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Monday, August 8, 2011
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****Please welcome our newest recapper to the fold, SunniSideup!
Hi, how are you? I’m Sunni Sideup, your brand new Teen Mom recapper at TVGasm. What you need to know about me is that I was born ready. Best advice I ever got on the way to college, when I was but a teen myself? ’Don’t die, and don’t get pregnant.’ It’s become the motto by which I live my life. I live in Tucson, I love Bruce Springsteen and WWE, I play a lot of roller derby, and I am a true Teen Mom fan. Earlier this summer, my best friend and I planned a trip to Oak Island, NC, to see if we could get a picture of Barb. We ended up in Carolina Beach, and didn’t make it to the Oak Island Wal-Mart to stalk down Barb. That’s probably for the best because I’ve been to jail a couple of times already in my 37 years, and I have no intention of going back, which I realize I have in common with Butch. Let me know what you like, what you want more of, or differently, for the next time. I’m really a greenhorn here, and I expect things will refine and change over time, for sure, but for now, I’m beyond thrilled and excited about this gig, and I hope you guys can dig it!
Caitlynn and Tyler
It’s Halloween on Teen Mom, and we open with Caitlynn and Tyler having some good old fashioned fun at a corn maze! Those freak me out so bad! I always want to just beeline through the corn, with no regard for cuts and scrapes from the stalks. My high school years were spent in Central Illinois, and like any corn country kid can tell you, you better be prepared to book it when Johnny Law shows up at your kegger in the country. Run and hide, run some more and hide, double-back and run back to your car, hide until the cops leave, go home not drunk but really high on adrenaline and hope your parents respect you for not drunk-driving; it’s the way of the TRUE Children of the Corn aka heartland kids. Caitlynn and Tyler look like they’re having so much fun, and yeah… they are. I worked in a haunted house a couple of times last year and the teenagers were the BEST. They scream so loud, and get SO wound up. Good times!
They need to get jobby jobs, Caitlynn tells us as she stresses over a $64 bill she has. I wish I could tell her that will change, but I’d be lying. Real Talk: Honey, It only gets worse. Next time, it’ll be a $600 vet bill for your sick doglet, or you’ll need new tires but you’ll get a speeding ticket you have to pay using your new tires fund. They decide to get jobs, and this means they’ll have to spend some time during the day apart. Caitlynn mentions to Tyler that they will be working at different places. Tyler seems to understand they need some time apart, and Caitlynn jokes about it that he doesn’t want to spend every minute with her, but I get the feeling it wouldn’t be a jokey-joke if she didn’t really actually want to spend every minute together, deep-down. It’s hard to judge that, because they’re so young but I sincerely hope it balances out for them. For now, it’s all Dr. Pepper and domestic bliss, but they do need to build some autonomy from one another. Well, I assume they do anyway. I haven’t been a bastion of healthy or long relationships, so maybe I’ve got it backwards. Maybe I need to expect that he will spend every minute of his life with me and then tease him about it if he wants a job? I dunno… My best friend tells me I need to text my crush 30 times a day, and make sure that a guy is so into me, he’s scared of his feelings and needs to push me away, so I guess Caitlynn might be on to something here with her omgTystayrightherebymekthxbye ways.
Caitlynn and Tyler are also babysitting Caitynn’s little brother Nick a lot. He’s super cute, but I have to be honest and say that I feel like these scenes are Production City. It just feels like they’re showing us what great parents Caitlynn and Tyler would have been, had they decided to keep Carly and raise her, rather than going through with the adoption. I’m open to being WAY off here, but the further we move in time from when Carly was born and adopted, the more the show has to work to give us Caitlynn and Tyler’s relevancy on Teen Mom. They belong; I’m just not sure the show has really figured out how yet, and that’s why we see so much of Butch, and so much vocalization of, “Can you imagine if Carly was here,” and “we made the right choice because we clearly don’t have the patience for this yet.” Carly always will be part of them, but I wish the show didn’t try to spoon feed us this detail. If they’re moving on, let’s see those aspects.
Back on track, Caitlynn and Tyler along with literally millions of other Americans are job seekers! Unlike millions of Americans, they get interviews. Caitlynn applied at a little boutique where she’s asked for a resume. Um, okay. I don’t know many first-timers with a resume, but okay. The boutique owner, Toni, doesn’t seem that enthusiastic about hiring an MTV reality starlet, but then again, it looks like we’re double-dipping Recession-wise and a girl’s gotta eat. Tyler interviews at a pizza joint called ‘Dan Good Pizza. I love it! Dan, the owner, isn’t half bad looking, either. He’s rockin the Luigi look, and has gorgeous green eyes. He looks manly. I notice he’s not wearing a wedding ring, either.
Mmmmm... pizza.
When asked, “Why do you want to work here,” Tyler leans in, all smiles and charm and says enthusiastically, “Well, first of all, I love pizza. It’s like, my favorite food! I eat it all the time.” Me, too, so Dan my main man, give me a call! I’ll hook ya up with tickets to roller derby, and we’ll take it from there!
Later on at home, Tyler gets the call that he got the job, and they’re both really excited, but most excited of all is Kim, Tyler’s mom. She gushes to the point of tears, and it’s really cute. We can see how proud she is that Tyler isn’t just shacking up and playing grown-up, that he’s finishing high school and doing the ever-so-normal thing of getting a high school pizzeria joblet. I bet she lost sleep over this kid, and it seems genuine how happy she is that he’s accomplished this first job. Holla, Chelsea from Teen Mom 2, you too could accomplish a baby and a first job, I know it.
They’re eating pizza and almost as soon as Tyler hangs up with Kim, Caitlynn’s phone rings, and Toni from the boutique offers her a part-time job! Tyler is so animated, and excited, it’s just adorable. He’s such a kid, but then you think about all the adult things he’s had to do (with Caitlynn, of course), it’ nice to see them as the kids they still are.
