Trashback: RED

Oh Gasmi, you may not know it, but America is in the midst of a golden age. Granted, it’s obviously not an economic golden age, unless Adam Smith dreamed of the day we’d all be living in empty refrigerator boxes. No, the golden age I am talking about involves our most precious natural resource in the U-S-of-A, old farts.

Yes Gasmi, our geezer rock! They live longer, have more money, tighter skin, and thanks to Big Pharma some of them are sporting boners that last longer then your average Kindergarten class.

And, by the way, for all of you under 30 who are reading this, it means at least one of you has a nana and oompa who regularly use a safe word in the bedroom. Did you feel that? The skin crawling on the back of your neck? Yeah, that’s a textbook case of the Willies.

When did woodworking stop being a cool hobby?

Shoot people, our wrinkled seniors have so much pep and drive we even gave them their own action movie. Yep we are going all the way back to the 2010 release, RED. Anyway, enough jawing and lets get to the good stuff.

Our movie starts with spending some time with our star, Bruce Willis. Just so you know Bruce has reached the chrome dome phase of his career, which is ironic because he’s always been bald. I personally kind of miss that poofy toupe he wore in the early Die Hard movies, but we all have to move on. Besides, with the healthy tan he is sporting Bruce Willis is only a top hat, monocle, cane, and a set of spats from the character in a bio-pic who would finally get Bruce that Oscar he so desperately needs to prop that one door open at his house.

The role Bruce Willis was born to play

Anyway, Bruce Willis is retired, but doesn’t seem to be doing very well. He gets up in the morning, takes a bunch of pills, hits a heavy bag in his basement, and spends the rest of the time… Well he’s sad or has gas. I can’t tell. Either way it doesn’t look like a vibrant life.

Then again, Bruce Willis doesn’t seem to be one of those overly sharing oldsters like the one I met at McDonald’s this one time who went right from commenting on the weather to letting me know he had a prostate as big as a Virginia ham, and due to his testicles de-elasticizing they were comfortably nestled between his kneecaps as we were speaking. (By the way Vernon, if you’re still alive and reading this, thanks for spoiling chicken McNuggets for me for a good three years.) I guess what I’m trying to say is there is a happy median for retirees to interact with the world and Bruce Willis doesn’t seem to be in that zone.

The one bit of joy in Bruce Willis’s life seems to be tearing up his retirement checks so he can engage in some very low key phone flirting with Mary Louise Parker, a call center operator. Mary Louise Parker likes talking with Bruce Willis too, because she’s bored with being a customer service rep, and wishes her life was more like the globe trotting spies she reads about in her favorite romance novels.

In fact, Mary Louise Parker likes talking with Bruce Willis so much, that she agrees to go out with him in a couple of weeks when he’s going to be in the city where she lives. Just to review, Mary Louise Parker just committed to a night on the town with a guy she’s never laid eyes on, based on chats on a government hotline. Fun fact, in the backstory for Mary Louise Parker’s character she was voted in high school “Most Likely to Put the Lotion in the Basket or It Gets the Hose.”

Anyway, Bruce Willis’s love life is perking up, so he goes out and puts some Christmas decorations in front of his house. Well, and because it’s Christmas too. Although I think it would be kind of cool if people kept their Christmas decorations up all year long, so you could use them to let people know what moods you are feeling. Is your favorite show going to be on TV that night? Turn the lights on your house on. If your favorite team wins a big game in sports? Turn on that electric waving Santa Claus on the front lawn. If you get a raise at work, and then a text from your sweet baboo telling you they want to fix you a romantic dinner, and afterwards do that thing that is illegal in Alabama, Mississippi, and Utah? Hot damn, we’re firing up the 500 watt Baby Jesus on top of the roof tonight! What? Yes, my Christmas decorations are still up. What’s your point?

If you’re thinking that things in this action movie don’t seem very actiony, don’t worry, because in the next scene a bunch of goons with ski-masks and guns that see around corners break into Bruce Willis’s house in the middle of the night. Yay for improbable plot points! You just make action movies better!

These goons are obviously up to no good, but not to worry, because when they open the door to the kitchen Bruce Willis gives them each a full daily recommended allowance of whoop ass.

But Brucie isn’t done yet. He grabs some of the bullets out of one of the goon’s guns and heats them up in a frying pan on the stove. Then he goes down to his basement and begins digging a hole in the floor.

