. This is why she gets Johnny out on the dance floor, rubs up against him like a cat and heat, and asks if they can maybe find a romantic janitor’s closet somewhere and do the horizontal (or in this case, slightly vertical) mambo.

Now this would normally be a pretty skanky maneuver, but it just so happens that while Diz is trying to get impregnated by Johnny, Denise Richards is over with Poofy Bangs Asshat getting super flirty. Still Johnny passes on hot maintenance room sex, and he and Denise Richards do end up doing it that night because her folks are out of town.

Hi, just stopped by your prom to steal your girl

The sex must have been pretty good, because the next day when Denise Richards and Doogie Patrick Harris sign up for the army, Johnny signs up too. Needless to say, Johnny’s folks are pissed, but come on, he got a 35 in math, do they know how big of a building they’ed have to buy to get him into Harvard? He just saved them the gross national product of Fiji.

Right before they ship out, Johnny meets with Denise Richards and tells her he got disowned by his family. Denise Richards thinks this is kind of a bummer, but she’s like toodles, got to start living my dream. She heads off to the fleet academy, and Johnny heads off to BFE for infantry training.

Just so you know, infantry training is a living hell. Well it is for Johnny. For starters his drill sergeant is that big honking guy who was the villain in Highlander, and if that isn’t enough, Johnny ends with Jake Busey for a best friend, and as we all know, when you’re buddying up with Busey spawn; you’re not in a good place. Not that any of this matters, because Johnny’s in love with Denise Richards and they are going to be together forever and ever.

This is your new best friend Johnny, welcome to hell

Only they aren’t. Yeah, it turns out Denise Richards is having such a great time learning to be a pilot, that she decides to make the service a career. Oh and Poofy Bangs Asshat is her instructor and they are eye humping the poop out of each other. Anyway She sends Johnny a dear John video the first chance she gets.

Now while this sounds bad, it doesn’t have to be that way, because Diz has shown up at Cannon Fodder U, and has let Johnny know that she is available to make the beast with two backs behind the armory whenever Johnny is ready. Johnny doesn’t want anything to do with this because…well he’s a moron. He got a 35 on his math final, remember? Besides, have you ever looked at Casper Van Dien and thought, oh yeah, he’d be unstoppable at Celebrity Jeopardy?

Also, Johnny has other troubles. You see, Johnny gets promoted to squad leader, and promptly uses his authority to get one of his men killed. This earns Johnny 10 lashes, and he decides to handle this setback the way all great military leaders in history have handled them. He decides he’s going to quit the army and go live in his parents’ basement. Hey, it worked for Fredrick the Great, no reason it wouldn’t work here too.

Looks like I’m not the only one who had a problem with Griffin Stone on 90210

Well, he doesn’t get to put this plan into action, because of the former love of his life, Denise Richards. Yeah, one night she and Poofy Bangs Asshat are alone on the bridge of their big honking spaceship, and they decide to conduct a mutual tonsil inspection. Too bad this is right when one of those big honking asteroids gets shot at Earth, and by the time these two get untangled that asteroid is long gone and heading to vaporize Buenos Aires.

Man, who would have ever thought Denise Richards’s slutty behavior would get a South American city destroyed? Besides you Charlie Sheen.

Anyway, seeing as he no longer has a basement to watch My So Called Life reruns in, and seeing as there is a war going on, Johnny decides to give the army one more shot.

We get another fake news report, where Doogie Patrick Harris tries to look bad ass, some little kids stomp bugs for the war effort, but mainly because it’s a good lead in to some scenes on this big space station before we get around to that invasion from the start of the movie.

Well, it’s good exercise

Most twisted soccer mom ever

We see Johnny and his buddies wandering around when they just happen to run into Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat. Luckily everyone involved are mature and responsible adults who can express their emotions through careful well thought out words.

Just kidding! Johnny and Poofy Bangs Asshat try to whomp the lickpiss out of each other. We don’t get to see who wins because their friends pull them apart. By the way, responsible friends, I don’t mess with your entertainment, don’t screw with mine, okay? Anyway, every body exits stage right, and stage left.

After Johnny’s sort of fight he and his buddies go off to get matching tattoos. What? No, they don’t get tramp stamps. Who thinks of stuff like that? I’m going to keep my eye on you.

