TrashBack: Pirates of the Caribbean

Hey there Gasmi, do you like pirates? Of course you do, it’s not like you’re a communist.

Of course if you are a communist maybe you should look for another website more your style. One that spends it’s time extolling a political and economic system that strives for complete social and economic equality, but is willing to settle for churning out an army of woman shot putters with more back hair then your Uncle Lou. I mean, we just want you to be happy.

Are they gone yet? Good. Although the bulk granola aisle at the co-op will probably be packed for the next 20 minutes.

Anyway, back to what America loves. Shipping jobs overseas? ? No. Cheese that is individually sliced and wrapped? Wow, that last one is tempting, but seeing as I’m really stretching for a tie-in to start this post, we are going to go with pirates today. Well, not only pirates, but pirates with lots of guyliner, award winning actors slumming, and lots of CGI skeletons to keep things straight enough for the red states. Yep Gasmi we are going all the way back to the 2003 release of Pirates of the Caribbean : The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Our movie starts with a flashback. Well, okay maybe it’s not a flashback, because the movie just started so you really have no point to flashback from. Maybe the rest of the movie will be a flashforward. I think this may be proof that time is relative, or at least why thinking makes my head hurt. Anyway, at the bottom of the screen it says eight years before, and we are just going to go with it.

The important thing is we meet a bunch of characters, and the director can get set to start shoveling the surprising amount of exposition you need for a movie based on a five minute ride at Disneyland. First we meet the daughter of the new governor, who thinks pirates are ever so fun. We also meet her dad who either is wearing a wig or has hair that could make Crystal Gayle cry, and finally we meet Captain Stiff Upper Lip who likes pirates too, well as long as he’s hanging them.

This interesting two minutes of tell don’t show gets interrupted when a boy drifts by on a piece of scrap wood. The boy gets hauled into the ship, and the little girl gets put in charge of watching him, because this was the olden days and 10 was the new 50.

The girl sees that the boy is wearing a necklace with a piece of Aztec gold on it, and she gets all Lindsey Lohan, and takes it because she has a drug problem, a completely underdeveloped sense of right and wrong, she’s “ditzy.”

While this is going on, their ship has come upon the wreckage of the ship that the boy must have come off of. Captain Stiff Upper Lip says the ship must have just accidentally exploded. Oh good, nothing like building a summer adventure movie around a simple industrial accident. Luckily for the plot, the girl sees a creepy black ship with black sails disappearing into the fog.

This is right when Kira Knightly wakes up and we find out it was all a dream. A dream that had people talking in complete sentences and banner on the bottom of the screen that said “eight years ago.”

Wow, my dreams suck. Although in that last one I did beat that kangaroo in a wrestling match two out of three falls.

Kira Knightly who is all grown up, and totally legal for a guy to marry her even though he probably watched her go through ever stage of puberty as an adult, gets out of bed and decides to put on that necklace that she swiped from that little boy in her dream/flashback.

Her dad comes in and we get proof that eight years have really passed, because his Crystal Gayle wig is getting a little grey. He’s got a gift for his little punkin, a smashing new dress and some too tight undies [Insert your own cheap Joe Simpson joke here].

It turns out dear old dad bought her the dress because she just happens to be old enough now to marry Captain Stiff Upper Lip, who is just about to be promoted to Commodore Stiff Upper Lip.

Kira Knightly gets a little cross with her dad for the very smoothless setup he is trying to pull off. Governor Crystal Gayle can’t understand what Kira Knightly is getting her corset in a knot over, because where could she find anyone dreamier then a man who moves and acts at every moment like a red hot five foot metal rod was just inserted into his rectum?

We cut to another part of the house where Orlando Bloom is waiting to drop off a sword with Governor Crystal Gayle. We find out that Orlando Bloom is the little boy on the raft all grown up and apprenticed to a local blacksmith even though Orlando Bloom does all the actual work. Orlando Bloom is dropping off a sword so Governor Crystal Gayle can give it to Commodore Stiff Upper Lip for his promotion; you know, along with his daughter’s virginity.

Kira Knightly comes down the stairs, sees Orlando Bloom, and immediately tells him she was dreaming about him last night, and insists that he call her by her first name. Right about now if Kira Knightly were a baboon her butt would be a shade of scarlet best seen with protective googles.

