Trashback: Peeping Crap

Hey there Gasmii! Oh we’ve got a special movie today and not only because screenwriter Joe Ezterhas is dishing out what he cooks up best (translation, boobs, hot sex, silly plot twists, and more boobs). Yes, today’s movie takes us back to a simpler time, 1993, and allows us to see the world through the eyes of a studio executive. It was a happier time when if a coked up, hard working, nephew of the studio president, vice-president in charge of film development wanted to make a hit movie he would ask for three very simple things: (1) For Sharon Stone to pretend to have sex, (3) A plot so complicated it would appear completely moronic to anyone not drawing a salary from the production company, and (c), A Baldwin Brother, and no it wouldn’t matter which one, just someone with the last name Baldwin, beady eyes, and a puckery kisser. Yep my trashy friends, we going to take a look at the 1993 crap gem, Sliver, so make the jump and let’s get to the good stuff.

Our movie starts and after the credits get rolling we figure out we are seeing shots from surveillance cameras. Eventually we end up focusing on this girl who looks an awful lot like Sharon Stone, but isn’t Sharon Stone riding in an elevator.

Isn’t Sharon Stone gets off the elevator and goes to her apartment and as soon as she gets inside, she doesn’t turn any lights on, and makes a beeline to her balcony so she can stand outside way, way, up in the air, in the dark, because what’s the worst that could happen to an extra at the very beginning of a thriller in a darkened apartment?

While she is doing that some guy uses a key and sneaks into her apartment. I wish I could be more specific then some guy, but it’s dark and he’s wearing a hoodie.

Isn’t Sharon Stone turns around and sees Some Guy and smiles, so she must know him. Well she doesn’t know him that well, because he immediately tosses her off of the balcony. Isn’t Sharon Stone falls, and falls, and falls, and falls, screaming every foot of the way, right up until she crashes through the roof of a greenhouse, and then let’s just say Isn’t Sharon Stone was no longer needed on the set.

We cut to day time in Manhattan, and actual Sharon Stone is being let into a building by a doorman. She tells him she has an appointment with some woman and the doorman lets her just go off along on her merry way. As Sharon Stone is walking down the hallway she passes an older bald headed dude, who first gives her a friendly smile, and then gets a troubled look on his face like his underwear just rode up his crack, but he doesn’t say anything to Sharon Stone and doesn’t start digging at the back of his pants, so I have no idea what is going on here. Before we can get too worked up by this underwear mystery, the guy and his shiny palate exit stage right.

The important thing to remember here is that Sharon Stone’s character is completely different then the one she played in Basic Instinct. So being the skilled actress that she is, Sharon Stone lets us know from the first scene that this person isn’t a psychotic bisexual with an unexplained attraction to Michael Douglas. How does she do this? She wears a hat.

Sharon Stone meets up with the woman she has an appointment with, and we find out that Sheri is there to look at an apartment. The very same apartment that Isn’t Sharon Stone took a header off of the balcony like 45 seconds ago. Sharon Stone and the woman go upstairs, and we find out that Sharon Stone is a book editor and likes the apartment, especially the balcony. The woman showing the apartment never mentions that tenants are expressly forbidden to throw each other off of the balcony. Hey, I’m just saying from what I’ve seen in this movie so far, it might be a good idea to get that idea out there as soon as possible.

We cut away from that pretty non-riveting glimpse into Manhattan real estate to the publishing house where Sharon Stone works. Sharon Stone is walking to her office with her friend and her friend is chattering away about getting them tickets to see Pavarotti, and Sharon Stone keeps saying she hates Pavarotti.

Anyway, Sharon Stone no likee the opera, oh and she wasted seven years of her life being married to some guy. How she specifically wasted those seven years isn’t mentioned, but we do know that Sharon Stone now hates her ex-husband, the opera, and the ballet.

Sharon Stone’s friend isn’t happy to hear about Sheri’s culture war, because Sharon Stone’s friend wants a man, and it sounds like she’s going to use Sharon Stone as wingman bait. By the way, Sharon Stone has taken off that hat in this scene, so this is actually a believable theory.

Sharon Stone makes some noise about wanting a relationship, but Sharon Stone’s friend says she’s got to get out there and circulate, mainly so Sharon Stone’s friend doesn’t have to do it alone. This is why, for the rest of the recap we will refer to Sharon Stone’s friend as The Sperm Hunter.

Some guy sticks his head in Sharon Stone’s office and asks her when she’s going to be done editing that James Dean biography, and Sharon Stone tells him she’ll get it done by the weekend. Some Guy says Sharon Stone is great and she smiles as if to say, “Yes I am, and that hat totally looked fabulous on me.” Some Guy then gets his head out of the scene and The Sperm Hunter exits stage left muttering about how Sharon Stone is going to die alone.