They made the very mature, unselfish decision to give Carly up for adoption, they handle the semi-open nature of it with grace and with respect for boundaries, and they deal with Butch and April by being the adults for their parents. It’s always touching to see them as kids, and to see things like Kim being so happy about Tyler’s first job that she cries. The amount of stuff these families have all been through truly pales to any teenage shenanigans I pulled, and the level of disfunction they have to fight through isn’t something to dismiss. But they make it relatable, by being easy-to-access and genuine on Teen Mom and that, mi amigos, is why we all watch I suppose.
FARRAH
The court may have granted Farrah the right to withhold visitation from Derek’s mother, but they have no say over her graduating from culinary school. She and Sophia do some housework, and I have to say that I know a LOT of people can’t stand Farrah. I love her. The scenes with Farrah and Sophia really are the most genuine on the show. They are so clearly on their own path, whereas the other girls are like, still wandering around in a corn maze. Farrah may be a bitchy hosebeast, but that girl and her daughter are doin’ their thing and doin’ it well. She’s getting ready to do her final project and cook her final menu for school, and Sophia’s helping. It’s darling, actually.
Farrah wants to renew and refresh her relationship with her sister, Ashley. They take Sophia to the pumpkin patch, and talk a bit. Farrah says she wants to move away and try things on her own, to follow her dreams. Her friends ask her about where she wants to go, what she wants to do. This is where we learn the Best Teen Mom Dream, ever. Farrah wants to be a chef, and open a restaurant. In San Jose. We later learn that her restaurant will be called F & S Restaurant, and it will be Italian/Asian fusion. Oh man, this is gonna elevate San Jose’s cuisine scene so much.
But first she has to finish her finals, which includes a presentation. Hers is based on the objective to be on the cutting edge of San Jose Italian/Asian fusion food scene. She wants an upscale restaurant, with eye-popping colors, and that caters to the entire dining experience. Debra tries to help, by taking over and telling Farrah she has to do a formal and complete business plan. Farrah’s in bitch-mode, so not much reality is getting from Debra to Farrah to paper on this business plan final project, but she’s basically writing what her mom tells her to write, only not very well in the least. Farrah’s got her sights set on a C, and you can hear Debra’s heart break a little, but she gets it. Graduating is the goal here; Sophia changed the achievement settings for better or for worse.
San Jose's hottest Italian-Asian joint, taking shape in Iowa!
Farrah pulls an all-nighter and gets her work done, but her presentation doesn’t go that well. It wouldn’t be Teen Mom if Farrah didn’t rear her supreme teen bitchface toward her mom, so she tells her mom that the faculty didn’t like the changes Debra suggested. Classic I Know More Thank You. I know a couple of teens, and yep, that’s about par for the course. Apparently, the final project was more simple than what Farrah presented. Debra had Farrah so an actual business plan, but the program really wanted something more creative, probably and more about menu. They debrief on it while at the chiropractor, because Farrah needs an adjustment to relieve some stress.
Gurl, I need some chiro right now. EARMUFFS, MOM I gotta tell this story, because it happened in Farrah’s territory, and Farrah just reminded me about needing more chiropractic care. Three months ago while playing in Omaha, which is literally across the river from Farrah’s home town, Council Bluffs, I was in a freak derby-accident and got kicked in the chest. Let me tell you, Nebraska girls are corn-fed ladies. Five years of this sport, and 32 years of being a daredevil but that was the first time my life actually flashed before my eyes. I think I’m still a little PTSD about it. There’s still a grody bone bruise that I call, ‘The Omaha Incident.’ Witness:
Farrah’s incensed that the faculty couldn’t wrap their heads around what is sure to be the next big thing in foodie circles, Italian-Asian Fusion, and Debra’s incensed that they dissed her upping the level of difficulty on the presentation. Also, the faculty told Farrah that she was bitchy and rude, which more likely means she was told she needs an attitude adjustment. She seems to have taken it in stride, almost like she’s heard this before from teachers, bosses, friends, relatives, and now thanks to MTV and Teen Mom, America. The whole family goes out to dinner, and it really does warm my heart. Debra is so proud of her daughter, and she should be. Farrah, of course, winds herself into a bitch-curl, but it kinda seems like she’s nervous about her grades, and doesn’t want to be praised for finishing just yet. She relaxes, finally, and Debra’s right on to be proud. Farrah finished high school, finished a two year program, lives on her own, and has a gorgeous healthy baby girl. Mad snaps, all around!
AMBER
Amber’s dealing with the fact that her relationship is all over the local papers, and she’s been getting harassed in public. Gary, on the other hand, seems to be spending a lot of time with his daughter as we see him coloring quietly with her, and at the park, feeding the ducks with her. It seems so much more peaceful without amber floppings around in some weird, constant state of tantrum. Gary Shirley is no prize, but why he allows this in his and Leah’s lives is beyond me. Maybe there’s a love story there, but now’s a great time to cut that cord and/or call Candy Finnegan on the Reality Show Hotline, and get Amber on Intervention. I’m a chubby chaser, and that’s a fact, but never in a million years would I have expected to feel any sort of affection for Gary Shirley. It’s just that he seems to be doing his best. His best sucks, and it sucks hard, as witnessed by the numerous times we see Leah playing with knives or chawing on a donut, but I get the feeling he’s trying. Real Talk, Gary: Ignore Amber starting now, and lasting for the rest of her life, unless or until she does some serious rehab and is committed to a completely different way of life. He’s too over-weight and too out-of-shape for this, and I truly worry he’s gonna stroke out in eight months if he doesn’t get himself and his kid out of this drama.