Orlando Bloom feels the same way about Kira Knightly, but doesn’t say anything, because he is a vagina of Cloverfield proportions, doesn’t think it’s proper. Kira Knightly’s dad then gets her out of the room before she can alert Orlando Bloom as to her current ovulation schedule, and we are on to the next scene.

Now you might be worrying at this point in the movie, because there seems to be a shortage of pirates. And charisma. Not to worry, because Johnny Depp enters stage left to fill both of those voids. Johnny Depp is Captain Jack Sparrow, a pirate who talks kind of like Keith Richards, has Duran Duran eyes, and walks like Foster Brooks.

He’s not your grandma’s pirate, but then again her pirate had an alleged yen for teenaged girls, and might have been a spy either for or against the Nazis.

See? The world is getting better. Sadly we seem to have put too much effort into fictional pirates, and not enough into avoiding an economy based entirely on recycling aluminum cans. Still Johnny Depp was able to buy an island, so it all worked out for the best. For Johnny Depp I mean.

Okay, we start cutting back and forth between two scenes: one where Captain Stiff Upper Lip is being promoted to commodore, and the other where Johnny Depp and a couple of humorous guards engage in a little banter, and some always needed exposition.

Newly promoted Commodore Stiff Upper Lip uses his time in front of Kira Knightly to walk around in tiny precise steps, because it’s common knowledge that chicks dig mincing, a man in uniform.

While Commodore Stiff Upper Lip does his darndest to keep the English population rate small and tidy, Johnny Depp engages in a little jaw jacking with two guards, so that we in the audience can find out that there is a ship called The Black Pearl, crewed by the damned, and captained by a man so evil that Hell spat him back out.

Now that the title of the movie makes more sense, we cut back to Commodore Stiff Upper Lip trying to propose to Kira Knightly. He’s stuttering his way through a very awkward marriage proposal, but that is kind of understandable, because if he uses the phrase love at first sight, Chris Hansen will pop out of a cake.

Commodore Stiff Upper Lip eventually starts stuttering about how when a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, and I start thinking if this turns out to be a marriage proposal/sex talk (very popular in Utah by the way), I am so out of here. Kira Knightly must feel the same way because she passes out and takes a header off the side of the fort into the ocean like 20 feet below.

Luckily for the plot, Johnny Depp just happens to be standing by where Kira Knightly went in the water, and dives in after her. Johnny Depp is able to rescue Kira Knightly, but she has to lose her fancy heavy dress for him to get her out of the water. Although when Johnny Depp gets her out of the water, Kira Knightly still isn’t breathing, which is why he has to cut off her corset.

Oh, and before I forget, when Kira Knightly was in the water her Aztec gold necklace made a big underwater boom, that nobody in the movie seems too concerned with, but I’m pretty sure will be important later on in the film.

This is where Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip show up, and immediately assume that Johnny Depp is about to get all rapity on Kira Knightly. Yep, because most rapist hang out around the bottoms of cliffs waiting for women to take headers into the water. Morons. Not rapists, I mean Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip. Not that rapist are particularly smart… um, I’m going to change the subject right about now, okay? Thanks, you’re the bestest!

Luckily for the plot, Kira Knightly is able to talk, and tells her pops and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip that there was absolutely no fiddling south of her equator going on, and Johnny Depp is in the clear. Right up until Commodore Stiff Upper Lip spots a P that has been branded on to Johnny Depp’s arm. Commodore Stiff Upper Lip decides it must stand for pirate. Granted in this movie that kind of makes sense, but P can stand for all sorts of things.

Such as Penny Pingleton is Permanently Punished!

So Johnny Depp is back to being executed, and the only person standing up for him is Kira Knightly. This is why things get a little awkward when Johnny Depp takes her hostage, but as Johnny Depp points out he is a pirate, so him not playing by the rules is a bit of a given.

Johnny Depp then proceeds to exit stage left, but seeing as this is a pirate movie that involves him using a rope to get up to this beam above the soldiers’ heads, swinging across to the ship on another rope, and zip lining down yet another rope. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, pirates like rope.

