Trashback: Jail Bait Crap

Hey there Gasmii, you know one the great thing about crap movies is the way one movie can lead you to another one.  Some times it’s watching a direct sequel like  when we watch Gary Busey dress like a baked potato in Predator 2 because we had so much fun watching Predator, the best movie of all time about state governors fighting space aliens in Central America. Sometimes it’s because they’re the same type of movies, watching the first Hulk movie and seeing that all Nick Nolte Needs these days to scare small children and certain midle aged men (namely me), is to skip a trip to makeup makes you want to watch Ghost Rider, because, well because they set Nicolas Cage’s head on fire; do you really need anything else to be entertained?

Now the simplest and most direct way crap movie choices can build on what you watched before is you see one of the actors in a movie being bad in the best sense of the word, and it makes you want, no need to check out another listing in their resume to get some more of that quality crap goodness.  This is the reason we are using this week, and it’s why we are going from a movie where attractive knuckleheads, and Jake Busey, try to save humanity from giant alien CGI space spiders, to to a movie where attractive knuckleheads screw up a high school car wash, attempt to frame the guy from Something About Mary, only he’s in on it, Kevin Bacon tries to save a former Mrs Charlie Sheen by shooting her in chest twice, and then what’s left of the cast goes on the worst boat ride ever.  Oh and Bill Murray is in this one, so yay!  That’s right my trashy friends we’re spending some quality time with quality crap this week in the 1998 release Wild Things.  Enough talking, let’s get to the good stuff.

Our movie starts at Blue Bay High School, a high powered Richie Rich high school where the best educator is…Matt Dillon?  Oooookay, if Matt is the most kick ass molder of young minds in this particular neighborhood, then I think it goes without saying that this school must have the best Slurpee machine operator program in the state.

Matt Dillon must be smart, note the corrective eye ware

No time to talk though, because Matt Dillon has organized an assembly that will be very important to the plot.  It’s about sex crimes.  What constitutes a sex crime, what to do if a sex crime happens to you, and the possible framing of faculty members who also appeared in Rumble Fish.

Matt Dillon even pulled out all the stops, and brought in Kevin Bacon, local sex crimes cop, and his partner, a very nice woman who must have pissed off the makeup people something fierce for them to give her a hairstyle in this movie that exposes acres and acres of forehead.

Lots of women have hairlines that start near the tops of their skulls.  They’re called middle aged men

All the students are super exited by this.  Okay, not really.  Denise Richards had gotten a seat right up near the stage so she can relentlessly eye hump Matt Dillon and act like a total bitch.  (This just in, “she’s not acting.”  Thank you Charlie Sheen for that much needed info.  Now please stay at least 500 feet away from this pretend high school.)

At least Denise Richards hangs around for the presentation.  As soon as Neve Campbell sees Kevin Bacon, she calls him an a-hole, gives everyone the bird, and storms out of the auditorium.  Oh wow Neve, was Quicksilver really that bad? Oh wait, yes it was.  Wait, I’ll go with you.

We move ahead to later that day.  Matt Dillon is finishing up his sailing class, which when global warming finally kicks in will be way more useful then geometry.  This is right when Denise Richards shows up and asks Matt Dillon for a ride home, and for some hot sex that would completely destroy his life.

You know, Matt Dillon may have been in a Night at McCool’s, but he’s got enough common sense to offer a ride home to Jimmy, a kid from his sailing class, who is so fashion forward that he is sporting the Simple Jack haircut from Tropic Thunder ten years before the movie came out.

You ma-ma-ma-make me hap-pay!

On the way out of the parking lot, Mattie offers Neve Campbell a ride home too, because he’s the best educator around.  Seriously, he’s got like a glass bowl and everything.  It’s a nice offer, but Neve Campbell gives everyone the stink eye, and shoots Denise Richards the bird for making a crack about her shoes.  You know while watching this movie, I realized that if in the first reel that if Neve Campbell had casts on her hands, she wouldn’t be able to communicate with any of the other characters in the film.

Matt Dillon drops Denise Richards off first, and we find out that she lives in a big honking mansion, and that her mom not only boinked Matt Dillon, but is up to do it again, like right now.  Matt Dillon manages to get off the property without impregnating anyone, but not before Denise Richards reminds him that she is going to be washing his car that weekend as part of a fund raiser for school.