Eventually the bullets in the pan get heated up enough to start exploding. It turns out there a bunch more goons outside, and this gets them to shoot the poop out of all of those brand new Christmas decorations Bruce Willis bought. After plastic Santa gets set to the big WalMart in the sky, the goons head inside to see how many times they’ve shot Bruce Willis.

Speaking of Bruce Willis, he is just about all the way through a rousing version of John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man, and digs up his buried treasure, which turns out to be a gun.

What? Why would Bruce Willis go dig up a gun when he had all the guns from the mooks he already whooped on? Listen here, Lefty McPaysAttentionTooMuch, I don’t know about you, but I for one am proud to live in a country where tiny fictional characters have the God given right to bury guns in their basement on the offhand chance that someday they will be attacked by ski-mask wearing goons. And if you think for a second that I am going to let you bad mouth the United States of…What? No, I have no frigging idea why he did that either.

Okay, Bruce Willis shoots the new goons in a variety of entertaining ways, until his house is completely goonless. Bruce Willis gets ready to take his act on the road, because you know his home owners’ association is going to give him major crap over those shot up Christmas decorations on his lawn. Oh, and there is obviously some shadowy organization out to get him, hence the mooks.

When we last we see of Bruce Willis in the scene, he has a look of tired resignation on his face. Much like I sure he has whenever he spends time with his kids at the holidays and Ashton Kutcher corners him saying for the umpteenth time, “Bromigo, pull my finger. It’s gonna to be awesome.”

I am so tired of being “punked”

We then cut to Saint Louis. Why? Because that is where Mary Louise Parker lives, and we want to check up on what she is doing. Also Bruce Willis drove there, so we are kind of stuck. Point of view characters can be a bitch.

It turns out Mary Louise Parker is coming back from a date, and it didn’t go so good. Her date didn’t have a job, lived in his mom’s basement and thought he should be invited up to her place for a little something something because he paid for dinner.

What a loser. But then again, you know what that loser didn’t do? Break into her apartment, clean it up, and then tell her she needed to come with him because spies were going to kill her because she had been talking to him. Then Lives With Mom Guy didn’t gag her with ducktape, and kidnap her when she didn’t immediately buy into his conspiracy theory. Those are all the things Bruce Willis did, and that’s why he got the girl. Well mainly because of those last two reasons, but seeing as they constitute a major felony, lets never, ever, ever, try to use this as a dating strategy, okay?

For the good of the plot, Bruce Willis drives down to New Orleans and leaves Mary Louise Parker tied to a headboard in a cheap motel. This can’t be said often enough, I so want to thank my high school guidance councilor for getting me off of the chambermaid career tract.

Bruce Willis heads out to an old folks’ home to hook up with his old buddy Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman used too be a spy, but now a days he devotes his time to having cancer and sexually harassing the nursing staff.

Bruce Willis brought a bag of fingers with him (don’t ask), and Morgan Freeman goes off camera, reads the script and then comes back and tells Mr Peanut that the goons who killed his Santa Claus also killed a reporter in New York City.

Now that the plot can keep sputtering along Bruce makes a bee-line for the exit and tells Morgan Freeman to take care of himself. Dude, he’s got stage 4 cancer. You’re setting him up for failure.

We cut away from the stars of the movie to a CIA badass hitman who is talking to his wife about their kids on his cell phone as he plants evidence at some fancy house where he is going to kill some guy. It’s called multitasking people and it’s how you parent in our modern age. I don’t even want to think about what this guy has to do to make it to a school play.

Oh, and you might recognize that CIA badass hitman as Karl Urban who was in such projects as Xena: Warrior Princess, The Chronicles of Reddick, and that last Star Trek movie. By the way, if you saw Karl Urban and immediately said, “hey, that’s Karl Urban,” you’re a better man then I am Gunga Din, because I had to go look up this goof on Wikipedia. FYI for you youngsters out there, just get ready for in your 40′s when the co-stars in movies all the time will suddenly be “What’s-his-name,” and that new song you like on the radio was put out by “Whose-their-faces.”

Anyway, CIA-Badass comes outside and this woman who looks like a younger, grouchier, but smarter version of Talia Shier gives him his next job. He’s supposed to kill Bruce Willis. Seeing as Bruce is the star of the movie I can’t fault their logic. Oh, and just to make things interesting, Not Talia Shier tells CIA Badass that Bruce Willis is not a fellow badaass, but some guy who sat behind a desk for all his time with the CIA.

