Trashback: Sexy Crap

Hi Gasmi, you know I think it’s time to pay tribute to the unsung heroes of crap cinema, the screenwriters. Now there have been some screenwriters out there who’ve ginned out some pretty tasty crap over the years, but there is one man who stands above all others in getting bad ideas up on the silver screen; of course I’m talking about Joe Ezterhas. I’ve got to say, this man’s output of crap is not only amazing for the raw amount, but more so for the quality of dumb movies he churned out over the years. This is why just picking one Joe Ezterhas to make fun of is a close to having a Sophie’s Choice moment as Trashback could ever have, so I made a brilliant decision. I’m declaring March 2010 to be Joe Ezterhas month and we are going to make fun of a whole mess of Joe Ezterhas’s movies. Pretty Cool huh? Please just smile and nod, I hunger for validation.

Anyway I think I picked a good movie for us to kick this adventure off with, and I could tease you with all the dumb stuff yet to come, but really, if you like crap, then I’m only going to need to tell you to little words to get you to make the jump. Are you ready? Basic Instinct. Yep, that’s our movie, so let’s get to the good stuff.Our movie starts with a little of the old joy de sexo. Two people are humping like methed out muskrats on a big bed that just happens to be sitting under a huge mirror mounted on the ceiling. By the way, is there any way to mount a mirror over your bed that doesn’t make you look like a total skeeve? Yeah I didn’t think so either. Show of hands how many of you think John Mayer won’t sleep under a bed unless there’s a mirror over it? God, we think so much alike it’s scary. Wait, what the hell were we talking about? Oh crap, the movie! Thanks, you’re the bestest.

So, we watch these people we don’t know engaging in serious R rated sex (which means tons of boobies, zero doodles). The guy kind of looks like he’d have a mirror over his bed, but we don’t get a look at the girl’s face because her hair is in the way. This goes on for awhile until the girl pulls out a white silk scarf and ties the guy’s hands to the headboard, then she starts ridding his crotch like it’s one of those horsies out in front of the grocery store and mommy just gave her a handful of quarters, and then she whips out an ice pick and stabs mirror dude somewhere between two, and maybe a jillion times.

We cut to the next day and the cops are swarming over what is now a murder scene, and we get to meet our hero in this little flick, Michael Douglas. MD shows up with his partner, who is played by a guy who was one of the original cops on Law and Order. They get filled in on the situation, namely that Mirror Dude got used as a human pin cushion, and he used to be a rock star, and he owned a nightclub, and was good friends with the mayor.

That last bit is the reason why a bigwig police captain is just hanging around the investigation. The police captain is played by the guy who was the old pitcher in Major League who rubbed snot on the ball, and as an actor all the script asks him to do in this movie is in every scene to give the impression someone just hammered a metal rod up his poop chute. By the way he totally nails it!

The cops use a black light to see all the stains on the sheets, make fun of the victim, and then Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy head out to talk to the last person who saw Mirror Dude alive, his girlfriend.

Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy head over to this pretty ritzy house and when they ask to speak with the girlfriend, the maid has them wait while she goes to get her. This girl comes down the stairs. MD and Law and Order Guy put their game faces on and tell the girl Mirror Dude is dead. The first question out of her mouth is to ask if someone killed him, oh and she’s totally not broken up over this news. Law and Order Guy calls her on this and she ignores the question and tells them Mirror Dude’s girlfriend is at her beach house.

Michael Douglas asks just who the hell she is, and she introduces herself as Roxie, the girlfriend’s “friend”, oh and by the way you can totally hear those quotes when she says friend. Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy immediately poop a brick, but can you blame them? I mean what are the odds of running into a lesbian in San Francisco?

Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy beat feet out of there before they come down with a terminal case of the cooties and head over to Stinson Beach to talk to the real Mirror Dude girlfriend.

They pull up at a super ritzy beach house, and find the girlfriend out looking at the ocean, and because we’ve seen the movie poster, it’s no big surprise that girlfriend is Sharon Stone. Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy let Sharon Stone know that her boyfriend went to the big swinger’s club hot tub in the sky and ask her a few questions where the learn the following information.

Sharon Stone was fucking Mirror Dude, but not in love with him. Sharon Stone likes fucking. Fuckity fuck fuck with a double side order of fuck, and that if they aren’t charging Sharon Stone with a crime they can get the fuck out. You can tell right from the get go that Michael Douglas is taken with Sharon Stone, but that might only be because judging by the last 30 seconds of conversation, he’s got an excellent chance of beating her at Scrabble.

