Well another week has rolled around, and that means it’s time to take a look at another crap movie near and dear to my heart [Release the doves], and I’ve got to tell you I’m pretty excited about this one. Not only do we have all the things that make for a quality crap experience, explosions, senseless violence, peppy yet moronic catch phrases, and boobs, boobs, boobs, but all of this fudge brownie awesome comes courtesy of a story written by one of the all time great science fiction authors, Phillip K Dick.
I’m about to fly my nerd flag, so apologies in advance, but Phillip K Dick is one of the smartest, most intelligent writers of speculative fiction the world has ever seen. So, I guess it came as no real surprise to anyone that in 1990 when they made today’s movie, Total Recall, Hollywood called on the one actor in Hollywood who was cerebral enough to deal with a story about the fickle nature of reality, Arnold Schwarzenegger…oooohhhhh boy, this just got real awkward, didn’t it? Well no matter, because we still have violence, explosions, catch phrases and boobs, boobs, boobs, so make the jump and see what the inside of Arnold’s mind looks like.
Now that’s frigging acting!
Our movie starts on Mars. At least I think it’s Mars, everything is red so it must be Mars. Well either that or the color is messed up on my TV. [Smacks side of TV] Nope, it’s Mars all right.
Anyway, our boy Arnold and some chick in a space suit are sharing a moment holding hands, and taking a little walk on the surface of Mars. Incidentally, any outing that requires both parties to wear space suits and have no direct physical contact is an approved Jonas Brothers first date.
Everything is just peachy, right up until the ground crumbles under his feet and Arnie ends up going ass over biceps down the side of this cliff. In the midst of doing 45 somersaults, Arnie breaks the face plate on his space suit. He ends up choking and gasping for air, and his eyes start really bugging out of his head, kind of like my boss’s did when I put that one report in the shredder instead of the copier.
Then Arnie wakes up in bed. Yes, it was all a dream. Whew, that was a close one. I mean think about it, the Governor dating one of the Jonas Brothers? Ewwwwww! But luckily, it was just a dream, a very, very inappropriate dream. Oh, and just for the record, Arnie is Douglas Quaid in this movie, a boring run of the mill guy, with a 50 inch chest and 22 inch biceps.
Arnold’s wife calms him down, and oh my god, it’s Sharon Stone! Wow, I forgot just how hot Sharon Stone looked in 1990. Well, hot and bitchy, as opposed to the 2009 Sharon Stone, who still looks surprisingly hot, riddled with botox, and nuttier then a fruitcake baked by Tom Cruise.
Sharon Stone tells Arnie it was all a dream, and then she and Arnold do it because this is an R rated action movie, which means sex and violence.
After Arnold and Sharon Stone’s morning nookie break, Arnold is fixing breakfast and watching the news. It’s all about Mars. The poop has apparently hit the fan. Rebels, rumors of alien artifacts, mysterious rebel leaders, and people getting shot right on camera, it’s a freaking mess. The head bigwig on Mars, Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox) appears on camera, and tells the reporters, the rebellion is no big deal, there are no alien artifacts, and the Mars’ government is not oppressing anyone, and if they keep saying that Ronny Cox will have them arrested. Hmmm, I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ronnie isn’t a morning person.
After hearing this cheery news, Arnold tells Sharon Stone they should move to Mars. It’s too bad it’s not in the movie, because I would have loved to see Arnold’s character house shopping and the look on the realtor’s face when Arnold asked to look at homes that were on fire.
Sharon Stone points out for 40th time in the last five minutes that Mars is total poophole, and Arnold needs to go to work so he can come home and they can have sex again. Then they’ll plan a sex vacation to Saturn, watch sex TV, have sex dinner, and do the sex sudoku in the paper. I’m really starting to think Sharon Stone needs a hobby, and no, sex does not count.