So now Johnny Depp has escaped, almost. He is still in manacles, which is why he makes a beeline for the blacksmith’s shop, and thanks to a red hot poker being applied to an ass he is able to free himself. Once you see the movie, the image that last sentence brings to mind won’t be nearly so disturbing.

Enter Orlando Bloom, stage right, just as Johnny Depp is about to escape from the movie. It turns out Orlando Bloom doesn’t like pirates, and we get our first sword fight of the movie.

First of all, sword fights are awesome. I dare you to think of a movie that wouldn’t be better if at least two of the characters spent five minutes pretending to stab each other. I’m looking right at you Marley and Me.

That being said, sword fights are kind of hard to recap, because they are all pretty much exactly the same, which is what we get here. Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom set to hacking at each other and we get the following bit of action: sword fight, sword fight, witty banter, sword fight, sword fight, sword fight, witty banter,sword fight, acrobatic move, sword fight, witty banter, acrobatic move, acrobatic move, witty banter, sword fight,  and finish with an interesting twist that propels the plot in the direction the screenwriter needs it to go.

Now I think that’s pretty awesome, and if you don’t then all I can say is you are the reason little Johnny can’t read. Or maybe Michael Bey is the reason? Or Herman Melville? I always get those two confused. Yes, I did get a D in my sophomore English class, what is your point?

Anyway, Johnny Depp wins his sword fight with Orlando Bloom, because he kind of cheats, because he’s a pirate and they are supposed to cheat, but at the last second Johnny Depp gets clonked over the head by Orlando Bloom’s drunken boss.

Fun fact, drunken bosses in metal working facilities are awesome at capturing pirates. Extending the string of consecutive days without an accident at the job site? Eh, not so much.

Commodore Stiff Upper Lip shows up, and Johnny Depp gets hustled off to be hung, again. Ah, all’s well that ends well, and crime doesn’t pay. A valuable lesson to the youth of America.

That being said, we are on pace for an 18 minute movie, which tends to give the people who just coughed up 10 buck to get in a serious case of the “let’s yell at the 16-year-old-girl at the ticket counter,because this has to be her fault.” This is usually followed by a case of “being asked to leave before the manager calls the police,” and a case of “grumbling about telling your friends how much this place sucks as you get in your car.” And this is why we don’t have 18 minute movies, for medical reasons.

Enter a bunch of pirates to save our viewing experience. The town gets the holy hell blown out of it, and everyone we’ve seen so far in the movie runs around like chickens with their heads cut off. Well, not Johnny Depp, because he’s in a prison cell, but Orlando Bloom wanders around trying to save the day until he gets whacked in the tatter by a guy he killed earlier in the scene.

Some of the pirates wander into a scene with Johnny Depp, and it turns out they know each other, but didn’t part on the best of terms. Also, the pirates look like okay from a distance, but like skeletons when you get close up under natural light. It’s sort of like seeing that one girl from the pep squad at your 25 year high school reunion, but minus the cash bar.

While all of this is happening some pirates go up to the governor’s mansion to get Kira Knightly. Why? Well without a damsel in distress it won’t be much of a pirate movie, now will it? Oh and Kira Knightly is still wearing that necklace she “borrowed” from Orlando Bloom back at the beginning of the movie. Kira Knightly gets cornered by two pirates who look like where the gene pool for the first two rows at at professional wrestling match comes from, but she pulls out some pirate trickery by claiming the right to parlay.

These two look like the Saragossa Sea of Twisted Chromosomes

You see, apparently pirates have a code where if you shout out the word parley, comic relief goons have to take you to see their captain. Sounds a little made up to me, but the plot is moving so we go with it.

The pirates having blown the set to crap are all getting back on their boat to go off and do whatever it is pirates do when they aren’t on-screen.

Anyway, once they get on board, Kira Knightly meets with the head pirate, and holy crap Geoffrey Rush is in a movie that’s based on a ride at Disneyland. I guess the casting in this movie is all the proof you need that you can’t make a Jag payment with a Golden Globe. You can crack the hell out of walnuts with one, but it’s just not legal tender.

Kira Knightly tells Geoffrey Rush that she will let him have the Aztec gold thingee, if he promises to leave her set, I mean town alone. Oh and she also tells Geoffrey Rush that she certainly isn’t Governor Crystal Gayle’s daughter, and instead tells Geoffrey Rush that her last name is the one that Orlando Bloom uses in this movie.