Sharon Stone then gets down to her ultra serious job as a book editor, translation she turns her computer on. Her assistant sticks her head in Sharon Stone’s office and tells Sharon Stone the boss of the company wants to take Sharon Stone out to lunch at some fancy restaurant.

The bad news about this is that Sharon Stone knows her boss isn’t going to give her a raise. The upside for the movie is that fancy restaurants are great places to introduce douchy characters into the movie. There, you see? Everybody wins. Well except for Sharon Stone getting a pretend raise at her pretend job.

Just then Sharon Stone gets a phone call from the woman who showed her the apartment. She has good news. It turns out Sharon Stone has been approved and can move in next week. Sharon Stone thinks this is odd, and that’s only because it is, but it’s a good apartment in Manhattan, and if Sharon Stone is in a thriller and shares an apartment with a roommate they are so getting sued by the guys who made Single White Female, so she tells the woman who showed her the apartment that she’ll be moving in next week.

And with that, Sharon Stone is done working for the day. Hmm, I’m starting to not be
very surprised Sharon Stone didn’t get her pretend raise.

We cut to moving day, and Sharon Stone shows up with two little boxes, so I’m guessing she was living in a phone booth down at the bus station. Oh wait, it turns out these two boxes aren’t everything she owns, just the things that are most important to her. Lets all hope that hat isn’t in either box.

Sharon Stone stiffs the doorman for a tip, because he didn’t open the door for her, and meets Billy Baldwin, one of her new neighbors, who just happens to be hanging out in the lobby. Billy Baldwin helps Sharon Stone with her boxes, tells her about good places in neighborhood to go grocery shopping, and doesn’t get a tip either. Man, Sharon Stone not getting that pretend raise is just rippling through the fake economy, huh?

Sharon Stone then heads to the market to buy food [insert your own celebrity eating disorder joke here] and Older Bald Headed Dude just happens to be lurking by the checkout line. Older Bald Headed Dude mentions they are neighbors and says goodbye after the cashier takes the one thing he bought, put it in a paper bag and hands it back to him without ever getting paid for it. Oh man, you suck cashier extra, no fake raise for you either!

When Sharon Stone comes out of the market, Older Bald Headed Dude is waiting for her, what a camera whore. No wait, it turns out he has very important exposition to pass on to Sharon Stone. OBHD lets Sharon Stone in on the fact that the last tenant in her apartment looked just like her and took a header off the balcony. Sharon Stone achieves the appropriate level of freak out at this information, and then Older Bald Headed Dude promises to give her all the dirt on what is going on the building as soon as he gets back from Japan where he is going to get info for some psych class he teaches at NYU about cameras and psychology.

Oh and Tom Berenger comes out of an elevator sporting a really unfortunate haircut and picks up his mail. He also makes a world class poop face when Older Bald Headed Dude promises to catch Sharon Stone up on all the hot building gossip, but I’m sure that’s not going to have any implications later in the movie, right?

Sharon Stone then goes up to her apartment, and hey what do you know? She’s not a hobo! Movers came and brought all her stuff, most of which she hasn’t unpacked. Sharon Stone then spends the rest of the night putting golf balls into a coffee cup, looking at a party in the neighboring building and masturbating in her weird round bathtub to classical music. Man, it sucks when you’re waiting for the cable guy to show up, huh?

While Sharon Stone is letting her fingers do the walking, the camera pans back to her bathroom mirror and we come to find out that someone is watching Sharon Stone on one of those surveillance cameras from the opening credits. Oh, and not only that whoever is doing this has been taping Sharon Stone from the minute she stepped foot in the apartment. We don’t know who is producing their own personal reality show, but we know whoever it is they are creepy and pervy. How old was John Mayer in 1993? Really? Okay, I’ve got zero suspects at this point in the movie then.

We then cut to a fancy restaurant, and Sharon Stone totally called it, her boss, Martin Landau, isn’t forking over that fake raise. Oh but he’s making it up to her, by trying to fix her up with complete douchebag Tom Berenger.

And Tom Berenger is a complete and utter tool in this movie as we know from the first time opens his mouth and literally laughs, “ha-ha-ha-ha,” while throwing his head back. Actually modeling a male character after Gloria Swanson in Sunset Strip is kind of a bold move for a male actor, so we’ll give him a pass on that one.

Also we find out Tommy’s a writer who wrote some books like five or six years ago that sold really well, but nothing since. Oh and he has a ranch in Montana. For some reason that last bit makes Martin Landau spritz himself like Whoopie in her new appalling commercials.

