Trashback: Doctor Jekyll and Mister Crap

Oh Gasmi, are you sitting down? Of course you are, you reading this on a computer, besides with this country’s obesity rate, you probably get winded if you have to support all that weight for more then five minutes at a time. Hey, don’t feel bad, if we ever meet at the grocery store we can have electric cart races, wheeeeeee! Crap, I’m babbling again, huh? Sorry, besides I want to save that for when I run for the Senate; people seem to really be going for that lately.

Anyway, aside from sitting down to save wear and tear on your joints, you should know I found us a super colossal crap movie to talk about this time. How good is it? We’ve got super duper smart serial killers, teenaged daughters dropping out of college with buns in the oven, skeevy peeping mechanical engineers who owe their entire comedy career to Facebook, hardboiled lady cops with daddy issues going through messy divorces, and the kind of not so smart serial killers that Ashton Kutcher’s main squeeze can catch. Yep that’s right Gasmi, we’re delving in deep to the 2007 instant crap classic, Mr. Brooks, so make the jump and lets get to the oh so sweet good stuff.Our movie gets off to a kind of a slow start. The main character, Mr. Brooks, ably played by Kevin Costner, is in a men’s room saying the AA serenity prayer at some black tie shindig. We see some shots of glasses of bubbly which would kind of lead you to believe Kevin Costner is a lush.

This is kind of a fake out, because we find out Mr. Brooks isn’t exciting enough to have a drinking problem. As a matter of fact, we rapidly find out he is fairly successful businessman, who owns a box factory, has a lovely wife, and does so many good deeds he is being named the Portland Oregon Chamber of Commerce Man of the Year. Jesus, we’ve got to spend 110 minutes with this bozo? You’re probably thinking to yourself that this is going to be a long freaking movie.

Well that theory goes out the window, when Kevin Costner and his lovely wife get in his Volvo and we find out William Hurt is in the back seat. William Hurt proceeds to start nagging Kevin Costner to do something that Kevin Costner doesn’t want to do, and what makes it extra interesting is that Kevin Costner’s wife isn’t throwing a poop fit that a former Academy Award winner is trying to get her husband to do something that even now we can tell isn’t on the up and up.

It gets super extra interesting when we figure out William Hurt is actually a voice in Kevin Costner’s head. Well more then a voice, a big bulky body, that looks like he’s about five Taco Bell taco supremes from getting his own supermarket scooter too.

Anyway, we quickly figure out that William Hurt wants Kevin Costner to go out and kill some people. Kevin Costner is trying to hang tough, but after William Hurt asks for the 46th time, KC says yes, mainly because if they don’t kill anyone we don’t have much of a movie, and also the odds sky rocket that William Hurt will start asking to stop at Taco Bell, and we all know how gassy he gets after that fifth Chalupa. Well we do now, aren’t made up facts the most interesting kind?

Kevin Costner takes his wife home, and tells her he is going to go work in his pottery studio out in the garage. Kevin Costner’s wife buys this story, even though they don’t have a single ashtray in their entire house, which stretches common sense, but keeps the plot moving so we are going to go with it.

Kevin Costner heads over across town to get his serial killer on. Oh and this would be a great time to mention that Kevin Costner is flat out awesome at this whole serial killer thing. He can totally unlock those chain locks on doors, and keeps his gun in a plastic freezer bag to keep from dribbling evidence all over the crime scene, and knows exactly what is going on at all times. It’s too bad he doesn’t put this kind of effort into his pottery; his wife would have the most kickass ashtray in town.

Like I said, Kevin Costner breaks into these people’s apartment, catches them having hot monkey sex, and then kills them. Boom, and without making a single mistake. Wait, did I say that? My bad, because it turns out that Kevin Costner didn’t notice the people he killed were the kind of people who liked to bone with the bedroom drapes open.

