True Beauty: The Adventures of Robin Whores

Despite the high number of qualified people searching for work these days, ABC has chosen to give more work to Mr. Ashton Kutcher and therefore, we’re blessed with another season of True Beauty. Like the first season , TB brings together 10 contestants who think they are competing in a beauty pageant for a spokes model gig, but are in fact being tested on their inner beauty.  Season 2 has brought together 5 men and 5 women to compete to be the “Face of Vegas”.

Like “faces” are what matter in Vegas. Oy.

While competing in challenges that demonstrate their poise and charm, they are also being  tested on their ability to relate and be compassionate towards us regular folks. You know… uggos.

You mad ’cause you not.

How will they act when no one is watching? Not any more wisely than they do when they’re on a reality show and SOMEONE IS ALWAYS WATCHING. Seriously, the first person in the history of reality television to figure this out needs to be award the Nobel Prize. Or at least a free boob job.

Host Vanessa Minnillo is on hand with two new judges. Fashion expert and pun-tastic personality Carson Kressley and model Beth (Mrs. Howard) Stern. The winner will in fact be the “Face of Vegas” and get a spread in People magazine. Vanessa tells us that the two contestants will up for elimination each week. The eliminated contestant gets sent home with some shocking news and footage from Vanessa.

No, not that one…

Ummm… this one?

No, she tells them that they’re actually a contestant on True Beauty and that they were busted being dicks.

Vanessa introduces the Spy Room, where they will be spying on the contestants who should already realize people are secretly judging them… namely, me. And America. And history. You people should be more ashamed.

Time to get to the competition. These contestants already know they’re beautiful, but are they just as beautiful on the inside? Only one way to judge — to the catwalk!

Carson Kressley is the faux-host of this competition so we find him on stage in Downtown Vegas introducing people who grew up preparing for the spokes model competition on Star Search when the rest of us where cramming for the SATs. Smug bastards that back up the ER demanding to see a plastic surgeon for 3 stitches, when other people are carrying their thumb on ice in a Big Gulp.  Plastic Barbie and Ken doll wannabes who have created a market for back scooping procedures and bird poop facials. You know, quality TV…

Center stage, Carson is introducing the contestants. First to enter the “Face of Vegas” competition is Regina, who was Miss Teen New Jersey 2005.

I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Trenton everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should…

Jersey Gina tells the camera that she’s not here to make friends. She says, “if you give me a reason to be a bitch, I’m going to be a bitch.”

If you give me a reason to post horrible photos. I’m going to post horrible photos.

Carson says that he picks up just a hint of  a stripper scent on Regina. She enters in a gold outfit that would stick out in Liberace’s closet. I think it’s more like a touch of drag queen, but Carson’s the one on stage with her. She could literally smell like exhaust fumes and Bubblelicious, which is what I would assume is the scent of stripper…

Is that tinsel in your pocket or are you really dressed that way?

Michael is the first male contestant to grace the TB runway. He clarifies his profession, he is an ACTOR-slash-MODEL not MODEL-slash-ACTOR . He looks like a 1990s-era member of Menudo — with the accompanying lyrical abilities. He’s obviously a triple threat and launches into a rap when he reports he’s “slick like butter,” while YOU (you filthy beast) are “sticky like jam.”  It’s unclear if you’re sticky before or after he’s finished with “you”.

Actors/Models/Hair Victims

Liz is Cuban and a model. She says that women are often intimidated by her because she’s beautiful and she’s powerful. She’s “blessed” to be beautiful. “Touched” is more like it. She makes sure to emphasize her crazy-ass statements with her wide crazy-ass eyes and 99cent store eyelash extensions.

Blessed, possessed. Same thing, right?

I’ve seen enough reality television modeling competitions to know those  eyelash extensions will come raining down her face half way through the season when everyone else realizes this girl is also “blessed” with more voices singing in her head than on the cast recording of Glee.

Taylor is good looking, which is why he’s in a good looking people contest. He goes on to say that he’s attractive, which is what attracts people to him. Geez-us Taylor. Give me a little more to work with, because I need A REASON to make you my favorite.

Taylor has the Channing Tatum thing going on…

I look like Channing Tatum, which is why people sometimes think I am Channing Tatum.

Unfortunately for me — and obvious to the casting directors of True Beauty, Taylor is as monotonous and shallow as the producer’s cut of Dear John.

Erika is from Long Island and she’s a self proclaimed glamazon. Or as the judges put it… she’s boob-a-lich.

