Trashback: Iron Man 2

Hey there Gasmi, it’s April and this means that I only have a couple of months to watch all the movies I didn’t watch last summer, because I decided to foolishly blow my money on food and shelter. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a lot of ground to cover to keep from being a year behind on mindless entertainment.

I mean it sounds like a good summer for movies this year. Did you know a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is coming out? It’s going to be called Pirates of the Caribbean: What the Hell Is Penelope Cruz saying? Just kidding, that’s not what the movie is going to be called, but trust me you will be thinking that at least once while you are watching it.

Anyway, this gives me a perfect excuse to park it on my couch and catch up with popular culture that goes boom. So pull up a seat and lets talk about one of the quality boomers of last Summer, Iron Man 2.

By the way, if you never saw the first movie, here’s a recap of the plot. Robert Downy Jr makes a flying metal suit, and kicks serious ass, the end. Wow, I guess we really will watch anything in the Summer, as long as there is violence on the screen and it’s in an air conditioned theater, huh?

Here’s all you need to remember about that movie. Robert Downey Jr has this electric gizmo around his heart to keep a bunch of metal fragments from getting in there and killing him. Robert Downey Jr is also super rich, and is in love with his secretary, Gweneth Partlow. Please note this does not stop him from bonking skanky chicks, because this story was originally pitched to 13-year-old boys. Finally, it turned out that the big super villain in the movie was Jeff Bridges, but we shouldn’t have been surprised; the guy was bald and liked his job. All of the signs were there.

So after Robert Downey Jr whooped up on Jeff Bridges at the end of the third act, he saved Gweneth Partlow, and everybody lived happily ever after. Well at least until they could gin up a script for a sequel. I mean could you blame them? How were they going to come up with a better idea then a guy flying around in a metal suit kicking ass? If anyone thinks that Hollywood isn’t behind global warming, then they are out of their tiny minds.

Okay, so on to the movie we are actually talking about today. The movie starts with Robert Downey Jr wearing his Iron Man suit and jumping out of the back of a cargo plane. It looks like we are going to war with somebody. Oh please let it be Finland. Make us look bad on the international math tests? How about a super wedgie courtesy of a guy in a flying metal suit?

Sadly we aren’t at war with anybody, because when Robert Downey Jr lands, he’s on a stage and surrounded by a bunch of dancing girls who have flashlights pushed into their cleavage, and no I am not making that last part up.

By the way, if you started taking dance lessons when you were four, tap lessons when you were six, and ballet lessons when you were eight, that will entitle you to fork over ten bucks to watch The Black Swan and sob quietly in your seat. If you have hair extensions, and boobs big enough to mount a flashlight on, then you are well on your way to putting “professional dancer” on the occupation space of your 1040. Those last two sentences were brought to you by the fine folks at Life Is So Unfair. But I digress.

We find out that Robert Downey Jr is having like his own World’s Fair for high tech stuff, because everything in the world is perfect since he started wearing a cast iron leisure suit.

Did I say the whole world was perfect? Because things are looking pretty sucky in this very affordable apartment in Moscow that we cut to. Some old guy is coughing up a lung and muttering about how Robert Downey Jr’s dad is, or rather was, a big time crook.

The old guy’s son comes over, and hey, it’s Mickey Rourke. So I guess Mickey Rourke is Russian in this movie. I mean that would explain the subtitles they have when he talks.

Then again, as interesting an actor that Mickey Rourke is, he’s never been in the running for the best enunciator Oscar. For all I know, he’s from Fiji in this picture. However, he keeps calling Coughy Hack-up-a-lung papa, so we are going to go with him being a Ruskie.

Russian Daddy Mickey Rourke is taking time out of his coughing fit to keep bitching at the TV how Robert Downey Jr and his dad totally gypped Mickey Rourke out of his birthright.

Mickey Rourke is trying to get his dad to drink a glass of vodka (or as I like to think of it, Russian Robitussin), and telling the old coot everything to be okay. If by everything being okay, Mickey Rourke meant that after almost half of century that he would finally be able to bring a date home without them getting creeped out by the one man TB ward he shared his apartment with then he so on target it’s scary.