With all that serious police work out of the way Michael Douglas heads back to the station for his mandatory counseling session with the department shrink, Jeanne Triplehorn. We find out Michael Douglas isn’t drinking, smoking or doing coke, which is good. We also find out that since he stopped making the sweet, sweet love with Jeanne Triplehorn he’s been whacking the willie something fierce, which I could have gone the whole movie without knowing.

Jeanne Triplehorn has pretty much the same attitude towards Michael Douglas that I had, sobriety good, masturbation updates not so much. This kind of bothers me, because if you start thinking like Jeanne Triplehorn the odds of ending up in a polygamous marriage to Bill Paxon skyrocket.

With that out of the way, Michael Douglas then heads over to a meeting with the other detectives on the case so they can go over all the off screen detecting they were doing while Sharon Stone was dropping F-bombs like a B-52 and Michael Douglas has giving out baloney bopping updates. We find out the only person who comes close to being a suspect is Sharon Stone, because even though she’s rich from inheriting a bunch of money from her folks, and is super smart, and married a boxer who just happened to drop dead in the ring, she also just happened to have written a book about an old rock star who was murdered by his girlfriend in the exact same way as Mirror Dude.

We go the next day, and the cops meet with Jeanne Triplehorn, and this guy who is a super expert on psycho killers, who just happens to be played by the guy who was Ned in Groundhog Day. Ned From Groundhog Day tells the cops that either the person who wrote the book killed Mirror Dude, (in other words, Sharon Stone, oh and if she did, then she is crazy) or somebody who really super duper hates Sharon Stone killed Mirror Dude to frame Sharon Stone. Oh and that second person? They’re crazy too. Also when Ned From Groundhog Day brings up this second theory the camera cuts to Jeanne Triplehorn who looks like she just silently farted in an elevator.

It’s an interesting theory, but they still have no idea who killed Mirror Dude, so Michael Douglas’s boss tells him and Law and Order Guy to bring Sharon Stone in for questioning, because if nothing else it advances the plot.

Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy drive back out the beach house and ask Sharon Stone to come downtown to answer a few questions. Sheri doesn’t have a problem with that and tells them to come inside while she gets changed into some more appropriate clothes for being questioned by the police.

The guys come inside and notice that Sharon Stone has a whole bunch of old newspapers with headlines about Michael Douglas shooting tourists. Law and Order is pretty concerned by this but Michael Douglas has bigger fish to fry; translation, watching Sharon Stone get buck neeked because she didn’t close the door when she went in to change. Once Sharon Stone gets into her slinky dress, everybody exits stage right.

After trying to get Michael Douglas to smoke in the car on the way over, and talking about her new book that’s going to be about a police detective who gets killed, Sharon Stone goes in to the police headquarters to give her statement, which pretty much consists of her flashing her hoo-haw. Look, I could give you a blow by blow of this scene, but all you need to know about it you can learn just by looking at these pictures of Newman from Seinfeld.

Anyway, Sharon Stone mainly lets her vahoohoo do the talking, but she does take a little time out to point out to the cops that she would have to be pretty stupid to kill someone the exact same way she had in a book she wrote, and after trying to get Michael Douglas to smoke again offers to take a lie detector test.

The next we see of Sharon Stone, she’s on a close circuit TV strapped to a polygraph, and when the guy with glasses comes into the room where everyone is watching TV he tells them she passed with flying colors. This news is met with great sadness by everyone in the room, because that means they’re fresh out of suspects for their murder investigation, and chances are Sharon Stone is going to stop using her vagina to send them semaphore messages.

This is right when Michael Douglas says Sharon Stone is lying. Everyone wants to know how Mikey can be so sure, so Michael Douglas tells them he knows someone who fooled the machine. Someone who is a cop, and shot a bunch of tourists, and whose dad is Spartacus…but not him, a friend.

Even though Michael Douglas’s spidey sense is tingling they still kick Sharon Stone loose, and Michael Douglas just happens to offer her a ride home. It’s a pretty uneventful ride, Michael Douglas gives Sharon Stone a hard time about beating the polygraph machine and Sharon Stone keeps riding him on those tourists he shot. They trade some smoldering glances and then Michael Douglas drops her off at her big fancy house.

Well with that out of the way, Michael Douglas heads out to hook up with the guys after work. As soon as Michael Douglas comes through the door he orders a double Jack Daniels and gets the stinkeye from all his buddies, because apparently tourist shootings skyrocket when he doesn’t order club soda.