Whatever your mom did to embarrass you in high school, she didn’t do this

The weekend rolls around in the next scene, and we get a whole mess of shots of Denise Richards and the other cheerleader getting squirted with hoses, slow motion scenes of sop suds dripping out of sponges and a lot of other stuff that leads me to believe this movie’s cinematographer routinely dresses in a raincoat and hangs out around school yards.

Wild Things, filmed in Pervovision for all your Dateline Predator needs

Denise Richards manages to get rid of the other cheerleader and traps Matt Dillon in his house.  She’s dripping wet, and still being filmed in pervovision, and then we cut to her walking out of Matt Dillon’s house looking like she is ready to cry.  Oh come on, The Flamingo Kid wasn’t that bad.

Monday rolls around and it’s time for everyone in the morning to face a new week.  Denise Richards mom (who is played by Theresa Russell by the way) is riding some young Cuban guy like he’s the horsey ride out in front of the grocery store when she gets a phone call from the high school telling her Denise Richards didn’t show up for school that morning.

Now Denise Richards’ mom may be a bit of a Lucy loose labia, but she’s a good mom, and starts trying to track down her daughter.  The first thing she does is call Matt Dillon, because, well seeing as is at the one place she knows her daughter isn’t at, I really don’t know why she’s calling Matt Dillon.  Still, while she has Matt Dillon on the line, she tells him he should stop by for some recreational boinking because that’s all he’s good for.  Um, can I take back that good mom part?

This really uncomfortable phone call gets broken up, when Denise Richard’s mom uses the sound of gunfire to track down her missing daughter, and no I am not making that last part up.  Bad Mom goes down by the water where Denise Richards is shooting skeet.  Well it makes sense because she’s obviously upset, and I know when I’m feeling blue firing a shotgun into the air always cheers me right up.  It does have a tendency to agitate the SWAT teams that show up.  Apartment living has its pluses and minuses.

Guns + Depression, what could go wrong?

Bad Mom brings Denise Richards inside the house to find out what is going on and to help her work through her feeling, translation, offer Denise Richards a Valium.  Denise Richards passes on the prescription happy pills, and tells her mommy what’s got her down.  She was raped, raped by Matt Dillon.  Huh, what who?  The guy you were ovulating in front of in the last scene?  Oh I’m confused.  I need to sit down.  Wait, I’m sitting down.  Man it’s worse then I thought.

We don’t get any time to work through this bombshell, which is a good thing, because eventually we’d have to figure out why we are watching this movie in the first place.  We cut over to the police station where Kevin Bacon and his partner are taking Denise Richards’ statement.

Kevin Bacon is totally buying what Denise Richards is peddling.  Actually everyone in the room is, because Denise Richards’ family is super duper rich.  Wait, did I say everyone?  Because Kevin Bacon’s partner thinks Denise Richards’ story sounds a little fishy.  Man, there’s a big brain behind that massive forehead.

Not that her opinion matters.  Their boss tells Kevin Bacon and her to make with the sex crime investigating, and before you know it, Matt Dillon has been suspended from his job, lost his house, had noted gasbag Robert Wagner tell him to stay away from his daughter, and had his car run off the road by Cuban guy Bad Mom was boinking.

The only good news that comes for Matt Dillon is that he finds a lawyer, and that took some work because Robert Wagner is Bad Mom’s lawyer and none of the other local lawyers want to risk making him mad.  Hey, quit giggling, it’s called suspension of disbelief; also if you keep doing it, then I’m going to start, and we’ll never get this thing finished.

Sure, Matt Dillon’s lawyer works out of a strip mall, and is scamming his insurance company, but when the chips are down, who you gonna call?  Oh, that’s right my trashy friends, Matt Dillon went out and hired Doctor Peter Veckman as his lawyer.  Bill Murray tells Matt as long as he’s innocent he has nothing to worry about.

This is right before Neve Campbel goes to Kevin Bacon and his partner and tells them that Matt Dillon raped her too.  Oh, this is not good, Matt Dillon ends up getting thrown in jail and his cell mate looks like the poster boy for forcible sodomy.  Look, we all love us some Bill Murray, but to be honest, right now I’m thinking he should have got Egon as his lawyer.

No time to ponder that question, because we cut right to Matt Dillon’s trial and it’s not looking good.  Well for the prosecutor it’s looking great, but for Matt Dillon it’s looking like he and his cellie will be picking out china patterns by the end of the week.