Arnie heads off for work, and we get to see this movie’s vision of the future. Arnold lives in a big shopping mall, the cars are all little golf carts, and everyone is dressed like it’s 1986 only with crappier fabrics and worse sewing. In other words, the movie’s director, Paul Verhoeven, is telling us all of the contestants from Project Runway are going to take over the world. Show of hands, who needs a hug?
In the future, no one can hear your wardrobe scream
While ridding the subway to work Arnie sees an ad for a company called Rekall. They say they can give all the memories you could get going on vacation, without actually going on vacation. One of the places they mention they can give you memories for is a trip to Mars. Arnold seems pretty intrigued by this news, or there is a shiny object off camera. It’s a 50/50 shot.
Arnold gets to his job, and now we get to see what sort of high tech job someone like Arnold will have in the future. Arnie’s running a jackhammer. Well I guess the future is going to need ditch diggers too.
Arnie’s working next to his best friend, a heavy set guy who kind of looks like a balding Fred Flintstone. Arnie asks BFF if he’s ever heard of Rekall, and BFF says it’s bad news, because he knows a guy who went there and ended up having to get a lobotomy. He tells Arnie to stay away, because you don’t want to be messing with your mind. Pretty sound advice from a guy who looks like he’s got enough back hair to have people think he’s wearing a mohair sweater every time he goes to the beach.
Yaba daba doo!
So right after work Arnie heads down to Rekall. Huh, what, who? Come on don’t be that surprised, do you really think a little thing like a possible lobotomy is going to slow down the highest elected official in my home state? Whoo Hoo, California in the house! Suck it Delaware! Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh crap the movie, thank you, you’re a lifesaver.
Arnie not only signs up to get memories of a trip to Mars, but something called an ego trip, where he won’t just be Douglas Quaid, professional hole digger, but a badass super secret agent who saves the world, or in this case, Mars. Okay, this should be simple; Arnie gets his fake memories and is able to get on with the rest of his life which will involve drilling big honking holes with BFF and having tons of hot monkey sex with Sharon Stone. Sounds like a plan, right?
Wellllll, not exactly. It turns out the Rekall people find out somebody’s already been screwing around with Arnie’s mind and wiped out a whole bunch of the big galoot’s memories. It gets worse, because Arnie’s pretty agitated right now. Arnie is saying his name isn’t Douglas Quaid, and bad guys are on their way to kill him. It takes a pretty big effort, but the docs are able to pump Arnold full of lala juice and get him to pass out. They decide to re-wipe Arnie’s mind and just pretend he was never there. Fun movie fact, this was pretty much the same exact thing the director, Paul Verhoeven did after he made Showgirls.
Arnie wakes up later in an automated cab over by where he lives, with no idea what happened. He just wants to go home, have a nice cup of hot tea, some sex with Sharon Stone and call it a night. The only thing is he runs in BFF who says they should go get a drink. Arnie’s pretty tired, what with getting his brain re-washed, so he takes a pass. Four other guys snatch Arnie up, BFF pulls a gun, and they hustle Arnie away. All I can say about this is golly, because BFF didn’t look this needy at work.
BFF and his goons pull Arnie into an alleyway, while BFF keeps chattering about how Arnie screwed up by going to Rekall, and how BFF was there to look out for him and now he’s going to have to kill him. Boo hoo, hoo, me, me, me, god if there is anything worse then getting killed by your bald Fred Flintstone friend; it’s listening to your bald Fred Flintstone friend whine about how it’s all your fault.
Luckily for the rest of the movie, Arnie gets loose and opens up the whoopass can on BFF and his goons. Arnie dispatches all the mooks pretty handily and his fisticuffs are actually pretty secret agent worthy. After he puts big holes in them and/or twists their heads off Arnie legs it back to his place.