Law and Order Guy actually says, “are you sure you want to do that hoss?” Law and Order Guy talks like that all the time in the movie and Michael Douglas calls him cowboy even though Law and Order Guy sounds like a native of the tri-state area, and this never gets explained anywhere in the movie. By the way Joe Ezterhas got three million dollars for this script, and there was a bidding war. Hollywood is a magical place.

Anyway, Michael Douglas just wants to have seven or eight double whiskeys and tell his buddies that Sharon Stone is GILL-TEE. Too bad for him this creepy internal affairs cop, played by the guy who was the commandant at the military school that Frances went to on Malcolm in the Middle is sitting at another table. Malcolm in the Middle Guy starts giving Michael Douglas a hard time for falling off the wagon and calling him shooter.

This leads to Michael Douglas jumping up and telling Malcolm in the Middle Guy to back off, in the most unconvincing bad ass display of 1992. Jeanne Tripplehorn comes through the door just then and breaks up this little scuffle before it gets going, and Malcolm in the Middle Guy gives her a hard time for being a little kissy face with Michael Douglas. This causes Jeanne Triplehorn to try to act super pissed off at Malcolm in the Middle Guy too, and apparently overacting is an aphrodisiac for Michael Douglas and Jeanne Tripplehorn, because they promptly take off for her place.

When Michael Douglas and Jeanne Triplehorn get back to her apartment they have a wild night of passionate kinky sex that consists of the following activities. Michael Douglas pushing Jeanne Triplehorn up against the wall. Michael Douglas sticking his fingers in Jeanne Triplehorn’s mouth. Michael Douglas yanking all the buttons off Jeanne Triplehorn’s blouse. Michael Douglas honking her boobies. Michael Douglas bending Jeanne Triplehorn over the sofa, leaning into her, and making the same face I make every year two days after Halloween when I’m constipated from eating too much candy, annnnnnnnnnd we’re done!

Wow pretty steamy huh? What? All night? Eh, all night is way overrated, and this way leaves plenty of time to watch Step By Step repeats.

Actually Michael Douglas and Jeanne Triplehorn cuddle on the floor and Jeanne Triphehorn wants to know Sharon Stone was like, and Michael Douglas does an awesome job of not mentioning seeing her hoo-haw.

Jeanne Triplehorn thinks this would be a great time to mention that she went to college with Sharon Stone. Michael Douglas thinks this is information he could have used sooner, and Jeanne Triplehorn thinks this is a great time to point out she wasn’t too happy with their earlier group activity of the night. Michael Douglas says he wants a cigarette and Jeanne Triplehorn says he can get one when he gets the hell out.

Are you paying attention out there? Do you see what happens when couples talk instead of watching TV? No one ever gets this angry in the middle of The Ghost Whisperer, I mean besides Patricia Arquette.

We cut to the next morning Michael Douglas shows up a little late for work, and his boss gives him a hard time for looking like crap. Also, while Michael Douglas was drinking, smoking, and engaging in awkward sofa sex, Joe Ezterhas put a clue in the script, the other detectives were doing police work, and found out Sharon Stone’s counselor in college died under mysterious circumstances.

All the other cops go to investigate this murder, but Michael Douglas’s boss sends him to follow Sharon Stone around. Why? Because he’s the star of the movie, and the stars not only get the biggest trailers, they get the coolest jobs too.

So Michael Douglas decides he’s going to tail Sharon Stone. She’s driving a Ferrari and because this isn’t Miami Vice, Michael Douglas isn’t. Sharon Stone loses Michael Douglas and he almost plows head first into a Greyhound bus, but thanks to the script he just happens to find her car parked in front of this little house in Mill Valley.

Later that night Sharon Stone comes out of the house, says goodbye to an older lady that thanks to Michael Douglas peeking in her mailbox we know is named Hazel Dobson. Anyway, Sharon Stone hops back in her Ferrari, and Michael Douglas’s tail is back on, for about a half a block, until Sharon Stone runs a red light and leaves Michael Douglas in the dust. Man, he’s just not good at this at all. Maybe he should have taken a driving course at the police academy instead of that class in advanced smoldering glances. Hey, I’m just saying it would have come in handy right about now.

After stopping by Sharon Stone’s beach house to watch her parade around in her living room naked (don’t ask), Michael Douglas heads back to the station to do a little police work that doesn’t involve rifling through people’s mail, or sneaking on to their property to peek at them in their birthday suits. He looks up the name of the lady Sharon Stone spent the day with, and finds out she was convicted of four counts of homicide back in 1955.

