True Beauty: Runway Brides

Last week Liz was finally sent packing after falling into the bottom two in the tour bus challenge. She was thrown into front of a crowd of tourists and once again stammered and stuttered like a 4th grader in the Christmas pageant at Humiliation Elementary School.

On Episode 6 of True Beauty, the contestants graduate to wedding-level humiliation and face a challenge at the iconic Little Wedding Chapel.

Nothing says Vegas like a 55-hour marriage and a party bus.

The remaining contestants are expecting Michelle to walk back through the suite door. Everyone is happy to be rid of Liz, everyone except Craig, who wanted his cuddle-buddy to return.

In the living room they are throwing a party for Michelle. Craig abstains from partying with the group. Everyone else is looking forward to her return.

They created a “Welcome Home Liz!” sign, but it’s not visible in this dimension.

Michelle’s in the SUV on the way home. She says she’s back, “and I never want to go through that ever again.”

Y?

Because your days are numbered…

Michelle pirouettes into the room and everyone jumps and screams and celebrates her return. Craig stands in the corner like he has a cacao tree shoved up his butt.

Craig just sees a rodent problem.

Craig says he’d “rather have Liz in the house than a couple of other people who are here.” Big words from the Naked Cowboy, followed by damning  cut-aways of Taylor and Erika… Craig is not here to make friends, or participate in a secondary storyline.

Trammy asks Michelle if Liz fought at elimination. “What did she say?”, Trammy wants to know. As Craig looks on from over his martini glass Michelle shrugs off the question. “I don’t know. I wasn’t listening.”

Time for the “day in the life” montage. Apparently Carson’s fantasy is true — Naked Cowboy and TaylorBear are nudists.

Carson has to be hoarding all this B-roll.

“Who doesn’t like walking around naked? It’s a great little pastime.” Craig tells us. The girls of the house are complaining because Craig likes to moisturize in the middle of the room as much as Taylor like to change his clothes in a social setting. The girls hit the floor like they’re under mortar attack and not like hot men are strolling through their bedroom.

Trammy says she’s seen Taylor’s butt “more times than I wanted to… I never wanted to.” And the girls all feign modesty and giggle and cover their eyes.

“We’re in Vegas, people in Vegas don’t wear underwear. Are you crazy?” Naked Cowboy wants to know.

Are you a True Beauty or are you just happy to see me?

I am not interested in learning the true percentage of people that do not wear underwear in Vegas… I think it’s more than the people that don’t go to work during daylight hours or under florescent lights, or the people who didn’t  submit a resume for their job — just a urine sample and a video text message. In other words, more people than you would think.

The beauties are clothed once more and they file onto the party bus where they are headed off to their next challenge. Erika says that normally they would first meet Carson who would explain the challenge, but this time they are being shuttled to the challenge first.
Carson isn’t there to collect permission slips and complete a head count before they board the short bus– Sorry “party bus”…

On board the stripper-pole equipped transport, they are debating what the next challenge will be. Mouseketeer  thinks it’s going to be a performance of some kind, singing or dancing. Erika says it could be another kind of performance, like stand-up comedy. Which may be perfect for this group, they could have a crowd in stitches as they attempt to recite the alphabet or their home address…

At the prospect of performing Trammy starts to lose her shit. She doesn’t want to sing, she doesn’t want to make the crowd go deaf. What she does want to do is convince her competition and the judges that she is less complex than her false eyelashes and hair ornaments would lead you to believe.

She can also play dramatic roles.

Trammy doesn’t think she has a talent, she doesn’t like public speaking or public interaction or the way she looks in photos, so why the hell does she want to be the Face of Vegas? I think she should settle for the fame offered by the local news weather forecast or a shower cam. Geez.

Back in Vanilla’s spy room/acting studio, we find Carson and Beth sitting attentively watching Amy convince them that she has none of the skills necessary to be the Face of Vegas, a model or reality show contestant.

Vanilla enters for her introduction to the sixth challenge to find Carson and Beth are dressed as a bride and groom. Why, you ask? Vanilla has the mind-numbingly obvious answer. It’s going to be a wedding challenge.

