True Beauty: Beauty Secrets of the Reality Stars

Last week on True Beauty, Amy was sent home for lack of confidence. Luckily for Craig he demonstrates his confidence every day in all it’s naked, truth or daring glory — and he’s safe.

99 problems, but  clothes ain’t one.

At the suite, Erika and TaylorBear are preparing a meal for the final three, which they anticipate to include Trammy. As they are tending to the meal they spent minutes slaving over a menu for, the two finalists discuss how they hope Amy will come home. They also predict that she will be victorious over the Naked Cowboy. They go about ordering room service, setting the table and preparing Trammy’s drink of choice in her winner’s cup. They make Trammy a screwdriver and set it on the table, the pimp cup completing the table setting, just as Martha Stewart intended.

He’s just miming how to open a champagne bottle, I swear Momma TBear.

But as Taylor and Erika are trying to open a bottle of champagne for the celebration, it’s the Cowboy that strolls through the door. “Let’s get this party started!” he roars before picking up Trammy’s winner’s cup and sucking down the vodka like the blood of a virgin…

It will keep you young and stylish, Cowboy.

As Taylor and Erika stand dumbfounded at Craig’s appearance in the suite, Cowboy continues to go down on Seuss, sucking more vodka into his system than me on payday.

Craig stands with pink pimp glass in hand enjoying the commotion his appearance has caused. Erika bats her Sally Hansen lashes and tries to congratulate Craig. She manages a, “how are you doing?” Like a greeter at Wal-mart before scooping up a glass of champagne and trying to disguise the fact that her gaze is now fixed on the door.

Did you notice a dude follow you in?

Craig is more than aware that he’s crashing their party and teases Erika, “Why are you still looking at the door?” Just waiting to see if the Trammy caught a free ride on your spurs, that’s all Cowboy.

TaylorBear tries to distract from the stare down being conducted over the Who-Ville collectable glassware and asks what they should name their little trio.

Craig, in either an excellent ploy to increase the tension at the table, or a ridiculously lame use of French slang suggests they call themselves the ménage a trios.

It’s a clusterfuck all right…

The night ends with Craig disrobing and climbing into bed as Erika, circling the living room, decries the injustice of Kutcher-Satan productions. “I think it’s bullshit that Amy’s not here. Because I feel like she was a better person than Craig,” she tells Taylor.

(Noun, expletive)

It’s a new day in the desert and Taylor discovers he is missing a pair of jeans. Apparently they are quite expensive, luxurious jeans and Taylor says he “doesn’t have the money to go and buy $200 jeans anytime I want.” Or ever, thank you H&M you saved my life.

He enlisted the help of  the“contestant wrangler”…

(Read: Nanny)

…on the True Beauty set to help him find his pants.

Wrangler: Are you sure you put them in the laundry?
Taylor: Yes
Wrangler: The only thing I can do is check…
Taylor: I’m freaking out.
(slam, stomp, curse curse curse)
Taylor: (whisper) yep…found them.

So after a slight meltdown Taylor finds his jeans safely stashed in a drawer. But since he didn’t threaten to bury anyone in the rose garden, we can chalk it up to frustration and a lack of vitamin B in his diet and not full on Mel-mania.

The judges are watching Taylor pitch a shit fit from the spy room. This is the second time in the competition Taylor has pitched a vulgarity-laced hissy-fit. Which I do hourly at my desk. Really. You shouldn’t rise above lower-management if e-mail and closing your fly is above your sophistication level. Just saying. Loudly. And at the second office on the right…

Not quite.

It’s time for the judges to assemble to discuss their villainous plan for the final challenge. Vanilla appears for her last performance to present the 8th and final challenge. The beauties will be tested over a period of 24 hours. After all Vegas is open all night, right?

Their eyes will be too! An focused on my Proactiv ad running on channel 35.

Vanilla tells them that tonight the contestants will play host/tour guide/legal guardian to a VIP. They will wine, dine, and party with the celebrity until the morning hours when they’ll be surprised to find out they’re expected to film a commercial for Las Vegas.

The judges want to see if they can be courteous to the VIP and how well they’ll rebound. How will they handle the pressure? Not as good as the toddlers in tiaras, I’m guessing.

Carson meets the contestants at an airport hangar. The contestants have no idea what’s going on, but they see spot Carson. “…so it must be a challenge,” Craig deduces.