Luckily for the purposes of exposition, Law and Order Guy shows up so he can tell Michael Douglas that professor who got killed when Sharon Stone was going to college was Sharon Stone’s counselor, oh and that lady on the computer? Law and Order Guy just happens to know that she killed her husband and three kids and never gave a reason for it. You know that cowboy talk is pretty annoying, but Law and Order Guy is working like one of Santa’s little elves to keep the plot going, so yay!

We cut to the next day and Michael Douglas is over at Sharon Stone’s beach house. Why? Well the odds of her coming to Michael Douglas’s office and getting naked are pretty slim. Oh, and also he wants to ask why she’s hanging out with murdering old ladies and why her college counselor got killed just like Mirror Dude.

Sharon Stone is pretty non-pulsed by these questions. She hangs out with the old lady because she’s a writer, and yes, that makes zero sense to me too. Also as for the guy in her book getting killed just like her college counselor, well that’s because she’s a writer too, and we now move past zero common sense into imaginary numbers common sense.

Oh and the whole time she is letting us in on the fact she’s a writer, and she writes; she’s making her and Michael Douglas drinky winkies and using an ice pick to hack up the ice. Then because she’s only just begun to screw with Michael Douglas’s noggin, she starts calling him shooter again, and talking about those tourists he shot.

It turns out Mikey was on coke when he thinned out the line to go see Alcatraz that day, and that’s why Michael Douglas’s wife killed herself. Michael Douglas was all set to kiss Sharon Stone because they have this crazy sexual chemistry (no really, they do, it’s right in the script on page 16) but after she brings up his dead wife, Michael Douglas shoves her away and flares his nostrils like he’s about to suck up all the air in the room in one breath.

Sadly we don’t get to see Michael Douglas show off his lung capacity, because Roxie the friendly lesbian shows up and after Sharon Stone honks her bobbie they start making out. This is also right about when Michael Douglas and his giant nostrils march out of the house.

Michael Douglas makes a bee line back to police headquarters so he can start screaming to Jeanne Triplehorn about someone seeing his confidential psych file. Jeanne Triplehorn tells him it’s totally against the law for anyone to see that file, but just because she really cares about Michael Douglas, she might have given the file to Malcolm in the Middle Guy.

Michael Douglas then stomps down to Malcolm in the Middle Guy’s office, slams him up against a wall and accuses him of selling Michael Douglas’s file to Sharon Stone. Michael Douglas’s nostrils are big enough to fit Kate Gosslin’s head inside them, so we know he’s not kidding around.

Some other cops come in and pry Michael Douglas off of Malcolm in the Middle Guy, and holy crap, one of them is Mulder and Scully’s boss from the X-Files. Anyway Malcolm in the Middle Guy starts woofing about Michael Douglas being through as a cop.

Law and Order Guy catches up with Michael Douglas in the parking lot and tells him he’s in big trouble, but Michael Douglas isn’t too concerned, because he’s about to do what all great detectives do when the chips are down.

The next we see of Michael Douglas he’s lying on his couch, getting drunk and watching The Jeffersons. Did I say all great detectives do this? Whoops, looks like I made a mistake; well either that or I never read that particular Sherlock Holmes story.

Just then Jeanne Triplehorn lets herself in to Michael Douglas’s apartment because he gave her a key when they were going out and she never got around to giving back. We’ll ignore this stalky behavior , because Jeanne Triplehorn says the only reason she gave that file to Malcolm in the Middle Guy was so he wouldn’t fire Michael Douglas, even though Malcolm in the Middle Guy hates Michael Douglas and the file specifically mentions Michael Douglas being a huge fan of the devil’s dandruff. You know, they never mention it in the movie, but I’m pretty sure that if the birds had ever eaten her trail of breadcrumbs, Jeanne Triplehorn never would have been able to find her way back to work every day.

Surprise, surprise, Michael Douglas isn’t exactly ready to forgive Jeanne Triplehorn just yet and the conversation somehow ends up with Michael Douglas telling Jeanne Triplehorn that maybe if she went to a shrink she might be able to have an orgasm. Luckily Jeanne Triplehorn is calm, cool, and collected and she responds by telling Michael Douglas, and I quote, “Blarahhhhhhh!” and trying to scratch his eyes out.

Oh and I just have to mention that I love that Michael Douglas immediately decides that if Jeanne Triplehorn isn’t getting a bingo, she must be doing it wrong. Remind after this is over to google how many times Joe Ezterhas has been married.