Well that will set CIA-Badass up for success. Sadly they don’t have the deleted scene on the DVD where Not Talia Shier goes home and tells her kid that 90 percent of your score on the SATs is based on an interpretive dance.

CIA-Badass takes off on a private jet, and immediately figures out that Bruce Willis is warm for Mary Louise Parker’s form. Wow, it’s a good thing Bruce Willis took her with him to New Orleans. There is no way CIA- Badass will find her now.

Well, unless Mary Louise Parker got untied, and called the cops. Oh, and unless that information immediately popped up on CIA-Badass’s computer so he could wing it straight to the Big Easy. Which for the good of the plot is exactly what happens. It’s rather ironic that Bruce Willis is a super spy who is about to be undone by a shoddy headboard in a cheap motel. That’s something you would expect more to happen to a US Senator who was big into family values.

So Mary Louise Parker is talking with the police, and everything is going well. Except for the goon who puts the snatch on her and jabs her full of goofy juice. Now your first thought might be “my god, is Mary Louise Parker like the Arc of the Covenant for stalkers?” But not to worry, that goon works for CIA-Badass, so this kidnapping of her is strictly professional.

Oh, and double not to worry, because Bruce Willis shows up and drops that nameless goon, well like a nameless goon in an action movie.

Mary Louise Parker starts to finally think Bruce Willis may not be a stalker, but thanks to that shot she is on the dope, so it doesn’t really count.

This is right when the CIA- Badass shows up in a black SUV and starts shooting at the police car Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker are riding in. What? How did the CIA Bad-Ass who was flying over what was probably Ohio two minutes ago show up in New Orleans? you’re obviously not familiar with ludicrous speed, are you? Listen, just because something doesn’t exist, doesn’t mean it’s not real. Oh wait. Crap.

Not to worry about that CIA Badass, because Bruce Willis puts his car into a spin, and then in mid-spin steps out of his car so he can shoot at the CIA-Badass. That squealing sound you hear in the distance is the ghost of Sir Isaac Newton, because the Laws of Physics just got seriously rump rogered in this scene.

The CIA-Bad-Ass backs off, because it obvious that Bruce Willis has a Matrix like control of this space/time continuum. This gives Bruce Willis the chance to get on the police radio in his police car and put out an APB on the CIA-Badass, so that joker gets up getting arrested by the local fuzz.

In between when the camera cuts out of that scene and when we cut back to Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker, they are in a car and pulling into New York City to talk with the mother of reporter who got killed by the goons who killed Bruce Willis’s plastic Santa.

Now Mary Louise Parker gets the dead reporter’s mom to give them their next clue by lying her ass off about being BFFs with the dead reporter, and that sounds pretty terrible, right? Well it does, until you put it up to Bruce Willis’s plan which involved ducktape and kidnapping. You know, if Bruce Willis was driving a white panel van and had a pair of handcuffs this would stop being a movie and officially become a Dateline Mysteries segment.

Speaking of Dateline Mysteries, do you know that one guy, Chris Hansen? The only person allowed on TV who can look like an asshole standing next to a pedophile who just got caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar? Anyway, The National Enquirer allegedly caught him cheating on his wife while in Florida by using a hidden camera. I saw the segment he was working on when he supposedly got his yayas out, and the kid who maybe allegedly killed his dad’s best friend? He had the narrowest fucking forehead I’ve ever seen in my life without going into a carnival tent. What? Were we talking about a movie? Oh crap, my bad.

So Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker get enough exposition to keep the plot chugging along and make a bee-line out of the Big Apple.

While our stars are taking another boring car trip, we cut back to CIA-Badass, who goes in and tells Not Talia Shier that if she wants Bruce Willis dead, she better let him in on the real info, the straight dope, the skinny, and any other out of date slang for the facts that I can’t think of right now.

Not Talia Shier sends CIA-Badass to this super duper Duper secret CIA archive and holy crap Ernest Borgnine is still alive! I thought he died ages ago, but not only is he alive and kicking, but aside from the white hair he actually looks younger then he did on McHale’s Navy. Man, black and white TV made everyone on it look like they had a serious stake in Medicare no matter how old they were.

Ernest Borgnine gives CIA-Bad-Ass Bruce Willis’s file, and pretty much the entire thing is blacked out because Bruce Willis is the monster bad-ass of all monster bad-asses.

What? Yes, I know that there are lawn gnomes taller then the man, but this is fiction, made up, spurious, and not in any way shape or form real. If it was real, this would be a documentary and Ken Burns would be trying to make us cry.