Anyway Mickey Rourke’s popski shuffles off this mortal coil Then as the Now It’s Personal music begins to play Mickey Rourke pulls out some old blueprints that not only have his papa’s name on them, but Robert Downey Jr’s dad’s name too. We cut away as Mickey Rourke gets to tinkering.

We cut back to Robert Downey Jr backstage at his brainapalooza, and the camera is way jittery to show how he is like a rock star now. He also has this litle gizmo that tells him his body toxicity is at 20%, and all I have to say is that if he’s shooting for Keith Richards that seems awfully low.

Robert Downey Jr hooks up with his driver, and it’s the movie’s director, Jon Favreau. Jon Favreau always likes to give himself small parts in the movies he directs. He’s kind of like Hitchcock. Only with way more back hair.

you’re so money Alfie and you don’t even know it

So after a few awkward cameos, Robert Downey Jr and Jon Favreau make it down to their car, and of course there is this totally hot chick waiting for them. Robert Downey Jr starts flirting up a storm, because he likes the ladies.

You know, flirting is a lot like soccer. When you do it, it’s fun and pretty good exercise. However, when you have to watch other people do it, it immediately becomes almost unbearable to watch, and you start thinking maybe it is time that you get in your bathroom and give your toilet a serious scrubbing. My bathroom sparkled during the last World Cup. Shoot, I’m losing my train of thought again.

The hot chick seems fairly receptive to Robert Downey Jr, but actually she is just there to give him a subpoena to appear at some congressional committee in Washington.

Robert Downey Jr is pretty irked that he broke out the suave and debonair for nothing, and he decides that he and Jon-Jon are going to speed all the way down to DC, and keep their right turn blinker on for the entire trip. Fight the power Bobby, fight the power.

When we cut over to the committee in DC we find out that Gary Shandling is running the show, and the dude is looking seriously prosperous. I mean it looks like his residual checks for the Larry Sanders show were so big he was able to corner the market on Pringles potato chips. Woof. Well that or he ate Jeffrey Tambor, has anyone seen that guy lately?

If that collar gets any tighter this is going to turn into that scene in Scanners

So Gary Shandling is the head of the committee, and surprisingly it is not conducting a hard hitting investigation into whether America is going to eat its fat. It turns out that that Gary Shandling thinks that maybe letting Robert Downey Jr be in charge of the most kick ass weapon in the world may not be the best idea that has come down the pipe.

Robert Downey Jr doesn’t seem to be very concerned with Gary Shandling’s opinion, and politely suggests that Gary take this matter up with Robert Downey Jr’s attorney, Haywood Jablome.

Too bad for Robert Downey Jr because Gary Shandling can’t seem to take a hint. Of course it helps to say that name out loud to get the whole effect, but Gary Shandling just moves on to his next dick move.

Enter stage left Don Cheadle. Don Cheadle is Robert Downey Jr’s best friend in the movie. Last movie Don Cheadle was Terrence Howard, but in this movie he’s Don Cheadle, and with the exception of Terrence Howard everyone seems to think this is trading up.

Anyway, Don Cheadle is in the Air Force and has written a big report on Robert Downey Jr that Gary Shandling wants him to read for the committee. Well sort of. Gary Shandling doesn’t want Don Cheadle to read his whole report. Only certain parts of it, like every 12th word, because then it says something completely different then Don Cheadle meant it to.

It says, “Are we really going to trust our national security to Robert Downey Jr? Did you not watch a single episode of Entertainment Tonight in the 90’s? And have you seen Mary Hart lately? She used to be so pretty. It just breaks your heart.”

It’s selective as hell, but Robert Downey Jr can’t really say anything, because have you seen Mary Hart lately?

Gary Shandling senses he’s on a roll, and brings out Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell is like Robert Downey Jr.’s main competition when it comes to selling weapons, and indulges in one of the great acts of passive aggression seen on screen in a long, long time. He pretty much says he doesn’t know if Robert Downey Jr molests household pets, but he sleeps a lot better since he got his hamsters fitted for chasity belts.

