Trashback: An American Intervention

Hi America, good to see you. How have you been? Great, great, okay, can we sit down? Oh man this isn’t going to be easy. Look, I think you might have a problem America, so just make the jump, because we need to talk.

Look, I’m sorry we haven’t talked in awhile, that’s my fault for not staying in touch, but lately I’ve been reading about you on the internet America, and I’m really worried about you. A couple of weeks ago you went out and made a Jerry Bruckheimer movie the number one movie in America. Now normally there isn’t anything the matter with that. Hell we’ve been doing it every summer in America for decades. It’s a lot of fun, and it’s made this country what it is today.

The problem we have America is you just gave Jerry Bruckheimer 31 million dollars for G-Force, a movie about CGI guinea pigs. Yeah, America, you shelled out 10 bucks a head for a movie where Jon Favreau does the voice of a flatulent hamster. Look I hate to throw around fancy schamancy psychological terms, but that is textbook f**ked-in-the-noggin behavior, so it looks like I am forced to be the one to tell you America that what you are doing has stopped being fun, and now it’s just sad.

Now America, my first thought was to get you into rehab, but we can’t fit all 300 million of you into Promises, and besides, do you really want to spend 28 days with Andy Dick and whichever Olsen Twin is suffering from exhaustion that month? Of course you don’t, nobody does. That’s why we’re going to go the HMO route, and fix this problem with a good talking to (hey, if it works for type II diabetes, it will work for this) about the appropriate Jerry Bruckheimer movies to shower him with money for, so let’s go back to 1996 and The Rock when things were good and you all weren’t mental.

Just to get all on the same page before we go any further, let’s go over Jerry Bruckheimer’s Job. Jerry is a big time movie producer which is a very important job.

You see everyone working on a movie has a job. The actors act, the director directs, the writer writes, and the cameraman cameras; well you get the idea, but there is person who has an even more important job then any of the ones I mentioned.

The most important person in a movie is the producer. The producer gets the writer to do re-writes until a heartfelt film about reading to blind kids becomes a blockbuster movie about Amazon stripper ninjas. The producer get the director to use that USC film school education to come up with a mind blowing Amazon Ninja pole dance scene, and the producer is not only able to convince the female lead that this project requires nudity, but gets her into the plastic surgeon for “a little work.” If we were to compare a movie producer to a body part, the producer would be the colon, and today’s movie was produced by the king of all colons, Jerry Bruckheimer. Now let’s take a look at a movie where Jerry is hitting on all cylinders, and when you see it I don’t have to pretend I’m Canadian afterwards.

Okay, our movie starts with a whole bunch of stuff going on. Ed Harris is getting into his dress blues and smoking a stogie. A helicopter is flying into and out of the sun while we hear military radio chatter in the background, and a bunch of Marines are doing a military funeral. Oh, and did I mention it’s all in slow motion, and all this stuff is happening at the same time?

What’s that? This doesn’t make any sense? Well of course it doesn’t. You see this would be a good time to mention the director Jerry got for this movie, Michael Bay. Yep, this movie is directed by the man America counts on when it wants to look at giant robots and Megan Fox’s hiney, so nothing is going to make a lick of sense, but it’s all going to look Gor-Geous.

Anyway, Eddie is talking to a headstone which we are assuming is over his wife who just passed away. Eddie is rambling on about how now that his wife is gone he can do something he’d needed to do for a long time but couldn’t while she was still alive, and the puts his Medal of Honor on the headstone and walks away in the rain. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m really hoping this thing he needs to do but couldn’t while she was around doesn’t involve driving to the airport to pick up his 18-year-old Russian mail order bride.

We cut to a scene of a bunch of military dudes sneaking into a military base with zip lines and taking out guards with tranquilizer guns and the occasional use of good old fashioned fisticuffs. While this is going on Ed Harris shows up with John C. McGinley, who plays Doctor Cox on Scrubs. It turns out Ed Harris is this big deal Marine general and he is there for a surprise security inspection. Seeing as the place is being overrun by big buff military dudes I’m guessing Ed Harris isn’t going to be too happy.