Erika says she’s got the aesthetics on point and she’s au natural, as long as you discount the breast implants and the hair extensions. Which Liz doesn’t.  She point out the exposed clips to Erika the minute she sits beside Taylor on stage.

That’s the same place where you two make my head hurt.

Next out is JD, or as he has deemed himself — Mr. Fantastic! JD is not only a good looking guy, he’s a philosophical good looking guy — like Barack Obama or Hansel. “Happiness is a choice,” he tells us. Choose to be happy and you’ll be happy.

FANTASTIC!

Choose to rock a Jonathan Brandeis haircut into 2010 and choose the same fate… FORESHADOWING!!!

Michelle is an aspiring dancer… I guess she hasn’t make it to the main stage yet… with a butt.  It’s very important to point out that Michelle has a booty. She’s “a black girl trapped in a white girl’s body,” she says. The judges and co-pretty people agree she has a butt. It remains unclear how this may give her an advantage in this competition, but everyone seems intimidated.

Do they fear she’s smuggling in contraband, or that she’s just going to ruin the sofa?

As the contestants settle onto their couch on the catwalk, JD asks everyone where they’re from and Jersey Gina proudly proclaimed she’s a tomato of the Garden State.

Represent.

JD agrees that Gina looks like a Jersey Girl. But that’s a good thing. Gina agrees. “I know, I’m a beauty queen. I got this.” Wink.

That’s exactly what I said to myself when I found out I was recapping a show with two Jersey girls (one has yet to be revealed) demonstrating their inner beauty. F*ck yeah, I got this.

David walks the runway next and… looks like Go Diego Go got a GI Joe makeover.

GI Diego tells the camera that he’s a DJ and an astrologer. However, he didn’t predict that the tides would work against him if he sets foot on the set of a reality show. David tells the camera that he loves himself so he gets what he want — and people hate that. I think he’s confusing hatred with fear, because as Carson says, his hair is a lethal weapon. And I would not trust this boy to safely operate a Pez dispenser.

Amy is the last female contestant. And she looks a little… big.

Like linebacker big.

Tranny Amy, Trammy for the sake of precious blog-space, goes on to say that a scale of 1 to 10 is not big enough for her… she’s an 11. Like her shoe size. And her… ehem.

Craig is the last contestant. Craig likes to look at himself naked.

I bet the carpet doesn’t match the drapes.

He also has no problem picking up women. I get the sense that Craig would be more at home competing to be the next Times Square Naked Cowboy. Oh, that’s a good idea. I’m pitching that reality competition to VH1. No stealing, Kutcher!

So, we have our 10 contestants and Carson is ready to send them back to the Planet Hollywood suite they’ll be sharing as they compete to become the Face of Vegas.

Back in the Spy Room, judges Beth and Carson compare first impressions with host VanilloMinnillo…

Although Beth and Carson are convinced they’ve rounded up a group of stellar human beings, Vanilla is the voice of reason. “Not so fast,” Vanilla says. They have the contestants staying in a Planet Hollywood suite rigged with 54 cameras! Less than Nick Lachey suggested they install in their house for the filming of Newlyweds 2: I do, settle for you.

Although our judges may initially think they’re dealing with saints, the contestants may behave poorly at home. You mean like arrive at their suite and act like animals at the trough?

Yep.

In fact, our ten contestants arrive and gang rush the bedrooms like Artie Lange at the green room in Stern Studios on nudie magazine day.

Time to select the bed they’ll be staying in for the next 8 weeks. Or at least the bed they’ll be starting in and kicked back into several times over the course of this competition.

Liz, the powerful bitch, looks at several beds and declares them hers… if only in her head… before deciding she wants the bed that Michael laid claim to.  While she’s fighting for bed A, bed B is claimed by Taylor and Liz is appalled that someone would apply the bed stealing tactic more successfully than her.

…Ugh, you’ll all have the same strain of herpes by episode 4 anyway. I wouldn’t get too twitchy about keeping your pillows separate.

Liz argues that she wants both beds, and that making a run at Michael’s bed did not mean she was giving up Taylor’s bed. Taylor refuses to yield. So Liz does what every powerful woman in America would do when faced with an impossibly solid argument. She emits a high pitch scream to repel Taylor and she gets back bed B.

Then celebrates a judicious victory.

In another bedroom and in another bubble of crazy, Trammy and Jersey Gina are bonding over their roots in the good ole dirty Jerz.  They begin to put together a scheme where they destroy all the other non-Jersey contestants.

I know I can trust you, the same sludge runs through our veins.

Others cannot be trusted if they weren’t also raised under power lines and bred on grease truck sandwiches. They agree that Liz is going to be fierce competition, and Trammy says “the bitches get far, but they never win,” as the judges watch from their super secret spy room.