Also, Bruce Willis’s file is marked RED and Ernest Borgnine explains that stands for Retired, Extremely Dangerous. It’s always good to work the title into the movie. Even if you wait for the 34 minute mark.

Now that we know Ernest Borgnine is still alive and living in a vault at the CIA (you know if that last part was actually true Ernest Borgnine being alive would kind of make sense), we cut back to Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker who have traveled all the way to the Everglades to get another co-star into the movie. They head to the swamps to hook up with a guy Bruce Willis knows who was on that list that the dead lady reporter had.

Fun fact, that’s not a costume, that’s what John wore to the set that day

Hmmm, the guy lives in a swamp? That sounds a little crazy. We see Bruce Willis’s buddy pop out of the bushes and it’s John Malkovich. Yep, he’s crazy. He was crazy in Mary Reilly, crazy in Con Air, crazy in Ripely’s Game, and he was out of his freaking tree as the voice of Santa in Santabear’s High Flying Adventure. Okay, that last one is just my opinion, but generally speaking when you see John Malkovich in a movie his character is probably off his meds.

And this guy is. It turns out that John Malkovich thinks he was part of a secret government program where they gave him a ton of acid to be a Manchurian Candidate government killer. The only thing is Bruce Willis tells Mary Lousie Parker that John Malkovich really was in a secret government program where they gave him a ton of acid to be a Manchurian Candidate government killer. So that doesn’t make him crazy. However, being John Malkovich means that he’s out of his freaking tree.

Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker give John Malkovich a quick pep talk on how everyone is out to get them, and John Malkovich tells them that everyone who was on their dead reporter’s list was on this mission in Central America back in the 80′s. Then Johnny Boy goes to pack his stuffed pig so this can be more then just a cameo for him in IMDb.

The gang heads off to an airport to talk to guy who was a pilot during this super secret hush hush mission. But first John Malkovich has to shove a magnum that is the size of the apartment I shared with three other guys in college into the face of a dumpy woman, and accuse her of taking his picture with a hidden camera. It turns out John is being a little divaish because the lady doesn’t have a hidden camera. Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker get John Malkovich not to kill the lady, but it’s nice that John was able to work a little crazy into the scene.

The gang finds the pilot, and it turns out he’s the bad guy from 48 hours, and he tells them all about that secret mission back in Central America. Well he starts to, but he gets shot because CIA-Badass has sent a helicopter to shoot at the stars of the picture.

The gang ends up running through a bunch of shipping containers as they try to escape, and goons are shooting at them left and right. It turns out that stuffed pig John Malkovich has been carrying around is actually stuffed with a grenade launcher.

Bruce Willis Blows up a couple of mooks and we’re walking, we’re walking. Right up until they run into that woman who John Malkovich said was following them. Now she’s got a rocket launcher and she wants to blow them up.

Okay, now I get it. John Malkovich is a crazy paranoid, but everyone really does want to kill them. That’s really ironic. Or incredibly lazy. What the heck, I’m in a good mood, let’s call it both.

That woman with the rocket launcher misses, but John Malkovich doesn’t shoot her. I mean what kind of world where you could just shoot dumpy women on sight? Jillian Michaels dream world? Good point, but it has nothing to do with this movie.

John Malkovich waits for Rocket Launcher Woman to shoot at them again, and then he shoots the rocket in mid-flight making it explode backwards and taking out our big boned rocket launcher girl.

Oh, and at this point the Laws of Physics are just whimpering in the corner. I have a feeling by the end of the movie the only way they will be able to communicate is with anatomically correct dolls.

So seeing as the scene is now mookless, our plucky heroes road trip it out of town. Later that night John Malkovich tells Bruce Willis that he and Mary Louise Parker are a cure couple, and seeing as they are out of the ducktape stage of their relationship he’s kind of got a point. He also says they are all probably going to get killed soon. Sounds like somebody is making early excuses for not buying a wedding present to me.

Our heroes roll into Washington DC. It turns out that if they want to find out why the CIA is trying to kill them, then they are just going to have to break into the CIA’s headquarters. We don’t get too much time to mull over the logic of this statement, because Bruce Willis heads straight to the Russian Embassy to talk with this old KGB guy who used to be a Commie badass back in the day.