The big battle finally starts (again), and right away we can tell this isn’t going to turn out well. It turns out the space spiders have these big bugs that shoot plasma energy out their butts. [Please insert your own cheap joke here]

A bunch of space ships start getting blown up, and Denise Richards’s captain (who incidentally is plated by the same actress who was Sue Ellen Mischke on Seinfeld) tells Denise Richards to get them out of there, and Denise Richards pretends to steer a big honking space ship like she’s never pretended before.

We go down to the planet, where at first everything is going pretty good. Our guys find some of those big bugs that shoot plasma energy out of their butts, and nuke the hell out of them, which I think we all can agree is pretty cool.

Unfortunately, this is when the the regular sized space spiders show up. You see it takes about five guys shooting these spiders about a million times to kill just one, and as we already know they’re are at least a zillion space spiders running around. This is right about when operation blind panic sets in.

Because Johnny is a meathead, the hero of our movie, he’s hanging back to fight off the bugs, so the extras can make it back to the rescue ships. Things are going pretty smooth, although Johnny does have this one bug like seventy jillion times before it dies. The only thing is, that it isn’t dead and it spears Johny through the leg and it looks like he is a dead man, as everything cuts to black.

Wow, is the main character in this movie dead? It certainly looks that way, because Denise Richards checks the computer and they have Johnny listed as croaked, gonesville, pushing up petunias, D-E-A-muerto. Wow is the movie over? Because an hour would be pretty painless.

Only he isn’t. Nope, we see Johnny in this big fish tank with a big tube shoved down his throat, [Insert Your Own Cheap Joke Here], and him getting some super high tech healing to fix his bum leg.

How did Johnny make it back to safety? Who the hell cares? If he doesn’t we only have an hour long movie, and just so you know, the director, Paul Verhoeven, cries on the inside when people walk out of his movies before the two hour mark, and do you really want that to happen here? Well tough tit, we’ve still got an hour of movie to get through.

Once Johnny is all better, translation, the next scene , he, Diz and the Busey Spawn head out for the new unit they’ve been assigned to. The Busey Spawn isn’t in their new unit for more then 30 seconds before this black girl decks him. Looks like somebody else saw Tomcats too. Hit him for me black girl! Hit him for all of us!

Sadly, we don’t get to see Jake Buey get the savage beat down his career has always been begging for, because the guys meet their new lieutenant, Michael Ironside. Yep, Johnny’s old high school civics teacher, what are the odds? Well in a cheesy movie like this one, good enough to bet the mortgage, and the payments for grandma’s next chemo session on it.

Yep, Michael Ironside hasn’t changed a bit. Same crazy eyes, and wildly psychotic statements as at the beginning of the movie. The only thing is that sort of stuff is more appropriate here, then when teaching kids how bills become laws, so we go with it.

Everyone then heads down to some planet to put the hurt down on those dang space spiders. Everything is going quite well, until our heroes get attacked by this giant bug that shoots napalm out of its nose.

Oh no, that’s my Busey beating arm!

Luckily, Johnny jumps on the big bug, shoots a hole in its carapace, and then tosses in a grenade, blowing the big mutha all to hooie kablooie.

Michael Ironside is so impressed by Johnny’s moves, that he promotes him to corporal, to take the place of the black girl because she got her arm burned off by that nostril napalm. Hey, don’t make that face. She’s going to be okay, and I’m sure with a little physical therapy, she’ll be able to beat on Jake Busey with other hand in no time.

So, after a long hard day of killing CGI space spiders, Michael Ironside has a bunch of beer shipped in, yay! And a plastic neon green fiddle for the Buesy Spawn to play, not so yay!

So we end up with some drinking and some dancing, and Johnny finally realizes that Diz really loves him, and unlike Denise Richards, doesn’t have the same smile as Mr Ed. Johnny and Diz then proceed to spend the rest of the night in a futuristic puptent boning like weasels.

Everyone is in a great mood, because when was the last time something bad happened after people fell in love in a war picture? I mean besides every other one ever made?

Really, what could go wrong?

Anyway, the gang heads over to another planet, where they are supposed to find out what happened at this fort in the middle of nowhere. Well, when the guys get to the fort they find out everybody got killed.

Wait, did I say everybody? Because they find this general who is hiding in a closet {Insert Your Own Cheapest Joke Here]. The general isn’t much help, because he’s completely lost his poop. He’s going on and on about how they are all doomed, and the bugs are going to kill them all, and pretty much doing the full Bill Paxon from Aliens.

