True Beauty: Karma’s-abeast

On episode 5 of True Beauty the contestants are thrown back out in front of tourists, but this time without flash cards. They are tasked with remembering information in a booklet (please note that I choose the word “booklet” in place of “book”, because I’ve seen more imposing texts given out by the Jehovah Witnesses in front of the C train. Basically they have to memorize the same amount of information as found on a Denny’s menu) about the history and culture of Las Vegas. Their tour group will be judging their performance, and their TRUE challenge will be if they will tamper with the tour score card when given the chance.

How am I going to remember what comes with fries?

We find the contestants having their weekly debate over who will return triumphant from the final face-off, will it be David or Craig? The consensus is that Craig will return because this is David’s second time up for elimination. And apparently punishment is escalated with each loss? Like the time-out chair? TaylorBear wants David to return because he’s more fun and less of a threat and less likely to end up in bed with Liz.

They’re literally sitting around coloring and discussing that David will not be coming home.

He would be the first person to survive two eliminations if he wins again tonight. Everyone but Liz wants David to return. Liz says that Craig brings out the best in a lot of people. She’s not just speaking for herself, the Naked Cowboy has had a profound effect on…Carson?

Cut to Naked Cowboy on his way home from elimination, he thinks that he won because David was a joke. He says David wasn’t a wildcard, he was joker.

I’m a Model/Joke, not Joke/Model

He returns to the suite and Liz is ecstatic.

But they’re right and Craig returns, somber and pensive. He wants his fellow contestants to think it has a heart.

To celebrate Craig’s return, the final six contestants hit a club at the Palms. They’re headed to Moon. Trammy comments that “it’s like letting the animals out of their cages.” Craig is dancing his moisturized ass off. He’s bopping all over the VIP section doing the white man’s overbite. But he’s wearing his shirt unbuttoned ala Saturday Night Fever, so apparently this behavior is acceptable.

You’re not going to win any naked rodeos that way Cowboy.

Everyone is quite amused with Craig’s shenanigans. Craig is “feeling the vibe,” and very quickly that leads to feeling Liz. While Beast is working her mojo on Craig, we see an interview with Liz where she says, “he has the magic touch… and magic words… he gets her right there.”

Not in public, please.

Trammy speaks for the rest of the cast and says, “it’s pretty gross.”

Especially since they’re like… over 25. Yuck.

The party continues back at the suite when the cast comes in and is still rocking to the crazy train. Liz and Craig go off to cuddle or compare highlights or cocoa butter application techniques. Meanwhile Erika is bouncing around near the bar like she’s about to wet herself. It turns out she doesn’t have to pee, but she really would like to release some gossip. She tells Taylor that she has information she really need to divulge to someone.

Taylor: Can I be that outlet?
Erika: Okay, so … Liz said she was on her bed and fascinating (sic) about him. Like in really life… and watching him and thinking about him. So that she would have a crazy sexual dream…

Taylor sits stunned to his studly seat while Erika continues to explain how Liz was trying to create a lucid dream situation where she gets to straddle the Naked Cowboy. About half way through the story Erika (who has been holding out on us) picks up the story in a nearly perfect Liz impression.

It’s slightly more Antonio Banderas /Puss in Boots influenced than she may have portrayed had she been sober, but it’s still amazingly entertaining — for this show, anyway.

Taylor and Erika continue to discuss Liz’s Craig fantasies, giggles and snickering, drinking and snotting themselves. They’re laughing so hard that they catch Liz’s attention as she walks through the living room. She’s sober enough to make sense of what the voices in her head are screaming.

They’re all going to laugh at you Lizzie.

I’m not saying she’s wrong. She’s totally right, but she doesn’t hear what is being said, she just recognizes the dulcet tones of giggling and intuitively knows that someone is talking about her. She paces in the entranceway first, but then decides to chase Erika down and yell.

“If you say something to me and disrespect me, I’m going to blow up on you,” Liz tells us. Since Erika said nothing to her, she’s going to blow up on her. Here we go, how bad will her bite be?

Liz chases Erika into one of the bedrooms and screams, “Stop being fake, Erika!” No accusations aside from said “fakeness” and Liz storms away. Erika dismisses it with an eye roll and a shrug.