Gary Shandling then  says that all the bad countries are working on Iron Man suits, so Robert Downey Jr should turn his suit over to the government. This is when Robert Downey Jr uses his smart phone to take over Gary Shandling’s flat screen TV and shows a bunch of clips of those countries Iron Man suits going all hooie kablooie. Yeah, that Make Gary Shandling Look Like a Dick app always looks expensive, but trust me you are glad you have it when you need it.

Robert Downey Jr then tells everyone that nobody is going to have a suit like his for 20 years, and the government can have his Iron Man suit when they pry it off of his cold dead butt. Okay he doesn’t say that, because quite frankly the image is pretty disturbing, but he’s through talking.

This is a good thing, because Gary Shandling has reached the point in the argument where he starts lobbing F-bombs in the place of facts. In my family we call this point dessert, which may explain why I think of cake whenever people swear at me. I was hungry for almost my entire time in the Army. We were talking about a movie, right?

Okay that scene is over, now who’s hungry for exposition? If you keep making that face a bird is going to come and build a nest on your lower lip, and you are aware of how much birds poop right? I mean nobody ever says “constipated like a duck.”

It turns out that gizmo in Robert Downey Jr’s chest that keeps those metal fragments from shedding his heart is on the fritz. Well, it’s not so much on the fritz as suffers from a teenzy design flaw. It turns out that the very rare element that powers the gizmo is not only slowly poisoning Robert Downey Jr.,but it also is giving him a rash that looks like an ever expanding super tacky tribal tattoo.

This means that Robert Downey Jr. can either turn off his gizmo and die of a shredded heart, or he can keep it on and not only die of very rare element poisoning in three months, but it will look like somebody sewed an Ed Hardy tee-shirt to his body. This is the textbook definition of a bummer.

Naturally Robert Downey Jr doesn’t tell anyone about this, because he luvvvvvvs surprises. I mean it makes the plot more interesting if nobody knows he’s dying. No, wait, he doesn’t want anybody to worry. That’s it, I’m going with that third one.

Gweneth Partlow then shows up to bitch at Robert Downey Jr. for how much his brainapalooza is costing the company. Robert Downey Jr interupts her to tell her that he is making her the CEO of the company.

Don’t get me wrong, Gweneth Partlow is smart as a whip in this movie, but she just got promoted from personal assistant to CEO. Personally, I would love to see the deleted scene from the movie where all of the employees of Stark Enterprises who took out student loans to pay for MBAs started pounding their heads on their desks when that companywide email went out.

So now that Gweneth Partlow is running the company that means that Robert Downey Jr needs a new personal assistant. I mean you can’t expect someone to secretly drop dead without somebody to keep their day planner from blowing up.

Enter Scarlett Johansson, stage right. In the movie Scarlett Johansson has just started working in the HR department, and just happens to show up with Gweneth Partlow one day, and gets that personal assistant job. Well she gets the job after he jumps up in the air, wraps her legs around Jon Favreau’s neck, flips him on to his back, and begins to choke the life out of him with her oh so supple thighs. I bet all those other applicants who learned Excel are really kicking themselves right now.

It’s so nice to see an attractive person finally catch a break in the hiring process

Now that we’ve all learned a new trick to break out at our next job interview, we get to watch Robert Downey Jr, and the gang head off to Europe for some Formula-1 race. Why? Well, like they always say, when the going gets tough, the tough go to Monaco. They in this case would be The Chamber of Commerce for Monaco.

This turns out to be a real chore for Robert Downey Jr, because Sam Rockwell is at the race, and it looks like they will be watching the race together. Well, they would have been watching the race together, but Robert Downey Jr decides to drive his own car. They never flat out say it in the movie, but Sam Rockwell’s character must fart. A lot.

Gweneth Partlow poops a tastefully decorated bundt cake, when she sees that Robert Downey Jr is taking his race car out for a spin. She seems to think this is the worst thing that could happen in this situation, and this is why she will never have to worry about winning an Oscar for best screenplay.