Forcible Sodomy Guy’s turn-ons include sunsets, long walks on the beach, and little guys he can hold down

That is before Bill Murray saves the day.  He gets Neve Campbell to recant her testimony on the stand.  How does he do that?  He asks her if she’s telling the truth, three times.  Sure it’s ridiculous, but who cares, Carl Spackler for the win, yay!

Not only does Bill Murray keep Matt Dillon out of prison, he gets a big whopping settlement check from Denise Richards’ mom for ruining Matt Dillon’s life.  Man, Second City is not only one of the best improv groups in the country, their law school is definitely underrated too.

(By the way, this whole movie is worth watching just to watch Bill Murray rub the settlement papers all over his body after Robert Wagner shakes his hand.  One of his finest moments ever.)

This doesn’t begin to do justice to this scene

Wow, so it looks like the movie is over and at just under 40 minutes too. Wow, maybe we can find a Law and Order rerun to talk about for the rest of the post?  Wait’ I spoke too soon, we’ve got a whole bunch more movie to go.

Matt Dillon quits his job, and heads back to his crappy motel where Denise Richards is waiting for him.  She seems pretty pissed, and she’s pointing something at Mattie under a towel, and it turns out it’s a bottle of champagne? Neve Campbell then pops out of the bathroom and is like “Whooo, we did it!”, and we quickly figure out that the three of them cooked this whole thing up to get eight million dollars from Denise Richards’s mom.

The girls want to par-tay, but Matt Dillon is the voice of reason.  Yeah, Matt Dillon.  Come on, our other two choices are Julia from Party of Five and the future star of It’s Complicated, Matt’s the no brainer choice for this room.

Matt Dillon points out, that they can’t be seen together, and that if everyone doesn’t do anything stupid, they can all go down to the Caribbean in a couple of weeks and split the money three ways.  The important thing is that they can’t be seen together.

Then they have a three way, because, well the girls are in Matt Dillon’s cheap motel room, and kids are starving in Africa.  Besides, you’ve seen the plot of this movie so far, this is an erotic thriller that needs all the erotic it can get.

We cut over to the cops and Kevin Bacon’s been doing some thinking.  Oh Kevin, now?  Why ruin a good thing?

Kevin Bacon doesn’t listen to my advice, and proceeds to tell his boss and his partner that Matt Dillon played them for fool, and is probably going to kill Neve Campbell and Denise Richards so he doesn’t have to share that settlement money with anyone.

Kevin Bacon’s boss and Big Forehead girl think he’s overreacting, but luckily for us in the audience, Kevin Bacon is an executive producer on this movie and doesn’t have to listen to them.

Kevin Bacon stops by the scuzzy trailer park that Neve Campbell lives in, just to give her a heads up that Matt Dillon and Denise Richards are never going to share that money with her, and she is going to end up seriously dead unless she spills the beans to our boy Kevin.

Neve Campbell tells Kevin Bacon she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but as soon as he exits her trailer, she’s on the phone to Matt Dillon.  The only thing is Matt isn’t around, so she ends up going over to talk with Denise Richards and get assured nothing bad is going to happen to her.

Neve Campbell tells Kevin Bacon she doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but as soon as he exits her trailer, she’s on the phone to Matt Dillon.  The only thing is Matt isn’t around, so she ends up going over to talk with Denise Richards and get assured nothing bad is going to happen to her.

Denise Richards calls her a dumb bitch and starts holding her head under water (did I mention they are having this conversation by Denise Richards’ swimming pool?) like she’s going to drown her.  Personally I don’ see how this is going to calm down Neve Campbell, and eventually Denise Richards comes to the same conclusion, and they start making out.

Because water boarding is so soothing

Kevin Bacon thinks this is totally the clue he’s been looking for, and tapes this late night cable, girl on girl action for his case.  Too bad for him, when he shows his spank tape to his boss and his partner the next day it only convinces them that Keve’s a bit of a massive perv.

Kevin Bacon’s boss tells him to drop the case and to stop videoing teenage girls having sex, unless: they are definitely over 18, sign a release, are drunk, and really looking to cheese off their parents.  Incidentally, this is also referred to as “The Girls Gone Wild Business Model.”

Well things should settle down now, right?  No such luck my trashy friends.  Denise Richards takes Neve Campbell off to the middle of nowhere so they can get drunk and make out. The only thing is, once they get out to the middle of nowhere Matt Dillon is waiting for them so they can have one last three way before they split that big, big check.