Amber’s been staying with her friend, at her (Amber’s) old apartment. She needs a safer neighborhood for her and Leah, because she delusionally believes that the State of Indiana is going to allow her to retain any sort of custody after seeing this show. This is a great opportunity for her to blame Gary and her entire town for her transgressions, which she does, and then proceeds to look for a new place. Because even though she had a new start and a new place with Gary two episodes ago, a new start is what she needs now.
Remember that scene in Boyz in The Hood where Ice Cube is like, “And keep that baby out tha street!” I want Ice Cube to roll up on Amber Portwood so bad. I want him to scare the crap out of her, and school her so she gets her ish together pronto. She rarely leaves the house, because of all the harassment, but she tooooootallly has time to go out with her dude friends…. And then complain some more that she hasn’t seen Leah in a few days. Her friends so know what time it is, and once again, I have to hand it to MTV for setting me up. I know I am going to cry about the Leah thing sooner, rather than later.
GO SEE YOUR BABY. She believes that when she gets a new place, she will scoop up Leah and they’ll live happily ever after with the unicorns and the rainbows. Sweet Valley High! This girl is in deep waters with absolutely no map or survival instinct whatsoever. It’s heartbreaking, really.
The next day, she sits on the couch and dramatically receives a text from Gary, a sweet picture of Leah feeding the ducks at a park. She watches some video of Leah on her phone, and it reads ‘psycho’ to me. This girl won’t get up and make an effort to go see her kid, but she can fake cry and watch camera phone footage, and chuckle under her breath about how cute her baby boo boo girl is???? It’s weird, man, it’s just weird.
He cousin Krystal comes by and when Amber mentions that she went out the night before, Krystal calls her out about having inclination to find a ride to go out with her friends, but not a ride to go visit the daughter who she whines about all the time, Amber hits Stage Five Defensive, “I’m not gonna sit around here and mope and get more depressed,’ ‘Gary won’t bring her over,’ ‘the realtor is picking me up because I can’t drive…’ Jeez… Maybe she needs Cesar Milan, not Candy Finnegan. If there isn’t a massive drug problem, this girl at least needs to learn to behave. She sometimes reminds me of some of Cesar’s most memorable scary violent dogs. If he fixed Daddy the Pitt Bull, he can fix Amber Portwood.
I’m positive this argument would have ended in a murder had Krystal not backed down in the face of Amber Fake Tears™ (and that’s Amber’s trademark, not mine) and Sotto Voce. I’m also positive that Amber’s inner monologue defaults to a very quiet and very painfully whispered, “why…. me…..” Over and over. All day. In her head. If that were to ever be shut off by a mere mortal gal-pal, Amber would panic and kill. Know this. She has been out looking for a new place for five days. If that doesn’t say she loves her daughter and is a good mom, I don’t know what does! Well, yes I do. Making an effort to see your daughter makes you a good mom. Fake crying and soft voice bullshit lip service about being a good mom does not. Know this.
Season goal for Amber? Fake cry more and better than Farrah.
Amber goes out with a realtor, Bill, and she’s really serious about getting it together and getting a place for herself and Leah. I know this by her eyes being half-open, instead of half-closed, and she’s wearing a jaunty beret. All of a sudden, Ms. I Hit My Husky Boyfriend on National TV Often is too good for the places Bill is showing her. She felt like the house they saw was too run down, but the search continues, and I hope she keeps wearing that beret so I can make a lot of jokes about it in upcoming recaps.
Later on, Amber’s mother comes by with a princess Halloween costume for Leah. Amber and her mom talk about Amber’s situation, and you can tell that it really pains her mother to watch this, but at the same time, her mother doesn’t seem to do anything. I can tell you that if I was Amber Portwood and my mother was my same mother but all other things were equal, I’d be committed and my mom would have taken Leah about a year before things got to the point they’re at for Amber, here, with the drugs and the utter lack of accountability for any lack of decision that she makes.
Gary’s mom brings Leah over to visit with Amber and Amber’s mom, and if there was any doubt that Leah doesn’t spend a lot of time with Amber, and isn’t really bonded to Amber, that’s dispelled here. Leah sticks close to Gary’s mom, and starts crying when Amber starts to dress her in her new princess costume. Amber, of course, has to whine, “Boo Boo why are you aaaaactiiiing like this?” The grandmothers know what time it is, and point out that Leah doesn’t know Amber very well… which naturally leads to, you guessed it, fake Amber tears and her mother giving lip service to the notion that when Amber gets a new place, she’ll spend more time with Leah. During this whole scene, Amber’s mother is crying quietly and once again, I’m reminded that for all the jokes, and despite that this is a popular MTV reality show (implication being, ‘how real is it’), this is Amber’s actual life and it is a bad scene. Amber asks where they’re going trick or treating, and then disparages Gary to his mother, because that’s always charming. This woman is helping raise Leah, taking time out of her day to drive Leah over to visit with Amber, and all Amber can do is throw shade on Gary and cry. You think a honey badger don’t give a shit? Amber Portwood don’t give a shit way more than any honey badger, y’all.
Amber’s old friend, Sheena has a mom (duh) who has a house for rent in a nice neighborhood. Mama Sheena was a Teen Mom, and seems very sweet. Sheena’s mom has a soft spot for teen moms, and lets Amber know that she takes care of her tenants. It seems like she really wants to be the one too give Amber a chance. She’s either a saint of a woman, or really believes in Amber. I hope she doesn’t get taken advantage of, and I hope we don’t see her lovely rental property on Hoarders next year. Amber tours the home and falls more in love with the idea of renting the American Dream, which for her is a nice house for her and her daughter to live in together. Because, you know, once Amber has a nice house, then she can show everyone how she’s a good mom. It’s that she doesn’t have a nice house which prevents her from not visiting her child and which causes her to beat her baby daddy in the head. She just needs a new start. Amber’s so crazy that I’m starting to look at this differently and with a lot fewer tears. It’s totally conceivable to me that Leah’s grandparents and Gary just deal with Amber, and that this good mother trip is something that they indulge because Amber is too crazy to be interrupted from it unless and until the correct professional team is in place for the fall out. I wonder if the Anderson, IN police department has a riot team.