Do you remember Mickey Rourke? I don’t mean in real life. I mean in the movie? You know, he’s Russian, and was in, well, Russia?

Of course you do, you’re the smart one in this conversation. Anyway, he’s hasn’t just been twiddling his thumbs since his dad croaked on the couch. While we were spending all that time with Robert Downey Jr, Mickey was doing some serious montaging. He spent a lot of time in his apartment making a little power gizmo like Robert Dowey Jr has to power his Iron Man suit.

This is really an impressive trick, especially when you consider that Mickey Rourke’s apartment looks like if you turn on more then one 20 watt light bulb at a time, that the entire building would go up like a Roman candle. Note to self, If I ever get surround sound for my TV, have Mickey Rourke set it up.

Anyway, Mickey Rourke appears to be done with his tinkering and has just happened to show up in Monaco at the same time that Robert Downey is there.

Mickey Rourke is wearing a hard hat and an orange jumpsuit. Well that’s what he is wearing when he steps on to the race track. As Mickey Rourke strolls out into the middle of the racetrack, he flips a switch on his gizmo, and the top of his jumpsuit disintegrates. Now Mickey Rourke is wearing a metal harness like you would see on a German non-work appropriate website, and orange MC Hammer pants. It’s not a look I would go with, but it would probably win on just about any episode of Project Runway.

Oh, and Mickey’s Gizmo is hooked up to these big metal whips that shoot electricity, and he is using them to slice race cars in half.

Well now Gweneth Partlow has gone straight to code red, and she has Jon Favreau drive her around the race course in the wrong direction so they can give Robert Downey Jr his Iron Man suit. I think it goes without saying, but you do not want to run Gweneth Partlow in the red. Not if you’re a fan of logical thought anyway.

So what has happened to Robert Downey Jr while Gweneth Partlow and Jon Favreau treat a grand prix like a hacked version of Mario Cart?

Well he’s run into Mickey Rourke and wouldn’t you know it; Mickey Rourke cut Robert Downey Jr’s race car in two.

And here is where we come to the one real drawback of metal flying suits. If you aren’t wearing one, you are incredibly non-super heroish. Also, it’s practically impossible to get a movie deal for a film called Soft Man.

Luckily for us in the audience, Robert Downey Jr doesn’t waste this valuable screen time, and he proceeds to put on a clinic on the lost art of cringing behind shit while a guy tries to chop you up with super electric whips.

Right when it looks like Robert Downey Jr is heading for the big action movie in the sky, Jon Favreau and Gweneth Partlow show up and ram Mickey Rourke with their car, pinning him against a fence. Everyone starts cracking wise, because you wouldn’t want to waste the humor potential that comes when you have just plowed into another human being with your car. Unless of course you are Halle Berry, and then you just drive away as fast as you can.

Everyone is feeling pretty good right now, and you know who else is feeling pretty good? Mickey Rourke. Yep he fires up his electric whips and starts wailing on Robert Downey Jr’s Rolls again.

I really can’t help but feel that this movie’s producers are sending a horrible message to the youth of America in this scene. Kids, despite what see you see Mickey Rourke doing in this scene, a distended gut will not cause luxury cars to bounce off you. It can however be used a TV tray when you are watching action movies, and do you really need it to do anything else?

Somebody yell cut, he’s starting to turn blue

Anyway, Mickey Rourke starts cutting another one of Robert Downey Jr’s cars into its component parts, and eventually he cuts enough of it off so Gweneth Parlow can hand Robert Downey Jr the briefcase that when he stands on it turns into his Iron Man suit. (Don’t ask)

Once Robert Downey Jr suits up, things rapidly get under control. Robert Downey Jr pulls that little power gizmo off of Mickey Rourke’s harness, and we don’t have to worry about Mickey Rourke doing any more car whittling.

We cut to the jail and the cops are letting Robert Downey Jr talk to Mickey Rourke alone, because it advances the plot. I mean because Robert Downey Jr is lron Man?

