True Beauty: Modern Day Mordor

On episode 4 of ABC’s True Beauty, the contestants will be faced with a quest for a ring — Face of Vegas- style.

No, no one will be required to fight geriatric geeks at the slots, they’re just going face a test of compassion. Would they help out a stranger who has lost her engagement in the trash?

Last week on True Beauty, an interview challenge put Liz-abeast and TaylorBear at bottom of the pack. While everyone was amped for the opportunity to send Liz packing (with the exception of Craig who has warmed up to the beast), all our hopes were dashed because Regina made contact with the outside world and was ousted.

She’s remorseful.

At the beginning of episode 4 of True Beauty, the cast mates discuss Taylor vs. Liz in Final Face-off.

The whole house agrees that Taylor should return and will return. The remaining players gather in the living room and get excited to celebrate his return. The girls are dancing around the living room as they set up shots to celebrate the banishment of the beast. Erika and Mouseketeer have created cheers and have staged a celebration for TaylorBear.

On the car ride home from elimination, Liz-abeast tells the camera that she would rather be coming home alone. “Taylor has qualities about him that set him back in this competition,” she says contemplatively.

Cut to Taylor’s car ride, “What qualities did she say are holding me back?” he asked the camera.

Pan out. They’re in the same car. Three inches from each other.

I can smell your negativity. It smells like ass and cocoa butter.

Liz goes on to explain (or blurt out, but with great authority) that Taylor is negative. Taylor says he’s not and that everyone in the house would agree. Liz is one who causes drama, she’s in the center of every shit storm in the house. Liz-abeast says that she’s not here to make friends.

But if you’re so full of sugar and sunshine and positivity, it wouldn’t matter if you were in competing in Olympic Judo — your competitors would respect you. Or they would rather chew glass than make eye contact?

Everyone freeze, she can sense movement.

Back at PH, Craig starts making excuses for Liz. He feels bad for her. GI Diego sets the record straight and says that if Liz comes back, he’s still going to treat her like the crazy bitch she is.

Cue the door. Taylor bounds back into the suite and the cheering commences. Erika and Michelle race to him and everyone seems thrilled to see Taylor. However the door hasn’t closed yet. David’s celestial-sense doesn’t tingle and everyone is dumbfounded to see Liz’s mug appear in the suite. There’s no explanation, no mention of the fickle ways of fate, Liz is just there.

Everyone is thrilled.

How could this be? They ask. What could have happened here? Where the hell is that blonde chick?

I’m busy too, stupid dick.

Regina is gone and Liz is here and without further explanation Liz hones in on the shots.

Are these your shots? I don’t see your name on them.

The next day all the contestants are getting ready. The girls are always in the mirror, prepping their weaves and such. Craig has a different daytime ritual. He saturates his body in cocoa butter.

It accentuates my muscle tone, while moisturizing my dry ski-i-i-i-i-i-n.

Keeps his skin looks great. Makes fun noises while applying the lotion in the middle of a television set.

GI Diego has cornered the contestants in bed and Professor DJ D is telling his competition that the next few day will be “intense astrologically.” He wants to share his wealth of knowledge and is willing to conduct readings for his cast mates. He gets no takers. His cast mates would rather sit and stare at their reflections in the gold lame wall paper than listen to GI Diego speak. In fact many of them curl up in bed and try to weather the worst of the vocal assault in fetal position.

Erika calls it David’s “hippie-feng shui-pseudo-astrological-psychobabble”. David then proves this by saying “Universe”, “inner child”, and “mercury in retrograde” a lot while all the cast mates try to sigh their way to a slow death.

I imagine that Taylor is having fantasies of the days when David’s voice with canceled out by the docile tones of J’Gina summoning the waitress with belches, while screaming about her family and Italian food and JERSEY.

Back in the spy room, Beth and Carson are wowed by the cast mates.

Carson: David sure does talk — doesn’t he, Beth?

Beth: Why yes Carson, and if anyone knows talentless blowhards, it would be me and Mrs. Imus. *Chuckle Chuckle Chuckle*

In the middle of this fake conversation Vanilla arrives to deliver her weekly monologue. Unfortunately Vanilla’s acting coach must also be a Jessica Simpson hand me down and all she manages to do is raise her eye brows and gesture like Peter Griffin speaking Italian.

Once this is added to my reel, that Proactiv commercial is mine!