After they get the remember back when we had our own hair and teeth part of the conversation out of the way, Bruce Willis cuts to the chase and tells Old Commie Badass that he needs a way to get into the CIA headquarters. Now this request struck me as a little strange, because if the commies could just waltz into CIA headquarters anytime they wanted to, they probably would have won the Cold War.

So the next thing we see are Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker sneaking into the CIA headquarters. Okay, apparently the prize for winning the Cold War was getting to be the go-to destination for the Rocco’s Anal Adventures movies. You learn something new everyday.

So Bruce Willis is dressed up like a general and he goes wandering down the hall while Mary Louise Parker gets to go to the cafeteria and be shocked by the price of a tiny bag of Funions in the vending machine, Bruce Willis checks in with Ernest Borgnine and gets their next clue.

Now, you might be thinking that seeing as Bruce Willis and Mary Louise Parker having what they want would now they could just waltz right out of the CIA headquarters with no one ever being the wiser. Luckily for those of us with ADD Bruce Willis’s character is sorely lacking in common sense.

Bruce Willis heads over to CIA-Badass’s office and they get into some serious fisticuffs. We’ll call the fight kind of a draw. I mean, CIA-Bad-Ass shoots Bruce Willis, but Bruce Willis is able to lock CIA-Badass in his office long enough to get away.

Bruce Willis: Left foot, green spot

Karl Urban: Are you sure we don’t need a mat to play Twister? I’m pretty sure we need a mat.

Bruce Willis dresses up as a fireman (don’t ask), and he and Mary Louise Parker are able to get out of the building. John Malkovich is waiting for them in an ambulance, which is good. Too bad there is someone in the ambulance with a gun, which is bad. The guy with the gun is Morgan Freeman, which is good, unless your realism bone is acting up again, and then it’s bad.

You see, when we last saw Morgan Freeman in the movie, some mook with a gun showed up in his room and was all set to shoot him. The camera cut away before Morgan Freeman got shot, but he looked like a goner.

Now, we get a quick little flashback to see the clever way Morgan Freeman was able to escape his certain death. Morgan Freeman turned around in his chair, and shot the mook. That’s it. Well. the mook made an oh crap face, but according to this scene somewhere in the world there are assassins who don’t have the reactions of cancer patients in their 70′s. My theory is that the mook was somebody’s nephew.

Then again, who cares? It’s Morgan flipping Freeman. Red from Shawshank, Hoak from Driving Miss Daisy, Nelson Mandella from that movie where we had to pretend Matt Damon was big enough to play rugby. Who wouldn’t want this guy in their movie?

Now that we’ve gotten Morgan Freeman out of his trailer, we need to take care of that bullet hole in Bruce Willis. It just so happens that another old spy buddy of Bruce Willis’s lives near by, and she just happens to be played by Helen Mirren, and this gives us the prefect excuse to get our last co-star in the movie, so the gang drives out to Helen Mirren’s house.

Helen Mirren is a retired spy, and she is living a sort of low key Martha Stewart lifestyle with flower arranging and baking taking up most of her day. Although it’s a little different from Martha Stewart Living, because she always seems to have a submachine gun within arms length…No, now that I think about it, it sounds pretty much like straight up Martha to me.

Helen Mirren patches up Bruce Willis’s boo-boo, and tells him that she thinks that Bruce and Mary Louise Parker make a great couple. I still think that’s because Mary Louise Parker doesn’t have ducktape wrapped over her mouth, but I’m cynical about stuff like that.

Bruce Willis gets all the stars of the movie in the same room and tells them they need to talk to this big defense contractor guy who was with the CIA back when this whole secret mission thing was happening to find out who was on that plane in Central America. Helen Mirren signs on because it advances the plot, and also she has been kind of bored since she retired, and has been taking contracts to kill people on the side to fight the boredom.

Now this may sound a little psychopathic to you, but I don’t have a problem with it, because it involves Helen Mirren. Look I don’t now about you, but there is just something in the way Helen Mirren carries herself that always makes me want to give her the benefit of the doubt in any situation. I think it’s because she comes off as so poised that deep down I know she craps pure elegance. Did you see The Queen? Helen Mirren made the Queen of freaking England actually look more classy then she really is.

I’m sorry but the woman can do no wrong in my book. In fact if I was ever in Bangkok and saw Helen Mirren putting on a ping pong ball act, I would come away at the end feeling enlightened. But that’s just me.

Anyway, the stars of the movie all decide moving on to the next scene is a good idea, so that’s where we go.