William Hurt starts freaking out, but come on Billy quit your worrying. The only way this could ever come back to bite them on the ass, is if the dead couple had a skeevy neighbor who liked to peek on them while they did the horizontal mambo, and maybe take pictures, because that’s what skeevy neighbors do, but really what are the odds of that?

Anyway, after the serial killing is finished for the night, Kevin Costner goes home, burns up all the evidence from the murder in his pottery oven and crawls into bed with his loving wife to get some rest because he’s got a busy day tomorrow.

Well he’s not the only one, because the cops find the bodies of those people Kevin Costner killed, and the lead detective shows up, and it’s little Miss Photoshop herself, Demi Moore. Demi is pretty cranky because it turns out Kevin Costner is the Thumbprint Murderer and Demi’s been trying to catch him for awhile.

Demi is pretty cranky in this movie. Well let’s be honest, Demi is cranky all the time, mainly because she last had solid food in 1991, saw Bruce Willis naked several times, and then hooked up with a guy who can’t figure out how to get a part in his hair, and who at the end of love making likes to use the phrase, “you got punked!” Well just for the record she’s extra cranky in this movie, because not only are Kevin Costner and William Hurt killing people and not leaving clues behind, but her a-hole soon to be ex-husband just had her served with divorce papers. You know, if I hadn’t paid to see The Butcher’s Wife back in the day, I’d almost feel sorry for her.

We cut from that over to our boy Kevin Costner and he has hit the ground running. He goes to an AA meeting because he is an addict, and tells William Hurt that last night was the absolute last time they are going serial killing and until William Hurt starts taking Beano they are never ever splitting a Nachos BelGrande ever again.

Oh and that’s just the start of the day, because Kevin Costner heads over to the box factory he owns to show some Asian guys the new kickass boxes he made for him, and just to make the day extra interesting, his daughter shows up, home from college. Did I say extra interesting? Because that doesn’t seem to really cover his daughter’s news; she’s dropping out of college to come home and live with mom and dad, oh and to take over the box factory.

Kevin Costner’s chance to use his father knows best skills get interrupted when his secretary comes in with an envelope that this skeevy loser out in the lobby wants him to have. Kevey opens up the envelope and finds a whole bunch of pictures of himself killing those people the night before. Man, what a bummer. I hope everyone out there is noticing just how much trouble you can make for serial killers when you don’t have the common decency to close your drapes at night. They’re called manners people, use them.

Naturally this news, trumps his daughter flushing that tution money down the drain, so he sends her home so he can chat with whoever this skeevy neighbor turns out to be. Kevin Costner heads into a conference room for a little powwow, and oh F#$k me sideways, it’s Dane Cook! How the hell did he get in this movie? I thought he only did shitty romcoms. You know I don’t care what people say, but the only way this guy’s movie career makes any sense is if his mom was one of the top three most powerful players in Hollywood in the last decade.

Now there is good news and bad news for Kevin Costner in this situation. The good news is that Dane Cook hasn’t gone to the cops. The bad news is he thinks serial killing looks like a lot of fun, and wants Kevin Costner to show him the ropes, and maybe go to Dairy Queen afterwards for banana splits. Kevin Costner and William Hurt are pretty sure that Dane Cook made copies of those pictures he gave Kevin Costner, so they tell Dane Cook they will go kill people tomorrow night, but not to hold his breath waiting for that banana split.

It seems to be a day for shitty meetings because Demi Moore and her attorney sit down with her soon to be ex and his lawyer to go over those pesky divorce proceedings. Demi is pissed because her soon to be ex-husband wants $750,000.00 to get out of her life. How did this bozo arrive at this ridiculous figure? Well it just so happens that Demi’s character is a multi-millionaire. What? Why? Well it would be kind of stupid if her sleazy soon to be ex-husband was holding out on the divorce proceeding to get a chunk of her 4,800 dollar checking account, and trust me this bozo will be important to the plot later on in the movie. Right now all he’s good for is to let us know Demi is rolling in the moola and oh to mention that this other serial killer that Demi caught in the backstory, just broke out of prison. Oh and for Demi to tell SEHTB (Sleazy Ex-Husband To Be) that she wishes he was dead. That will be important latter on too. Right now it just gives SEHTB’s lawyer an excuse to call off the meeting and take out a restraining order against Demi Moore.