When Arnie gets home, he’s throwing the mother of all hissy fits. He’s turning off all the lights, closing the drapes and babbling to Sharon Stone about how Bald Fred Flintstone was a spy trying to kill him because he went to Rekall after work to get a fake vacation. Sharon Stone is pretty pissed he went to Rekall too, and tells Arnie this spy stuff is all in his head because they were messing with his noodle. Arnold shows her BFF’s cholesterol loaded blood dripping off his hands, and Sharon is pretty stumped by this development, so tells Arnie to go get washed up so he doesn’t get BFF blood all over the apartment and when he’s cleaned up, they’ll
have sex, talk about what is happening.
Arnie goes and washes up, and calms down, because no matter what else is happening in the world, Sharon Stone loves him, and that’s all he really needs.
Oh shitskis! When Arnold comes out of the bathroom all the lights are out in the room except for one right in Arnie’s beady little eyes and someone is trying to shoot the poop out of him. Arnie tells Sharon Stone to save herself (aww) and using some pretty secrety agnety moves manages to knock the gun out of the bad guy’s hands.
Oh Snap! It’s Sharon Stone, and not only was she shooting at him, when she loses her gun, she pulls out some serious kung fu, and starts slamming on our boy Arnie right in the baby B-B’s. Arnie gets nut punched what feels like about 63 times, but finally manages to put a gun to Sharon Stone’s head and get her to stop wailing on his junk.
Somebody is about to get nut punched
See? I was right
After his eyes stop watering, Arnie asks Sharon Stone just what in the wide, wide world of sports is a going on around here. Sharon Stone says every memory in his head is a rich crock of creamery butter, and her bosses told her two months ago to pretend to be his wife and keep an eye on him. Then Sharon says that now that he knows the big secret hows about the two of them starting making with the serious sexing?
Even though Arnold’s testicles are probably hovering right below his adam’s apple he still has to give this offer a little thought. (That’s just how hot Sharon Stone was in 1990) Right when Arnie is about ready to figure out a safe word with Sharon Stone, he glances at this little TV gizmo and sees a whole bunch of goons with guns heading his way. No nookie for Arnie this time. Instead, he knocks out Sharon Stone and beats feet out of their apartment.
The bad guys show up, and the chief goon is Michael Ironsides. He’s very concerned about Sharon Stone, and very happy because the one smart goon (the one with glasses) has a tracking device and tells him Arnie is hoofing it for the subway.
The goons all hall ass to catch Arnold, but MI stops to put a lip lock on Sharon Stone, because apparently they are an item. Hmmm? Arnie and Michael Ironside? You know I’m starting to think Sharon Stone is a bit of a Lucy Loose Labia in this movie.
The bad guys almost catch Arnie, and there is a shootout where some poor extra literally gets shot to pieces, but Arnie is able to get on a subway train.
Things get worse for Michael Ironside, because he has to talk to his boss, and it’s Ronny Cox, hi Ronny. Ronny is pretty steamed about everything that just happened. Actually within about 10 seconds you can figure out that Ronny Cox is the undisputed douche of the solar system.
A douche this big can only be shown in stereo
Ronny Cox is super pissed at Michael Ironside, Sharon Stone, Arnie, the Goon with Glasses, nuns, kittens and pretty much everything else in the universe. Man, I don’t understand it. Ronny Cox is a really nice guy in the Beverly Hills Cops movies, but in this one and Robocop, you’d have to set an elephant’s rectum on fire to find a bigger flaming asshole then Ronny. I think it’s because these movies take place in the future, so for the rest of the post we’ll call Ronny The Evil Future Cox.
The Evil Future Cox wants Arnie taken alive, which pisses off Michael Ironside to no end; because even the Goon with Glasses knows Arnie’s been banging Sharon Stone like a drum for the last few months. Michael Ironside decides to ignore The Evil Future Cox and kill Arnie anyway. Not smart Michael Ironside, I can tell you from personal experience that trying to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger when boss tells you not to is the difference between a 2% raise and a 4% raise come performance review time.