Or one of those semi-private raves he keeps inviting the Naked Cowboy to…

He tells them, “Tonight’s the night you get to get out and rage a little bit… you’ll be accompanying a celebrity.” Of course the term “celebrity” is misleading. The door opens to reveal Steve O and his spiritual advisor Guy Friendly.

oh…no?

Guy Friendly (not Smiley)… an even more obscure reference.

Craig was expecting Cher or Mariah Carey or something like that  — it’s supposed to be an un-ironic twist they announce Steve O as a celebrity. Well, maybe he’s not a celebrity, but he can keep them awake all night. Possibly in police custody, but awake…

Steve O hugs everyone hello…

Is that dart gun in your pocket? Or something else you use to poke Chris Pontius?

…and the collagen holds its form so Carson, smiling, sends them off.

Because no expense is spared, they head off strip to the Greek version of Macaroni Grill. First order of business at the high class dinner? Steve O wants to squeeze a lemon into his eyeball. He challenges Craig, but the Naked Cowboy shuts him down.

I don’t think this would impress Penn and Teller either.

Since no one wanted to follow him into blindness, Steve O challenges them to pull the tablecloth from  a table. Taylor fails, so does Craig. Erika just smashes the one dish and calls it a day.

The leave the restaurant satisfied that they have done enough Wildboyz damage for the evening and head to the clubs.

The next segment is the full “wacky night” montage complete with a shirtless Craig, stock car races and someone giving the thumbs up while sitting next to Mike Tyson’s tiger. Just kidding the Tiger refused the offer to be on this show, it would cheapen his brand.

So, more Craig shirtless…

As Steve O leaves he says sometime you have to break some eggs, to make an omelet. Did Steve O not know what this show is either? Is he seriously encouraging them to be more cut throat? Or was he thinking he wants an omelet, so those were his parting words. I’ll guess the latter.

Erika says Steve O was a great choice, if by “choice” she means  “last minute fill-in for Donny Osmond or the Phillie Phanatic”.

Let’s get some f%&#in’ FRENCH TOAST!

But they were out all night, they’re tired and disoriented — and not taken back to Planet Hollywood.

They arrive at the Venetian where they’re met by a refreshed and aggravatingly peppy Carson, who tells them today they will get back in front of the camera.

They’re off to learn their lines as their heads bob with the weight of one night with Jackass.

Taylor admits that the script is simple, but it’s been a long night…

… which wreaks havoc on your complexion.

Erika is the first to crack. She walks out and cries to a producer.

You like? How much?

She whines for a couple minutes, but not longer than a commercial break. She’s back with the promise of coffee served in a pink pimp cup.

Each contestant will have to make their way through  “downtown Venice”. They have a couple characters to interact with along the way. It’s important for them to hit their marks, and finish filming in one take.

TaylorBear is up first, and he’s never filmed a commercial before. He’s amazed at the synergy that goes into it. He does his spin on cue, “Vegas is like no other city in the world,” he croons while staring at the fake sky in fake Venice.

It’s nothing like the Italy in Epcot, then?

Erika says that she wanted to shut down, but seeing Taylor record his commercial got her right back into the competition. The judges think they Taylor has a nice presence. Kudos, TaylorBear.

Erika is up next, she tiptoes and coos through the commercial shoot. It’s a little uncomfortably erotic considering there is a juggler and a mime present… but Beth says that Erika was just tired, but still perky.

I wanna be loved by… ew, not you.

Craig is next and he doesn’t remember his lines. He tell himself, “Just do it. Treat it like it’s our job.” Isn’t that what they’re supposed to be competing for, a job? And not just a sense of entitlement?

Any openings for a Italian Naked Cowboy here?

The judges like that Craig keeps a smile on this face.

The contestants are finally released to take a nap. They all get into bed wearing the outfits they will wear to the commercial judging, I guess to get in a the last precious minutes of sleep before they head downstairs to meet the judges and hear their decision.

It’s a _______ linen dress, it’s supposed to be wrinkled.

Back in spy-central, Vanilla gets to the prestige. It’s time to reveal the twist, she tells her cohorts. Carson and Beth are released to the casino floor to meet the contestants for the judging of the commercials. As the contestants roll in the casino bar Beth greets them. The judges had the chance to look at the commercials, “and we definitely had some thoughts,” says Beth. Great Beth, next try to identify when you definitely feel hungry, then eat. Or disguised by your husband, then run.

Taylor’s commercial is up first, and aside for a slight mumble and an improvisation where he nestles his head in the hands of a mime — he does a good job.

I bet he thinks it’s a woman. And she’s just fat.