Geoffrey Rush doesn’t have any problems with the deal, and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, not Kira Knightly, because Geoffrey Rush won’t let her go, because that wasn’t part of their agreement. It’s kind of a dick move, but then again, Geoffrey Rush is the bad guy in this movie so we aren’t too surprised.

We cut to the next day, and Orlando Bloom has his panties in a twist, because nobody seems to be in any hurry to rescue Kira Knightly. Commodore Stiff Upper Lip and Governor Crystal Gayle get a little cranky because Orlando Bloom is keeping them from drawing little circles on their map. Governor Crystal Gayle says he would love to rescue Kira Knightly, but only a pirate would know where to find pirates, and where would they ever find a pirate?

Orlanod Bloom points out that the star of their movie just happens to be a pirate, but Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip are hell bent on hanging Johnny Depp. Besides, they’ve heard Richard Grieco is available, and he made 21 Jump Street safe. Right?, Right?

(Speaking of 21 Jump Street, lets look at this progression, Johnny Depp to Richard Grieco to Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. We are on the long steep downside of evolution my friends. We’ll all be back to breathing with gills by the end of the decade.)

Orlando Bloom flees the scene and promptly makes a deal with Johnny Depp that he will help him escape if Johnny Depp will help him rescue Kira Knightly. Johnny Depp agrees and the plot starts to finally build up a little speed.

Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom steal one of Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ships, which is good for them. The problem is that the ship is too big for the two of them to sail, which is bad for them. Commodore Stiff Upper Lip shows up with another ship full of guards, which is also bad for them. Commodore Stiff Upper Lip and the guards all board the ship Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom stole, which we all can agree sucks for Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp.

Or does it? Because this is when Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp jump over to the other ship, boot the few guys left there into the water, and make there escape, stage right. Oh, and they sabotaged big ship so Commodore Stiff Upper Lip can’t chase them. For those of you keeping score, that is good for them, good for them, and Paul Lynde in the center square for the win good for them, which means, ummm, good for them?

We cut back to Kira Knightly who is being forced to have dinner with Geoffrey Rush. Please note I said Kira Knightly is being forced to have dinner with Geoffrey Rush, and not being forced to eat. We’re not making comments on how Kira Knightly’s body looks in this movie. Nosiree bob. Are we making comments on people being loath to watch Australians eat? Err, who wants to talk about the movie?

The good news is Kira Knightly doesn’t have to watch Geoffrey Rush eat. Kira Knightly is pretty hungry, so she digs into her meal, but eventually she notices that Geoffrey Rush is watching her like a pedophile watching a Toddlers and Tiaras marathon. This leads to Geoffrey Rush telling Kira Knightly a story about stealing a whole bunch of cursed Aztec gold, and then not being able to eat or drink anything. We find out the pirates spent all the gold, and then had to spend the last 10 years stealing it back.

Kira Knightly is moved by this story. Hey, the girl has feelings, okay? This why she stabs Geoffrey Rush in the chest. Well, on further thought maybe Kira Knightly wasn’t that moved, or has problems expressing empathy? Anyway she stabs Geoffrey Rush and makes her escape.

Too bad for her she’s on a ship in the middle of the ocean so her escape ends right outside of the door. And double too bad for her because the crew has turned into a bunch of CGI skeletons. Geoffrey Rush, who isn’t dead, because he’s a skeleton too, comes out and goes over that whole thing about them being cursed for the second time. He also explains that the reason they look like skeletons now is because they can only be seen in their true form in the moonlight. Kira Knightly finally figures out what is going on, and promptly faints. And we’re moving to the next scene.

We cut over to Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom who are out at sea too. This scene exists so Johnny Depp can tell Orlando Bloom that he knew Orlando Bloom’s dad, and he just happened to be pirate. Orlando Bloom isn’t too happy to hear this news, but Johnny Depp holds him out over the ocean and threatens to drown him until he gets with the program. Hey it’s how my Mom got me to eat peas. And we’re on to the next scene.

Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom head on to the pirate port of Tortuga where they pick up a colorful crew, and Johnny Depp tells this guy with out of control sideburns that Orlando Bloom is going to help him get his ship back. The guy with the out of control sideburns then tells Orlando Bloom that Johnny Depp is the such a badass pirate, that when he was marooned on a desert island by a mutinous crew he got off the island even though no one has figured out how he did it. Then a few women dressed like tarts slap Johnny Depp in the face, and everyone gets back in the boat, and sails after Geoffrey Rush and company.

Okay, just to avoid any confusion lets just go over the plot one more time.

The pirates found some cursed Aztec Gold and were promptly cursed. Unfortunately for the pirates they didn’t figure this out until after they had spent all the gold. The pirates then decided to steal all the gold back.

The only problem with this plan is that they strapped one of the guys who stole the gold with them and dropped him into sea, so they are worried that without him they won’t be able to lift the curse. Luckily, Orlando Bloom just happens to be the dead pirate’s son, so they can sacrifice him and everything will be hunky dory. The only problem is that the pirates think Kira Knightly is the dead pirate’s daughter because she unwittingly told them that she was, and are planning to sacrifice her.

Johnny Depp  was the pirates’ captain before they mutinied and marooned him on a desert island. Everyone is super impressed that Johnny Depp  got off the island but nobody knows exactly how he did it. Oh, and Johnny Depp knows about the curse and Orlando Bloom being the dead pirate’s son. Johnny Depp wants to basically sell Orlando Bloom to the pirates in exchange for their ship, which was originally Johnny Depp’s ship, before Geoffrey Rush lead a mutiny and left Johnny Depp stranded on a desert island.

Wow, pretty simple. Do you know what the plot of Casablanca was? A guy has to decide whether to do the right thing and let his old girlfriend go off with her husband, or keep her for himself.

As you can obviously see, it’s only thanks to modern film schools that we’ve been able to generate movie plots more complex then the user’s manual for a nuclear reactor. Can you smell that? It’s progress, and there is no stopping it. No wait that was gas. Sorry, I’ve got to start laying off the 4th meals. Anyway, back to the show.

We cut over to the pirates who have sailed to Isla de Muerta, so Geoffrey Rush can sacrifice Kira Knightly.

The pirates head over to this cave loaded with treasure, and Geoffrey Rush makes a speech about how long they’ve suffered and how they’ll never be hungry or thirsty again. Call me a cynical waffleboy, but at this point in the movie to me Geoffrey Rush and company always sound a lot less like pirates, and more like a Weight Watchers group deciding to bag their diets and to start having their weekly meetings at Golden Corral instead.

So Geoffrey Rush puts that last piece of Aztec gold they’ve been looking for into the chest, and cuts Kira Knightly’s hand. Yeah, it turns out they just needed some of her blood, not all of it. The pirates all then close their eyes and wait for the curse to lift

As the dramatic tension ramps up, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom sneak into the cave. Not to worry, because Johnny Depp has a plan.

The only problem is that Orlando Bloom has a plan too. Orlando Bloom’s plan involves conking Johnny Depp over the head with a stick, grabbing Kira Knightly while the pirates have their eyes closed, and making a run for it. I have a feeling Johnny Depp’s plan would have been better, but Orlando Bloom puts his into action first, so it looks like we are going with conking and running.

The pirates are pretty pissed to find they are still cursed, more pissed, to see that Kira Knightly has flown the coop, and super pissed to see that Johnny Depp has crashed their party.

Not that this bothers Johnny Depp, because he has a proposition for them. If the pirates give him their ship, Johnny Depp will lead them to the Orlando Bloom so they can finally lift their curse. Geoffrey Rush has a counter-offer. He and his pack of CGI skeletons will take Johnny Depp prisoner, and haul ass after Orlando Bloom and Kira Knightly, because they have the only other ship in the movie right now, so  it shouldn’t be too hard to find them. Seeing as Geoffrey Rush is backed up by a bunch of goons, and only Maybelline eyeliner has Johnny Depp’s back right now, we’re going with Geoffrey Rush’s plan.

We cut back to Orlando Bloom and Kira Knightly. They are hauling butt, and start to throw everything overboard on their ship to go faster when they see Geoffrey Rush is right on their tail. Things get worse by the second, because the pirates are still gaining on them.