Inside a FRIGGIN’ VOLCANO!

Okay, not really. And how long until that’s a theme restaurant/hotel in Vegas anyway?

After the break, we’re back and examining the bathroom situation in the suite. It looks like everyone shares a very large master bath, where the girls dominate. They need time for their hair. Who else is in there with them working on his hair? GI Diego, who also likes to give himself and his coif pep talks while styling his razor sharp mane.

Go get it Diego.

GI Diego tells us that he has a problem even walking outside for the newspaper without styling his hair. Ha! Newspaper. You don’t read the newspaper, Diego, you’re at a third grade reading level. What he meant to say was that he has a problem walking to the drug store for Crest White Strips and body glitter — let’s not bring a perfectly innocent print medium into this.

Once everyone is… I can’t honestly say beautified, but completely finished… creating their day look…

Day look.

… the contestants gather in the living room and Carson Kressley enters. He’s there to brief them on their first challenge of the competition.

The first round to become the “Face of Vegas” will be creating a Vegas inspired alter-ego. They’ll be sent to a boutique with $200 to buy an outfit. They’ll put together their look with the help of a stylist before being judged by the people of Las Vegas.

Luckily JD has just emerged from a 7 month process where he worked with a stylist to perfect his 90s Abercrombie look. Good investment, dude. You could have just copied an outfit from a mannequin in Sears. You also could have had a hardware salesman give you a haircut with a weedwacker and achieved a better look.

WASTE OF TIME

Back in the spy room Vanilla recaps the twist. The contestants think they are only being judged on their iconic Vegas alter-ego look, however they are also being judged on how they act when they think no one is watching…

Or when they are desperately hoping people are watching?

The TRUE first challenge will be to see if the contestants will shoplift to give themselves the advantage in the first challenge. An actress will stand in for a stylist and sets them up to steal some duds. The same scenario will repeat with each of the 10 contestants. The actress/stylist…

Not Stylist/Actress

…will set them up to go over budget.  Since they can’t afford all the swag they want, the stylist will offer them the additional accessory at a 5-finger discount.

Dancer Michelle is in the boutique first and she’s shopping for a pin-up girl look. She picks out a red romper that looks a little more “I Love Loosey” than pin-up girl… but can’t afford the animal print flower for her hair. Stylist Paige offers it to her after the cashier has stepped away, but Booty-licious Michelle takes the high road and refuses to smuggle out the contraband.

In her ass or in her purse…

Trammy is sent in next and she passes, she doesn’t think it’s right to steal the last component of her slutty bride costume. She wants to portray an image of integrity… and turns down the bedazzled busier that was out of her budget.

Thievery is tacky. The bustier is CLASS!

Naked Cowboy unsurprisingly goes for a vinyl cowboy outfit as his alter-ego and is the first to take the bait and steal the vest he couldn’t afford. He doesn’t hesitate, he opens the bag before Stylist Paige even offers…

Does the honor of a Naked Cowboy mean nothing?

SO the Naked Cowboy is the first to fail and accept the hot merchandise. He may look good naked, but that will be a determent should he ever land behind bars for his sticky-fingered ways.

Taylor can afford the cheetah print pants for his “rocker” costume, but doesn’t accept the stolen Elvis sunglasses.

Miss NJ passes, she doesn’t resort to thievery to complete her Lady Luck look…

Erika also passes on taking the extras to her Marilyn Monroe costume.

Michael shames the legacy of Menudo and steals the expensive shirt.

More embarrassing than this?

Almost.

David the Psychic passes on the stolen swag, but not the opportunity to embarrass himself further, he’s going to be our Vegas Elvis.

JD wants a drag queen look and is happy to try on the heels, but happier to rip off a small business and lets the stylist shove more merchandise in his bag for him to wear in his pursuit of becoming a Vegas drag queen.

Powerful Liz is the last contestant to enter the boutique and she is not happy with the low-end merchandise. She sets her sights on a bustier that – alone – will cost $275. Liz finally finds some other glamorous duds, but is annoyed that her needs were not met and happily takes the Mackie-esque bustier when Paige offers.

In fact I think Liz would have went back and done a smash and grab for that merchandise if she hadn’t had the willing accomplice. She was starting to obsess. Liz did not look happy until that top was in her possession. Illegally, but in her possession.

