After surviving the perils of shopping and magic camp — without showing themselves to completely incompetent or evil — the 8 remaining contestants on True Beauty will complete an on-camera challenge in episode three.
Last week Michael failed to entertain Penn & Teller, and was more of jerk than Jersey Gina, so he was sent back to his life as a actor/model/cater waiter/basement dweller. J’ Gina is returning to the Planet Hollywood suite with a unjustified sense of accomplishment…
That won’t last long.
The remaining contestants are discussing who will come back through the doors and Trammy leads the meeting of minds saying that Regina is motivated to become a star, but Menudo just wants to win this competition. Nods all around. Wouldn’t that assume that this competition is a stepping stone to stardom? Because it is not. Even if the contestants become as famous as the hosts of the show, they’ll still be stalled out somewhere between TV Guide Channel and Bombshell’s stripper tour irrelevancy.
Just as the conversation in the suites dies down, Jersey rushes back into the room screaming, “I told you! I told you!” to highlight her return.
(I can’t believe I missed it before, but Jersey Gina is totally a less entertaining version of Anna Faris in Just Friends…)
Am I being Punk’d? ASHTON!
As Regina continues her one person round-robin of obnoxiousness, our resident booty-tastic Mouseketeer Michelle wonders if the uneven gender balance in the house means a girl will be eliminated next. And since there are more brunettes — and more brunettes with weaves in the house, you’re definitely finished. Boo Hoo for Booty.
Naked Cowboy fears that Regina will be competition in the future, now that she’s back in the house.
Are you serious? Or are you just picking phrases out of the Moron to Reality Show Contestant dictionary?
Time for the post-elimination victory celebration.
Double the Vodka, Double the Fun
Liz is very happy with the outcome of the second elimination – probably because she’s been liberated from all stink eye Menudo was sending her way – and hits the “celebrating” hard. Russian wedding hard. The vodka flows and Liz is there to lap it all up. After several shots of vodka, Liz gets “happy”…
LiLo levels of happy
Trammy says that “Liz plus vodka, equals crazy.” Erika begs Liz to stop drinking, but Liz is not ready to stop. She tells Erika, who is the last remaining ally she has, to “kiss my ass… don’t tell me what to do.” At 31 years old, she insists that if anyone tells her what to do, she’ll do the opposite. So far, I guess her behavior can be explained by those pushy, judgmental 10 Commandments.
But go ahead and take on Thou Shall not be Gross, too…
The following morning, walls start to quake and pictures start to fall.
It’s not the Vegas arrival of the Jurassic Park Theme Hotel, Naked Cowboy Craig, aka “like Mr. Work Out America” (thanks J’ Gina), is hitting the treadmill harder than Liz hit the vodka. It’s annoying and it’s early, and it’s starts before his cast mates can recover from their hangover. So as his fellow competitors are getting their beauty sleep, resting their legs that ache from the weight of their egos, Craig is working on his FIT’NESS.
For like an hour and a HALF
Finally Trammy bellows a plea for Craig to stop and she returns to sleep. Craig heads out on the strip to find a whey protein shake and 24-hour tanning salon… or so I would imagine.
Trammy is finally out of bed and she would like to make a pot of coffee, “I’ve never made coffee in a coffee pot before,” she informs us. Apparently Trammy has exclusive access to Coffee Room at Wonka’s factory and the brewers her coffee by geyser… or something, because she stares in awe of David as he shows her the non-Loompa assisted coffee brewing technique.
So much time and so little to do.
Trammy will walk away from True Beauty with several new life skills if she doesn’t win the contract to become the Face of Vegas. Starbucks is always hiring and it’s nice to have a fall-back when the “Face of Reno” never calls.
Back in the spy room, the judges have seen Trammy’s foray into the culinary arts and Carson is empathetic to the budding barista. Beth is able to offer enough facial movement to imply that she feels the same.
Vanilla steps in front of the monitors to inform Carson and Beth that his week’s challenge is “Grace Under Pressure.”
I say we throw them in a DJ booth at Jet with Samantha Ronson and let Lindsay have a go at them.