Vanilla says that the contestants will be posing for a photo campaign for hotel’s buffet, they’ll be posing in the nude with nothing but food. Beth and Carson get to pick the winning advertisement.

Vanilla has also arranged for there to be a TRUE test of the contestants’ compassion. Carson is sent off to tell the contestants about their photo challenge. As Vanilla and Beth compare has-been husbands.

Vanilla: Howard sure is irrelevant these days – isn’t he, Beth?

Beth: If anyone knows about whoring to fan base like Sarah Palin on a Wal-mart book tour, it’s our men. *Chuckle Chuckle Chuckle*

Carson arrives at the suite with a room service cart with 7 covered plates. He explains the challenge again, but slower and with fewer words.

Michelle narrates, that Carson arrives with “a little rollie-diddy. He had a bunch of little domes with plates underneath it, so instantly I knew it this was something to do with food.”

Maybe some hot yums-yums and gooey goodies…

Ostensibly they need to put together an ad for the Planet Hollywood buffet, but capitalize on their resources, namely their abs and they food items they will choose. Right now.

Liz is up first and she tells the camera that she’s been told that her body is actually perfect, which she has taken to mean she’s free of imperfections, blemishes and shame. She’s makes her selection and she will be draped in pastries.

GI Diego knows he can sell anything and then names many of the unappealing things that he would be sure hock for the right price… used cars, carpet, ShamWOWs…

First, sell me on why that hair style is attractive.

Naked Cowboy Craig is up and lifts the dome to reveal a half-dead crab. Cut to the interview, Craig says, “I have crabs. Not literally but..” So he thought of this joke early. He’s going to run with it the whole episode.

I think you’re looking for J’Gina. She’s no longer with this production. Try the set of Girls Gone Wild: New Brunswick.

Carson is poised for some seafood jokes, because Taylor reveals a plate of sushi next. I choose to believe that Taylor has a better offering than a tuna roll, he’s just a good sport.

Michelle picks vegetables, David has fruit and Erika has ice cream. David is a little bitter about the last selection. Despite possessing a stellar selling ability, Erika has boobs. And boobs move product. No word yet on what his inner child or the universe with Mercury in retrograde will to contribute to the effort.

Amy is last and has no idea what she’s revealed. It’s pasta, she’s be working with Italian food. David thinks that Amy is going to have problems (not only because she can’t identify a plate of food that would be instantly recognizable to Lady and the Tramp) but because she is self-conscience about her body. And pasta isn’t sexy. Unlike crabs, and pineapples…

Erika is nervous on the way to the photo shoot. She’s never posed nude. Taylor chimes in that he’s in the worst position, because “at least your crotch won’t smell like raw fish!”

Dude, this is a family site.

Back to the spy room, Vanilla is positioned in front of the monitors and ready to watch the photo shoot. The contestants will work with a food stylist and a photographer to style their photo, but they’ll also face a challenge of their TRUE beauty. In the green room the contestants will be allowed time to work on their campaign, where an assistant/spy has been planted. She will tell the contestant that she lost her engagement ring in the trash. Will any of the contestants stop what they’re doing? Can what they’re doing be referred to as a brain storm, or should we call it a wintery mix of thoughts? A transient flurry of brain function?

Beth thinks that asking them to dig through trash is a lot to ask, but it’s ultimately the right thing to do. Time to see what unfolds.

Trammy is positioned in the room first and the assistant asks her to for a favor, “if you happen to see my ring, I lost my engagement ring.” Trammy hesitates to respond…

…but ultimately getting up and says she’ll help her sort through the trash.

Good girl Trammy. Pass.

Liz barely looks up, just mutters “I feel sorry for you,” but doesn’t move an inch from writing “Mrs. Face of Vegas. Mrs. Elizabeth Naked Cowboy” x100, to help the assistant look for her ring. Fail.

Erika teeters around the opposite edge of the room initially, but does get her hands into the trash and help the assistant find her ring. Pass.

Craig is at the table writing some new Aaron Neville lyrics to send off to his moisturized hero, when he hears the assistant’s plea but only offers, “I hope you find it.”

I hope you find it too, stupid dick.

Fail. Naked Cowboy and his naked shame.

Taylor is in the trap next, he appears faux-distracted at first, but doesn’t let us down. He gets elbow deep in trash to aid the search for the missing engagement ring. Taylor will certainly be the last male contestant in this competition. I think the producers need to even the playing field and give the girls a challenge with a more simple descent into cattiness. Like a pillow fight, a runway show, or a contest for Twilight tickets.