Everyone ignores sissy boy and starts digging in to defend the fort, while Diz gets busy fixing the radio to get them a ride out of there.

This is right when the bugs show up. You know, that general might be a pussy of biblical proportions, but he totally called this one, because the good guys are in deep, deep do-doo.

Oh yeah, this

To begin with there are an extra zillion bugs swarming on the good guys in this scene. Oh and just to make it even more fun, there are these flying bugs that cut people’s heads off in the most awesome way possible. As a matter of fact one of these flying bugs tries to lop off Johnny’s head, but he shoots it, and it plows into General Pussy.

We don’t spend any time concentrating on that, because Michael Ironside sees that an extra zillion bugs have shown up and even he knows they’re screwed. And, that’s bad, because you know what Freud used to say about when psychos can see that you’re completely screwed.

“Jung, get off your ass and bring me some more strudel, or I’ll tell everyone about your dream of Bismark in a corset.” Okay, Freud had nothing to say about situations like this, and the family of Karl Jung would really appreciate it, if you’d just forget about that whole corset thing too. Moving on.

Anyway, Michael Ironside tells Johnny to go check on that radio. When Johnny shows up, Diz has gotten the radio to work, but Johnny talks into it, because that’s man’s work. So Johnny squawks into the microphone and it looks like a ship will be coming to rescue them any second now.

That’s a good thing too, because the good guys have gotten pushed down off the walls of the fort and are making a last stand . This is right when the ship shows up. Yay! Well noting bad could happen here, right?

Uh, not so right. The ground opens up under Michael Ironside and those dirty bugs are trying to pull Michael Ironside under ground.

Luckily Johnny is there, and he gets into a tug of war with the bugs over Michael Ironside. The good news is Johnny wins. Wait, did I say win, because it’s really more of a tie. Johnny got all of Michael Ironside from the waist up, and the bugs got the rest. Still, it’s equal shares, so everyone should be happy, right? I mean besides Michael Ironside.

Michael Ironside isn’t taking the loss of legs, ass, reproductive organs, and lower intestinal tract very well. Which is kind of a shame, because he’s long waisted, and I really think he could pull this look off. Still Michael Ironside tells Johnny to do it, and Johnny pulls the Old Yeller on his old civics teacher.

Dude, seriously, just wear vertical stripes and nobody will notice

Still, that’s got to be all the bad stuff for this scene, right? Oh, sorry punkin, not exactly. One of those big ass bugs that shoots napalm out of its nose shows up, and it looks like everyone is screwed. Only they aren’t, because Diz tosses a grenade down the dirty bug’s throat and makes it go hooie kablooie too.

Okay, that’s not bad, in fact, it’s pretty good, but when Diz turns to run on the ship she gets stabbed through the chest, and that’s bad. The guys get Diz and everyone finally gets on the ship. Johnny tells Diz she is going to be okay, but unless he is defining her being okay, as him being able to start seeing other people soon, he’s way, way wrong on this one. Diz tells Johnny how wonderful he is, and how lucky she was to get to spend any time with him, and then drops dead.

This allows Casper Van Dien to show off his acting chops as he uses only his facial expressions to show us what he is feeling. Or, you can just fast forward through this part. It’s okay, I won’t tell Paul Verhoeven; it will be between just us.

After they shoot Diz’s body into space, Johnny and Denise Richards have a meeting with Doogie Patrick Harris, and find out the Doogie sent them down on to that planet even though he knew the bugs were setting a trap for them. Naturally Johnny and Denise Richards are a little pissed at this news, but Doogie had a hit sitcom, and reminds them to respect the talent. Doogie then tells Johnny that they are going back down on that planet, and he gives Johnny Michael Ironside’s old job.

The next day Johnny and all his buddies are down on the planet kicking alien hiney when poop starts to go sideways. Not Johnny’s poop, in this case it’s Denise Richards and Poofy Haired Asshat’s poop.

Those big ass bugs are shooting plasma up into space, and Denise Richards’s ship get’s cut in half. Sue Ellen Mischke tells everyone to abandon ship, but she ends up getting killed as does most of the rest of the crew. Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat make it off the ship before it explodes, which is a good thing, because even in the future, attractive people will be mankind’s most precious resource.