The contestants will be filmed interacting with the people of Vegas. Each contestant is issued a set of questions to conduct their interview. They are told specifically not to open the questions until they reach the street. Their first TRUE challenge of the day will be to see if they cheat and open the envelope once they are alone in the elevator.
After the interviews are complete, the footage will be shown to a focus group to be critiqued. Our contestants will be able to see and hear what the focus group says, and TRUE challenge number two will be to see if they can accept the criticism gracefully. For people who think they’ll one day be accepting Grammy and Emmys gracefully, I don’t think they’re able to enter a room gracefully.
Carson arrives in the suite to tell the contestants about the third challenge of the competition. He says that the winner will be selected by a focus group. Trammy says she’s never heard of a focus group “but she’s heard of … AA meetings, or whatever.”
Accepting you have a problem is the first step. You people have a problem.
Liz-abeast uses this opportunity to reiterate that she loves looking beautiful and being the center of attention. Which is the pre-rec for reality show participation, if you haven’t already completed Sex Tape 101 and D-list Divorce 201. Judging from Liz’s proclivity for vodka and ass slapping, I would say she could still circle back and take those as electives.
As Carson hands out the cards containing the interview questions, Craig says that today they’ll be judged by “nobodies”, so this challenge is going to be interesting. What is Naked Cowboy’s profession again, mall cop?
Carson exits and leaves the contestants to start their elevator rides to the lobby. GI Diego is first to the elevator and aside from swayin’ his hips to elevator muzak, he does not commit any offenses. He doesn’t look at the card, he passes.
But now you’re going to have I’m Every Woman in your head all day…
Beth tells the spy room that Mouseketeer Michelle has grown on her, so of course we find doe-eyed Michelle ripping into the envelope like it contains the secret of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s success.
A: Big boobs.
Michelle fails, and sets a crappy precedent for the girls, because they all follow suit and cheat, diving into their envelopes with the same abandon as Tiger Woods into a text war with a stripper.
Red is not flattering, ladies.
GI Diego sets the standard high(er) for the men and neither Taylor or Craig indulge in the secrets contained the in the envelope.
The contestants have hit their tiny patch of red carpet and are now in search of interview participants. None of the contestants seem to easily attract volunteers, which isn’t surprising see how uncomfortable the competitors seem among the unwashed masses trekking from the penny slots to the buffet.
Naked Cowboy has hooked his first interview subject and rattles off the questions with the charm of a soap star and the ease of a 6th grade spelling bee champ. Craig is successfully ad-libbing and thinking of follow-up questions while keeping his porcelain veneers shining the afternoon sun.
What if I got the Justin Beiber haircut? Would you say I more likable, less likable, equally likable…?
Craig turns in an admirable audition tape for Ottawa public access and the judges are impressed with his on-camera presence and ability to pronounce multisyllabic words.
Trammy is up next and she keeps the smile on her face while facing the public. But she’s gangly and awkward. Ok, she’s Maya Rudolph during “Wake Up, Wakefield!” with a valley girl accent.
Erika is up next. She’s bubbly, and tries to get people to dance and bop along with her, which is irritating as hell. She’s like Miley Cyrus at her 30th birthday party. She annoys the people she tries to interview, along with the judges, who look concerned that Erika spends more time accosting the tourists with her guttural giggle than asking them questions.
Party in the USA, Y’all.
Taylor is attempting engage the interviewees. The most I can say for Taylor interview style is that he’s reasonable polite while being abruptly dismissive. I happen to love that in a man, but the judges will not.
I don’t want to talk to you either, but have a nice day.
Liz–abeast is perched behind the velvet ropes working on her intro. She manages to eke out “Face of Vegas… very nice” while wandering about the carpet. But I wouldn’t say she put together a cohesive… sentence. When someone has agreed to an interview with Liz, she’s stuttering and awkward. She makes Dee Reynolds’ stand-up look polished.