We cut over to the police crime lab where they are trying to get CSI with the clues Kevin Costner left behind at the crime scene. The only problem is KC left them a big helping of squat-o. Still this scene gives Demi Moore’s boss the chance to tell Demi that thanks to her d-i-v-o-r-c-e from the SEHTB, Demi Moore’s boss is going to have to put her on a desk job in three days. And for the record no, that does not make a lick of sense, but we don’t get to wrapped up in demanding logic, because the woman who plays Demi’s boss is copying Demi’s clenched jaw acting style to show how serious her character is, and every minute we have to watch these two on screen is like watching a TMJ convention.

We cut to later that night at Dane Cook’s apartment. Dane is all tucked in and the sandman has come and gone. Too bad for him Kevin Costner comes by. Kevey wakes up Dane Cook, watches him soil himself and tells him to bring all those extra pictures the next night when they go out serial killing and disappears into the night, oh and makes some imprints of some of Dane Cook’s keys, that will be important later on too.

The next morning Kevin Costner comes downstairs and the poop has hit the fan. He finds out that his wife and daughter are having a pretty nasty fight, oh and that his daughter didn’t just drop out of college because she wants to learn the box making business. No, it turns out Kevin Costner’s sweet little princess has a bun in the oven.

You see, this is how it all starts. First people are serial killing, and then their teen-aged daughters get knocked up, and then they become the governor of Alaska. No, wait, that’s girl’s basketball, not serial killing. My bad, I always get those two mixed up.

We cut to later that night, and Demi Moore is over at the crime scene getting very Manhunter on us. She’s wandering through the set trying to put herself in Kevin Costner’s brain, and doing 99% of her thinking out loud, so we in the audience can see how she is figuring out all this stuff. The big thing she figures out is that Kevin Costner must have closed the drapes in the bedroom, which means there is a pretty good chance that a skeevy neighbor across the street could have seen the whole crime.

Before you can say contrived plotline, we cut over to Demi showing up on Dane Cooks doorstep just as he’s going out for the night to hang out with his newest bestest buddy Kevin Costner. Demi can’t help but notice that Dane Cook has like about five grand worth of camera equipment piled up on a desk overlooking a window that could see into his former can’t close the drapes before boning neighbor’s bedroom, but Dane Cook says he didn’t see anything the night before, and he certainly isn’t taking an envelope full of murder pictures to Kevin Costner, and he doubly certainly isn’t going to ask Kevin to be his newest Facebook friend over DQ Blizzards later that night. Naturally Dane Cook looks super guilty while saying this, but Demi Moore can’t figure out if this is because he’s lying about the night of the murder, or if this is just the persistant low level sense of shame that Dane Cook feels every day for taking a paycheck for Good Luck Chuck. Demi settles for giving Dane Cook her business card and he scuttles off out of the scene, stage right.

Dane Cook then hooks up with Kevin Costner and William Hurt, well but he only sees Kevin Costner because William Hurt is in Kevin Costner’s brain, and occasionally in the back seat. Anyway, they spend all night driving around looking for somebody for Dane Cook to kill, which takes a long time, as opposed to finding someone who would want to kill Dane Cook. Finally they settle on a guy who cuts them off in traffic, which as much as we all frown on the taking of human life, I think we can all say that’s the sort of guy we’d like to start with.

Dane Cook ends up getting super disappointed because they aren’t going to kill the guy that night. It turns out Kevin Costner tells Dane Cook he has to do a whole bunch of homework on this guy on the internet before he will get to kill anyone. Dane Cook isn’t happy to hear this, and if you are feeling a massive case of the don’t-gives-a-shits towards Dane Cook, then congrats, you’ve just reconnected with humanity on its most basic and elementary level.