Only he is happy. Mainly because the big buff military dudes are working for him. You see Ed Harris is there to steal some serious kickass biological weapons. Ed Harris’s guys take over the base and go to open up the room where they keep the super serious kickass biological weapons. We know these biological weapons are the real deal because the room they are kept in is full of smoke and blue neon light. It’s a little known fact but all real kickass biological weapons are kept in rooms that look like high end strip clubs.

Ed Harris’s guys start raiding the Spearmint Rhino for all sorts of goodies, like rockets and these big tubes. What’s in the big tubes? Good question and we find out when one of the big buff military dudes gets a case of the clumsies and drops one of the tubes. This big string of big green Super Balls slides out of the tube, and then one of the Super Balls breaks off, rolls across the room and pops.

This big Marine dude, who was Boomer on Saint Elsewhere has them close the door to the stripper room and locks the clumsy big buff military dude in the room with the cloud of gas that came out of the big green Super Ball. We get to watch the clumsy big buff military dude have all the skin melt off of his body, which reminds us of a rule everybody should never forget; don’t dick around with Super Balls, a window might get broken or your skin might melt off your body. Boomer, Dr Cox, and Ed Harris decide to call it a night on the weapon stealing gig and exit stage left.

Meanwhile, we meet our hero in this movie, Nicolas Cage. Nicky is a geek at the FBI who knows all sorts of poop about chemical weapons. Now Nick isn’t your average geek as we find out in a scene where they lock him in this little glass room and he gets sprayed with nerve gas, which is okay because he is wearing a spacesuit, but he also gets sprayed with acid that is melting the spacesuit, which as you might have guessed is not okay. Oh, and there is a bomb too that is on a timer and it’s going to explode unless Nicholas Cage can snip the right wire in like 10 seconds. By the way, we know Nicholas Cage is in real trouble in this scene because there is one guy who keeps saying, “we’re f**ked” over and over again just to make sure you don’t forget. By the way, thank you helpful screenwriter for keeping the audience thinking in this movie to the absolute minimum.

Well it turns they aren’t f-ed because right at the last second Nicholas Cage snips the right wire and the air filters come on to suck all the nerve gas out of that little glass room he’s in, and problem sovleded. See, pretty badass for a science type geek.

Nicky gets to knock off early, because that was the last box with a nerve gas bomb in it that they had lying around the office. He heads home and is noodling on his guitar when his cute girlfriend gets home.

Nick’s cute girlfriend asks how his day was, whoo boy, she stepped right into that one, huh? Nicolas Cage goes off on a rant about how the world is a complete poophole and how nobody should have kids, then Nick asks how her day was and she gets to tell him she’s pregnant.

Nicolas Cage is shocked by this news. Yeah, really? Despite the fact his character has gone to all sorts of Ivy League schools and has PhDs up the ying-yang, Nicolas Cage was never able to figure out if he didn’t wrap his doodle in some plastic he could become the proud parent of a child with a receding hairline just like his someday. I blame the parents in these situations.

Nicholas Cage’s cute girlfriend wants talk about getting married and planning for the baby’s future. Well after she and Nicky have sex, because the cow is already out of the barn on that one, right?

This is why they are humping up on the roof when Nicolas Cage gets a phone call that tells him he has to fly to San Francisco right away. His cute girlfriend is kind of ticked because they still haven’t talked about getting married and Nicolas Cage is too polite to point out that with the time it took to string up about 50 Chinese lanterns and light enough candles for a High Easter Mass at the Vatican to set the mood for their little rooftop humpty dance, she and Nicky could have booked a church, picked out a china pattern and hashed out whether Nicky Junior would be allowed to play football in high school. Sadly for Nicolas Cage’s girlfriend and me, I am not too polite to bring up this fact.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter because Nicolas Cage tells her to come to San Francisco. This thing they called him for in the middle of the night has to be a training exercise, so he and his sweet babu can hang out and talk all about their future, and how birth control is totally the woman’s responsibility. Sounds like a good idea, I mean it’s not like Ed Harris and a bunch of rouge Marines are going to take over Alcatraz and threaten to kill everybody in the Bay Area unless they get 100 million dollars, right? That would just be plain silly.