Good boy Taylor. PASS.

Michelle giggles at the sight of the garbage, but then seems to figure out that the assistant is in distress and gets up to help. She doesn’t figure out that the search has been narrowed down to the trash receptacle, because she gets on her hands and knees and starts looking under the counter. But no one’s testing her on her special reasoning ability or her sense of direction. She made the effort, she passes.

The judges think that action helps Michelle to stand out. The Mousketeer has been towards the center of the pack, but that really showed compassion. It showed ass crack too, I don’t think they awarded her points for that.

David is at the table diligently scribbling. He engages in a conversation with the assistant, but after hearing her tale of loss, he yawns his hyena yawn and gets out of the chair and walks out of the room.

The Universe saw that coming…

In the next room David is with Trammy, Michelle, Erika and Craig and asks the group if they saw the woman digging through the trash. He says he thought about helping her, but ultimately decided against it, because he’s in the middle of “waiting to get this done.” He’s busy. He’s in the middle of waiting.

How can I possibly hear the Universe talking to me over all that whining?

Craig chimes in and agrees with David that helping this woman would somehow be a detriment to their game and that’s not what they’re here for. The girls think they’re mean. They guys think it’s game play.

Girls don’t understand a tactical maneuver, that’s why we suck at sports, and war and … being eliminated.

David helps people every day. It’s what he does. He helps them see the universe through his fat beats, but in this instance the petty little search cannot interfere with his game. The judges are appalled at the comments of the men and Beth says that David and Craig better have the best slogans and photographs, cause they’re in the shit.

The judges are appalled…

Before they even see his photo shoot.

David arrives at the studio in his nude thong, eager for the shoot to begin. His idea is this — He’s going to wear the fruit and “hold the banana like it’s my junk.” I don’t think this photographer has ever had a more straightforward instruction from an art director.

Maybe some melons for boobies? Too obvious?

Well, GI Diego jumps up on the examination table and takes his banana in his hand– like a man. He gets his pasty thighs bronzed up and he’s happy — posing like an ape in mating season. David closes out the shoot and jumps behind the computer to add his slogan to the photograph.

Who guessed that it’s a dick joke?

David is happy to have complete control over this project and chooses the slogan, “You have to experience the peeling.” Like feeling? I guess. And not like a side effect of the topical Valtrex?

Liz in on the table next, lying behind a pile of muffin stumps and Krispy Kremes. She’s trying her best to look tantalizing, while covered in the contents of a Dunkin Donuts dumpster, and the “boom-chicka-bow-wow” music is supposed to make us all agree.

Liz tells us that in front of the camera, she feels free.

“Free” looks a lot like “mid-hiccup”.

Taylor has sushi on his crotch and quiets his giggles long enough to deliver a shoot as Adam of Sleaze.

He sees his pics and cannot quell his laughter. Laughing at pictures of yourself naked is not usually the manliest response, but TaylorBear is still the most charming man on the show. Flattened crotch-shot aside…

Michelle has skirt or lettuce and turns in a decent Jessica Rabbit-feed look. The judges are impressed with Michelle.

Sultry, yet fibrous.

It’s time for the Naked Cowboy to put on his suit of crabs. He took a risk he says, A RISK with his balls and allowed them be exposed to live crabs. He’s also drizzled in some oil? And lined with crabs as he tries out a couple “Triton, King of the Sea(men)” poses.

It’s totally unclear why this would be appetizing. He looks like XXX He-Man attacking a race of crab people…

Erika and her whipped cream bikini are breaking though clichés next. The whip cream is melting faster than my enthusiasm for food puns, but she whips out a nice photo.

Sugar and spice and everything that won’t hold up under the studio lights…

Last is Trammy and her unknown food product known as pasta. Luckily Trammy is breaking through her boundaries while competing on this show, learning how to iron and operate a coffee machine. How long until she can heat and serve her own food?

Does anyone else think that marinara near the bikini line is an unappetizing image?

Trammy appears to be pretty miserable during the shoot. Which would be a detriment if this show had something to do with modeling… luckily she’s not a dick and the photo doesn’t really matter.

Of course, Trammy doesn’t know that and she freaks out when she sees the photograph. She thinks she looks fat. She doesn’t like her stomach.