MACI
Maci is the kind of girl who’s going to watch these episodes when she’s 35 and think to herself, “Man, I was such an asshole when I was young.” She knows eeeeeeverything. But she doesn’t, and she chews on her lip which tells me that she’s riding a bull I like to call The Arrogance of Youth, and she is pwning that bitch. You go, girl. She’s got a good grip on it, but she’s gonna grow up someday and I bet she’ll be pretty rad when she finally looks back and regrets some of her assholery toward Ryan and looking so arrogant all the time. Ya know what else she looks like? WWE star Heath Slater. Check it:
Is it Maci....
... or is it Heath Slater?
Maci’s trying to talk Ryan into a joint birthday party for Bentley, and I can imagine that parents and grandparents across the land can relate the Maci’s scenes this week. It’s SO FUN to figure out how to share your child on the special days. Maci and Ryan look like many co-parents on any given Wednesday and every-other-weekend: Uncomfortable, and full of emotions they get sick of dealing with every time they have to work together. She says she needs a list from him of who he’ll invite, then tells him it will be her family, his family, Kyle, and ‘whoever you’re dating at the time.’ Do I hear a whistle? I do! It’s a major penalty on Maci, for unnecessary digs! It is kind of funny to watch her work so hard for his attention, even though she has a boyfriend and trashed Ryan all the time. He just stands there and looks pretty, which is just what I like Ryan to do.
Any given Wednesday and every other weekend.
It’s Bentley’s birthday, which falls on Maci’s day with him this year. Ryan texts and asks to see him for a bit. She already has plans, to go with Kyle and Bentley to the aquarium. She asks Ryan if he’d like to join her (and Kyle) in taking Bentley to the aquarium. He turns down the invite, and Kyle’s noticeably relieved, but Maci calls Ryan to make extra positive sure that he doesn’t want to join them. It’s awkward, sure, but it’s the right thing for her to have given him a call. It’s a big deal; it’s their child’s birthday and as pushy as Maci is, she’s trying to do the right thing, I think. This stuff isn’t easy for 43 year olds, so I can only imagine what a nightmare it is as 19. When I was 19 I was at a tiny liberal arts school, majoring in bong construction and pounding 40 dogs. There’s no way I could have had a child, let alone having to navigate co-parenting with an ultra sexy ex-fiance/baby daddy.
The next day or so, Maci are Ryan are navigating the pick up/drop off schedule and he meets her at school for the hand-off. She asks him if she can have Bentley for a couple of hours on Halloween, just so she can take bently to her mom’s house to trick or treat. Ryan says no, and Maci’s hackles go up fast. She is SUCH a rookie at life. Ryan has obviously figured out that arguing with her is pointless, and that he just needs to go on with his plans. She won’t leave him alone about it, even though a few days earlier, she refused to hand off the baby for a couple of hours to Ryan. Ryan tells her she can go trick or treating with him and his family, but she’s not having it. Ugh! She is SUCH A ROOKIE AT LIFE. She really, truly thinks she’s right all the time, and that somehow this is different than when Ryan wanted to see Bentley for his birthday. Everyone else needs to revolve around her. She is gonna regret this sooooo much when she’s 35 and has a lifetime of assholery and burned out bridges behind her. It ends when Ryan gets in his truck, and Maci snots that next time when his work schedule changes, she won’t be willing to accommodate a new hand-off time.
Later on, Maci catches her mom up by bitching about Ryan’s lack of enthusiasm regarding doing what Maci wants at all times, regardless of its convenience or fairness to himself. She tells her mom that she just might keep Bentley on his birthday, just because she can. Her mom wisely doesn’t say much more than, “well, you have to figure it out.” I like to think the subtext is, “Maci, you have to figure out you don’t call all the shots all the time because Bentley has a loving (hot) dad who wants to spend time with him.” This girls needs a wake-up call bad, but since getting knocked up at 16 didn’t do it, I’m not sure what will. She’s so far into her ego-trippin’ that an epic fail might kill her dead.
Ryan also catches up his family, at a backyard fire pit. I finally cry a little, because I grew up doing family stuff like this, and a fire pit in your Arizona back-yard is lame. You can’t smell the woods, the bugs are all wrong, and sitting in a camp chair in your gravel landscaping is just seriously not the same as grass and mud. Ryan’s mom is getting a little emotional, and if I had to guess, I’d say that the Franzia’s contributing to her bummer here. They all agree that Ryan is going to have to just stick to the exact rules of the custody arrangement because Maci is so difficult and entitled about all things Bentley. The problem is that their mediated visitation agreement isn’t a judge’s order, so it’s not really enforceable, and his family urges him that it’s time to go to court. They want him to protect his parental rights which in turn, protect their grandparental rights. Fair enough; they seem like a tight-knit, fun family and to not have Bentley in their lives really would be devastating.
Tennessee accents and a fire pit... I'd party there, for sure!
