True Blood: Doll Good Things…

I don’t know about you, but I genuinely enjoyed last night’s episode of True Blood – if only because of all the cool storylines they seemed to be setting up.  It might not have been the most action-packed episode, but it was loaded with one creepy plot twist after another. And what was up with all the freaky doll action??

The episode opens right where the last one left off – Sook is driving down the road where she encounters a shirtless (makes no sense, but yum!) Eric staggering down the road. He seems to have little to no memory of who he is, other than the fact that he’s a vampire. Sook acts like a total bitch, and is all, ‘I don’t have time for this shiz!” and drives off. Natch, the second she stops to take another sneak peek at his washboard abs in the rearview mirror, he pops up out of nowhere in the window and scares the bejezus out of her (and me!)

“Why do you smell so good?” The better question is, “Why do YOU smell so good? And look so good?” It’s just not fair!

Sookeh runs, but it’s no use; Eric is obi too fast for her feeble human legs. She manages to pop him in the face though, which hurts his nose and his feelings. “I’m not your f*cking dinner!” she screams. Eric then accidentally calls her “Snookie” which had me rolling on the floor with laughter. Basically, the last thing Eric remembers is getting his memory wiped by some woman. Sook feels bad, so she agrees to help, provided Eric keeps his hands and his fangs to himself.

Snookie vs. Sookie.  Separated at birth?!

The Wiccan circle is recovering from Eric’s attack on Marni and Tara. Lala thinks they should obey Eric’s orders and disband immediately, but everyone else is all riled up and wants to wage war.

Jason’s still tied up to the bed at Hot Shot, looking like a hot mess after Filton and Crystal half-devoured him in their attempt to turn him into a were-panther. Outside, grandpa yokel is telling campfire stories to the inbred kiddies about the origins of their kind. Ghost Mommy and Ghost Daddy? This sounds like Republican revisionist history spewing out of Sarah Palin’s mouth!

Jason’s been coming to Hot Shot for over a year and he couldn’t bring this guy a toothbrush?!

The next scene is some random YouTube video of two dudes “catching” a vamp snacking on some “helpless” victim girl. The vamp runs off, and the three bumpkins promote their anti-vamp website: www.vamps-kill.com. Cut to the vamp sitting in Principal Beel’s office, whining about entrapment. Beel is completely unsympathetic, and condemns the vamp to the true death. Whoa! Rough! Drunk with power much, Beel?

www.dumb-white-hicks.com

Jessica pays Beel a late night visit to spill her guilty guts about cheating on Hoyt by snacking on another dude. Lame-o buzzkill Beel insists she come clean to Hoyt. Ugh! Darn morals!

Sook takes glee in inviting Eric into “her” house, and it is ADORABLE watching hapless Eric doing his best not to get his muddy feet all over her rug.

Le sigh!

Pam’s snacking on some shirtless stud named Jethro at Fangtasia when Sook calls to tell her about Eric’s memory loss. In the blink of an eye, Pam’s out the door and busting in on Sook gently washing Eric’s feet. (I know feet can be gross, but did anyone else find this touching and romantic? Especially when Sook tickles his foot and Eric cracks his very first smile! “Who the f*ck is she?!” Eric demands, not recognizing Pam, then apologizes for his crass language! I’m sorry, but polite, neutered vamp Eric is HAWT!

LOVE him!

Pam realizes that his memory has been zapped by witches, and insists that Sook hide and protect Eric – especially from Beel, who’s been looking for any excuse to have Eric killed. Sook initially refuses, and when Pam threatens her, one shove from Eric sends Pam flying across the room! HA!

I thought she liked it rough?!

Eric forces Pam to be nice to Sook, which is hilarious watching her slap on the most forced smile of life and ask for help. Sook reluctantly agrees, but demands to be paid for her babysitting services. Hehehe.

Jessica comes home to find Hoyt watching the news…with that nasty baby doll in his lap! In case y’all don’t remember, the doll was first seen in the season 3 finale, lying on the floor of their house when they bought it. I love that a tiny detail like that is now blossoming into a full-fledged, creepy storyline.

Dolly’s first cameo.

Anyhoo, Hoyt’s pissed because he took the doll to the dump to get rid of it, and Jessica claims she threw it out in the lake…so how did it end up back in their bed?! WTF?! The doll is totes evil, y’all!!

Does this doll go by the name “Chucky?”

Tired of the doll talk, Jessica shifts gears and confesses that she was with another guy. When Hoyt gets pissed and threatens to leave, she quickly glamours him into forgetting the whole fight. Awww. This reeks of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when witchy Willow glamoured her girlfriend Tara. I just hope Jessica doesn’t get caught!!

Sook dresses up her new pet Eric in Jason’s old sports clothes (yummers!) and coaxes him into his new little cubby / cage underground. He asks if she belongs to a vampire, and then if she’d like to belong to him. Of course she says no… for now. But if I were her, I’d be like, “Hellz yeah, boy! Let’s do this!” Eric’s fangs accidentally descend, and he looks mortified by popping a fang boner in front of Sook, then apologizes yet again. LOL.

“Come! Sit! Good boy!”

Lala tells Tara and Jesus that he wants to go to Fangtasia and throw himself at Eric’s mercy. They convince him that’s a terrible idea, and they’ll sort things out with Eric another way.

Jason misses yet another angry call from Sheriff Andy, who leaves a voicemail message confessing that he’s using V again and needs help. Andy hangs up and then greedily rubs his gums with a drop of V. Good lord! What a junkie!!