So the good news is Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat make it off the ship, and may I remind you that even if you don’t think it’s good news; it’s just polite to act like it is. Anyway, they free and clear of the ship, semi half-hearted yay, but there escape pod goes hurtling down on to the planet and crashes into the side of a mountain.

The good news, and we all don’t need another reminder on being polite, is that the mountain turns out to be hollow. of course, the reason the mountain is hollow, is that it is a giant bug colony.

So, Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat are in that most wonderful of places to be in a movie, safe, but completely screwed. Can’t you feel the dramatic tension? Hey, you were polite that time, it really is the grease that keeps the world running.

The good news there are some ground troops in the area where Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat crashed. The only thing is that unit is Johnny’s unit, and what with his girlfriend getting killed, he doesn’t want to look too desperate. Sure, he’s going to come get them , but he wants to make sure Denise Richards knows that he’s also joined a gym, and has profiles on several dating sites, where he’s found all sorts of smart, attractive women who also enjoy fine dining.

Ironically, it’s the Busey Spawn who points out that Johnny has been spending his nights sobbing uncontrollably and grinding on his pillow, and the rest of the platoon just wants him to talk to another woman, because he’s starting to make everyone very uncomfortable. And with that uncomfortable image out in play, the good guys head out to save the day.

The only problem is right when the good guys are going to make with the rescuing they hear Denise Richards and Poofy Bangs Asshat get overrun by the bugs. It looks like his ex-girlfriend is dead, so Johnny cancles the rescue mission and gets back to following orders.

The ironic thing here is Denise Richards and Poofy bangs don’t get killed. Instead this big blubbery brain bug shows up and shoves a big spike into Poofy Bangs noggin and starts sucking his brains out like a milk shake. Eventually the brain bug sucks Poofy’s tater dry, and I don’t know about you, but I’m always embarrassed at this point in the movie. I mean you know the only thing in Poofy Bang’s skull is hair gel, and is that really something we want another spieces to see?

Just what aliens are going to do with hair care tips is completely beyond me

The brain bug gets all set to do another chug-a-lug on Denise Richards but she whips out a knife and cuts off the bug’s brain chugging spike. The bug’s don’t really appreciate this and they get all set to go back to the old stand by of ripping people into little bitty pieces.

This is right when Johnny shows up with a nuke. Yeah, while Poofy Bangs was getting his brains sucked out Johnny suddenly got a feeling he knew where Denise Richards, so he, the Busey Spawn, and this guy who went on to play Carver on The Wire head out to save the day.

The brain bug is pretty smart and lets Johnny take Denise Richards, and as soon as the brain bug ducks down a passageway, we get a big kick ass cave battle. The good guys kill so many bugs they start to literally pile up in front of them. The only problem is that more and more bugs are coming, and Carver gets hurt and can’t move.

This actually works out for the best, because now Carver can stay behind and save our main characters. He kills a bunch of bugs, and then he sets off a nuke and a whole mess of of bugs get incinerated. We not only get a cool special effects, but the main characters get out of the tunnels.

When they get up top, the extras are running around celebrating. Yeah it turns out one of the major plot event of this movie happens off camera. When Johnny and Denise Richards get to where all the hub bub is happening, they find out somebody captured one of those brain bugs. Oh, and not just any somebody, but Johnny’s old drill sergeant from basic training.

Doogie Patrick Harris shows up and does a Doogie mind meld on the brain bug, and finds out the bugs are afraid of us. This is met by cheers because if the aliens are afraid of us it means we can win. Okay I don’t know how, but everyone is cheering and I don’t want to harsh their mellows.

Wow, you like show tunes too?

Johnny and Denise Richards have a little powwow with the Doogie, where we find out the Doogie sent Johnny a psychic message as to where Denise Richardson was at, and Doogie tells us we are going to win the war. Then Denise Richards starts looking at Johnny as possible boyfriend material again, because he doesn’t have a skull that can double as a planter. Everyone has a good laugh, and walks off to save humanity. The end.

There you have it, two hours of solid entertainment with all sorts of important life lessons. Like you shouldn’t drop out of going to Harvard to try to have steady sex with your girlfriend. Especially if your parents have enough juice to get you into an Ivy League school if you have a 35 on your math final. If you finally hook up with that guy you’ve always had a crush on, that’s great. Unless it happen’s in an intergalactic war, then you’ll be dead in 24 hours. Oh, and Neal Patrick Harris can bend spoons with just the power of his mind. At least that’s what I took away from this movie.

Thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.