Back at the suite the contestants are getting Vegas Strip-ready, when JD emerges as Priscilla, Queen of the Nevada Desert. He’ s also managed to channel a little Barbie and the Rockers with a blue bob and a pink skirt covered in silver stars. All and all, it’s pretty terrible and just seems to make the rest of the contestants uncomfortable. Especially when he sits on the couch with his legs spread to check the state of his balls. It’s grotesque.

Haha! but check this out… Menudo Michael makes a pretty good stand in for Barbie’s short-lived BF Derek…

No?

Liz-abeast emerges from her bedroom bedazzled to the hilt. Two of the girls question Liz about her outfit, since when they were in the store, the bustiers were around $300 bucks and up. Liz is surprisingly calm and tells them she found the only one under $200.

Keep asking questions and you’re going to lose your Luckin’ tongue… Lady.

The contestants arrive at the scene of their challenge are informed that they are being packed into David Blaine style cases to be exhibited on the street. It’s too much to hope for that they’ll also be deprived of oxygen, but they’re safely sealed off from the tourists that will be voting on their outfits.

Voters are given a poker chip and told to vote on the best costume by depositing their chip in the case of the contestant they believe has the best alter-ego.

League of Extraordinary Douchebags

After an hour of posing for pedestrians, the two contestants with the lowest amount of votes will be headed to the final face-off where one of them will be sent home.

As Carson continues to pun all over the red carpet, voters file through and are immediately attracted to the T&A. Liz’s rack and Taylor’s cheetah print covered package are getting the most votes.

Erika Monroe realizes she’s not winning over any voters by covering up, so she’s starting to panic.  Pin-up Michele is next to Liz who’s cashing in on her eye-catching cleavage, so she’s try her best act cute…

…but at best looks like she stole Katy Perry’s pajamas.

No one knows what to make of Michael’s pimp outfit, but the chips start to fall in Naked Cowboy’s container. I think he’s hitting it big with the Midwestern grannies. Midwestern grannies who like their cowboys in patent leather and eyeliner.

Thank God there are Senior specials to Vegas.

The last 10 minutes hit and GI Diego’s Elvis, Jersey Gina’s serpentine Lady Luck and Erika Monroe try to extrapolate the last votes from the crowd with kisses and pleas.

At least it’s hygienic.

The rest of the contestants follow suit, with Taylor leading the charge, humping the glass as the grannies turn up the flow on their oxygen tanks.

JD tries his best Wong Foo magic to seduce the crowd. But he’s also desperately trying to stay upright in heels.

Learning to walk  in heels would have taken another 7 months…

Time is called and Beth and Carson announce the highest number of votes — and the least number of votes. The winner of the challenge is Liz-abeast. David and JD have the least votes and are headed to the final face off.

The contestants are back at the suite, de-rhinestoned and ready to celebrate. Winner Liz gives a passive aggressive toast, and says “there can only be one winner.” And kills her champagne under a barrage of dirty looks and snickers. Shockingly enough, she’s not surprised people don’t like her.

JD is in his room planning his sexiest outfit to wow the judges, while GI Diego is banking on his lucky Leo cuff links to save him at elimination. Diego goes on to say he is the most qualified to be the Face of Vegas, because he’s just an amazing person, which is what Vegas needs. Yeah, he’s amazingly tan and amazingly vapid, but will that what make him the winner? It’s TV, so maybe…

We find the judges back in the spy room discussing the two contestants that are up for elimination – and the winner. Even though Liz stole her entire outfit, she will not suffer any repercussions this round. Since she’s stacked, she’s safe.

JD and GI Diego will still be up for elimination. GI Diego seems to do poorly during the challenge because he seemed to give up. JD is really into the competition, but he’s a cheat and he’s a little annoying.

Vanilla reveals that the judges decision may be easier, because they staged a second test. Outside the boutique an actress was planted. She struggled with her phone and her dog and blocked the entrance to the store. She asked the contestants for help as they entered, but did either JD or GI Diego stop? Turns out that JD did. GI Diego rushed past her and blew her off, saying only, “No, I gotta do something”.

…be an Amazing Person!

Will this sway the judges? Will he have dog shit on his car door when he exits the boutique? If so, we don’t get treated to that footage.

The two male-beauties enter to face elimination. Carson and Beth are in the studio to break the news to JD that he’s going home. He was brave to do drag, but it was poor execution. He was an ugly chick.

Then enter Vanilla who reveals to JD that in fact, this is an inner beauty contest and they caught him cheating and thieving. He has nothing to say once faced with the footage of his thievery.

His portrait is removed and nine contestants remain.

Coming up this season, a fight to be The Face. Who will prove to be more than a pretty face… and worms and spiders on the inside? I’m hoping for Taylor? Any early favorites?