Nicolas Cage gets down to the airport and meets the head of the FBI who is played by the guy who was Leo on The West Wing and finds out Ed Harris and a bunch of rouge Marines have taken over Alcatraz and are threatening to kill everybody in the Bay Area unless they get 100 million dollars, which Ed Harris wants to give to widows and orphans, oh yeah and to his rouge marines too. Oh shazbut, well who could have seen that one coming?

Anyway, when Nicolas Cage gets to San Francisco he finds out they have to have a meeting with this English guy who’s been in prison for like 30 years even though there isn’t any record of him in the system. The English dude was on Alcatraz back in the day and escaped, so he’ll know how we can sneak our team of Navy SEALs into Alcatraz and take out the rouge Marines.

What’s that? You’re saying nobody ever escaped from Alcatraz? Yeah, well Leo from The West Wing says there is, and he advised America’s greatest president, Martin Sheen, so I’m going with Leo on this one. You didn’t do very well in school, did you?

We meet the English guy and holy crap, it’s Sean Connery! Yeah, I bet you’re not going to tell me James Bond couldn’t break out of Alcatraz, now are you? I think you owe Leo from The West Wing an apology.

Nicolas Cage ends up talking to Sean Connery about helping us out with sneaking into Alcatraz because Leo from The West Wing can’t, because of something about Leo holding Sean Connery in prison for over 30 years without a trial; you know, petty stuff. Well Nicky and Seany get along pretty good, mainly because Nicolas Cage gives in to all of Sean Connery’s outrageous demands, starting with getting a ritzy hotel suite so SC can get a haircut.

Sean Connery gets his haircut and his beard trimmed and he looks a lot better. He
looks a lot like he did in Hunt For Red October, only he’s doing a Scottish accent in this movie. Come to think of it, he had one in that movie too. An interesting acting choice considering he was playing a Russian submarine commander.

Anyway, after Sean Connery gets his hair cut, he loops this rope around Leo’s wrist and dangles him over the side of the building. What’s that? Where did Sean Connery get the rope? Why from a dispenser in the shower, where else would he get it? What? No, I am not making this up as I go along.

Nicolas Cage pulls his gun on Sean Connery but can’t shoot him, because it’s James Bond for crying out loud and he’s only been in the movie for 10 minutes. SC ties off the rope with Leo squirming over the side of the building and makes a break for it while all the FBI agents who were supposed to be guarding him but were wolfing down scallops and shrimp cocktails haul Leo from The West Wing back into the building. Nicolas Cage follows him, but Sean Connery punches him in the mouth and steals a Hummer.

A whole bunch of cops and FBI agents chase Sean Connery all over San Francisco and crash into all sorts of things, which is very cool, but Sean Connery ends up giving them the slip.

Well it’s a good thing Nicolas Cage shows up in a canary yellow Ferrari to keep the car chase going. Nicky is doing a pretty good job with the driving, right up until his airbag deploys and he has to get out of his car right before it is squashed by a cable car that got shot by a fireball 20 feet in the air (do me a favor, don’t ask).

Nicolas Cage then steals a motor scooter and figures out that Sean Connery is going to meet his estranged daughter he’s never met before. Nicolas Cage is able to figure this out because he is super duper smart, which we know because he wears a suit and tie and has a receding hairline.

Nicolas Cage arrests Sean Connery while SC is trying to reconcile with his daughter who was conceived after a Led Zeppelin concert this one time when Sean Connery broke out of prison like 20 something years ago. (By the way this is yet another thing in the movie where you’ll be doing me a favor if you don’t ask me to explain it in more detail, so thanks in advance.) Nicolas Cage arrests Sean Connery, but does it in such a way that Sean Connery’s Led Zeppelin love baby doesn’t think her old man is a complete loser, which Sean Connery really appreciates. Nicolas Cage doesn’t really appreciate Sean Connery’s appreciation because he’s a little sore about getting punched in the mouth back at the hotel.