Arnie goes across town, and gets a hotel room, because what with getting his brain re-wiped, snuffing the BFF, having his balls hammered on by Sharon Stone and being chased all over town by a bunch of secret agents dudes, he needs a little sleepy time. Arnie is just about ready to have an in depth chat with Mister Sandman when he gets a phone call. Arnie flips on his future type TV phone, and finds himself talking to some extra with a mullet and a Magnum P.I. mustache. The hairy extra explains that he and Arnie are old friends and he has a suitcase for Arnie that Arnie told him to give to Arnie before Arnie got his memory wiped.
I know this sounds pretty confusing, but trust me, you look a lot less confused right now, then when Arnold got this phone call in the movie.
Hairy Extra tells Arnie he’s got a tracking device in his brain and he needs to wrap a wet towel around his head so Michael Ironside and the smart goon can’t find him. After Arnie makes himself a new hat, the extra tells him to come outside and pick up his suitcase.
Arnold picks up his suitcase, but isn’t all that cut and dry, because first he almost gets in a fight with an old lady over the suitcase, and then Michael Ironside and the GWG (Goon With Glasses) show up and start shooting the poop out of everything. However, Arnold gets away for what is either third or the 47th time in the movie (I had a hard time keeping track after awhile) by highjacking one of those automated cabs and zipping out of the scene.
Arnold abandons his stolen cab at a deserted factory. Well the brakes go out and he has to jump out before it plows into a wall and makes a pretty satisfactory fireball for a golf cart.
This works out good for Michael Ironside because the GWG tells him a golf cart, cab just exploded over by an abandoned factory and it was probably being driven by a former Mr. Universe. What? How does he know all that? I told you already, he wears glasses. He’s real, real smart. Didn’t you learn anything watching 9 Revenge of the Nerds movies? Wait, I watched 9 Revenge of the Nerds movies, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s common knowledge that poor eyesight = a high IQ.
look at how thick those lenses are, this guy must be a freaking genius!
Anyway Michael Ironside rustles up a car and a mess of bad guys and heads on over to see about opening up a little whoopass on his good buddy Arnold.
Meanwhile, over at the deserted factory Arnold opens up the suitcase he sent himself. Inside, is some money, fake ID’s, a pointy thingamajig, a wristwatch dealy that makes a holographic Arnold, and a little TV with a message Arnold sent himself.
Arnold tells himself that back on Mars he’s a super duper secret agent, and he’s found out all sorts of bad things about The Evil Future Cox. This is why The Evil Future Cox wiped Arnie’s brain and dumped on Earth. TV Arnold tells Arnie that now Arnie needs to go back to Mars, and get in touch with the rebels so they can bring down The Evil Future Cox. Wow, it all sounds so simple when Arnold explains it. It must be the thick Austrian accent.
There is just one thing Arnie has to do before he can go back to Mars. He has to get that pesky tracking device out of his head. TV Arnold tells Arnie to shove the pointy thingamajig up his nose and it will pull it out. Arnie shoves the pointy thingamajig up his nose, and damn! I can’t believe how big that tracking device is; it looks like an everlasting gobstopper.
Anyway, Arnold gets the tracking device out just in time and ducks out right as Michael Ironside shows up with a jillion bad guys who can’t track Arnold anymore. See, nobody likes to admit it, but sometimes picking your nose can save your life.
The next thing you know, we’re back on Mars, and Michael Ironside gets met at the gate by a guy dressed as the world’s angriest girl scout. The Angriest Girl Scout is giving Michael Ironside a whole mess of grief for letting Arnold get away, and in short is warming him up for his meeting with The Evil Future Cox.
Michael Ironside, strengths include spotting fake fat women, needs to work on not trying to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger without permission
Michael Ironside is telling angriest Girl Scout to cram it, when he notices this very big boned woman in customs who seems to be wigging out. Now say what you will about Michael Ironside in this movie, he is a pretty decent secret agent guy, so he knows right away that lady with the Rosie build isn’t a lady; it’s a retired world class bodybuilder! He tells all the nearest goons to get Arnie, and they all get in a semi-circle around him but nobody touches him because I guess they are worried about getting big boned gal cooties.