The gang pulls up at the Defense Contractor’s house, and when they get out John Malkovich looks like he’s back on his meds, Morgan Freeman is wearing a military uniform that makes him look like the doorman to pimp heaven, and Bruce Willis is wearing this top coat and big hat that makes him look like he is on mission to find moose and squirrel.

When they go inside the defense contractor’s house they find out he’s Richard Dreyfuss.

Richard Dreyfuss turns on this tape recording of him giving a boring speech and then invites Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis into a secret sound proof room because he thinks they are there to buy weapons for some super bad African dictatorship.

It’s a good thing for the plot they he invited Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis into the sound proof room, because CIA-Badass has bugged Richard Dreyfuss’s house and surrounded it with FBI agents because he knows Bruce Willis is going to want to talk with Richard Dreyfuss.

Not to worry, because Helen Mirren is out in the woods with a high powered rifle keeping an eye on the G-Men. Oh, and Mary Louise Parker is with her so they can have a little girl time together.

Back inside the house, John Malkovich takes care of Richard Dreyfuss’s goons off camera. and then our heroes get to work advancing the plot. once they explain why there are there Richard Dreyfuss tells them his job on that hush-hush mission was to bring out a CIA agent from some village in Nicaragua. Oh, and that CIA agent went nuts and killed a whole bunch of villagers. Double oh, and that CIA agent is now Vice-President of the USA. And finally triple oh, because the Vice President is running to be elected the next president and is probably going to win.

As our stars chew on this information Richard Dreyfuss proceeds to act like a real a-hole and keep yelping about how he’s “a bad guy” in a very annoying tone of voice, until somebody gives him a rap in the tatter and knocks him out.

Personally I don’t know if the pop to the noggin was the best way to handle that situation. On the one hand Richard Dreyfuess was begging for a trip to concussion land, but on the other hand he acted pretty much the same way through all of The Goodbye Girl, and we gave him an Academy Award. So, I think we already let the cow out of the barn on this one.

Right then the script calls for Richard Dreyfuss’s tape recording that was fooling the FBI to begin skipping, and wouldn’t you know it, but that is what exactly what happens. CIA-Badass notices that there are serious monkey shines going on in Richard Dreyfuss’s house, so he gets on the phone and promises Bruce Willis that if he surrenders himself, CIA-Badass will take him alive and give Bruce Willis the chance to tell his side of the story, because CIA-Badass is starting to suspect that Bruce Willis might be getting screwed.

Helen Mirren comes on the radio and tells Bruce Willis that there are too many FBI guys around the building for them to get out of there alive. Well, unless somebody were to go out the front door and probably get shot. Somebody maybe with terminal cancer, and who didn’t check Caucasian on their job application. Hmmm, if only there was somebody like that around?

Bruce Willis tells CIA-Badass that he’s coming out, and we cut to somebody all bundled up in Bruce Willis’s overcoat and big hat, and sure enough they get shot two steps out of the door.

CIA-Badass is pissed that somebody shot Bruce Willis, and runs up to see if Brucie is okay. Only it’s not Bruce Willis, it’s Morgan Freeman. The black guy with cancer who wasn’t the lead of the movie.

(Look, maybe I’m being a little racially sensitive, but ever since I saw the operation stand behind the darkie scene in the South Park movie things like this stand out to me.)

Anyway, thanks to Morgan Freeman’s noble sacrifice, Bruce Willis and John Malkovich are able to slip out the side of the house.

We cut back to Helen Mirren and Mary Louise Parker who had a little girl talk earlier about how Helen Mirren thinks MLP and Bruce Willis are a cute couple, and how hard it is to be a spy and be in love. This is when Hellen Mirren mentions that she was in love once, but she ended up having to shoot the guy to prove she was loyal to her side. Bummer. Then Helen Mirren starts shooting at a bunch of FBI guys, but I don’t think it means they’re involved.

So Bruce Willis and John Malkovich make it out of the scene, and the girls are just about to escape when MLP steps on a plot point patch of ice, and goes slding down the hill where she is captured by the FBI Guys. There are too many FBI guys for Helen to shoot, so she exits stage left, and we head into the third act.

At this point in the movie Mary Louise Parker is in a pretty bad situation, because the CIA goons are probably going to start torturing her to fine out what Bruce Willis is up to as soon as they get back to their not so impenetrable fortress.