Michael Douglas holds Jeanne Triplehorn off, and then pushes her away. Jeanne Triplehorn immediately apologises and tells Michael Douglas she’s not normally like that, which is a complete shame. I can just picture someone asking Jeanne Triplehorn if she wants cream in her coffee and her coming back with a peppy “Blarahhhhhh!” That would be awesome, but I’m getting off message again, huh? Anyway Michael Douglas tells Jeanne Triplehorn to go home because 227 is about to start, and whenever Michael Douglas gets really down in the dumps, Jackée is the only one who can cheer him up.

We cut ahead to later that night, and Michael Douglas has fallen asleep on the couch and wakes up to the telephone ringing. We don’t hear the full conversation, but Michael Douglas tells whoever he’s talking to that he’ll be right down.

The scene cuts again to a crime scene downtown and when Michael Douglas gets down there he finds out somebody killed Malcolm in the Middle Guy, and Mikey is the prime suspect. Michael Douglas’s boss takes his gun, tells him to show up to answer some questions the next day.

They interview Michael Douglas in the same room that they interviewed Sharon Stone in earlier in the movie, and the whole session pretty much goes the same exact way as hers too only Michael Douglas doesn’t have a vagina to wave around, which is just as well, because Newman doesn’t show up, so it would be kind of a waste.

Michael Douglas is looking awfully guilty when Jeanne Triplehorn breezes in to let everyone know she stopped by Michael Douglas’s apartment the night before so he could tell her she was frigid, to check on how his state of mind, and by the way it was just fine. This is good enough to keep Michael Douglas from being charged with murder, but not enough to keep him from getting suspended, and snot ball pitcher from Major League tells Michael Douglas he’s going to have to come in and talk with some psychologists he’s not banging. Okay, not the best day at work, but definitely not the worst either.

On his way to pack up his stuff Michael Douglas has a little talk with Jeanne Triplehorn and she is all smiles and sunshine today. They talk a little bit about Sharon Stone on the way out to her car, and Jeanne Triplehorn says she had Sheri in some classes in college but didn’t really know her, and then they have a little lip lock in the parking lot.

After Michael Douglas finds out from another guy he works with that Sharon Stone’s parents died in a very suspicious accident that nobody could prove was a murder he heads for home, and guess who’s waiting for him? No, not Mr. T, which is a shame because Michael Douglas could really use some time in a non-jibber-jabber zone right now.

Nope, it’s good old Sharon Stone, who just happened to hear that Michael Douglas’s arch enemy got killed and that Michael Douglas got suspended from the police force, and of course Michael Douglas just has to invite her into his apartment for a drink. Well for the good of the plot he has to invite her in, so just go with it.

They have a drink and Sharon Stone asks Michael Douglas if he has any coke. Okay, now for the record Sharon Stone has been constantly pressuring Michael Douglas to smoke, drink, and now do drugs for this entire movie, if she tries to get him to get in a van with strangers this will officially turn into an after school special.

Oh and she also gives Michael Douglas another one of her books. This one is about a kid who kills his parents, pretty much the same way her parents accidentally died. They flirt a little more, and then Sharon Stone leaves but not before telling Michael Douglas she’ll be at some nightclub later that night. She exits stage right, right as Law and Order guy shows up with a pizza to tell Michael Douglas that nothing good will come of him hanging out with Sharon Stone.

The next scene is at a night club and Michael Douglas is wearing a v-neck shirt just like Simon would wear on Idol. Wow, Law and Order Guy totally called that one, huh? The dance tunes are pumping, and Michael Douglas doesn’t see Sharon Stone anywhere around, but he does see Roxie, the friendly lesbian and follows her into the men’s room.

No, Roxie doesn’t have an advanced case of penis envy, that’s where she and Sharon Stone are doing coke with some guy in one of the stalls. Oh crap Michael Douglas, stay out of the van! Jan Brady got in one and she turned into a hooker. Okay, false alarm on the coke front, because it looks like Sharon Stone isn’t in the mood to share, and closes the stall door.

Now that just about everyone has loaded up on Bolivian Army marching powder they hit the dance floor to shake their grove things. Sharon Stone makes out with Roxie the friendly lesbian for awhile and when Michael Douglas walks up Roxie honks Sharon Stone’s boobies, but Sharon Stone leaves Roxie for Michael Douglas and starts grinding up against him.

