True Beauty: The Secret’s in the Trash Talk

When we left the contestants of True Beauty, JD has been eliminated and David is throwing himself a victory celebration on his “I love me!” train. The contestants are at the suite waiting for one cast mate to return. In the meantime, lets talk about hair extensions! It’s about as relevant to this episode as this competition is to LasVegas, but …

Any excuse for more unbe-weave-able photos!

All the girls (with the exception of Trammy, ironic… for a dude) wear fake hair.

Regina. Check.

Michelle. Check.

Erika. Double check the lashes too…

Liz has the most serious weave, a more permanent application, so she’s the is the elite weave wearer. “There’s a lot of fakeness going on…” she tells us, as she goes on to describe the stench of the fake hair sizzling in the curling and straightening irons with the same disgust save reserve for discussing cheaters, thieves and liars. Irony, AGAIN!

In the living room waiting the contestants await the return of JD. Menudo wants JD back, he says he’ll be in “the happiest boy” in the desert to have his buddy back… but they get GI Diego instead.

I choo-choo-choose me!

David’s super jazzed to be coming back, but the reception waiting for him at the suite is less than… sweet. David feels fantastic to win the first faceoff and is ready to celebrate his big victory, but there isn’t much of a party waiting.

Maybe there’s a surprise party next door.

Honestly, I don’t know what he thinks is so deserving of a victory. He just showed up and heard a verdict. Like at court… or The Maury Povich Show.

Does no one think it’s suspicious that the challenges are less involved that a DMV road test? What footage do these contestant think that the camera crew is racking up? And what do they think they’ve done to deserve these victories? What is criteria beside tourists’ votes? Does he think he was more creative than JD? More charismatic? That Carson wanted to pounce on him more than the competition? Honestly, it would seem less suspicious if they just made them eat cow testicles and the loser went home. But who am I to try to inject objectivity?

Anyway, the consensus seems to be that everyone is shocked that JD was eliminated, but Diego doesn’t see any of this and just sees how jazzed everyone is to get him back.

Dude, I’ve seen air ducts and water jets elicit more excitement.

Trammy is a young’n. She’s 22 and has apparently never functioned off the umbilical cord. We find her attempting to iron for the first time and her mind is blown when Menudo shows her to optimal way to use the iron. Prior to his intervention she thought the iron was broken and smoking, and she was able to press only able to press her shirt into a stucco-like texture.

At least she’s holding it by the correct end.

At the Planet Hollywood pool the contestants have gathered to bond, and size up their competition. Hard. By hard I mean the stares that Naked Cowboy is directing towards Erika’s cleavage.

Regina is telling the others about her family and how close they are.

I’m guessing they’re happy for a break now and then.

Regina goes on to tell the inhabitants of the True Beauty cabana that she comes from a big, Italian family and she loves them and they’re family, and they’re big and loving this family she comes from and she is close to because she loves all of them, and there are a lot of them.

Her cast mates have heard the Jersey Gina rants before and all have a comment on how much Regina talks. And talks.

GI Diego is ready to muzzle her by force. Either that or he has created an Ben Still puppet to accompany his new Something About Mary hair style.

Franks and BEANS

Back to Regina:

“Do you know what I ate for lunch? Chips and dip.” She tells whoever will listen.

You’re going to eat pavement in a minute if you don’t quiet down, pipsqueak.

She’s Italian and Italians are the best. Best food, best culture… best descendants, obviously.

Menudo looks around the pool and notices that they’re missing Liz. He discusses Liz with Taylor and decides that Liz is an unpleasant, snotty elitist. Menudo thinks that Liz thinks she has a target on her back. All the other contestants must have it in their heads that she’s the front runner and they have to take her down. Then Michael expresses specific intent to TAKE HER DOWN.

Way to make her look stupid.

Back to the Spy Room where Vanilla is telling her judges/more famous henchmen that in challenge number two the contestants will think that they are just competing to win a walk on role in the Penn & Teller stage show. The famous magicians will be teaching them a trick, which they will have to duplicate it. The best novice magician wins. But for the TRUE test, they’ll have to keep the secret of the magic trick when interviewed by a reporter from People Magazine.

One flash of a press pass and these fools will spill their social security number and the security code to their grandmother safe if it meant getting a picture in People magazine between Michael Lohan’s farmer tan and David Boreanaz’s mistress. No. Doubt.