Jersey Gina is very energetic in her interviewing and reacts well to the crowds. GI Diego says that he’s going to do well because he’s a Leo and Leos rule the Sun, “And what is the Sun? The brightest star.” Wow, I was partially expecting him to say the Sun was fuel of his “I Love Me train” or the Sun is only spotlight bright enough for him, but half-decent astrological answer. Nicely Done. I respect a man that can respect a theme.
David has a tourist on the red carpet and he has stumbled across one of Carson’s carefully placed SAT words. David starts, “aus-ten-sia-ably…” and stops. Erika, Liz and Michelle also are stopped dead in their tracks by high school level English. Back to GI Diego who is now asking a mild mannered middle aged lady about her reaction to the “ca-cuh-fawny” of Vegas.
I heard the “fawny” isn’t terrible, but don’t get the “ca-cuh” at a buffet, they only put out the cheap stuff.
Regina has surmised that the producers are “throwing them a curve ball and making up words to see how we deal with it.” So she skipped it. Like underwear at the prom.
It’s just a hassle.
Michelle and Taylor have proceeded confidence into the world of unknown nouns, and have asked the tourists about Vegas’ “cack-aphony” and have also probably decided that it must mean, “overwhelming jealousy of the good-looking population.”
The spokesmodel portion has been completed and the contestants now have to face the focus group. Much to Trammy’s chagrin, the focus group is not like an addict support group. Addicts are usually self-loathing, focus group participants are there to direct their loathing on someone else…
…plus, no doughnuts.
Transported to the focus group in a party bus with a stripper pole… Oh Vegas, you’re out-RAGE-ous! The contestants are headed into the second half of their TRUE challenge. Will they be able to accept the criticisms of the focus group?
- A. No, because the people participating in the group are not as beautiful as they are and are obviously jealous.B. No, because the people participating in the group are not as talented as they are and are obviously jealous.C. No, because the people participating in the group are not as adored as they are and are obviously jealous.
The focus group is real, they don’t work for the True Beauty. They will be grading the contestants on appearance, style and hosting ability.The contestants are watching the focus group through a one way mirror as their fate is decided.
Taylor up first and the focus group thinks he’s boring and too scripted. And sloppy! One woman wants to know why he didn’t iron is shirt. This is the comment that really pisses him off.
Taylor lets loose a stream of profanities and fails the test. The judges are surprised to see this side of Taylor. Third challenge and his golden image is shattered, why always the third date boys? Fail.
Erika is next and she seems to have the male members of the focus group smiling, but two of the curmudgeons in the group thinks she’s only into herself and reminds them of a bad weather girl — Hyper and idiotic. She should be the face of Spring Break, not Vegas. (Is Vegas not Spring Break with property laws?)
Erika smiles and accepts the criticism. Pass.
David is able to smile while watching his audition tape, although the focus group does not have the same reaction. The first member to speak really likes him, he’s playful.
His playful look.
The rest of the group thinks he looks like “Vanilla Ice with a spray tan” and he is basically pathetic because he couldn’t pronunciate anything. That wasn’t a typo, the people of the focus group are also morons with Wal-mart accents.
David takes the criticism gracefully, but does inform us that he’s an astrologer, “he goes farther out there with his intelligence than most people.” He’s not disqualified for asinine comments, so he passes.
Mouseketeer Michelle’s tape is a gag reel. She’s called a bimbo and isn’t thrown into a fit of rage. Pass.
Naked Cowboy is up and the focus group is ready to be kind. Craig is straight off the soap star manufacturing line and guess what? People like that. My grandmother would spend 3 hours a day with a televised image of him. My grandmother also thinks the ABC afternoon line-up is one long show — and that Port Charles, Llanview and Pine Valley are just different parts of the same town, but she’s happy so we don’t try to explain the difference to her. Why kill her fun? Either way Craig would fit in perfectly as a new bouncer/surgeon/half brother to series regular on Port Llan Valley.
Forget Franco, here comes Naked Cowboy!
The worst comment Craig he receives is that he looks like half leprechaun, half Chippendale dancer. Which are a pretty popular figures with a golden packages and a loyal fan base, so Craig sees the positive undertones to the comment and laughs it off. Pass.