This is when Orlando Bloom decides they are going to Plan B, and are going to fight. Everyone starts loading the cannons up with forks and spoons and other loose stuff, because they just threw their cannon balls overboard. This is the point in the movie when anyone who has ever been featured on an episode of Hoarders feels totally vindicated.

Oh, and right before everyone starts shooting off cannons Kira Knightly has a little talk with Orlando Bloom where she tells him that she swiped his Aztec gold necklace way back when. Orlando Bloom is more then a little miffed, because that was the only thing he had as a link to his father, and he thought he lost it. Kira Knightly tries to explain that she was worried they would think Orlando Bloom was a pirate, but Orlando Bloom is still kind of ticked. Not so ticked that he doesn’t still want to see Kira Knightly’s boobies, but the boy is a bit miffed.

Not that it matters, because Geoffrey Rush and company have shown up and started to blow the H-E-double-hockey-sticks out of their ship. Yay for random cannon fire, you can settle any personal argument!

Orlando Bloom and company fight back, but Geoffrey Rush has the bigger ship, and a crew of CGI skeletons that can’t die, so evil finally triumphs over good. Or in this case, substantially less evil.

The pirates take Orlando Bloom’s crew and Kira Knightly prisoner, and this is right when Orlando Bloom pops up and holds a pistol to his own head. He tells Geoffrey Rush that he is the actual son of the dead pirate that Geoffrey Rush is looking for, and if Geoffrey Rush doesn’t let Kira Knightly and everyone else go free, then Orlando Bloom will blow his own brains out. Geoffrey Rush says he can live with those conditions, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Well not Kira Knightly and Johnny Depp, because the pirates make them walk the plank by the same desert island they left Johnny Depp on 10 years ago.

You see Geoffrey Rush never said where he would let people go, only that he would let them go. Man, Kira Knightly and Orlando Bloom suck at negotiating. I mean you just know that every car they’ve ever bought has dealer undercoating on it.

So Johnny Depp and Kira Knightly end up on a desert island. Now this shouldn’t present a problem, because Johnny Depp escaped from this island in his back story, but it turns out hat there is just one teensy thing that Johnny Depp never told anyone about his escape. The fact that he didn’t really escape. It turns out the island was used as a base for a bunch of rum runners and they gave Johnny a lift off the island.

Johnny’s problem now is that it looks like the rum runners are long gone, and that he and Kira Knightly are going to be stuck on the island forever. But don’t worry, because Johnny Depp has a plan. He and Kira Knightly are going to get rip roaring drunk on the booze the rum runners left behind, and make a big fire.

And once again, Johnny Depp seems less like a pirate and more like your fun grandma who wasn’t allowed to turn on the stove when your mom wasn’t there.

Hard liquor and no sun screen, this never ends badly

Still, once they get the fire going and their blood alcohol levels up around why-aren’t-you-dead-yet, Johnny Depp and Kira Knightly seem to get along really well. In fact, Johnny Depp tells Kira Knightly how the Black Pearl isn’t just a ship, but a metaphor for the freedom to go where you want and to do what you want. Kira Knightly seems very touched by Johnny Depp’s attempt to work the verbal section of the SATs into an everyday situation, and we end the scene.

When we cut to the next scene, Johnny Depp wakes up with a monster hangover to find out that Kira Knightly has used all of the rum to start a super massive bonfire to hail a passing ship, and wouldn’t you know it, a ship shows up that just happens to be carrying Commodore Stiff Upper Lip, and Governor Crystal Gayle. You know, I pretty convinced that Kira Knightly’s character is incapable of being touched in this movie.

Okay, so Kira Knightly has been rescued from the pirates, and Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip will be able to finally hang Johnny Depp. You know, aside from killing the star of the movie and pretty much the only reason to keep pumping out sequels, it looks like Jerry Bruckheimer may have finally invented the two act movie.

Of course this is right when Kira Knightly wants to know when they are going to rescue Orlando Bloom. For some reason being reminded that Orlando Bloom is still in the movie causes Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip to make a face like somebody smeared baby after eating chili poop on their upper lips, and that is hella strange because Elizabethtown isn’t going to be released until 2005.

Long story short, Commodore Stiff Upper Lip isn’t interested in rescuing the guy who stole one of his ships. Well at least not until Kira Knightly offers to marry him, then the Commodore gets into a more protect and serve kind of mood.

Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Commodore Stiff Upper Lip is aware that the only reason Kira Knightly is willing to marry him, is so that she can save her true sweet baboo, Orlando Bloom.

My god, for a man with incredible posture, Commodore Stiff Upper Lip has no spine whatsoever. Is Kira Knightly the only woman in the world. I mean come on, the guy is acting like there aren’t websites in the late 1600′s for meeting hot matrimonial inclined Ukrainian babes.

What? There weren’t any hot Ukrainian babe websites in the late 1600′s? Okay, it makes a little more sense, but still it’s kind of a stretch i  my book.

Okay, the good news is that we have finally reached the climatic scene of the movie. However, the bad news for those of you who may suffer from hemroids, is that there is still another 45 minutes left in the movie.  Have you ever heard someone say that the best parts of a movie got left on the cutting room floor? Nobody is ever going to say that about this franchise.

So, on to the climax of the movie. First the good guys will need a plan, so they turn to Johnny Depp. Why they do this, I’m not sure, because so far in the movie he’s pretty much been a functional alcoholic version of Wile E. Coyote, but he’s got a plan, so we’re going with it.

First he gets Commodore Stiff Upper Lip to lock Kira Knightly in a state room, so she can break out of it later. I mean for her safety?

Now that we have an exciting plot point just waiting to happen, Johnny Depp tells Commodore Stiff Upper Lip that he will get the pirates to come out of their secret cave, and when he does, the good guys can blow them all to hooie kablooie. Sounds simple enough, but what Johnny Depp doesn’t know is that Commodore Stiff Upper Lip is going to have most of his crew sit in row boats because he doesn’t trust Johnny Depp. Harsh. You screw somebody royally five or six times and they suddenly get judgmental.

Johnny Depp then heads into the pirates’ secret cave and tells Geoffrey Rush that now that he is about to lift that curse, the pirates need to start thinking about the future. Oh man, why is this movie starting to sound like an ITT commercial?

Johnny Depp tells Geoffrey Rush, that if the pirates steal Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ship, Johnny Depp will team up with them, and buy Geoffrey Rush a new hat. Seeing as we abandoned rational thought somewhere in the second reel, Geoffrey Rush sends his crew off to capture Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ship.

Meanwhile, Kira Knightly is busy trying to get back into the movie. She finds a bunch of flags in her stateroom, which she uses to make a rope to escape. She apparently also found a rowboat in her room too, because that’s what she uses to head over to the Black Pearl to rescue the good guy pirates.

After Kira Knightly takes out a couple of bad guy pirates with a row boat, and no, it wasn’t the row boat she came over on, she frees the good guy pirates so they can all go rescue Orlando Bloom. The only problem with her plan is that the pirates don’t want to go. It turns out the pirate code says if somebody falls behind you leave him, or that there is no improv in the third act, it’s one of those two.

Kira Knightly makes an impassioned speech, but it’s still no dice, and she ends up rowing over to rescue Orlando Bloom by herself while the pirates sail away. It’s a good thing that she shows up, because Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp are having a big sword fight with Geoffrey Rush and his goon pirates.

So we now get a huge steady diet of sword fighting, which I’ve mentioned is awesome, right? Seriously, I would watch C-SPAN constantly if they gave everyone cutlasses.

And then, Geoffrey Rush stabs Johnny Depp. !Que Lastima!

Not to worry, because Johnny Depp stole one of those pieces of cursed Aztec gold, so he’s a CGI skeleton pirate now too. Okay right now, the screenwriter has a death grip on the suspension of disbelief’s testicles, but we go with it, because it leads to more kickass sword fighting.

Hey, remember the CGI skeleton pirates who were going to steal Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ship? Hey, be polite and pretend you remember, okay? These poor bastards are never going to pay off their student loans to Julliard, so the least we do is be polite.

So, the CGI skeleton pirates walk across the floor of the ocean to the ship. Well most of them do. Two of them go in a rowboat dressed in women’s clothing, because men in drag is comic gold. Except when they do it while lip syncing to Beyonce’s Single Ladies, while wearing fabulous makeup. Then it’s an insidious assault on the morals of our children. Man, comedy is way more complicated then most people think.