Over at the FBI command post Sean Connery is briefing the SEALs about how to sneak into Alcatraz. It isn’t much of a briefing because SC says his blueprint for Alcatraz is up in his highly wrinkled noggin so he’ll just have to go with the SEALs when they sneak into Alcatraz. Leo from The West Wing is like oh hell no, because Sean Connery will just escape and knock up somebody else at a rock concert again. Too bad the SEAL commander, played by Michael Biehn, decides he’s taking Sean Connery with him. Leo gets a little pissy, but Michael Biehn played a Navy SEAL in The Abyss, and Navy SEALs, so he’s in charge now.

Oh they also take Nicolas Cage along, even though he knows absolutely squat-o about any of that badass military stuff that the SEALs will have to do to sneak into Alcatraz without the rouge Marines catching on. What? Why would they do something that dumb? Well it’s kind of hard to have an action movie if the hero isn’t in the action, isn’t it?

This part of the movie is followed by the SEALs sneaking into the prison, which involves helicopters flying low over the water at night, and guys scuba diving and using bitching underwater sleds at the same time. It’s two of my favorite things together. It’s the movie equivalent of a Reese’s Peanut butter Cup and it is freaking awesome.

Our guys scuba their way into the tunnels of Alcatraz and then Sean Connery does some pretty nifty action stuff for a guy with an AARP card in his pocket. The next thing you know the good guys are right below the showers and about to sneak into the prison and get rid of those pesky badass biological weapon missiles. Michael Biehn tells Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage to stay put and the pros will take it from here, then he and the Navy SEALs go up into the showers and promptly get shot to poop.

Yeah, it turns out that when the rouge marines took over Alcatraz, Doctor Cox from Scrubs put this super sensitive motion detector gizmo in the shower room, which would only come in handy if some Navy SEALs tried sneaking in through the tunnels under the island so they could take out those pesky badass biological weapon missiles. Well that worked out for the best, didn’t it?

So the rouge marines are waiting for the Navy SEALs when they sneak into the shower room. Ed Harris starts yelling for the SEALs to throw do their guns because he doesn’t want to have to shoot them, and Michael Biehn is yelling for the rouge marines to throw down their guns because he doesn’t want to shoot them either. Uh oh, it likes we are in danger of having people resolve their problems without resorting to violence, and where is the entertainment in that?

Luckily for the plot Ed Harris didn’t just bring TV doctors with him when he took over the island. He also brought this big creepy guy, and this little squirrelly looking Howdy Doody dude with him, and they can’t wait to shoot somebody. Somebody leans against a wall and some bricks fall on the floor, and one of the Navy SEALs starts shooting and then these two jokers go to town and the rest of the rouge marines start shooting even though Ed Harris is yelling at them not to, and before you know it this movie is all out of Navy SEALs.

One of the Navy SEALs who gets the poop shot of him falls down in the hole to the sewers where Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery are sitting. This gives Sean Connery the opportunity to take the Navy SEAL’s machinegun, and Nicolas Cage to take the guy’s radio so he can get bitched out by Leo from The West Wing because Sean Connery now has a machinegun. Personally I think Sean Connery got the best of that particular deal, but that is just me.

Nicolas Cage catches up with Sean Connery and has to talk him in to coming with him to get rid of those pesky missiles. At first Sean Connery just wants to bag it and swim back to San Francisco so he can hang out with his Led Zeppelin love baby, but Nicolas Cage lets him in on the fact that Ed Harris has some super badass biological weapons in his little missiles which means the Led Zeppelin love baby is in danger. Sean Connery still isn’t keen to get with the program but something happens to change his mind.

Ed Harris and Doctor Cox from Scrubs find the dead SEAL and see he’s missing a radio and a machinegun so they know there are still good guys wandering around in the sewers.

They toss a bomb down into the sewers, and well, do you remember that Indiana Jones movie that Sean Connery was in with Harrison Ford? And do you remember the part where the bad guys throw a bomb down into the sewers that makes a big CGI fireball that Sean Connery and Harrison Ford have to dive under the water to keep from getting burned by it? Well this bomb works exactly the same way, only it’s in sewers under Alcatraz instead of sewers under Venice and the bomb gets tossed by rouge marines instead of gosh darned Nazis, which makes it completely different. Or at least completely different enough to keep Jerry Bruckheimer and the screenwriters from getting sued by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, so everything works out for the best.