It’s the day of Bentley’s party, and the two families are pretty much sticking to themselves. Kyle and Maci play with Bentley, then Ryan plays with Bentley and it really reminds me of that one episode of The Simpsons, when Milhouse’s parents split up and reading here that Maci thinks of Ryan as being Weekend Dad, like Kirk Van Houten who was also unemployed and marginalized by his ex. They take some family photos, and then as things wind down, Maci starts harping on Ryan AGAIN to let her take Bentley for a couple of hours to go trick or treating at her parents’. Ryan is beyond over it, here. She tried to get technical with him, and reminds him that they talked about special days at mediation and when Ryan reminds her that she wouldn’t change her plans on Bentley’s birthday, to allow his family some time on Bentley’s actual birthday. She keeps harping and reminds him that she invited him to go with them on Bentley’s birthday, which prompts him to tell her that she’s welcome to come trick or treating with his family. She finally stikes, “Well technically I can just take him.” He tells her she’s a piece of shit. He also tells her to just take him, that they’ll go to court, and I start to get some respect for Ryan.
"Technically I can just take him." "Technically, you're a bitch. See ya in court!"
Maci doesn’t seem to believe that Ryan’s rally going to take her to court but he breaks it down with his dad, and his dad agrees that it’s time to do what needs to be done here. Maci is impossible and there’s clearly going to have to be a legally-enforceable agreement if this is going to work. She has the lack of insight to voiceover that all she wanted was a couple of hours with Bentley that day, and can’t understand why Ryan was being so difficult. Karma is gonna get her so good. She has no idea what a fool she is, and how much of an a-hole she’s being. There is no difference between what she offered to Ryan on Bentley’s birthday, and what Ryan offered to her here for Halloween yet to her, because in her mind she’s the more important parent, she thinks Ryan is being ridiculous. Who suffers? Bentley. A little toddler who loves playing with his dad, loves being with his dad’s family, and has the luxury of having a ton of extended family in the same geographical area. It would be so ideal if Maci would play ball and recognize how lucky she is.
So that’s it, Gasmii! One down, and given how much teenagers bang, and that they’ve been doing it since the dawn of time, we’ve hopefully got a many more here together.
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41 Comments
As a fellow WWE and Teen Mom fan, mad props to you, Sunny, for the Heath Slater reference! I totally see the resemblance now that you point that out.
However, I have to take a bit of an issue with your positions on Farrah and Maci. You say you love Farrah because she’s doing a decent job taking care of her daughter, getting an education, and supporting herself. Maci’s doing the same (except she’s a bit more self-sufficient as she spent the past year living two hours away from her parents, not in mommy-subsidized housing). You say you hate Maci because she thinks she knows everything and is a bitch, yet you yourself acknowledge out that Farrah spends most of every episode rejecting everyone else’s opinions and offers of support, throwing tantrums, and generally being a huge bitch. C’mon, Farrah gets served with a petition for visitation rights and mom offers to hire (and probably pay for) a lawyer to help her respond to it and Farrah tells her mom that A) the right way to deal with service of a legal document is to ignore it if it came from “a small person” and B) that her mom needs to “grow up”?!?! I agree that Maci doesn’t seem to feel that it’s important that Bentley have a relationship with Ryan. She’s totally wrong about that, but her feelings are somewhat understandable given their relationship history and her age. Maci’s not perfect, but she’s pretty together and at least she isn’t making a career of throwing tantrums when things don’t go her way and biting the hand that feeds her a la Farrah.
And that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
um….Farrah is a spoiled brat. Straight up. Plus, so you really see this twit opening her own restaurant? Despite culinary school, she doesn’t even know anything about food. Farrah would be prostituting herself or making porn by this point if it wasn’t for the endless financial help from mommy and daddy.
Also, these reviews need more funny! This show can’t be taken seriously in any respect, so the reviews should reflect that. I think most of us read these for the snark and the sass and the joy of knowing someone else out there is yelling irrational things at these teenage morons, too.
I love your dry wit! I would even be okay with a little more snark and cheap shots, but that’s just me.
I have to say, I’ve never really thought of Maci in the way you view her. I always thought she had her shit together and was mature for her age. But after reading your recap I can see where you’re coming from. She could probably be a little more amicable, but I think Ryan has put her through a lot shit. He can be a dick, as hot as he may be. Last season it seemed like it was his parents who were pushing for more time with Bentley, and he was indifferent.
I also think Maci is a good mom. Well I did, until I recently read an article stating that she wants to name her next son “Royce” as in Rolls-Royce. Bentley and Royce. Kill me.
I still think Farrah is an ungrateful brat. And Amber sucks.
Just read CarolineJane’s post and I totally agree with her points on Farrah/Maci.
a lot of shit* ughh I hate typos!
That Amber is a train wreck we can all agree. That Caitlynn is on a good track we can all agree.
We seem to differ on Farrah and Maci.
Both have attributes that are noteworthy but the downside is their bad traits overshadow the good.
No matter how hard Farrah works to make a way for her and her daughter I remember the times she left that girl to tip over and fall last year. And how far did she push her mother to have her pop her in the mouth? She says the worst crap to her mother and has no shame. She will fail the culinary course this time. I have read that somewhere, and are we surprised? She thinks she has her life in order and has nothing left to learn but honestly she is a self absorbed young woman who is running from responsibility. She should handle Derek’s mother and let her know she will never see the child because of the Social Security information she reported. I think the woman was stupid to take the case to court because the statue was clear and she did not meet the standard set force. Farrah has much to learn about being gratful for what is given you and her parents.
Maci has faults for me that shadow what she is doing in furthering her education and even her mothering. I have been around too many bitter, pissy moms who use their children as collateral in the broken family situation. They have emotions and fling them around like they matter more than anyone elses. She abuses her ex.. and seriously, he was a rebound fling remember..?? I think he should take her to court.. YESTERDAY….. He relly should have 50/50 custody. Honestly why not? He crapped on him because she could for the little guys birthday and didn’t understand him putting his foot down about Halloween>???? And the birthday she THREW??? honestly stackng people who don’t care for each other next to each other in Peter Piper Pizza…. ug. A BBQ would have been much more appropriate. Really Maci.. could you have been a bigger bitch????