Anyway, first Robert Downey Jr tells Mickey Rourke all the mistakes he made with his whip harness. Well not all of them, because he doesn’t mention the orange pants he paired with it.

Robert Downey Jr thinks that Mickey Rourke was somehow able to reverse engineer RDJ’s Iron Man suit, but wonders why Mickey didn’t sell it to some bad guy country. Mickey Rourke says something about Robert Downey Jr being in a family of thieves. This exasperates Robert Downey Jr, and he says he has no idea what Mickey Rourke is saying. Welcome to the club Bobby.

Now that the super villain is locked up, we can get down to what this movie is really about. Robert Downey Jr learning that he is dying of heart disease, and getting Bette Milder to raise his daughter. Oh wait, that’s Beaches. Wow, take away the metal suit, and they are pretty much the exact same movie, huh?

Luckily for the plot, Mickey Rourke is able to escape from jail, and all it takes are some exploding mashed potatoes, a Mickey Rourke lookalike, Mickey Rourke twisting a guard’s head to the Linda Blair position, some crooked guards putting a sack over Mickey Rourke’s head, and a van.

What? No, the Mickey Rourke lookalike was not Elsa from Real Housewives of Miami. That’s just mean. I’m not sure who it’s mean to, but I know it’s mean.

I’m a nuclear physicist…and also a witch

Anyway, the crooked prison guards kick Mickey Rourke out of the van, and it turns out he is in an airplane hanger with Sam Rockwell, and Sam Rockwell desperately wants to make friends. Sam Rockwell has pulled out all the stops to woo Mickey Rourke, and he has a string quartet, salmon, and organic ice cream. Sam Rockwell obviously isn’t wooing me, or he would have a comb for Mickey Rourke. It just sucks not being the target audience.

hey, later we’re going to have twister and break dancing and everything

Sam Rockwell makes Mickey Rourke a proposition. How about the Mickster makes Sam Rockwell some Iron Man knock off suits that Sam Rockwell can peddle to Uncle Sammy, and Sam Rockwell is willing to bet it will totally cheese off Robert Downey Jr. Ah, spite, it’s so much better then stock options.

Mickey Rourke jumps at this offer, and Sam Rockwell is feeling pretty good righ now, because he didn’t even have to throw in any magic beans to seal the deal. Once Mickey Rourke finishes his fish, he and Sam Rockwell head back to the US of A to get up to no good.

When we check back in with the good guys, things are kind of going downhill. Robert Downey Jr is dealing with his impending death, by throwing a big party and inviting over a bunch of Hollywood leach types as he piddles in his Iron Man suit.

Don Cheadle shows up, and gets to watch as a poopfaced Robert Downey Jr. blow up a watermelon with his Iron Man suit. Don Cheadle is pretty pissed, because he’s been telling everyone in the government that Robert Downey Jr is completely trustworthy, and a watermelon? Even if that isn’t anything racial about that, it still brings up painful memories of Gallager, so we move directly to go time.

Don Cheadle goes and gets in another Iron Man suit, chases out the Hollywood leaches, and then sits Robert Downey Jr down for a quiet and very personal intervention about his self-destructive behavior lately. Just kidding, he totally starts wailing on Robert Downey Jr.

I don’t have a problem with what Don Cheadle is doing, because I’ve been watching action movies for a very long time, and know that when one man is concerned that another man is in trouble, the best way to show this concern is by going upside that mofo’s head.

Don Cheadle and Robert Downey Jr have a very productive session of sharing their feelings. Translation, they completely trash Robert Downey Jr’s house, and shoot each other with these repulsor beams that are in the Iron Man suit’s hands, and make a super explosion that would have killed them if that weren’t wearng Iron Man suits.

Don Cheadle announces that he is keeping his Iron Man suit and that he is very disapointed in Robert Downey Jr’s behavior. This completely demoralizes Robert Downey Jr, because now he’s dying, his friend is pissed at him, and tomorrow he going to have to try to convince his All State agent that termites did all this damage to his house.

Robert Downey Jr handles all of these depressing events the way anyone would, by flying off in his Iron Man Suit to sit on top of a giant donut sign in downtown LA. It’s called a cry for help people.