I hope it didn’t really shake her up more than that because I don’t want to miss out on any more of her impressions.

Liz says that some people just think that they can step all over people. And small businesses, and magicians, and journalistic integrity and pleas for help… Damn those people!

Morning has arrived in the desert and the Mousketeer is flaunting her entire wardrobe. As she tells us, “I packed two suitcases, but I vacuum packed it.” She has more clothes than anyone else in the suite and is always fussing about grumbling about what to wear. The judges are watching of course and they get a good chuckle from Michelle’s outtakes.

Carson:  Oh, those girls, they should do like to play with their clothes and shoes and extensions, don’t they Beth?

Beth: Speaking of extensions, Howard says you need to return the Bettie Page Wig you borrowed from me. He has an event I need to wear it to…Chuckle Chuckle Chuckle

Doing her best Xist modeling agency entrance, Vanilla appears with this week’s challenge. Carson waits diligently to hear what scheme Vanessa has cooked up, while wearing his finest T-Birds: The Prep School Years attire.

Vanilla reveals that she has arranged for the contestants to display their knowledge of Las Vegas by acting as the guide on a bus tour of the Vegas strip. They’ll be shuttling around “real live tourists” – now where ever would you find them in Vegas? I guess they had them brought in from Disneyland — and the tourists will rate their performance.

Vanessa completes her schpeel, complete with strategically timed eye brow raises and jazz hands, and sends Carson in his Angus Young-meets-Hells Angels uniform off to tell the contestants that their next challenge will require reading.

All within 10 seconds, I shit you not…

If they manage to sound more intelligent than Snooki in the Battle of Jay Walk Allstars, they may win this challenge.

Carson arrives at the suite just as the contestants are prepping for bed. (That’s a long time to watch Michelle look though all her purchases from Toon Town.) Carson is here to deliver the news that the next challenge will be based on a bus tour, and hand out the reading material required for the contestants/tour guides to learn.

The booklets they receive are 10 pages long, they probably require less than 30 minutes and a 93 IQ to get through, but the contestants start hemming and hawing like they were just handed a Physicians Desk Reference to memorize and repeat on pain of death.

The booklet has to be memorized by tomorrow morning, but it couldn’t contain much more detailed information than found on the back of a box of Rice Krispies. Michelle says that since none of them are from Vegas, this is going to be a tough one. Right, because if you were raised outside of Nevada the huge Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty and pyramid may confuse you, you may not know you’re in Vegas, but Paris, New York and Luxor all at the same time.

Lowest score from the tourists will mean you’re headed for final face-off. So the contestants take their Vegas Sparknotes and prepare to go to the reading center and drop everything and read. Liz is put off because, “it looked hard, it looked like a book.”

You look like a moron.

In the next batch of footage, we find the contestants making excuses for why they are going to suck tomorrow. Erika says she is memorizing things that she didn’t already know. Of course not, if you knew this it would be review… and it would probably be a cocktail recipe book from the Playboy mansion.

Naked Cowboy is saying that it won’t be too hard for him to read, because he reads a lot… when he has time. However the last time he had the time was about 10 years ago. You know how it goes. 19 is such a tough year for most teenagers… tough professionally.

Mousketeer and Trammy have already given up. Their brains are atrophied from conversation about mascara, and clip-in versus compression extensions, so they have already given up although it’s only 10 pages to memorize. Michelle has read though the booklet and seems to think that’s sufficient.

Liz is scared. If those other challenges were hard, she tells Craig, this is the hardest!

Remember standing upright for an hour? I think his is going to be worse.

Michelle agrees that Liz is going to have a hard time. When Liz tells Mouse that she’s not even going to try, Michelle supports her decision.

Back in the Spy Room Vanilla once again says that REAL LIVE tourists will be on the bus, as opposed to real live unicorns or pterodactyls.

Trammy is up first and has a simple, yet “charming” start. She’s asked by one of the tourists where to get a good steak in Vegas. Instead of blurting out the name of a chef, any chef, since every almost every celebrity chef has a restaurant in Vegas somewhere… (Shout out to Colicchio!) or even point to a row of restaurants in the distance and MAKE SOMETHING UP…

I heard Wonka’s factory has great Kobe…

…she says that the buffets are great. Would she have even been able to come up with the word “buffet” had she not been covered in pasta last week hocking Planet Hollywood’s lunch specials? Probably not. But she interacted with the tourists, so she wins points. The judges say she’s nervous, but sweet.