Oh we get one more important thing out of the way to keep the plot moving forward, Dane Cook gives Kevin Costner Demi Moore’s business card, so now one of the leads is aware of the other one. Good job Dane Cook, but sadly it doesn’t earn him a DQ Blizzard and Kevin Costner drops him off at the end of the night.

Demi Moore is keeping busy in this part of the movie too. She talks to an extra who is dressed as a flight attendant, who supposedly lives in the apartment below Dane Cook. The extra confirms that the couple who got murdered sucked at closing their drapes, but she was out of town the night of the murder, so she didn’t see anything. The good news is her roommate was home that night, but the bad news is he is out of town right now. Demi passes out another of her prop business cards and exits stage right.

We’re not done with Demi, because as she is walking down the street she gets super hinky that somebody is following her. She almost pulls her gun on some poor dude who is just out jogging in the middle of the night in a menacing hoodie, which is actually kind of ironic because she is being followed by this chick with skunk hair in a car that Demi can’t see. Anyway after this contrived suspense, Demi heads off to go swimming in a pool for no apparent reason.

Okay there is kind of a reason, for Demi Moore to be swimming, it gives the director a semi interesting shot to cut back and forth to as Kevin Costner and William Hurt learning Demi’s life story within 10 seconds of logging on to the internet.

Okay, I’m being kind of mean here, because you can learn anything about anyone on the internet. You know, providing they are Tiger Woods, or somebody who starred in a Twilight movie, or if you’re in a suspense movie and the script says so too. In this case we are going with option three.

Anyway, Kevin Costner and William Hurt find out that Demi Moore went to a really good college, got an MBA, became a cop, caught a mess of serial killers, married the SEHTB on the rebound from her first d-i-v-o-r-c-e, oh and thanks to her old man, Demi is worth damn near Doctor Evil money, in this case 60 million dollars.

Kevin Costner thinks Demi is pretty cool, and wishes his daughter could be more like her. Here’s a tip Kevin, get your princess to start grinding her back molars ASAP, you’re never too young to start. William Hurt on the other hand doesn’t think Demi is all that great, because, you know, she’s trying to catch them. And we leave this scene pondering a situation where the person who represents a completely out of control id is the voice of reason.

We cut to the next morning and Demi is meeting with her very nice d-i-v-o-r-c-e lawyer to go over her case. It runs for a couple of minutes and we hear all about Demi’s dad, and how he is super rich and super powerful, but Demi and he don’t get along, so she doesn’t want to use his pull to make her d-i-v-o-r-c-e problem just disappear. I know as a responsible member of the audience I should be paying attention to all this stuff, but I really can’t get past how skinny Demi Moore is in this movie from the neck up. Man, you could cut diamonds on her cheekbones. Anyway, Demi decides just to give her SEHTB a boatload of money.

Demi exits stage left and as she is walking down the street, we see that skunk haired chick from the night before leaning against a van with its side door open. Right as Demi is walking by the van, she gets shoved inside by this big guy with bad tats, and Miss Skunk Hair hops in the driver’s seat and they go hauling ass through traffic.

Okay as to what is going on, do you remember back at Demi’s first d-i-v-o-r-c-e meeting with her ex-husband where they talked about that guy breaking out of jail? No? Look, you need to stop looking at Demi’s melon and start paying attention. I know she looks like she’s halfway on her way to becoming a shrunken head, but you are going to miss stuff like this and you’ll end up lost.

Anyway, Demi finds herself in the back of a van with a serial killer who is just aching for vengeance, but she’s not scared, and do you know why? Because after spending a decade listening to Bruce Willis play the harmonica at parties nothing frightens you any more. And this is why Demi is able to get into a fight with the big serial killer guy and his skunk haired girlfriend, that ends up with Demi flying out the open side door of the van and crashing into the windshield of a cab at about 40 miles an hour as the serial killer and his girlfriend peel out of the scene. See aren’t you glad now we learned all about the latest proceeding in Demi’s d-i-v-o-r-c-e? Okay, me neither, but lets just move on, shall we?