Martin Landau immediately tries to play cupid when Tom Berenger comes over and tells Tommy that Sharon Stone just luvvvs his books. Tom Berenger isn’t surprised, because he’s a self satisfied douche, which is why his pouty face comes out for a visit when Sharon Stone calls monkeyshines on Martin Landau’s last statement. That’s okay though, because Tommy puts on a happy face and tells Martin Landau that Sharon Stone will read his books, because no woman can resist his powerful and masterful typing, and then Tommy promptly exits stage left.

As soon as Tom Berenger is out of earshot, Sharon Stone starts ripping into Martin Landau (a) for no fake raise, and secondly trying to breed her with Tom Berenger. She also waves her d-i-v-o-r-c-e around, but Marty Landau calls his own shenanigans on that one because he says Sharon Stone ended the marriage. You know, this scene could be considered to be kind of a waste of time, if it wasn’t a fascinating peek into the main priority of Sharon Stone’s publishing house, namely getting her laid at any cost.

Okay, Sharon Stone comes home after a long hard day of fancy lunches, no fake raises and narrowly avoiding being impregnated by Tom Berenger, to find a whole bunch of luggage out in the hallway. Sharon stone goes down the hallway and meets her neighbor, Vida. (Although if you ever saw the series Rome on HBO you’ll know her as Atia of the Juli, the biggest bitch of the late Roman Republic, and the most awesome bad mom evah! So Yay!!) Vida tells Sharon Stone that she just got in from Milan, and it sounds like she’s a photographer, oh and that some guy left a package for Sharon Stone with her.

Oh and Vida can’t help but mention that Sharon Stone looks a whole lot like Isn’t Sharon Stone, and how she was totally shocked when Isn’t Sharon Stone joined the cement diving team, because she totally didn’t seem like the type.

With this bit of valuable exposition out of the way, the phone rings. By the way, it’s awesome to watch this movie and Basic Instinct, if for no other reason then to remember that in the early 90′s cordless phones were roughly the size of boom boxes. Anyway, Vida tells Sharon Stone it’s her agent, and starts swearing into the phone as Sharon Stone exits stage left. Oh and as soon as Sharon Stone exits the room we find out Vida isn’t really a photographer who goes to Milan, but is a hooker who goes to hotels.

Sharon Stone makes it back to her apartment and checks out the package Vida gave her. It’s full of the books Tom Berenger wrote, with a little note saying he’s always in control.

While Sharon Stone is checking out her bundle of a-holishness, she turns on her answering machine and there is a message from Billy Baldwin reminding her that he carried her boxes almost all the way up to her apartment on the day that she moved in, and that if she is having any problems with her apartment because he “has some pull with the management.”

Sharon Stone does an excellent job of ignoring Billy Baldwin’s voice mail, mainly because somebody left a big brass telescope in her apartment. Who’s it from? We don’t know, because it’s just got a note that says it’s from her secret admirer. Instead of freaking out because somebody she doesn’t know seems to be able to come in her apartment at will, she decides it’s a great time to spy on her neighbors across the way and gets to check out an old guy doing jumping jacks.

And, just to make things artsy fartsy, while Sharon Stone is spying on her neighbors, somebody is watching her on those surveillance cameras again. Oh and we also see Vida the hooker neighbor with a Tony Montana amount of cocaine on a mirror, which for some reason she licks off the mirror instead of snorting. We cut to Sharon Stone, naked but not rubbing one out in the shower, and finish up with Older Bald Headed Dude collapsed in the shower with a trickle of blood seeping out of his noggin. Hmm, it looks like Sharon Stone is going to need to find a new gossip connection now, huh?

Oh and after her shower Sharon Stone calls up Billy Baldwin and invites him to a party she is going to throw on Friday, and then she starts to read Tom Berenger’s book and makes a face like he just laughed like Gloria Swanson again.

We cut to the next day and Sharon Stone is going jogging in the park when we see a guy in a menacing hoodie, who then proceeds to jump out and grab Sharon Stone. Okay, it’s just Tom Berenger trying to be funny, which he’s not, but he’s not laughing, and at this point in the movie we should take what we can get. Anyway he just wanted to check in with Sharon Stone so she could tell him how awesome his books were, and he could let her know he had been prying into her life, including her d-i-v-o-r-c-e, oh and to see it maybe he and Sharon Stone could hump some time soon.

Sharon Stone manages to control her gag reflex and asks if Tom Berenger sent her the telescope. Tom Berenger then gets confused because he didn’t send her the telescope, and Sharon Stone uses this opportunity to flee the scene and Tom Berenger can’t keep up because he’s a big tub of goo.

There is a very important lesson here. If you keep aerobically fit you won’t have to have sex with Tom Berenger. Then again, jogging would cut into my TV and love of fatty foods, so I’m going to risk it. Yay hypocrisy, you make life so much more enjoyable!