This is extra bad for Mary Louise Parker, because she really doesn’t know anything. So far in the movie her jobs have been to have a cute sensitive smile, and to serve as the brake to Bruce Willis’s ducktaping and kidnapping gas pedal. Now up to this point in the movie shes’ excelled at both tasks, but I think when the bad guys hook MLP up to a car battery and light up her naughty parts like a pinball machine, that telling them to keep an eye on Aisle 4 at Home Depot is going to get them to turn off the go-go juice.

Luckily for the plot Bruce Willis is on the case. He gets on the phone and jaw jacks with CIA-Badass long enough for the CIA to track where he’s calling from, AND HE’S INSIDE CIA-BAD-ASS’S HOUSE!!

Now that we’ve ripped off the climax to about 100 bad horror movies, CIA-Badass makes a beeline to his house and finds out his family is perfectly fine. Bruce Willis gives CIA-Badass another phone call and lets him know that if anything bad happens to Mary Louise Parker, well let’s just say Bruce Willis has plenty of ducktape, and leave it at that.

Now that we’ve taken care of that plot loose end, Bruce Willis and the rest of the All Bran Brigade can start planning for the movie’s climactic action sequence. Our heroes decide that seeing as it looks like the Vice President is trying to kill them, they will kidnap him, and trade him for Mary Loise Parker. This is one of those points where you know you are in a movie, because the screenwriter is working under the assumption that not only do people know who the Vice-President is, but that they are willing to trade to get him back. Anyway, on to the next scene.

Honestly, how many Kit Kat bars do you think Obama would trade to get this guy back?

We cut to this fundraising dinner they are having for the Vice-President, and I think it’s supposed to be supper ritzy, but it just looks like they were running out of money towards the end of filming, because it looks like they are in a meeting space at a La Quinta Inn. Also, all of the fat cat extras look like they were bused in fron Bushwood Country Club, but shoot I guess the producers are doing their best. Besides, I think the Fiber One budget on this picture had to be through the roof.

Okay, so what are the good guys up to? Well John Malkovich is dressed as a busboy, and nobody is giving him a second look even though he looks slightly deranged and well over 60.  Hey, I guess as long as the butter and water keeps coming it will all be good.

Or in this case maybe extra good, because John Malkovich slips Helen Mirren a gun after she passes through some metal detectors. Now that’s service. I hope you’re paying attention Olive Garden. On second thought I just remembered what the clientele looks like at The Olive Garden (translation, a lot like me), just stick to bread sticks and whatever is unlimited this week.

Everyone is mingling for before dinner, and Helen Mirren just happens to run into Old-Commie-Badass, and he whisks her out on to the dance floor. Do you remember when she was telling Mary Louise Parker about having to shot the man she was in love with to prove she was loyal to her organization? Well if you don’t, I just reminded you. Anyway, it turns out the love of her life was Old-Commie-Badass. As they dance, Old-Commie-Badass tells Helen Mirren he always knew she loved him because when she shot him, she didn’t kill him. Wow, somebody is easy to please, huh? Anyway, with that bit of back story know in the movie, we get on with kidnapping the Vice-President.

When the Vice-President, who just happens to be that one doctor from Nip/Tuck, no. the other one who’s good looking, gets up to give his speech. While he’s yaking Helen Mirren heads out of the room and shoots a secret service agent who won’t let her go to the bathroom. Oh wait, she wanted to chain and padlock the doors. Okay, that shooting makes more sense now. Although, when you gotta go, you gotta go.  Helen Mirren then exits stage left, but we don’t see if it’s to the bathroom.

Back at the Vice-President’s speech Old-Commie-Badass in walking around the side of the room with this this shiny tube waving it around, and then about half way through the Vice-President’s speech he starts shouting, “Gas! Gas!!”

This is the point where I resist making a cheap joke about serving deviled eggs as an appetizer, and fail miserably.

The Secret Service hustles the Vice-President out of the room, but they can’t get him out of the building because Helen Mirren padlocked the doors. The Secret Service hustles the VP up some stairs and heads for the parking garage when a limo will be waiting for them.

Well, it was, but Helen Mirren is shooting this big ass machine gun that turns the limo into a lovely planter. There’s no way the Secret Service is getting the VP out this way. Some of the Secret Service Agents sneak over to shoot Helen Mirren, while the rest take the Vice-President back into the hotel to try to find a way out the kitchen.