The contestants file into the theater and Carson and Beth are on stage to greet them. They may have noticed by now, that they are in a very large theater. That probably means there is a very popular performance on the marquee. Famous magicians perform on this very stage and you’ll be taught a trick,have perform it and then be interviewed about your experience.

Enter Penn & Teller, Vegas legends and legit magician/reality show whores. Michelle is excited, she thinks Penn & Teller are “definitely A-listers”. And Penn & Teller are grateful to contribute to the reality show business, because the more reality show stars that get churned out, the more people below magicians in the fame hierarchy.

Just above ventriloquists and celebrity “Personal Umbrella Holders”…

Penn & Teller reveal that the winner will be their assistant for one trick in that night’s performance. Michelle is afraid she’ll be asked to participate in the woman sawed in half bit and is at risk of losing her legs. Ugh. Serious.

Penn & Teller act out the little red hanky trick. They make the hanky disappear into their fists and are able to bring it back. Ta Dah! The duo performs the trick with a little verse to help the contestants remember…

Look my hand is empty.

Look a little red hanky.

Look closely. Not closely enough, it’s gone.

But a little wiffle dust and it’s back.

Look my head is empty…

The contestants all ooh and ahh, like they’re 5 years old and they just got the quarter pulled from behind their ear. Penn says that’s the trick, and if anyone asks, you don’t know how it’s done. Play to your strengths…

Trammy is astounded and unsure she’ll be able to pull it off. She’s can’t “BOIL COFFEE”. How will she do this? Hopefully without the burning hazard of boiling coffee.

Penn & Teller are the judges so they’ll choose the winner and bottom two. The contestants are split up and sent off to different locations in the theater to perform one-on-one auditions.

Taylor is up first, he meets Penn & Teller in a what looks like a Geisha’s parlor, but is hopefully just a prop room.

You just want to see a trick?

Taylor says he’s enjoying his time here and he’s ready to perform for the two magicians. Hopefully not Geisha-style. He’s the first contestant guilty of showing only one hand as empty at the beginning of the trick.

Penn asks Taylor if he is comfortable on stage, if they could ask him to demonstrate a fake trance for them… back in the Spy Room Vanilla asks Beth and Carson for their trances and Carson’s “trance” is…

Not unlike his expression when Naked Cowboy is in the room…

Better work on your range Carson if you don’t want to be typecast.

Penn & Teller seem content to not make Taylor perform for them anymore. I wouldn’t have let him out of the room that easily, but they obviously have different priorities, which are evident when they enter the next audition space and find Regina who has the thumb on the table in front of her.

No. Hide the props. Show some sense.

Better.

Penn has to point out that she’s already tipped her hand, by pointing out the thumb and discussing it with them before performing the trick. So she’s done before she even starts. They ask her fake trance anyway and she collapses more easily than her chance at post-reality show stardom.

Next is Liz who has mesmerized Teller with her cleavage before she even starts the trick.

As invisible as my weave…

Her sultry performance gets a good response and Penn & Teller move on to watch David. Neither David or Liz seem to achieve fluidity in their performance and jam the handkerchief into their fist like they’re canning apricots.

David gives wooden performance, but Beth thinks that he looks like a magician. Just because Diego has the same unnaturally even tan as David Copperfield doesn’t mean he can pull off the same level of showmanship. He’s also the same color as Snooki, doesn’t mean I want to see in Belmar this summer doing backflips in a pink thong…

I think GI Diego is just past “The Full Jersey”

Michelle performs after GI Diego and gives a little jazzier performance, if not much more convincing than her competition.

Trammy is next and she remembers to show that her hands, both her hands, are empty before performing the illusion. The TB judges are impressed, and Penn & Teller ask Trammy is she can pull off a cheesy trance if they ask her to be in their show. She says sure she can do “cheesy anything.”

Which is the response on the application that got her cast on this show.

Naked Cowboy is next and he gives a semi-charming performance, if not totally convincing. Erika and her girls perform and totally distract from anything appearing or disappearing in the room.

Menudo is last and manages to give an amateur performance less credible than Michael Scott at magic camp.

The TB judges are not impressed and criticize Michael for lacking charisma.

Times for the interview portion, each contestant is put in front of a reporter from People magazine. But the reporter’s in on it and is going to ask them to spill the logistics of the magic trick.