We cut over to Dane Cook, Kevin Costner and William Hurt sitting in a parking lot waiting for the guy Dane Cook wants to kill to come out of the drug store. Okay, Dane Cook is waiting, Kevin Costner and William Hurt are doing a crossword puzzle, and before you can say improbable plot twist, escaped serial killer and skunk haired girlfriend pull up in the parking lot right next to our favorite serial killers…and Dane Cook. Kevin Costner sees escaped serial killer and he gets a great idea that we don’t get let in on, but we do find out that William Hurt ranks it right up there with the concept of the Taco Bell 4th meal, and we do know that’s really saying something. Kevin Costner then tells Dane Cook to suck it, they aren’t going to kill the guy he picked out and they exit parking lot left.

In an awesome bit of onscreen gibberish, we cut over to Demi Moore in the emergency room and even though we just saw her go spine first into a windshield of a cab, what is the doctor doing to patch her up? Sewing a tiny cut on the top of her oh so skinny noggin.

We don’t get to focus on this complete bullcrap for very long, because Demi’s boss shows up, talks about the escaped serial killer, but mainly to get caught up on that d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Stop if I’m wrong, but if your boss interjects him or herself into your personal life like this, can’t you just sue the bejesus belt out of whoever you work for? Oh wait, that’s real life, where they wouldn’t just slap a Scooby Doo bandaid on the top of your head if you just crushed every vertebrae in your spinal column, yay movies! Anyway, Demi’s boss tells her this black guy who is with her is going to be Demi’s new partner and exits stage left.

From that bit of bull crappery we cut back to Kevin Costner when he drops off Dane Cook. Dane Cook is all pouty which leads Kevin Costner to tell him an analogy about how killing someone is a lot like falling in love. You meet on the set of Mr. and Mrs Smith, you ditch your wife who had a hit sitcom, rent an African country to have a baby in, and when people start wondering if your relationship is falling apart because you’ve started dressing like a fashion challenged hobo in public, you sue somebody in Britain, because their libel laws totally favor the plaintiff.

Okay. love is nothing like killing somebody, unless of course you see it as the script in this movie says it is, and the script in Employee of the Month said Jessica Simpson would fall in love with Dane Cook, then they are exactly alike. Dane Cook isn’t happy with this little analogy either, so Kevin Costner promises him absolutely positively, that they will definitely kill someone tomorrow night. Dane Cook is still pissed, and Kevin Costner and William Hurt still don’t care.

The next morning rolls around, and Kevin Costner’s day immediately starts swirling around the rim of the toilet bowl (FYI, that’s an analogy too), when the cops show up on his doorstep first thing in the morning. It’s a good news/bad news situation, in that the good news is the cops don’t want to talk to him; they want to talk to his daughter.

It takes about 30 seconds for Kevin Costner and William Hurt to figure out that Kevin Costner’s daughter killed somebody down at college, so she is kind of a chip off of the old Kevin Costner block. Only she really isn’t, because she left the murder weapon at the scene of the crime.

Hmmm, lets do the math of Kevin Costner’s daughter. Can’t figure out how to take a birth control pill every day, her life plan now involves moving back in with her parents, oh and not only is she a murderer, she sucks monkey balls at it. Doesn’t say a whole lot for Stanford’s admission policies, does it?

After the cops leave, and Kevin Costner’s daughter heads upstairs to take a nap after a busy morning of lying poorly, Kevin Costner and William Hurt take stock of the situation. The cops obviously know KC’s daughter did it, and within about a week they are going to press charges and that will be all she wrote for Kevin Costner’s daughter. This gives Kevin Costner the chance to get a little weepy because being a super duper serial killer, he probably passed on the serial killer gene to his ditzy little princess, so he kind of sees it as being all his fault. William Hurt wants to know what they are going to do, and Kevin Costner says maybe it would be for the best if his daughter went to jail, but he doesn’t commit either way.