Too bad for them for them John Malkovich and Helen Mirren are waiting for them. Yeah, it turns out that after Helen Mirren shot up the limo, she rigged the machine gun to keep firing. The Secret Service guys who were trying to sneak up on Helen Mirren get to stand around with who farted looks and we cut back to Helen Mirren and John Malkovich shooting at the Secret Service guys still guarding the Vice-President. Some of the Secret Service guys hang back to shoot at our heroes, and like two guys keep pushing the VP towards a door.

Helen Mirren comments that the Secret Service seems to have turned into a bunch of wussy boys since they’ve retired. This is right when she gets shot. She’s in pretty bad shape and isn’t going to be able to move on her own. She tells John Malkovich to leave her behind, and he does. Okay, he looks really sorry before he does it.

Helen Mirren looks like she is now either going to get killed or captured, which right when Old-Commie-Badass shows up and carries her away to safety. Just for the record ladies, Old-Commie-Badass is the kind of guy you can shoot in the chest, and 20 years later he will come back and save you when you get shot by the Secret Service. I think that’s what you would call a keeper. Or a doormat. Either way, Helen Mirren exits stage left.

We cut to the Secret Service agents who have finally gotten the Vice-President out of the building. Their only problem is that John Malkovich is waiting for them. Oh, and he’s wearing a poop ton of dynamite strapped to his chest and a Flava Flave clock.

John Malkovitch starts screaming and running towards the Secret Service agents, who start running away so they don’t get blown up. This also right where I had the idea for my newest most awesome reality show ever, Can You Run Faster Then Teddy KGB? It’s going to be a huge mess.

Luckily a limo shows up and the Vice President is able to get away. Then again, it’s being driven by Bruce Willis, so this whole bit is officially going in the books as not a good night for the Secret Service.

Bruce Willis gets on his cell phone, so he can trade the VP for his sweet baboo, and the movie takes one more tiny step towards finally ending.

Things are looking good for Bruce Willis, right untilRichard Dreyfuss shows up with a bunch of goons. It turns out the Vice-President wasn’t the guy who was out to get Bruce Willis. It was Richard Dreyfuss, who had been blackmailing the Vice-President for years to do whatever underhanded thing Richard Dreyfuss wanted the Vice-President to do.

Well the good news for the Vice-President is that Richard Dreyfuss decides to stop blackmailing him. The bad news for the Vice-President is that Richard Dreyfuss kills him, so he can frame Bruce Willis for the crime.

Richard Dreyfuss tells CIA-Badass that if he kills Bruce Willis, Richard Dreyfuss will make sure he gets to be head of the CIA. Too bad for Richard Dreyfuss, CIA-Badass is pretty pissed about how he and Not Talia Shier have been using him for a patsy for the whole movie. Also Richard Dreyfuss has started that whole mooing “I’m a bad guy routine.”

This is why CIA-Badass kills Not Talia Shier, and all the goons. This allows Bruce Willis to step over and crush Richard Dreyfuss’s windpipe, which not only shuts him up but has an added benefit of the bad guy strangling to death.

Now that our movie is bad guy free, CIA-Badass tells Bruce Willis he’ll take care of their dead body problem, and Bruce and company can get on with living happily ever after.

Well, sort of. You see, it turns out that in order to get Commie-Badass’s help to break into the CIA headquarters, Bruce Willis had to promise to do him a favor, but how much trouble could that be?

We cut to Moldavia, where Bruce Willis is pushing John Malkovitch in a wheelbarrow through a field. I should also mention that John Malkovitch is wearing a dress, and it looks like they have a nuclear bomb in the wheelbarrow too. Oh, and did I mention that they are being chased by a bunch of solders with guns? Anyway, on that zany here we go again note, we cut to the final credits.

The End

We’ve got to haul ass to Lollapalooza!

 

There you are, another movie loaded with life lessons. Such as that government hotlines are a great place to meet the love of your life, and if you press 2 you can do it in Spanish. Helen Mirren is one of the few women in the world who can look good firing a heavy machine gun in an evening gown. Just because people are retired doesn’t mean that can still contribute to society. Please note that according to this movie, the seniors’ contributions will consist of acts of mayhem, but if they aren’t watching Judge Joe Brown and eating loose fudge, we’re ahead of the game. Finally, if you really want to sweep that special someone off of their feet, buy a roll of ducktape.

Wait, we already said that was bad, so forget about the ducktape. Really, please, I’ve got enough readers whose faces aren’t blurred out on Cops.

Anyway, if you’ve got a couple of hours to waste, this movie wouldn’t be a bad choice.

Thanks for stopping by.