Enter Samuel L Jackson stage right, because why the hell not? Samuel L Jackson is a guy called Nick Fury who just happens to look and act exactly like Samuel L Jackson. Oh, and he wears an eye patch.

What ain’t no flying metal suit I ever heard of

Samuel L. Jackson runs an organization called S.H.I.E.L.D., which I’m sure means something , but we’re not going to get into that. This is the point in the recap where you look gratefully at the screen. And you’re very welcome.

Samuel L. Jackson has shown up force feed us exposition like a farmer feeding a duck who’s got a hankering for foie gras. It turns out that Samuel L Jackson knows all about Robert Downey Jr dying of that bad tribal tattoo, and has this stuff that won’t cure Robert Downey Jr, but will keep him alive long enough to get this movie into the third act.

Samuel L Jackson proceeds to give Robert Downey Jr the complete low down on Mickey Rourke. It turns out Mickey Rourke’s dad was like this super brilliant commie scientist who defected to the US and ended up working with Robert Downey Jr’s dad, and they invented some energy gizmo that was super powerful, but could be used as a doomsday device.

Commie dad didn’t care about that and just wanted to make some money off of their new doodad. This makes sense because the central theme of Das Kapital was you gots to get paid.

Robert Downey Jr’s dad got commie dad deported back to Russia, and they weren’t very good sports about his little vakay to The Land of the good Cheeseburgers. Commie Dad then won a trip to fabulous Siberia, and this is where Mickey Rourke enters the picture.

Mickey Rourke grows up and becomes a brilliant physicist. No, really, it’s right in the script. Too bad Mickey Rourke ended up sending nuclear material to rouge nations, and that’s why he ended up in prision, and why he looks like Mickey Rourke. Well it’s as good as a reason as the screenwriter could come up with, and that’s good enough for us.

This is when Scarlett Johansson enters stage right in a cat suit. It turns out that Scarlett Johannson works for Samuel L Jackson and she has been keeping an eye on Robert Downey Jr. Well, that certainly sounds a lot less offensive to women then the producers were looking at the dailies and said, how can we get Scarlett Johansson into a sexier outfit? Anyway, Scarlett Johannson is a super secret agent, and she does look great in a cat suit.

Samuel L Jackson also brings up Robert Downey Jr’s dad, and Robert Downey Jr gets super cranky because his dad was super unloving, and didn’t even get him a carton of smokes for Christmas one year.

Samuel L Jackson gives Robert Downey Jr this movie his dad made when he was having his brainapalooza back in the 70’s, and tells Robert downey Jr that if he keeps screwing around, he’ll kill him.

Okay, Samuel L Jackson is obviously a student of the Ike Turner school of management. Robert Downey Jr heads back home, and watches his dad’s home movie, because he knows Samuel L Jackson loves him, but sometimes he gets a little cranky because he cares so much.

Robert Downey Jr finds out his dad’s home movie is kind of like a blooper reel from his expo. There are a lot of clips of his dad flubbing his lines, getting progressively more blotto, and then right at the end telling Robert Downey Jr that he thinks he is a special little guy, and that he knows Bobby can save the world. He also moons the camera, but it’s still kind of touching because he doesn’t do both things at the same time.

And that’s all it takes. Robert Downey Jr knows his dead dad loves him, and is ready to stop dropping dead. This scene is a tribute to the healing power of liquor and video recorders. Or the suspension of disbelief. Either way, our movie back on track.

Robert Downey Jr is in such a good mood that he stops by to let Gweneth Partlow know why he’s been such a Boozy Ben lately. He even stops by a roadside stand, and buys her some fresh strawberries, how thoughtful.

The only problem is Gweneth Partlow is allergic to strawberries, and has told Robert Downey Jr this about a thousand times. Whoops. This is why you should always make up for taking Gweneth Partlow for granted for years and years with a Target giftcard. Also it’s lot of fun to watch her try to find a soothing $967 dollar silk jacket in the women’s clothing section.