Carson admits that he was disturbed by the mime-cuddle, and Beth wants him to keep his energy up no matter the circumstances.

Craig’s commercial is next, he seems relatively relaxed on camera. Carson criticizes him for going off script and Beth says he looked tired, but he looked like Brad Pitt while tired. These comments are becoming more and more Abdul-like criticisms, but it doesn’t really matter since the judges love looking at the Cowboy, it doesn’t make what type of asshat he turns out to be.

Little Pitchy dawg.

Last is Erika and she’s performs like Jessica Rabbit’s daughter in a beauty pageant. She pulls off a graceful spin on the floor, but I was distracted by her weave flapping on her head like the ears of Elmer Fudd’s hunting hat. The judges think she was a little sleepy, but made a great connection to the viewer.

The winner is Taylor… and Erika… and Craig.

They all did a good job and they’ll all move on. They’re told that it will all come down to the final plea.

Carson has some additional info for the contestants. They have something else they should see. A special room.

Erika takes the key and shrieking leads the way in the bowels of the casino. They descend deeper into the casino, they’re led down a grey hallway, so obviously their not on the way to the spa or the high rollers lounge. They make a right at the dumpsters, walk past the mob integration rooms as Erika tells herself, it has to be something good.

They come to an unmarked door and push through. On the other side of the black drapes is the judges spy room. The beauties are seated  and the monitors light up to reveal Vanilla with her twist.

The winner of this competition will be beautiful inside and out. It’s True Beauty. Surprisingly, the contestants know what that means.

Vanilla has dropped the bomb and it’s time for the beauties to relive their moments of ugliness. Craig blows off the woman with the dog, ignores the lost engagement ring situation and steals the vest.

Craig says he saw “myself like I’ve never seen myself before.”

Clothed and ugly.

Erika is up next and she cheats by opening her questions in the elevator, she mocks Liz and says she hates Craig. Erika has to turn to the Naked Cowboy in the middle of the footage to give him an apologetic look for bashing him and his crazy-eyed sweetheart.

Taylor’s footage rolls and it shows his meltdowns, at the focus group and when his jeans were missing. It also shows his gigglefest while the bride was suffering the most humiliating moment on the most important day of her life.

Taylor says, “there’s no excuses, the camera caught what the camera caught.”

Plus 20 hours of you in the nude…

Vanilla appears on screen again, this time to reiterate that they’ll have to face the judges tomorrow so they better come with their tails between their legs and a good plea.

The beautestants emerge from the PH casino to see their headshots on the side of the building.

In a Robert Rodriguez’s Sin City kinda way.

Craig says that they judges already know that he has the face and the drive. What they don’t know is that he has the heart. As the picture flashes to Erika, she says she’s nervous, she says she “let the stress and the competition get to me.”

Taylor’s pic flashes last and he tells us, “I encompass the FoV, and I honestly think I have the inner beauty as well.”

He then proves what an intelligent, open-minded, compassionate guy he is by killing the moment to point out that a contestant from last season is on a mobile billboard for Chippendales.

Cultured and Refined.

Back at the spy room the judges have taken their places to debate the strengths of each contestant. Beth loved Erika, she’s adorable but catty. Is it a front, is she fake?

Taylor is amazing and genuine, but with a temper. Craig never gets involved in the drama, or does something harmful. He comforted Liz… but he has a crappy challenge record.

When we come back from commercial all the beauties are dolled up and ready to face the judges for the last time.

They get to the studio, and for the first time this season all three judges are there to greet them. Stressing how important the final pleas will be, each contestant is asked one question.

Carson addresses Erika, she is always a top performer in challenge but she’s catty. “Are you genuine?” Beth asks.  Erika whispers, “yes, genuine and loyal” and she is trying to learn from her mistakes. This experience has changed her for life.

Beth address Craig,  she tell him he has ignored people during challenges. Craig admits that he wanted to compete and neglected the lessons he’d been taught. It was wrong. He even returns the vest.

I have a sequined one at home, anyway…

Vanilla addresses Taylor and asks him to account for the hissy fits. He says that agrees he should exhibit self control, all he really wants to be is a role model.

If it isn’t Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I’m-full-of-shit?

Time to deliberate. When they come back they give Crag the axe. They couldn’t really keep him, his track record sucked, we had to pretend the challenges were valid. Loser.

It’s time to announce the winner… Vegas style.

TAYLORBEAR for the win!!!

So what did you think of this season? Did a TaylorBills win make it all worth while? Do you think he was the best of the bunch?