This doesn’t sit to well with Roxie, and she decides to express her feelings through interpretive dance. Mere words just won’t do it justice, and neither will a screen shot. If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to get a hold of copy right now, just to see Roxie express jealously, rage, and jazz hands. Trust me, it’s not to be missed.

Too bad for Roxie Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas completely ignore her, start making out, and then head out to get another sex scene into this movie.

We cut back to Sharon Stone’s place and she and Michael Douglas are going at it hot and heavy. After awhile Sharon Stone whips out a white scarf and ties Michael Douglas’s hands to the headboard, starts bouncing on him like the girl was bouncing on Mirror Dude at the beginning of the movie, reaches back like she’s going for an ice pick and then slams forward, and doesn’t kill him. Come on, we’re still in the second act we’ve got a whole lot of movie to go before something like that would happen.

Afterwards Michael Douglas wakes up and heads to the bathroom to go winky tinky and happens to run into Roxie the friendly lesbian who isn’t feeling very friendly right now. Roxie threatens to kill Michael Douglas if he doesn’t leave Sharon Stone alone. Michael Douglas calls Sharon Stone the f@#k of the century and makes some cracks about Roxie being a man, which causes her to stomp off. Congratulations Michael Douglas, you just won a penis measuring contest…with somebody who doesn’t have a penis. But hey, a wins a win, right?

Michael Douglas wakes up the next morning and Sharon Stone left him a note saying she went to her beach house. Mikey drives out and when he gets there Roxie is still giving him the stink eye. Michael Douglas tries to get lovey dovey with Sharon Stone, but she’s not in the mood for that stuff this morning. Michael Douglas asks her some questions about Mirror Dude and her and Roxie the friendly lesbian, and Sharon Stone actually tells Michael Douglas that him sleeping with her is a bad idea.

Of course Michael Douglas is in such a good mood because he’s found a woman who knows how to orgasm, that he ignores this advice and exits stage left. Well the exiting happens right after he tells Sharon Stone he’s in love with her, and he’s going to bust her for murdering Mirror Dude too. Oh mixed messages, thy name is Michael Douglas.

We cut to an amazingly fake looking cowboy bar later that night. Law and Order Guy is getting poop faced and trying to justify the way he talks in this movie. Michael Douglas shows up to say hi, but more importantly to let his buddy know he’s nailing Sharon Stone. Michael Douglas is in such a good mood because of this that he takes Law and Order Guy out for chili and exposition.

Law and Order Guy tells Michael Douglas that they found out Malcolm in the Middle Guy got a safety deposit box three months ago and they found fifty thousand smackers in it. Michael Douglas doesn’t think this makes any sense because he’d never heard of Sharon Stone three months ago. Law and Order Guy takes time out of offending Mexican couples with loud profanity to point out that maybe Malcolm in the Middle Guy got the money from someone else. This information causes Michael Douglas to think; well that, or that chili just isn’t sitting right.

After that Michael Douglas lets Law and Order Guy drive home even though he’s got a blood alcohol level of wheeeee the room is spinning! and then he heads off to get in his car. This is right when he almost gets run over by Sharon Stone’s Ferrari. Michael Douglas hops in his car, and we get a pretty good car chase if you can ignore the fact that there are about 20 points in it where the suspension should just drop out of Michel Douglas’s car.

Eventually Michael Douglas heads up driving head on towards the Ferrari screaming “come on, come on!” which is nowhere near as cool as “Blarahhhhhh!” The Ferrari swerves out of Michael Douglas’s way, which is good, but it plunges off an embankment, which is bad. It’s especially bad for Roxie the friendly lesbian, because she’s dead.

We cut to the cops showing up, and Michael Douglas’s boss is pretty pissed with his statement, which says; “I was out delivering Girl Scout cookies at 2:00 in the morning when this strange Ferrari swerved in front of my car right before plunging to its death. Oh, and PS I am so not banging Sharon Stone right now, but if I was she’d be loving it, but I’m not, so there. xoxo Michael Douglas.”

Michael Douglas’s boss then proceeds to get super duper pissed when he finds out it’s Sharon Stone’s Ferrari, and he stomps off camera. Then some little cop who never got a steady gig on a TV show tells Michael Douglas he has to talk to some psychologists at Jeanne Triplehorn’s office tomorrow, and Michael Douglas stomps off, because I guess he thought it looked cool when his boss did it.

The next morning Michael Douglas has to meet with Jeanne Triplehorn and two other psychologists, one of whom was the creepy Secretary of Defense in Independence Day, and Mikey sticks around just long enough to tell the shrinks to perform an impossible sex act. Jeanne Triplehorn wants to know what Michael Douglas’s problem is and he tells her to leave him alone, and she accuses him of sleeping with Sharon Stone.