The big boned lady/Arnie pulls this big whatjamacallit out of his ear, and it turns out that lady is Arnie after all. Good call Michael Ironside! Arnie tosses his fake lady head to the nearest goon, and because this is the future when the goon catches it, the fake lady head tells him he’s in for a big surprise, and then KABLOOIE! It blows up and knocks down a mess of goons. This scene tells you just how big of a star Arnold was in 1990. Even his mask got its own catch phrase.
Arnie ducks out of the room as Michael Ironside blazes away at Arnie but misses him. However what he doesn’t miss is the big window, which it turns out isn’t a window, it’s a dome. A dome that keeps the atmosphere inside for people to breath, because otherwise their eyes would pop out of their heads like they were on a date with the Jonas Brothers. A few people get sucked out of the room, and by the time everything gets settled down, Arnie is long gone.
Arnie heads for this hotel TV Arnold told him to go to and it turns out he left himself a flyer for sleazy bar with a note to ask for Melina. Arnie heads right out, because when you get your brain wiped and you send yourself a TV message to go back to a sleazy bar and talk to some chick you just do it. It’s just common sense.
Arnie has to take a cab to sleazy bar and he gets to meet Benny the cab driver. Benny is one of those if-you’re-in-my-cab-you’re-my bestest-buddy-ever cab drivers. If I was riding with Benny, I’d tattoo my hand over my wallet, but Arnie seems to get along with him. Oh well, to each his own, I always say.
They drive over to the sleazy bar and Arnie gets to check out all the local Martians. Everyone looks like they spent about an hour in a makeup chair before shooting, because they did, because The Evil Future Cox built cheap domes a long time ago that didn’t keep out the cosmic rays. So everyone looks like they wandered away from a sideshow tent. Of course everyone is psychic so it makes ordering in restaurants a lot quicker for everyone involved.
Arnie gets to the sleazy bar and asks for Melina. At first the bartender is all she’s really busy why don’t you talk to this girl instead, and this is where Arnold meets the three boobed hooker.
Here’s a fun fact. Pretty much every straight American male between the ages of 30 and 50 has probably had at least one in depth serious conversation with their buddies as to whether they would do it with the three boobed Total Recall hooker. Oh and ladies, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if your husband/boyfriend/significant other is in this age group there is a 86.7% chance he answered yes to that question.
Anyway Arnie doesn’t want to spend time with the three boobed hooker, probably because he’s going to be waiting for another six months for his balls to drop after that last night he spent with Sharon Stone. The bar tender brings Melina over, and it turns out she was the girl Arnold was going on his Jonas Brother’s date with at the beginning of the movie.
She and Arnie go up to her room, and she is doing the happy to see you/where the hell have you been? that all chicks do when you get your memory erased and shipped off to another planet. Arnie explains what has happened to him, but doesn’t mention that he accidentally/on purpose had hot memory wiped sex with Sharon Stone every night for the last two months. Melina decides that even if Arnie’s story isn’t a little fishy, she doesn’t need a boyfriend who doesn’t really remember her, so she tells Arnie maybe he should go back to his hotel and raid the minibar.
When Arnie gets back to his hotel he’s pretty depressed, because he’s got zippo options for getting his memory back now. There is a knock at the door and when Arnie answers it, there is this prissy doctor guy. The prissy doctor guy tells Arnie he’s not on Mars, he’s still back on Earth at the Rekall place where his brain has gone all hooie kablooie and he’s imaging everything. The prissy doctor guy tells Arnold he’s a hologram and he’s here to keep Arnie from going completely nutsy, and he brought another hologram person with him to talk some sense into Arnie.
The door opens and it’s Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone tells Arnie just to do what the doctor says, and when he’s back to normal they can go have sex in a closet before going home for more sex. Arnie’s a little confused by what he should do, and is about to go along with the prissy doctor and Sharon Stone when he notices the doctor is sweating and whoever heard of a hologram sweating? So Arnie shoots the prissy doctor right in the melon.
