Trashback: Extreme Cowboy Crap

Do you like action movies? Of course you do! You’re the kind of person who’s made this country what it is today.  Anyway, what’s your favorite kind of action movie? Do you like movies about bad ass military teams like in the Guns of Navarone? How about movies where Special Forces bad asses have to go to some out of the way place to kill some complete lunatic, like in Apocalypse Now? What about an action movie with an out of control drug kingpin, like in Scarface? Or maybe you just like good old fashioned cowboy movies?

Ok, are you sitting down? Good. What if I told you there was a movie that all of this good stuff in it? You’d be excited right? Me too. Maybe even soil yourself a little bit when you first heard about it? What, no? Errrrr me neither?

Anyway today’s movie has all of the above, and even a love triangle for those of you out there who need the mushy stuff in your movies. Sit down and put your dogs up because we’ve got the pu pu platter of all action movies today, the 1987 release, Extreme Prejudice.

Our movie starts at the airport, and Bruce Willis isn’t around so every one can feel safe. A bunch of random guys get off of a bunch of different planes all show up at the same time and we get to meet our bad ass undercover special forces strike team for the movie.

The casting director knew what he was doing on this movie. We’ve got the bad guy from the first Highlander movie,  and that guy from Major Dad, what? No not the guy who married Delta Burke, and no not the guy with the glasses. (By the way that was a chick) You know, the young guy with the big blocky Charlie Brown head? Yeah, that’s the one. Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds, and just so you know this is quality crap, William Forseyth, the hardest working man in crap cinema is along for the ride. Oh, and some guy I didn’t recognize from any other movies, so let’s just call him Dead Man Walking. Their fearless leader is Michael Ironside who was Jester in Top Gun, and Caspar Van Dien’s crazy civics teacher in Starshiptroopers. Once everyone shows up, Michael Ironside herds everyone out of the airport so they get busy with their super-duper hush hush top secret mission in some pisswater Texas border town.

Meanwhile Nick Nolte is a Texas Ranger, and man he lost a ton of weight between this movie and 48 Hours. I’ve got to say it’s weird watching this guy in old movies before he started looking like his mug shots all the time.

Pretty scary before and after pictures

Nick is at this seedy little bar with Rip Torn, and I have to say I love me some Rip Torn. Rip is an older sheriff, who is sort of a father figure to Nick Note in this movie, and he gives us pretty much a classic Rip Torn performance, he’s folksy, cool, and still way bad ass for a guy who probably puts a lot of thought into how much fiber he’s getting in his diet.

By the way, he was also one of the best things about The Larry Sanders’ Show too

Anyway Nick and Rip are at this bar to stop a guy who are dressed like he wandered away from a Charlie Daniels tribute band from running dope in from Mexico. Nick Nolte ends up having to kill the guy in the funny hat and it makes him sad. At least I think it does but it’s hard to tell because Nick Note shows all the emotion of a turnip in this movie, but then again he is supposed to be some sort of a cowboy, so that kind of works here.

Who the hell goes to the hat store and asks for a hat that makes their head look extra pointy?

Nick goes home to spend time with his girl friend, Maria Cochita Alonso. She’s cranky because Nick doesn’t want to talk about his busy day of ridding the world of ugly cowboy hats. At least I think that’s why she’s cranky. Then again, Maria’s accent is a little thick and her voice is deep enough to talk to whales, so I’m not real sure what she’s saying in this movie.

The next day rolls around, and all heck breaks loose.  Fried chicken places are getting blown up by cute bunnies, so Nick Nolte decides to set up a meeting with the local drug kingpin, Powers Boothe.

Oh and just to make it more interesting, Nick Nolte and Powers Boothe used to be best buddies back in the day.  And just to make it double more interesting, Maria Conchita Alonso used to be Powers Boothe number 1 sweetie. I can’t help but notice, that if anyone gets a DNA test in this movie, it will officially turn into an episode of Maury Povich.