Jeanne Triplehorn then goes on to say that Sharon Stone is bad news and she’s always seducing and manipulating people. Michael Douglas says he thought that JT said she didn’t know Sharon Stone, and Jeanne Triplehorn tells him she doesn’t, but she has a subscription to US Weekly. Michael Douglas then also points out that Jeanne Triplehorn has a degree in psychology too, so she can do everything Sharon Stone can do on the mind games front, and somehow he manages to yank her blouse and jacket down off of one of her shoulders. He walks off in a huff, and Jeanne Triplehorn pulls her clothes back up.

Michael Douglas makes a beeline over to Sharon Stone’s beach house and finds out she’s sad because she’s now short one dancing lesbian. Michael Douglas knows exactly what will cheer her up, some off camera sexing.

We come back just in time for some pillow talk. Sharon Stone tells Michael Douglas she’s never had much luck with girls. She did it one time with this girl in college and the girl started obsessing over her, following her around, taking her picture, and even changing her hairstyle to look like Sharon Stone, and that girl’s name? Perez Hilton.

Just kidding, but that would explain a lot of things about Miss Hilton. No, it was somebody named Lisa Obermann. This info makes Michael Douglas really think, or he really needs to fart and doesn’t want to do it in front of Sharon Stone.

We cut to Michael Douglas and Law and Order Guy at some police station. Yep, Michael Douglas is still suspended but Law and Order Guy is taking him around while he works on the case? Why? Who cares? We’re almost 95 minutes into this movie and nobody has tried to figure out the biggest mystery in it; how can Sharon Stone have Gene Kelly hair, and Audrey Hepburn eyebrows?

Anyway they find out that Roxie the dead dancing lesbian killed her two little brothers when she was a teenager. Law and Order Guy points out to Michael Douglas that the only people Sharon Stone hangs out with are murderers. Michael Douglas waits until they get out to the parking lot to let Law and Order Guy in on a little secret. Michael Douglas doesn’t think Sharon Stone is the killer any more. Law and Order Guy immediately tells Michael Douglas he’s a moron. You know I’m really starting to like Law and Order Guy in this movie, even though Slim Pickens was his dialog coach.

Michael Douglas heads over to Berkeley to check up on this Lisa Obermann girl but they don’t have any record of her. So after the registrar calls Michael Douglas a dick he heads over to get pissy with Sharon Stone about there being no such person. She gets a little annoyed and says she didn’t say Obermann, she said Hobermann. Oh and for the record, no she didn’t say that, but they have someone who went to Cal under that name, so Michael Douglas has another clue to move the plot along.

We go back to the police headquarters and Michael Douglas is having another one of his buddies look up Lisa Hoberman on the computer, and they find out that it Jeanne Triplehorn, and when they call up her picture from when she was in college with Sharon Stone we see one of the most unfortunate blond dye jobs of the late 20th century.

When Jeanne Triplehorn comes home, Michael Douglas wants to know what’s the deal with her and Sharon Stone. Jeanne Triplehorn says they slept together one time in college, but that was only because it was required, for gym class. Jeanne Triplehorn then says it was Sharon Stone who pulling the Perez Hilton on her, not the other way around. Michael Douglas wants to know why JT changed her name, and she says she got married to a guy, but it didn’t last, and that Sharon Stone is setting her up. Michael Douglas gives her the stinkeye and exits stage left.

When Michael Douglas gets back to his apartment Sharon Stone is waiting for him and he tells her she’s a big fat fibber because he talked with Lisa Obermann and she told Mikey that Sharon Stone was the stalker in the relationship. Sharon Stone tells Michael Douglas that she was the one being stalked and she went to the cops and filled out a police report, so there. Then she storms out, and suddenly a night of willie whacking is on the agenda for Michael Douglas.

The next day rolls around and Michael Douglas finds out that Sharon Stone did file a police report, but he can’t read it, because Malcolm in the Middle Guy got it from the campus police a year ago and never brought it back.

Michael Douglas then has another little chat and tells him that Jeanne Triplehorn has to be the murderer because the sex is better with Sharon Stone…err, everything Sharon Stone has told him checks out. Law and Order Guy takes advantage of this time to remind Michael Douglas that he’s a nitwit and stomps off.