Our acting student is ready to deliver her lines… The contestants will be competing to be the stand-in wedding party for couples who are getting married at a Vegas wedding chapel. While they are at the chapel they will also face their TRUE test. Carson and Beth are off to tell the contestants what they will be doing at the chapel before they panic and decide the challenge is who can recruit a spouse from the streets of Vegas first. Stumbling upon a proposal on the streets of Vegas is how Britney Spears ended up with one marriage that was shorter than a trantic sex session with Sting — and then… K-Fed.

At the Little White Wedding Chapel Erika says that she loves weddings, she loves love, she can’t wait to go inside and see what’s in store for them.

Erika’s a hopeless romantic. And you know the old saying, love is found when you

least expect to use the mobile stripper pole.

Trammy has continued her path of panic and says “red flags” are going off when she sees Carson and Beth at the altar. Are the contestants getting married? Do they have to marry each other? Yes, the challenge is to see who makes polygamy look the best. Awesome brainstorming Trammy. I’m glad the warning signals go off in your head when you see the hosts of the competition and not the blatant opportunity to cheat everytime you interact with a crew member.

Carson and Beth meet the contestants and explain that they’ll be in a bridal party today. They have to sell themselves to the bride and groom. They’ll be judged on likeability and appearance. The contestants that are selected the least are headed to the final face-off.

…where they will have to identify 5 things wrong with this picture.

The beauties are off one by one to the dressing room—this is where the TRUE challenge will be presented. While they are in the dressing room, a bride and her mother, both actors, are planted outside. The heavy-set bride is trying to fit into a dress while her mother berates her for not losing weight before the wedding.

The contestant in the dressing room can very clearly overhears the entire exchange. The mother then wanders off to pull more dresses. Will the contestant emerge from the dressing room to offer kind words to the bride? Or will our beauties ignore a person in pain to attend to their challenge, their competition and their hair?

Michelle is up first and after peeking out upon Momzilla’s scene of emotional destruction, she hides for a few more minutes and then sneaks past the bride — silently. Fail.

 

You could run away and never look back. The Mouse sure as hell intends to.

Craig is ushered into the dressing room while Momzilla tells her daughter that she should wear a more slimming dress that covers her arms. Craig emerges in his tux and as he walks past the bride he says, “I think your dress looks very pretty.” He doesn’t slow down, he blows past her at the speed of a pedestrian avoiding a beggar, but he does throw out a couple nice words and the bride smiles. The Naked Cowboy passes.

But I don’t have any change on me. Sorry…

Up next is our shy flower, Amy. As Trammy marvels at the arrangement in the dressing room,  she hears a fight going on outside. She stands against the wall of the dressing room until Mom leaves the scene and the dejected bride sits alone swathed in an ill-fitting dress, then Trammy makes her escape — right past the bride without saying a word. Fail.

The power of observation is just one more talent she lacks.

Erika is led into the shit show next. Not only does Mommy Dearest lay into her daughter about her weight, but also insults the groom. Erika emerges from the dressing room once for help with her dress, and remerges after mom’s exit to offer some very nice words to the bride. Erika asks the bride is she’s okay and then tells her that she looks beautiful.

It’s your day. No one will blame you for slapping a senior citizen.

TaylorBear’s the last contestant to be placed within ear shot of the self-esteem beat down on the main stage. Taylor — in his first disappointment of the season — LAUGHS as the bride takes the beating of a lifetime from her mother. Although I’m willing to be convinced that it was nervous, uncomfortable laughter (similar to the laugh his female roommates emit when he’s naked) it’s still a FAIL.

TaylorFAIL doesn’t have the same ring to it…

Dressed as a maître’d at Chez Shame, Carson says “Insensitive Party of One.”  Can’t top that.