Trammy also talks up the conventions that come to town. The Venetian’s facility has “1.8 square feet” in their center, so that would be a great place for the electrons and protons to have their annual convention.

Or Carson and his fashion career prospects.

At the end of the tour Trammy is muttering “that was bad” to herself and the judges note that her confidence is an issue, she falls apart after every challenge.

Liz is on the mic next and she looks great. Her sense of international geography not as strong. After one passenger says that she’s stayed at the Venetian, Liz says that that hotel is beautiful, it’s almost like being in Spain.

The most gorgeous city in Genovia.

Liz fumbles through the rest of the tour and the tourists notice she’s not too swift. They begin asking her questions about the hotels and Liz is impressed that they know things that weren’t even in the book. She’s asked what the theme of the MGM Hotel is and while she correctly identifies the hotel to stare at blankly, but isn’t able to fudge an answer.

Oz is near Venice, I think. You head to the northern end of the Strip, make a right and then straight on til morning.

Liz flirts her way through the last leg of the tour and Erika is next. Although Erika’s red polo covering her best assets (as opposed to Liz who wisely wore vinyl leggings) she is feeling confident. She starts reasonably strong, and with the exception of making the original proprietor of the Flamingo Hotel a cousin of Steven Seagal (Bugsy Segel), she actually relays information to the passengers of the bus and does well.

Can’t hate on a girl for being a Under Siege fan? Can you?

TaylorBear is next and accurately relays info about Planet Hollywood and selects the correct unit of measure to relay info about Planet Hollywood.

Carson comments that Taylor is very knowledgeable and likable, I have to agree. And the boy took it seriously. He tells the camera that he thinks he should know as much as possible about the town he wants to represent.

Mouseketeer gets done introducing herself and then draws a blank. When she wakes up from her catatonic state, she vomits up information about the monorail usage and fails to impress or engage the crowd. She weathers the windy conditions (45 miles per hour, depending on the posted speed limit) and gets more tangled in hair extensions than in a fight at RuPaul’s Drag U. She then tells the crowd that more than 130 motel and hotel rooms in Vegas accommodate visitors from around the world… a hell of a lot more. More rooms than that are used for Barry Manilow’s loafer collection. But I guess it’s not technically incorrect — 100,000 is more than 130. The judges don’t think that she’s not articulate or polished.

Too pretty to be bothered with numbers.

Craig is up and despite not being able to identify the large pyramid in the middle of the strip, the crowd is with him. Especially after he points out some of the secret hidden gems of Vegas — like where he buys his body butter. No word on where Criss Angel and Carrot Top stock up, but interesting none-the-less.

The judges don’t seem to care that Craig didn’t know a thing. He’s charming.

Time for the TRUE Challenge! A disgruntled patron has been planted on the bus. The manager of the bus company is also an actor. As Nancy the pissed off passenger disembarks, she hands the contestant the score card along with a few suggestions about how they should stop being crappy. The actor/manager will suggest they alter the score card in the contestant’s favor. Will they cheat? Will a bear shit in the woods?

Craig is first up and handles Nancy’s comments gracefully. He hands off the score card to Manager Giovanni and surprisingly does not allow him to change his scores. Maybe he is a better guy than I think? Maybe he’s wised up after the blonde chick was sent home for breaking the rules? Maybe he just has too much cocoa butter on his hands to hold the pencil, but whatever the source of his modesty is, he doesn’t cheat.

Each contestant is placed into the same scenario and each contestant waves a polite goodbye to Nancy and stops Giovanni from changing their scores… except the beast. Liz is not only going to let Giovanni cheat on her behalf, she suggests it.

“It goes by numbers,” she tells Giovanni. “I could lose the whole competition.” She tells him, “take the one and put a zero next to it.”

Vanilla says since the contestants were judged on appearance, enthusiasm and knowledge of Vegas by the tourists, Liz may get past on her looks… again.