This is right when the wall explodes and a bunch of goons come in and take Arnie prisoner. Sharon Stone comes over and gives Arnie a hard kick to the ribs, so I’m guessing the closet sex is pretty much off the table at this point.
Sharon Stone and the goons take Arnie to the elevator. They are going to meet with Michael Ironside, and then the bad guys can finally win one in an action movie for a change. Too bad for them when the elevator door opens it’s that Melina chick and she’s got a submachine gun. The goons all get the poop shot out of them, and then Melina and Sharon Stone both start making with the kung fu. Finally after awhile, Sharon Stone gets the drop on Melina and is all set to stab her with this knife.
Someone is about to get nut punched…again
Too bad for Sharon Stone, Arnie shoots the knife out of her hand. Sharon Stone makes serious puppy dog eyes at Arnie and points out that their makeup sex will probably be off the charts what with her trying to kill him and repeatedly hammering his balls and all. Arnie is maybe a little tempted by this offer, but Sharon Stone tries to shoot him with this little gun, so Arnie drills her right between the eyes.
Then Arnie and Melina take off, which is a good thing because Michael Ironside shows up, and if you thought he was mad at Arnie for sleeping with his girlfriend, you should see how he takes this news. As soon as he sees Arnold he starts shooting (and missing) again. The GWG makes him stop, because Arnie is by the dome and if that cracks, everyone will get Jonas Brothers date face, oh and die.
Arnie and Melina end up hooking up with Bennie again and get chased my Michael Ironside all through the Martian tunnels. Finally Arnie, Melina and Benny head back to the sleazy sex club and duck out through a secret door. Michael Ironside and his goons show up but everyone one is like Arnie who? Are you sure you aren’t looking for Jean Claude Van Damme, because he was just here 10 minutes ago.
Michael Ironside doesn’t take this news very well and shoots the three boobed hooker. Oh the humanity! And it looks like he was just warming up because he starts asking this midget blonde hooker where Arnie is and it doesn’t look like he’ll be waiting very long for an answer.
Luckily for the midget blonde hooker, this big mutant guy shoves Michael Ironside and gets shot by the GWG and then the poop hits the fan and everyone starts fighting with everyone. The little blonde hooker pulls a knife out of…you know, I don’t even want to know where that knife came from, and guts the GWG like a fish.
Striking a blow for tiny hookers everywhere
Michael Ironside and the rest of the goons get chased out of the bar, and it gets worse for Michael Ironside because he gets a phone call from The Evil Future Cox. The Evil Future Cox seems pretty happy that Arnie got away, and tells Michael Ironside just to come home, and when he and all the goons leave, The Evil Future Cox seals the level and shuts off the air.
Arnie, Melina and Benny go back through some secret tunnels and finally meet the rebel resistance. The leader of the rebel resistance, a guy named Kuato wants to talk with Arnie, and they already know Melina, but they are pretty suspicious of Benny. Not to worry, because is turns out Benny is a mutant too, which means he must be cool.
They go back to the rebel HQ and Arnie meets Kuato. It turns out Kuato is a Chucky doll taped to some guy’s stomach, but Kuato is a psychic Chucky doll, so he is able to read Arnie’s mind. Kuato and Arnie find out that The Evil Future Cox found this big alien machine thingee, which would make the air on Mars breathable. Naturally, because The Evil Future Cox is a complete dick, he’d rather sell people air then let them breathe it for free, because things are always better when you earn them.
The brains of the outfit
Just then the goons show up again, and Arnie, Melina, Kuato and Benny take off while the rest of the rebels fight it out with the goons. Just when they all think they are going to get away, Benny machineguns the poop out of Kuato and takes Arnie and Melina prisoner. Yep it turns out Benny is working for The Evil Future Cox, and man is that depressing. I mean if you can’t trust a Martian cab driver with a big ET hand, who can you trust?