Anyhow, almost getting blown up in homage to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is just the kick in the pants to get Sean Connery back on board with saving the day, so he and Nicolas Cage head over to the morgue take out some rockets.
When they get to the morgue Sean Connery shoots the bad guys and Nicolas Cage messes with the rockets so they won’t fly. Awwww, it’s great to see these guys working so well together.

Well we don’t get to see it for very long because Ed Harris and Doctor Cox show up with their rogue marines and start shooting the poop out of the room. Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage dive out of the way and up riding these little mine cars that run under Alcatraz. They are just like the ones at that Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, only…what’s that? Yes, it’s completely different because these are under Alcatraz. You know you have a real talent for screenwriting, do you have an agent?

Ed Harris sends Doctor Cox and some rouge marines down into the tunnels after Sean Connery. Man, Doctor Cox is shooting the poop out of everything. It’s a good thing he never had a gun on Scrubs or Zach Braff would be a goner. Hmmm. You know the more I look at that last sentence, the harder it is to see a downside. Anyway, on with the show.

Doctor Cox and his rouge marines almost get Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage, but Sean Connery sets Doctor Cox on fire, shoots another guy, and Nicolas Cage shoots a bad guy who is wrestling with Sean Connery, so it looks like our guys are in the clear.
Only they aren’t because Ed Harris gets on the phone and says he’s going to kill a hostage, some guy with a big honker, if whoever is pulling these monkeyshines with the missiles doesn’t turn himself in and bring back all the guidance chips for the rockets they took. Nicolas Cage is all broken up over this news, or slightly constipated, it’s hard to tell.

Sean Connery takes charge of the situation. He busts all the guidance chips so they can’t be used and tells Nicolas Cage to go take out the last three missiles because he’s going to turn himself in. Maybe it’s not the greatest master plan, but James Bond thought it up so it can’t be all bad, right?

Sean Connery turns himself in and Ed Harris is pretty steamed when he finds out Sean Connery busted all the guidance chips, but doesn’t kill him, because he’s not really a bad guy, he’s just a little nutty. Okay, he’s got missiles with badass biological weapons pointed at San Francisco, he’s a lot of nutty, but he was John Glenn in The Right Stuff, so he can’t be all bad.

Meanwhile Nicolas Cage is going after those last three missiles. He takes care of the first one while Sean Connery is chatting with Ed Harris. Well that was easy. Unfortunately he gets taken prisoner right after he takes care of the missile and just like that our heroes are in search of a new master plan.

Ed Harris has the rouge marines lock up Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery. Nicolas Cage uses this time to whine about getting caught. Sean Connery on the other hand escapes from his cell in under a minute and springs Nicolas Cage too because it advances the plot.

Nicolas Cage wants to go get those last two rockets, but Sean Connery doesn’t think they need to because he looked in Ed Harris’s eyes and he can tell he’s not a killer. Right when Sean Connery says this, a missile goes shooting off into the air. Well that worked out well Sean Connery, maybe the next time you should take a guy to dinner at a nice place before you stare into his eyes and try to read his soul? It might work better.

Then again it’s not all Sean Connery’s fault he didn’t know Ed Harris was going to shoot off a missile because he didn’t know that the deadline Ed Harris set for the government to get him his 100 million dollars just expired. Oh and he didn’t know that the squirrelly little Howdy Doody Marine wouldn’t shut up about firing off a missile so Ed Harris fired one off and sent it straight at the Raiders’ game in Oakland. And Sean Connery didn’t know that Ed Harris sent the missile off into the ocean at the last second so nobody got hurt. Anyway, it convinces Sean Connery to go with Nicolas Cage to get those last two missiles and without that we up with a 100 minute movie that doesn’t have a happy ending, so yay!

When Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery get over to Ed Harris’s command post they find out the poop has hit the fan. The little squirrelly Howdy Doody looking marine and the big creepy looking marine are super pissed that Ed Harris didn’t blow up that Raider’s game. Actually the Raiders went 7 and 9 that year; they would have put us out of our misery. The little squirrelly Howdy Doody looking marine and the big creepy looking marine, want that 100 million dollars and if they aren’t going to get it they are going to shoot off that last missile and even if they get the money they might shoot it off any way because they are just that squirrelly and creepy.