After a demanding workout of avoiding Tom Berenger’s penis, Sharon Stone gets back to her apartment to find out that Older Bald Headed Dude has gone to the Big Men’s Hair Club in the sky. She gets interviewed by a lady detective who is played by CCH Pounder, who also played a lady detective on The Shield, and Sharon Stone tells the lady detective that she and Older Bald Headed Dude talked the day she moved in and OBHD told Sharon Stone that she looked like Isn’t Sharon Stone, and the lady detective tells her she was right.

Sharon Stone then goes up to her apartment and uses her telescope to watch what is going on down in the street, which is perfectly logical behavior if you are a character in a bad thriller. Still, it pays off plot wise, because Sharon Stone just happens to catch Tom Berenger talking with Vida the hooker neighbor, and Tom Berenger gives Vida some money. Well, that’s one way to keep women from running away I guess.

Sharon Stone then heads down to the library to use the microfiche machines, and oh god, she’s wearing that freaking hat again. I don’t know, maybe it helps Sharon Stone get her Nancy Drew on?

Anyway Sharon Stone finds out that her building is actually known as “the horror high rise,” and that Isn’t Sharon Stone was the third person to die under mysterious circumstances. Sharon Stone is greatly troubled by this news, or somebody told her right before the take that her personal assistant had to leave early for the day.

We cut to Sharon Stone opening the door for her party and Tom Berenger being there. Sharon Stone points out that she didn’t invite Tom Berenger, but he’s brought champagne and has a penis, which is good enough for Sperm Hunter to get him through the front door. Right on heels Billy Baldwin comes squinting through the door and it looks like we got us a party.

Naturally, before anyone gets fed, there is the giving of exposition, in this case done by Tom Berenger. Tom tells everyone how nobody knows who knows the apartment building they live in, and the ownership is covered up by a bunch of dummy corporations and false fronts. Oh and Billy Baldwin takes this time to quietly call Tom Berenger a dick, which causes his stock to rise with Sharon Stone even though he looks like the poster boy for narcolepsy.

After everyone loads up on appetizers they watch a couple of Sharon Stone’s neighbors do it through her telescope. Man, the cable guy still hasn’t come yet? Eh, a little pervy, but it beats the hell out of Pictionary.

The party breaks up but not before Billy Baldwin talks Sharon Stone into going to work out with him at this gym later on, and somehow Tom Berenger gets Sharon Stone to practically commit to going to dinner with him. Huh, what, who? Yeah, pretty confusing, but Tom Berenger apologizes for being a dick and is almost likeable.

We cut to sometime later on and Sharon Stone is doing her laundry. Everything is pretty boring right up until the power goes out and Sharon Stone starts hearing these scary noises. Sharon Stone starts to freak out, but to be fair; the creepy music has started playing so it’s kind of understandable. She manages to get out of the laundry room and heads for this door with an exit sign over it, and somebody is on the other side of the door! Ack! The lights come on and it’s just Billy Baldwin and those scary noises Sharon Stone was hearing? Garbage dropping down the garbage chute.

Oh man, Sharon Stone totally over reacted huh? Why you’d think she was living in an apartment building where a bunch of people got killed, including a woman who looked just like her and lived in her apartment. Oh crap, right. Anyway, Billy Baldwin says they need to take a break from the terrifying chore of doing laundry, and they exit stage left.

They get down to the gym and don’t get a whole lot of exercising done, but it does give Billy Baldwin the chance to tell Sharon Stone she’s got a nice butt, and put his hands on it.

After making a mockery of glute exercises, they head back to his place, and we find out that Billy Baldwin designs video games and in an inspired moment of WTF exposition, he tells Sharon Stone that one day he would like to fly into a volcano. And no, I did not make that last part up, Joe Ezterhas did, and that’s why he got paid millions of dollars for the script. Well that, and they were doing a ton of yayo in Hollywood in the early 90′s.

Anyway, after sharing that completely ridiculous fact, Billy Baldwin and Sharon Stone get busy getting a sex scene into the movie. That sex scene is promptly followed by another sex scene, only in the second one Billy Baldwin and Sharon Stone do it with the drapes open, only they were open before, so it’s pretty much the same as the first sex scene, only shorter.

Oh and after everyone is done getting their freak on, Billy Baldwin mentions that he is the mysterious person who owns the building. Sharon Stone is a little creeped out because Billy Baldwin is the reason she got approved for the apartment in like 20 minutes.

Billy Baldwin tells her not to get mad, because he just thought they could be happy together. Good one Billy, nothing creepy in that last sentence. Anyway Sharon Stone Finally gets dressed and heads back to her apartment.

Sharon Stone gets back to her apartment and listens to a series of messages from Sperm Hunter and actually is in a pretty good mood because she ended a long dry spell on the humping front. Then she falls asleep on the couch, and we find out Billy Baldwin is the guy who’s been watching her on those surveillance cameras.