Anyway, the CGI pirates attack Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ship, and eventually Commodore Stiff Upper Lip figures out what is going on, and has his men row over to stop them. This leads to even more sword fighting. Awesome.

Back at the no so secret cave, everyone is sword fighting like crazy. right up until Geoffrey Rush gets the drop on Kira Knightly, and is about to shoot her. A shot rings out, and we see that Johnny Depp has fired it.

Yep our boy Johnny Depp shot Geoffrey Rush. Geoffrey Rush tells Johnny Depp that he’s a bit of a moron, because Geoffrey Rush can’t be killed. Now normally Geoffrey Rush would be right, but Johnny Depp also tossed his piece of cured Aztec gold to  Orlando Bloom, who tossed it into the treasure chest along with his piece of Aztec Gold, and cut his hand to add a little bit of blood too. If all of that sounds a little busy, would it make you feel better if I told you it happened in slow motion? So, it turns out that Geoffrey Rush isn’t a CGI skeleton pirate anymore, and he promptly drops dead.

Granted, there aren’t a lot of movies out there that ferociously nut punch the audience’s common sense like this movie is doing right now, but then again, this movie has been running for over 2 1/2 hours at this point, and my ass is falling asleep, so I say we go with it.

Over on Commodore Stiff Upper Lip’s ship, once the CGI pirate skeletons figure out that they are no longer CGI skeletons the fight goes right out of them.  Pussies. Sorry that just slipped out, but only because they are.

Once the pirates surrender, all of the navy extras start huzzahing like Queen Elizabeth’s boob popped out of her dress at a Renaissance Fair, and we get ready to start with the happily ever aftering.

We cut to Johnny Depp’s hanging, which is well under way. Show of hands how many of you were not expecting this to be our happily ever after? Well you aren’t the only one who is upset, because it looks like Orlando Bloom has been binge drinking and clothes shopping for days.

This reminds me, Tyler Perry has a new movie coming out, Madea goes legally blind

Orlando Bloom makes one more plea to give Johnny Depp a pass, but Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip seem determined to be super buzzkills.

Orlando Bloom then helps Johnny Depp to try to escape, and we get one last dose of acrobatic pirate moves, but Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom still end up getting caught.

It looks like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom will now both be taking The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tie knot class, when Kira Knightly steps in to save the the day. She explains to Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip that she loves Orlando Bloom, and that pirates are super hot. Naturally, upon hearing this info, Governor Crystal Gayle and Commodore Stiff Upper Lip let everyone go.

Oh, don’t look so surprised. Johnny Depp wasn’t going to die at the very end of the movie. This isn’t some John Cassavetes piece of cinema verite,  this is a freaking Disney movie for crying out loud; the happy ending was a given. By the way, the main reason John Cassavetes hasn’t worked in awhile, is the absence of happy endings in his movie. Well that and the fact he died in 1989, but the happy ending problem is a definite reason too.

So Kira Knightly and Orlando Bloom exit stage right, so we don’t have to look at his hat any more, and Johnny Depp takes a header off the side of the fort. Luckily, the pirates on the Black Pearl have come back to rescue him.

Why? Well, the pirate code may say to leave men behind who can’t keep up, but the Code of the Extras says “don’t screw up a steady gig.”

Johnny Depp gets zipped on to the ship, and sails off to the next sequel.

The End.

There you have it my trashy friends, entertainment that sometimes feels like it’s lasting for days, and not only that but chock full of important life lessons. Such as, that while pirates are colorful and exciting, apparently a lot more of them have food issues then might think.  If you are in need of strategic vision, you can never go wrong then going with the guy sporting serious amount of eyeliner who is also flirting with alcohol posioning. I mean  how much worse would it be if we officially turned control of our economy over to a bunch of drunken drag queens? Oh, and lastly, John Cassavetes is still dead. Seriously, I just checked that out on Wikipedia.

Anyway, if you need an excuse  not to go Christmas shopping this movie is a great choice.

Note: The picture I ran of Lee Arnberg and Makenzie Crook, aka Pintel and Ragetti, aka comic relief goons isn’t actually from this movie, but I couldn’t find a good one of these two together. Some times you have to get creative to get things to look the way you want it. Hope this didn’t ruin the recap for anyone

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