Menudo’s up first and he says that Penn & Teller taught them a trick, and says it’s pretty simple, but doesn’t give away the secret.

Michelle and Liz both spills the deets about the decoy thumb without much prompting.

A lady never… oops, she told.

That’ll get you a caption below Scott Baio’s tweets! Good job girls!

David the Magician’s Complexion keeps the secret, so do Regina and Trammy.

Daddy says, no one likes a rat.

Naked Cowboy sings like it’s Broadway at matinee time.

Erika plays coy and keeps the secret, Taylor keeps my affections by keeping the secret too.

It’s time to hear the verdict from Penn & Teller, who base their decision solely on the magic performance, how seriously they took their performance.

Results:

• Taylor did not set up properly.David wouldn’t have fooled an audience, neither would Menudo.Regina had the secret on the table. (You don’t show the pageant judges the duct tape and weave, even though they know it’s there… would you?)Erika would have fooled an audience, so would Naked Cowboy.

  Trammy made the trick better than they did. (Which is hard to believe, because not a couple hours before Trammy was convinced an iron was properly used in a bludgeoning movement…)

  Michelle’s performance was good too.

So anyone with boobs who didn’t point out the BIG SECRET!!! while performing a tap dance, covered in sparklers is great, and the guys are weak. Basically.

Penn & Teller pick the overall winner and it’s Trammy. Really narrow victory, but they’re right, she pulled it off more competently than her competition.

Regina and Michael are named the worst and are headed to final face off. Trammy will be working with Penn & Teller tonight.

The bottom two are at the apartment stewing about their loss and how they’ll return and why they deserve to return. Trammy is upset because her two closest friends are going to final face off, her victory doesn’t mean at much.

The smack talk has begun. Menudo gives us his impression of Regina, she’s spoiled and annoying and the impression is even more annoying and now I want them both eliminated.

Regina’s spoiled. Michael’s street. You can tell by the hat.

Regina vows to stay in the competition. She’s driven. She’s a competitor. She’s embarrassed that she can be eliminated. She’s so talented. She’s sending Michael home. Michael (of course) vows to return and tells Michelle that he’s coming back. He’s not a loser. “Failure is not an option,” he says, “which is not technically my slogan, but I use it like I made it up.”

Like DUMB as a ROCK, is not technically mine, but I use like I made it up.

Time for the magic show. Trammy is brought out on stage while Menudo festers with jealousy in his seat. He just thinks that Penn & Teller have a thing for Asian Chicks. Ha. Probably, but she was still better at magic.

In the Spy Room the TB judges are debating the strength and weaknesses of Jersey Gina and Menudo Michael.

Michael is not super charismatic, but Regina is driven.

Michael and Regina both talk smack, but they both passed the TRUE challenge.

Last challenge Michael stole and was proud of himself for it, Regina didn’t, but she is still oogie.

So they’re about even — and it’s time to stage another test.

Regina and Trammy are prepping in the bathroom and talking about how REGINA HAS TO STAY. Based on the fact that… they want her to stay. Regina is prepared to fight.

I bet they could get her to eat the bull testicles. JUST SAYING.

Time for goodbyes and Jersey Gina and Menudo are on their way to the face off. But on the way they encounter the last challenge. Each one of the contestants will be left outside the hotel while a very drunk man (Literally only missing the wooden barrel.) gets into a car and attempts to drive away. NOT REALLY!

Hey! I have the same tagline on my headshot!

Who will stop him? Regina is up first and at first she just looks outraged that someone is getting service first…

Is someone going to take MY drink order?

…but the consummate Jersey girl is ready to open her mouth and tell someone else their business. She stops the man from driving… but will Michael?

The two are brought into the final faceoff and Carson reveals that Regina is safe. Michael is going home, Vanilla enters to tell him the twist. It’s an inner beauty competition, and they winner has to have the TOTAL package. Expired maybe, curdled possibly, but complete package. Michael didn’t say anything when the drunk dude got behind the wheel and that sealed his fate.

Failure is your only option…

So another week is complete and another mind numbingly simple challenge has gotten the remaining eight contestants closer to the title of “Face of Vegas”. Will anyone figure out that this competition is a weak as their morals? Will Taylor get more screen time? Will Michelle lose her nose in a freak “got’cha nose” accident?

We’ll find out next week.