The least you could have done was get me a wood burning pizza oven for my garden

Gweneth Partlow decides she’s had all of Robert Downey Jr’s attempts at food poisoning that is going to take, so she boots him out of her office. Oh, and she makes him take this big model of his dad’s brainapalooza pavilion with him.

Robert Downey Jr heads home, and gets to working on inventing that element that will power his magnet gizmo, and not poison him. It’s a super hard job, and this means we have to watch a short montage of Robert Downey Jr boning at new element inventing.

Finally, after almost an entire minute, Robert Downey Jr is ready to pack it in. This is right when he notices that his dad’s model also shows the atomic structure of that new element he needs. and before you can say deus ex machina, Robert Downey Jr has invented a brand spanking new element which we will call phonybaloneyium.

So now that Robert Downey Jr isn’t going to die anymore, can we call it a movie and switch over to Judge Judy? No such luck, because Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell have been some busy little bad guys while we were all caught up in the quest for phony baloneyium.

It turns out that Mickey Rourke took Sam Rockwell’s no worky Iron Man suits turned into robots. Sam Rockwell isn’t very happy to hear this because he was all set to be Uncle Sam’s go to metal suit tailor. Mickey Rorke highhats him, but the poop doesn’t really hit the fan untill Sam Rockwell wants to show off his new robots at Robert Downey Jr’s brainapalooza, and Mickey Rourke tells him all the robots can do is salute. A weapon system that isn’t ready on time? Has that ever happened before?

The good news for Sam Rockwell is that when Don Cheadle took one of Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man suits, the government let Sam Rockwell stick a bunch of guns and rockets on it, and this is what Sam Rockwell is showing off as his new invention.

Hmm, you know I put a new air freshener in my car yesterday. I guess that means I invented the 1988 Honda Accord. If America is ready for a car with a broken air conditioner and a radio that only gets AM stations, I am going to clean up.

Still Sam Rockwell is pretty steamed so he takes away Mickey Rourke’s shoes and leaves him with two goons while he exits stage left telling Mickey Rourke he is going to get a good talking to when Sam Rockwell gets back. That is the one problem with getting a criminal genius to run your R&D department; they need a lot of direct supervision.

Oh, and in Mickey Rourke’s case they also have a tendency to twist your goons necks all the way around and start making phone calls. Mickey Rourke gets on the phone and calls up Robert Downey Jr to let him know that not only did Mickey Rourke survive his exploding mashed potatoes, but that he is going to get up to some super villainy as soon as he gets off the phone.

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Mickey Rourke hangs up before Robert Downey Jr can finish tracing his phone call, but Robert Downey Jr. does find out that Mickey Rourke is calling from a place close to the brainapalooza, so he suits up, and we get the last big action sequence of movie up and running.

So Robert Downey Jr jets out to the brainapalooza to confront Sam Rockwell. Strangely Robert Downey Jr doesn’t want to know why Don Cheadle is standing there in his Iron Man suit with a little green felt pine tree around his neck. He just wants to know where Mickey Rourke is at.

Sam Rockwell says he has no idea where Mickey Rourke is, and that he also just invented the cotton gin, Tang, and static electricity.

Before Robert Downey Jr can ask Sam Rockwell just what is behind his apparent feud with reality, all of those robots that are only supposed to be able to salute kick into action, and start trying to kill him.

Yep, it turns out that the only reason Mickey Rourke called Robert Downey Jr was to lure him into this trap. This is because Mickey Rourke is all about plans within plans. And bad elective surgery. And poorly thought out tattoos. But mainly he’s all about the master strategy. Quit looking at me like that, I didn’t write the screenplay; I’m just spoiling all the good parts in this recap.

The face of strategery in 2010

So Robert Downey Jr flees for his life, and it gets better, because Mickey Rourke also figured out how take control of Don Cheadle’s Iron Man suit, and he’s trying to blow Robert Downey Jr up too.

The good news is Don Cheedle is able to use his radio to tell Robert Downey Jr things like, “I’m right on your tail,” or “My heat seeker has you locked up,” or “you better break right buddy, I’m about to launch my missile.” In short he says pretty much the set up to every joke in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry 2: Gay Panic Forever!