She deserves what is coming. AND if he had 50/50 custody.. who exactly whould he pay child support??
Thanks for the recap, you did a good job.. and sarcasatic humor is always loved here in these parts.
i ABSOLUTELY agree about maci. she’s a good mother to bentley but she’s a really immature person in her interactions with other people. she moves all over without regard to anyone else, she’s just going on her own whims. and when people don’t give in to what she wants she just does it anyways. grow up maci, life is about more than just you.
I agree with everything CarolineJane said but have to add this little bit….you call Maci on being a rookie at life more than once; have you not seen Ryan’s history? I really hope you’re not just forgiving all of that because he’s “sexy,” just like those idiots over at The Challenge recaps do with CT. I can’t handle it two times over…..
From a fellow recapper-WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!!!! Great recap, girl! Hilarious. Keep up the good work. I love you already (I think you might be a bit evil like me).
Btw ya’ll- What the fuck is up with people hiring a realtor to find an apt?
“Amber Portwood don’t give a shit way more than any honey badger, y’all.” = Favorite line of the recap!
Okay, I have to say I’m so glad someone agrees with me on the whole Ryan/Maci situation! I thought I was the only one. Normally, I think Maci does such a nice job of recognizing that Ryan will be important to Bentley’s life, so she works with him even though it is obviously difficult for her. Now it just seems to me she thinks because she has Kyle Bentley doesn’t need Ryan anymore. She’s made several comments to the effect that Kyle is more of a dad to Bentley than Ryan, but she’s the one who moved two hours away from Ryan to be with Kyle and took Bentley to live with Kyle. And Ryan actually seems to want to be a dad and spend time with Bentley now. First season she was so upset that Ryan didn’t want to spend time with Bentley, but now that he does and it interrupts her “new” family, it’s not okay for him to want to see Bentley. WTF.
As for the recap – less description, more humor/sarcasm. Personally, I’m looking for some one to commiserate w/ me.
Caitlyn & Tyler – these two give me hope for teenagers (whom I generally hate). I swear, it makes me cry every time I watch them and I am a cold, cold person. The circumstances that they have overcome – seriously, your meth/crack addict, alcoholic mother marries your boyfriend’s equally meth/crack addict, alcoholic, sometimes jailed father? Who gets over something like that? Caitlyn and Tyler – that’s who. And is he not just the sweetest kid ever? I just want to hug him and buy him video games.
Farrah – entitled bitch. I do not share your sentiments about her. If by doing her own thing you mean alienating everyone around her because she’s a total psycho bitch, then you are correct, she is making it on her own. I honestly sympathize with her mother – I would have beat the shit out of Farrah, not just slapped her across the face.
Amber – I’ve been reading on a lot of blogs that people are applauding Amber for leaving Gary, like she needed to get rid of him because he was bringing her down. I cannot fathom this. Gary is so stupid that he almost deserves Amber and her abuse, but he is seriously good to her and a (comparatively) good dad to Leah. He is the one that stood there and let her hit him, he is the one who takes all of her emotional abuse, he is the one that apologizes to her every time she does something wrong. It is ridiculous that anyone could think that Amber is the shining star in this relationship. Poor Leah is going to grow up with some serious issues – her mom constantly puts her father down. I’m not sure what Amber is in “rehab” for – do they even have rehab for bitches?
Maci – I will concede some of your points about Maci, although I have never thought of her in that way before. She is a know-it-all. And she is getting WAY more parental support that we know about – and by that, I mean money. When does she work? In some of the past seasons, we saw her working, but that stopped about the time she moved to Nashville to be with her boyfriend. Which, let’s admit, was a horrible parenting decision. You do not uproot your child from his home and family (I’m referring to his father, not his grandparents, although they are important, too) to be with your boyfriend of a few months. If the boyfriend is serious about you, he should move to be with you. And she needed to leave well enough alone w/ the Halloween thing – it was not a big deal and she needs to learn to pick her battles. It will come back to bite her in the ass. Also, let’s talk about her $1000+/month rent…who pays that kind of rent in Chattanooga? Seriously, I lived and rented in Chattanooga for years (in fact, when Maci and Ryan had Bentley, I lived just down the street from him) and I would have never paid that much for rent. And it’s not like she had to pay that much to be in a safe neighborhood. This comes back to the money issue with her – mommy and daddy are paying her bills, so she doesn’t care how much it costs. Overall, I used to think that Maci was the best parent on the show, but ever since Kyle came into the picture, I have started to doubt that (although she obviously doesn’t have any competition). Maci is the kind of person that says the right thing, but doesn’t always do the right thing. But she’s a teenager, so I’ll give her a bit of a break. Oh, and Kyle is weird and creepy. Sorry. I’m sure he’s a nice person and all, but I agree with Ryan – he seems slow. I have a feeling that poor Bentley will have a lot of men coming in and out of his life over the next 16 years. Also, Maci has no business giving Kyle that much influence in Bentley’s life at this stage – it may be true that Kyle has been more of a father to him, but that’s only because Maci made it that way. don’t get me wrong, Ryan is an asshole. Just watch their 16 & Pregnant episode.
*lived just down the street from them, not him. Stupid typos.
Seriously, though, I lived maybe 1/4 of a mile down the same street and never knew they were filming until I watched the show.
SunnySideup, Thanks so much for a great recap. You notice the small things like the 60 some dollar bill that Catelynn stressed about, like I do. You also make fun of people with a deft hand. Great job.
I Love your screen name.
Take care, Robin
Oh, I almost forgot..