The only thing though, is while Denise Richards is going back to the car for a blanket, we hear what sounds like Neve Campbell getting whomped on the head with a bottle of cheap domestic champagne.  Uh oh, that doesn’t look good, and it doesn’t look good either when we see Neve Campbell’s body wrapped in plastic in the back of Denise Richards’s car.  Oh and it looks super duper extra not good when we see Matt Dillon in the next scene coming out of the swamp with a shovel.

Eventually the cops figure out that Neve Campbell is missing, and when Kevin Bacon finds some of Neve Campbell’s teeth and blood out at that make out place, he completely loses his poop.  He decides the only thing he can do now is to make sure nothing bad happens to Denise Richards.  This is why he breaks into her house in the middle of the night, and shoots her, twice.

Fun fact, but on this movie Kevin Bacon had a part in his character’s back story where he had a landscaping business that involved the use of a flame thrower.

Anyway, Kevin Bacon doesn’t get sent to jail, because it turns out Denise Richards shot him too, but Kevin Bacon’s bosses decide maybe it would be best if Kevin gave sex crime detecting a rest, and fire his butt.

We cut down to the Caribbean, where Matt Dillon is just hanging out at this resort.  After a couple of pina coladas, Matt Dillon heads back to his hotel room, and finds Kevin Bacon naked in his shower.  Whoa, now there’s an erotic twist I did not see coming.

Wait, false alarm on the Logo network front.  It turns out that Kevin Bacon was in on the scheme too and has come down to pick up his share of the loot.

Matt Dillon tells Kevin Bacon that’s cool, but they are going to have to wait a couple of days for Kevin Bacon to get his money.  In the meantime, Matt Dillon suggests that he and Kevin Bacon go out on Matt’s new humongous sailboat, and sail miles and miles away from dry land to the perfect place to dump a body that will never be found by the authorities.  Kevin Bacon asks Matt Dillon if Matt thinks he’s some sort of idiot.  Matt Dillion tells Kevin Bacon there will be pork rinds, and Kevin Bacon tells him he will be on the dock at seven AM sharp.

The next day our buddies go out a three hour tour, and sure enough when they get way out in the middle of the ocean, Matt Dillon knocks Kevin Bacon off the boat.  The only problem for Matt is here just happened to be a rope hanging over the side of the boat that Kevin Bacon was able to use to to climb back on to the boat.   Needless to say Kevin Bacon is more then a little pissed right now.  Although that being pissed turns to confusion when he gets shot by a speargun, and are you ready for the twist?  Neve Campbell is the one who shoots him.

Yeah, she’s not dead.  She just has a very unfortunate shag hair cut and a bad blonde dye job.  Kevin Bacon is shocked by this whole development, or maybe just mainly appalled at Neve Campbell’s haircut.  Either way he doesn’t put up too much of a fight, and gets thrown off the boat again, this time for realsies.

Exhibit A as to why you never want to make the stylist angry

We cut back to Florida where Big Forehead Girl has decided to talk to the one guy who can lay this mystery out for all of us.  Neve Campbell’s gator wrasslin’ slightly inbred step-brother.  He explains that Neve Campbell is like really smart.  I mean Wylie Coyote smart, which means she’d be more then capable of coming up with a scheme to get a whole bunch of money out of Denise Richard’s mom, kill off all of her accomplices, and then make it look like Matt Dillon was running the whole show.

Because this is the guy you go to in this movie for answers

Speaking of killing off all of her accomplices, we cut back to the boat, just in time to watch Neve Campbell poison Matt Dillon, and turns him into fish food.  Then she sails the big honking sailboat back to the island.

Random goof shot of the recap

We then see a bunch of scenes of Neve Campbell using her Wylie Coyote smarts to set up everything we thought we saw in the movie, and then we cut back to Neve meeting up with Bill Murray who was  waiting for her on the island.  He’s already got all the money transferred into her account, and has brought a briefcase full of cash for her for walking around money.  Neve Campbell takes the money and starts walking away.  This is when Bill Murray says, “Suzie, be good.”  The End.

See, pretty awesome huh?  And oh so many valuable lessons we can take with us into the real world.  For starters, don’t let Denise Richards wash your car, unless Bill Murray is your lawyer. High School Guidance Counselors are invaluable in figuring out which college is right for you after graduating.  They also make great patsies for any con game/murder schemes you may be running, and finally, big foreheads are sign of intelligence; just not enough intelligence to catch Neve Campbell before she’s faked her death, and fled the country.  At least that’s what I took away from this movie.

Anyway Gasmii, thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.