So Robert Downey Jr is zipping around and trying not to get blown up, and that means that Gweneth Partlow is going to have to save his bacon. She gets Sam Rockwell to spill the beans as to where he’s storing Mickey Rourke, and Scarlett Johansson and Jon Favreau exit stage left.

Jon Favreau drives Scarlett Johansson across town, and she gets into her catsuit, because it’s about to be clobbering time.

When they get to that secret research lab, Jon Favreau goes in first, because he’s the one packing a penis, and he promptly gets into a tussle with one of the goons. It takes Jon Favreau all of the scene to take out that one guy, and he has to go Tyson on the guy and chomp on his ear to take him down.

Meanwhile, Scarlett Johansson has taken out all the rest of the goons by strangling them with her legs, and sliding on the floor about five times so the camera can check out her cleavage. Not that there is anything the matter with that.

With the goons out of the way, Scarlett and Favreau get to Mickey Rourke’s room, and SHAZAM! He’s gone. The only good thing that comes out of this scene is that Scarlett Johannson is able to give Don Cheadle control of his Iron Man suit again. Oh and I mentioned her cleavage, right?

Anyway, Robert Downey Jr and Don Cheadle team up to take on the rest of those robots, and they kick serious titanium butt.

Boom, done. Wow, that was awfully easy for the climax of the movie. Oh crap, we’re not done yet, and enter Mickey Rourke stage right. Do you remember how at the end of the first act how Robert Downey Jr told Mickey Rourke all the mistakes he made on his whip harness? Well, Mickey Rourke paid really close attention to what Robert Downey Jr had to say, and is now in a iron suit that totally kicks ass. Just a word of advice to Robert Downey Jr for the next Iron Man movie, save the lessons learned critiques for the epilogue.

Mickey Rourke opens up the whoop ass can on Robert Downey Jr, and Don Cheadle. In fact it gets so bad it looks like they are both going to be goners, and everyone who brought their kids to this movie will have to explain why sometimes evil just smacks good like those trailerwives on Cops. Man, that’s going to sell a mess of Happy Meals.

Not to worry, because at the very last second Don Cheadle and Robert Downey Jr shoot their replusor beams at each other and make a super duper explosion. Oh, and just for the record, yes, they just completely ripped off the crossing the streams bit from Ghostbusters. Well the theft of intellectual property is the most sincerest form of flattery.

There is a big super kaboom, and Mickey Rourke ends up on his last legs. In fact he has just enough time to let Robert Downey Jr know that the heads of all of those saluting robots were also bombs, so the brainapalooza is about to get seriously hooied kablooied.

Crap, Robert Downey Jr has to go zipping off to get Gweneth Partlow, because even though everyone else has fled in panic like 20 minutes ago, Gwenie is still wandering around wondering why all those robot heads are blinking. It turns out that Robert Downey Jr is like a champion zipper, and scoops up Gweneth Partlow right before a huge CGI explosion and flies her to safety. They head off to a hill to get in that big romantic kiss the producers hope will be a payoff to all the women who had to let their boyfriends and husbands choose the movie this time, and, the end?

No, of course not. Robert Downey Jr has to have a meeting with Samuel L Jackson where Robert Downey Jr finds out that he isn’t going to get to be an agent in Samuel L Jackson’s secret organization, but he might have to make cameos in later Marvel comic book movies. Finally, Robert Downey Jr, and Don Cheadle get medals from Gary Shandling for saving everyone from Mickey Rourke, and Gary Shandling makes a joke that involves the word “prick.” The End.

There you have it, one of the best movies of last Summer just chock full of valuable every day lessons. Like how you should never underestimate the Machiavellian wit of Mickey Rourke, or that in this tight job market, your best chance to get a high paying personal assistant job may be proving that you can choke the life out of Jon Favreau. and most importantly, that peeing in your Iron Man suit will be going right to the top of your permanent record. At least that’s what I took away from this movie. You should check it out, it’s a keeper.