“And that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
CarolineJane said that^^.. I rekon from now on we should refer to her..since..you know..she knows what is the truth and nothing but the truth. People that know everything are hard to come by.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying the things you did about Maci. I feel the exact same way but I was starting to think I was alone there. Everybody I know that watches this show seems to think (just like Maci does) that the sun shines out of her ass. I think she’s a selfish bitch. Way too egotistical and she doesn’t care about the role Ryan needs and wants to play in Bentley’s life at all. It’s like she’s trying to edge him out so she and Kyle can have their weird little family – btw I really think that kid is truly slow.
If I can offer some advice, try not to take this show too seriously. I come on here for the snark, wit, and poking fun of people who put their lives on tv and there wasn’t too much of that.
I agree with your character assessments though. Farrah may be a rude bitch but she is the only one who works, graduated school, and is actually planning and building a future for her and Sophia. She has life goals. And is actually setting out to accomplish them. Imagine that. Out of all the girls I think Farrah will be the one who will fare the best after the Teen Mom camera’s and more importantly money are gone.
Maci is an “I’m always right southern snob.” Maci doesn’t work and seems to be content to live off her teen mom money. She failed her classes, again. Ryan has Bentley half the time so what’s her excuse? Out of all the girls she receives the most support with Bentley physically, emotionally, and financially from her and Ryan’s family and friends. She seems to be building a future for her and Bentley around Kyle instead of a career. And we all know how wise it is to build your life around a boy.
Amber is not even worth mentioning.
Farrah is a rude bitch who thinks she’s always right. Maci is a southern snob who thinks she’s always right. The difference is Farrah has goals and direction. Maci is just wandering.
@Haley,
I disagree re; Bently being “slow”. He rides his 4 wheeler, manages to play on every possible swing ladder and bouncy house with the same spirit all little boys do.
This kid is also pretty good when it comes to visitation exchanges.. He is a very loving child and he takes the exchanges well. He is comfortable in any circumstance that Ryan and Maci have put him in. This dosen’t indicate a slow child.
Regardless of how folks feel about Ryan and Maci, they have certainly done something right in their effort to make the transition between visitations good for Bently. The fact that he doesn’t cry or notice any change in his life is an indication that they have at least done something right.
TC, Robin
I thought Haley was talking about Kyle being slow, not Bentley. Kyle looks like an inbred hillbilly or is certaintly missing a chromosome. Or two.
Less about you and more about the show please.
Kyle is S-L-O-W.
If reading/following a recipe is all it take to graduate from culinary school – count me in. It seems anything more than that had Farrah stymied. Felt like Debbie Dearest made a huge passive agreesive move in insisting that a “graduation” dinner be held with toasting and all. Farrah is AWFUL to her mom no doubt but Debs is just as bad. Chicken and the Egg for sure!
Not thrilled with the Carly blanket C&T have draped on their bedroom wall. First to have a five foot baby head staring at you gives me the creeps and it is a HUGE and CONSTANT reminder that will not allow them to move forward. Tats & photographs are one thing but please remove the GIANT HEAD.
Leah is obviously scared of her mom, and that is so sad. Yeah, she’s a baby, but kids observe everything – she sees the physical abuse, hears the screaming, feels the tension of her parents every time they’re together…I just hate Amber. I wouldn’t harass her on the street, mind you, just wank about her online. For Leah’s sake, they should have given her up for adoption.
Farrah is still insufferable. Why? Probably 50-50 her fault/Mom’s fault, but I don’t really care why. She sucks. Good for her for actually trying to do better with her life and career, but personality-wise she’s got a long uphill journey.
Sunni, I enjoyed your recap very much and look forward to more of them. Snark away, sister – with this show, if you can’t laugh, you will want to shoot yourself.
@Robinez:
My “the whole truth” line is actually a joke for Sunni’s benefit–it’s a catchphrase used by a WWE wrestler known as R-Truth. I certainly don’t think I know everything, I was just putting my perspective out there and hoping to start a discussion.
I don’t love kyle and I agree he’s probably not playing with a full deck. But just out of curiosity, how is a fully-competent person who chooses to be a lazy piece of shit (Ryan) any better?
Too long! Sorry but be more brief and take the show less seriously! When I started reading the recap I instantly felt like there was a bit much of your own personal stories and references- that sounds rude I know! I mean you did a way better Job recapping than I could do but just felt like I wanted more teen mom sarcasm and less personal refs. But good start! Oh ya, sort again but Farrah is spoiled and maci’s pretty cool. The boob job thing sealed my opinion of Farrah in stone.
CarolineJane-
Don’t sweat it! People get testy on the teen mom boards 
I appreciated your insight and I got the joke
Good recap, and I love that you’re a fan of the show! I have to disagree with you about Maci and Ryan. Ryan is selfish and immmature (though, hot, I do agree with you about that) and his family, his mom is especially, are enablers. They baby him and tell him that everything he thinks and does is right and Maci is the big bad wolf, instead of staying out of it like Maci’s parents do. Ryan has treated Maci horribly since Bentley was born, and it’s understandable that Maci is a bit cold towards him at times, in my opinion.
Maybe because I’m younger, I don’t judge these girls as harshly as your recap. You’re 37 so you of course are speaking from where you are now. Maci and Farrah are still both teens and doing waaaayyyyy better than a lot of young mothers I have seen or know. As much as I like Ryan, Maci is human and is prob resentful from when they were together. I’m sure she will learn but I respect her independent spirit.
@CarolineJane
Sorry if you took offense. It wasn’t my intent. blah blah blah..
Robin
haven’t read comments or finished the recap, I just had to say…
It’s the Wendy’s guy! Fellow WWE lover here
I just want you to know that I freaking love you! You don’t play the Maci is the perfect mom card like a lot of other people do.
Love the recap, can’t wait for the next one
I don’t think Farrah is that awesome. I can cook better than her and I never took lessons, she seems completely lost in the kitchen. And if she gets praised for finishing school, I want some too! And I did it without a child, I’ve known how condoms work since I was 14. Just saying…
I love Catelynn and Tyler cuz I’m a sucker for the love story. But I do wonder “do they always talk about Carly that much or is it added in/done for tv?”