Nick and Powers Boothe have a meeting in this field in Mexico, where they talk about old times and then Nick tells Powers he needs to give up his thriving narco business before Nicky has to break out his economy sized can of whoopass. Powers Boothe takes a pass on this incredible offer, because otherwise we’d end up with a 20 minute movie.

Smiles everyone, smiles

Also, check out the standard issue 80′s gun goons Powers Boothe had in this movie

Meanwhile our military bad asses are doing all sorts of high tech stuff all over town to get ready to rob this bank where Powers Boothe keeps all his drug money. Of course keep in mind this 1987 high tech, so it looks a little dated now. Man I don’t remember the US telecommunication system in 1987 consisting of a series of tin cans connected by string, but that’s what it sure seemed like watching this movie.

Meanwhile Nick Nolte and Rip Torn get another tip about a drug deal and head out to this gas station/bar in the middle of nowhere. Only when they get out there it isn’t a drug deal, the rest of the Charlie Daniels’ Tribute band is waiting to ambush Nick Note for killing their bass player. They don’t kill Nick Note, yea! But they do kill Rip Torn, noooooooooooo! (and that’s a super slow mo nooooooooo! because you need those in action movies.)

Hey, it does need to be said again, Noooooooooooo!

Oh man, I hope this guy and his brother got a bulk discount on those hats

After work Maria Conchita Alonso wants to talk with Nick about his day, but he’s a little tight lipped. Well, the phrase tight lipped doesn’t really do justice to Nick Nolte’s performance in this movie, because he goes through the whole thing with a look on his face like he’s got a cinder bock lodged in his colon.

We also find out Maria is a singer and as for her voice? Oh boy, you remember how that chick from Desperate Housewives talked in TransAmerica? Put music behind it, and now imagine it in Spanish. Did you just feel that? The skin crawling on the back of your neck? Yeah, textbook case of the willies.

The next day our crack military team put there super bad ass bank robbery plan into action. First they drive a big tractor trailer truck into a warehouse to make a huge hooie kablooie, Then Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds shuts down all the phones in town, and Michael Ironside wears pantyhose. On his head, you know like a mask? I’m sure he’s wearing men’s underwear under his clothes. At least I’m praying he’s wearing men’s underwear…what were we talking about again?

I mean, if they’re on his head, he can’t be wearing them on his legs, right?  Right?  Please say yes, I’m getting freaked out over here

Oh right the bank robbery! Well everything is going great until the guy from Major Dad and William Forseyth have a spin-out in their Chrysler K car and don’t get back to the bank robbery in time, so Dead Man Walking gets killed. It gets worse because they get caught by Nick Note, and when Nicky runs their fingerprints they all show up on the computer they show up as having died while serving in the army.

Nick Note is trying to figure out just how he ended up in a dang zombie movie, when Michael Ironside shows up not wearing pantyhose. On his head. I mean who knows what he’s wearing under his clothes?  Sorry, I can’t stop thinking about it now

Anyway Mikey tells Nicky that the bank robbery was all part of a top secret mission against Powers Boothe for wearing white after Labor Day.  Mikey then tells Nicky that he and his crack military team are just about to road trip it down to Mexico to take care of that pesky Powers Boothe problem once and for all, and Mikey wants to know if Nick wants to tag along. Seeing as Maria Cochita Alonso ran off with Powers Boothe before the big robbery scene, Nick gives him a big 10-4 good buddy.

If you are wondering why we put up with long lines, endless security checks, and lost luggage at the airport, then I have two words for you, the bus

Why did she do that? Well lets just say Powers Boothe speaks in complete sentences, smiles, and  seems to be having at least semi-regular bowels movements, unlike some other people in this movie, cough, Nick Note, cough

The guys get down to Mexico and the movie suddenly starts to look a whole lot like The Wild Bunch. Actually the director, Walter Hill, calls the whole movie a homage to The Wild Bunch. If you’ve never heard the word homage before, it’s French for “theft of intellectual property.”