Michael Douglas gets home and Sharon Stone is waiting for him and he’s kind of cranky until she shows him her boobies and they do it again. Afterwards Sharon Stone tells Michael Douglas she’s almost done with her book about the detective who gets killed. Michael Douglas says how about she changes the ending, and she’s like how about not shellacking your hair into a helmet, and everyone goes away unsatisfied from this one.

The next day Michael Douglas drives out to check up on Jeanne Triplehorn’s story about getting married. The good news is she is telling the truth. The bad news is she doesn’t mention her husband got murdered, and when Michael Douglas talks with the local sheriff, who was the fire captain on Rescue Me who ended up shooting himself, the guy tells Michael Douglas that the local scuttlebutt was that Jeanne Triplehorn liked girls.

Michael Douglas heads over to talk with Sharon Stone and he’s in a totally great mood because he’s pretty sure Jeanne Triplehorn is the killer, but too bad for him Sharon Stone finished her new book and dumps him. Oh and she’s got her creepy murderer friend with her, and you know what? For the life of me, I have no idea why this character is in the movie. Sorry that just slipped out. Anyway, Sharon Stone dumps him, and Michael Douglas gets the mother of all “who farted?” looks on his face.

He’s still down in the dumps later that night when Law and Order Guy stops by to tell him Sharon Stone’s roommate from college just called him up and wants to meet so she can tell Law and Order Guy the real skinny on what went down between Sharon Stone and Jeanne Triplehorn during their freshmen year. He tells Michael Douglas to come with him, but makes him stay in the car because Michael Douglas is on suspension. Well, better late then never Law and Order Guy.

Law and Order guy goes in the building and gets in the elevator to go up to the fourth floor. At the second floor, the door opens, and nobody is there. The elevator goes up to the third floor, the door opens, and nobody’s there.

Down in the car Michael Douglas suddenly get this look on his face like somebody just blew a dog whistle somewhere and goes hauling ass into the building screaming Law and Order Guy’s name, and running up the stairs. It’s all pretty dramatic, but it doesn’t do Law and Order Guy much good, because as soon as the elevator door opens up on the fourth floor, somebody in a hooded raincoat jumps out and stabs the poop out of him with an ice pick.

By the time Michael Douglas shows up the stabber is gone and he gets to Law and Order Guy just in time to hear his final words, which are and I quote, “gurgle. Gurgle.” Michael Douglas hears somebody scurrying around and grabs Law and Order Guy’s gun to catch the murderer. He runs around the corner and Jeanne Triplehorn is standing there. He tells her to freeze and put her hands on her head, but she walks towards him and is grabbing for something in her pocket, so Michael Douglas shoots her.

When Michale Douglas walks up to Jeanne Triplehorn, she tells him she still loves him and drops dead, and with that makes an immediate bid to get in the codependent girlfriend hall of fame. Michael Douglas reaches in her pocket for what she was grabbing at, and finds her key chain, and proceeds to get a little boo-hooey.

Things start moving pretty quick once the cops show up. They find the raincoat, the icepick and a blonde wig on the stairs by where Michael Douglas and when they search Jeanne Triplehorn’s apartment they find the gun that was used to shoot Malcolm in the Middle Guy, and a whole mess of pictures of Sharon Stone, so they decide Jeanne Triplehorn must have killed, well everybody.

When Michael Douglas gets home Sharon Stone is waiting for him in his apartment. She gets a little boo-hooey too and tells him how everyone she loves dies and she doesn’t want to lose him too, and then of course they start having sex again.

So they are going at it, yet again, and Sharon Stone ends up on top of Michael Douglas and starts reaching behind her, and makes that big stabby motion, and gives Michael Douglas a big hug. Then she and Michael Douglas talk about what is going to happen to them while Sharon Stone is reaching under the bed, and she makes another big stabby motion and Michael Douglas gets another big hug. Then, the camera slowly pans down to the floor and we see AN ICEPICK!!! Duh, duh DUH!!! Okay, the duh, duh, duh!!!! part is mine, but that is the end of the movie. The End.

There you have it a movie just chock full of nudity, entertainment and lessons you can use in your every day life. Such as the fact that mirrors over your bed will make you look like John Mayer, Sharon Stone is a bad influence and you should stay out of vans. I told you what happened to Jan Brady, right? If a lesbian begins to dance, you should give her what she wants, unless you really feel the need to run her car off the road. Oh, and this is very important, if you have sex with Michael Douglas and can’t have an orgasm, then it’s totally your own damn fault. At least that’s what I took away from this movie. Thanks for stopping by, we’ll talk soon.