Amber is a train wreck. I didn’t see anything that wrong with the first house. Where is she getting that much money a month to pay rent?
And to cover Maci again. I think she is a good person who is smart, but I think she is selfish. I don’t think moving last season was a good idea, especially because it was for Kyle. Driving 2 hours for school is stupid when you don’t have to. I’m glad she moved back, but I feel bad for Kyle quitting his job for her. It seems like everything has to be done on Maci time. But I did see somewhere posted that she regrets how she acted and realizes what she did. So I have hope she will grow up, she is only 19.
@Cw, I read somewhere that Maci got a boob job too. Would that change your opinion of her as well? (P.S. I’m not judging, I’m a newish mom and have contemplated the same…after breastfeeding they’re not as perky as they used to be! Lol)
Carolinejane, it’s true, some people get testy around these parts. Frankly, I can’t fault anyone who takes offense to being called a know it all. I’ve never heard the term used in any other manner than as a put down. But maybe, in some circles it’s a compliment. Like, omnipotent.
I think that Maci is a good mother, but like the other commentor said she is making mistakes outside of parenting. She’s flunking classes and she too concerned with her relationship with Kyle. Two hours should have been out of the question for school. I am sure there are schools closer to Nashville, but with those grades she probably couldn’t get in.
Farrah is a brat. There’s really nothing more I can say about it, but she seems to be doing better with her parenting.
Amber is a mess. She just doesn’t realize why she’s in trouble. She caused it. She hit Gary. This didn’t come out of thin air.
I really hope Amber and Tyler can make it. They seem to have had such a rough upbringing and April is still on whatever drugs she’s taking and it’s not helping. But it seems like they are on the right track and have some sort of focus.
Sarcasatire- oh really I guess that’s why maci is a total toothpick but looks to have some nice jugs! I guess Farrah saying it was for modeling and then she went to a hair show…. Ehm … Yeah. That was kinda sad like she wanted to show she could get jobs but She herself decided it wasn’t for her. It was like a hair show at the holiday inn. Omg I am so mean! Seriously tho I am breadtfeeding now and I want a boob lift when I am done but I am not saying it’s for modeling! Ok so I am a hypocrite.
Oh for God’s sakes! I didn’t get CarolineJanes Joke about “thats the truth”..and she didn’t get my joke,,Nobody was cutting anyone down.
Some folks try to make things bigger than they are, many times the effort is put forth by someone that wasn’t involved in the first place..
Omnipotent…geesh..
Robin
@Robin… LOL, and that’s the whole truth!
Ha, I guess you didn’t get my joke either. No surprise there.
@Cw…lol, it is different to get a boob job for modeling. I mean who does Farrah think she is? Coco? Katie Price?
Getting a boob job after breastfeeding is a different matter altogether; it’s like getting a tuneup once your car’s hit 100,000 miles. Sometimes necessary!
@atlgirl…you took the words right out of my….well, fingers. Ryan is a direct product of his parents’ coddling. And while I DON’T Z(disclaimer) agree with Maci a. living with a jobless Kyle period and b. not telling the father of her child about it, I totally think she has every right to be standoffish with him, for the time being at least, about his “role”. He sure didn’t care about his role while she was pregnant and during the first year. But he’s CUTE, don’t ya know, and he’s CHANGED! That conquers all, and MACI sucks now, duh!
I agree that Maci doesn’t have any obligation to be nice to Ryan when he can be such a big brat with her. I don’t agree that just because he sucked at being a parent for the first year of his baby’s life that he effectively gave up all rights to be a parent to the kid now, or for the rest of Bentley’s life. And I think Maci should be at least a teensy bit grateful/happy/something that he now wants to spend time with Bentley when she was so upset he didn’t before. I don’t think it’s fair to Bentley to deny him time with Ryan and disrupt their relationship because Ryan can’t play nice with Maci. In other words, Ryan and Maci don’t have to have a nice relationship, but that doesn’t mean she has to use Bentley to get back at Ryan. That’s just wrong. And just to clarify – this comment is not intended at anyone, especially since I could have misread what other commentors were saying, I’m just throwing out my two cents.
Hey first comment. I live in Chattanooga where Maci lives. They did Bentley’s birthday party at Pump It Up. I had my son’s 4 birthday party there this spring. It is the only place in town where when you book a party there you get the entire room with inflatables to yourself so that is probably why they did it there. That way no other random people ended up in the shots. Actually from the way they showed it they let them eat first in the party room and they normally don’t allow that because kids will eat cake and them bounce and end up puking everywhere. So not sure if that is editing or they let them break the rules. Knowing MTV they booked the whole place out completely. They normally move a party into room 1, then switch to room 2 and then party room while other parties move behind and ahead of you.
Anyway, it was cool seeing my kids favorite birthday party spot on tv. The parties there are fairly pricey at about three hundred dollars.
I used to like Maci and thought she was the best mom on the show. But she be tripping lately. She got mad because she asked Ryan for the same thing he asked her for a couple days prior and she refused him so he had every right to refuse her. Then she took Bentley when she was not supposed to. He needs to take her to court. She thinks she is a pretty princess that can do whatever she wants and that is just not true. Sure Ryan was not a good dad at first, but now he is trying to be and she needs to let him. She is going to be pissed when the judge puts her in her place about custody. Coparenting is hard and it sucks, but hey you chose to have a baby with a guy you were not married to and this is the result. Deal with it,
Incolts: We lived near each other then. I used to live near them too either when they first starting filming the show or I moved right before they started filming. I was living in a similar place and only paying 495 a month. Chattanooga is a fairly cheap place to live in comparison to other places.