They have a big shootout with Ed Harris and Ed Harris and Boomer from Saint Elsewhere get the poop shot out of them. Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery are able to talk with Ed Harris before he dies and he tells them where the last missile is at.
Nicolas Cage hauls ass over to this lighthouse and takes out the guidance system on the last missile, but the big creepy marine shows up and wants to kill Nicolas Cage even though Nicolas Cage is holding one of those long strings of the green Super Balls of death. The big creepy marine makes the mistake of standing in front of the missile, which Nicolas Cage fires, shooting the big creepy marine out of the lighthouse and causing him to get impaled on a fence post. Hey that’s what you get for being big, creepy and an obvious Raider hater.

This is good for Nicolas Cage, but one of the big green Super Balls of death breaks off of the string and if it pops his skin is going to melt off his body which is bad. Nicolas Cage grabs the Super Ball of death right before it falls over the rail which is good. Unfortunately this guy on a roof with a machinegun starts shooting at him, which for those of you keeping score at home is bad. Nicolas Cage manages not to get shot by the machinegun, which is good, but the guy on the roof picks up a sniper rifle and gets Nicolas Cage in his sights and is right about to plug him, which puts us right back at bad. However Sean Connery comes up behind the guy with the sniper rifle and pushes him off the roof and Nicolas Cage is safe which is very good. Unless of course you happened to see Bangkok Dangerous then it was very, very, very, VERY bad.

Nicolas Cage hides that big string of big green Super Balls of death, but puts the last one in his pocket, because hey, you never know when you might need one. Just as soon as Nicky does this the squirrelly little Howdy Doody looking marine shows up and man is he pissed. He starts chasing Nicolas Cage all over the place and they end up making with the fisticuffs in this building. The squirrelly little Howdy Doody looking marine is cleaning Nicolas Cage’s clock, right up until Nicolas Cage shoves that big green Super Ball of death in the guy’s mouth and makes him eat it. Suck it squirrelly little Howdy Doody looking marine.

Nicolas Cage then jams this big needle in his heart to inject some atropine into it to keep from having the skin melt off of his body, and then he goes outside and waves some flares to keep the Air Force jets from dropping their plasma thermite bombs.

What Air force jets? Oh sorry, we didn’t talk about those did we? Yeah, when the SEALS got the poop shot out of them, the bigwigs in Washington decided to send in Air Force jets with plasma thermite bombs to blow up Alcatraz. Oh and if you’ve never heard of plasma thermite bombs, that is only because they are completely made up.

Anyway Nicky waves his flares and the jets don’t blow up the island, but they do drop one bomb, because what is a Michael Bay movie without a super kickass CGI fireball? Nicolas Cage gets blown into the water but Sean Connery pulls him out and hands him a radio so Nicky can talk to his FBI bosses.

Nicolas Cage tells Leo from The West Wing that Sean Connery got vaporized and Leo buys it because he was all set to blow up Alcatraz with make believe bombs so why the hell not?

Sean Connery is so touched by this that he tells Nicolas Cage why he’s been locked up in prison without a trial for so long. It turns out Sean Connery stole J. Edgar Hoover’s super duper secret files that had all of America’s most coolest secrets on them and hid the microfilm right before he got caught. Anyway, he tells Nicolas Cage where he hid the microfilm and then exits stage left to spend some time with his Led Zeppelin lovechild.

The movie ends with Nicolas Cage running out of this church in Kansas with the microfilm and hoping in a car with his super cute girlfriend that has “just married” written on the back. (By the way, going to Kansas to steal J. Edgar Hoover microfilm? Worst. Honeymoon. Ever.). Nicky looks at the microfilm as his sweet babu drives them into the sunset and realizes they now are the proud owners of the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken. The End.

There you have it America, a proper film to waste your money on with proper life lessons, like super balls can kill you, and that America’s PhD programs need mandatory sex ed classes, and senior citizens are an untapped resource for breaking into former maximum security prisons and taking out renegade military units. You see America; those are things you need to know. I mean what does G-Force have going for it? What’s that? It’s in 3-D? Really, 3-D, huh? Hmmmmmm.