We cut away from that back to Demi Moore who is getting a call from her lawyer. It turns out the SEHTB has decided he wants more money, like five million dollars more. Demi poops a brick, or would if she had eaten anything on this movie and tells her lawyer to stall for a couple of days, and just like that this filler scene is over.

We cut back to Kevin Costner who is doing much more interesting stuff. He tells his secretary he is going home for the day and will be in his pottery studio so he won’t be answering his phone, and then he goes and gets a fake ID out of a super secret stash in the aforementioned pottery studio as William Hurt keeps telling him this is a bad idea. Oh, and William Hurt points out that Dane Cook is going to be jumbo pissed when Kevin Costner doesn’t take him out murdering tonight, but Kevey tells Billy he’s already thought of that and the situation is under control.

Kevin Costner then flies down to my neck of the woods (Bay Area in the house y’all!) and kills somebody in the exact same way his daughter did while wearing an epically bad disguise. While he is doing this Demi Moore decides to turn up the heat on Dane Cook.

Too bad for Demi, Kevin Costner has left a newspaper in Dane Cook’s car that has words circled in red ink as a message that reads as follows.

“Can’t. Make. It. Tonight. We’ll. Do. It. Tomorrow. Night. Instead. Honest. For. Realies. Oh. If. You. Park. In. My. Spot. Again. I’ll. Have. The. FX. People. Use. CGI. To. Make. Your. Face. Look. Even. More. Chipmunklike. Love. Academy. Award. Winner. Kevin. Costner.”

Naturally Dane Cook is pretty pissed at this news, and also pretty rattled that Demi Moore has shown up on his doorstep, or in this case on the roof of his parking lot, but seeing as he already looks like Chip and Dale two weeks into a hellish nut binge, he dummies up.

This pisses off Demi Moore to no end, but she doesn’t get too much time to chew on it, because they get a text message that they got a search warrant to check out this place where maybe Escaped Serial Killer and Skunk Hair may be hiding out so they haul butt to a new scene.

They get over to the place and don’t find anything. Well except for a now deceased chiropractor who’s body pops out at them for no reason other then to make us in the audience jump, but that is the only clue they have that Escaped Serial Killer was around.

We don’t dwell on this because Kevin Costner is super depressed that he had to kill somebody to keep his daughter from going to jail. In fact he is so depressed that he decides to have Dane Cook kill him so he won’t ever kill anyone ever again. What’s that? This makes no sense? We’re 80 minutes into this movie and you’re suddenly demanding logic? Bad audience, bad! No DQ Blizzard for you after the post.

We move ahead to the next night and Kevin Costner puts his plan into action. Of course because the screenwriter is completely out of his gourd, this plan requires that Kevin Costner and Dane Cook kill Demi Moore’s SEHTB and his lady lawyer who just happened to stop by so they could celebrate about all of that sweet, sweet money they are going to get when he gets that d-i-v-o-r-c-e from Demi Moore. Too bad for them they never get that money because Kevin Costner kills them, and Dane Cook piddles on the floor.

Still once the murder is over, Dane Cook is feeling a lot saucier and pulls a gun on Kevin Costner, which is fine by Kevin Costner because he wants to die. The only twist is Kevin wants to use his foolproof plan instead of whatever mess Old Piddlepants has on tap, and seeing as Kevin had the bigger trailer on the set, Dane Cook goes along with this.

While this is going on, Demi Moore gets word from that out of town flight attendant, who lived downstairs from Dane Cook, that Dane Cook was always totally peeping on their deceased neighbors and said he took pictures too. This is good enough for Demi to break into Dane Cook’s apartment and find out that it is now completely empty. Well except for the moving invoice that just happens to say where all of Dane Cook’s stuff got delivered to.

Too bad for Demi, before she is able to use the fruit of this totally illegal search, her partner shows up, with bad news. Her sleazy ex-husband to be, is never going to get to be her ex-husband because he just got murdered. Oh and because he took out a restraining order against Demi back in the first act, she’s totally a suspect.