You like that finger, big boy? Yeah! You show that finger who’s boss!

Sam walks up and ends up the unwitting victim of Sheriff Andy’s drug-fueled rage. Sam thinks Andy’s been drinking, and when Andy takes a swing at him, Sam pops him in the face, and then gets a gun shoved in HIS face. Luckily, Andy decides to drive off in a bitter huff rather than blow Sam away.

Sook knocks on someone’s door, and suddenly there’s Alcide! IT’S ABOUT TIME!! He looks just as hot as ever. He’s still not shirtless – yet – but, I’ll take it. Sook’s in the middle of catching up and asking him for help with Eric when evil, psycho Debbie walks in. She apologizes to Sook for trying to kill her last year, and explains she’s been clean and sober from the V for over a year now. Sook feels understandably awkward, and after an uncomfortable hug from Deb, scoots her toot right out of that house.

Welcome back, sexy Brawny Man!

Speaking of creepy dolls, Maxine is teaching Tommy to read – by learning the names of hideous dolls on QVC! LOL. While Maxine feeds her shopping addiction, Tommy answers the door and learns from some corporate clone from the energy company that Maxine’s house is sitting on some pricey natural gas, and they’d like to buy the rights. Tommy’s evil light bulb goes off, and he hatches a plan to swindle the money right out from under Maxine, who’s been so good to him!!

The only thing scarier than this Marie Osmond doll is Marie Osmond herself!

Jason begs Crystal to let him go see a doctor, but she’s too busy being CRAY CRAY and looking forward to being a mama to all of his panther cubs! She even calls him the new Ghost Daddy! Eek! Gross! She feeds him medicine, then reveals it was really Mexican Viagra! Hahaha. Someone’s gonna get rode hard and put away wet tonight!

At Merlotte’s, Tara catches Sook up to speed on the Wiccan circle and their run-in with Eric, and then asks Sook to speak to Eric and ask him for mercy. Sook plays dumb, and says she’ll do what she can – IF she sees Eric, since according to Pam he’s “gone missing.” Sam pops over to say hello to his ex-lover (turned lea) Tara, and Sook’s like, “This is COCKWARD,” and excuses herself to go back to work. When Sam and Tara go out back for a shot of tequila and a stroll down memory lane, Lala uses the opportunity to bolt!

Over dinner and drinks, Portia Bellefleur tells Beel that they already have an amazing business relationship, and since they’re both single, she doesn’t see why they can’t move things into the bedroom. Beel is flattered, and matter-of-factly tells her that he can never love her – but she’s still game. “Check please!” he shouts quickly.

Back at Merlotte’s, Jessica has pawned that hideous, creepy doll off on poor baby Mikey as a gift. Arlene’s all, “That doll looks like a nasty piece of shiz!” but Terry points out that Mikey’s never seemed happier. Well, that confirms it – the doll is evil – and so is Mikey!

Mikey likes it!

Tommy fills Sam in on his natural gas scheme, and wants to buy Maxine’s house with Sam so they can hoard the gas money. Sam gets pissy and holier than thou with Tommy about his proclivity to dupe poor Maxine, which only enrages the little runt and he hobbles off in a huff.

Beel and Portia get it ON with her riding him in his office chair. She offers to let him bite her, but he shoves his hand over her mouth the shut her up instead.

Steamy!

Lala runs to Fangtasia looking for Eric – but instead all he gets is an ass-whoopin’ from Pam, who’s decked out in some crazy leather, studded get-up like she’s Lady Gaga or Samantha from Sex and the City 2. Tara and Jesus bust in brandishing a gun with wooden bullets. They strike a deal with bad-ass Pam, who gives them 24 hours to bring Marni and reverse the spell, or she’ll personally “eat, f*ck, and kill” all three of them. This sends them running. LOL.

Only Pam can pull off a look like this.

Marni seems to have gone off the deep end, as she chants alone to the spirit, begging for it to embody her again. She’s had a taste of power, and now she wants MORE! When there’s no response, she whips out a dagger and starts slicing her arm up for some gnar gnar blood sacrifice that had me squealing on the couch in disgust. Marni gets annoyed when her prayers go unanswered, and she gets a little more knife happy on her arm.

I’m starting with the (wo)man in the mirror!

Jason wakes up to find Crystal on top of him and calling him “Ghost Daddy.” There’s also a line of hillbilly women lurking about, waiting in the wings for their turn to ride on top of Jason. Ewww!! I feel sick to my stomach watching poor Jason getting gang raped – and not in the good way!

Grotty to the max!

Sook doesn’t know where Eric has disappeared to, so she sits in her dark kitchen reading a book – a Charlaine Harris novel, for those of you who caught that little detail! Suddenly, there’s a flash of light outside – so notch Sook wanders outside to investigate. It’s Claudine, who’s come back bring Sook over to the faery world. Sook refuses, and that’s when Eric swoops in, and mauls Claudine, making a delicious snack out of her, and draining her of life. “You just killed my faery godmother!” Sook squeals. All Eric can do is cower and apologize. LOL.

Farewell, faery godmother!

So…there was a lot of pipe to lay – but I enjoyed it. Not every episode has to be jam=packed with action and gore. Sometimes, it’s nice to have a little suspense, humor, and witty bantering. I can’t get enough of Sook and Eric’s burgeoning, amorous feelings. Screw Beel! He is gross. Almost as gross as that damn doll. Any theories on that one? And who is the spirit inside of Marni? Perhaps a scorned witch from The Inquisition?? Only time will tell! Leave your questions and comments, and thanks for reading!