By the way, if you like action movies and you have never seen The Wild Bunch, stop reading this post, and go find a copy of this movie; you’ll thank me later

The guys get to this hotel in the middle of nowhere, where it’s them Powers Boothe, Maria Cochita Alonso and about a zillion Mexican gunman have checked in for spring break. Mikey and his crack team of B movie actors are going to open up their cano de whoopasso, but first they decide to give Nick Nolte 15 minutes to go in and get Maria Cochita Alonso out of there before they start shooting. Why? Don’t ask me, I don’t have a friggin clue.

As Soon as Nick Note leaves to win back Maria Conchita Alonso, Michael Ironside tells everyone to shoot him when they start making with the bang bang. All of Michael Ironside’s men are pretty shocked to hear this and Michael Ironside totally comes off as a guy trying to hide something. Not that he wears women’s underwear, I’m sure it’s some completely different deep dark secret.

Nick Nolte goes into the hotel and he and Powers Boothe decide to have a gun fight because gosh darn it that’s what people do in cowboy movies.

This is right when our bad ass strike team start shooting the poop out of the hotel. Well actually they start shooting at each other. The bad guy from Highlander finds out Michael Ironside’s deep dark secret, and no it does not involve french cut panties. It turns out Mikey has been partners with Powers Boothe all along and wants to kill him to cover his tracks. The bad guy from Highlander responds to this plot point by spraying the room with automatic gunfire and the next thing you know everyone in the movie is shooting at everyone else in super slow mo. You know, I don’t have a single problem with this scene.

Oh, this shot has my vote for best Popeye face of the movie

All the military guys get killed in super slow mo, along with a good 3/4 of the gillion Mexican gunman, and when the shooting is all over Nick Note and Maria Cochita Alonso decide that as far as all inclusive resorts go this place blows goats big time, so they are going to bag it and head for home.

Not so fast young lovers, because Powers Boothe shows up with that last 1/4 gillion of the Mexican gunman, and gosh darn it Powers Boothe is going to get that gunfight he was promised earlier. So he and Nick Note square off.

Hmmm I wonder who is going to win? On the one hand, we’ve got Nick Note, who is the good guy, and wears boot cut wranglers and a white hat. On the other hand we’ve got Powers Boothe who looks like he started sweating 80 proof scotch before his tenth birthday, is wearing Ricardo Montablan’s old suit from Fantasy Island that he found in a dumpster, and oh snap, he’s got a white hat too! Sorry the line in Vegas on this one just droped to “pick em.”

Actually it isn’t even close. Nick Nolte shoots Powers Boothe, and then he shoots him a few more times because apparently the “eight for flinching rule” was in effect.

But he was wearing a white hat!?

The head Mexican gunman lets Nicky and Maria Cochita Alonso go, mainly to keep her from singing again, and after he takes Powers Boothe’s white hat announces he is the new big Mexican drug kingpin. Awwwww, isn’t it always great to see someone better themselves? He never would have been able to do it without that degree from DeVry’s.  The End.

There you have 96 minutes of cinema action guaranteed to feed whatever your specific action jones is, so as always, we have to ask ourselves, what did we learn? Well Charlie Daniels’ Tribute bands get pretty cranky if you make a whiz run during The Devil Went Down to Georgia, or if you try to break up their dope smuggling operation. If you and your best friend from high school ever get into a dispute over a pretty tone deaf girl, and  one of you is flooding the Southwest United States with drugs, your problems can best be solved through peaceful mediation. And by peaceful mediation, I mean you and your old buddy blazing away at each other from a distance of about 10 feet with large caliber handguns until one of you is a bullet riddled corpse. Oh and finally, even if someone may feel most free and comfortable while wearing women’s undergarments, it doesn’t mean he can’t be a fully functional rouge government shadow warrior helping Power’s Boothe to destroy America with Bolivian Army Marching Powder. Yes, that’s right Michael Ironside, we fully support your right to wear a thong. This is a movie of empowerment for us all, you should take a peek.

Thanks for stopping by, we’ll talk again soon.