I knew this would happen if I got near carbs.

Back at the suite Trammy is having meltdown. She’s convinced that she looks “150 pounds” and has “10 stomachs”. The drama alarm goes off and Liz enters the room to note someone else in pain, before dismissing it as not Liz-centric enough to warrant her attention. “I don’t know why she was crying,” she tells us. “Maybe she wants attention.”

Michelle (who has obviously been detained from presenting at the CMAs by this little shit storm)…

Imma let her finish but… it’s annoying…

…says the Trammy has this little break down after every challenge and that she “doesn’t mean to be a bitch, but it gets annoying.” Erika and Taylor reason with Trammy and tell her that it’s one drawback, she’s put together something strong otherwise. Chill.

She hasn’t been this emotional since she figured out that the high heels aren’t painful if put the correct shoe on each foot.

David is worried about the risk he took, it could blow up in his face. Michelle already knows he did something distasteful and stupid. Now America will too… it’s time to face the judges.

Beth and Carson our impartial judges, are meeting the contestant in the casino bar before the happy hour specials and wings are put out.

“Here comes the hot buffet.” Carson says.

But it’s just the contestants… damn.

Here comes the eye roll and the channel change.

Beth says the she’s never had to work naked with food in 25 years of modeling. So she’s gives them credit for taking on such a bizarre and intimidating prospect… which leaves me to wonder if she meant being naked, or working so close to food?

Carson announces that they’ll make the final decision and they will judge the ads based on the contestants appearance, the slogan and the overall look of the photo.

First up is Taylor and his “California Taylor roll.” He looks great, but he’s not facing the camera.

I don’t care.

Liz has a hokey line and she’s really covered up. Carson says she’s prettier than this picture shows.

“Wide-eyed crazy” is about right, she could go a little more “pretty”.

Craig’s poster contains a good photo, but the slogan is crap. It’s too vivid for a restaurant.

The poster is supposed to generate interest in the buffet, not concerns about who is handling the seafood.

Michelle’s picture and slogan are great, the judges are impressed.

David is another story…

BAM.

Beth — the most prude “Stern” to ever participate in media — is uncomfortable with this picture. This kind of garish nudity should be confined to internet blogs and radio studios. It really has no place in Vegas.

Erika is in ice cream and the judges really like the picture, it’s very provocative.

Amy is drab, she looks uncomfortable.

She looks more uncomfortable looking at the photo now…she admits to the judges that she thinks she looks fat and that she doesn’t like her photo.

I just learned to make coffee. Can I pose in that?

Carson tells her she can’t appear to lack confident if she’s the face of Vegas.

Erika walks away with the win and Craig and David are headed to final face off.

David thinks it’s ridiculous that in Vegas he should be penalized for penile reference. Trammy wants David to return because he has great energy and Craig is big competition.

David is also much more supportive of Lost Boys theme parties… inner child stuff.

The judges’ perspective is a little more murky. They think the two men are about even. In the TRUE challenges, David’s record is better but Craig is generally a more pleasant guy. They both tanked today, but that doesn’t help them judge the two men on their challenge records. Vanilla has one more TRUE challenge to tip the scales.

Actors, posing as tourists are positioned outside the hotel. The frumpy couple will approach both men and ask them to take a photograph of them. Craig is up first and he runs from them like they’re lepers.

Cocoa butter doesn’t repel middle-America.

David is very amiable takes the photo chats with the couple.

Leos are very good photographers. We control the sun, so there’s always great lighting…

It’s not convincing enough for the judges however and after the first elimination deliberation, they send David home.

Vanilla emerges from the shadows to say that winner of this competition is the perfect combination of inner and outer beauty — and true beauty will be inner and outer beauty, and it’s comes from the inside when you’re truly beautiful, and I come from a big family I love them, and we’re close and we’re just great together, this family I love… true beauty comes from within.

I’m beautiful too, stupid dick.

I think they made a piss poor decision. Craig thinks he’s better than everyone else and he’s really not entertaining. There’s a reason America doesn’t steal a lot of television show ideas from Canada… they’re dull. I miss GI Diego already.

Next week the contestants will act as tour guides on a bus tour of Vegas, and Liz and Craig get closer. Who will be eliminated next? What did you think of this week’s challenge? Would you help a stranger dig through the trash? Does it matter once you’ve signed your life away to Ashton Kutcher?