Regina’s footage rolls and she flirts her way through a couple interviews. The focus group seems really put off by her, even without knowing she’s Jersey. (She skis in her jeans!) They think she’s bubbly, but self-centered. The one middle aged woman calls her a dingbat, and says “put her back on her pole.” Ouch.
Oh, those are fightin’ words.
Jersey doesn’t back down.
Jersey Gina vows to wait for that focus group member by her car, and then flips her off. After her ABC-censored response, the judges are mortified to see Regina continue this crude behavior during challenges. FAIL.
Trammy is next and surprised that she sounds dumb on-camera. The focus group thinks she’s cute. One woman calls her out on her nasal tone and bad posture, but she barely reacts and passes the test.
…I bet they don’t know the secret of coffee.
Liz is last and she has less fans in the focus group than in the house. The women thinks she’s sleazy, which the men are okay with. Liz hears the cruel comments…
Starts to twitch…
But remains calm and passes.
Back to the suite at the end of the focus group. All the contestants are shocked at how brutal the comments were. Although GI Diego is ready to dip into the astrologer handbook and rationalize away the situation because “Mercury is in retrograde.” It’s amazing, he never breaks character. Annoying, yet intriguing… like mimes and Scientologists.
It’s been a long day and the contestants are ready to unwind by the pool. Everyone is having a good time until Liz arrives, drunk and ready to dance.
I’m every woman… it’s all in me.
Liz is asked if she’s ever pole danced. Liz explains why she can’t pole dance. (HER ASS.) She then marks Erika’s arrival with a story of how she danced on the pole. Liz-abeast says she showed Taylor who — bless his dumb-jock heart — decides to defend his position and say that he did not see Liz dance on the pole (BTW: the pole is really the hand rail to the hot tub). Learning nothing from the first night bed fiasco, Taylor engages in an argument with Liz about the credibility of her hot tub pole dance.
Taylor continues to insist that Liz only danced near the pole, when Liz retorts, “At least I did something
Yeah Taylor, what XXX entertainment are you contributing?
Taylor: Liz, you’re the most fake person I know.
Liz: You’re stupid… I’m going to fart in your face.
At these point, no one wants to see this fight extinguished because GI Diego tells Liz that no one understands her. “Tighten the bolt in your head and lighten up…” GI Diego gets in the last word as Liz walks away. Off to fart on their pillows, possibly.
I hope Leos are also immune to pink eye.
The next day the contestants are assembled to hear the decision from the focus group. Naked Cowboy has successfully charmed the focus group and won. The bottom two are Liz and Taylor.
The contestants are released and left to return to house, Liz Taylor can prepare for the final face off. Taylor feel pretty confident about facing Liz at elimination and EVERYONE else is rooting for Taylor to return.
Show’em your “O” Face
Liz is shocked that she’s at the bottom. No one else in the house shares her surprise. Even the judges are set on her fate. Carson and Beth are already practicing their goodbye Liz expressions, when Vanilla jumps in with her big speaking role of the episode and gets to tell her highlighted henchmen, “Not so fast.”
The Lindsanity hasn’t begun
Neither contestant will be going home tonight because another contestant broke the rules and used a cell phone. That person will be booted.
Miss Liz and Taylor arrive at the final face off. Liz says she’s had a tough time in the house and Taylor is asked if he’s been part of the problem for Liz. But it doesn’t matter, because they’re both safe. Enter Regina.
Forgiveness — is more than saying sorry…
J’Gina has been busted using a cell phone, she says she had a moment of homesickness. She comes from a big, close, Italian family y’know! And she was homesick. Like in all the other True Beauty eliminations, it doesn’t matter her fate has been decided.
Vanessa arrives to deliver the news and show Regina that we know she’s ugly on the inside and she’s out.
Are you happy Liz was saved this week? Will it allow for more Vegas drama? How will the cast mates react to her return? Will DJ Davy D be able to understand the celestial reason for Liz’s return? What do you think?