In their down time at the chapel, the contestants are playing wedding. Erika says she’s the bride and chooses Taylor to be the groom. Naked Cowboy thinks that it’s because something’s going on between them. I agree that Taylor has a little crush on Erika. He wanted to be “her outlet…”oohhhh…

Craig will play officiant and decides to mess with the potential A-plot couple, and milk the ceremony for all the cheap drama and laughs he can.

Cut to Taylor’s interview where he tells us that marriage is like communism, “it’s a great idea, but it never works out quite right.”
I have to agree… Sure, The Smurfs were able to work it out, but that’s not real. The world can’t go ’round with only one Smurfette. We need more, we need reality shows to find the next Smurfette for us, and we need nakedness in the process!

Anyway, back from the mixed messages of an 80′ s childhood… Erika and Tay are playing husband and wife after meeting on a TV show.

Nice to be back in present day delusions, isn’t it?

So Craig takes some liberties with the vows and makes Taylor say he promises to give it to Erika good. Even double-up on certain days. Then he makes Erika promise to honor and annoy Taylor all the days of her life. That was one step too far. Erika recoils after the low blow, but recover and goes with the joke. Naked Cowboy ruins the amibiance of the fake wedding and the couple complete their vows without a turn on the stripper pole.

Now the contestants are lined up awaiting the first couple. The contestants will give their introductions, then two contestants will be chosen to be attendants.

Couple 1  is introduced to our contestants. Each one of our beauties chooses to project a certain image to the couple, so we meet Canadian Craig, Bridal Consulting major Amy, Good Time Taylor, Church Mouse Michelle and Hopeless Romantic Erika, who portrays herself to be as sappy and corney as a collection of Lisa Frank unicorn stickers. She’s a singer and songwriter, she loves animals… anything glittery and sparkly and fuzzy and cuddly. She’s says she’s building a repore with the bride, she’s also stocking Craig’s munitions next time he wants to go up against her and her fake marriage vows. She comes off a bit crazy.

and a smidge annoying.

Couple 1 chooses Craig and Michelle. But that’s where Michelle’s luck ends; Couple 2 doesn’t choose her, although she says she also wants to get married in Vegas. Trammy touts her NJ heritage, but that doesn’t go over well. Craig goes back to the “I’m a Canadian” Mountain man thing and continues to babble about being 30 and Canadian and already experienced as a fake Best Man.

He seems to be more comfortable talking about his cocoa butter consumption than about himself.

Taylor continues the laid back approach and works in the fact that he’s a former professional athlete. He wins over Couple 2, as does Erika and they are on the score board.

By the way, I Googled and found out that Taylor was signed by the Mariners for one year before (wisely) joining the Kutcher organization.

Nothing says Face of Vegas like the face of wasted potential…

Hideous Couple 3 (3 for 3 actually) is up and they select Taylor and Erika. At the end of the ceremony the couple enages in the most disturbing kiss caught camera since David was selling smooches from his plastic box in the first challenge.

My exact reaction to the first episode of this show.

Couple 4 selects Craig and Taylor and with that Taylor wins. TaylorBear says that this challenge was cake.

I think 3 > than the number of starts he had with the Mariners (Organization)…

Meanwhile Trammy still hasn’t gotten the nod to participate in a wedding. Mouse has one and Cowboy and Erika are tied at two. Trammy’s starting to wimper about not being chosen. Couple 5 enters and their names are Craig and Amy, so they choose Craig and Amy and she gets a luck-vote. It’s not enough to bolster her self esteem and when Couple 6 selects Erika and Michelle that ends the challenge. Michelle and Trammy are up for elimination.

BTW: Couple 6 looks like the bodyguards for Couple 5…

With that Trammy falls apart. She says that she doesn’t know why people don’t want her in their wedding. Sobbing she tells her fellow contestants that “she never thought she would be this miserably bad at something.” As the judges and her competition watch her cry, Taylor gets Trammy a tissue and Craig snatches a tissue for himself and delicately dabs his brow.

Erika and Taylor continue to attend to Amy as Michelle attends to her droopy bouquet…

 

…and Craig moans about an upset stomach.

My exact reaction to the first episode of this show.