Demi responds to this in the same logical manner she’s handled everything else in the movie. She punches her partner, and heads out to solve the case her way. Okay, it’s not very logical, but it is consistent, and at this point in this movie that’s all we can really ask for.

Demi follows that one clue that just happened to be left at Dane Cook’s apartment for her to find to a kind of run down hotel. Now anyone else may have wondered why Dane Cook would send all his furniture to a hotel, but not our Demi, she just heads right in to find that dang old Dane Cook.

The only thing is that obviously Dane Cook isn’t around because he’s with Kevin Costner. Still it’s not a complete waste of time, because Escaped Serial Killer just happens to be staying at this very hotel with Skunk Hair, and when they run into Demi Moore, it is the perfect excuse to get a shootout into the movie.

Everybody shoots the poop out of the florescent lights, which gets a strobe light effect going on, which is a little cool, and Demi shoots Escaped Serial Killer and Skunk Hair a bunch of times, and Escaped Serial Killer shoots himself and Skunk Hair. Well Escaped Serial Killer shoots Skunk Hair, and then shoots himself, because the other way wouldn’t make any sense at all.

What? Yes I just tried to make sense with what is happening in this movie. Sorry, you’re right, no DQ Blizzard for me either.

Anyway after Demi catches a bad guy, but not the bad guy, Kevin Costner and Dane Cook go to this cemetery that Kevin Costner just happens to own. The plan is that Dane Cook will shoot Kevin Costner, who will fall into an open grave, that Dane Cook will then cover him up with a little bit of dirt, and the next day when they put the coffin of the person being buried in that spot and cover it up, no one will ever know Kevin Costner was a super duper serial killer. Wow, it almost seems too easy.

Too bad for Dane Cook, Kevin Costner changed his mind, because Kevin has decided that he wants to be the world’s super bestest serial killing grandpa. It’s also too bad for Dane Cook, because Kevin Costner just happened to bend the firing pin Dane Cook’s gun so it won’t fire, and it’s even extra too bad that because Dane Cook piddled back at Demi Moore’s SEHTB’s place, he has left DNA evidence that will make it look like he is the Thumbprint Killer that Demi Moore has been looking for the whole movie. And we won’t even get into how spectacularly too bad it is that Kevin Costner whomps Dane Cook with a shovel and drops his body into that grave to pull the disappearing act we mentioned in the last paragraph.

We cut to a bright shiny day, and Kevin Costner and William Hurt are sitting in a coffee shop, and the main thing to take away from this scene is that Kevin Costner tells William Hurt they aren’t going to kill people ever again, so there. Oh and Kevin Costner steals somebody’s cell phone so he can give Demi Moore a call. Kevin wants to know why Demi is a cop when she had all that money and could have done anything she wanted. Demi is trying to keep him on the line long enough to trace the call so she tells him her daddy always wished she’d been born a boy and she wanted to prove him wrong. Kevin Costner is satisfied with this answer, hangs up, and drops the cell phone off a building so it can never be traced back to him and he lives happily ever after.

Well not really, because that night he stops in to give his daughter a good night kiss and she stabs him with a pair of scissors and after he bleeds over every white surface in the room, she puts on his glasses and becomes the number one serial killer in the family. Only she doesn’t because it’s all a dream (just like the end of Carrie, only not as good), and Kevin Costner ends up laying in bed in a cold sweat, and muttering that serenity prayer from the beginning of the movie again. The End.

Well, there you have it a movie just chock full of life lessons. Such as, it’s pretty entertaining if the little voice in your head is William Hurt, especially if you’re Kevin Costner. Penis Envy is the most accurate way to describe Demi Moore’s performance in this movie. Stanford University doesn’t seem to prepare young people for serial killing or the proper use of birth control; one can only hope their engineering department does a better job, and just about any bad thing in the world can be blamed on Dane Cook. Thanks for stopping by, we’ll talk again soon.