When Arnie and Melina get back to The Evil Future Cox’s HQ, they get the real bad news. It turns out Arnold is The Evil Future Cox’s bestest buddy and this was all part of his evil master plan to crush the resistance and make Mars safe for power mad douchebags. Arnie isn’t buying it, until he gets another message. This one is from Evil TV Arnold, and yep The Evil Future Cox wasn’t woofing, it’s all true. Arnie is a bad guy. Not only that, but now that they’ve killed the psychic Chucky doll, Evil TV Arnold wants his body back so they are going to re-re-rewipe Arnie’s brain
Arnie starts yammering about he’s not Evil TV Arnold, and The Evil Future Cox is like whatever dude, but after we re-wire your noggin there’s a party at my pad at eight, be there or be square.
It looks like Arnie is well on his way to getting in touch with his inner asshole, when he freaks out, tears out all the straps they were using to hold him down and kills all the evil science brain techs. You see? That’s reason number 14 why squats are never a waste of time at the gym.
Arnie and Melina head off to fire up the big alien air making thingamajig. The Evil Future Cox finds out they’ve escaped and sends Michael Ironside and a mess of goons off to kill them. The goons get all set up to kill Arnie and his squeeze, but you remember that hologram dealy Arnie got way back in the first reel? Well he and Melina use it to kill all the goons in all sorts of entertaining ways. Arnie hops on this elevator to ride up and start the alien air making thingee when Michael Ironside shows up for the big throw down. They fight on the elevator for awhile and when Arnie tries to throw Michael Ironside off, crazy old Michael Ironside grabs on to Arnie and tries to pull him off with him.
Luckily for the plot, there is a big rock right next to the elevator, so Arnie pulls Michael Ironside’s arms (but not the rest of him) into the elevator car, and that big rock just rips Michael Ironside’s arms off. There, problem solved.
Arnie gets up to the control gizmo but guess who is waiting for him? No, not Santa, it’s The Evil Future Cox and he’s got a shoebox, I mean a bomb, a totally believable scary bomb. He’s going to blow up the alien thingamajig and shoot Arnie, but first he starts moaning about how he didn’t want to do this and it’s all Arnie’s fault, and give me a frigging break. He sounds just like the BFF. I don’t know what it is in this movie, but no one can shoot Arnie without turning into a complete Wendy Whiner.
Blam! Melina shoots The Evil Future Cox, and thank god for that. Can I nominate her for a parade? Too bad for Arnie The Evil Future Cox sets off the timer on his bomb. Arnie tosses the bomb down this big airshaft and we get a big fireball (YAY!) and then everyone starts getting sucked down the airshaft. Arnie manages to fire up the alien air making thingee and The Evil Future Cox gets sucked down the airshaft. Too bad for Arnie and Melina they get sucked down the shaft too. Everyone starts getting Jonas Brother’s face, and The Evil Future Cox’s actually pops, but the Alien air making thingee kicks in and Arnie and Melina live.
A big cloud of fresh air busts in all the windows on the dome, which saves the lives of all the mutants and hookers, and it is now official, the good guys have won yet again. Arnie wonders if it’s all a dream, but realizes that doesn’t matter, because if it is, he’ll just wake up and have sex with Sharon Stone again. The End.
Well there you have, a movie just brimming with lessons for all of us to take away from it, like you should always listen to your balding Fred Flintstone friends, and not screw around with your brain. Also you shouldn’t stare at them at the beach, it makes them self conscious. Anyone who marries Sharon Stone Should be issued a protective cup. Cosmic rays cause mutations, which are bad, but they make three boobed hookers, so the jury is still out on this one. The thicker the glasses, the smarter the person; fun fact, Helen Keller was the smartest person in human history, and lastly the reason you had to climb the rope in gym class is that so if you ever need to fire up an alien air making thingee while you are trying not to get sucked out into a vacuum, you’ll be prepared. I can’t recommend this movie enough, go check it out.