Time to gather the contestants in the casino and reveal the decision. Beth and Carson have assembled the contestants and reiterate that REAL LIVE girls, all nude determined the final two in this challenge. The response cards have been reviewed and  they have a winner. However, they would like to review a couple of the more choice bits of feedback first.

Craig was enthusiastic and looked like Spencer Pratt, but it wasn’t up in his Vegas knowledge. Taylor was better with the facts, but someone thought he was smug. Liz doesn’t know what that means, nor does she know when it’s an appropriate time for the question and answer period, and tries to find out what “smock” means while Carson is speaking.

Smock [smok], -noun: tall male with morals, and a chance in hell of winning this competition.

Michelle got high ratings for her look, rat’s nest hair aside, but didn’t know what she was talking about and she was awkward, 10 points from Toon Town.

Liz only got points for appearance, and she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that there was any other category.

Trammy was enthusiastic, but lost points for not knowing the Vegas facts. Erika also only got points for being cute.

Taylor wins and Michelle and Liz-abeast are at the bottom for turning in crappy performances which contained less information than a sandwich board.

They’re dismissed and return to the suite. Liz says she feel “emotionally destroyed” she knows she’s done.

Those vinyl pants were not smock-like…

Once they enter their room Liz and Michelle begin to pack. Trammy and Mouseketeer begin discussing how Liz always skates by on being pretty.

I bet she’s here on a dance scholarship too.

Liz is crying into her suitcase, because no one goes into her room to console her. She decides that she’s just going to bail and not bother with face-off when Craig enters. Craig tells Liz that she has to fight and Liz is touched that he cares. Craig says that they just don’t know what the judges are looking for…

Maybe Carson likes it when you’re smock.

…and that the people on the bus graded her, but the judges could disagree. Since Liz is here to win, she’s going to face-off.

Michelle is happy that Erika and Trammy are already making signs for her return. Trammy vows to hold up the “Welcome Home Michelle” sign even if Liz walks through the door.

Her I’m with Stupid sign is next in the deck.

Trammy’s annoyed that Craig is supporting Liz-abeast. Liz is leveraging the anti-Liz sentiment in the house to fuel her revenge. She claims that all the other people in the house do is try to bring her down and make her feel like an outcast. It’s not easy being blessed.

Mouseketeer and Liz-abeast say their goodbyes and are out the door. Liz promises to return, more threatening before.

The judges are deliberating and begin to go down the score sheet. Liz has cheated on every challenge. Liz cheats for the sake of cheating. Liz cheats while getting dressed, during interview, during the tour and probably while she sleeping. She cheated on Naked Cowboy in one of her dreams about him, just for the sake of cheating in an alternate plane of consciousness…

Carson calls her the Typhoid Mary of True Beauty, if she can do wrong, she will. Michelle hasn’t been an angel and hasn’t won a challenge. She’s doing a good job of bitching out Liz, but Liz has made an impact because she’s beautiful.

There’s one last chance for Liz to redeem herself. Vanilla has planted a large sweaty man at the valet and he will approach both Mouse and Beast. Will they graciously accept his compliments?

Michelle is up first and Sweaty Man asks if she’s a movie star. “You’re someone I know, Kate Beckinsale?”

She indulges him and even gives him a weak hug. Will Liz?

NOT A CHANCE.

At elimination the judges ask both women for their final words. Michelle argues that she’s the youngest contestant and deserves a second chance. Liz says she has the personality and the intelligence, she here alone because there’s no one to support her.

But the final nail in her exquisite coffin was blowing of the sweaty spy. She’s out. Michelle is safe.

Liz won’t hug Michelle and is seething while Michelle exits in tears of joy and relief.

Liz is confronted by Vanilla and the footage, but storms off halfway through her montage of malice.

And I thought she was a good sport…

She has a meltdown outside. “It’s bullshit,” she says, “This show will have good rating because LIZ was in it. Now? Good luck.”

This is Vegas, they don’t need luck. Just hidden cameras.

Next week, the contestants are faced with a Momzilla in a bridal shop. Will they assist the ailing bride? Will Craig step into the villain role now that Liz is gone? Can Erika do a decent Christopher Walken impression? Some of these questions will be addressed in the next episode of True Beauty.