Back at Planet Hollywood everyone is discussing the challenge. Trammy is upset that she was judged on first impressions. Craig tells her to suck it up. He tells her to fight for why she’s really here and get a hold of her insecurities. Taylor tries to give Trammy a pep talk, and tell her that nothing beneficial comes from crying.

Meanwhile Erika has bone to pick with Craig. She approaches him to ask him honestly if he thinks she is annoying. In the interview Craig says that he thinks she’s annoying. It’s her laugh. She laughs manically. A lot. A lot. A lot. He lies to her face and says he doesn’t find her annoying. Erika gets the sense that Craig hasn’t liked her this whole time. He prefers the company of Crazy Eyes to a crazy laugh. The assault on his auditory sense is just too much…

All the time.

In the dining room Trammy begs Taylor to be a victim of a make-over. She wants to put eyelashes on him. Although Craig warns him not to let her glue false eyelashes on… TaylorBear does it to cheer up Trammy. She promises Taylor not to get “glue on your (eye) balls” and pretties him up. Now Erika wants to teach him the “girl walk”, boobies first. Our athlete puts on his game face and does his best America’s Next Top Model impression for laughs.  Trammy is entertained, and she says feel the stress subside.

Maybe it’s enlightenment… maybe it’s Maybelline.

In the bathroom, Trammy is getting  ready for the final face-off. She tells us that this show has made her realize that she’s not perfect, but she’s pretty damn great. She knows that she has it in her to beat Michelle, but she feels bad about it because Michelle’s a friend. But there can only be one winner. In another room Mouse is screaming for Erika to help her sort through her wardrobe and come up with the most appropriate outfit.

No. Something that says, I’m a man not a mouse.

Any other contestant that went to final face-off twice hasn’t returned to the suite, but Michelle is confident she can be the first. She just needs the right outfit.

Same diff.

She settles on a cheetah print hooker dress and starts preparing for final face off… and Craig is there to “enjoy the show” otherwise known as Michelle preening. He says that Michelle has a booty for a petite girl and he wants to be there to enjoy the booty’s final appearance in the suite.

Ew. With the man-jewelry and gold wall paper in the back, he looks like a 1970′s porn director…

The two girls are ready for face-off and they cut to the interviews where they each say that they love the other one, but they want the W.

We join the judges in the spy room. Both of these girls have been relatively well-behaved, but they failed the bridal challenge and they have been the most vocal shit-talkers in the house. This is Michelle’s second time in the face-off, but Trammy’s confidence is as shaky as Vanilla’s acting credentials. Is it worse that Michelle is self-absorbed, or is it worse that Trammy doesn’t have the confidence?

Vanilla reveals this week’s the “final straw”. The contestants encountered a “florist”  while getting into their bridal attire, she was a actress. The florist tells the contestant that her friend is actually one of the brides today. She offers the contestant the bride’s vote. Will either girl accept the opportunity for a guarenteed vote?

Trammy’s footage is revealed first. And she turns down the florist’s offer very politely.Will Mouseketeer also obstain from cheating?

Back from commercial we’re at the final face-off where it’s revealed that Michelle has been eliminated.

At first Trammy is confuzed by the meaning of “home”.

But isn’t disqualified for asking the stupidest question in the history of reality television and exits to go back to the suite at PH.

When the florist offered Mouse the opportunity to cheat, Michelle giggled, and muttered “ok”.

Oh Mouse, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.

Vanilla says all the other contestants firmly turned down the offer. Mouseketeer Michelle did not.Vanilla tells Mouseketeer that this is a competition of inner and outer beauty and she’s a jerk. Michelle watchs the footage and seems genuinely embarassed, she doesn’t want America to she that as an accurate protrayal of who she is.

So ends another episode of True Beauty. Do you believe Michelle is genuinely remorseful? Would you get between a bride and her mother? Could any prize be worth any more time stuck in a suite with these people?

Next week the contestants act as blackjack dealers on the casino floor. Q. What’s scarier than having to pose in front of the high rollers? A. Counting to 21, apparently.